Race-ism

So Atalanta right?

I mean holy shit
this chick has got to have
like the most badass childhood
EVER
so her dad is a king right
no one can agree what the king’s name was
so lets just call him
Schoeneus
because that’s the stupidest sounding one i could find
so Schoeneus sees his brand new daughter
and is like FUCK THIS
WHERE IS THE PENIS ON THIS CHILD
and his wife is like honey there is no penis
this is a girl
and Schoeneus is like FUCK THAT
ABANDON HER IN THE WOODS
so they do
on top of a mountain actually
now normally
when you leave a baby alone in the woods
it will die pretty fast
but no
not Atalanta
instead
Artemis sends a fucking BEAR
to NURSE HER AND RAISE HER AS ITS OWN
yeah
a BEAR
not a fucking stag
or a majestic goddamn stallion
or some rabbits or some bullshit
a motherfucking BEAR
so naturally Atalanta’s ass quickly becomes
the baddest in the land
and when she’s a little bit older
she starts charging through the woods
murdering all type of animals
eating their raw flesh
and she runs into some hunters
lead by this dude Meleager
and she is like sweet i found some dudes
let me go hunting with you guys
and the guys are like NO GIRLS ALLOWED
and meleager is like I WANNA BONE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
UM I MEAN
YOU CAN TOTALLY COME HUNTING WITH US
so she does
but RIGHT AWAY
some fucking centaurs show up like
did someone call for the rape patrol
thats us
we are the rape patrol
we are going to rape you Atalanta
and atalanta is like hey guys let me tell you a secret
I WAS RAISED BY MOTHERFUCKING BEARS
and she rips them in half
and goes right on hunting
and actually
she is the first person to shoot an arrow into the boar they are hunting
she is definitely the MVP of the boar hunt
so Meleager is like well done
here you can have this boar pelt as a reward
and Meleager’s uncles are like boy you are so fucking whipped
so meleager kills them both
which in turn pisses off Meleager’s mom
so she throws a log in her fire
and when the log is done burning Meleager dies
dont ask me how that works
so basically Atalanta walks away from a smoldering pile
of blood and intestines and fire
with a fresh dripping boar pelt
and never speaks to any of those people ever again
partially because they are dead
partially because atalanta does not give a FUCK
at this point her dad finds her again
probably because he is curious
about why half of the people and animals in his kingdom
died all of a sudden
and is like holy shit
my daughter is the ultimate man
alright atalanta you can come back to the castle
you have killed enough people now
that i can pretend you are the son i never had
and atalanta is like sure
even though this is the guy who abandoned her to BEARS
because of her conspicuous lack of a dick
but there’s a problem
which is that now that atalanta is a princess
Schoeneus wants her to get married
atalanta has no use for a husband
except maybe as like
a spear
to kill boars with
so she comes up with a crafty plan
never to get married ever
basically what it is is that
anyone who wants to marry her
has to beat her in a race
and if they lose she gets to kill them
atalanta really loves murder
for some reason this does not stop dudes from trying to marry her
so atalanta is winning races left and right
stabbing poor horny dudes in the chest and ripping out their faces
until this one dude
named Melanion
is like man
i really wanna hit that
but i do not want to get my face ripped out
hey aphrodite
help me have sex with this girl
and aphrodite is like sure why not
and she gives Melanion 3 golden apples
and melanion is like what the fuck
what is it with you guys and golden apples
eris chucked a golden apple into that party that one time
and then there’s the golden apples of the hesperides
and now i ask you to help me get my rocks off
you’re giving me 3 golden apples
what the fuck
how does that even help
and aphrodite is like chill out dude
if there is one thing i know about women
it is that they are irresistably attracted to shiny objects
just throw one of these at her every time she gets ahead
and either it will knock her out
or she will stop to pick it up
win win
so melanion does that
and he wins the race
and atalanta is like fuck dude
i dont know if these three inedible apples
were worth my virginity
oh well
and she just embarks on an all out sextravaganza
with her new husband
just boning up and down and to the right
also to the left
also inside of zeus’ temple
the myth mentions at this point
that atalanta has huge tits by the way
anyway zeus gets really pissed
because only he is supposed to get laid in his temple
and is like you know what
you guys are getting turned into LIONS
RAAAAAA
because in ancient greece at this time
they had not yet invented animal biology
and they all thought that lions could only fuck leopards
not other lions
so zeus is like ha ha take that
and then atalanta and melanion probably figured out that
holy shit wait
lions CAN fuck other lions
and lived happily ever after
killing animals and raping each other
so the moral of the story is
if you are a god
and you are about to punish some motherfuckers
do your homework

The end

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Incest theater

So there’s this chick Myrrha

she really
really
really wants to bang her dad Cinryas
who is also the king
she wants this because aphrodite makes her want it
because aphrodite is totally pissed at the queen
Cenchreis
for saying that her daughter is hotter than aphrodite
so anyway all myrrha can think about
is her dad’s meatpole
now obviously this is a problem
because her dad
is married to her mom
also incest is bad
so she takes the only sensible option
and tries to hang herself
only she does a pretty shitty job
cause her nurse finds her
and is like whoa now
i would be a pretty shitty nurse
if you killed yourself
whats up
and myrrha is like
man i dunno
i’m just pretty bummed
about all these laws
against like
incest
and adultery
and her nurse is like pish posh
you can totally fuck your dad
all you need is a little elbow grease
and like maybe some other kinds of grease
so they wait until myrrha’s mom is out of town
with all the other married women
at some kind of demeter festival
and then the nurse goes hey king
i know this chick
who is totally down for some sex
and the king is like
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
my wife has been gone only fifteen minutes
but i am already starting to feel the burn
so that night
they turn down all the lights real low
and the king is super drunk
and myrrha goes and fucks the shit out of him
its great
they love it
they love it so much they do it for like
a week
and then one night myrrha fucks up i guess
like maybe she yells give it to me daddy
or thats right fuck me like you would fuck your daughter
or oh baby we are committing so much incest right now
and the king gets suspicious
and the next night he brings in a lamp
and is like holy balls
you are not just some hot young thing
with father issues
you are actually my daughter
what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
so he responds logically to this situation
and he gets his sword
and just starts chasing myrrha all over the place
and myrrha is like shit shit shit
what do i do
where do i go
hey gods
how about you help me out
by turning me into something
that is not living
and is also not dead
because i’m pretty sure nobody who has ever lived
or died
is going to sympathize with my repeated incest
and the gods are like sure why not
here
you are a tree now
specifically a myrrh tree
because your name is myrrha
so have fun with that
but there is a TWIST
because myrrha is totally preggers
and like a few months later
her tree cracks open
and this dude adonis steps out
only instead of having like
eight heads
or eleven toes
or like some kind of hilarious speech impediment
what adonis has is the sexiest body this side of the black sea
i am not fucking joking
this shit is on fire
tiny woodland animals look upon his glistening pecs
and burst into flame guys
in fact he is so fucking hot
aphrodite is out going about her business
of fucking a bunch of dudes
and is like WHOA
that’s one dude i’d like to fuck
no matter that i happen to know for a fact
that he is an incest baby
and also you know
a baby
ok heres what ill do
ill just put him in a chest
and let him grow up a bit
and to keep him safe
i know
i will give him to the queen of hell
persephone
great plan
high fives all around
only the problem is
persephone also kind of really wants to bone baby adonis
and so when the time comes
and aphrodite is like hey i need my kidnapped man back
persephone is like no bitch hes mine
and aphrodite is like ZEUUUUUSSSSS
make persephone give me my sex slave back
and zeus is like man
i dont even want to deal with this
i am laying down dick like railroad track right now
i have a one way ticket on the transcontinental railroad
next stop
boner city
how about you guys take it up with Calliope
she’s a muse i bet she totally knows what to do
only Calliope is kind of just like shit man
i dont know
this is not my area of expertise
i am the muse of singing
what the fuck
how about you each get adonis for half of the year
and aphrodite is like
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
how about I make all the women in Thrace kill your depressed son
you know
Orpheus
so yeah that’s how Orpheus gets killed
but i’m pretty sure that the decision stands
so adonis spends half the year romping around
fucking aphrodite
probably getting a million STDs
and totally loving it
despite the fact that she locked him in a chest in hell for like
all of his formative years
but anyway aphrodite really likes this kid
and is like hey dude
let me give you some hunting advice
only kill animals
that are too weak to kill you back
and adonis is like durr ok
and goes off into the forest
and immediately tries killing
a WILD FUCKING BOAR
maybe that is where the inbreeding finally came into play
anyway obviously the boar kills him
just rips him to pieces
and aphrodite shows up when she hears him like
bleeding and dying all over the place
and is like aww man
dammit
and then adonis dies
and aphrodite gives birth to their daughter
named Beroe
who gets play from both dionysis
AND poseidon
so the moral of the story is
you should totally try incest at least once
because for every ten mutated squidbabies
you get one adonis
shoot for the stars

The end

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Another story about cows

Right ok

so recently you may have noticed
i have been talking alot about norse dudes
and like
the truly mindblowing proportions of their testicles
norse gods are pretty sweet
i cannot lie
but like
i kind of started to miss telling stories about people fucking animals
GREEK MYTHS IT IS
so there’s this chick Io right
she’s pretty hot
probably
or at least
she is a woman
who is on zeus’s list
of women he has not banged yet
which really at this point
probably fits on the back of like one of those comics
that you get out of a pack of bazooka joe bubblegum
so he is going down the list like HM
WHERE WILL I HIDE MY PENIS THIS FINE DAY
OH I KNOW
IO
but of course
he has to be REEEEEALY crafty
because otherwise
his WIFE might find out
so what he does
is he turns into a storm cloud
located directly on top of Io
and proceeds to rape the bajeezus our of her
meanwhile hera is like
hm
where could my husband be
couldn’t possibly be anywhere near that thundercloud
you know
the one that is absurdly close to the ground
and making rape sounds
AGH
ZEUS
and zeus looks up and is like what
and hera is like are you raping again
and zeus is like why would i do that
that doesnt sound like something i would do
i was just pranking this cow over here
and he turns Io into a cow
so in the space of probably like ten minutes
see i am not giving zeus a lot of sexual credit here
since he is essentially the captain of the varsity rape team
anyway in the space of like ten minutes
io has gotten surprise sexed
and then turned into a COW
and then it gets worse
because hera is not a fucking idiot
so she is like oh wow what a beautiful cow
i have always wanted a cow
for our anniversary
which is today by the way
i just decided
so hey zeus
give me that cow or no sex
and zeus is like aww
how did you know my only weakness
here take the cow
so hera takes Io
and then is like haha bitch
i’ll teach you to get raped by my husband
i’m going to tie you you on a tree
in the middle of a field
guarded by some motherfucker with a hundred eyes
named argus panoptes
and io is like MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so zeus is watching all of this
well like
half-watching
half scanning his list of other mortal women to bone
and he gets a rare pang of guilt
so he calls up his homie hermes
and is like ey
i need you to murder a hundred-eyed monster for me
and hermes is like sure
why the fuck not
and he goes to where Io is
and he literally bores that fucker all the way to death
like he just stands there telling boring stories
like about what he did on summer vacation
and singing lullabies
until all of the dude’s eyes fall asleep
and then he cuts off its head
just to be safe
and unties Io
but again
this plan is not very subtle
and hera sees what is going on
and is like you know what fine
have your freedom Io
go nuts
and she sends a gadfly to just continually bite her forever
so Io goes nuts
and swims from the black sea to the sea of maramara
through the strait of bosphorus
and meets prometheus
still up on his rock
and before hercules kills the vulture too
so hes pretty miserable
and he is like damn girl
you are a cow what is up with that
but dont worry though
you’ll stop being a cow eventually
and you will be one of the ancestors
of this dude hercules
who will show up and kill this fucking bird
that is eating my organs
so great news for both of us
and Io feels a lot better
and she goes to egypt
and zeus suddenly realizes
whoa whoa whoa
if i dont make Io human again
how will she give birth to my bastard children
i dont want any cowbabies
no sir
so sure enough he makes her human
and she pops out two kids for him
epaphus and keroessa
and then she marries this egyptian king telegonus
hehe gonus
and basically she just lives happily ever after
so the moral of the story is
getting raped is never fun
but sometimes you swim to egypt and become queen

the end

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I told you that story so i could tell you this one

Ok so check it

this one day thor is sitting around in asgard
and he is really fucking bored
and is like hey guys
wanna go kill some giants?
and his servant Thialfi is like
SHIT YEAH MOTHAFUCKAAAAAA
and then thor is like hey loki
do you want to come fuck with some some giants
cause like
we have both totally forgotten
about how you shaved my wife’s head
and then how afterwards
i knocked you out with a hammer
so that dwarves could sew your mouth shut

and loki is like sure ok
so these three dudes go to jotunheim
which is the dimension where all the giants live
and they just kind of pick a direction
and start walking
because like
if you are in the dimension where all the giants live
it is not going to be very hard to find giants
you are not going to need things like
a map
or infared goggles
or like some kind of a compass
that uses giants for magnets
but what you are going to need
and what thor totally forgets to bring
is something to sleep in during the night
because jotunheim is ass cold all the time
but luckily though when it gets dark they find a cave
and they go in and go to sleep
but they dont sleep for very long
because there is a fucking EARTHQUAKE
so thialfi and loki are like shit shit shit
and thor is like awesome
i love earthquakes
because normal stationary rocks are NOT HARDCORE ENOUGH
so you pussies can go hide in the cave
i am going to stand at the mouth of the cave
holding my hammer
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
in case i need to beat the shit out of some boulders or something
so loki and thialfi go hide
in this adjoining chamber in the cave
meanwhile thor just stands in the mouth of the cave
just WAITING for some boulders to get uppity
but nothing happens until the next morning
when all three dudes come out of the cave
and find this fucking MASSIVE giant out there
this giant is SO massive
that thor is actually afraid to use his hammer on it
yeah
THOR
THOR is afraid to use his hammer
the guy who was just talking shit to an EARTHQUAKE
is afraid to use his hammer on this dude
so instead he decides to actually try like
talking to someone instead of instantly killing them
and is like dude sup
what is your name
and the giant says oh hey man
my name is Skrymir
you must be thor
i heard you yelling GET SOME at some rocks last night
by the way
what the fuck were you guys doing in my glove?
see it turns out what they thought was a cave
is actually this motherfucker’s glove
and the chamber where loki and thialfi hid
is the thumb
so they all feel pretty retarded
but they get over it in the traditional way
which is to make breakfast
and then skrymir is like hey how about
i carry all your food along with mine
and he does it
and then the gods spend basically the whole day
trying to keep up with his giant strides
but they manage it
and they make camp for the night
this time not in a glove
and skrymir is like you guys can make dinner
im going to bed
so he goes to sleep
and thor tries to open the bag with all the food in it
but that asshole skrymir has apparently tied the bag so hard
that thor cannot open it
so everyone is really fucking hungry
when skrymir starts SNORING
he snores so fucking loud
it drives thor into a murderous rage
although really
it does not take a whole lot to induce a murderous rage in thor
so anyway thor grabs his hammer
and hits skrymir on the head as hard as he can
and skrymir wakes up and is like oh hey guys
did a leaf just fall on my head or something
and thor is like NO
ASSHOLE
and skrymir is like oh ok
well have you eaten yet?
are you ready to go to sleep?
and thor is like WE WERE JUST GOING TO GO TO SLEEP.
and then he stomps over to his bed and he lies down
and skrymir starts snoring again
and thor gets DOUBLE-PISSED
and he grabs his hammer
and he hits Skrymir EVEN HARDER
so hard that it actually makes a dent in the giant’s head
and skrymir wakes up and is like whoa hey
are there like
some birds up in that tree
dislodging some like
very soft moss
that might have fallen on my head or something
and thor is like NO NOTHING HAPPENED
I WAS JUST GETTING A CUP OF WATER
GO BACK TO SLEEP
and he decides that if he has to hit skrymir again
he is going to fucking shatter his brain
sure enough
skrymir starts his magical snoring adventure all over again
and thor is like ok thats it
get ready to die
and he hits skrymir SO HARD
that he buries the hammer in his skull UP TO THE HANDLE
that is like brain damage city right there
next stop concussion island
but skrymir just wakes up like OH SHIT
DID AN ACORN JUST FALL ON MY HEAD OR SOMETHING
by this point its like 6AM
and no one except skrymir has had any sleep at all
and also no one got any dinner
but thor is not willing to admit either of those things
so they all start walking again
and skrymir is like ok guys so
if you want to see like a whole ton of giants
you should check out this castle over here
its called utgard
and it is full of huge motherfuckers like me
so my suggestion is when you go there
dont start a pissing contest with these dudes
because they have balls bigger than your house
and they will fucking drown you in urine
anyway i gotta go now
have fun
so thor and loki and thialfi all go to this castle
and they walk in
and they see the king sitting in his fucking gigantic throne
the king’s name is Utgard-Loki
no relation to regular loki
except that he’s a huge prick
thor is super respectful to him
and in exchange Utgard-Loki is just like
did someone order some pathetic quivering vaginas
oh wait thats not a vagina thats Thor
hey thor whats up
i thought you were a vagina for a second there
because you look so fucking weak
but hey
i’m willing to concede that you guys are not tremendous pussies
but only if you impress me with some kind of mad skill
guys what are you all good at
and so loki is like well i can eat really fast
so Utgard-loki is like well ok
how about you have a foodrace with this dude logi
yeah i know his name is a lot like your name
and also that my name is a lot like your name
look dude just go with it
so logi and loki
stand on opposite ends of a trough
FULL OF MEAT
and they chow the fuck down
until they meet in the middle
exactly in the middle
so loki is like awesome
a tie
but then he looks
and not only has logi eaten all the meat
hes also eaten all the bones
and also the trough
so you know
thats pretty demoralizing
next thialfi is like well hm
im a really fucking fast runner
and utgard-loki is like ok
race this guy hugi
and hugi is just so much ridiculously faster than thialfi
by the time thialfi has run like ten feet
hugi has won the race
and then run back to the starting line
and in between
probably fucked thialfi’s dad or something
so then utgard-loki is like ok thor
you have some pretty shitty friends
i hope you suck less than them
what are you good at
and thor says i am the best at getting drunk
so utgard-loki is like ok here
and he gives him a drinking horn
the manliest of all drinking vessels
and is like ok
if you are a good drinker you will down this in one try
two is the average
and even the biggest pansy in the castle can do it in 3
so thor looks at the horn
its pretty big
but thor is like world champion of alcoholism
so hes like psh no problem
and he starts chugging
and he chugs for prolly like
a solid hour
and then looks into the horn
and it’s hardly gone down at all
so he tries again
just suckin that shit down
but when he looks theres still a whole ton of wine
so he tries a THIRD time
and just keeps right on failing
so utgard-loki is like damn thor
how does it feel living life without testicles
i have never seen anything so pathetic
but hey maybe you’re better at lifting things
than you are at drinking things
here see if you can lift my cat
utgard-loki’s cat is pretty big
but not huge
so thor is like seriously guys
did you know that i can punch holes in dragons
what is this bullshit
and he walks over to the cat
and he strains and strains to pick it up
but that cat is apparently an expert at being obese
because thor only gets one of its paws off the ground
and utgard-loki is like careful there thor
if you suck any harder you might turn into a black hole or some shit
and thor is like oh yeah cockblanket?
well how about a wrestling match
i will tear your nuts off and sew them to your eyelids
and utgard-loki is like dude
you cant even lift my cat
im not gonna wrestle you
how about you wrestle my grandma instead
and thor is like bring it
i will beat her to death
i dont care how old she is
so utgard-loki sends in his grandma elli
and elli just fucking wrecks thor
like the more thor holds onto her
the less she moves
until she basically just triple body-slams him
puts him in a chokehold
and brutally tears off
what little is left of thor’s manhood and dignity
so thor goes to sleep feeling like shit
and so do loki and thialfi
but at least utgard-loki is nice enough to cook them breakfast
and then when they are leaving the city
and thor is all moping about how much he apparently sucks
utgard-loki is like hey dudes
let me tell you a secret
i totally pranked the shit out of all of you
see
skrymir was actually me
the first thing i did
was i put all your food in my bag
and then tied it with iron wire
so you couldn’t open it
then when you kept hitting my head
i used some tricky illusions
and made you beat the shit out of a nearby mountain instead
the dents are still there you should check it out
so then you guys got here
and i made loki have an eating contest with fire
and then thialfi had a footrace with thought
both of which were pretty fucking unfair
but funny as shit
then you started trying to prove yourself
and you nearly fucked up everything
everything in the entire world
see that horn i gave you
was directly connected
to the world’s oceans
do you realize you actually lowered the water level
dude do you realize how much water that was
we live in an iceworld
liquid water is a precious commodity
we need that shit back
anyway after that you tried to lift my cat
well guess what
my cat
was actually
THE MIDGARD SERPENT
THE SERPENT WHICH HOLDS UP THE EARTH
yeah and when you got one of the paws off the ground
you were actually stretching the shit out of the serpent
which is bad because like
as i just said
it holds up the earth
so that was almost a disaster
oh and elli was actually old age
so there’s that
basically i need you to get the fuck out of my city
and never come back
if you come back
i will be forced to prank you some more
and you will look like even more of a pussy than you are now
and it will not accomplish anything
so thor and loki and thialfi all go home
learning a valuable lesson
which is that if you fail at something
you probably actually succeeded
but then a giant evil wizard
made everyone think you failed

the end

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Thor gets a hammer

Hey

so I liked that last myth SO MUCH
i am going to talk about norse dudes again
remember i was saying how thor is pretty much
the baddest motherfucker
you will ever lay eyes on
in fact if you ever laid eyes on him
he would probably walk up to you
and DESTROY YOUR EYES WITH HIS HAMMER
oh yeah basically thor’s hammer is the best thing
it is called mjolnir
and it was made like so:
so one day Loki
who is the god of being a needless prick
all the time
to everybody
one day he just sneaks up on this chick Sif
and cuts off all of her hair
like some fucking frat prank
just shaves her head
for absolutely no reason
now the problem with this
other than that it is a pretty shitty prank
is that Sif
is Thor’s wife
and thor fucking loves hair i guess
because he gets SO ANGRY
he chases down loki and is like hey
how about I remove you FACE
and loki is like no dont do that
i need my face
to make infuriating smirks with
when my shitty pranks are successful
and thor is like ok well
how about i just break every bone in your body
and loki is like shit
shit man
i need those
for like
making sure my skin and organs do not collapse
here check it out
how about instead
i have the dwarves make your wife some new hair
it will be made of GOLD
it will grow like NORMAL HAIR
it will be AWESOME
and thor is like shit
sounds pretty sweet
go nuts
so loki goes to these dwarves
called the sons of ivaldi
and is like hey guys i kind of promised thor
that you would make his wife the ultimate toupee
and the dwarves are like sure no problem
do you want us to make it out of gold
or DOUBLE-GOLD
you see
we are dwarves
we REALLY FUCKING LIKE GOLD
hey by the way im sorry if im being racist
but that is how dwarves are ok
some of my best friends are dwarves
i can say this shit
anyway loki is like well you know
regular gold is fine
and the dwarves are like ok ok
well how about we also make you a boat
called Skiblandir
which can fit all your friends
and all your treasure
and always has wind in the sails
and can be folded up
and put in your pocket when not in use
and how about we also make a spear
wait wait
an UNSTOPPABLE SPEAR
for Odin
and loki is like shit guys
all we ever did for you guys
was make four of you hold up this skull we found forever
and the dwarves are like yeah but those dwarves got cool names right
so anyway the dwarves make these things
and loki brings them all to the gods
glues the hair back on thor’s wife and shit
and then he gets this great fucking idea
which is hey
why dont i go back to the dwarves
and bet them that they can’t make 3 more treasures
even better than these treasures they already made
FOR FREE
hm what can i bet them
oh I know
I’ll bet them MY HEAD
so he goes and finds this dwarf Brokk
like from pokemon
and he makes this retarded deal
especially retarded considering that the dwarves
do not have to wager
ANYTHING
so they take the deal
and brokk gets his brother Eiti
and they go to the forge
and brokk pulls out this bigass boar skin
and he is like hey eiti
what i need you to do
is constantly operate that bellows over there
this is completely crucial
i cannot successfully fuck around with this boarskin
unless you are constantly manning that bellows
so eiti is like sure
and starts doin it
and time passes
and a bigass fly lands on his hand
and stings the shit out of it
but eiti does not care
he is going crazy with that bellows
and brokk makes what he was trying to make
he brings it to loki and is like
ok listen
we all love boars
but what would make a boar even better?
i’ll tell you what
GOLD
GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER
I AM A DWARF
I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD
ok look guys i am just telling the story
it is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past ok
i forget what the term for that is but dont do it
anyway they still need to make two more things
so Brokk decides to cut out the middle man
and just put some gold directly on his forge
and is like hey eiti
remember what you did with the boar
I want you to do that
just do exactly that
again
it is crucial
so eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold
the same fucking fly shows up
only it lands on his NECK
and it bites him
it bites him SO HARD
this bite is harder than a furry at a petting zoo
is what i am saying
but eiti just toughs it out
and keeps on pumpin’
and brokk finishes the thing he was making
and brings it out to loki
and is like hey check it
this is a gold ring
i call it draupnir
but see the thing is
this is just one fucking gold ring
do you think that is enough gold
i dont think that is enough gold
so what i made it do is every ninth night
it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS
there will be SO MANY RINGS
i can melt them down
for their gold
and use them to make more rings
that drop out more rings
loki do you realize
i have created infinite gold
infinigold
this is the dream of every dwarf
because we love gold so much
did you know we invented rings so we could fuck gold
ok ok hold on guys
if you have any dwarf friends
maybe you should just have them like
not read this myth
if they have read this far it is too late
we’re pretty much done with the gold part
and you have lost a friend
anyway now its time to make one more thing
and so brokk gets a bigass chunk of iron
and puts it on his forge
and looks at eiti and is like
you know what to do man
so eiti starts pumping that bellows
and he keeps doing that
and then this SAME
FUCKING
FLY
comes BACK
and lands on his FACE
and bites his EYELIDS
his EYELIDS
what kind of a vindictive asshole fly is this
holy shit
but you know what
eiti is such a badass
he just keeps on pumping
until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted
trickles down into his eye
and he takes one hand off the bellows
to wipe the blood out of his eye
and the bellows stops and everything is ruined
and brokk is like BITCH
i do not give a SHIT if you are screaming covered in blood and flies
you fucked up the hammer you asshole
because thats what he’s making is a hammer
its called mjolnir
and brokk is like fucking cockberries
i guess maybe i wont get loki’s head after all
well anyway lets go see what the gods think
and he bundles up all the shit and goes to asgard
and in asgard all the gods are like
HOLY DAMN
THIS SHIT IS AWESOME
YOU MADE A RING
THAT SHITS RINGS
THAT IS LIKE MAKING A BEAR THAT SHITS OTHER BEARS
BUT EXCEPT INSTEAD
IT SHITS AWESOME
DIRECTLY INTO OUR HANDS
oh also the boar is pretty nice
it could use more gold maybe
and then thor is like check out this hammer
it is so sweet it fucking hits anything i throw it at
no matter how far away that shit is
and then it always comes back to my hand
i mean the handle is a little bit short
but that is really the only problem with it
and guys
guys
do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
i’m gonna kill so many frost giants guys
this is the best norse christmas ever
and brokk is like damn right
looks like i won the bet loki
i need your head now
I am going to dip it in gold and then probably fuck it
thats what i do
because im a dwarf
ok look i lied when i said the gold part was over
if you had your dwarf friends just keep reading
because you thought there was gonna be no more stuff about gold
and dwarves fucking it
then i am really sorry man
but you need taller friends
so like anyway they get loki
and loki is like shit shit
why do my actions have consequences suddenly
and he just starts running
as fast as he can
he has shoes that can like
walk on water
AND air
making him like
double-jesus
but like i just said
thor has a hammer that can hit anything
all the time
and so he just kind of knocks loki out and brings him back
and brokk is like haha say goodbye to your skull bitch
and loki is like WAIT
you can have my head
thats fine
but i never promised you the neck it rests on
so you cant cut it off
HAH
and instead of just deciding to cut off loki’s head REEEEALY carefully
brokk is like fine
and just sews loki’s mouth shut
with an awl
which is a like bigass metal spike
and so loki can’t talk
which is probably the best thing for everybody
since all he does when he can talk is make shitty bets
so what we have learned today
is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends
no matter how short they are
or how bad they smell
or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings
and licking their lips
god i fucking hate dwarves

The end

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The Norse are fucking brutal

Alright so

you already know two ways the world might have been created
the mayan way and the greek way
and probably i guess you could make the argument
that you know the roman way too
because the romans are fucking copycatters
and maybe you have listened to some scientists
or some creation scientists
and you know one or two other ways
listen
I want you to forget everything you know about creation myths
because this myth
is going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM PURE WONDERMENT
and if you do not have a dick
it is going to SEW ONE ON
and then BLOW IT RIGHT THE FUCK OFF
you wanna know why?
because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME
SHIT
YEAH
so to start out the world is already pretty badass
it is just two things:
one is a sea of pure all-devouring fire
called Muspell
guarded by a dude named Surt who is just waiting
WAITING
to ride out and murder all the gods
and then set the world on fire
by comparison the other half of the world is pretty lame
it is just a whole bunch of ice called Niflheim
no dudes in it or anything
just a bunch of glacial bullshit
and in between muspell and niflheim
there is a bigass trench
called Ginnungagap
which is just the most fun fucking thing to say
go ahead and say that five times fast
i gotta hand it to these norse dudes
they know how to name shit
without making every other letter an X
or a ptl
wait thats not even a letter
that is like the sound a baby makes when it throws up
fucking mayans
anyway in this worthless empty hole
called ginnungagap
is where shit starts to get real
because the cold from niflheim
bumps up against the heat from Muspell
and causes a bunch of vapor to condense
in ginnungagap
to create a frost giant
in ginnungagap
dude’s name is Ymir
and actually he is more of an ogre than a giant
and he is actually more of a fucking pansy than an ogre
because what is the first thing this guy does
but go to sleep
right there
in ginnungagap
sweating like a motherfucker
he sweats so hard
that a man and a woman grow out of his armpit
and then he sweats EVEN HARDER
causing his legs to fuck each other
and have a baby
so then this cow shows up
Audhumla
and starts shooting milk everywhere
literally four rivers worth of milk
and Ymir drinks all of it
cause there’s pretty much no one else to drink it
other than his legbaby
so then the cow gets bored
and starts licking ice
because apparently this ice is salty
and all of this licking
melts away enough ice
to form the shape of a dude
or maybe it is just the dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit
ymir has mastered the art of being a neglectful father
anyway this guy’s name is Bor
he marries Bestla, the daughter of some giant
maybe the daughter of Ymir
who knows
Bor is quite a catch because he is super handsome and tall
but like
it doesn’t really matter
since i’m pretty sure Bor and Bestla
are like the only people who exist at this point
so they have three kids
Odin
Vili
and Vé
really the only one anyone gives a shit about is Odin
he is the ruler of all things essentially
and he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir
who is probably still asleep
and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered
although some versions say ymir became too evil
and had to be destroyed
but they are not really clear what that means
maybe he was just snoring REALLY LOUD
and pissing Odin off
anyway they kill him
and the resulting torrent of blood drowns all the frost giants
except for one
who escapes with his wife in a hollowed out tree
nice genocide Odin
what are you going to do next
further desecrate your grandfather’s body by tearing him apart
and using his limbs as decoration
for a universe you and your brothers are building?
yes
this is exactly what they do
i mean you gotta give them credit
they use pretty much every part of this dude
like not only do they make his blood into lakes and oceans
and his bones into mountains
and skin into earth
and his teeth into tiny rocks
but they use his skull to make the sky
here is a word to the wise guys
skulls are not meant to be used as the sky
this is such a shitty idea that they have to get some like
cheap slave labor to make it work
so they go over to Ymir’s corpse
which is pretty fucking gross at this point
crawling with maggots
and they are like hey maggots
wanna be a sentient humanoid species?
and the maggots are like sure
so they turn into dwarves
and odin is like great awesome
how about you repay us by holding up this skull we found
we wanted to make it into the sky
but see skulls are not really for that
so we need one of you to hold up each corner
we will even name you guys north south east and west
it will be awesome
and the dwarves are like fuck fine
but listen
guys
just because they have already used ymir’s skull
and skin and bones and teeth and blood
does not mean they are finished defiling his corpse
because the next thing they do
is they chuck his brains into the air
and they become CLOUDS
yes
did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor
WRONG ASSHOLE
BRAINS
BRAAAAAAAAINS
ok but then they settle down a little bit
and just make the stars out of all the sparks coming out of Muspell
and give all the land along the coast to the giants
i guess to say sorry for fucking ymir to death
and drowning most of the giants in the process
but the giants are still pissed
and Bor realizes oh shit
gotta protect myself from these giants
oh oh
i know
i’ll build myself a fort
but what will i build it out of
oh i know
EYEBROWS
YMIR’S
FUCKING
EYEBROWS
the fort he builds becomes a safe haven
for all the humans
called Midgard
oh also they drag ymir’s corpse over the gap
you know the one i’m talking about
ginnungagap
and Odin makes a place called asgard
using surpsingly few of Ymir’s body parts
and he lives there with his wife
her name is Frigg
and is apparently super-faithful to her
and fathers all the other gods
the first one he fathers is named thor
and i can already tell i am going to be talking alot about this dude
he is the son of odin and also the earth
the earth being both odin’s daughter
and his wife
oh also there is a tree at the center of the universe
called Yggdrassil
it has its roots in all the worlds
Muspell and niflheim
nflhel (which is just a fancy way of saying hell)
midgard (the eyebrow place)
jotunheim (where all the giants live)
also asgard
and this place called vanirheim
which is basically like one of the alternate universes
from like justice league unlimited
with like an evil spiderman and a cherry flavored batman or some shit
only instead of being the opposite of the asgard gods
(called the Aesir)
the Vanir in vanirheim are actually just way less depressing
than the aesir
and because of that
the two groups are CONSTANTLY at war
but eventually they make peace
and some of them actually join the aesir
which again
is just like justice league unlimited
and basically that is how the world gets made
proving once again
that your grandchildren are going to grow up and murder you
and also clouds are made of brains

The end

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The moment you have all been waiting for

This is gonna take a while

So there is this dude Hercules
some people call him Heracles
but for some reason that reminds me of testicles
and i do not want to be thinking about balls for this whole myth
so hercules is the result of one of Zeus’s many
many
many
affairs
this one is with a chick name Alcmene
he pranked her into sleeping with him by disguising himself
AS HER HUSBAND
but this affair has a twist
because see when hercules is born
zeus steals him
and takes him up to olympus
and while his wife is asleep
he puts hercules on her tits
and he drinks her milk and becomes immortal
bam
why does zeus not do this with all of his fucking kids

anyway hera wakes up and her tits hurt and she is like
what did you do zeus
have you been honking my tits while i am asleep
AGAIN
and zeus says no i just wanted my latest bastard child to be immortal
and hera says WHAT
I AM SO ANGRY I AM GOING TO MURDER THIS KID
and she sends a whole bunch of snakes to kill hercules in his crib
keep in mind he is a baby at this point
an immortal baby
being attacked by snakes
and the snakes do not even get a chance to fail to kill him
because he strangles them to death
pretty much without even trying
and then i guess at this point Hera realizes
oh right that’s what immortal means
it means i can’t kill him
okay well i guess what i should do then
is kill everyone he loves
(this is a pretty common strategy for Hera)

so she waits until hercules grows up
and gets frustrated with his math tutor
and breaks they guy’s face off in rage
and gets kicked out of his house
and sent very far away
and gets like
a wife named Megara
and some kids
and she makes him TRIP BALLS
so that he thinks that instead of a family
his house is full of HORRIBLE BEASTS
and so he murders all of the beasts
but it is a prank
the beasts are actually his family

so hercules feels pretty bad about this
and is like holy shit hera
how long are you going to hold a fucking grudge
i touched your tits with my mouth ONE TIME
when i was like A WEEK OLD
and anyway zeus made me do it
he said it wasn’t rape if you were asleep
so come on when are you going to lay off
and hera says well i guess i will leave you alone
as soon as you perform TEN LABORS FOR THIS KING I LIKE
his name is Eurystheus by the way
also i am going to interfere with you in every way possible
so hercules says ok
and he goes to Mycenae and meets this king Eurystheus
who is a massive prick
just this huge cowardly fuck parade
who demands valuable animals from all over the goddamn world
so let’s review
tit-grabbin badass who can murder snakes with his little baby sausage fingers
thumbs down
quivering mangina with a name like a congeital penis deformity
TWO THUMBS WAYYY UP
so hercules does some labors:

first he has to go kill this lion
called the nemean lion
it is just like any other lion
except that it is invulnerable
hercules is all shooting arrows at it
and those arrows want nothing at all to do with killing that lion
so hercules says fuck it you know what
how about i just beat it to death
with my club
and he tries that but the club is like
noooo wayyyy
so plan C is
strangle the lion to death
and that is what he does
he just biceps that fucker into oblivion
and then he is like well i sure do like this hide
i want to wear it as a cape
too bad it is fucking INVINCIBLE FUR
but then he has a great idea
and he uses the lion’s own claws
to skin itself
because he did not embarass it enough by choking it to death
so then he goes back to Eurystheus
and tosses the lion head into the throne room like sup
which scares six flavors of shit out of the king
and at that point eurystheus actually is so freaked out
he orders some dudes to build him a bronze pot
partially buried in the ground
specifically for him to hide inside whenever hercules shows up
now see if I was a king
and i had the favor of hera and everything
and i was such an all-gobbling pussy that I needed to hide from a guy
who was PLEDGED TO THE GODS TO SERVE ME
i would build myself like
one of those bookcases
that swivel around like from scooby doo
not something that one of my servants might accidentally shit in
anyway that was the first labor

so then Eurystheus gets through shitting himself
and jumps out of his vase and is like hey
hercules
heres one
why don’t you go kill the hydra
it shouldn’t be too hard
its only a massive poisonous swamp dinosaur with nine heads
and hey i mean
out of those nine heads
only maybe one of them is immortal
that is like
less than ten percent of the heads
you should be fine
so hercules gets his nephew Iolaus to drive him there
and they go and find the hydra’s cave
and shoot fire at it until it comes out to eat them
so hercules grabs it by the throat
and the hydra grabs him right the fuck back
and also there is a giant crab
but that’s really not a big deal
hercules basically just crushes to death
in between yawning and scratching his ass
and then starts beating all the heads to a pulp
i mean okay picture this
hercules uses a club as his primary weapon
with this club he is managing
to REMOVE THE HYDRA’S HEADS
AT THE SHOULDERS
this is pretty impressive but it doesn’t change the fact
that every time hercules beats off a head
hehe beats off
two more grow from the stump
so this thing has like 50 goddamn heads
by the time hercules has the idea
to have his nephew set fire to the bleeding stumps
after he rips the necks off
and this actually prevents new heads from growing
so they spend like 8 hours just doing this
not very exciting at this point
because once you figure out the pattern
the end boss is really pretty fucking trivial
so they get it down to one head
and then realize oh thats right
this one is immortal
but this does not stop hercules from cutting off this head
and then burying it under a huge rock forever
basically proving that having an immortal head
and a totally mortal body
is actually worse than just being entirely mortal
then he cuts open the hydra’s body
and dips all his arrows in its blood
because the blood is incredibly poisonous
and goes back to Eurystheus
who is again hiding in his fucking chamberpot
but he gets his balls up enough
to tell hercules that killing the hydra
totally doesnt count as one of the labors
because his nephew helped out
but nobody gives a shit
because hercules killed a nine-headed immortal death-lizard
and anyway every time he flexes
like fourteen kids have epileptic siezures
from the sunlight glittering off his ripped pecs
Labor 2:
FUCKING COMPLETED

so eurystheus at this point figures out that if he asks hercules to kill anything
ANYTHING
he is going to kill it
and then he is going to bring back some part of that body
and it is going to be too big to remove from the castle
and it is going to rot
and eventually the castle is going to smell like the inside of an ass
so he is like shit
i need to think of a task that does not involve killing
and is impossible
oh i know
hey hercules go bring me the hind of Ceryneia
(its just some fucking deer that happens to live like 50 miles away)
oh by the way hercules you cant kill it
because it belongs to Diana
the goddess of hunting
and the moon
and no sex
and ripping the dicks off guys who kill her deer
have fun asshole
so hercules goes to Ceryneia
and finds this deer
and starts chasing it
and the deer starts running
and hercules keeps chasing
and the deer keeps running
FOR A FUCKING YEAR
nonstop
like hercules is snatching up little woodland animals
and apples and shit to eat
and pissing on the run
and drinking rainwater
and also the freely flowing tears of this hind
which is being forced to run nonstop for 365 days
i dont know if he did that i made that up
i dont even think deer can cry
but anyway it is the kind of thing hercules would do
so after a year
the hind gets tired
and so does hercules surprisingly
and they are chilling out on this mountain
and then the hind makes a break for a river
and for SOME REASON
this is the ONE RIVER
that will somehow magically allow the hind to escape
so hercules just goes you know what
fuck it
and shoots the deer with an arrow
not one of the poisoned ones just a regular arrow
and the deer just falls the fuck down
and hercules picks it up
and starts walking the 50 miles back to Mycenae
but then he stops walking
because right in front of him is diana
also apollo
they are like sup hercules
and hercules is like shit shit shit
hera is already pissed at me
what am i gonna do about these guys
diana is like hey there buddy
what are you doing with that deer
and hercules is like uhhhh
taking it to eurystheus in order to atone for brutally killing my family so hera won’t make me hallucinate and murder people anymore?
and diana says well i appreciate your honesty
here let me just heal the deer and then you can totally have it
this is coming from a chick
who fed a man to his own dogs
for SEEING HER NAKED
there is clearly a double standard here
in favor of men with imposing chins and washboard abs
labor 3 done apparently

so Eurystheus does some thinking
like hmm
if i tell him to kill an animal he does it
and if I tell him not to kill an animal
he also can do that
but at least with the second option
i do not have dead bodies in my house
so lets try that again
and he tells hercules to bring him this boar
living on a mountain called Erymanthus
he actually had kind of a good reason for asking hercules to do this
cause every day around lunchtime
the boar would come charging down the mountain
and just skullfuck the countryside with its tusks
running straight through houses and shit
salting the fields
deflouring the women
basically the boar is no big deal for hercules
he shows up and just pretty much yells at it a lot
and scares it so bad it runs into some snow and gets stuck and he puts it in a net
the REAL story is what he does on the way to get the boar
which is he goes and hits up his centaur homie Pholus
and they are sitting in Pholus’ tent eating dinner
and hercules is like dude let’s get wasted
and pholus is like i dunno man i only have this one jug of wine
and it is for everybody
i mean like seriously
all the centaurs
and hercules is like whatever man
and starts getting his drink on
the other centaurs smell the wine
and get understandably pissed off
and bust into the tent armed with rocks and TREES
ENTIRE FUCKING TREES
IT IS HARD TO UP THE ANTE IN THIS SITUATION
BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY ALL-IN
YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE SET THE TREES ON FIRE
so hercules sets them on fire
by throwing burning wood from the fireplace at them
and then starts going to town on them with his club
then he busts out of the tent and sees a whole bunch more angry centaurs
he responds to this in the only way he knows how
with incredibly poisonous arrows
he kills a bunch of dudes
and chases the rest for about TWENTY MILES
not exaggerating
TWENTY
meanwhile Pholus is back in camp
looking around at everyone he has known all his life
dead because his buddy wanted some free booze
and he sees this little arrow in one of the centaurs’ sides
and is like what
come on
this is a pansy-ass fucking arrow
how did this kill this guy
and he takes out the arrow
and touches it
like a dumbass
and the hydra poison kills him instantly
so hercules gets back to camp
and everybody is dead
and he’s like welp
guess they won’t be needing this wine after all
and then buries pholus
and leaves everyone else to rot and goes to get the boar
proving that the stronger you are
the drunker you can get
for free
also rules do not apply to you
murder is okay
anyway the boar freaks Eurystheus the fuck out
im telling you
it is shit city in his royal robes
it is a good thing he hides in a jar
because that jar is swimming in his waste at this point
i mean hercules just waltzes in
covered in centaur blood dragging a boar
like 4th labor: ACCOMPLISHED
what now bitch

so Eurystheus pokes his head out the top of the vase
like is the boar gone yet
you should get rid of that boar
and hercules is like shit son it just got here
you gonna have me just bring animals here
and then chuck them out the fucking window
why dont you have me do something useful
like punch a baby so hard it turns into a wizard or something
and eurystheus says i have a better idea
your main asset is your huge muscles
so how about i play to your strengths
and have you clean up after some motherfucking COWS
hercules says what did you just say
eurystheus says you heard me you schwarzenegger-looking son of a bitch
some COWS
TEN THOUSAND COWS
lets see you club your way through MOUNTAINS OF COWSHIT
yeah see i know this guy Augeus
he has a whole fuckton of cows
and he never
ever
cleans up after them
so how about you go do that
and hercules says what seriously
i could tear a cow in half like a phone book
with my balls
and you want me to do farmer bullshit
and eurystheus says fine dick
not hard enough for you?
how about you have to do it in a day
and hercules says fuck just kill me now
oh wait
immortal
totally forgot
and then he goes to these stables
he finds the king and is like hey dude i heard you have some cows
i heard these cows are covered in shit
COWSHIT to be precise
i may have the solution to your problem
but it is gonna cost you
one tenth of your herd
and Augeus is like hm well my cows are pretty fucking disgusting
but no
and hercules says how about if i do it in one day
and augeus says SOLD
so hercules just goes right out
and punches a hole in the barn wall
and then he walks through the hole
and then punches a hole in the other wall
meanwhile augeus is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT I HIRED YOU TO CLEAN THINGS
NOT PUNCH HOLES IN THOSE VERY SAME THINGS
and hercules is like chill dude
i can do both
i am MULTITASKING
and then he goes over to a river
and he just sort of turns that river 90 degrees
so that instead of going into a lake
it goes into a shit-filled cow house
river is definitely moving up in the world
so the river fills up the stable
and washes out the pounds and pounds of high quality cowshit
and leaves through the other hole
and miraculously does not drown ANY cows
at which point hercules is like haha pay up bitch
and augeus responds pay what
see i heard you were working for eurystheus
and for some reason that means i don’t have to pay you
if you dont like that you can take me to court
so hercules takes him to court
and wins
and augeus is like ok ok fine
i will pay you
IN YEARS OF BANISHMENT
GET OUT
so hercules kind of just slinks back to Mycenae
ass-tired and covered in shit
and on top of that when he gets back
eurystheus says oh by the way that didn’t count
because you got paid for doing that one
and hercules is like but he did not pay me money
he paid me in years of banishment
come on
and eurystheus says remember how i am a total ultimate dickwart
and hercules says oh yeah
well anyway labor 5 done sort of

labor 6 is just hercules has to scare away some birds
that all hang out at this lake called Stymphalos
literally he just has to chase away some fucking pigeons
except these pigeons have beaks that penetrate steel
and they are afraid of no man
which is why its a good thing that Athena shows up
and gives hercules some castanets
you know like those little clicky things you hold in your hands
when you are doing flamenco dancing or some shit
and they are made of metal
by hephaestus the god of making shit out of metal
so hercules runs screaming into the thicket waving these bullshit latin percussion implements around
and the birds fly away
mission accomplished

number 7:
you remember that sweet white bull king minos was supposed to sacrifice to poseidon?
well eurystheus does apparently
and he wants that fucker
so hercules walks on over to crete
wrestles the bull to the ground
and drags it back to mycenae before eurystheus even has time to hide in his fucking jar
eurystheus immediately releases the bull
like an asshole
and that thing just wanders around for the next few years
eating the townsfolk
probably raping more women
and siring more demon bastard offspring
great job everyone
another labor complete

the next one is a little less lame
because the thing that hercules has to bring back to mycenae
is a bunch of MAN EATING HORSES
they belong to a dude named diomedes
so hercules sails over to where diomedes lives
with a bunch of other dudes
and they all murder the guys tending the horses
and start stealing them
but then diomedes is like FUCK THATTTTT
and sends an army to kill them
and hercules looks at all his men who came with him
and is like stand back guys
i got this
you take care of the horses
and hercules is more than enough man to rape the entire army to death
also diomedes
meanwhile all his men are not enough man to handle these horses
which promptly drag them to death
and hercules gets back like hey guys i killed an army how are you doWHOA
I leave you alone for TEN MINUTES and what do you do
you get dragged to death by HORSES
jesus
so but then he takes the horses back to eurystheus
who
wait for it
LETS THEM ALL GO
BIG
FUCKING
SURPRISE
and the horses wander around for a while
until they come to MOUNT OLYMPUS
THE HOME OF THE GODS
and get eaten by wild beasts
another victory for conservationist dynamo
EURYSTHEUS OF MYCENAE
also another labor accomplished
this one is the 8th one

so by the time the next labor rolls around
it happens to be the birthday
of Eurystheus’ daughter
and eurystheus is like hm what can i get her
well i guess i could have hercules kidnap a pony
but i dont want to break my streak of needlessly releasing all the animals he brings me
oh i know
how about i have him bring back the warbelt of the queen of the amazons
it will make a fantastic accessory
for my daughter who i am pretty sure is a lesbian
so hercules is like ok
guess i have to go spend like a week
on an island
populated solely by incredibly fit women
who have probably never seen a man in their entire lives
and hm
it might get hot on that island
i better go without a shirt on
even if it does mean that my muscles will be FORCED
to glisten majestically in the dappled sunlight
and hercules’ friends are all
DUDE YOU TOTALLY CANNOT FIGHT THE AMAZONS ON YOUR OWN
CAN WE COME
please
so all these dudes sail over to the land of the amazons
and they get off the boats
and the queen of the amazons
who is named hyppolite
comes down to meet them
like sup
and hercules is like sup
and hyppolite is like what do you want
and hercules is like your belt plz
and hyppolite says well
normally i would say no
but ok
and is about to hand him the belt
when hera decides to be a huge bitch
and tell the entire amazon army
that hercules is there to carry off the queen
so the amazons come charging down the hill
with spears out
their monoboobs bouncing
(yeah the amazons always chopped off one tit
to make them better at fighting
because i guess a full delicious rack
is an impediment to vicious warfare)
and hercules is like oh shit oh shit what do we do
gotta think fast
so he stabs hyppolite in the face and takes her belt
and then he fights an epic battle with the amazons
and wins
because he just stabbed the queen in the face
so then afterwards he and the greeks all get back on the boat
without getting laid AT ALL
and go back to mycenae
and give the belt to eurystheus
who miraculously does not set it free to roam the countryside
and his daughter has the best birthday ever
and hercules only has one labor left
OR DOES HE

so now comes the tenth labor
and obviously eurystheus is thinking
well shit i only have one labor left
better make it a good one
maybe i can have hercules kill all my enemies
or punch some coal into diamonds or some shit
oh wait no
no how about
i ask him to bring me a WHOLE BUNCH OF COWS
yes
I hear this dude geryon has some cows
also he has three heads and three legs
hey hercules go get me geryon’s cattle
and hercules is like sure no problem where is geryon
and eurystheus is like oh just Libya
have fun
so hercules walks to libya
and when he gets there he is SO FUCKING PISSED OFF
he just takes a mountain
and tears it in half with HIS BARE HANDS
so hard that he creates the strait of gibraltar
and then just goes right on and starts killing people an animals in geryon’s land
including some lame generic brand cerberus
called Orthus
just some fucking 2 headed dog
anyway he just kind of murders in a straight line until he finds the cows
and then he grabs the cows and is like peace
but geryon of course finds out
and is like no you are not going to take my cows
and hercules is like what
no look im totally taking your cows
like right now
and geryon is like NOT IF I KILL YOU
so hercules kills him
and then heads home
sailing in a giant wine glass the sun gave him
because again
if you are handsome
the gods give you FABULOUS PRIZES
but there is a problem
because two sons of poseidon show up and try to steal the cows
but it is not really that much of a problem because hercules kills them
he kills them both
but then there is another problem
because one of his cows totally runs away
and swims across the ocean
and invents italy
and some king there named Eryx finds the cow
and you know what
Eryx is ALSO a son of poseidon
poseidon is basically just bathing hercules from every direction
in his congealed
corrosive
semen
so of course Eryx decides to keep the cow
and hercules is like fuck i need to get that cow
hey hephaestus hold these other cows for me for a second
and hephaestus is like actually i was gonna spend some time in the forge
you know
being the god of the forge
and hercules is like nah dude this is more important
and hephaestus gives in because he is a massive pussy
so hercules goes and finds eryx and is like
cow plz
and eryx is like make me
and hercules is like how about i fight you for them
and eryx does not realize what a bad idea it is to say yes to this
this is like trying to win a pie eating contest against the fucking bermuda triangle ok
so hercules makes a deal
if eryx wins, he gets to keep the cow
if eryx loses, he has to give back the cow
AND give up his kingdom to hercules
so he compounds his bad decision with a really shitty bet
like
best case scenario
he gets a cow
worst case scenario he gets his ribcage crushed and then hercules takes everything he loves
hercules of course wins
and is like you know what i am a little too busy to take your kingdom right now
how about i have one of my sons pick it up later
and eryx is like youre bluffing
you dont have any sons
you murdered your sons when hera made you trip balls
and hercules is like dude
i am motherfucking hercules
you think i cant make more kids
just give me the goddamn cow
so he packs all the cows back into his weird goblet boat
and starts sailing again
and is almost at Mycenae when hera is like SHIT
if he completes this labor
i might actually have to keep my word and FORGIVE HIM
for touching my tit that
ONE
FUCKING
TIME
we cant have that
ok i know what i’ll do
ill send some flies to bite the cows
so they run away
to EVERYWHERE IN EUROPE
so she does
and hercules just goes ahead and tracks down every single one of those fucking cows
and he grabs them all at once probably
and busts into mycenae like
EURYSTHEUS YOU BETTER NOT TURN THESE FUCKING COWS LOOSE
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SLURP FROM YOUR SPINE LIKE A CRAZY STRAW
and eurystheus is like fine fine
i promise i wont set them free
i’ll just SACRIFICE THEM TO HERA
BAHAHAHAHA
so he does that
and hercules is like you asshole
well at least im done with all my labors now
and eurystheus is like haha i didnt tell you?
two of those labors dont count
the hydra one cause you got help
and the stables one because im a huge asshole
so you get to do two more
BONUS LABORS
have fun
so labor ten complete
but two more labors added
so pretty much like
negative two completions
or negative one?
i dont know how math works im just telling a fucking story about muscles ok

so bonus labor 1 is pretty cool
basically hercules has to go grab some apples
they are golden apples actually
and they only grow in this one garden
and first of all no mortal knows where it is
and second of all
even if you do find it the apples are guarded
by a DRAGON with a HUNDRED HEADS
and also some nymphs called the hesperides
and the apples are called the golden apples
OF THE HESPERIDES
dude honestly i think if anyone in that garden can lay claim to those apples
it is the DRAGON
with the HUNDRED GODDAMN HEADS
not some sissy-ass nymphs
but thats the way it is i guess
so hercules comes up with a pretty good plan
which is he just starts wandering around
all over the world
hoping to just randomly run into it
and then when that inevitably fails
he goes and hits up this sea diety
nereus
and just grabs his fucking throat and is like TELL ME WHERE THE GARDEN IS
and nereus is like how about instead i turn into an OCTOPUS
and hercules is like NO
and nereus is like HOW ABOUT A FUCKING LION OR SOME GOATS
and hercules is like NO
and nereus is like HOW ABOUT A HOT CHICK
and hercules is like THAT WILL JUST MAKE ME CHOKE YOU MORE
LIKE I CHOKED MY WIFE
and nereus is like fine ill tell you
and he tells him
and then hercules keeps on going
he runs into this dude Antaeus
GUESS WHOSE SON HE IS
you got it
POSEIDON
this one is tricky because in order to crush him
hercules has to actually lift him off the ground
cause since antaeus’ dad is the god of earth and sea
touching the ground juices him up
ultimately though
hercules picks him up and smashes his ribcage like some fucking saltines
and then he keeps on truckin’
and he runs into
gasp
ANOTHER ONE OF POSEIDON’S SONS
Busiris
who actually manages to capture him
but only for like 10 minutes
because then hercules escapes
and kills him
maybe poseidon just has too many sons is the problem
and he is looking for a creative way
to get rid of some sons
and so he just tells his kids
hey guys you know what would make a great fathers day gift
murdering hercules
no matter what the problem is
the next dude hercules runs into is prometheus
now at this point prometheus has been chained to a rock
for 30 YEARS
getting his liver eaten out by eagles EVERY DAY
except when hercules shows up
he kills the eagle
just like prometheus told Io he would all those years ago
he just reaches out and snaps its neck like a wishbone
and prometheus is like holy shit
why did no one do this before
hey man thanks
wanna know how to get the apples of the hesperides
cause see
you cant go get them yourself
youll get raped by the dragon
and hercules is like sure tell me
and prometheus is like well you just have to get atlas
the dude who holds up the earth
to go get them for you
see he hates holding up the earth
and the hesperides are his kids
so you can totally get him to go
if you just hold up the earth for him for a little while
and hercules is like uh ok
and prometheus is like hey do you think you could
maybe like
release me from these chains
and hercules is like nope too busy
so he finds Atlas
who is holding up the entire world
i am not sure what he stands on though
but yeah hercules is like dude
can you tell me how to get into the garden
and atlas is like nope sorry
but actually you know what i can do
is if you would just hold the entire world for a second
i’ll go over and grab some apples for you
and hercules is like wait why dont you just put the world down
like rest it on whatever you are standing on
and atlas is like duh because it would roll
so hercules says ok and takes over holding the world
and atlas runs off to get some apples
and then he comes back with the apples
and hercules is like dude the entire world is pretty heavy
i am literally holding everything right now
i need you to appreciate that
and atlas is like oh i appreciate that alright
i appreciate it so much i am going to let you keep doing that for a while
maybe just like
FOREVER
and i will go give the apples to eurystheus
and hercules is like WHAT
DUDE
this was NOT the deal
and atlas is all IM MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL
and hercules is like fuck fine
well i didnt know i was gonna be holding the world for all eternity when i got up this morning
so i forgot to put on my special world-holding shoulderpads
and atlas is like oh shit really
well i guess i can hold the world for you while you get those on
and he does
and then hercules is like haha psyche asshole enjoy an eternity of debilitaing hell
and runs off
with the apples
but when he gets to mycenae
he finds out that
since the apples belong to the gods
eurystheus doesnt get to keep them
hercules has to immediately go and give the apples to athena
so she can take them back to the garden
so once again
no one benefits
no one is happy
and another labor is done

so now hercules is pretty cautious
before eurystheus gives him another labor hes like
hey eurystheus
that labor counted right
you arent gonna give me any weak shit
about how you didnt get to keep the apples so i have to get new ones
or like
that atlas got the apples for me so i have to do it again
because man
im seriously considering giving up on all this labor bullshit
and just going back to my old career
of strangling innocent people to death
and eurystheus is like no man its cool its cool
just do this one last labor and we are set
all i need you to do is go grab me cerberus real quick
he should not be hard to find
he is always in the same place
AT THE GATES OF THE UNDERWORLD
ok for those of you who dont know what cerberus is
cerberus is like the worst thing ever
got cloned three times
and then the clones got stapled to each other
and each of the clones has a rabid dog head
and is covered in live snakes
and instead of a tail
what does this motherfucker have
but a dragon
yes
a dragon
so this is what hercules has to just nip out and get
for eurystheus
i mean on top of this is the small detail
that no one gets to go into hades and then come back out of hades
unless you are zeus
or hades wants to sleep with you
or you are orpheus
or odysseus
or odysseus’ men
or you ask really nicely
really with every one of these myths i read
hades gets less and less intimidating
dude does not run a tight ship
which is why hercules just finds some cave in Thrace
and walks down that cave until he hits the underworld
like come ON
if I was the king of hell i would probably patch that shit up
anyway he’s not sure if he’s gonna be able to get out again
so before he goes in he gets religion
so if he is stuck there it will at least be somewhere nice
and he just struts down into hades
beating the shit out of ghosts
all the way down
til he gets to hades and persephone
and is like hey guys
can i take your massive murderdog real quick
seriously you wont even miss it
eurystheus is just gonna make me bring it back anyway
and hades is like yeah sure no problem
all you gotta do
is overpower cerberus
WITH YOUR FISTS
and hercules is like psh
dude
i rip MOUNTAINS in half
so he goes and finds cerberus
and is like hey lets do this
and puts all three of cerberus’ heads
in the ULTIMATE HEADLOCK
and does not let go
not even when cerberus’ tail
which let me remind you is a dragon
whirls around and bites him in the chest
nope he just keeps on holding on
until cerberus is like fuck
FINE
lets go to mycenae
and hercules carries the dog all the way there
and eurystheus shits himself so hard
his unborn great grandchildren shit themselves
there is just a whole brown festival
going on in his pants
and he is like SWEET FUCK
JUST TAKE THAT THING AWAY
and hercules is like well am i done with the labors
and eurystheus is like YES YES SURE YES
and hercules is like ok then
and takes cerberus right back to hades
after basically having emasculated the fuck out of the thing
and then goes on with his life
secure in the knowledge that he has killed a lot of sentient beings over the past few years
in order to atone
for killing three or four sentient beings this one time
and also for touching a nipple

so without any dudes to murder anymore
he gets bored
and he marries some chick named Deianira
and then one day they are out walking around
and they see a river
and for some reason they need to cross this river
probably because hercules does not understand
that fording a fucking RIVER is hard for some people
so he is just basically gonna wade across
and meanwhile his wife is like what the fuck do i do
and this centaur shows up like hey
hey
my name is nessus
i will carry you across safely
even though i bet your husband could do that
or at least chuck you across
anyway hop on my back
so she does
and he gets to the middle of the river
and is like oops change of plans
how about instead of taking you to the other side
i rape you
probably the centaurs were still pretty pissed off at hercules
for murdering like 80 of them
over some booze
so hercules continues his trend
of shooting centaurs with poison arrows
and hits that fucker in the heart
and they drift to shore
and before hercules can come over nessus is like
hey
hey lady
did you know that my blood is a magical elixir
that has the power
to make your husband never cheat on you ever
so here just take some of my blood real quick
and then if you ever think hercules is cheating on you
just smear some inside all his clothes
it will be great
trust me
not like i just tried to rape you or anything
and deianira is like ok sure
and takes some blood
and sure enough some time later
deianira is like hm my husband is a musclebound international hero
i bet he is probably getting some tail
other than my tail
i should use this totally legitimate elixir i found
and she smears it on hercules’ cape
and he puts it on
and is like dear god woman did you put HYDRA POISON in my CLOTHES
because you see
there was hydra poison in nessus’ blood
because there was hydra poison on hercules’ arrows
because there was hydra poison in the hydra
and hercules dipped the arrows in the hydra
just a little review cause i know this myth is pretty long
anyway hercules is in terrible pain
but he cant die
cause like
remember
hes immortal
so he is like shit shit shit
and he gets all his friends together and is like
hey guys do me a solid
set me on fire until none of me remains
and they are all like sure no problem
and then zeus takes him and turns him into a constellation
and he gets a new wife
named Hebe
who is not a fucking dumbass who poisons her husband
although to be fair
she is also the daughter of zeus and hera
so you know
little bit of incest
but you know actually i was pretty surprised to find out who her parents were
because i just did not expect
that zeus would ever have any kids with his wife
anyway hercules and hebe live happily ever after
just bangin’ and prolly having babies with like
three arms and speech impediments
and he teaches the world a valuable lesson
which is that if your parents are gods you can pretty much do anything you want
and that all problems in life can be solved by brute strength
even problems caused by brute strength
in fact especially those problems

the end

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SPORTS

Gonna talk about mayan dudes again in a mildly inaccurate fashion

So there are these two dudes
Hun Hunapú and Vucub Hunapú
they are twins
or at least brothers
i mean they have the same last name
whatever
anyway they piss off the gods of the underworld
with their constant ball-playing
yes that is right
they play sports SO HARD
that it upsets SATAN
I did not know this was possible
until i read the popol vuh
where this shit is written down
anyway the gods summon them down to the underworld
which is called Xibalbá
because no mayan story is complete
without like six thousand proper nouns
beginning with the letter X
the gods of the underworld are all
hey guys we heard you like ball playing
GET IT
WE HEARD
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FUCKING LOUD
and the twins are like what of it
and the gods are like if you like ball games so much
how about you play ball with us
FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES
and the twins are like ok
because they are pretty hot shit at ball playing
so the game starts
now if this was a greek myth
the twins would use some kind of trickery
or insane skill
and beat the gods
but this is a mayan myth
the gods win and they kill these dudes and bury them under the ball court
except for Hun’s head
they put that on a calabash tree for some reason
turns out that is a bad idea
because some chick named Xquic walks by
and hun spits in her hand
and he is such a true man that this causes her to get pregnant
and she gives birth to TWINS
guys
you think you are such hot shit
because your penis is one and a half inch longer
than the national average
try impregnating a random chick with your saliva
in her hand
from a tree
on which someone has deposited YOUR SEVERED HEAD
who knows where his dick even was
is the point i am making
actually wait i went and read it again
it wasn’t even his head
it was just his skull
skulls don’t even fucking make saliva
so like
i guess when he still had skin and stuff
he just collected a big glob of spit in there
and he HELD IT
WAITING
for some chick to walk by
i want that shit on a poster
that says hang in there
impotence is not a problem
for mayan mythological figures
so yeah Xquic gives birth to twins
they are called Hunahpú
and Xbalanqué
and these two guys
of course
are alive for like five fucking minutes
before they discover their dad’s ball-playing gear
and start playing some goddamn ball
and they play SO GODDAMN HARD
that they piss off the underworld AGAIN
and THEY get summoned down there
and the gods are like hey you may have noticed that severed head
hanging from that tree by your house
that was the last dude who fucking kept us awake
with his ball-playing
and hunahpú and xbalanqué look at them and are like
that skull is our FATHER
and the gods are like exactly
we killed your father
we are totally going to kill you too
why the fuck do you guys even like playing ball this much
ok look do you want to play ball for your lives
and the twins say yeah sure
because they are even HOTTER SHIT
than their dads were.
actually
i don’t think both of the other guys were their father
because that would be weird
anyway they play ball
and see
if this was a roman myth
or maybe like
a norse myth
these guys would totally have won
and avenged their fathers
but like i said
fucking mayans
the gods win again
and they kill the twins and bury them under the ball court
but there is a TWIST
because it turns out the twins are FUCKING IMMORTAL
so they dig themselves up and sneak away
and they come up with a crafty plan
which is to come directly back to the underworld
dressed as traveling performers
and the gods are like SWEEEEEET
because it is boring in Xibalbá
so Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic show
fucking amazing shit going on
maybe they do an amazing magic trick
where they make their names easier to fucking type
and then they get to the finale
and for the finale
one of them cuts off the other’s head
and the puts it back on
and he is fine
and all the gods are like SHIT SHIT AWESOME
DO ME DO ME
and the twins are like sure ok
and just go and chop off the gods’ heads
without any fucking resistance whatsoever
because that is how slick they are
and then they go dig up their dads
and resurrect them
and they all live happily ever after
and none of them ever forget how lucky they are
to be able to use their DICKS to get women pregnant

The end

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Not deliriously ill anymore

Talking about Dionysis reminded me of something

it reminded me that Dionysis is a shitty name
and I should actually be calling him Bacchus
because i like it better and it is easier to write
but it also reminded me about this one time
when Bacchus woke up from a drunken stupor
to find his foster father missing
cause see
Bacchus would not stand for having a foster father
who was not some kind of alcoholic
and also a satyr
and so naturally the two of them just get shitfaced together
like all the time
and Bacchus doesn’t even need to worry about being hung over
cause his foster father
is also his schoolmaster
and is also like i said an alcoholic
so hes gonna be just as hung over
his name is Silenus by the way
anyway this particular day Bacchus wakes up
and Silenus is not there
because he got real hammered and wandered off
and passed out in a rose garden
which happened to belong to this king
named Midas
now midas is a pretty good king
and i will tell you why
it is because when he finds some drunk satyr passed out in his rose garden
he does not get all butthurt about it
and call the guards and shit
instead he invites the guy inside
and makes him some sandwiches
and lets him chill out and nurse his EPIC HANGOVER
for TEN DAYS
at which point he gives him a ride home
to Bacchus’ place
and Bacchus is all DUDE
NICE
YOU BROUGHT MY DAD BACK
you want a beer?
and Midas is all no thanks man i gotta drive home
and bacchus is like shit well in that case how about
I GRANT YOU ANY WISH
and Midas is like hm ok
well i guess the one thing i don’t really have enough of right now
is ludicrous riches
so how about everything i touch turns to gold
and bacchus says alright done have fun
and midas DOES
he IMMEDIATELY starts touching shit
like some rocks
and some twigs
turnin’ everything into gold
and he goes home
and bacchus and his foster dad go off to get trashed again
and probably get lost
and end up granting some more ridiculous wishes
because that is how they do
anyway midas gets home and is like GENTLEMEN
PREPARE ME A MARVELLOUS FEAST
and so all his servants set out this massive feast for him
like more food than he can possibly eat
so delicious he can’t even stand it
and so he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton
but before he can put it in his mouth
IT TURNS INTO GOLD
and he is like OH NO
well at least i can still get drunk
and he picks up his wine glass
which turns to gold obviously
and he downs his wine
only when it goes into his mouth it also turns into gold
and probably chokes him a little
maybe he even throws up in his mouth a little
but if he does
that shit TURNS TO GOLD
AWESOME
so king midas is pretty hungry and thirsty
and on top of that picking little gold flakes out of his teeth
and his beard too probably
you cannot be a king without having a beard
anyway he can’t think of anything to do about this shit
so he goes and just starts turning everything in his house into gold
because gods dammit if he is gonna starve to death
at least he is gonna die wealthy
and he gets so caught up in this
that he does not notice his daughter come into the room
and his daughter loves him so much
that she just wants to surprise him with a BIIIIG HUG
only she is the one who gets surprised
CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLD
not just her ass her whole body
also her clothes
also she is not the only one who is surprised
midas is pretty fucking surprised too
because he has just accidentally killed his daughter
but also made her like a billion times more valuable
who needs kids when you have solid gold statues
of your kids
but midas doesn’t see it that way
so he starts crying
and his tears turn into gold
which is incredibly uncomfortable
and just makes him cry more
but he gets ahold of himself and is like BACCHUS
HEY
CAN YOU FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME
and bacchus is like what oh shit
what have you done man
what is it with you mortals always petrifying your daughters
and starving to death and shit
and midas is all come on man help me out
and bacchus is like ok well i guess what you can do
is go bathe in this river called Pactolus
and that will solve your problems
so Midas does that
and it takes away his superpower
while simultaneously turning all the sand in the river gold
but does nothing to fix the fact
that Midas’s daughter is made of gold
so its like you know when you are eating a food you really like
and then you get the flu
and you vomit nonstop for like nine whole days
and at the end of that horrible intestinal hurricaine
suddenly you do not like that food anymore?
ok so imagine your favorite food is gold
and instead of vomiting your daughter is dead
now you understand how midas feels
so he moves to the country
and kind of abandons his entire kingdom i guess?
can you do that?
well anyway he does that
and becomes a follower of this god Pan
who is a satyr
and is in charge of playing music on some pipes
and theatrical criticism for some reason
and Midas gets taught to play music by Orpheus
you remember that guy right
so then one day Pan is talking shit about Apollo
and saying how he can totally play better music than that guy
so apollo shows up and is like bring it
and pan definitely brings it
he is playing some seriously rustic tunes
and Midas is all clapping his hands and singing along
but then Apollo plays some music
well he doesnt even really play
he just pretty much hits his lyre once
like he is just getting READY to play a song
and the judge just immediately gives him the win
and everyone there is like ok right on
good job apollo
except for one dude
and that dude is midas
midas is like what the fuck man
he didn’t even play a song
try not to choke on that dick guys
and Apollo is all HOW DARE YOU
I am going to give you
DONKEY EARSSSSSSSS
and bam midas suddenly has donkey ears
he gets super embarassed
and hides his ears under a massive turban all the time
but of course his barber knows his secret
because even living out in the country
midas is too regal to cut his own hair
and he swears the barber to secrecy
but the secret is TOO GREAT AND IMPORTANT
FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR
and so the barber does the only sensible thing
and digs a hole in the ground
and whispers the secret into it
and then buries it
but then a bunch of reeds grow out of the dirt
and start whispering the secret everywhere
like “king midas has donkey ears”
even though it is totally none of their business
and that is why i dont give a shit what anyone says
you can’t trust dirt
and reeds are fucking assholes

THE END

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Smugglin’ Babies

so i feel like i have not been focusing enough on Zeus’s dick lately

lets change that
by talking about this one time
when zeus was just cruisin around
pickin’ mortal women to bone
and he sees this priestess named Semele
in one of his temples
sacrificing this bull
and then swimming naked in a river
because she got all covered in blood
so zeus
who is an eagle right now
is like WHOA BABY
GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT
and immediately starts having an affair with her
now hera finds out about this
as she always does
i mean like first of all
after the number of women zeus has slept with
you would think he would learn to like
cover his tracks a little bit?
second of all why is hera still his wife
i mean is it that
he is like
so incredibly unfaithful
that it wraps around and he is actually a good husband?
anyway hera finds out about this shit
and instead of divorcing her husband
she decided to prank him
so she goes down to earth and finds Semele
and is like hey i am zeus’ wife
and semele is like SHIT DON’T KILL ME
and hera is like ha ha ha im not going to kill you
i am fine with my husband’s infidelity for some reason
in fact i just wanted to let you know
that he and i have way better sex
than you and him
and Semele says i dunno man we have some pretty epic boner adventures
and hera says oh honey you dont even know
next time you two are doing the monster mash
ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it to ME
so semele says hmm ok
you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives for telling me this
i’ll do it
so next time she and zeus get busy
she is like hold on there bad boy
make love to me like you make love to your wife
and zeus is like aww man way to kill the mood
if i did that you would explode
and semele, thinking that he is speaking figuratively
is like come on handsome i can take it
and anyway i totally won’t believe you’re zeus
unless you do this
and zeus says ok i guess
it is pretty important to me for people to acknowledge my godhood
and he turns into lightning
and sets her on fire
and she explodes
and zeus is like aww dammit
i knew this was gonna happen
now i gotta save the baby i put inside her
especially since i’m pretty sure my wife is gonna try and eat it or something
so zeus grabs the baby
as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse
and thinks real fast and sews it up in his thigh
and then after a few months of walking very awkwardly
zeus goes and hides in a cave
and gives birth to this baby out his thigh
and this baby is none other
than dionysis
the god of drinking so much you give your grandfather fetal alcohol poisoning
and he grows up
and he goes and frees his mom from hades
and makes her a goddess
with a different name for some reason
(Thyone)
maybe so hera wouldn’t go catfight her ass
so basically what this story teaches us
is that in ancient greece
they hadn’t invented divorce yet
because otherwise hera would have zeus paying child support
on like NINE MILLION KIDS

The End

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