Being an asshole works

I cant believe it took me so long to get to this one

So there’s a guy Sisyphus, right
He’s this king
really rich and powerful
basically because he is the number one asshole
in the whole damn world
like he will invite people over to his house
and then instead of providing them with delicious steaks
he murders them
he also does shit like seduce his niece
even though he is totally rich enough to buy every kind of whore
what is up with that
at that point you are just being a dick for the sake of being a dick
so anyway it is this kind of behavior
that earns him a pretty bad reputation in some circles
like for example with Zeus
who one days gets fed up with this tomfoolery
and sends Thanatos
who is the personification of death
to drag Sisyphus’s ass down to tartarus
which is like …
it’s like worse than hades i think
like double-hell?
anyway Thanatos goes and gets sisyphus
and he is going to chain him up in tartarus forever
when sisyphus goes hold on man
i don’t get how these chains work
can you show me
by demonstrating ON YOURSELF
and thanatos
who is also the personification of retard
goes ok
and chains himself up
and then is like hey ok that’s how they work unlock them now
but sisyphus does not respond
because he is already back up on earth with booze and whores
or booze and his niece
anyway thanatos stays chained up for a bit
which means that no one can die
so sisyphus is able to pass off his assery
as some kind of humanitarian bullshit
until ares interferes
because see
ares gets sick of not being able to kill dudes in combat
like suddenly war is no fun anymore
because he is chopping off dudes’ heads
but they are all putting them back on
and walking around
and drinking and celebrating the fact
that they get to continue living
really it sounds to me like valhalla
which just goes to show
ares would have made a shitty viking
but yeah he gets bored of not being able to murder people
this is real. this is part of the myth
this is not like when i make up bullshit about zeus getting his dick wet
this is actually a true historical fact about ares god of war
he is a huge asshole
canonically
so what he does
is he goes down to double-hell
and he lets thanatos go
and makes him promise to start making people die again
and so of course pretty much the first thing thanatos does
is he goes after sisyphus
but sisyphus is ready for him
cause he probably figured this would happen eventually
so right before he dies
he goes to his wife and says hey honey sup
and his wife goes sup
and he goes you know what you should do for me
because i’m your husband and you have to do what i say
and his wife says what
and sisyphus says you should throw my naked lifeless corpse
into the town square
that is what i want you to do
and his wife says k
so sisyphus dies again
and gets dragged down to hades
and meanwhile his wife goes corpsechucking in the middle of town
and sisyphus gets really pissed off all of a sudden
because really he was TESTING his wife all along
to see if she loved him enough to disobey him
and bury him properly
so he flips out
and he begs persephone
(who always seems to be down in hell
during the stories
i feel like she is sneaking down to hell for quickies
although it does not seem to me
that hades would be very good in bed
but on the other hand he is zeus’s brother
so there you go)
he begs persephone to let him go back up to earth
to scold his wife for being such a bitch
and persephone feels sorry for him
and says k
BIG
FUCKING
MISTAKE
i mean he goes up to earth and he scolds the shit out of his wife
that much he does
but then immediately he goes HAHA I FOOLED YOU FUCK YOU
and just goes right the fuck on living
like a dick
of course forgetting the fact
that he has already been killed TWICE
a fact that is reaffirmed
when hermes shows up
and just grabs sisyphus
and drags him back to hades
FOR THE THIRD TIME
he probably tried to convince them to let him go back up again
by saying like
look ill pay you
or look over there an orgy
or look ill let you sleep with my whores
or at least my niece
but the gods are having none of it
not even persephone
not sure if she’s even here at this point
but no
instead of letting sisyphus live
they let him push a boulder up a hill
forever
and every time he gets it to the top
it falls back down to the bottom
and he has to start all over again
although i’m not sure WHY he keeps doing it
no one actually MAKES him do it
they just give him this boulder and this hill
and say go for it
and he just keeps on truckin’
i guess he feels bad or something?
so basically what this story is telling us
is that assholes live three times as long as you ever will
unless you too are an asshole
in which case you will live the same amount of time
but when you die you will push a rock up a hill forever

the end

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Love makes you a retard

You may have heard this one

so there is this chick, right
her name is Thisbe
and there is also this dude
his name is Pyramus
this chick and this dude
they live in the same house
well actually like
two houses
with an adjoining wall
and their parents
for whatever reason
are all like nooooo you guys cannot bang ever
and pyramus and thisbe of course
take this as a challenge
and they start this love affair
through this one little crack
in one wall
in one room
of their two houses
(shakespeare calls it a chink but i think that is racist)
anyway after a while
pyramus gets tired of this shit
because i mean this is essentially the ancient equivalent
of phone sex
which is the 90s equivalent of cyber sex anyway
i wonder if they ever had telegraph sex
that would have been sick as hell
bitches gettin all tittilated in their petticoats
but yeah
pyramus is literally getting cockblocked by this wall
because the hole is apparently not big enough for his dick
which is another reason small penises are a survival trait
cause what happens next
is they arrange a place to meet
like to sneak out and meet up and do some serious bangin
so on the appointed night thisbe sneaks out
and she is so excited she shows up early
and then instead of pyramus showing up
there is a fucking LION
all like ROARRRRRRRR
and thisbe is like HOLY FUCKING SHIT JESUS
and she distracts the fierce lion by throwing her veil at it
and then runs the fuck away
and the lion kind of wanders around and drinks some water
and then casually mauls the fuck out of the veil
and gets blood all over it somehow
i guess because it already had blood on its mouth
and only THEN does pyramus show up
because i guess he was not serious about getting his dick wet
like if it had been zeus instead of pyramus
he would have arrived so on-time he arrived TWICE
and then there would have been a threesome
ANYWAY he shows up and the lion is kind of just hanging out there
i guess this is the lion’s spot
fucking retards setting up a romantic meeting in a goddamn lion’s den
and pyramus sees the veil all mauled and bloody
and comes to the obvious conclusion
and stabs himself to death
so then of course
thisbe’s lust for pyramus’s manpole
overrides her fear of lions
and she comes back
and the lion is gone now anyway
i guess it got scared away by all the emo bullshit
and all that is there is pyramus’ stabbed corpse
and so thisbe comes to the obvious conclusion
and stabs HERSELF to death
and there is this mulberry bush nearby
and their blood gets all over the fruits
and that is why they are red now
so every time you eat a mulberry
if you ever do, because i sure fucking dont
just remember that you are eating retard blood

The End

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Moonraper

Right so anyway

there is a dude named endymion
and no one is really sure where his is or what he does
because some people say he was like
a king
and some people say he herded sheep
and some people say he was an astronomer
and he is buried in two different places
so like shit is pretty vague
but lets just assume
for the purpose of this story
that he was some kind of stargazing
sheepherding
hunk of sexy man
i say the last part
because every night
when he would stare up at the stars and shit
Selene the titan who moves the moon would look down
and be like holy shit that is some tasty manmeat right there
hey handsome whats your name
but endymion does not respond
because he is not a CRAZY PERSON who hears VOICES COMING FROM THE MOON
so selene goes over to zeus
and is like hey zeus i need you to do me a favor
and make this one guy immortal for me
and zeus is like why should i
and selene is prolly like i’ll touch your penis
and zeus is like for how long
and selene is like 20 seconds
and zeus is like 30
and selene is like 14
and zeus is like SOLD
so zeus is kind of a prick about it though
and instead of just making endymion immortal
he puts him to sleep
forever
in a cave
but actually this works out pretty well for selene
because she is then free to daterape endymion endlessly
and in fact
she daterapes him a total of 50 times
and has 50 of his kids
thus ends history’s only account
of an astronomer getting laid

The End

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Man on man time

Alright so we all know Zeus fucks a lot of chicks

but did you know that Zeus also fucks a lot of DUDES?!
Yes indeed
for example
there was this one dude named Ganymede
now Ganymede
he is not just any dude
he is the studliest man in the entire world basically
greek myth has a lot of these kinds of guys
like Adonis
and Narcissus
and i hear Achilles was pretty hot
to the point where
i think it just becomes a matter of personal preference
or maybe they were setting it up
for some kind of highlander thing
where there could be only one
but like with more man-on-man boning maybe?
and like it never got written?
or maybe it got written and then it got lost
or like burned
anyway
for the purposes of this myth lets say
that Ganymede is the studliest stud ever to stud the stud
if you know what i mean
and i am sure that you do
so zeus is going down his checklist of sentient beings to bang
and is like hmm this is odd
Ganymede sounds like a guy’s name
HOLY SHIT IT’S A GUY
LOOK AT HIM LOOK AT HIS PECS
I AM BOUT TO HIT THAT
LIKE A GODDAMN FREIGHT TRAIN
but wait
my wife can’t know about this
even though she already knows about like
the 9 billion other creatures i have put my dick in
i gotta be stealthy
so what does he do
he makes a bigass lighting storm over troy
where ganymede lives
and then he turns into an eagle
and goes screeching in
and kidnaps this kid
SUPER NINJA
not like hera is gonna be like oh wow
look at all that lightning
couldn’t possibly have anything to do with my husband
THE GOD OF MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTING
so zeus takes the kid up to mt olympus
and fucks him a bunch
and then is like shit i wanna keep this kid
but i don’t want my wife to know what’s going on
i know
I’ll give him a job so it looks like i just HIRED him
instead of kidnapping him
and then putting my dick in his butt
and also his mouth
and maybe he did some of that stuff to me as well
the myth is not clear on these points
definitely they at least slipped each other the tongue
no foolin
so the job zeus comes up with for the kid
is official CUP-BEARER for the gods of olympus
which just means that he serves the booze
Ganymede is really good at this job
cause all the gods think he is super hot
and also he invents MEAD
and he is still banging zeus
and every time he serves zeus his drinks
he kisses the edge of the cup
right in front of Hera and everything
like seriously
zeus is not very good at hiding his affairs
and so obviously hera gets pretty pissed
and is like GRR GONNA MURDER
and zeus is like nope can’t do that
i already made him immortal
suck on that
and hera says make me
and zeus says how about i just make Ganymede suck on that instead
and hera gets REALLY pissed off then
and is like well if i can’t kill Ganymede
i guess I’ll just have to settle for killing EVERYONE HE HAS EVER LOVED
and she gets everyone really pissed off at Troy
(not just for that reason though. it’s also because of that beauty contest and junk)
and everyone attacks troy
and burns it to the ground
and meanwhile zeus is busy turning Ganymede into a constellation
specifically aquarias
so the moral is
if you are pretty
you will get kidnapped by an eagle
and the eagle will sleep with you and you will become immortal

God Bless America

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I am fucking terrified of spiders

Ever heard of Arachne?

well you are ABOUT to hear of her
she was this chick
and her thing was to be incredibly good at weaving
she would just sit and weave all day
and everyone was like damn girl that is some fine-ass cloth you are weaving
and at first she was like
thank you for that lovely compliment
but later she was like
yeah i know
i’m totally the best weaver ever
BETTER
THAN
ANYBODY
and in a world without vengeful gods
that might have been the end of it
but this is ancient greece
where you cannot throw a fucking rock
without murdering a sacred snake
and getting your dick cut off

so it turns out
than in addition to being the goddess of wisdom and war
Athena is also the goddess of weaving
which i think suggests
that her domain
is things that start with the letter W
except that poseidon is the god of water?
great job athena
anyway athena gets pissed off because Arache is so goddam full of herself
and so she disguises herself as an old woman
and goes down to earth and is like
sup arachne
and arachne is like sup
have you heard that I am the greatest weaver even greater than Athena
and Athena says no bitch tell me more
and Arachne says well that’s basically it
i am the shit and that is not a lie
and Athena says i dunno i hear this athena is pretty great at weaving
and Arachne says oh yeah i could fucking take her
and then Athena morphs into Athena and is like BRING IT BIIIII
IIIIIII
IIIIIITCH
AND IT IS ON
THEY START WEAVING SO FUCKING HARD
THE CONTEST PROBABLY GOES ON FOR LIKE
8
WHOLE
DAYYYYS
they are straight up just weaving the fuck out of some tapestries
Athena is weaving a tapestry about how mortals should shut the fuck up
and show some respect
and Arachne is making a tapestry about the gods
basically being dicks
and fucking around
so essentially
they are having a rap battle
with STRING
and they finish weaving
and Athena is like alright bitch show me what you made
and she sees it and it is IMMACULATE
straight up
she cannot find a single flaw in this shit
so she FREAKS THE FUCK OUT
and is like okay if you’re so good at weaving weave up your FACE
and then she cuts Arachne’s FACE
and then breaks her loom and probably the chair she sat on too
and is like KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is all I will not kneel
and athena is all KNEEL BITCH
and arachne is like you know what
how about i hang myself how about that
and Athena says fine
and Arachne says fine
and she hangs herself
but then Athena gets all butthurt about it
and kind of feels bad
and so she goes over
and sprinkles her with the juice of this plant
called aconite
but also called blue rocket
which is way sweeter
and it makes arachne bald
and she shrinks
and her neck won’t fit in the noose anymore
and the noose becomes a web
and arachne turns into a spider
and athena looks at her
and she says
can’t even kill yourself right can you bitch

THE END

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Orpheus

Fuckin’ Orpheus.

This dude has all the hookups
Seriously his mom is a muse
specifically the muse of singing
and when he is like five or something
Apollo shows up like WHAT UP
I AM HERE TO BANG ONE OF UR MOMS SISTERS
HEY DO YOU WANT A LYRE
by the way a lyre is some kind of instrument
like a fucking ultraharp or something
basically how it works
is if apollo gives you one you have a future in the music industry
so naturally at some point Orpheus just goes down to earth
and starts melting face with his amazing music
seriously this shit is fantastic
like so fantastic
that when Jason is getting some argonauts together
(argonauts are dudes who go around on a boat called the Argo)
to do some ridiculous adventuring
he is like
I know we are all seriously bad dudes on this ship
like with muscles and stuff
but you know what we need?
we need a dude with a lyre
and they get orpheus
and then
when they go past the sirens
who sing such sexy music that any dude who hears it
is like OH SHIT GOTTA GO DROWN MYSELF TRYING TO HIT THAT NOW
Orpheus hears that shit and goes aw hell no
and whips out his lyre
and solos SO HARD
that nobody can hear the sirens
and anyway nobody cares
because Orpheus is way fucking better than those skanks
so yeah that’s the kind of guy he is
and obviously a dude like this is pulling down tail like he is trying on costumes at the godzilla costume warehouse or something
but his favorite chick
for some reason
is this skirt named Eurydice
i don’t know that much about her
but probably she was pretty hot
because i mean Orpheus was essentially the ultimate rockstar
with like
additional rockstars taped to each of his fingers
he had his pick of the crop is what i’m saying
but she was not too bright
i know this because one day
when she and Orpheus were walking
on a mountain or something
she stepped on a whole fuckton of snakes
and the snakes killed her
this is what happens when you step on snakes
but Orpheus ain’t havin’ none of it
so he just sits down
and composes the ultimate emo symphony
which is so incredibly drenched in secret pain
and angst and nihilism
that all the gods are like fuck man
what are we going to do about this
and finally zeus comes down
and is like hey man
why is it that you demigods
are always doing things
which prevent me from laying down serious dick
really dude i cannot get these chicks in the mood
with you down here being a pussy
play some barry manilowe or something jesus
and Orpheus says no man i am just too bummed
and Zeus says okay crybaby
why don’t you just go down to hades and get your skank back
and Orpheus says i think i will
so he does
and he just charms the pants off of Hades so hard
with his lyre and his singing
oh and also persephone
he charms her pants off too
were women allowed to wear pants back then?
anyway
yeah persephone is down there
which i guess means its winter
which i guess means zeus couldn’t be getting any poontang anyway
unless he came up with a brilliant scheme for getting laid in winter
which, knowing zeus, is not very difficult to believe
ANYWAY
everybody’s pants are just charmed WAYYYY off
and hades says
ok christ man
i will give you your woman back
but only if you pass a ludicrous and arbitrary test
which i am going to specify for you
basically your chick’s ghost will follow you
all the way out of hades
but you can’t look at her
until you’re both in the real world
or you never get her back
make sense?
and Orpheus says not really
and Hades says tough tits that’s how it’s gonna be
so Orpheus kind of has to go along
and he starts walking
and on the way out he sees a bunch of demons
and he’s like hey demons
and they’re like hey orpheus sup
and he says oh just leading my chick out of hell
and they say your chick? what chick
and orpheus says the one right behind me smartass
and they say oh
THAT chick
and then they kind of chuckle a little bit
and this is making orpheus nervous
like real nervous
and he really wants to look
but he knows he can’t look
but then the VERY MOMENT
that he steps out of hades
he turns around to see if she’s really there
and SHE IS
but SHE IS STILL IN HELL
so Orpheus fails the test
and Eurydice disappears forever
and he’s back to square one
he is SO UPSET BY THIS
that he vows to only fuck underaged boys for the rest of his life
and he goes and sits on a hill
and just plays emo shit all day
so one day
all of these followers of Bacchus show up
and are like hey dude we’re having a party right here right now
you still chill with Bacchus?
and Orpheus is like fuck no i only worship THE SUN
and they are like dude are you sure about that
we are a bunch of hot chicks and we are about to have an orgy
and only people who are down with Bacchus are invited to the orgy
and Orpheus says fuck no i only have sex with people’s SONS
and the chicks are all like well ok
and then they tear off his skin and rape his corpse
and rip his head off
and chuck it into a river
along with his lyre
which he is inexplicably still able to play
and he just floats off down the river
making awesome music
forever
the moral of the story is
unless you can play your instrument with your head ripped off
and your arms and skin missing
you are not a real musician

The end

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Switching shit up

Okay so normally I talk about greek dudes

but i am going to switch it up right now and talk about some mayan dudes instead
for example
there is this one mayan dude
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan
and Gugumatz
And Heart-of-Sky
and im not even really sure if he is one person or two people
because they keep acting like he is two people
but the two people never do anything independently
so they’re basically just one person
or like some kind of hive-mind
anyway we’re going to call this thing Quetzalcoatl
Quetzalcoatl is bored because all there is anywhere is just a whole bunch of water
and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because there is no light
so Quetzalcoatl is like okay boom
and there is some light
and then he goes boom again
and there is some land
but this is still pretty lame because what is the point
of being able to do this kind of shit
if there is no one around to get freaked out by how cool it is
so he has this great idea
and he makes some forests
and then he just makes up a bunch of animals
like jaguars and shit
a whole bunch of shit but mostly jaguars
and then he’s like
WHOA JAGUARS LOOK I JUST FUCKING MADE YOU
LIKE AS IF BY MAGIC OR SOMETHING
PRETTY NEAT HUH
And the jaguars are all rarrrr we are jaguars
we can’t talk or be impressed
so Quetzalcoatl is like aww fuck you guys
I’m gonna make some way more awesome creatures
and they are going to worship me
and you are going to be their SLAVES
so he gets some dirt
and he makes dirt-people
but the dirt-people really suck
because first of all
they are made out of dirt
second of all they only speak gibberish
and also they dissolve in water
so basically they are pretty lame
and Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they COULD worship him
he would get pretty embarassed
so he kills all of them
by dumping water on them
and then he calls these 2 other dudes
Xpiacoc and Xmucane
who have names that sound like antidepressants
and is like hey is it a good idea for me to make people out of wood?
and they say yeah go for it
so he makes people out of wood
like a whole bunch of wooden robots basically
and they can speak and walk around
and they don’t dissolve in water
but they are tremendous assholes
one might even say they had a STICK up their asses
get it get it
anyway
they totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl at all
and he’s getting pretty pissed at this point
because he has seriously made EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS
and no one is giving him ANY CREDIT
so he kind of freaks the fuck out a little
and rains fire
and rain
and burns everything to cinders
and then makes all of the wood-people’s cookware come alive and kill them
and all the animals move into their houses and eat them
even though they are made of wood and totally not tasty
and meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunch of people
out of tortillas
and they live happily ever after
in fact everyone lives happily ever after
except the wood people
who get chased into the woods and turned into monkeys
so the moral of the story is
never set fire to a monkey
because it is made out of wood
and you will start a forest fire

The End.

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Pandora’s Box

So Prometheus

He is this guy
Actually not a guy but a titan
but anyway he is all hanging out up in olympus
with all the gods
and they are having a party
like a sweet beach party
with a sweet beach bonfire
only not on the beach because the gods live on mount olympus
but like they are gods so i guess there could be a beach if they wanted
look that’s not important the important thing is there is a huge fire
and prometheus goes over and looks down at earth
and it is night, and also cold
and all the humans are down there on earth eating raw meat and freezing to death
and prometheus is like man
i bet this is a problem i could solve with fire
so he steals some of that huge fire and sneaks down the mountain and is like
here humans this is fire
dont tell zeus cause i’m not supposed to be giving you this
and the humans are all SWEET
LET’S SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
so the secret gets out pretty quick
and Zeus goes WHAAAAAAAAT
IS THIS
HUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MISERABLE ALL THE TIME
GUYS THIS IS THE POINT
PROMETHEUS DID YOU DO THIS
and i guess prometheus just straight up says yes,
cause then zeus gets pissed off and goes
YOU KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO IM GONNA PUNISH YOU
WITH TRICKERY
And then he goes and has Hephaestus (the gimp leg guy)
make a clay sculpture of his whore of a wife (Aphrodite)
and then BAM zeus turns it into a chick
a HUMAN chick
because yeah apparently earth was a sausagefest up til this point
anyway zeus gives her a box and is like YOU BETTER NOT OPEN THIS EVER
and she is like uh huh ok
also her name is pandora
and her box isn’t really a box it is really a jar
but box sounds way cooler than jar
cause it has an X in it
THIS IS CALLED REVISIONIST HISTORY PEOPLE
so zeus goes to Prometheus and says hey would you like a wife
i made you a wife
and prometheus says OH NO YOU DONT
i totally still remember yesterday when you said you were gonna punish me with trickery
no way am i fucking that bitch
and zeus says alright suit yourself
and pandora marries some other dude
and then she gets curious and opens up her box
because seriously why the fuck would zeus give that to her
and then EVERY BAD THING POSSIBLE comes out of the box
like hate and disease and teabagging
and the dumb bitch is just sitting there like whuuuuuuuuuuuuu
until finally she gets her shit together and goes OH FUCK
and slams the box shut
managing to trap ONE THING in the box
and that one thing is hopelessness
which means that we still have hope
even though she fucked everything up
and it also means
that everything was destined to go to shit whether or not prometheus married Pandora
which means
that the real trick was not to get prometheus to marry pandora
but to psyche him into turning down a perfectly good piece of ass.
Zeus: 1
Prometheus: gets his liver eaten by vultures forever

The end.

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Persephone

Oh shit someone just reminded me about Persephone

So persephone is the daughter of this chick Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot
so hot, in fact
that hades down in the underworld (which is also called hades actually)
looks up one day and sees her and goes DAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
AAAAA
AAAA
MN
I gotta get me some of that
so he just pops on up to the world in his black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says hey little girl do you want to come to hell
and she probably would have said no only he kidnapped her
basically hades is the ultimate ladies’ man
so then they’re kind of hanging out down in hell
and it’s always been pretty depressing in hell
but it’s actually a little bit better with persephone there
because she’s not a little emo bitch like hades is all the time even though he has a WHOLE BADASS KINGDOM TO HIMSELF
seriously why’s he always gotta be moping
anyway Persephone pulls some interior decorating and shit and wham
hell is pretty okay all of a sudden
but all is not well
because meanwhile, Demeter up in the regular world
is fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughter
and it does not help at all when she finds out that she was kidnapped by the king of hell
So demeter gets real depressed
and when demeter gets depressed
all the plants die
and everthing freezes
and being alive just kind of starts to suck
because she is the goddess of crops and seasons and whatnot
and up to this point no one has even heard of winter
but now they are getting nothing but winter nonstop and out of control
24-7
365
except actually maybe only for several months
but either way shit is intolerable
and Zeus gets fed up and goes and hits Demeter up and says
HAY BITCH WHATS WITH ALL THE WINTER
and demeter says hmm i dunno maybe it’s because your brother is raping my daughter in hell
And zeus says hm good point
so he goes down to the underworld
and he says listen bro i hate to block your cock but
like
shit is completely intolerable up in the real world
and it is downright impossible for me to get any quality dick laid down at this ball-freezing temperature
And hades says aw man why you gotta be like that
and Zeus says im sorry but you’re less important than me
give demeter her daughter back
and don’t you dare try any funny business
such as for example feeding her any food whatsoever from the underworld
because as you know
if she eats any of it
she will be forced to stay in hades with you forever
and hades says oh yeah that would be a tragedy none of us want that
and as soon as zeus is out the door hades turns around
and is like sup persephone
and persephone says sup
and he says hey are you hungry
and she says well now that you mention it i haven’t eaten or drank a single thing since you brought me down here months ago
hades is a shitty host
so hades goes well hey
the only thing we have in the underworld
is POMEGRANATES
(which is yet another reason the underworld is awesome and hades should stop fucking crying about it)
so he starts feeding her the pomegranate seeds one at a time
and he manages to stuff six into her mouth
when her mom shows up
and is like ok honey time to go home
and persephone says ok
and Hades says PRANK’D I FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO STAY
and Demeter is like AW FUCK WHAT DO I DO ZEUS
and zeus is extremely flustered because he has just probably been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous boning
and he says OK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS JUST … JUST FUCKING COMPROMISE
LIKE I KNOW THERES A RULE ABOUT THE FOOD AND SHIT,
AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE THAT RULE ACTUALLY
BUT LIKE
I AM SERIOUSLY FREEZING MY BALLS OFF UP HERE
SO HOW BOUT
HADES GETS HER FOR 6 MONTHS AND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE OTHER 6
and demeter says sure fine but i’m going to freeze the shit out of everything for the six months my daughter is gone
and zeus says fine i guess i’m just going to have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the summer
and hades says i guess I’ll have to double up on the amount of banging i do during the winter
and it works out in the end
because both Zeus and Hades know
that when either of them is getting laid
he does not have to even worry about thinking about his brother having any sex
and just ruining the mood
because they are never getting laid at the same time ever
that’s how that works.

The end.

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Haven’t seen Clash of the Titans yet

So everybody knows Zeus is the king of the gods, right?

WRONG.

Well right he is the king of the gods, but he wasn’t always.
For a while there was this guy Uranus who was a total asshole
haha uranus
anyway he was the king of the gods, born out of the sky or maybe it was the aether
i tend to forget this shit
but either way he was definitely married to Gaia
Who some sources say also gave birth to him
so … awkward
but like I was saying
Uranus boned Gaia a bunch
Because it was basically just him and Gaia alone in the universe and what else were they gonna do
and they had a whole bunch of kids
but the Uranus suddenly decides he hates all of the kids
and instead of like
giving them up for adoption or something
he just decides to try and stuff them all BACK INSIDE HIS WIFE
And she is the entire earth you understand so this would be fine if they were like
normal children
you know like BABIES or something
but they are not babies they are TITANS.
And so all these titans are writhing around in Gaia going nuts
and Gaia gets seriously fed up with this shit and tells one of them
whose name is Cronus
Hey cronus get your sissy-ass brothers
and get the fuck out of my womb and murder your father
and Cronus says ILL DO YOU ONE BETTER I’LL SAW OFF HIS BALLS
and Gaia says THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FANTASTIC PLAN
HERE HAVE MY BALL-SAWING SCYTHE
So one night Uranus is about to get busy with Gaia again
like i guess so he can father another baby and then stuff it back into her
but instead of getting sex he gets SURPRISE PENISECTOMY FROM HIS SON
all jumping out from behind a rock like PRANKED GOT YOUR DICK DAD
and Uranus’ dick falls into the ocean
and makes a whole ton of foam
and that is where Aphrodite comes from eventually
from dick-foam
that’s how classy SHE is.
So then Cronus is king of the gods suddenly
The gods being actually the other titans
including some dudes called the CYCLOPES and the HECATONCHEIRES
who have one eye and a hundred hands respectively
who Uranus had ESPECIALLY HATED
And part of the whole reason Cronus killed his dad was to free those dudes
but no sooner is he king then he goes PSYCHE and stuffs them right back into gaia’s cooch AGAIN
So obviously this pisses off Gaia
and it makes Cronus out to be a huge dick
even though he presides over the golden age of man
where dudes pop fully formed out of the earth and there is milk and honey everywhere and it is illegal to eat cows
Basically it comes to pass that an oracle tells cronus that his kid is gonna kill him
Just like he killed his dad
so he freaks the fuck out and is like SHIT I HAVE SO MANY KIDS I NEED TO CUT DOWN
MAYBE I SHOULD STUFF THEM INTO MY WIFE-waaaaaait a second
i’m becoming my father.
nobody wants that.
So instead cronus comes up with the sensible alternative of personally devouring all his kids
so he just goes around stuffing them all in his mouth
but the fact that he is eating his kids apparently does nothing to stop him from banging his wife Rhea
Because he is the king of the gods after all
so she keeps having kids
and he keeps demanding to eat them
but after a while she catches on to his crafty prank
and when she gives birth to Poseidon
and Cronos is all WHERE THE KID AT IM HUNGRY
she’s like oh that’s weird i gave birth to a horse instead of a kid whoops
and Cronos had no reason to disbelieve her because hey if Aphrodite can come from dickfoam then why can’t Rhea pop out a horse
So he eats the horse instead of poseidon
and then he gets Rhea preggers AGAIN
and this time she is pregnant with ZEUS
and CRONOS is all HEY WIFE STILL HUNGRY YOU GOT ANY MORE CHILDREN I CAN EAT
and Rhea is crafty as fuck and just takes a bigass rock
and dresses it up like a baby
and then feeds it to Cronos
but he catches onto that prank pretty fast
and starts running around probably just putting random parts of the world in his mouth
until he finds the one that has his son in it
so Rhea tells Zeus
you know what you should do is you should go free the CYCLOPES and the HECATONCHEIRES
and go murder your dad
and Zeus says I’ll do you one better
how bout instead of killing him
i make him vomit up all my siblings
and then i imprison him somewhere
and Rhea says we can work with that
So Zeus and those ugly one eyed dudes and the really ugly hundred-handed dudes
all siege the shit out of cronos
and then they stick their fingers down his throat
and he barfs up all the gods and goddesses, or at least a lot of them
and then Zeus is the king of the gods

The end.

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