Keep doing that and you’ll go blind

Hey guys I’m back
I noticed you did some pretty sweet myths while i was gone
call me some time Jesse
anyway awesome work
we’ll have to do it again sometime

NOW

Since you motherfuckers STOLE
at least one of the myths i was gonna do this week
You’re going to hear all about ODIN
ALL WEEK LONG
yes it is motherfucking ODIN WEEK
here on the better myths blog
so check it out

there is this guy odin right
(I’m trying this crazy paragraph idea today
let’s see where it takes us)
i think i said before how he kind of made the world and stuff
anyway he has these two birds
Hugin and Munin
they’re ravens actually
and every day they fly all over the place
and then they come back and tell Odin what’s up

but DISASTER STRIKES
because one day
instead of showing up
the ravens DON’T SHOW UP
and Odin is all
FUCK I’M PRETTY AFRAID HUGIN IS GONNA DIE
BUT I REALLY LIKE MUNIN A LOT BETTER
SO I HOPE HE COMES BACK FIRST

but the next day both of the ravens come back
only instead of telling him all the shit they saw
all they will say is
DOOM DOOM DOOM MOTHERFUCKER
GOT SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN THIS BITCH
and Odin is like
OH FUCK
FOREBODING SHADOWS
THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OF SHADOWS
SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT
DAMN

so his wife Frigga busts in like
HUSBAND STOP YELLING
and Odin is like
I CANT STOP YELLING
THERE ARE FOREBODING SHADOWS FUCKING GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WOMAN
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE CALM
HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO BE CALM WITH ALL THIS DOOM EVERYWHERE
and frigga is like dude chill
if bad shit’s gonna happen
bad shit’s gonna happen
tell you what
how about we go hit up these chicks called the norns
who live at the bottom of Ygdrassil
- THE TREE OF LIFE -
and look into their eyes for a bit and see the future
and then see how you feel ok?
and Odin is like okay i guess
I felt like I was really making some progress here though
you know
with the yelling

so Odin gets all his buddies together
them being Tyr
the one-armed badass swordmaster murder convention
Baldur
the most beautiful and best loved of all the gods
and Thor
who has a hammer
they all walk over to this fabulous rainbow bridge
that connects Asgard to the base of Ygdrassil
and Odin goes up to Heimdall
who is the keeper of the gate
and the watchman of Asgard
and also has the ultimate set of gold dentures
and Odin is like dude
open the gate
and heimdall is all sure ok
and he opens the gate
and Odin walks through
and Tyr walks through
and Baldur walks through
and Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall is like NOPE
NO THORS ALLOWED
and Thor
who is the god of getting real pissed real fast
is all WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ASSHOLE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR GATE
AND YOUR BRIDGE
AND YOUR WIFE
OR LIKE
SINCE YOU DONT HAVE A WIFE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR WEAKASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING
AND MARRIES YOU
AND THEN AT THE WEDDING CEREMONY
WHEN YOU ARE ALL HAVING YOUR FIRST DANCE
AND CUTTING THE CAKE AND SHIT
BUST OUT OF THE CAKE AND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE JAW?
WITH MY HAMMER?
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON MOTHERFUCKER
IT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER
AND IF THERE IS A SECOND THING
IT IS MY INCREDIBLY VINDICTIVE NATURE
SO JUST THINK ABOUT THAT OK
and Heimdall is like
well
actually your hammer is kind of the problem
the weight of your hammer
combined with the weight of your
fat
fat
ass
would break the rainbow bridge
so I’m sorry dude
you’re going to have to stay home
and thor is like NO
and Heimdall is like well i mean
you can leave your hammer with me
and Thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOO
and at this point Odin and the other guys are just like
Thor
Thor
buddy
it’s not that big a deal
just chill out in asgard for a bit
we’ll be back
and thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Odin is like Heimdall, bro
just let him cross the bridge, yeah?
he’s gonna have one of his tantrums
and Heimdall is like i can’t
it will actually break
but he can go another way
there are these two smothering miserable cloud rivers
that follow the bridge
if he can wade through both of those, he can meet you on the other side
and Thor is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Odin and Tyr and Baldur
have to hang out and just listen to some fucking swans for a bit
and wait for thor to complete his miserable and unecessary slog
through the cloud rivers
to the base of Ygdrassil
and he finally makes it
and then Odin goes over to stare at the Norns for a bit
there are three norns
Urda, the old one
Verdandi, the hot one
and Skulda, the emo one
and in their eyes Odin can see the future
and it’s pretty fucking depressing
the myth doesn’t really say quite what he sees
but whatever it is it’s just a thousand times worse
than whatever the ravens told him
and then his wife shows up
with Sif (Thor’s wife, with the gold wig)
and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)
and she looks at the norns for a bit
and then looks real sad at Baldur
who is her son
presumably cause she saw him die in the future or some shit
who knows

so Odin turns around like
HEY WIFE OF ODIN
which is what he calls his wife apparently
and Frigga is like
YEAH HUSBAND OF FRIGGA WHATS UP?
and Odin is like IM GOING TO MIDGARD FOR A BIT
I NEED TO DRINK FROM THE WELL OF MIMIR
CAUSE IT IS FORTIFIED WITH WISDOM AND SHIT
AND ALL THESE FOREBODING SHADOWS ARE GOING WAY OVER MY HEAD
and Frigga is like COOL OK

So Odin gets rid of his spear
and all his armor
and his eagle helmet
and his eight-legged horse
and his name
and becomes VEGTAM THE WANDERER
he gets a blue cloak and a staff
and starts walking through midgard
on his way to Jotunheim
to see him some giants

pretty soon
he sees him a giant
and since he is Odin
he looks like a giant to other giants
and a regular dude to other regular dudes
so he walks up to the giant like
HEY THERE OTHER GIANT
WHO ARE YOU
and the giant is like
I AM VAFTHRUDNER
WISEST GIANT EVER
Odin has heard about this dude
and he knows that he is not bullshitting
so he is like
OH DAMN I AM IN LUCK
HEY VAFTHRUDNER
HOOK ME UP WITH SOME WISDOM
and Vafthrudner is like
OK BUT FIRST ANSWER MY RANDOM BULLSHIT TRIVIA
AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD
this is how they play trivial pursuit in sweden
and Odin is like ok sure

so Vafthrudner is like ALRIGHT SMART GUY
WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE RIVER BETWEEN ASGARD AND JOTUNHEIM
and Odin is like IFLING MOTHERFUCKER
so Vafthruder is like ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
BUT WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE HORSES DAY AND NIGHT DRIVE
and Odin is like SKINFAX AND HRIMFAX FOOL
so Vafthruder is like FINE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
BUT WHAT IS THE NAME
OF THE PLAIN
WHERE THE LAST BATTLE WILL BE FOUGHT
and Odin is like MAN I EXPECTED SOME RIDDLES OR SOMETHING
NOT THIS STUPID POP QUIZ BULLSHIT
THE ANSWERS TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS ARE ON FUCKING WIKIPEDIA
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPOSED TO BE WISE
IT’S CALLED THE PLANE OF VIGARD BITCH

and Vafthruder is like aww fuck
well hold on
now you gotta ask me a question
and if I can answer it, I get away clean
but if I CAN’T then you get my head
and Odin is like alright i guess
how about this one:
WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THAT ODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SON BALDUR
BEFORE BALDUR DIES
and Vafthruder is like JESUS CHRIST COME ON
THAT IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR
ONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUE- wait a second
you’re Odin aren’t you?
you motherfucker.
alright well decapitate me I guess

but odin is like WHOA WHOA MAN
I didn’t want to decapitate you
I just wanna know how much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well
and Vafthruder is like oh damn is that all?
you could have just asked Mimir
ok well Mimir generally just charges people
THEIR RIGHT EYE
in exchange for a drink from the well of wisdom
and Odin is like really?
and Vafthruder is like yup
and Odin is like does he ever charge anything else?
and Vafthruder is like nope.

So Odin is like fuuuuuuck man
I need my right eye
for like
depth perception
and like
keeping bacteria out of my bleeding eyesocket
maybe i shouldn’t go through with this
and then he remembers that that would be super lame
and all the other gods would call him a pussy forever
so he gets his balls up
and goes to Mimir’s well
and is like hey Mimir
hook it up

Mimir looks at him and is like dude
you know how much it costs right?
and Odin is like yup
and Mimir says
cause like a lot of people show up here
all GIVE ME SOME WISDOM
and i’m always like sure
one eyeball please
and they are like NOOOOOOO WAYYYYYY
so i just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna pussy out
I mean I know you’re not gonna
because I drink from this fucker all the time
and have ultimate wisdom
but still
for formality’s sake
you down to give me your right eye?
and Odin is like YES.

So Mimir gives him the water of knowledge first
which strikes me as an incredibly unwise move
because Odin could have just
drunk all the water
and then left
and kept both his eyes
and in fact if that water had really given him ultimate wisdom
that’s probably what he would have done

but no
he drinks the water
and he sees what he has to do to mitigate the horrible foreboding shadow
even though it can’t be stopped
because norse mythology is pretty fucking gloomy
and then he puts down the drinking horn
and he plucks out his eye
and he puts his still-warm bleeding eyeball in Mimir’s well
proving once and for all
that the norse may not have been a very smart people
or a very happy people
but no matter what

THEY WERE ALWAYS METAL

The end.

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Bastard Children are Morons

Thanks to tsuyoshikentsu. Mr. O’Brien will resume his postings next week.

So there’s this chick Clymene

and she would be totally unremarkable
except one day Helios, god of the sun
decides to pull a Zeus and just randomly knock her up and leave
so she has this kid Phaeton
and let me tell you
if you thought that guy icarus was dumb
you will not BELIEVE this kid
so he goes up to his mom and asks hey
I know this is an incredibly painful subject for you
but can you tell me who my dad is
and Clymene is like well
I don’t want to brag
but
your dad
is HELIOS
GOD OF THE SUN
and Phaeton is like no but really who mah dadday
and Clymene is like no but really it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like okay stop the bullshit now
and Clymene is like no for real it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like you are a liar
and Clymene is like well if you don’t believe me why don’t you go find him
you damned ungrateful child
and Phaeton is like fine
I will
and basically he does
like he is so intent on proving his mother wrong
that he seriously GOES TO HEAVEN
and goes and asks the sun god
but actually his mother is telling the truth
so Helios is like actually yes, I am your daddy
and Phaeton is all like PROVE IT
and Helios is like ARGH WHAT THE HELL KID
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PROVE THIS
and Phaeton is like pinky swear?
and Helios is like fuck that mortal shit
I SWEAR ON THE RIVER STYX
and Phaeton is like SWEET I WANNA DRIVE THE CHARIOT
okay
brief time out here
the Greeks believed
that the sun was actually the chariot of the sun god
being driven across the sky every day
like he would have nothing better to do
but anyway this is the chariot Phaeton wants to drive
and Helios is all like uhhhhh
that will probably kill you son
(get it son)
and Phaeton says BUT YOU PROMISED
and Helios is like no but for real
the chariot is on fire
and the horses breathe fire
also they’re crazy
you would probably burn to a crisp
and Phaeton is like BUT YOU PROOOOMIIIIIISED
and Helios is like FINE JESUS
but here
let me rub you with oil that will stop you from burning
and Phaeton is all like great!
so the next day Phaeton gets all set to go on the chariot
and his dad is like this is a terrible idea
and Phaeton is like SCREW YOU DAD I DO WHAT I WANT
NOW GIDDYUP
and the fire-breathing horses are all like
this guy is a total wuss
except horses can’t talk, not even fire-breathing ones
but anyway they just totally fucking bolt
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIiiiiIIiiIiiiIIIiiIiIiIT
(cause he’s moving right
anyway)
and hes not being burned but he can’t steer the damn chariot
and the chariot is the sun
so basically the sun goes way up high and Helios starts freezing his balls off
and is like GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW BOY
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIIIiiiiIiIiiIiiIIIIiIIiiiiIIIT
but he manages to make the horses go lower
except now he’s TOO LOW
and he’s just fucking burning everything
and he flies over africa like SHIIIIIIiiiiiiIIiIIIIIiIIIIIiiIT
and he burns most of northern africa and that’s why it’s a desert
and he burns most of the africans and that’s why ethiopians are black
(anansi probably has something to say about that, but fuck him
this is a greek myth
anyway)
he just keeps burning shit and burning shit
and all the water starts to dry up
and even poseidon gets up and is like
BITCH
CUT THIS THE FUCK OUT
but it’s too hot for him to handle and he has to run
so finally zeus manages to look away from whatever chick he is currently boning
and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP THERE
HELIOS
YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING AROUND
and then he looks and he sees it’s not Helios
and then he basically is like fuck this
and he takes a lightning bolt and shoots down the chariot
and Phaeton dies a horrible death
so naturally Helios is pretty upset about this
and he goes and he mourns for a few days
which would be fine for anyone else, but he’s not driving his chariot
bam
no sun
and finally the other gods are like FUCK dude
it’s just a kid
get over it
and Helios is like okay
and he goes back to doing his thing
but the fact of the matter is
none of this would have been a problem
if Clymene hadn’t known who Phaeton’s father was
thereby proving
if you knock some chick up
it is better that you don’t give her your name

the end

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The Founding of Rome

Thanks to Jesse:

THE FOUNDING OF ROME

I’m going to tell you a story about how we got Rome

it involves wolf tits
virgins
twins
and lots of bad dudes
and rape that might be kidnapping
but is probably rape
this being a Roman myth after all.

So here we are in ancient Alba
where a Vestal Virgin gets knocked up
this is a pretty big deal because virginity
is sacred to Vesta
the goddess of home and homefires and other homey type stuff
except maybe it’s not a problem that she’s knocked up
because apparently it was Mars
the god of fucking War
who did the deed
so maybe the virgin can be forgiven
because Mars is not the sensitive type
(there is some kind of hidden lesson in here
about how wars create cities
but let’s focus on the poor vestal virgin for a moment)

she gives birth to twins
Romulus and Remus
and their great-uncle realizes fuck
these kids are not quite human
and tells his servant to have them killed
we never hear about the mother after this
because in typical myth fashion
your parents usually only count if they are gods.

Anyway
maybe the servant wasn’t listening
or in any case didn’t feel like
fucking murdering these semi-divine twin babies
because the servant just leaves them near the river Tiber
which is flooding
sure
but you know myths
surely some magical animals will come by
and the babies will be just fine

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW
they don’t die because
a she-wolf suckles them
a woodpecker feeds them
and a pig herder later adopts them maybe thinking
hey who couldn’t use some wolf suckled demigod twins
to help out with the old pig farm

Romulus and Remus grow up to be pretty awesome swineherds
and are actually pretty badass
despite growing up with uneducated swineherds
in fact they become the leaders
of all the swineherds
and other assorted bad dudes
who apparently all hang out in the Tiber Valley
because when you drink wolf milk
you are pretty badass
and everyone fucking knows it.

Not content with reigning over these Tiber Valley thugs
first the twins conquer their great-uncle’s kingdom as revenge
but say hey fuck that kingdom
we’re too badass to reign over someone else’s weak ass kingdom
so they decide to make their own kingdom
except Romulus picks one hill
and Remus picks another hill
and they are both pretty pissed off motherfuckers
who can’t agree
and I think you might know what is coming here

Remus goes hey Romulus
I saw six vultures which means my hill is pretty sweet
and Romulus goes well dumbass
too bad because I saw TWELVE VULTURES
meaning my hill is TWICE AS BADASS
Remus is like okay
and jumps over Romulus’s wall
but I guess wall jumping is a pretty big insult
back in pre-Rome
so Romulus fucking kills Remus over this
and continues on to build his badass city without his brother.

Except his city has a big problem
aside from being founded on murder
the problem is that everyone who lives there
is a bad dude
they are all brigands and thieves
runaway slaves and shepherds
(shepherds apparently are bad dudes in pre-Rome
not clear how their reputations got repaired so quickly
cause later on the Bible is pretty sweet on shepherds
but I digress)
what they don’t have is any ladies
at all
and so Romulus is like guys guys check it out
did you notice all the Sabines who live next door
they have some pretty hot ladies
let’s hold some games in town
and lure in all that sweet Sabine ass
because we sure could use some ladies
in this damn sausage factory
am I right or am I right
and all the pre-Rome dudes are like SIGN US UP
so they hold the games
the Sabines come to pre-Rome like sweet
heard there were some games here
and at Romulus’s signal
the infamous Rape of the Sabine Women happens
and the Sabine ladies are taken
by all the brigands and thieves and shepherds and such
and some stories try to say it wasn’t a rape
it was more like a kidnapping
but
Romans are the descendants
of Romulus’s bad dudes and the Sabine women
so you tell me
was it a little Stockholm syndrome after the kidnappings
or did something a little more violent occur
when all these brigands and thieves and swineherds
ran off with a passel of screaming ladies
after who knows how many years of no ladies at all
(god knows Roman mythology
is no litany of respectful sweet lovemaking)
and anyway
who knows what happened
because after a while the Sabine women
stood up to their Sabine relatives
to prevent the war of revenge
saying no no it’s cool
we’d rather stay in Rome with these guys
even with all the murder and rape going on
so they did
and that’s how we got Rome.

The moral of the story is if you are a murderous horny demigod
raised on the milk of fucking wolves
you are a badass motherfucker
not afraid of a little state-sponsored rape
to secure your timeless legacy
because no woman will ever again
walk down the streets of Rome
without being leered at
to this very day.

The end.

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To the Desert!

Okay so first of all

on a personal note
I am about to fuck off to the desert
for like a week
and the desert i am fucking off to
does not have a rich and renewable supply of internet
so what I’m going to do
is I’m going to put this fine blog
in your EXTREMELY CAPABLE HANDS
if you have a myth you are super excited about
and you wanna retell it mega sweetly and maybe not use a lot of punctuation
go ahead and email your myth to
renit DOT services AT gmail DOT com
but like
don’t write out the dots and the ats
that would be fucking retarded
there is going to be a guy reading your emails
and he is going to pick the two best ones
and put one up on Thursday
and one up on Saturday
along with a shoutout to whoever wrote it
it’s going to be great
you’ll love it

so anyway in honor of this worthless desert i’m going to
here’s a myth about a worthless fucking desert

so you guys have heard of Jesus, right?
he’s the guy with the beard and shit
so Jesus just decides to fuck off to the middle of the goddamn desert
for 40 days and 40 nights
which is just ancient-talk for
AN INDETERMINATELY LONG TIME
they don’t necessarily mean 40 days
could be sixteen
could be four billion
who fucking knows
the important thing is Jesus decides it would be a great idea
to also not eat anything during this desert fuckscapade
so he is naturally pretty hungry
and he’s crawling around in the desert
feeling miserable
wondering why he makes such bad decisions
when Satan shows up
Satan is like sup Jesus
Jesus is like gggggg so hungry
and Satan is like hey dude are you fucking retarded
you are the son of god
you tell those rocks over there to turn into bread
they’ll be like “whole wheat or gluten free?”
come on do it
and jesus is like I COULD do that
or I could quote some scripture at you
like for example
MAN CANNOT SURVIVE ON BREAD ALONE
and satan is like good point but you’re starving to death
bread is at least one of the things man needs to survive
water’s another good one
you don’t have a lot of that either
but jesus isn’t listening
so satan is like fuck FINE
and teleports jesus to the top of the temple in Jerusalem
and jesus is like WHOA WHAT
and satan is like hey jesus
you know what would be MEGA GNARLY RADICAL TO THE MAX EXTREME
is if you JUMPED OFF THIS TEMPLE
AND RELIED ON GOD’S ANGELS TO CATCH YOU ON THE WAY DOWN
all the people in the streets would be like
DID YOU SEE THAT DUDE
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID
SHIT WAS SO SWEET
I AM GOING INTO MOTHERFUCKING DIABETIC SHOCK RIGHT NOW
and jesus looks down
and sees that it is indeed triple sweet
but then he’s like
NO WAY SATAN
gonna quote scripture again instead
specifically DONT PUT GOD TO THE TEST
and satan is like man
what the fuck is the point of being the physical manifestation of god
if you can’t turn rocks into bread or do wicked flips off temples
but jesus isn’t paying ANY fucking attention
so satan is like ALRIGHT ASSHOLE
BAMF
and he teleports jesus to the top of the highest mountain
and points at all the kingdoms just lying around minding their business
and is like do you see those kingdoms
they’re yours
all of them
all you gotta do
is worship me instead of your dad
and jesus is like no dice satan
and satan is all come on
and he flies jesus around the world
pointing at kingdoms
all like
BANGLADESH? YOURS
ITALY? YOURS
FUCKING MADAGASCAR? NO PROBLEM
dude i can hook you up
what is wrong with you
do you not like getting hooked up
i know i like getting hooked up
do you have some kind of a condition
that makes you like
get upset when totally sweet things are given to you
for almost nothing?
but jesus just waves his arms around and goes
GET AWAY SATAN
literally that is the best thing he can come up with to say
he says
GET AWAY SATAN
CAUSE SCRIPTURE SAYS
WORSHIP THE LORD GOD AND SERVE HIM ONLY
and satan is like shiiiiit son
if all you’re gonna do is read outta yer damn book all day
i’m done here
shit’s boring
so he disappears
and a whole bunch of angels show up
and cook jesus a feast
and then later he gets pretty famous
but then gets nailed to a cross
could have been the leader of all kingdoms ever
kings don’t get crucified too much
just sayin’
so moral of the story?
hail satan.

The end

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Don’t fuck with Artemis

So here’s a short one

I think i mentioned this broad Artemis before
she’s the one who is dedicated to not ever having sexy times
but there are some facts you might not know about her
first of all she is the only goddess with a mother apparently
like Aphrodite came out of dickfoam mixed with seawater
and Athena sprung fully formed from the mind of zeus
but Artemis is the result
of this chick Leto getting banged mercilessly by zeus
so of course Hera found out about this
and tried to kill Leto
and made it illegal for anyone to give her shelter
so finally Leto (aka Latona) ends up on the isle of Delos
and gives birth to twins
the first twin she pops out
is Artemis
and Artemis is immediately like
holy shit mom are you ok?
here let me help you with your childbirth
and midwifes the fuck out of the entire situation right there
at age zero
that is the kind of person she is
her brother is Apollo, lord of the sun
and Artemis gets stuck with the moon
and hunting
and she volunteers to be in charge of childbirth too
or at least easing the pain of childbirth
cause see
she gets so turned off the idea by watching her mom push out apollo
she decides to never have sex ever
also sometimes instead of using her arrows to kill animals
she uses them to ease women’s pain during childbirth
or you know
just kill them during childbirth
so anyway years go by
and this dude Orion gets born
Orion is king shit of all hunters
running around murdering animals and putting them in his mouth
now people have different ideas of what Orion did to piss off Artemis
but everyone agrees that he fucked up
some people say he tries to rape Artemis
which is a big no-no
some people say he wakes up one day
and decides:
welp,
I’m going to kill EVERY ANIMAL IN THE WORLD TODAY
and Artemis gets pissed off because like
what the fuck is she gonna be the goddess of if that happens
and some OTHER PEOPLE say
that Apollo just gets jealous cause Artemis falls in love with Orion
and one day he and Artemis are hanging out
and he sees Orion swimming way out at sea
and is like hey
hey Artemis
bet you can’t hit that floating object out there with your arrows
and Artemis is like YOU’RE ON
and kills Orion totally by accident
Well whatever happens, Orion dies
and then later, Artemis feels pretty bad
because like
he WAS a pretty good hunter
and kind of cute
so she is like sorry dude
here
let me make you into a constellation
and the moral of the story
is either raping is bad
killing all the animals is bad
or swimming in deep water is bad
depending on who you ask
but no matter what
it’s okay
because if you make the gods feel bad enough about it
they will turn you into stars
all is forgiven

The End

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Local father discovers immortality with this one weird tip

So Anansi again

yeah, see, since I just established
that all the stories are belong to Anansi
I figured I should maybe tell more than one story about him
So here goes:
one day anansi is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town
and he gets bored of walking around
and also super thirsty
and he sees this house
he walks up to the house and there is this old man
sitting on the front porch
now when I say old
I mean OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD
this guy makes the crypt keeper look like natalie fucking portman
so anansi walks up to him
and is like excuse me you fugly sonofabitch
can I get some ice cold drinking water
and the old man doesnt say anything
and anansi is like I SAID
CAN I GET SOME DELICIOUS CHILLED WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE
and the old man says nothing
and anansi is like:
please continue sitting silent and motionless
if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge
and the old man says nothing
so anansi goes inside
and has a gay old time
he eats as much food as possible
and then he leaves
he has such a good time doing this
that he comes back the next day
and the next day
just fucking pillaging this dude’s pantry
devouring the watermelons
ravaging the mayo
man i dont know what this dude had in his pantry
i just have no goddamn idea
but whatever it was it must have been good
cause one day anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house
and he is like
thank you so much for this food creepy silent old guy
to thank you, here is my eldest daughter
you guys are married now
enjoy
also make me a sandwich, woman
and he eats the sandwich and then leaves his daughter there and goes home
next day he goes back for more free food
and maybe to see his daughter i guess
but his daughter isn’t there
WHERE DID SHE GO
he knows she likes to play hide of seek
so he starts looking all over the house
in the closets and under the bed and shit
and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place
THE OVEN
and what does he find in there?
THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER
so he runs outside to the old man like
HEY ASSHOLE
WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING
SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE
and the old man FINALLY fucking talks
he’s all:
do you know who i am
I’m death
you showed up at my house
you ate all my food
and then you married me to an ugly fucking spider chick
without my consent
and through all of this i remained motionless
and refused to stop you or interact with you for some reason
but still this is TOTALLY YOUR FAULT
so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER
and now I am also going to eat YOU
and Anansi is like shit
no
I like not having consequences for my actions
this seems like a consequence this is terrible
and he starts running
he figures death is prolly pretty slow
given how old he is
but no
he’s keeping up
and anansi starts getting tired
and is like fuck what do i do
I KNOW
I’LL CLIMB A TREE!
so he climbs a tree
and he’s about to jump to another tree
when he looks down
and sees death just standing there
because guess what guys
DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES
this i guess explains why squirrels are immortal?
I mean come on
this is the personification of DEATH
the inescapable end that pursues us all
and he is helpless when confronted with
A TREE
well i guess he’s not totally helpless
because he basically just stands at the bottom of the tree
and chucks everything in arm’s reach at anansi
like a rock
and some sticks
and a shoe
so that basically puts death
to the level
of the kids i used to throw dirt at
from my treehouse
when I was FIVE
anyway eventually death runs out of shit to throw
and goes to find more shit
at which point anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house
screaming HEY HEY
WIFE AND KIDS
CLIMB UP TO THE CIELING
DEATH IS COMING
MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY
I AM THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER
and his wife is like
WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR CHILDREN
STARVING ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF
and anansi is like FINE
I’LL take them up to the ceiling MYSELF
so he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling
and death runs in after him
and sees everyone up on the ceiling
and can’t do a thing about it
except pull up a chair
and grab a burlap sack
and just sit there
waiting
so it’s not too long
before one of anansi’s kids
his youngest son
starts losing his grip on the ceiling
which to me
means that this is a family of pretty shitty spiders
since when has a spider had ceiling problems?
spiders live on my fucking ceiling
the only explanation
is that these spiders are like
reverse spiderman
with all the disadvantages of a spider
coupled with all the disadvantages of a man
so this kid is like DADDY HELP
and anansi is like FUCKING HOLD ON JUNIOR
IF YOU FALL DEATH WILL EAT YOU
so junior falls
and death catches him
and is like
i’m only after your dad, kid
but i’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack
then anansi’s youngest daughter falls off
and the same thing happens
and again and again
until it’s just anansi up there
and he’s about to lose his grip
when he goes WAIT
DEATH
I am SOOOO FAT
from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD
if I fall to the floor
i’m totally going to explode on impact
and then what are you gonna eat?
spider guts?
gross
what you should do
is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen
and put it under me
so when i fall
you get a nice breading on me
and death is like dur ok
just let me leave you alone in the room real quick
and anansi is like FUCK YES
while he is busy moving the flour I am totally going to escape
man I am such a genius holy shit
but by the time anansi is done congratulating himself
death walks back in with the barrel
and puts it under anansi
and anansi is like fuck
once again my tremendous ego has boned me
but all is not lost
because when death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered
anansi drops down on the back of his head
which freaks him out
because
you know
spider on his head
and in the resulting confusion
and flour-induced blindness
anansi is able to grab his wife and kids in the sack
and run out the door
and he’s been escaping death ever since
actually that’s why there’s spider webs on the ceiling everywhere
to avoid death
who has apparently not figured out ladders
so now you know guys
the secret to immortality
duct tape yourself to the ceiling

You’re welcome.

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HEY AFRICA

Holy shit guys

apparently i should have told this myth a while ago
because according to this myth
which is from africa by the way
before this story happened
there were no stories
at all
this is the origin story
of STORIES
alright so
there’s this god of the sky
his name is Nyame
he has all the stories
and thats pretty lame
because he doesnt tell any of them
so this spider anansi
the character spiderman is based on
is like mannnn
living is boring
i wish i had some stories
specifically
i wish I had all the stories
and i wish most of them were about me
maybe even all of them
so he goes to nyame and is like
how much for all your stories
and nyame is like hm
well im not really using these stories
and i dont really need anything else
because i am the god
of the motherfucking SKY
so how about i just name a bunch of deadly predators
much larger and stronger than you
and you bring them all to me
i dont even know what im gonna do with them
probably set them free or some shit
i am basically just trying to make your life hard
to entertain myself
because its not like i have all the stories to amuse myself with or anything
so bring me a python
a leopard
a fuckton of hornets
and a dwarf
see? africa doesnt like dwarves either
stumpy gold-fucking parasites
so anyway anansi agrees
because he has nothing better to do
and goes out to capture some animals
first he hits up this python Onini
what he does is he stands outside Onini’s house
and loudly debates with his wife whether Onini is longer than a palm branch
and onini
who places incredible importance on trivial bullshit
comes out of his house like guys
guys
i am totally longer than a palm branch
and anansi is like ok lie down next to this branch
and onini does
but he has a hard time being totally straight
har har
so anansi is like
hey man its hard to tell accurately how big you are
unless you are totally straight
let me help you
by tying you to the palm branch
and onini is like dur ok
and anansi ties him to the branch
and then brings him to nyame
then anansi goes out and digs a big hole
in the middle of the jungle
and Osebo the leopard comes walking along
not paying any attention to his surroundings
and falls into the hole
anansi runs over like hey man
looks like you are inside of a hole
allow me to help you out of there with my spider webs
and Osebo is like dur ok
and by the time anansi has helped him out
he has also helped him to become completely tangled in webs
and he takes Osebo to Nyame
then he goes and finds a hornet’s nest
full of Mmoboro hornets
and he takes a calabash
which is a big hollowed out gourd
that kinda looks like tits if you turn it sideways
and he fills it with water
and starts dumping it all over the hornet’s nest like
HORNETS
HORNETS
ITS FUCKING RAINING
GET OUT GET OUT
GONNA DIE HORNETS
GONNA DIE
and the hornets are like SHIT WHERE DO WE GO
and anansi is like I HAVE THE PERFECT SOLUTION
GET INTO THIS GOURD THAT LOOKS LIKE TITS
IT IS THE ONLY WAY
so the hornets are like dur ok
and fly into the gourd
and anansi plugs it up
and brings it to Nyame
so 3 down 1 to go
anansi still has to capture this dwarf Mmoatia
who hangs out with all the other dwarves under the odum tree
so what anansi does
is he makes a fake dwarf out of like spiderwebs and grass or something
and covers it in like sticky taffy
and then puts it under the odum tree
along with a big bowl of nutritious yarn
so Mmoatia sees this bowl of yarn next to this fake dwarf
and is like YUM YARN
I LOVE EATING STUPID INEDIBLE BULLSHIT
BECAUSE I AM A DWARF
AND GOLD HAS BEEN SCARCE LATELY
and she eats all the yarn
and then is like thank you strange silent dwarf
for giving me this precious foodstuff
and the fake dwarf is like

and mmoatia is like hey
arent you gonna say you’re welcome
and the fake dwarf is like

and probably falls over
because it is an inanimate fucking object
and this offends mmoatia so much
she is like ILL TEACH YOU TO NOT SAY YOURE WELCOME
TO THE PERSON WHO JUST ATE ALL YOUR DELICIOUS YARN
and she smacks the taffydwarf upside the head
and her hand gets stuck
and mmoatia is like DURR I’LL TEACH YOU TO STICK TO MY HAND
and smacks it with her other hand
and that gets stuck too
at which point anansi shows and is like
man i was gonna wait for you to kick it too
but this is just too painful to watch
come on lets go see nyame
and nyame is like THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THIS USELESS BULLSHIT ANANSI
HERE
HAVE ALL THE STORIES
and now anansi has a ton of stories
most of them are about him
some of them arent
but they still belong to him
like if anyone else tries to make a movie
bam
anansi is right there
demanding his royalties
so guys
the moral of the story is
you are going to need to take advantage
of the stupidity of your animal pals
in order to make it in the entertainment industry

The End.

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Don’t Go Changin’ on Me

So back to Zeus and the people he puts his dick in

this story actually has a twist
which i am going to give away right now:
in this story
ZEUS DOES NOT GET LAID
guys
this is like
if you were watching a movie
starring action hero BRUCE WILLIS
and he failed to die AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
or if you were watching a movie
starring kung fu legend BRUCE LEE
and he did not kick anyone in the face
or like
if you were watching LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER
starring suicidal miracle machine JACKIE CHAN
and in the first scene everyone joined alcoholics anonymous
shit is straight up UNTHINKABLE
but i assure you it is true
it is true for a very good reason
see zeus has his eye on this choice piece of ass
this sea nymph thetis
only problem is
his brother poseidon has his eyes on this same piece of ass
and he actually has a pretty good argument why he should bone her
seeing as she is a SEA nymph
and not a POLYGAMOUS LIGHTNING nymph
but zeus is king of the gods and a horndog asshole
so he gets into a fight with poseidon
and finally they are like you know what
lets just ask the oracle at delphi
cause she always says SUCH HELPFUL THINGS
so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like
guess what
if thetis ever gets preggers
and has a baby
that baby is gonna be more powerful than his dad
and zeus is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
either I can singlehandedly invent birth control
or I can completely fuck up the divine chain of command
I LIKE being king
and i am too busy getting pussy to be a scientist
you can have her poseidon
and poseidon is like fuck no
i dont want no emasculating demon son
you fuck her
and zeus is like agh fine you know what
how about neither of us fuck her
i happen to owe a favor to this dude Peleus
he’s a friend of my son hercules
how about we just marry thetis off to peleus
and poseidon is like sounds good to me
so zeus and poseidon are like sup peleus
we heard your last wife just killed herself
because this other chick was jealous of your marriage
and told your wife you were gonna fuck a twelve year old
want a new wife?
and peleus is like well im still pretty broken up over my dead wife
and zeus is like this chick is hot man
and peleus is like
what do i gotta do
and zeus is like oh its simple
just go find her on this beach where she hangs out
and put her in a chokehold
and dont let go no matter what
bam
new wife
see what no one is really acknowledging here
is that zeus doesnt REALLY have the authority
to marry thetis off to anyone
all he can do really is give peleus some tips and tricks
in the art of raping
and also a crash course
in the science
of raping
so peleus goes to this beach and finds thetis totally naked sunbathing
and jumps out from behind a dune like
GOTCHA WOMAN WHAT NOW
and thetis is like HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO FIRE
and peleus is like THETIS MY WIFE IS DEAD I NEED A NEW WIFE
and he suffers some serious burns but keeps on holding on
and thetis is like WELL HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO WATER
and peleus is like THETIS I NEED TO GET LAID REAL BAD
and he is so desperate for lovin’ that he manages to hold onto WATER
and thetis is like OKAY IM A LION NOW
and peleus is like I DIDNT LET GO WHEN YOU WERE FIRE
WHY WOULD I LET GO OF A PANSY-ASS LION
and thetis is like SEA SERPENT
and peleus is like MORE LIKE SEMEN SERPENT
HAHA GET IT
I AM SO UNCONCERNED ABOUT THIS
THAT I AM MAKING SEXUAL INNUENDO
and at that point thetis is just like fuck this
id rather marry you than listen to any more of this bullshit
so they get married
and have a kid
no one important
just some dude named ACHILLES
and thetis is like you know what
i dont see any point in having a kid
who is not totally invincible
so im going to take this baby
and dip him in the river styx
and every part of him that goes underwater will be invincible
but hm
i have to hold him by something so he wont get swept away
and drown in the river of death
that would kind of defeat the purpose
so she holds him by his heel
and dips him into the water
keeping his heel totally vincible
the ultimate weak spot
and that is why
to this day
if you are trying to become invincible
you need to make a giant version of one of those wire loops you use when you’re dying easter eggs
dont fuck around

the end.

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Ragnarok: Better than 2012

Bad news guys

in this myth all the norse gods die
yeah this is the big one
the end of the goddamn world
so basically the first thing thats gonna tip everyone off
that the world is ending
is this thing called Fimbulvetr
which just means
THE WINTER OF WINTERS
and it seriously is
a winter
made of MULTIPLE WINTERS
like
there is going to be a winter
and then once that winter is finished
there will be ANOTHER WINTER
and then after that
will it be spring?
think again son
MORE WINTER
so this is basically going to have the effect
of pissing off everyone in the world
and turning them into assholes
everyone will start fighting everyone
because its just gonna be so cold
for so long
everything is going to start to really suck
then finally after that goes on for a while
this wolf Skoll
who is one of the sons of Fenrir
is gonna eat the sun
then fenrir’s other kid Hati will eat the moon
because he’s a fucking copycat
then the cock Fjalar will crow to the giants
all like TIME FOR WAR MOTHERFUCKERS
and the golden cock Gullinkambi will yell the same thing at the gods
and then a third cock will raise the dead
hehe
cock
THEN
there’s gonna be A WHOLE BUNCH OF EARTHQUAKES
and this is going to have the effect
of finally releasing evil wolf bastard Fenrir
from his shitty underground prison
and his bottom jaw is gonna touch the earth
and his top jaw is gonna touch the sky
and his eyes are going to be on FIRE
and theres gonna be a whole bunch of tsunamis and shit too
because Jormungand
the midgard serpent
who holds up the world
and is also another one of loki’s horrible children
is going to start having siezures all over the ocean
on its way to fuck up the land
and not only that
but he’s going to breathe poison all over everthing constantly
completely destroying all the air
and all the land
and all the waves caused by the serpent
are gonna set free this ship called Naglfar
full of giants
ready to romp and stomp everyone
and another ship is gonna set sail from hell
with all the dead people on it
and Loki is gonna be driving it
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to do with him
at this point
and guess who else is coming to the party
FIRE GIANTS
ALL THE FIRE GIANTS
what are fire giants you ask?
I dont know maybe giants MADE OF FIRE
the sole purpose of whom is to show up
at this EXACT MOMENT
lead by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING
so then this dude Heimdall
who is the god of light
and the son of nine chicks
and has gold teeth and can see a hundred miles
is going to blow his horn
signaling that SHIT
is finally about to get REAL
and odin and all the other gods
and all the elves
and dwarves
and demons
and basically just anything ever
are going to ride onto this one battlefield
called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other to pieces
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like NOOOO
and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half
which is pretty appropriate because Vidar
is the god of revenge
meanwhile thor is gonna fight Jormungand
because they have unfinished business
from the time thor tried to lift it cause he thought it was a cat
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison
is gonna kill HIM
and Surt is just gonna run up
and pick the weakest looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is unarmed and a pussy
then Tyr is gonna look around like
shit i need to kill someone to prove how badass i am
how about this terrible wolf GARM
and he kills it
despite the fact he only has one hand
but then Garm also kills him
and also Heimdall kills Loki
FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall
so that will suck
and on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire
in every direction
burning everything
so it wont even really matter if you survive the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick
who will just be sleeping in this indestructible forest
during this whole thing
guys i dont understand why everybody doesnt just like
hang out
in the INDESTRUCTIBLE FOREST
that would seriously minimize some casualties
just saying
anyway when its all over
and the earth dives underwater to try and put out all the fire
and then comes back up again all fresh and new
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate the world
and everything is going to be great forever
what i think we can take away from this myth
is that no matter who you are
or what religion you believe in
its really important to believe in the apocalypse
because then no matter how shitty your life is
you can always imagine
that maybe the world will end before you die
and you will get to be part of something super important
and your lack of achievements will not matter
and no one else will outlive you either
woo

the end.

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ENOUGH with the cows

Remember Loki?

I bet you do
he’s that hair-stealing
eating-contest-losing motherfucker
who is pretty much responsible
for every bad thing
that happens in the norse universe
so here’s another entry
on the list of ways loki fucked up everything
one day he’s wandering around jotunheim
where all the giants live
and he sees this chick AngrboĆ°a
pronounced
ANGER
BOW
THE
and he is like welp
i know she’s pretty ugly
and a giantess
and her name is kind like an anagram
of THE ANGER BOW
but you know what
i’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids
are going to be horrible beasts
ultimately responsible for the end of the world
i see no problems with this
so he gets busy
i’ll talk about all the kids eventually
but right now lets just focus on the first kid
a giant wolf named Fenrir
now loki has fenrir
and brings him to Asgard
and all the gods are like holy fuck what is that
and they instantly know that this wolf
is gonna be the death of them
but instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they dont want to hurt loki’s feelings
so this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass
to actually go near the wolf
and fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like
um guys
we should really do something about this wolf
so what they do
is they make a big metal chain
this chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right
until they give it a name
that name is Leyding
so they go up to fenrir like hey man
i bet you totally can’t break out of this chain
if you let us tie you up with it
and fenrir is like oh yeah
and the Aesir are like yeah
and fenrir is like ok bring it
so they tie him up
and he pretty much just flexes a little
and the chains break like cobwebs
and fenrir gets famous
and the gods are like fuck
that backfired
ok lets make a better chain
so they make a chain
TWO TIMES AS STRONG
as Leyding
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to fenrir like hey
HEY
bet you can’t break THIS chain
and fenrir is like
i dont know if i want to let you tie me up again
and the gods are like do you want to be double famous
breaking this chain would totally make you double famous
and fenrir is like ugh ok
so he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little
but the chain doesnt break
so then he kicks the chain
and it does break
and the gods are all like DAMMIT
ok we definitely need a better chain
somebody call some dwarves
so the dwarves are like ok
the mistake you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain
out of ordinary things
like metal
instead of abstract concepts
like the sound of a cat’s footfall
so what the dwarves do
is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman
- remember these are dwarves
their BEARDS have beards -
and the breath of a fish
and the spit of a bird
so thats why you cant hear cats walking around
and mountains dont have roots
and fish dont breathe
and birds dont spit
but like
i think bears still probably have sinews
and i have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so i guess the dwarves were not that thorough
but anyway
somehow they manage to like
synthesize all this shit
into the ultimate chain
except its not a chain
its a ribbon
called gleipnir
it is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to fenrir
and are like i bet you cant get out of this ribbon
and fenrir is like come ON guys
there is no fame to be gained
from breaking a fucking little girl’s pretty bow
and i dont think youd even be asking me to break this
if you had not magicked up some ridiculous bullshit
that means i will like
lose my balls
or my face will come off
when you tie me up
and the gods are like no no no
why would we do that
what do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something
we just thought
that if the great wolf fenrir
was too much of a pussy to let himself get tied up
by a fucking pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you
thats all
and fenrir is like FUCK
FINE
but i seriously dont trust you guys
so how about i’ll let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth
as collateral
and all the gods are like um well
uh
and then Tyr is like i’ll do it
because he’s a fucking badass
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous pansies all his friends are
so then they tie fenrir up
and fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like DAMMIT
and bites of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at fenrir
except for tyr
because he just got his hand bit off
and then fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth
to keep it open forever
and fenrir drools
which makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” in norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
because actually that is what the norse prophecy says
is that eventually
at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose
and eat odin
so i guess the moral of the story really is
hang in there
and also that if you have a friend like loki
who fucks giants and keeps bringing home mutant babies
stop hanging out with that friend

the end

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