Oh man i just remembered this one
So one of the most inexplicable things about the greek pantheon
is that Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus
Aphrodite is like the high school cheerleader of the greek pantheon
And Hephaestus is the guy with the gimp leg who is always making historically accurate ww2 models
He doesn’t actually make ww2 models because ww2 has not happened yet but he does have a gimp leg, I’m not making that part up
Aphrodite is the goddess of boning everywhere all the time
and Hepaestus is the god of sitting in a forge all day making armor and swords for all the muscley dudes who go out and murder other muscley dudes and then sleep with all the women
So why the fuck is Hephaestus married to Aphrodite?
How did he score such sweet tail?
Well because Aphrodite is the goddess of boning EVERYONE
ALL THE TIME
so it’s not like she’s gonna actually be faithful or anything
and in fact she is sort of making a habit of boning Ares god of war, who is like the quarterback to her slutty cheerleader
She is actually doing it IN HEPHAESTUS’ BED when he is out working at the forge probably making armor for Ares even.
But Hephaestus is not a dumbass.
He’s probably got a whole bunch of mirrors and shit set up so that he can see into his own bedroom at all times from everywhere because he finds out what is going on
and he decides to show his cheating whore of a wife what’s what
so he melts down the armor he was making for ares and he uses all the metal to make some chains
and then he uses his mad skills to make these chains into a giant indestructible net
and then he hangs the net over his bed like a canopy
and the next time Aphrodite is doing the wango bango with Ares
Hephaestus leaps into the room all like
except he can’t leap cause he has a gimp leg
but anyway he drops the net on them
and it traps them on his bed
BUT THE JOKE’S ON HIM because they had no intention of leaving the bed and they’re both like
welp, we’re caught, might as well continue our boner fiesta in plain view
BUT THE JOKE’S ON THEM
because Hephaestus invited all the other gods to come hang out in his bedroom today
so they all start rolling in
and Bacchus is laughing his ass off
because he can totally see nipple
and Poseidon pokes zeus and says “would you tap that?”
and Zeus says “probably already have.”
(I am not making that up, that shit is in the odyssey)
But really the joke is still on Hephaestus because his wife is boning another man right in front of him and even the best blacksmith cannot repair a broken relationship
So this dude Minos is having all kinds of problems being king of Crete
because his brothers are all want to be the king of crete instead
so they are all murdering each other like nonstop
until minos has this fantastic idea and he is like hey poseidon you should make me win
and poseidon is all ok I am going to send you a bitchin’ white bull
it means you will win
but you have to kill it later in my honor
and minos says uh huh sure okay make me king
so poseidon sends this bull
which is made out of sea foam or some shit i guess
and Minos becomes king
but then he really REALLY likes this bull
it is a really sweet bull
I dont think you guys understand what hot shit bulls were in ancient greece
you have to remember minos didnt have the internet
so bulls were like THE HEIGHT OF TECHNOLOGY
and this was like the APPLE IPAD OF BULLS
so he decides hey i am not going to kill this bull what’s the worst that could happen im already king right?
Well right he is king but something bad definitely happens because Minos has a wife
and Poseidon goes and says hey Aphrodite you know what you should do you should make that bitch fall in love with my bull
and aphordite looks up from giving Ares a blowjob and says yeah ok
so all of a sudden minos’s wife is like mad attracted to this cow
but the problem is that the cow is not at all into chicks
like, human chicks
so she has this brilliant idea and she calls up this dude deadalus
and she is like i need someone to build me a GIANT WOODEN COWSUIT
so i can fuck cows
who is a fantastic genius inventor
is like sure no problem
and he makes her the suit
and she puts it on
and she goes out to the bull and the bull fucks that thing half to death
and she gets preggers
and Minos realizes something is up when she gives birth to a HIDEOUS COWBABY
aka the minotaur
so Minos does the smart thing and calls up the oracle at delphi
because that never leads to bad decisions
and the oracle says hey just build a maze around it no harm no foul
so minos gets this guy Daedalus
(more like DEADalus amirite)
because either he doesnt know deadalus built the cowsuit for his wife
or he doesnt give a shit because deadalus is that fucking good
so either way he gets him to build this awesome maze
and then instead of paying him with money
he pays him with years in prison
locked in a tower with his son icarus
in a tower over the ocean
Minos is a retard though because he has locked a master craftsman and his son in a tower
with apparently an unlimited supply of feathers and wax
so they make wings
and jump out the window
but you know who else is a retard is Icarus
because he does not understand that the sun is made of heat
whereas his wings are only made of wax and birdhair
so he flies way the fuck up towards the sun
and the sun says aw hell no
and Icarus’ wings break and he drowns
and his genius dad lives happily ever after no longer hampered by his dumbass son or something.
So there’s this guy Actaeon, right?
He’s a pretty good hunter or something. Like he really likes to hunt and he thinks he’s the shit.
So he goes into the woods one day to murder some animals, along with all his trusty murderin’ hounds
And he gets lost and what does he find but Artemis the goddess of hunting and never having any sex ever.
and what’s more she is TOTALLY NUDE bathing with like a dozen other naked chicks.
So Actaeon totally forgets about hunting and he just sits down behind a bush to jerk it for a bit.
But i guess artemis is a really good huntress so she hears him jerking it? and then she goes AWWW WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE I’M JUST TRYING TO BE COMPLETELY NUDE AND ENTICING HERE IN THE FOREST ALL BY MYSELF
So she turns him into a deer, which on its own wouldn’t be that bad,
Except Actaeon was HUNTING DEER.
And so his dogs all show up like WOOF WOOF WOOF WHATS UP WHERE THE DEER AT
And Actaeon is like OH SHIT NO DEFINITELY NOT HERE DUDES
but they are dogs and he is a deer and none of them speak english so the wolves just eat the shit out of him and he dies.
Man artemis is kind of a bitch.
like there is this huge dick who goes to the oracle at delphi
and he says “what is up oracle”
and the oracle says well
basically your grandson is going to kill you
and the guy, who is actually also a king
goes OHHHH SNAPPPPP
GUESS I HAD BETTER BUILD A GIANT PRISON AROUND MY DAUGHTER SO SHE CAN’T GET KNOCKED UP
and he builds the prison
and then zeus is flying around being a dick
and he sees this chick in the prison, which happens to have an open roof
and he’s like you know what, i have not raped enough women lately
let me just turn into some golden dust and pour on in there and impregnate this chick
so he does
and she gives birth to perseus
who goes and slays medusa
and brings back the headand then is so excited by all of this that he shows the head to his grandfather, who has totally usurped the kingdom and done a terrible job in perseus’ absence basically
and his granddad and all of his loyal asshole lackeys turn to stone
Here’s a pretty good one:
So there’s this dude Tiresias, right? I think I mentioned him when i was talking about the dude who fucked his mom. yeah so besides having an awesome name, Tiresias is this guy who was walking in the forest one day or maybe the mountains and he sees these two snakes doing it and so he just goes WHAT I DON’T WANNA SEE NO SNAKES DOIN IT UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN and just runs up and beats them to death with his trusty walking stick. Also he is blind but maybe not at this point in the story cause i guess he needed to see the snakes. Anyway, apparently Hera was really involved in seeing these snakes do it because then she gets REALLY pissed and says HEY MOTHERFUCKER SO YOU LIKE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SNAKES HUH WELL HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU … into a woman for some reason.
So bam, Tiresias becomes a woman for 7 years. He doesn’t treat it as a punishment basically at all and in fact he just shits right into Hera’s hands by becoming the best prostitute the world has ever seen. Lady Tiresias just pullin’ out all the fucking stops. So after 7 years of awesome loveless sex he i mean she is wandering through the mountains again and sees two snakes doing it. Now you can read different versions of the myth and some of them say that he left the snakes alone but i prefer the one that says that he just went fuck it and ran up and beat the snakes to death again. and then Hera kind of sighed and realized that she was not going to teach this motherfucker anything about anything and let him be a man again because really if you are going around beating the shit out of reptiles what are you other than the ultimate man? I think that’s when he goes blind, maybe just because he is too awesome to have eyes or maybe because he is also a prophet (oh did I not mention that part? Yeah he’s a motherfucking prophet too) and the light of the divine burns out his retinas or some shit. And then after that he shows up in a whole bunch of storied and he is always right about everything he says and no one ever fucks with him because he is psychic and also probably a sex god.
Ok so like
The gods are having this party, right?
They invite everybody. Literally EVERYBODY except for this one chick Eris. Eris is just completely the worst person not to invite to your party because number one she is a huge bitch and number two she is the GODDESS OF FUCKING CHAOS.
So the party gets started, and you know bacchus prolly has his hand up like six different kinds of blouse by this point, and all of a sudden this apple just rolls into the party and the gods are all like
WHAAAAAAAAAAT is this
and on the apple it says
“To the fairest” but in greek, not in english.
So being gods they decide to make this into the biggest pissing contest possible and not just you know eat the apple or something and so Hera says “hey yeah obviously that is meant for me” and Athena says “what no come on look at my tits” and aphrodite says “hey guys are you forgetting that I basically INVENTED SEX” and bacchus is just laughing his ass off cause this distraction just means he can get his hands up so many more blouses also he’s pretty drunk.
Anyway these three chicks are like “OH NO SHE DI-INT” all over this perfectly good party until zeus goes “okay ladies stop shitting up this party” and the ladies are like “OK SO WHICH ONE OF US IS THE FAIREST” and zeus knows when to step off so he says well it wouldnt be fair for me to judge seeing as i have probably fucked every single person at this party like 40 times so let’s get an impartial judge.
So they go and get a mortal named Paris. I think they pick Paris because he is the only dude they know who is enough of a fucking retard to get involved in this shit. they hit him up and are like “hey how would you like to potentially incur the wrath of two of the three most powerful female beings in the universe?” and Paris goes “do i get to see tits?”
SO THE CONTEST IS ON. But it’s a complete sham because right away Hera says “if you pick me in the beauty contest I will make you a king” and then Athena says “oh yeah well i will make you incredibly wise” and aphrodite says “hello why do you guys keep forgetting i invented sex hey paris do you want some sex pick me.” so paris picks aphrodite because he is just itching to get his dick wet watching all these goddesses prance around naked all over the place.
So aphrodite is like hm where should i find a chick to give to Paris? Oh I know I will steal one from some other king and give her to paris and that sure won’t piss anyone off. Guess what? it totally does piss someone off, and then Hera makes it worse by going over to the dude who lost his wife (Menelaus) and being like you know what’s a great idea? all out war against the dude who took your wife.
So yeah, then the trojan war happens. there’s a bunch of pages describing all the dudes who show up to the war who you never see again and then pretty much everybody gets murdered and Achilles is basically an emo bitch the whole time the end.
Okay so check it out.
Basically Oedipus is this dude who is the king of this city called Cadmus. He has a pretty sweet deal, because he happened to show up right after some dudes in the desert murdered the old king and then he freed them all from this evil sphinx by answering that riddle from ghostbusters which made it inexplicably kill itself and so naturally everybody made him king and he got to bang the queen Jocasta. Like essentially the best day ever.
Except now days are not so good, because Cadmus has just completely gone to shit. Not that it is Oedipus’ fault or anything, because it’s not. Just like, everyone is dying of plague and all the crops are dead and none of the women are putting out or anything.
So Oedipus does what any greek king does in this situation, he calls up this prophet Tiresias (oh man tiresias. I’ll tell you about him later) and he’s like “Hey man why does my kingdom suck so many balls?” And tiresias says “well you should probably figure out who killed the king and then maybe that will solve everything. By the way you are going to kill your father and fuck your mom.”
Obviously Oedipus is not very happy about that answer so he just tells Tiresias to GTFO and then vows to find the dude who killed the old king. But here’s the problem:
OEDIPUS killed the king. Because like, he was walking through the desert, and he ran into this royal procession, and the royal procession started getting all up in his grill and so he MURDERED EVERYONE and then never thought to mention this to anyone. Oh, also, the king? Totally Oedipus’ dad. Because when Oedipus was born the Oracle at Delphi was all like: You know what your son is going to do? kill you and then sex your wife. Basically every prophet in the entire goddamn universe knew this shit was going to go down. So the king did what any greek king does and he stapled Oedipus’s feet together and sent him to the top of a mountain to die, only the guy who was supposed to take him there actually took him to some foster parents instead cause he felt bad. And then Oedipus heard a prophecy that he was gonna kill his dad and rape his mom so he left his foster parents so as not to rape and murder them and just charged STRAIGHT INTO the real rapemurderfest.
So obviously when Oedipus hears about this he gouges out his eyes and then his mom kills herself and everybody is fucking miserable forever despite the fact that all anyone was trying to do was avoid raping each other. The end.
Thanks a lot Oracle.