Death Awaits Us All!

So today I was just hanging out
you know
contemplating my mortality
and I was like man
it sure would be cool if I could cheat death
I wonder if there are any stories about that.
It turns out there are
there are a ton of stories about that
but this one is better so here it is:

One time in Baghdad
like, before it was shitty
there was this merchant with loads of dough
(I am using dough here to refer to money
although maybe he traded in actual dough too
I dunno
I’m a storyteller, not an economist)
and one day he is feeling pretty chill
so he tells his servant to go out to the market and get some brews.
The servant goes to the market alright
but he comes back WOEFULLY UN-BREWED
plus he is flipping the hell out
he is like “BOSS
BOSS
I just saw DEATH.
Like, the actual personification of death was walking through the market.
I ran into her
and she turned and saw me
and she was like ‘WHOA!
YOU!’
which is NOT A THING YOU WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
in fact I am pretty sure there is NOTHING I WANT TO HEAR DEATH SAY
I would MUCH PREFER if death was too far away for me to hear.
Boss, please
lemme borrow one of your horses
I am gonna ride all night to Samarra
which is really far away
so death will totally not find me.”
Now, this is a pretty bullshitty story
plus the servant’s endgame here isn’t clear
like, is he gonna come back to Baghdad once he’s no longer worried about death?
is he gonna hole up in a little cottage with “NO DETH ALLOWED” scrawled on a sign out front?
but the merchant is an economist, not a sorcerer
he doesn’t think about these obvious problems.
Instead he’s just like “Sure dude, I have a ton of horses
borrow one, I don’t care.
You’ve got some saved up PTO anyway.
Technically this might even count as medical leave.
Go nuts.”
and the servant is like “WAY AHEAD OF YOU”
and then he grabs a horse and rides as fast as he can to Samarra.

So once his servant is gone
along with his fastest horse
it finally occurs to the merchant that maybe he should check out the servant’s story
so he goes down to the marketplace
just kind of searching for somebody who looks like death
and what do you know, death’s still hanging out in the marketplace
having a burger
and the merchant is like “yo, death
what the fuck
why’d you threaten my employee?”
and death is like “lol
what?
You mean that dude from earlier?
I didn’t threaten him
I was just surprised to see him
BECAUSE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET UP WITH HIM TONIGHT IN SAMARRA.”
and the merchant is like “Oh DAAAAAAAAAMN.”
and then he never gets his horse back.

The moral of the story is don’t lend your horses to people
horses are valuable and people are idiots.

The end.

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Where Was This Little Dutch Boy During Katrina?

A dutch person emailed me today
and it reminded me of this story
which is a dutch story
in the same way that “pocahontas” is a native american story
but it’s the first thing I think of when I hear “dutch”
other than “good weed”
and I am already so high I’m nearing government controlled air space
so THE LITTLE DUTCH BOY IT IS

okay so there’s this kid
he lives in a misspelled version of Harlem called Haarlem
and his parents are so neglectful
they send him off alone with a bunch of baked goods
which he is supposed to give to some random blind dude across town
he is like a blond male Little Red Riding Hood
except instead of grandma it’s a TOTAL FUCKING STRANGER
but anyway this kid makes it out of the blindhaus
totally molestation free
and starts wandering back towards his house
wasting time like little kids do
picking flowers and making airplane noises and pooping himself
when all of a sudden
he hears water
TRICKLING

now in order for you to understand how terrifying this noise is
I have to tell you something about Holland:
Holland is not a place where people are supposed to live
it is a place where fish are supposed to live
but a long time ago some people were like “hey
fuck fish”
and they forcibly removed all the water from a bunch of land
and then built there houses there
below sea level.
this is widely known as
“a bad idea”
because all that water is pretty pissed about being exiled
so it’s just hanging out on the outside of these huge dykes
(which is a really offensive term for walls that keep water out)
just WAITING for a hole to open up
so it can pour roll in and piss on everybody’s beds.
So when Little Blond Walking Hood hears water trickling
it’s like when you’re on a nearly abandoned spaceship by yourself
and you hear a faint dripping noise
and you immediately know that it is either your friend’s blood
or alien saliva

So this kid looks over at the dyke
and he sees a little trickle of water coming out of it
and since he doesn’t just carry caulk around with him
(and also dykes don’t really like caulk)
he does the only sensible thing for a young boy to do:
he shoves his finger in that hole.
This is a great plan
this kid is a fucking hero
except there is literally NOBODY ELSE OUT HERE
and it is rapidly getting dark
so this little numbnuts is stuck outside
in the dark
in the cold
with a city-destroying amount of water
gently lapping at his fingertip.
This is a form of torture
the CIA uses this on all their dutch prisoners to this day.
the boy’s mind is utterly destroyed
his muscles seize up
he begins to hallucinate from sleep deprivation
ironically, he becomes dehydrated

by the morning, there is nothing left of the boy’s once bright personality
he stands shackled to the uncaring dyke by his one numb finger
convulsing with cold, thirst and exhaustion
he longs for nothing more than the sweet release of death
at which point a priest walks by
ON TOP of the dyke
because apparently that’s also an option
and he sees the kid and he’s like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
and the kid is like “k-k-k-kill me
or send people to fix this dyke i guess.”

So then they fix the dyke
the child is never the same again
the accolades of the town fall on deaf ears
his development is arrested
and he goes through his life a mere shell of a human
but at least his town is saved, right?

This boy’s eternal suffering
brings us to the moral of this story
which is that sometimes
to quote the Geto Boys
“you gotta let a hole be a hole.”

Thank you.

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William Cole Buys a Lot of Poop

Today’s story was brought to my attention
by professional wastoid/Patreon backer Jay “Jagermeister” Drunkboy.
It is the story of one of history’s most pointless people.

This dude’s full name is William Horace De Vere Cole.
He lived around the turn of the 20th century
yes, the same century that ended with the internet and boy bands
began with a dude name William lying his way onto a war boat for no reason.

You see, unlike other famous Williams of British history
Cole doesn’t seem to have any ulterior motives for his wily bullshit
he’s born rich
he has no political aspirations
literally his sole purpose in life is to fuck with people.
Some people make sculptures
William Horace De Vere Cole impersonated foreign royalty.

Lemme backtrack a little:
back when Cole was at Cambridge
(because of course he went to Cambridge)
he heard that the Sultan of Zanzibar was in London
so he called up the heads of Cambridge
like “Yeah, I’m that Sultan
come pick me up at the train station.”
So he gets some of his bros together
and they all pretend to be the sultan and his entourage
which the heads of one of britain’s leading academic institution
TOTALLY BELIEVE.
THEY GIVE EVERYBODY A GRAND TOUR
A WOMAN TRIES TO TALK TO THE SULTAN IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE
AND WILLIAM TELLS HER SHE CAN ONLY TALK TO HIM IF SHE JOINS HIS HAREM.

So this prank goes amazingly
Cole goes on to get a degree in What the Fuck Ever
and then a few years later
he and his pals bluff their way onto a FUCKING BATTLESHIP
by pretending to be king of Abyssinia and his entourage.
They put on BLACKFACE for this
because apparently nobody in the british navy
has ever seen an actual black person
and they speak a language called Not Actually Swahili
which is really just badly pronounced greek and latin
mixed with the word “Bunga” whenever they don’t now what else to say
and oh yeah
one of the members of the royal entourage
is actually VIRGINIA FUCKING WOOLF
which makes me respect everybody involved so much fucking more.

It takes the Navy weeks to figure out what happened
and when they finally do they are too sad to press charges
so William Cole is free to keep being an asshole until he dies.
He takes advantage of this freedom.
One time he puts his gold watch in the pocket of the prime minister
and then is like “HEY MAN LET’S RACE”
and the prime minister is like “YEAAAAAAAAH”
and then he starts beating William
and they’re racing in the street
they are street-racing
so William just starts yelling STOP THIEF
and then the police arrest him and find William’s watch
which, okay, that’s a pretty good prank
but really the best part
is just that he convinced the prime minister to RACE HIM
ON FOOT.

He also does shit like dress up as a construction worker
and get all his friends to just dig a huge trench
in the middle of a crowded intersection
and then leave.
Again, the real prank here
is that he got his friends to waste a day digging a hole.
He also buys all the tickets for a play one time
and then passes them out to bald guys
so that when the lights come out
THEIR HEADS SPELL OUT A BAD WORD
THE PLAY IS RUINED.
None of the sources say what the bad word is
but one sourceclaims that the letter “i” in the word is dotted
so i’m pretty sure it’s “tits”
I’m pretty sure William Cole spent a bunch of money
to spell out “tits” in a theater with bald people.
He also throws a party one time
where every guest has the word “bottom” somewhere in their name
because he is like five years old.

William gets married somehow
and goes to Venice
and promptly ditches his fiancee
to buy a boatload of horse manure
literally a boatload, because everything travels by boat in venice
which is why people are so confused
when they wake up in the morning and find horse poop everywhere
because like
there are no horses.
Again, I think historians are missing the point of this prank
which really had nothing to do with horses
and everything to do with throwing poop everywhere.
Obviously his marriage does not last very long.

But William Cole’s best prank in my opinion
is also his simplest
what he would do is take a piece of string
dress up as a construction worker
and ask some random dude to hold one end of the string
then he would take the other end around a corner
find another dude
and ask him to hold that end of the string
and then he would leave them there
just holding some string
for however long it took them to figure shit out.
I like to imagine that in some forgotten corner of London
there is still a pair of ancient british gentlemen
gamely holding onto two ends of a piece of string
waiting for that construction worker to come back
and that my friends
is true immortality.

The moral of the story is an old one
oft echoed in the mythology of our time:
do unto others
whatever you think is really fucking funny.

The end.

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The Kalevala Has Weird Ideas About Iron

YES IT IS TIME
TIME FOR A MYTH
FROM A MYTHOS
CHOSEN BY MY PATREON BACKERS.
This month:
a quick just-so story from the Kalevala!

Ok so this story isn’t part of like
the main story of the Kalevala
which is mainly about wizards being assholes.
This is actually just a side-story
told by an asshole wizard named Wainamoinen
who has just lost literal boatload of blood
so take what he says with like a million grains of salt.
Like, get salt poisoning and die is what I’m saying.
It will protect you from believing wrong things.
It is hard to believe wrong things when you’re dead
this is why the phrase “dead wrong” is so bogus.

Anyway this story gets told
because when Wainamoinen goes to a dude for medical help
the dude instead asks Wainamoinen to tell him a story
about the origin of iron
so Wainamoinen is like “Uh ok
kinda going into shock here buddy
but here we go:

So back in the day there were these 3 chicks
they were the daughters of some god
which explains their nonsense behavior I guess.
What they do is they fly around everywhere
squeezing milk out of their tits
and only one of them has normal colored milk
one of them has red milk and one of them has black milk
which are not colors you want coming out of your body
like, ever.
But anyway they spray this bodyjuice all over the world
and it turns into iron
which, again
probably says bad things about their health prospects.

The different colored milk turns into different kinds of iron
but it doesn’t really matter in the end
because the iron all becomes one being
with like, a primitive hive mind
and the hive mind wakes up one day
and is like “Hm … pretty lonely down here on the earth
I’ma go visit my brother Fire.”

Fire is a terrible brother to have
because fire only interacts with things by setting them on fire
so Iron shows up at Fire’s place like hey bro
and Fire is like “ROARRRRR IMA EAT CHOO”
and Iron is like “oh shit this was a bad idea”
and runs away and hides in the ground
which is why iron is in the ground now
so thanks a lot, fire.

Iron isn’t super well hidden, though.
We know this because pretty soon
this blacksmith god Ilmarinen comes down
and builds a big forge
and just starts kidnapping iron and throwing it in his forge
and Iron is like “NOOO WHAT THE FUCK
I DON’T WANNA BE WEAPONS”
and Ilmarinen is like “TOUGH BRO, DUDES GOTTA DIE”

but the Iron isn’t cooperating
it’s soft and shitty, like a bag of worms
so Ilmarinen is frustrated, obviously
he needs to figure a way to make this iron better
and what he decides
is that it needs to be bribed with honey
so he finds a bee that can speak Finnish
(which, luckily, are more common in Finland than elsewhere)
and he’s like “I need a bunch of honey to rub on my swords”
and the bee is like “Sure dude
no questions asked as long as you pay me.”

But you know who’s eavesdropping on this conversation?
A motherfucking WASP.
And wasps just gotta fuck things up for everybody.
So this wasp gets up from his polished mahogany dinner table
climbs in his minivan
and goes to OSH and buys as much poison as he can find
and he brings it all back to Ilmarinen
like “Hey, here’s the honey you ordered”
and Ilmarinen can’t tell the difference between bees and wasps
because he is an insect racist
so he lets the wasp pour poison and violence all over his swords
and then the swords all wake up like “RAAAAA
FUCK PEACE
GONNA BE THE WORST THINGS EVER FROM NOW ON”
and that is why iron stabs people all the time now.

So yeah, Wainamoinen tells that whole story
and the dude he’s with is like “Wow, I had no idea
fuck Iron, am I right?”
and Wainamoinen is like “yeah seriously.
So can I get like a bandaid?”
and the dude is like “Oh yeah, whoops”
and everybody learns a valuable lesson
which is that iron is the worst
and it’s a good thing we invented safe weapons like atom bombs
because no bees were harmed in the making of those missiles.

The end.

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So I Wrote a New Book

george washington bigYup, pretty straightforward.
I have been biting my tongue so hard for the past few weeks
every time someone is like “HEY YOU SHOULD WRITE ANOTHER BOOK”
because I wrote it in like October
It’s called
GEORGE WASHINGTON IS CASH MONEY
and it’s coming out next month
and you can preorder it RIGHT NOW
and in fact, if you do preorder it
and email a receipt to bettermyths[at]gmail.com
I will give you some FREE BONUS WORDS
including my version of the Notorious Jumping Frog
(Originally by Mark Twain)
and THE BILL OF FUCKING RIGHTS.
WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS WHEN YOU COULD BE READING ABOUT MY BOOK
OR JUST READING MY BOOK????

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Sister Fox and Brother Wolf in: What The Hell Did I Just Read?

So the actual Ilya of Murom emailed me the other day
asking me to do more russian fairytales
and I can’t very well turn down a young murdergod
so here is the kind of story they tell in russia:

Right so there’s this fox
this fox is a terrible person
like if a dish glove full of garbage juice was a person
telling you how terrible she is is sort of a spoiler
because at the beginning she is acting pretty normal
you know
THE WAY SOCIOPATHS DO
like, it’s getting cold outside
and she doesn’t have a lighter to start her fire
so she goes out to her neighbor’s place
and she’s like “Hey old lady
you got a light?”
and the old lady is like “Yes of course
I am a lovely old lady who takes care of her neighbors
/ smokes HELLA weed
lemme just take these delicious pastries out of the oven
and leave you with them unattended for a minute
while I go get my lighter.”

So obviously Fox steals a pastry
but she doesn’t just regular steal it
she cuts a hole in it
sucks out the insides
and then stuffs it with straw.
Then she peaces out of the old lady’s house
with the straw-filled pastry
but WITHOUT the lighter she wanted
and wanders around until she finds some dudes.
These dudes have a bull and are idiots
so Fox is like “Hey boys
I’ll trade you this pastry for that bull
but you can’t eat the pastry until I’m gone.
Deal?”
and the boys are like “DUHHHH”
which is close enough to “Deal” to be legally binding
so the fox gives them the pastry
and takes the bull
and they wait until she’s gone
and then try to eat the pastry
and get a mouthful of straw.
They are not in the story any more after that
they fucked up their one chance to not be idiots
and now we are moving on.

So Fox still doesn’t have a lighter for her stove
but she DOES have a cow
which is a pretty good get.
It’s like Fox forgot what she was doing
and accidentally became Kyle MacDonald
so then she goes out into the woods
chops down some trees
and turns them into a sled.
She straps the bull to the sled
and starts tearing ass through the countryside.
This is when her equally terrible friend shows up.
His name is brother wolf
and if Sister Fox is a dish glove full of garbage juice
brother wolf is a dish glove full of slightly dumber garbage juice.

So brother wolf shows up like “HEY LEMME RIDE YOUR SLED”
and Fox is like “NO YOU’LL BREAK IT”
and brother wolf is like “NO COME ON BABY JUST THE TIP”
and then proceeds to put his paws on the sled
one at a time
until he predictably breaks it.
So obviously Fox is pissed
she stole good trees for that sled
so she tells wolf that he has to go chop down trees
using a magic spell she teaches him
but he fucks up the magic spell
so she’s like “ugh fine I’ll go do it”

but while she’s gone, Wolf gets hungry
and he can’t find any food in Fox’s house
because Fox doesn’t go grocery shopping
she just steals shit from her neighbors.
The only thing for wolf to eat is the bull
but Wolf isn’t content to just eat the whole bull
no, what he does is he drills a hole in the bull
SLURPS OUT ITS INSIDES
and then replaces its organs with LIVE SPARROWS.
Then he stuffs up the hole with straw
turning the remains of the bull into a writhing sack of birds
like this but with sparrows instead of cockroaches
then fox peaces out
because that’s what criminals do after crimes.

so Fox gets back to her house
with a beautiful new sled
only to discover that her cow is a fucking bird grenade
like, she ties it to the sled
hits it with a whip
and birds fucking swarm out of it
it is a terrifying experience
and it like sextuples the special effects budget for this myth.
No one is happy.

Obviously, Fox won’t stand for this shit
so she does the most straightforward thing she can do:
plays dead in order to stow away on the fish cart
because the fish cart drivers want to sell her body for booze
then chuck fish out the back
creating a hansel and gretel trail but way stinkier
and then wait at the end of the trail for wolf to show up.
And when wolf does show up
all like “Holy shit how did you get all these fish”
she’s like “Dude, so easy
just go find a hole in the ice
and swish your tail around in it
yelling “HEY, FISH, JUMP INTO MY BUTT”
it works every time.”

So Wolf immediately goes and does this
while fox hides in the bushes
and uses magical spells to make the water freeze on Wolf’s tail
trapping him in the ice.
Then she goes to the village
and tells everyone there’s a wolf on the ice
and the village people come kill him.
Like, HOLY SHIT
I THOUGHT Y’ALL WERE FRIENDS
OR AT LEAST SIBLINGS.
Whatever, though
now wolf is dead.
Then Fox goes home and freezes to death
because she NEVER GOT A LIGHT FOR HER FIREPLACE.

The moral of the story
is ADHD kills.

The end.

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Jesus is Back, and He’s … Surprisingly Chill About It

So last Friday Jesus died
oh wait I read that wrong
it was like 2000 years ago last Friday
still, it was a big deal
but then an even bigger-deal thing happened on Sunday
when Jesus abruptly stopped being dead.
It was such a big deal that people still have parties about it
let me tell you the story:

Okay so after they kill jesus
the roman soldiers take his body and put it in a cave
and then they put a big rock in front of the cave.
supposedly they do this in order to keep people out
because probably somebody is going to want to steal the body
but all true believers recognize the rock thing for what it is:
the setup for THE ULTIMATE MAGIC TRICK
seriously, how many times have you seen this shit in Vegas
the magician gets in a box or whatever
and then they open the box and …
shit, I don’t wanna drop any spoilers, hold on.

So Mary Magdalene and “some other Mary” show up to jesus’s tomb
(the other Mary being his mom)
to rub herbs on his dead body or some shit
and when they get there
ABRACADABRA
The stone has moved to the side
the guards are FREAKING THE HELL OUT
and Jesus
HAS VANISHED

Some angels are there to act as hype-men for this amazing trick
they’re like “JESUS IS ALIVE
YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD BUT BOY WERE YOU WRONG
PRETTY COOL HUH?”
and Mary Magdalene is like “Bullshit”
and jesus is like “Oh really Mary?
If that’s all bullshit, then how am I RIGHT BEHIND YOU?”
and Mary is like “OH MY GODDDDDDD”
and jesus is like “Hey
no swearing.”

So then the ladies head back home because there’s no body to rub herbs on
and Jesus shows up right in the middle of the road like “TADA”
and all the Maries are like “WHOAAAAAAAAA”
and Jesus is like “Yeah, pretty cool huh?
Hey, I’m gonna head over to Galilee and chill for a while
tell all my disciples to meet me over there.”
And then POOF
HE’S GONE.
EVERYONE IS STILL IMPRESSED.
Jesus is on some Chris Angel shit in this story, like for real
actually Chris Angel’s name is suspiciously biblical
slap a T on the end of that Chris and what do you get?
CONSPIRACY?
NOPE JUST A WEIRD STAGE NAME.

So on the way to Galilee Jesus sees some of his old bros
and they’re talking about his crucifixion
because they don’t have the internet so that is like their ONLY NEWS
and Jesus disguises himself and goes to ask them what’s up
and they’re like “Yeah Jesus died”
and Jesus is like “OR DID HE????
IT’S ME
CHECK IT OUT
I CAME BACK AFTER THREE DAYS LIKE THE PROPHECIES SAID
WATCH ME EAT BREAD TO PROVE I’M NOT A GHOST.”
Then he does basically the same thing to some of his other dudes
except they’re all fishing
(because they’re sad about him dying but they still have jobs and shit)
and he makes like WAY TOO MANY FISH appear in their nets
and then makes even more fish appear for them all to eat
and he lets them touch his body.
It seems like eating things and letting people touch his body
are like the two main things Jesus does to sell his awesome trick
it’s like when a magician shows you there’s nothing up his sleeve
or passes a hoop around himself to show there’s no wires
or pokes tiny holes in a condom so he can be your dad
maybe that’s just my personal experience with magicians
maybe I have a personal vendetta against magicians
I’m not ruling anything out

Anyway eventually jesus gets around to showing up in front of his 12 11 apostles
like “what up guys
I’m alive
wanna … eat some fish and bread with me?
You can touch me if you want.
Whatever, I’ve been doing this for a while, it’s kinda lost its luster”
and everyone is like “WHOOOAAAA COOOOOL”
except for this one dude, Thomas
who missed the invite and wasn’t there
so when all his bros tell him about Jesus being there
he thinks they’re pranking him
and Thomas HATES to get pranked
so he’s like “I won’t believe it unless Jesus shows up here right now
and lets me waggle my fingers around in all his wounds
to prove that he’s not just one of you assholes dressed up like jesus
and also I’m a little weird and I like to touch wounds okay?”
and Jesus shows up like “bam, I’m here
you wanna touch me, fine
touch all over my wounds
you wanna eat some bread with me?
I’m pretty full but I’ll do it I guess.”
and Thomas is like “HOLY SHIT YOU’RE REAL”
and Jesus is like “Okay first of all
no swearing
second of all yeah
I’m real
good job putting that together.
It would have been way cooler if you’d just believed, though
like everyone else is gonna have to from now on.
Anyway, I’m out
Jesus was here
tell your friends.”
and then he goes up to heaven to chill until the end times
or, according to later traditions
morphs into a rabbit and a bunch of colored eggs.
Believe whichever version you want
but only one gets you a basket full of candy.

The moral of the story
is that some people will go through a lot of trouble
just to freak out their friends
/usher in a philosophy of peace and forgiveness.

Whatever, happy easter.

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Ilya of Murom Is a Reasonable Man Surrounded by Capricious Wizards

So in Russia they have this dude named Ilya
he is a hero to the Russian people
which makes Russia the only country
as far as I know
to basically worship a dude
who spent the first 30 years of his life sitting on top of an oven in his mom’s house.

Yeah seriously
for the first three decades of his existence
one of Russia’s greatest heroes is basically the prototypical Hikikomori
because he is too week to be anywhere but on top of the oven.
Then one day his parents leave him home alone
probably hoping he will die and save them the food money
when jesus shows up with some of his dudes
(in disguise of course)
and jesus is like “Hey bro
me and my bros wanna get our bro on with some brews
can you bro us out?”
and Ilya is like “Aw man I would love to give you my dad’s booze
but I can’t leave this oven for some reason”
but jesus REALLY wants to get his drink on
so he magically heals Ilya’s illness so Ilya can get them all drunk
and after jesus and his dudes are done sippin’
jesus is like “Hey broseph
have a sip of this drank
it has my germs on it but w/e”
and Ilya drinks it and immediately becomes SUPER STRONG
so he’s like “WHOA
I feel like I could pick up the whole earth!”
and Jesus is like “aw fuck
here, gimme that drink back”
and then he drinks it again, and has Ilya drink it again
and Ilya is like “wtf
I still feel strong
but like less strong
and Jesus is like “HAHA BRO YOU JUST GOT NERFED
seriously though if you’re too strong the earth won’t let you walk on her
I did you a solid just now
anyway we gotta jet
we’re doing a pub crawl through random dudes’ houses
have fun being a hero
you’re basically invincible
as long as you steer clear of this massive hero named Svyatogor
plus one or two other guys.
Later!”

Ilya is super pumped, obviously
so the first thing he does is chop an unreasonable amount of firewood for his dad
to make up for thirty years of freeloading
then he buys and refurbishes a horse
and then he goes on an ADVENTURE.

The first thing he encounters on his adventure
is a gigantic fucking bed
because of course he does
it wouldn’t be an adventure without a preposterous sleeping apparatus
so without asking any questions
Ilya curls up and goes to sleep.
Holy shit, ancient heroes would just be the EASIEST PEOPLE TO TRAP.
Ilya has seriously wandered into the sleepy dude’s version
of a carrot under a cardboard box held up by a stick with a string attached
and SURE ENOUGH
a couple hours later, Ilya’s horse starts freaking out
because guess whose bed this is?
MASSIVE HERO SVYATOGOR, OBVIOUSLY
but Ilya keeps right on snoozing
until the horse is like “SERIOUSLY DUDE WAKE UP
IT’S ONE OF EXACTLY THREE PEOPLE WHO COULD MAYBE KILL YOU
AND YOU ARE IN HIS BED”
and Ilya is like “HOLY SHIT MY HORSE CAN TALK
THAT’S SO GROSS
OKAY LET’S GO HIDE”

So they hide
and Svyatogor shows up
and opens a crystal box which contains
HIS WIFE
so she pops out and makes him dinner
using all the food he keeps in the box with her
and he eats the food
and then
after completing his supernaturally sexist evening ritual
he goes to sleep
and his wife goes wandering around
enjoying the few hours of the day she gets to spend outside her crystal prison.

Obviously she finds Ilya and his horse
and she’s like “Hey dude
climb out of that tree
or I’ll go tell my husband you fiddled my nips.”
and Ilya is like “Wow that’s an awkward phrase
‘fiddled my nips’
I’m imagining just flicking your nipples with my thumbs
like an erotic XBox controller”
and the wife is like “DON’T YOU DARE, YOU GROSS ANIMAL”
and then she leads him out of the tree and puts him in her husband’s pocket.

So Svyotagor wakes up in the morning and is an idiot
as in, he has no idea there is a whole other dude in his pocket
so he puts his wife back in her box and gets on his horse
and the horse is like “Come on man
you’re twice as heavy today
because there’s a whole other dude in your pocket
owwww.”
and when Svyotagor gets done freaking out about how his horse can talk
he pulls Ilya out of his pocket like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY POCKET”
and Ilya is like “That’s a great question!
Your wife put me in here.”
so Svyotagor kills his wife
thus ending her wretched imprisonment
and also preventing us from ever knowing
why the fuck she put a dude in her husband’s pocket.
But he doesn’t kill Ilya
instead he teaches him all about being a hero
like how to lift heavy shit
and keep your wife in a box with all your camping equipment
and murder her at the drop of a hat.
He even takes Ilya to meet his dad
who is blind
and has Ilya heat up a big piece of iron
and give it to the dad instead of his hand
so that his dad will be like “OH YEAH WOW WHAT A STRONG HAND.”
there’s no reason for them to do this
dude just likes lying to his blind dad.

So they leave Svyotogor’s dad’s house
and start walking through the mountains
because Svyotogor is so strong he’s not allowed on normal ground
and they find this coffin in the middle of the road
which says “Hey, whoever fits in this coffin has to stay in it forever”
so Ilya gets in the coffin
because mythical people just LOVE weird coffin parties
but luckily he doesn’t fit
otherwise his saga would be very boring
so then Svyotogor is like “OOH OOH LET ME TRY”
so he gets in the coffin and it fits him exactly
so he’s like “WELP, GUESS I GOTTA SHUT THIS COFFIN ON MYSELF”
and Ilya is like “No dude no you don’t”
and Svyotogor is like “IT’S A HERO THING
YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND”
so he shuts himself inside
and then he’s like “AAA, AAA FUCK
THE COFFIN WON’T OPEN”
and Ilya is like “Dude what did you think was going to happen”
and Svyotogor is like “DUDE FUCK YOU JUST OPEN IT”
and Ilya is like “I can’t, bro
you’re stronger than me and you can’t
so I can’t either.”
and Svyotogor is like “OK HIT IT WITH MY SWORD”
and Ilya does, but that only makes a little crack in the coffin
so Svyotogor is like “OK DUDE COME PUT YOUR FACE BY THE CRACK
I WILL BREATHE MY STRENGTH INTO YOU”
and Ilya is like “You mean the strength that makes it so you aren’t allowed to walk on the regular earth?
No thanks dude, I think I’m ok.”
and Svyotogor is like “NICE
I WAS ACTUALLY JUST GOING TO BREATHE DEATH ON YOU AND KILL YOU
BUT NOW I’M JUST GONNA DIE INSTEAD”
and Ilya is like “We’ve been through a lot together
and I just want you to know that you’ve been a terrible friend.”
Then Svyotogor dies and the world is slightly better because of it.

The moral of the story
is never let a dude in a coffin breathe in your mouth.

The end.

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Hi’iaka’s Quest Just Barely Passes The Bechdel Test

Phew, Silmarillion’s over
gonna take a break and tell some short myths
while I work my way through Moby Dick.
In the meantime, today’s myth is from a very special mythos
requested by majority vote from my Patreon patrons.
(GIVE ME MONEY GIVE ME MONEY)
The mythos of the month is …
*drumroll drumroll drumroll*
HAWAIIAN

I’ve only done one hawaiian myth before
and it was unbelievably badass

but there are other Hawaiian heroes besides Maui
and some of them are even FEMALES
so let’s hear about one of those.

Okay so there’s this chick named Hi’iaka
She has a sister named Pele
who is basically the goddess of lava
and Pele has just finished digging a big hole for her whole family to live in
because I guess housing prices are too high.
Digging a family-sized hole and putting your family inside it is hard work
so immediately after doing it
Pele falls asleep HARDCORE
she falls asleep so hard that her soul ACTUALLY LEAVES HER BODY
AND FLIES TO ANOTHER ISLAND
AND FORMS ANOTHER BODY
AND GETS FUCKING LAID.

Yeah, Pele’s spirit shows up at this wicked luau on Kauai
and since she is basically the goddess of lava
you can bet that the body she forms is suffused with really unhealthy amounts of hotness
so she sidles up to the king of town
whose name is Lohiau
and she’s like “hey baby
wanna get married?”
and he’s like “oh god yes”
so they do that, like immediately
and they also do a lot of other things
but then Pele’s alarm clock goes off and she wakes up
and her hot ghost disappears from Kauai
leaving Lohiau all alone.

So Pele is like UGH WHAT THE FUCK
I WAS HAVING A REALLY GOOD DREAM WHERE I WAS SNOGGING THE KING OF KAUAI
I need someone to go all the way to his village
and tell him to come back here so we can bang some more.
It will be incredibly dangerous and I am offering like no payment
who’s in?”
and Hi’iaka is like “God dammit, sis
you know I gotta do it cause you’re my family
but I am seriously so tired of being your supernatural wingman
supernatural titcaptain*, sorry.”
And Pele is like “GREAT
YOU CAN START TOMORROW
YOU HAVE EXACTLY FORTY DAYS AND YOU CAN’T TWIDDLE HIS WANG AT ALL
IN FACT, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE
GOOD LUCK”
and Hi’iaka is like “what?
ugh.
why do chicks always have to be virgins to do anything cool?
whatever, fine, I’ll abstain
but you gotta give me god powers.”
and Pele is like “Wait, you’re my sister
don’t you already have those?”
and Hi’iaka is like “You would think so, huh?”

but whatever, Pele gives Hi’iaka god powers
and Hi’aka gathers a bunch of her ladybros
with all different skills and backgrounds
and they proceed to trek across the entire Hawaiian island chain
beating up sharks and dealing with street harassment
except instead of the street it’s usually on rivers
and the dudes are in boats
so … boat harassment?
fishcalling?
watersports?
unbridled douchebaggery?
whatever it is, Hi’iaka is having none of it.
At one point she and her crew have to cross a river
but they don’t want to get their clothes wet
so they take them off and hold them above their heads to cross the river
which is pretty impressive and hot
but this ghost god called Hinahina-ku-i-ka-pali starts being a total prude
like “NUDE WOMEN IN WATER?
UNACCEPTABLE.”
so Hi’iaka tells him to get bent
and they do it anyway.
boom
problem solved.

Hi’iaka and crew have a ton of adventures
but I don’t really feel like listing all of them here
(although maybe I will recount individual adventures at a later time)
they basically all boil down to one thing
which is that Hi’iaka is the baddest bitch and you should respect her
the important thing is that when she arrives at Kauai
after deliberately choosing all the most difficult routes
it turns out Lohiau is dead.
He died because his hot wife disappeared and he was sad.
But Hi’iaka is like “Whatever, it’s fine
I’ll just grab his soul and stuff it back in his body
oh, what, two chicks stole his body and hid it in a cave?
I’ll just kill them and take it back, nbd.”
So she does all that, and Lohiau comes back to life
and she’s like “Come with me if you want to get laid.”
He does not need very much convincing.

Here’s the problem, though:
because Hi’iaka has chosen all of the most difficult routes this whole time
the 40 day time limit has long since expired
so when she gets back home
after flipping off more magic sharks
and not touching Lohiau’s weiner even a LITTLE BIT
Pele is like “YOU’RE LATE
FUCK YOU
I BET YOU BANGED MY HUSBAND YOU PIRATE SKANK”
so Hi’iaka is like “Okay first of all
pirates are awesome so you can’t use that word to insult me
second of all I didn’t even put my tongue on this guy
let alone bang him.”
and Pele is like “LIES!”
so Hi’iaka is like “You know what?
Fine.”
And then she fucks Lohiau right in front of her shitty sister
making fierce eye contact with her THE ENTIRE TIME.
So Pele is like “OOOOOOOOOOOH THAT DOES IT
GODS!
SET THESE PEOPLE ON FIRE”
but the gods are like “No, Pele
you are being unreasonable.”
and Pele is like “FINE
I’LL SET THEM ON FIRE MYSELF
I’M THE GODDESS OF LAVA
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU.”
So she sets them on fire
but she forgot that she made Hi’iaka immortal earlier
so only Lohiau gets killed.
This dude is seriously having the worst week.

You know what, though?
Hi’iaka don’t care
she grabs a shovel
and starts literally digging her way into the underworld
going through layer after layer to get to Lohiau’s soul.
On the fourth layer she runs into the ladies she killed to get his body
and she’s like “Fuck it, you guys are alive again, have fun.”
And she makes it all the way to level ten
when one of her friends is like “This is probably a bad thing to be doing.”
so she stops
and it turns out Lohiau’s soul wasn’t there anyway
so she just grabs it out of the air and stuffs it back in his charred body
and they presumably have really weird and painful sex forever.

So the moral of the story
is you should never rely on your little sister to get you laid.

The end.

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Tolkein Told You That WHOLE OTHER STORY So He Could Tell You This One:

Wow I totally forgot to post a myth on Monday.
Here it is.
After this I’ma tell a myth from a specific mythos
hand-selected by my 5-dollar and up Patreon backers
HEY BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD BACK MY PATREON
Anyway
let’s wrap up the fukkin Silmarillion
with this story about evil fashion accessories.

So right after Morgoth gets banished
Sauron starts freaking out
and he actually tries to repent for all his sins
but ultimately there’s just too much paperwork
so he goes back to being evil instead.
Sauron rocks at being evil
because he can shapeshift into a hot dude
and everybody trusts hot dudes.
So he goes to the elves like “Hey let’s be bros”
and the elves are like “sure, you seem hot.”

So Sauron hangs out with the elves for a while
and he convinces them to start making RINGS OF POWER
the elves seriously make so many rings
they are just cranking those fuckers out
but then Sauron pulls a dick move
(the only kind of move he is capable of pulling)
(I just got an image of a guy standing in front of a mirror
practicing dick moves)
the dick move is to go back to his evil castle
and make one ring
ahem, I mean One Ring
that basically just has root access to all the other rings
but the elves realize what’s going on
and they all just take off their rings
and Sauron is like FUCK
and he tries to kill them and take their rings
but mostly they destroy them
and they keep the last three
which are pretty nice rings
but they can’t wear them because of evil.

So Sauron learns from his mistake
and tries the exact same scam with the dwarves and the humans
giving them seven and nine rings respectively.
this works perfectly
because men are stupid and greedy as fuck
and dwarves are dwarves.
The rings make the dwarves lust for gold
which is like if you forged a ring to make soup hot and wet
and then gave it to a bunch of dwarves
who proceeded to fuck it because dwarves fuck gold.

The humans are the worst at ring-having.
The dudes who have the rings turn into crazy powerful sorcerors
who can turn invisible whenever they want
but then suddenly they’re invisible all the time
and they have to do what Sauron says
and they’re all like “Aw jeeze.”

Sauron gets sick of rings though
and decides to just kill everybody.
The humans of Numenor try to stop him from doing that
but we already know what happens to them.
After that, his evil ghost runs back to Mordor
and he builds himself a new body out of steel and hatred.

Meanwhile, a few dudes have escaped the destruction of Numenor
Most important is this dude Elendil the tall
(he’s important because he is tall)
Elendil has two sons: Isildur and Anarion
and they become co-rulers of the survivors
and build two huge towers to live in
called Minas Ithil and Minas Anor
and spend most of their time looking into crystal balls
until Sauron finally decides to say fuck it and kill everybody for real

But it’s totally fine
because the elves and the humans totally team up to smack him down
after a SEVEN YEAR SIEGE
except it’s not super fine, because Elendil and Anarion die
and Elendil’s sweet magic sword gets broken.
but it’s fine after all, because Isildur kills Sauron
and cuts off his ring hand with the shards of his dad’s magic sword
and takes his One Ring
and when Elrond, one of the elf-lords asks him to destroy it
by throwing it into the volcano it was forged in
he’s like “naw” and keeps it
and then he gets killed by some orcs when the ring betrays him in a river
and the ring escapes and gets found by some dumb fisherman
who turns into an evil ghoul and lives in a cave for a century
thus ensuring that Sauron’s power will remain in the world
and guaranteeing his ultimate resurrection
so
ultimate verdict
NOT FINE AT ALL.

Oh yeah, remember those three elf rings?
Those are still around
apparently just having them nearby makes your city last forever
which means it’s really easy to spot where they are.
Elrond has one of them
Galadriel has another one of them
and the third one
?????
Who knows.
Probably somebody who wasn’t in the movies.

Anyway, Sauron starts coming back to life
like everybody knew he would
and gathers as many rings to himself as he can
including the nine rings from the humans
and three he managed to get from the dwarves
and he’s looking SO HARD for that one ring
but like, why though
he already has 12 rings by my count
that is too many to wear.
Oh well
I guess loving bling isn’t a crime.
I mean, wanting to end all life on earth is a crime
but whatver.

Surprisingly the Valar actually get off their asses and do something about this
… kind of
I mean, they don’t come to Middle Earth themselves
but they do send a bunch of old dudes to make sure things are okay.
These old dudes are called Istari
which is just a fancy word for FUCKING WIZARDS.
One of them is Gandalf
one of them is Saruman
one of them is a dirty goddamn hippy named Radagast Shitrobe
and there are a bunch of other ones too but they don’t matter.

So Gandalf spends all his time wandering around fighting evil
and figuring out what Sauron’s plans are
while Saruman wastes absolutely no time getting corrupted by Sauron
and searching desperately for the One Ring so he can use it to screw everybody else in the entire world
like he’s forgotten the first rule of wizardry:
“bros before eldritch artifacts of practically limitless power.”

Meanwhile, the nine humans who got corrupted by the rings come back
they’re called the Nazgul now, and they look exactly like how that name sounds
and they take over Minas Ithil and rename it Minas Morgul
because bad guys get to name things too
and Minas Anan, not to be outdone, renames itself to Minas Tirith
And at this point everything is pretty well set up for the lord of the rings:
Bilbo the hobbit finds the ring in the cave
gives it to his son Frodo
Frodo flails and whines his way to Mount Doom and destroys the ring
A dude named Aragorn turns out to be the direct descendant of Isildur
and reforges the sword that got broken in that battle all those years before
Gandalf solves basically every problem anyone ever has
and everybody lives happily ever after.

All of that isn’t important.
What’s important is that after all that
it turns out that Gandalf was the dude who had the third elf ring LIKE THE WHOLE TIME
and he didn’t tell ANYONE
so you know that scene near the beginning of Lord of the Rings
when Frodo tries to give the ring to Gandalf
and Gandalf is like NO I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT MUCH POWER?
What he really meant was
“Nah thanks bro I’m good I already got one.”

It doesn’t really matter though
because once the one ring is destroyed, the other rings don’t work anymore
stupid proprietary technology.
This means that all the elf cities are doomed to fade away and die
so the elves are like “You know what? Fuck it.
Middle Earth has been an endlessly shitty place for as long as we can remember
let’s fulfill the promise of our ancestors
and go live in an immortal party castle forever.”
So they do
and now it’s just humans
sitting around in the ruins of another massive world war
but it’s joke’s on the elves
because at least humans get the gift of death!

Welp
That’s the end of the Silmarillion
which is basically a story about how the world was prophesied to suck
and then ended up sucking, just like the prophecy said
all because some jerkass couldn’t play along with the band during rehearsal
so ultimately, according to Tolkein
the root of all evil
is death metal and fancy jewelry.

Man, dude would fucking hate glam-rock.

THE END.

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