FIRE

Ok so i am about to fuck off to the desert
AGAIN
and so i am going to be remotely posting myths
native american myths
using the magic of the internet
starting RIGHT
NOWWWWW

ok so coyote right
he likes to chill with all the humans on earth
and life is pretty sweet most of the time
blackberries and wheat and shit all the fuck over the place
except then winter comes
and just jizzes in everyone’s lungs
and like 90% of everybody dies
every year

so one day coyote is walking along
and he passes a village
and the woman are all weeping
over their dead infants
and they are like FUUUUUUCK
THE SUN IS SO WARM RIGHT NOW
IN SPRING
IF ONLY WE HAD SOME OF THE SUN IN OUR TEEPEES
IN WINTER
and coyote is like I HAVE A SOLUTION

so he goes up on top of this mountain
where these three assholes live
called the fire beings
they are these ugly motherfuckers
with like
sharp talons
who spend all their time guarding this fire
so when they hear coyote in the underbrush
they are like AGH FUCK WHO’S THERE
and coyote is like just me
just a coyote
nothing to worry about
and they are all like oh ok

so then coyote watches them all night
seeing how they always have at least one of them
watching the fire
except right at dawn
when one of the fire beings
is too much of a lazy whorebag
to get up quickly and guard the fire

so coyote goes and hits up all his animal pals
like GUYS
help me steal fire for the weird hairless human things
and the animals are like sure ok

so coyote goes back up to the top of the mountain
and the fire beings hear him like WHOA
AGH
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
and coyote is like jeeze guys
dont you remember
i’m just a coyote
a harmless dumb animal
come on
and the fire beings are like ok
so then coyote hangs out all night
and in the morning
when one of the fire beings is busy lazing it up
he hauls ass across their camp
and grabs the fire
and starts booking it down the mountain
and all of the fire beings are like SHIIIIIIIIT
and they start flying after him
and one of them touches his tail
and it turns white
which is why all coyotes have tails like that
that’s right
this coyote got AROUND
anyway then coyote tosses the fire to squirrel
and squirrel carries it on his back
which burns it hardcore
curling his tail
and then he passes the fire to chipmunk like OW FUCK
and chipmunk catches it
and then fucking FREEZES because these fire beings
are TERRORIFYING
and one of them just runs up to him and scratches the fuck out of his back
leaving three lines there
which are now on all chipmunks everywhere
and then chipmunk is like FUCK DAMN
and passes the fire to frog
and the fire beings catch frog’s tail
and frog is just like FUCK I DONT NEED A TAIL
and it comes off
and guys
guess what
now frogs don’t have tails
so finally after all this forcible re-engineering of various species
frog tosses the fire to wood
and wood swallows it
and the fire beings go up to wood like HEY WOOD
FUCKING GIVE US OUR FIRE BACK
and wood is like nope
and the fire beings are like IMA CUT CHOO
and wood is like go for it
and the fire beings are finally like YOU KNOW WHAT FINE
FUCK IT
and they leave
but coyote knows how to set wood on fire
so he teaches all the humans
how to use like
matches and shit
and suddenly arsonist is a profession

so the moral of the story is
if you need something
steal it
in fact better yet
have a coyote steal it
because apparently no one suspects those guys

THE END

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Okay now I understand bollywood

So shiva right

he’s a badass
but his main job
is to make sure kali
doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks
and destroy the world

like in that one story i already told you
where he lies in front of her on the battlefield
or this other time
when he turns into a baby
like WAH WAH TITS PLZ
and kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS
but there is one particular instance
of shiva handling kali’s shit
that is particularly fantastic

ok so this story begins like all stories about kali:
kali just killed a bunch of dudes
probably demons
but really
who the fuck knows
anyway to celebrate
kali takes up residence in a nearby forest
with a bunch of her asshole friends
and starts terrorizing the countryside
stabbing the villagers
than stabbing their stab wounds
then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds
shit like that

so finally one of the villagers
who is sick of getting stabbed every day
and is also a follower of shiva
comes running up to shiva like
HEY SHIVA
CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US
WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED OK
and shiva is like what shit
i am busy
and the dude is like KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE
SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN
WHO KNOWS
and shiva is like ok my schedule just cleared up

so shiva shows up in the forest
and kali is like HEY ASSHOLE
and shiva is like hey kali
we’ve talked about this
you need to stop stabbing all the time
and kali is like NEVER STOP STABBING
and shiva is like that is the opposite of what i said ok
and kali is like FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU
and shiva is like alright this is going nowhere
how about this
we have a dance contest
and when i utterly hand you your shit in the contest
you agree to stop stabbing for a while?
and kali is like OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED

so they start dancing the fuck off against each other
busting moves
infused with the dopeness
these moves they are busting
guys
they are ludicrous moves
trust me
like remember the dance contest in pulp fiction?
this was nothing like that
John Travolta is shitty at doing the twist
this is way better

but finally
shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE
the TANDAVA DANCE
which is just basically a super energetic dance
kali is so tired from stabbing i guess
that she cannot match his dance moves
and she reluctantly agrees
to stop murdering for a couple days
and go home

so the moral of the story is
all wars ever can be stopped
WITH THE POWER OF DANCE

The end

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AT LAST, THE ODYSSEY IS COMPLETE AGAIN – plus shameless plug!

Hey guys
i did the odyssey
on video
all of it

now i am going to ask you guys
to reach back into your collective memories
and ask yourselves

“What bizarre cosmic event
or happy coincidence
lead this shirtless guy
to record this sweet epic myth for the internets?”

well guys
the answer is simple
i did it for money

if you will recall
about a week ago
some kind soul donated
TWENTY FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS
through that donation button
on the right side of the blog

and as very few of you probably remember
i promised
when i put that donation button there
that every time i got a total of 20 dollars donated to me
no matter how many people donated it
i was gonna do something epic as a thank you
this right here
is the kind of epic shit i am talking about

but lest you think i am some kind
of very educational whore
i need to tell you guys
what this money is going towards

see i am about to embark
on a months-long cross-country road trip
and in order to keep updating this blog
on the ambitious schedule i have been keeping
i need to buy one of those wireless broadband dealies
that let me access the internet from anywhere
for a monthly fee
and actually
it would be super sweet
if i could also buy a little solar panel
to put on top of my car
to power my laptop
because my cigarette lighter doesn’t work
plus ultimately I would like to get a website
somewhere other than blogspot
and make it nice
settle down, you know?
but look
anyway
the point is

if everybody who follows this blog
just gave me a dollar
I would be contractually obligated
to retell the iliad on video
skipping all the boring parts
plus it would probably cover a couple months
of on-the-road internet shenanigans
and then I’d be just ten more dollars away
from having to retell selections from Ovid’s
EROTIC POEMS
on video
and so on
you get where i am going with this

alternately
you could all just blackmail google
into paying me the 45 dollars they owe me

anyway here’s the thrilling conclusion of
THE ODYSSEY

PS: Here’s a fun game you can play
go back through all 7 episodes
and try and figure out when i am wearing pants
and when i am not

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Shiva drinks gallons of PCP

okay so guys
remember a couple days ago
when i said shiva seemed like a huge pussy?

guys
i retract the FUCK out of that statement

right now
i am sitting in my room
retracting my statement so hard
i am not going to shit for WEEKS

ANYWAY

the reason i am retracting my statement
is this story that happened one time

ok so there is this dude Brahma right
he is the creator of everything
so one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it
this hot chick
is his daughter

but as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
brahma is like OH DAMN
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT
THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY
and then he goes ahead and gives himself
THREE EXTRA HEADS
so he can check out his daughter from all angles
everywhere
forever
thus causing the world to get divided
into four directions
because the creator suddenly desires something
that is outside himself

okay so Brahma’s daughter gets wind
of all this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on earth instead
and she goes up to heaven

now brahma is like FUCK
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD
see this is the thing about being the creator
you do not consider options such as
moving your neck
or
in extreme cases
physical therapy
maybe a neck massage
limber up those muscles
NO
you grow an extra fucking head
looking straight up
and then you send it shooting towards heaven
all like NOM NOM NOM TITSTIME

so at this point
brahma’s daugher is up in heaven
like fuck what am i going to do
about this encroaching molester head
and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
like FUCK THIS SHIT
and chops off Brahma’s head
WITH HIS FUCKING THUMBNAIL
BAM

but instead of a hearty thank you
and maybe some victory poontang
shiva gets brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand
and he is like AW FUCK
THIS IS MY JERKIN’ IT HAND
and he transforms into Bhairava
aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO
I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO
and brahma is like oh no you are not son
you are going to get banished the fuck on out of here
is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around the land
as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven

so this is exactly what shiva does
until one day
he stumbles upon a group of sages
all sitting around praying the fuck out of themselves
and shiva rolls up
LIKE HEY HEY OOGA BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE WHATS UP
and the sages are like what the fuck is this shit
and the sages’ wives are like OH MAN I WANNA TAP THAT
and they all go dance the crazy wango bango tango with Shiva
and the sages are like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and they send a tiger after shiva
and shiva responds
by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S FUCKING SKIN
and wearing it as a skirt
and then the sages are like DOUBLEFUCK
and they send a poisonous snake after shiva
and shiva picks up the snake
and wears it as a fucking necklace
and the sages are like 3X FUCK COMBO
and they send an evil dwarf after shiva
that’s right
they have fuckable gold in india too guys
anyway shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over
stands on his face
and takes his club

then he turns around like COME ON ALL YOU HOT BITCHES
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST
so they do
and then shiva (aka bhairava remember)
goes to vishnu’s place
like hey vishnu lemme in
and vishnu’s bouncer is like who the fuck are you
and bhairava is like THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT BITCH
and then vishnu jumps out of the back room like OH SNAP
I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY
and bhairava fills brahma’s sticky skull with vishnu’s blood
like THANKS SUCKER
and then dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a fucking skull full of blood
he dances all the fuck over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party
with some women you stole
and eventually people will realize you can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven
seriously what the fuck is even happening in this myth

the end.

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Odyssey. Also, remember when Google used to be a great company?

Hey guys
this just in
google is a piece of shit
an unrepentant piece of shit
so i’m sure you’ve heard about google and verizon’s plan to skullfuck net neutrality
and you’ve already heard me talk about how google adsense
is the shittiest way to make money
ON THE WHOLE INTERNET
but it turns out
it is also the shittiest way to advertise
IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

for example
last week
i did a google search for a weatherproof bag
with straps to let me attach it to the roof of my car
since then
EVERY SINGLE TIME I VISIT THIS WEBSITE
I HAVE SEEN THE SAME FUCKING AD
FOR HARD-BODIED CAR ROOF STORAGE CONTAINERS
HEY GOOGLE
GUESS WHAT
NOT ONLY IS THAT SUPER CREEPY
BUT I BOUGHT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WHEN I FUCKING SEARCHED FOR IT
A WEEK AGO
I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT NOW
ESPECIALLY SINCE I WAS SEARCHING FOR A SOFT-BODIED BAG
NOT ONE OF THESE ROBOT TURD LOOKING MOTHERFUCKERS
IF YOU ARE GOING TO ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME
AT LEAST ANNOY ME ACCURATELY

so anyway
given that i know firsthand
how utterly worthless their entire system is
this happens:

so today i get home and i get my mail
and i find that I have a letter from google
or rather
ADSENSE PUBLISHER has a letter from google
guys
i gave you my fucking name when i signed up
did you lose it
anyway my first reaction is to go SWEET BEANS
GOOGLE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART AND SENT ME REAL CASH MONEY
INSTEAD OF HOARDING IT IN THEIR FUCKING MONEYPIT
FOREVER AND EVER
WHILE PRETENDING THAT PAYDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

so i rip open the envelope
and my jaw drops open
because i see the number 100
followed by a dollar sign
but then my jaw abruptly shoots closed
because the number
is attached to a fucking GIFT CARD
which may be used
to purchase GOOGLE ADSENSE ADS
finally i can claim the coveted ad space on the right side of a google search page that no one ever looks at or clicks on
i read the attached form letter
to learn that google is rewarding my loyal patronage
with this unbelievably FREE ADVERTISING CREDIT
so i think well shit
this is pretty worthless
but it’s free
might as well use it
so i go upstairs and i sign onto their internet bullshit machine
and i go through the process of making an account
giving them my address AGAIN
designing an ad
and i get to the part about how much i am willing to pay per click
and i notice
that while it is possible for me to specify a maximum payout PER DAY
i cannot specify a maximum TOTAL payout
and that in order to activate my ads
i need to give google my credit card info
so that they can start charging me real dollars as soon as their fake ones run out
and then i scroll down the page
to the very bottom
and i see the following
extremely upsetting words:
Note that you’ll be charged a $5.00 activation fee with your first payment.

GOOGLE
HEY
I HAVE A QUESTION:
HOW IS IT COST EFFECTIVE FOR ME TO SEND YOU FIVE DOLLARS
WHEN IT IS NOT COST EFFECTIVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME MY FORTY FIVE DOLLARS
and yet still i wondered how google could afford
to give me a hundred dollar gift card to their ad service
how the fuck do they make a profit?
is it possible that NO ONE is making money off of google ads?
that it is some kind of pit of sarlaag
digesting your money for thousands of years
never coughing up dividends?

well the answer is no
the money google gave me was imaginary money
it is money google will put into the accounts of publishers like me
penny by penny
and never actually have to pay to anyone
because of the ludicrous minimum payment standard
and all of the REAL money advertisers are paying?
30 cents per click or whatever?
well it goes into the accounts of publishers too
but google
being the magnanimous caretaker it is
holds onto it for us
until it is a large enough sum
for them to cancel our accounts for click fraud
and keep it forever

so i guess what I’m saying
is don’t promote your website on google ads
it is basically like pissing into your own mouth

but I am going to keep running google ads on my site
until they cancel my account or I get a check
no matter how hopeless it seems
because some day
in some far off future full of flying cars
and deadly laser pistols
and bipedal cows
google will finally be forced
to pay me a hundred dollars

oh by the way I made a video

keep clicking those links, ladies

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Kali gets jiggy with it

So it has come to my attention
that one of the few mythoses
which i have not stuck my grubby appendages into
is the pantheon
of India
watch as I rectify that
HARD

so kali right

she is this badass trick alright
she is a chick
who wears a necklace of HUMAN HEADS
has four arms
with which to hold swords
and is the goddess of like
annihilation
and TIME ITSELF

but then
there is this other chick
Durga
who has TEN ARMS
and rides on LIONS
and is INVINCIBLE
and is always carrying like
weapons AND flowers
well ok i guess the flowers dont help much
but anyway
at the beginning of this myth
Durga is trying to kill the shit out of this demon
Raktabija
and raktabija is having none of it
actually he is having less than none of it
because every time durga cuts him
his blood goes flying everywhere
and turns into MORE OF HIM
so the only way to win in this situation
is NOT TO PLAY
and in fact really actually
even that wouldn’t work
because then raktabija would kill you
so Durga gets fed up with this bullshit
and she is like HEY KALI
and Kali comes shooting out of Durga’s forehead
all like WHAT
WHAT DO YOU NEED
ARE THERE THINGS FOR ME TO MURDER
and durga is like shit yes there are
how about these billion demons i just created
and kali is like THAT WILL DO NICELY

so then kali just drinks ALL of raktabija’s blood
like SLURP SLURP MCSLURP BITCHES
and then she hangs some of them i guess cause she has a bunch of nooses
on top of all the swords she also has
and then she puts all the duplicates into her mouth
just sort of places them there
and then murders them all
and spits them all back out all the fuck over everywhere

so then she’s standing in a field of dead bodies
and there is nothing kali likes more
than standing in a field
of dead bodies
so she is like DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE DANCE FEVER COMING ON
OK MAYBE IT IS JUST ME
and she starts boogieing the FUCK out
PS how come spell check thinks boogieing is a word
i am pleasantly surprised

anyway kali is a motherfucking disco inferno all over these corpses
stomping their fucking teeth out all over the place
and one of the bodies
for some reason
is Kali’s husband shiva
dunno what the fuck he was doing there
wearing a demon constume?
was this some kind of like
demon convention
where he was cosplaying?
i don’t fucking know
all i know is shiva seems like kind of a loser
because in all the pictures of him i can find
kali is either standing on his back
or standing on his face
and this is in fact exactly what starts happening now
and shiva is like OW WIFE FUCK OW WHAT
and kali is like oh shit i’m sorry
and she stops dancing
and i guess the rest of the dead bodies are saved

so the moral of the story is
do not get married
because your husband
might end up being one of the dead bodies you are trampling
and his anguished cries
will totally buzzkill the party

the end

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Wei Po-Yang is a Goddamn Cult Leader

So Wei Po-Yang

he’s this chinese dude
super into the arts of alchemy
but not the stupid bullshit arts of alchemy
like turning mercury into gold
or shit into sausages
no
wei po-yang is all about transmuting dying
into NEVER DYING
in other words he is trying to make a pill
that will make him immortal

to that end
at eighteen
he goes up in the mountains
and builds a little house
and spends all his time rooting through the woods
for herbs
and minerals

somehow Po-Yang gets three students
one of them is a dumbass
but he’s a pretty nice guy
the other two are cleverdicks to the max
and Po-Yang gets to thinking hm
my cleverdick students are devious
and they prolly don’t give a shit about the tao
they just wanna live forever
I WILL CONDUCT A TEST

so he calls his three students together
like guys
hey
i made the pill of immortality
check it out
and his students are all like WHOAWAOWOWOAWOWOHOAW
and Po-Yang is like I WILL TEST IT ON MY DOG
so he gives the pill to his dog
and then the dog
stops moving and breathing
and the smart students are like aw fuck
looks like we fucked up again
and Po-Yang is like no not necessarily
maybe it has a different effect on humans
who wants to test it
anyone?

so when none of his students are like YES GIVE ME DEATH PILL
Po-Yang is like fine I’ll try it
and he takes a pill
and does a faceplant into the dirt
and stops breathing

so then his two smart students are like welp
looks like Po-Yang succeeded in making
the exact opposite of the pill of immortality
it would be pretty stupid for us to take those pills now
having witnessed TWO SEPERATE LIVING BEINGS DIE
after ingesting them
time to cut our losses and go
and never tell anyone because they might think we killed him
PEACE

so they get the fuck out of there
leaving dopey mcdumb to stare blankly at his teacher’s corpse
and finally he gets up like hmmmm
master has always been super cautious
SURELY he wouldn’t eat a pill he thought would kill him
even though that is clearly what he did
I think I’LL take one of these poison capsules
so he takes one
and then goes to sit down
and wait to die i guess
when suddenly Wei Po-Yang stands up
like CHARLIE YOU HAVE INHERITED MY CHOCOLATE FACTORY WELL DONE
and then his dog wakes up too!
and then all three of them go shooting up to heaven
even though i’m pretty sure this is just like
a death-induced hallucination
being had by the dead student
as he lies twitching on the ground
foaming at the mouth

except then the two smartasses heading back down the mountain
see the two men and the dog flying through the air
like WOOF WOOF MOTHERFUCKERS
and they’re like OH NO WHAT
WHAT HAPPENED
HOW DID OUR SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCTS
ACTUALLY END UP DENYING US IMMORTALITY
so they run back up to Po-Yang’s crib
but his fire has gone out
and there are no more pills
so they have to be mortal FOREVER
or i guess until they die

moral of the story
if a charismatic religious figure offers you a pill
eat it
even if it has been clearly demonstrated
numerous times
to be deadly poison
in fact
especially in that case
take two if you can
take a dozen
take all of them
come on don’t you want to be immortal

The end.

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The Odyssey Again! For a THIRD Time!

Guys
for like ten minutes
hindi translation was enabled for this blog
and then i started trying to type this post
and everything was turning into scribbles
and i was like what is this
and then i realized it was hindi
and i couldn’t stop it
no matter how hard I tried
so with sincere apologies to my hindi-speaking audience
hindi transliteration is now canceled

anyway here is the next installment
of the odyssey
to fill all your faceholes
with loud
hard
EDUCATION

You can thank me when you are finished hot-gluing your face back on

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