Let’s beat the shit out of the sun

Hey guys
hope you enjoyed Odin week
because it SURE AIN’T ODIN WEEK ANYMORE MOTHERFUCKERS
and actually right now
I need you guys to help me make a decision
this thursday
do you want
MORE NORSE MYTHS
or do you want A TAOIST FABLE
because i can do either
i’m versatile
let me know with your comments

anyway today I am not going to do either of those things
today
I am going to tell a myth from NEW ZEALAND
AND HAWAII
AND A BUNCH OF PLACES

it’s really infuriating actually
i spent all day reading different versions of this myth
and after like the fifth fucking one
I decided you know what
I am just going to make my own version of this myth
using a skill i learned in junior high school
called SYNTHESIS
so prepare for a sweet synth remix
of how Maui fucked up the sun’s shit

okay now when I say Maui
I do not mean the place in hawaii
with sweet beaches and whatnot
i am talking about a dude
probably the most badass hero ever
who one day decides
HEY
THE SUN MOVES ACROSS THE SKY TOO
FUCKING
FAST
WE NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DAYLIGHT
TO GET JACK OR SHIT DONE
I AM GOING TO GO TELL HIM TO STOP THAT

and this dude Moemoe is like psh
you are one stupid motherfucker
no one can say shit to the sun
least of all you
you are just an idle nobody
and Maui says oh ok
well after I’m done beating the shit out of the sun
and making everyone’s lives better
I’m going to come back here
and I’m going to kill you for doubting me
how do you like them apples
because I am the biggest most independent man
EVER

so then he goes to his mom’s house
where he lives
and is like hey mom
gonna go catch the sun
got any tips?
and his mom is like are you sure you can do this?
and Maui is like yeah i am mega strong
and his mom is like oh ok
well it so happens i know exactly how to do this shit
here
take these fifteen ropes
and go to where your grandma lives
at the crater of Haleakala
(hawaiian place names are pretty easy to pronounce
but a bitch to remember)
see your grandma goes out at like 5AM every night
to cook bananas for the sun
your grandma is a little bit crazy maui
i need you to understand that
anyway what you need to do
is steal all the bananas
and then when she asks who the fuck stole her bananas
just say you’re my son
trust me it’ll be cool

so Maui goes to the crater of Haleakala
and he hides behind a rock
and eventually his grandma comes out
with a bunch of bananas
which she intends to roast for the sun
so she breaks off some bananas from the bunch
and Maui is like YOINK BITCH
and she is like dammit where are my bananas
oh well
must be my senility acting up again
and she breaks off some more bananas
and Maui steals the fuck out of them
and this keeps happening
over and over again
until all the bananas are gone
at which point maui’s grandma is finally like
okay someone is definitely stealing my bananas
because i used to have bananas
and now i have NO BANANAS
and maui is like oh hey yeah it was me
i’m your daughter’s son
and his grandma is like oh snap
what the fuck are you doing here
and why have you stolen all my bananas
which is a great sentence to hear out of context

anyway Maui is like well
i am here to kill the sun
because he moves too fast
so we never get anything accomplished
seriously we have like a three minute day
followed by 23 hours and 57 minutes of night
what the fuck right?
and his grandma is like oh well in that case
take this extra rope
and this axe
I know i was about to cook some bananas for the sun
but now I am going to totally do a 180
and help you kill him instead
did your mom tell you i was crazy
and maui is like yes
yes she did
and grandma is like ok cool
well basically when you see the sun come over that ridge
lasso one of his legs
and then just keep lassoing his legs
til you get all of them
and he is stuck
and then i guess you can kill him
or interrogate him
or whatever

so maui crouches behind a bush
he spends a lot of time in this myth crouching behind things
and when he sees the sun’s first leg
he lassos it
but PLOT TWIST
the sun just keeps right on trucking
so Maui yanks really hard
and PULLS OFF THE SUN’S FUCKING LEG
only problem is
the sun has like THIRTY MORE LEGS
or like thirty two or something
sixteen strong ones and sixteen weak ones
also known as arms

anyway Maui is not discouraged
he just keeps lassoing those strong legs
and pulling them off
and breaking them
and pulling them off
just brutally disfiguring the sun
until he has pulled off all sixteen big legs
and the sun is like whoa man what the fuck
just
what the fuck
and maui is like haha i crippled you bitch
i won’t give you back your legs til you agree to go slower
and give us some actual fucking daylight
and the sun is like are you retarded
you TORE OFF MY LEGS
giving them back is not going to help
you removed them from my body
I can’t use them anymore
except maybe as like
the grossest crutches ever
dude, how fast do you think i can move across the sky
minus SIXTEEN LEGS
not very fast, let me tell you
so great job asshole
mission accomplished
i’m going to go limp across hawaii now
or wherever we are
because this myth is from all over the place

so maui is pretty pleased with himself
and to celebrate
he goes back home
and kills moemoe
the guy who doubted him
and then he turns him into a rock
and leaves him there
and everyone has plenty of daylight forever

so the moral of the story is
who needs time management
when you have violence

The end.

Share

Odin is the life of the party

Who here likes booze

me
I like booze
and if you like booze
you will be THRILLED TO HEAR
about this mythical type of superbooze
the dwarves invented back in the day
it is called MAGICAL MEAD
it has only two ingredients
honey
and HUMAN BLOOD
but not just any blood
this is the blood of none other
than KVASIR THE POET
GUYS GUESS WHAT HE DOES
HE’S A POET
IT SAYS SO RIGHT IN HIS NAME
and not only is he a poet
but he’s a super good poet
so good
that drinking his blood
(as long as its mixed with honey)
not only gets you ten new varieties of shitfaced
it also gives you ultimate wisdom
and makes you speak beautiful words all the time
or maybe it just gets you so fucked up you think diamonds are coming out of your mouth
either way
pretty sweet stuff
bummer about Kvasir though

see what the dwarves do
being the little goldfucking assholes they are
is they bring Kvasir down to their caves
and murder him
and take his blood
all like HAHA GOT YOUR BLOOD ASSHOLE
and then they mix it with honey
and bam
magic mead
i hope that i am a good enough writer
that one day
dwarves will murder me
and drink my blood for wisdom

anyway the dwarves spend a good chunk of time
just becoming deliriously wrecked on this illicit substance
to the point
where they become convinced
that they are the hottest shit
ever to hit the fan
see all this bullshit about dwarves having like
THE highest alcohol tolerance
that is clearly bullshit
look how tiny they are
guys
they’re all just alcoholics
tiny filthy ring raping alcoholics
but i digress

the dwarves go up to the surface
to jotunheim
all like hehehe let’s prank some giants
so they find this one dumbass giant
Gilling
and they are like hey gilling let’s go for a boat ride
and gilling is like dur ok
and the dwarves are like HAHA PRANKED
WE’RE GONNA CRASH THE BOAT INTO A ROCK
AND YOU’RE GOING TO DROWN
AND WE’RE GOING TO FLOAT AIMLESSLY ON THE WRECKAGE
UNTIL A CURRENT CARRIES US TO SHORE
GOD WE ARE SO CLEVER
and then they probably throw up all over the place
because these dudes
they are dudes with drinking problems

anyway they are so titilated by this prank
hehe titillated
that they decide to prank Gilling’s wife too
so they show up at her house like
HEY
HEY GILLING’S WIFE
YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD
and gilling’s wife is all NOOOOOO
and runs out of the house crying and clapping for some reason
and the dwarves are all hiding over her door
and they drop a big rock on her head
killing her
BAM
INSTANT COMEDY

they probably would have kept getting drunk and killing giants
making them basically just like
tiny shitty aesir
only it turns out that not all giants are TOTAL RETARDS
for example, Gilling’s brother Suttung
sneaks up on the dwarves while they are busy singing a song they wrote
called LALALA FUCK GIANTS WE DONE KILLED TWO AND ALSO A POET
i tell you
this mead is some MAGIC SHIT
anyway Suttung grabs their asses
well not actually their asses
their whole bodies
in fact, like five of their whole bodies
in each of his massive fucking hands
and he wades out to sea
and puts them all on a rock
and the tide is rising
and Suttung is standing there like guys
guess who is going to drown from the rising tide first
it is going to be you
because you are way shorter than me
and the dwarves are like PLEASE NO
WE WILL GIVE YOU GOLD
ALSO JEWELS
ACTUALLY THE GOLD MIGHT BE A LITTLE STICKY WHEN WE GIVE IT TO YOU
YOU CAN STILL HAVE IT THOUGH

and suttung is like fuck no eww
what do i need that shit for
I’m a giant
i fuck GIANTS
not inanimate objects
and the dwarves are like OH YEAH WELL HOW BOUT SOME MAGIC MEAD
and suttung is like magic mead you say?
that could be extremely helpful for getting very drunk
i mean
for fighting the aesir
gimme
so he holds a couple dwarves hostage and they give him the mead
and he hides it in a cave
and turns his beautiful daughter into a fugly witch
so she will have nothing better to do than guard the mead forever

ok so plot twist
turns out that ALL OF THAT WAS BACKSTORY
because years later Odin FINALLY SHOWS UP
as Vegtam the wanderer
with the one eye and the wisdom and everything
he’s wandering past a field and he sees some dudes cutting wheat
and one of the dudes is like hey man
go tell Baugi in the castle up there that i can’t cut this wheat
i need to sharpen my scythe
this is bullshit
and Odin is like oh no problem use MY whetstone
and the dude is like aww fuck
i was just trying to get a quick break
but ok
and he sharpens his scythe
and then he cuts some wheat
and holy shit man
that wheat is well and truly CUT
so all the other eight dudes working there
are like GIMME
and odin is like fine whatever
and just tosses the stone into the field
and leaves them to fight over it
so Odin shows up at Baugi’s place
(baugi happens to be suttang’s brother by the way)
and he is like yo give me food
so they do
and while odin is eating dinner
a messenger comes in like Baugi
Baugi
all of our wheat dudes just killed each other with scythes
i guess they were fighting over a whetstone or something
and Odin is like haha suckers
hey Baugi do you need a wheat dude
i am pro at wheat

and Baugi is like pish posh my friend
i need nine wheat dudes
not just one
and Odin is like i can do nine wheat dudes worth of work
just watch me
and so baugi watches odin
do the work of nine men
for the ENTIRE season
and then is like alright what do i owe you
and Odin is like oh nothing
just A DRAUGHT OF THE MAGIC MEAD
and Baugi is like shit really?
ok lemme ask my bro

so Baugi goes to ask Suttang for the mead
and Suttang is like DUMBASS
WHO DO YOU THINK THAT GUY IS?
DO YOU THINK HE’S NINE GUYS
OR DO YOU THINK HE’S A FUCKING AESIR
BZZZZZ
TIME’S UP
HE’S A FUCKING AESIR IDIOT
DON’T BE GIVING NO MEAD TO THE FUCKING AESIR

so baugi goes back to odin like sorry dude no dice
and Odin is like bitch you still owe me big time
I am GETTING that mead
help me break into the cave where it is hid
and baugi is like fuck all i wanted was some harvested wheat
i did not sign up for this shit
this is why you always get a contract ahead of time
but ok

so baugi takes odin to the cave where the mead is
and there’s a huge rock blocking it
and he’s like sorry man
can’t move that
and odin hands him a hand-powered drill
and is like make it work bitch
and then stands there leaning on his staff
lookin’ all cool
while Baugi works his ass off trying to drill through stone
and after a bunch of hours
baugi is like ok done
and odin goes over and blows in the hole
and stone dust hits him in the face
and he’s like BITCH WHAT IS THIS
YOU DIDN’T DRILL ALL THE WAY THROUGH
NOW DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE THROUGH THIS ROCK
OR DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE TO PUSSYVILLE
WHAT DID IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I SAID IT MOTHERFUCKER
GET BACK TO WORK
and baugi is like jeeze fine
and keeps drilling
and eventually he makes a hole all the way through
and is like there happy?
and odin is like yes but OH SHIT LOOK OVER THERE
and baugi is like what
and odin turns into a snake and goes into the hole
then baugi turns back around
and is like OH SHIT SNAKE
KILL IT
but he misses
like an asshole
and odin gets inside

inside, odin hears Suttang’s ugly daughter Gunnlod
crying because she is so ugly
and has to live in a cave
and has no friends or anything
she sees odin as a snake and is like
BOY I SURE HOPE YOU ARE POISONOUS
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING TO KILL MYSELF FOR A BIT
and odin is like nope just king of the gods right here
and Gunnlod is like OH FUCK NO YOU CANT HAVE THE MEAD
and odin is like what if i make you pretty again
and then he starts making out with her
and it turns her beautiful
sweet deal
must be great to be Odin
just start making out with any chick and bam
instant playmate

anyway in exchange for the mystical cosmetic surgery
Gunnlod lets odin take the mead
and they get lost in the cave for like 3 days trying to get out
maybe fuck each other a bit
and then they split up
with Gunnlod singing to everyone about how great Odin is
because she’s a great singer
because she had nothing to do in the cave but get wrecked on magic mead
and meanwhile odin imprisons the dwarves who made the mead
in their caves
forever
and then shares the mead with all the people of midgard
because i don’t care whether that cup is full of straight gin
or human fucking blood
you are not wasting good booze
that is the lesson

the end.

Share

BONUS

(If you are lazy or dont like reading
this chick read this myth out loud for you
here:
ON YOUTUUUUBE)

Okay so I guess you guys posted enough comments
I GUESS
JUST BARELY
so I’ll do your fucking Freyja myth
in fact
I’m gonna do you one better
I’m going to do you a myth
about Freyja
and Thor (whose day i neglected yesterday)
and Loki (who some dude requested)
so BAM
takin’ ALL your requests

speaking of which
you know the thing at the top of this page that says
“I take requests and I punch babies so watch out”
well lately
I have had to double up on my baby-punching
cause there have been NO
FUCKING
REQUESTS
so get on that guys
that is what the comments section is for
Anyway, Freyja-day

But there’s a problem
see
there is some debate in the scholarly community
over whether Frigga
and Freyja
are THE SAME PERSON
some people say they aren’t
well guess what scholars
FUCK YOU
because Freyja has ALL THE INTERESTING STORIES
but I’m pretty sure friday is named after Frigga
so we’re just going to have to make
THE MOST BRUTAL COMPROMISE

So Thor right,

he’s sleeping one night
prolly dreaming about
like
lightning and murder
specifically giantmurder
cause that’s what you do when you’re an aesir
and he wakes up
and is like man that was a good dream
bout to go beat the shit out of some giants
OH SHIT
WHERE IS MY HAMMER
OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DAISIES
LOOOOOKIIIIIIIII

and loki shows up like i didn’t do it
i mean hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
and Loki is like oh shit
I actually seriously didn’t do that
for once
here dude
let me help you find it
let’s go see Freyja

so they go see Freyja
and freyja is like hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and Freya is like shut the fuck up man
we can solve this mystery
Loki did you steal the hammer
and Loki is like nope
and Freyja is like fuck well I’m out of ideas then
and Loki is like WAIT UP
FREYJA
how about you lend me your cloak of feathers
the one that lets you fly
so I can fly over to the land of the giants
and ask them where they hid thor’s hammer
because
as you know
if it wasn’t me
it was definitely the giants

And freyja is like sure man
i trust you absolutely
now that you’ve personally assured me
that you didn’t steal mjolnir
here
take my super valuable cloak
so Loki takes it
and flies all the way to Jotunheim
and surprisingly
FAILS TO STEAL THE CLOAK ANYWHERE ALONG THE WAY
and instead glides right up to the king of the giants
or at least some really rich giant
named Thrym
who is just sitting up on a mountain
with some hounds
on gold leashes
maybe chillin in a champagne jacuzzi i dunno
and he is like yo loki my man whats good
you here to fuck some more large women
and Loki is like
not today my man
hey
you didn’t happen to steal mjolnir did you?
and Thrym is like HAHA YOU GOT ME
AND GUESS WHAT
I BURIED IT
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK
UNLESS I GET TO MARRY FREYJA
SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SUCK IT
AND SEE WHAT COMES OUT
CAUSE IT SURE AIN’T GONNA BE MJOLNIR
NOT UNLESS WHAT YOU PUT IN THAT PIPE IS FREYJA
IN A BRIDAL GOWN
AND THEN YOU PASS THAT PIPE TO ME
JUST LIKE I SAID BEFORE
BUT LESS ABSTRACTLY

So loki flies back to Freyja and Thor
who are both like HOLY SHIT LOKI
DID YOU FORGET TO STEAL THAT CLOAK OR SOMETHING
BECAUSE IT IS STILL CLEARLY ON YOUR BACK
IT IS LIKE YOU ARE SUDDENLY
RESPECTING PEOPLES’ POSSESSIONS AND SHIT
and Loki is like what I don’t steal things
what are you talking about
listen I can get mjolnir back
it’s super easy
here Freyja put on this dress
and then you just gotta go rub your vagina on this giant
just right quick
and bam
free hammer

and Freyja is just like HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
NO
what do you think I am some kind of slut
Thor you do it
and thor is like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
way jose
what do i look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker
some kind of effeminate sonofabitch all prancing around
picking flowers
not crushing woodland creatures
bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH
SHIT WOULD GROW BACK
THAT IS HOW MANLY I AM

and Freyja is like yes thor we all understand
but you know
if you dont get that hammer back
who is going to kill all the giants
no one
those giants are going to remain woefully unkilled
all hanging out over there in jotunheim
with their gold
and champagne baths
and large women
and thor is like I WON’T ALLOW IT
and loki is like so you’ll put on this dress?
and thor is like fuck
FINE

so they pull out ALL the fucking stops
this is like pimp my ride for drag queens right here
they give him a dress
and Freyja’s pretty necklace
and some housekeys
cause apparently there is some tradition
where after the wedding
they lock you out of a house
and you have to get inside
or you’re officially divorced or something
and a veil and all that shit
and Thor just feels
SO
FUCKING
PRETTY
but he won’t let anyone know
cause he’s thor alright

and then Loki gets jealous of how pretty thor is
and is like I wanna dress up too
and Freyja is like alright
you can be her i mean his maid
and go with him
and be like his wingman or whatever
is there a female version of wingman
is it just wingwoman
that sounds kind of awkward
i’m coining a new phrase
titcaptain
tell your friends

so Loki and thor show up at Thrym’s place
and thrym is like aww hell yeah
for many years i have been super rich
but in all that time
i have never been super rich AND married to Freyja
you’re moving up in the world Thrym old boy
here Freyja come into my hall let’s eat
and thor is like
hell
yes
and he eats an entire ox
and then eight salmon
and all the little cakes and shit they can bring him
and chugs a ton of mead
until Thrym is like whoa
whoa baby
might wanna slow down there
and Loki is like no man it’s totally cool
he i mean she didn’t eat for the last eight days
cause she was SO EXCITED
about your DICK
so Thrym is like oh ok

so he thinks about that
and he is like man
i really wanna kiss my bride
i want it real bad guys
here let me take a look at your beautiful
OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
cause see he pulls up thor’s veil
and he sees his eyes
flaming with pure black hatred
and that is not what he is looking for
and he is like MY WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE
and loki is like no man
no its fine
she just hasnt slept for the last eight days
cause she was SO FUCKING EXCITED
about your dick
like i said
honestly i dunno how she’s even alive
except i guess for the whole goddess thing

so then this random chick busts into the room
one of Thrym’s daughters or something
and is like FREYJA GIVE ME A WEDDING GIFT
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED
GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD
and thor is like bitch what the fuck is red gold
what am I a fucking dwarf
hey Thrym I want wedding gift actually
how about some mjolnir over here
and Thrym is like ANYTHING YOU SAY HONEY
and goes and digs up mjolnir
and puts it in Thor’s lap
and thor is like OH IT IS PARTY TIME NOW MOTHERFUCKERS

so he kills thrym
and then all of thrym’s dudes
and then that chick who asked him for gold
just for good measure
and is like WHO’S THE MAN
WHO’S THE MAN
ME RIGHT?
BECAUSE THIS WHOLE THING
HAS MADE ME PRETTY INSECURE
IN MY MASCULINITY
and then he leaves and lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try crossdressing

The end

Share

In Which Being a Bastard Does NOT Work

Alright welcome back to Odin week motherfuckers

now it was drawn to my attention
by this chick I know
that the days of the week
are actually named after norse gods
and also big shit in the sky
you’ve got moon day
tyr’s day
Odin’s day
(which is why it’s spelled all funny)
Thor’s day
Freya’s day
Sun day
and then Saturn day is just some roman bullshit
got thrown right in there along with the norse
fucking romans
gods always sticking it in where they don’t belong

anyway my point is
that I have been kind of fucking up this week
see what I should have done
is told a myth about Tyr on tuesday
and a myth about Odin on wednesday
and I should be telling you one about Thor today
WELL TOUGH TITS GUYS
Because like i said
IT’S ODIN WEEK
and you are going to have to deal with that

but I will do something for you guys
kind of a concession
a little bit of a bonus
to placate you
which is
if I get at least three people telling me it’s a good idea in the comments
at the bottom of this post
tomorrow I will put up a myth about Freya
in honor of her day of the week
but Saturday is still gonna be Odin day no matter what alright
because fuck saturn

AN
Y
WAY

This myth takes place back in the day
before Odin was such a one-eyed badass
when he used to live on an island with his wife Frigga
aka Freya
aka WIFE OF GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN
because GRIMNER is the bizarre moniker odin happens to be going by
at the moment
let me just say that Grimner is a pretty fucking badass name
especially for a fisherman
and all of my children are going to be named Grimner
boys and girls
especially girls

anyway frigga and odin are chilling on this island
kind of just keeping an eye out
for bad dudes who get lost on their ships
and are of a sufficiently impressionable age
to be molded into ultimate heroes
designed to kill giants
because basically all the Aesir ever do
is think up ways to fuck with giants
Loki is pretty much the only one you even see getting laid
and all the other aesir hate him anyway
cause everyone else basically just sits around
thinking about fucking up giants all day

so one day odin and frigga are out looking for shipwrecked dudes
and they find the sons of king Hrauding
who i know nothing about
but i guess he was a pretty awesome king
cause Odin and frigga shit themselves with excitement
and they immediately start having a pissing contest
to see who can turn one of the brothers
into the most absurdly righteous hero engine

so Odin grabs his favorite of the two
Geirrod
who is the youngest
and is really fucking loud all the time
also strong
and easily excited
and Odin teaches him how to hunt
and fish
and climb rocks
and jump over chasms
and he feeds him steroids and has him fight bears
with a shitty handmade spear
just to toughen him up
for the end of the world

and then there’s Frigga’s favorite
Agnar
who is older
and kind of softspoken
and generally sort of a nice guy
but also a consummate pussy
sometimes Agnar goes out with Geirrod
on his perpetual suicide missions with Odin
and he does ok
but his brother always does way better
and Odin is like HAHAHA PUSSY
LOOK WHAT A HERO YOUR BROTHER IS
GO BACK TO YOUR KNITTING PRINCESS

so Agnar does
he spends most of his time chilling with Frigga
who sits at home sewing most of the time
and talking about all the other Aesir
and the giants
and all the shit I already told you guys
like about what a musclebound dickstrap Thor is
and how Loki can’t fucking keep it in his pants
and Agnar is like damn
you guys are in some deep shit with friends like those
and you’re in charge of protecting Midgard?
where I live?!
no way girl
I am going to figure out how to do my part
to make sure you do not piss a flaming blue streak
through my precious land
I’m going to be super righteous and shit
it’s gonna rule

so the time comes for the boys to go back home
and Odin builds them a boat
because of ALL THE THINGS ODIN AND FRIGGA TAUGHT THEM
they did not think it was important
to teach them how to get off of a deserted island
even though that was the NUMBER ONE PROBLEM FACING THEM
THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME
but before they leave
Odin takes Geirrod aside
and is like dude
one day you are going to be king
you’re gonna be a fucking hero too
you are going to get so many bitches
it is going to be wicked
so remember
one day I am going to hit you up
and you better not be too stuck up
to allow GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN into your royal hall
because that would make you a shitty king
also
I want a couple of your bitches
and Geirrod is like no doubt dude
i am totally going to be a hero
but not a king though
because my pussy-ass brother is older than me
so you’ll have to ask him about the bitches
bummer, huh?
and Odin is like yeah, bummer.

Meanwhile Agnar is looking deep into Frigga’s eyes
all like
no matter what
I am going to figure out how to fight the battle of the gods
cause i am not leaving it in your hands
your husband made my brother fight a BEAR
with a SHARPENED STICK
AND NEVER TAUGHT US HOW TO BUILD A FUCKING BOAT
and frigga is like tru dat
good luck dude

so they set sail in their new boat
but just when they are in sight of their dad’s kingdom
Geirrod is like man it’s sure great that we’re going home
but you know what would be even better
is if only I made it home
and i told them you were dead
and they made me king
and Agnar is like no man
that sounds like it would be much much worse
than what is happening right now
and Geirrod is like TOUGH CHUCKLES PUSSY
I’VE ALREADY THROWN AWAY THE OARS
AND PUSHED US IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE SHORE
AND NOW I AM GOING TO USE MY ULTIMATE SWIMMING SKILLS
TO SWIM TO SHORE
I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO KILL YOU
I AM JUST GOING TO BADASS YOU
TO DEATH

so this is exactly what Geirrod does
and his father is so happy to see him
cause he thought both his kids were dead
so one out of two aint bad
and pretty soon the old dude dies and Geirrod becomes a king
well played

So cut to a bunch of years later
after Odin chucks his eye into Mimir’s well
and gains ultimate wisdom
and he’s just walking from place to place
wandering around
judging people
when he arrives in Geirrod’s kingdom
and he’s like SWEET
finally
time for some fine bitches after all this wandering
and then all these jackasses on horses show up
and nearly trample him as they head into town
and he’s like whoa what the fuck guys
and follows them to the stables
where they yell for the servants to come out
but only one servant comes out
and guess who it is

that’s right

AGNAR
AGNAR has snuck back into the kingdom
and is working as a fucking stableboy
and his brother has no idea
Odin immediately knows all of this
through the magic power
of exposition
granted to him by the wisdom water
but he doesnt have time to do anything about it
cause the horse dudes are like
HEY ASSHOLE
COME HELP US WITH THESE HORSES
so he does
and then afterwards, Agnar is like hey man
would you like some bread
that is all I have
cause i am real poor
but you know
i can also offer you like
some straw
to sit on, not to eat
and odin is like yeah yeah thats fine
but what i really want
is some bitches
and some steaks
so I’m going to go into the royal hall real quick
and get that shit
and Agnar is like DUDE NO
The king is in a BAAAAAAAD MOOOOOOD
you do not want to go in there
and Odin is like yes i do
i want it like a man wants a fine steak and some even finer bitches
on a cold winter’s night
and Agnar is like alright suit yourself

so odin goes up to the royal hall
and knocks on the door like
hey
hey
hey
where my steaks at
and this hunchback comes out
like what the fuck do you want
and odin is like i wanna hang out in the king’s hall
and the hunchback is like not in this king’s hall buddy
and he’s about to punch him in the face
when the king yells at him from inside
so he lets odin in

And odin walks in
and he sees all these positively evil bastards eating at the king’s table
and he is like aww shit
Geirrod has become a king of wankers and thieves
and Geirrod looks at him and is like
SO YOU WANT TO COME HANG OUT WITH THE COOL KIDS HUH
WELL HOW ABOUT YOU SING FOR US
and Odin is like sure ok
how about I sing a song about what a shitty king you are
and Geirrod is like HOW ABOUT I CHAIN YOU UP AND SET YOU ON FIRE
AGAIN AND AGAIN
FOR EIGHT DAYS
and odin is like go for it

so they chain him up
and set him on fire
and he just stands there
mad dogging Geirrod
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
and early in the morning
when no one’s around
Agnar sneaks in
and gives him a horn of ale
so Odin gets completely shitfaced
because Geirrod tells all his servants
to make sure not to give Odin any food or water
so he has nothing in his system but ale and hatred
when Geirrod arrives in the evening
and sets him on fire again
and Odin just stands there
mad dogging him
not getting burnt

now you would think
that after two nights of this
Geirrod would figure out that fire doesnt hurt this guy
but no
he just goes for broke
he shows no sign of stopping
he just keeps setting this drunk motherfucker on fire
like i said for eight days
and Agnar keeps bringing him ale
until Odin gets drunk enough
that he is just like fuck this shit
and lightly rips all the chains out of the stone walls
and then walks slowly towards Geirrod
who really hates him at this point
and to make matters worse
he starts singing another song
about how shitty Geirrod is at being king
and how he is gonna die

so Geirrod does the sensible thing
and attacks him with his sword
i guess thinking that eight days of fire
probably weakened Odin’s invincibility or something
guess what
he is totally wrong about this
his sword fails
and Odin is like
HEY GUYS
GUESS WHAT
I’M ODIN
THE ALLFATHER
YOU ALL DONE FUCKED UP BAD

and the mere realization of how badly they have fucked up
turns all of the bastards in the court
including Geirrod
into wolves
and then they run away
and Odin is like hey Agnar
thanks for the booze
you’re king now
have fun
and Agnar turns out to be a really good king
a lot better than his asshole brother

so the moral of the story is
don’t set homeless people on fire
homeless people are flame retardant
and will turn you and your friends into wolves

The end

Share