Don’t fuck with Latona

Okay so puffs

sorry to bust your balls like that
about wanting some greek myths
buddy
i like greek myths too
and to prove it to you
here is a greek myth

alright so there is this chick Niobe
she is an utter priss festival
all strutting around
vehemently denying
that her shit stinks
she is the queen on some island or something
man everybody in greece seems to have been
like a queen
or else some kind of king
or satyr
or some shit
there were like NO REGULAR PEOPLE
at ALL
anyway one day this chick Manto
the daughter of Tiresias
goes running through Niobe’s city screaming OH SHIT GUYS
TIME TO WORSHIP THE GODDESS LATONA
SHE FEELS INADEQUATE FOR SOME REASON
SO GET ON THAT

so everyone starts worshipping the everloving bajeezus out of latona
like making wreathes
and dancing around
and doing all kinds of shitty craft projects and whatnot
and Niobe shows up like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
YOU GUYS ARE WASTING TIME WORSHIPPING THIS BROAD
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORSHIPPING
ME

so niobe launches into this long
clearly prepared speech
about how much better she is than latona
like how her parents are all gods
or else people who hung out with gods
like Tantalus
although actually honestly
like i said
everybody in greece at this time
was chilling with all manner of gods
anyway then she is like HEY LATONA
YOU ONLY HAVE TWO KIDS
I HAVE FOURTEEN
LET ME DO SOME MATH FOR YOU
FOURTEEN
EQUALS SEVEN
TIMES TWO
I HAVE SEVEN TIMES MORE CHILDREN THAN YOU
MY VAGINA IS INFINITELY MORE DISTENDED
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CODHOLES DOING WORSHIPPING LATONA
WHEN YOU COULD BE MAKING SACRED MACARONI PICTURES
FOR MY GAPING BABY CHUTE

so everybody is like fuckdamn woman
we’ll stop
we’ll stop
sorry
don’t eat us with your cavernous vag
and niobe is like damn right

ok now guys
it is a historical fact
that niobe did indeed have seven times more kids
than Latona
however what Niobe is overlooking here
is that Latona’s two kids
are APOLLO AND ARTEMIS
GUYS
EACH OF THOSE KIDS
IS WORTH LIKE
SIXTY KIDS
AT LEAST
THAT CHANGES THE MATH SLIGHTLY
so of course Latona
upon hearing that niobe is hosting an all-you-can-eat hubris buffet
calls her kids over and is like hey
hey
can we fuck niobe over
i really want to fuck niobe over
how should we fuck niobe over guys
and apollo is like LESS TALKING MORE FUCKING OVER
and ZOOM the laser death train leaves the station

what follows is one of those dramatically bloody action sequences
that really makes me wish ovid had gotten to direct die hard
because basically what happens
is apollo shows up where all niobe’s 7 sons are out exercising
and kills them all with arrows
in the most horrendously brutal ways
like one guy gets an arrow all the way through his throat
and does a triple sowcow over the front of his chariot
to get hooffucked by angry horses
and two sons are wrestling
so SHOOP
apollo just pins those guys together with an arrow
and so on and so forth
murder murder murder
until one of them is like PLEASE GODS STOP MURDERING
and apollo is like ok
WHOOPS
looks like i already let go of the arrow
sorry dude
so that one dies too

so then niobe sees what has happened
and so does her loving husband
who of course immediately kills himself
and niobe runs outside to the pile of mutilated flesh
that used to be her sons
actually bruising her arms from hugging them so hard
guys hugs are not usually brutal
but hugs where you injure yourself are BRUTAL TO THE MAX
and niobe is like WAAH WAAH WAAH WHAT THE FUCK LATONA
ALL I DID WAS INSULT YOUR LACK OF KIDS
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MURDER ALL MY KIDS
OH WAIT
I STILL HAVE SEVEN DAUGHTERS
I STILL WIN
HAHAHAHAHA BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT

guys
when gods have just demonstrated their ability
to kill seven of your children in as many minutes
it is not a good idea to remind them
about the other seven children you still have
so at this point artemis shows up
and kills all seven of niobe’s daughters
with a lot less pizazz than apollo
but still, pretty sweet
like they all just stop breathing basically

so at this point niobe is like DAMMIT
COULDN’T YOU HAVE AT LEAST LEFT ME 3 KIDS
SO I COULD KEEP FEELING SUPERIOR TO YOU
and latona is like NOPE SUCK IT
so then niobe starts crying
and she doesn’t stop crying
until she turns into marble and teleports to the top of a mountain
seriously that is how hard she cries
and actually the stone keeps crying even to this very day

so parents
remember:
when it comes to having kids
it is not quantity that is important
but whether your kids can kill everyone else’s kids

the end.

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Buttsex anyone?

GOOD NEWS GUYS
SOME STRAPPING YOUNG LAD
GAVE ME TEN MORE DOLLARS
SO STARTING TOMORROW
IT’S GENESIS CITY USA
STARRING YOUR GOOD FRIEND
ME
ON VIDEO
WEARING A STUPID HAT AND NO SHIRT

We now return to our regularly scheduled program
of shouting and saying fuck alot

So some dude named puffs

wants me to do some more greek myths
because he thinks he is hot shit on par with zeus
and he wants me to just bend over
like some easily swayed mortal skank
and do what he says
and then who knows
maybe he’ll get me pregnant
maybe he’ll turn me into a fucking cow
or blow me up with lightning
there’s no telling with zeus

WELL FUCK THAT
YOU GET A MYTH ABOUT BUTTSEX TOUGH GUY

So there’s this place Gomorrah right
also this place sodom
they are characterized
by a special game everybody there plays
which is like the hokey pokey
except instead of dancing
you have sex with each other
and each other’s butts
and each other’s livestock i think
but other than that it is just like the hokey pokey
man when i was a little kid
in gymboree
we used to hold a bigass multicolored parachute between us
and do the hokey pokey
these guys in sodom and gomorrah
probably would have fucked that parachute

so one day god has had enough of this shit
because god doesn’t like looking at sex apparently
OKAY HERE IS WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND
You’re god, right
you make a universe
and like a world
and you put stuff everywhere
and you take some of this stuff
and you put holes in it
and then you take other things
and give them penises
and you are like now guys
guys
if you ever stick these penises
into any of these holes
it’s gonna feel SUPER GOOD
but don’t do it
i think it’s pretty gross
and i can see everything all the time
so seriously
quit it

WHY DID YOU MAKE SO MANY HOLES AND SO MANY PENISES
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON LOOKING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME
WHY IS IT THAT GOD CAN CREATE A SEX ACT SO LURID
EVEN HE CAN’T STAND TO LOOK AT IT

anyway so he sends these angels to sodom and gomorra
these three studly motherfuckers
like
these guys have so many abs
sometimes they break a few off
to give to those less fortunate
like maybe some oliver twist looking motherfucker
walking around with a ripped four-pack
all like please sir
can i have some more

OK WE ARE GETTING OFF TRACK
so these angels show up to someplace called Mamre
and they meet this dude Abraham
who is apparently a pretty cool dude
cause he is like hey handsome guys
come stay in my house with my wife and I
FIVESOME MAYBE?
but no
the angels just crash for a night
and then they’re like by the way
we’re on our way to go blow up sodom and gomorrah
and abraham is like no shit
hey god
and god is like YEAH WHAT UP
and abraham is like would you spare sodom
if you found
FIFTY RIGHTEOUS MEN IN THERE?
and god is like FO SHO
and abraham is like
what about 40
and god is like NO DOUBT BRO
and abraham is like
what about 30
and god is like I’D SPARE THEM CITIES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER
20?
SURE WHY NOT
15?
YEAH WHATEVER
10?
LOOK WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS
I SAID I’D SPARE THEM OK
and abraham is like ok ok
we still cool?
and god is like WE STILL COOL

so then the angels head for sodom and gomorrah
you know
to destroy it
and on the way they meet this dude Lot
who is actually one of Abraham’s nephews
and happens to live in Sodom
and is actually a pretty chill guy
or at least he’s a pretty chill guy by god’s standards
which means he only does it with chicks
well one chick
his wife
while lying on top of her
and trying not to enjoy it very much
so the angels are like sup lot
and lot is like hey guys
you’re pretty hot
wanna stay at my place
but not in a gay way
because i’m righteous
and the angels are like sure yeah

so they go to lot’s place
and all these dudes from the town show up outside
like HEY
HEY LOT
I SEE YOU GOT SOME HOT DUDES IN YOUR HOUSE
HOW ABOUT SENDING THEM OUT HERE
SO WE CAN KNOW THEM
AND BY THEM
WE MEAN THEIR BUTTS
AND BY KNOW
WE MEAN HAVE SEX WITH
LIKE
HAVE SEX WITH THEIR BUTTS
and lot is like sorry guys
that would make me feel like the WORST HOST
so here
take my 2 virgin daughters instead
you can do whatever you want with them
it’s fine
i know you guys are into some freaky shit
but it’s cool
they’re just my daughters
and the dudes are like WHAT IS THIS SHIT
WE ASKED FOR THREE MEN
YOU GIVE US TWO WOMEN
THIS IS A DISGRACE
WE’RE GONNA TAKE ALL THIS PENT UP RAPE ENERGY
AND USE IT ON YOUUUUU

so they go to bust down Lot’s door
and the angels are like FUCK NO
and blind all those guys
and then they’re like hey lot
now would be a good time
to take your wife
and your daughters who you don’t seem to care about really
and get the fuck out of here before we set this shit on fire
and lot is like sounds like a plan
but then the angels are like hey
one other thing
don’t look back towards the city
no matter how exciting it sounds
and lot is like sure fine ok

so lot and his wife and his kids are all running away
when god is like BAM BALAM MOTHERFUCKERS
and blows up sodom and gomorrah with fire and brimstone
and i guess it must sound REALLY FUCKING COOL
because Lot’s wife is like what is that
i simply MUST see
and she turns around like an idiot
and BAM
turns into salt for some reason
why is this what happens
am i now supposed to believe that all salt is made of dead people?
that is some creepy shit
i might not have french fries for a few days

look basically
what this goes to show
is even if you spend your life being super righteous
god is gonna get you
on a technicality
and turn you into some kind of seasoning
and then i am going to use you on my eggs

the end.

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South Park did this and i don’t care

Ok so Xenu right

he is this seriously bad dude
who is like emperor
of a MASSIVE GALACTIC EMPIRE
made up of like
26 stars
and 76 planets
one of which is earth
except it isn’t called earth
because that doesn’t sound retarded enough
no
it is called Teegeeack

so the galactic civilization
it is pretty much like what earth is like
in the 50s and 60s
in fact basically exactly alike
they wear the same clothes
and they have cars and buses and shit
not a very advanced galactic civilization actually

BUT WAIT
Xenu is about to get deposed
for being a seriously bad motherfucker all the time
so he’s like OH I KNOW
IF I KILL ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEPOSE ME
I CAN’T GET DEPOSED
FUCKING GENIUS
here is the problem guys
EVERYONE WANTS TO DEPOSE XENU
so he’s like well i guess i better kill everyone
but how do i do that
i’m going to need some help
HEY PSYCHIATRISTS

so all the psychiatrists show up like yea xenu whats up
and xenu is like guys i need you to trick all these people
or rather
all these THETANS
because thats what these guys are called
into showing up to my place for a tax audit or something
and the psychiatrists are like we have no problem with this
because we are evil

so all the thetans show up
like hey here are our income taxes or something
actually hold on
why is it
that everyone in the galaxy shows up
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
especially if we are postulating
that these guys have the technology of the 1950s
which did not include faster than light travel
as far as i can tell
so people are travelling HUNDREDS OF YEARS
in their shitty, explosion prone spacecraft
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
now if it had been a free puppies and cotton candy audit
or a professional grade booze enema audit
maybe i can see this working
but if you want to depose a guy
and then he is like HEY HOW BOUT THOSE INCOME TAXES
your response should not be RIGHT AWAY SIR CAN I CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL

cause see
this whole thing turns out really badly for the thetans
like as soon as they show up
Xenu freezes them in alcohol and takes their souls
and then he puts them in some spaceships
and he takes them to earth
oh wait i’m sorry
TEEGEEACK
and he stacks them around volcanoes
but see
apparently volcanoes are not naturally dangerous enough for Xenu
NOOOOOO
molten fucking lava is not hardcore enough for this guy
so he puts HYDROGEN BOMBS in all of the volcanoes
and then blows them right the fuck up
vaporizing all these thetans
but like
keeping their souls intact?

because see the next thing that happens
is that xenu forces all these thetans
into a massive 3D movie theater
where they watch a 36 hour movie
encompassing all future religious symbolism
and where is this movie theater located exactly?
hawaii
obviously

so then the thetans get let out of the movie theater
and they are so fucking disoriented
and like
dead and stuff
that they just start grabassing at any body they can find
turning perfectly functional human beings
into skullfucked sadness engines
bent on self-destruction
and guys
that is why we all suck so bad
it is because a supervillain put bombs in volcanoes
and then evil spirits decided to lay eggs in our minds

and the worst part is
if you try and learn all this shit
without first preparing yourself to learn it
by paying a lot of money
again and again
the shock will be so great
that you will get pneumonia

so the moral is
don’t read this myth
unless you want to get pneumonia

the end.

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Samson is Metal

okay so there is this guy samson right

holy
fucking
shit

ok so first of all
there is this group of dudes called the philistines
who god for some reason is not fond of
so god is like i need a dude to murder all these philistenes
i know
I WILL MAKE SAMSON
so he sends this angel down
to this dude Manoah and his wife
all like HEY HEY HEY
YOUR WIFE IS STERILE
BUT USING GODMAGIC
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A KID
IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT
HE IS GOING TO KILL SO MANY GODDAMN PHILISTINES
and Manoah is like sweet where do i sign
and the angel is like
YOU DONT GOTTA SIGN SHIT
JUST NEVER CUT THAT KID’S HAIR EVER
AND HE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE
ALSO YOUR WIFE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT
and manoah is like what are you the surgeon fucking general
and the angel is like NO
I AM AN ANGEL OF THE MOTHERFUCKING LORD
CHECK OUT ALL THIS HOLY FIRE
and manoah is like DAMN
lemme make sacrifice some meat real quick
seeing as i have been trying to impregnate this bitch
for like 4 million years
and the angel is like THANKS FOR THE SACRIFICE
GONNA DEVOUR IT WITH MORE HOLY FIRE
PEACE
and he leaves manoah to kind of sit there
like what
and actually he gets pretty fucking freaked out
like shit shit shit that dude just set my meat on fire
what if he sets me on fire
and his wife is like shut up asshole
why would god send an angel
to tell us an elaborate lie
just so he could set us on fire ten minutes later
also i think i am pregnant
anyway later samson is born

so samson grows up
and his hair gets super long and shit
and pretty soon
he decides he wants to go see the cities of the philistines
and his parents are like sure whatever
so he goes out
and he falls in love with some philistine chick
i dont really remember her name actually
it’s not important she dies anyway

so regardless
on his way to woo this bitch
samson gets attacked by a LION
all like ROARRRRRRRR
as a sidenote that is totally not how lions sound
but i can’t accurately transliterate the sound
that lions actually make
so ROARRRR IT IS
anyway samson sees this lion attacking him
and just casually rips it in half
and leaves it there
and decides not to tell anyone about it
because honestly
it isn’t a very good story
other than the killed a lion part
i mean there was no struggle or anything
it’s just kind of like
oh
a lion
RIIIIIP

so samson shows up to philistinetown
like hey
woman
marry me
and the woman is like ok
so then samson walks to the marriage
and on the way
he passes that dead lion again
and apparently bees have decided
that this dead lion
is the perfect place for a beehive
so there is all kinds of honey in there
and samson
being a fucking longhaired dumbass
decides to reach on in there
and get a big fistful of honey
and eat that shit
and nothing bad happens to him
and then he pushes his luck by grabbing more
and bringing it to his parents for some reason
like hey mom
hey dad
here is some beejizz i found in a dead lion
enjoy
maybe you can put it on toast

so then he goes to the wedding
and this is where the shit
starts to get fed
unceasingly
into the fan
because samson decides that it would be a good idea
to tell a high-stakes riddle
to all of the philistine groomsmen at the wedding
and the riddle he makes up
is about the lion he killed
which only he knows about
so they all get super frustrated trying to figure it out
and then
being the monumental assgremlins they are
they run up to samson’s wife
like HEY HEY HEY TELL US THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE
OR WE WILL SET YOU ON FIRE
and she sucks samson’s dick until he tells her or whatever
and then she tells them
and then they tell samson
and then samson tells them to go fuck themselves
because they cheated
then he kills all of them

then he’s still pissed off
so he runs crying to his dad
meanwhile his bride gets married to his best man
then samson comes back
only the chick’s dad won’t let him see her
and wants him to marry her sister instead
so samson does the sensible thing
and sets 300 foxes on fire
so they run around like adderall addicted toddlers
torching all the fields
and this kind of upsets the philistines
who respond in the only sensible way
which is to set samson’s ex-wife on fire

so then samson runs away for a bit
and hides in this cave
and the philistines show up
and they find these 3000 men of judah
who i guess live right in front of the cave
and they are like GIVE US SAMSON
and samson is like it’s fine dudes
just do it
and the men of judah are like sure ok
so they tie him up
and give him to the philistines
and then samson breaks free and murders EVERYONE
except the men of judah probably
i don’t think he has any beef with them
oh yeah
also
he does all this murdering
WITH THE JAWBONE OF A DONKEY
i am not sure where he gets that though
maybe he just rips off a donkey’s face
and then kills everyone with it
seriously this is a fucking massacre
he kills like 1000 guys

so then some other stuff happens
like he crashes at a whore’s place for a bit
and some dudes are hiding behind a gate to ambush him
so he picks up the gate
and puts it somewhere else
and the dudes are like well shit
guess we can’t ambush him anymore
then samson becomes king for 20 years

but all is not well
because it is about this time
that samson starts making BAD DECISIONS
like he falls in love with this chick Delilah
who is the ultimate in skank technology
in fact no sooner do samson and delilah get married
then all the philistines show up
like hey delilah
20 bucks if you find out samson’s weakness
and she is like ok sure
hey samson
what is your weakness
but samson isn’t stupid
so he makes up some bullshit about being bound with bowstrings
and she does it
and he wakes up
and breaks them

OKAY
STOP RIGHT THERE
let’s say you have a girlfriend, right?
she asks if you have any food allergies
you say yes
you are deadly allergic to pineapple
and you wake up the next morning
to find her injecting a pineapple smoothie
into your forearm
what do you do?
do you continue to live with this person?
do you proceed to confide in her?
are you a fucking IDIOT?

well apparently samson is
because he wipes his ass with this massive red flag
and just keeps lying to his wife
telling her different things that are not actually his weakness
and she keeps trying them
so really
everyone is a fucking retard in this situation
until samson one-ups everyone
by telling delilah his actual weakness
which is cutting off his hair
so
predictably
she cuts off his hair
which breaks that whole commitment to god thing
that his parents did
so he loses his strength
and the philistines come fuck him over
stab out both his eyes
and make him a slave
awesome

MANY
YEARS
PASS

and samson has been working for the philistines
for quite a while
one day they are going to do a sacrifice to some bullshit god
thanking him for delivering samson to them
and they are like hey samson
you are cordially invited to this jackassery
so he shows up
and is like man guys i am so tired and blind
can i please lean against these structural supports right here
and they are like sure whatever

but here’s the thing
delilah may have been a retard
and samson may have been a double-retard
but the philistines are triple 360 kickflip retards to the moon
because in all this time
they have totally forgotten to cut samson’s hair
so he prays to god
like hey give me my strength back real quick
and god is like sure i guess your hair is long enough
so samson flexes his biceps
and basically just collapses the entire temple
killing himself
and all the philistines inside

the moral of the story is pretty simple guys
never cut your hair
also never let anyone else cut your hair
also never tell your treacherous wife
that cutting your hair will render you worthless
in fact
your best bet
is to just wear a helmet at all times
a helmet with a padlock on it
that you don’t have a key to
just in case

the end.

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MOTHERFUCKING NORSE MYTH AVALANCHE

OK SO GUYS
GUYS
I ALREADY LOST MY BET
I USED ALLCAPS WHEN I WAS TALKING TO SOME GUY
SO NOW IT IS ALLCAPS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TIME
TRUST ME THIS IS AWESOME

OK SO THE NORSE GODS RIGHT
ahem i mean the norse gods right
(gotta leave some room for UNDUE EMPHASIS ok)
they have these apples they eat
these sweet delicious golden apples
provided by this chick Idunn
and these apples
are the official sponsor
of never getting old ever
or at least never looking old
they are like botox apples
holy shit i should patent those
wow wow wow

ok anyway
on an unrelated note
one day Loki and Odin
and Odin’s brother Hoenir
who nobody cares about
except maybe odin
and i’m not even sure about that actually
decide to go on a camping adventure
except they don’t pack any food
like IDIOTS
so they do the manly thing
and kill an ox
and cook it for dinner
except instead of cooking it
they FAIL AT FIRE
for HOURS ON END
like they make a fire
and they put the meat in the fire
and they sit there and watch the meat attack the fire
for several hours
and then they take the meat out
and it is like goddamn beef sashimi
wait is it still beef if it is oxen?
whatever
you know what i mean
shit’s undercooked

so eventually
after a veritable cavalcade of failure
this eagle shows up
all like SQUAWK SQUAWK BITCHES
I CAN MAKE THAT FIRE WORK LIKE FIRE IS SUPPOSED TO
BUT IN EXCHANGE I GET TO EAT SOME OF THAT TASTY OXBEEF
and the gods are all pretty hungry so they are like sure fine
so then the eagle somehow turns the fire into a massive furnace
now if i was those guys
i would get pretty suspicious right around now
but these guys are professional retards
so they just go with it
and then the meat is cooked
and the eagle is like ok foodtime
and eats pretty much all of the meat in one bite

so obviously the gods are pretty pissed about this
and in fact loki is like GOD DAMMIT FEATHERTITS
YOU JUST MOUTHJACKED MY MEATSLAB
PREPARE TO GET PUNCHED
and he runs towards the eagle
and the eagle just kind of takes him
up into the mountains
and starts dragging his face over rocks
like WHO HAS THE FEATHERTITS NOW FEATHERTITS
HUH
WHO IS IT THAT HAS THEM
and loki is like IT’S ME IT’S ME
I HAVE THE FEATHERTITS
STOP REUPHOLSTERING MY FACE WITH THESE ROCKS
I LIKE HAVING SKIN
STOP STOP STOP
and the eagle is like NUP
GONNA KEEP RIGHT ON DOING THIS
UNTIL YOU PROMISE TO DELIVER ME
THOSE GOLDEN APPLES YOU GUYS EAT
THE ONES THAT ARE LIKE EDIBLE BOTOX
(ha HA
not so unrelated now
is it?)
and loki is like FINE FINE OW FINE OW
so then the eagle brings loki back to his friends
and they are like hey man how did you escape
and loki is like NOTHING SHUT UP
LETS GO HOME IM TIRED

so they go back to asgard
and loki sidles on up to that chick Idunn
not being shifty at all
like hey girl
i was just over in midgard and i saw this chick
who had apples JUST LIKE YOURS
pretty crazy huh
and Idunn is like yeah that is pretty crazy
and loki is like i know
it was so crazy
i was like WHAAAAAAAT
these can’t be the same apples
and then i thought to myself
there is only one way to find out
and that is to go get Idunn
and bring her all the way to Midgard
along with all her golden apples
so I can do a side-by-side comparison
this is the only way
and Idunn is like dur ok sounds reasonable
i am always looking for more apples to botox the aesir with

so Idunn follows loki over to Midgard
and no sooner are they across the bridge
when that goddamn asshole eagle swoops down
like NYAHAHAHA YOINK
and takes Idunn and all her apples
and then reveals that he is in fact a giant
named Thjazzi
although really that doesn’t matter
since he is basically an eagle forever all the time
anyway he takes idunn back to his place
and locks her in the highest tower
doesn’t even use the apples or anything
he is JUST DOING THIS TO BE A PRICK

so meanwhile
back in Asgard
the aesir are starting to get PRETTY SAGGY
and they are all hiding in their castle
like oh fuck oh shit what are we going to do
we’re ugly
how are we going to keep killing giants
and insulting dwarves
when we are ugly
they will just laugh at us
oh god this is like prom all over again
except then someone realizes
loki is totally not there
and they decide he is probably the cause
of all this bullshit
i mean really
they should have figured this out alot sooner
resolving aesir crises is pretty simple guys
here
let me make a flowchart

DO YOU HAVE A CRISIS?
YES
DID THE GIANTS DO IT?
NO?
LOKI DID IT.

GET LOKI TO SOLVE YOUR CRISIS

so that’s what they do
they find loki
and they are like hey asstrolley
did you fuck up again
and loki is like haha you got me
please don’t kill me
and they are like we won’t
provided you get the apples back
and loki is like fuck fine
why am i always held responsible for my actions

so he goes and finds freyja
who is apparently not part of this whole shit fiasco
and is like freyyyjaaaaaaa
i need to borrow your feather cloak again
you know the one that makes you fly
and is obscenely valuable
and freyja is like well i guess
since you didn’t steal it the last time i lent it to you
i’ll just go ahead and blindly trust you with it again
even though you could easily use it
to just escape all of the angry aesir
you know what fuck them
i’m a vanir anyway
i’m a fucking insurgent
here have this cloak
go nuts

so loki takes the cloak
and once again
is UNCHARACTERISTICALLY HONEST ABOUT THE WHOLE THING
he flies to Thjazzi’s place
and finds Idunn in the tower
and turns her and her apples into a nut
so he can carry them
and then gets the fuck out of there
and Thjazzi sees him and is like AW HELL NO
and turns into a massive eagle again
so loki is hauling ass through the clouds
and Thjazzi is hauling ass after him
and they are getting pretty close to asgard
so the gods see this happening
and they are like OH SHIT
QUICK
MAKE SOME FIRE
so they build a HUGE fire right in front of asgard
and loki flies over the twigs
and then right as thjazzi is flying over them
the flame suddenly goes FWOOOOOOOM
and immolates him six ways to sunday
and loki turns his nut into idunn and the apples
and no one has to be ugly ever again

so the moral of the story is
sometimes fire can cause problems
like when you end up indebted to a giant evil eagle
but it is okay
because any problem caused by fire
can be solved by a much larger fire

the end.

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Happy birthday god dammit

okay so this is the closest update day to your birthday
you
you know who you are
i am not going out of my way to make your birthday special
because i am a mean old bastard
and anyway i am in a bad mood today
because someone bet me i couldn’t go the whole time i’m in chicago
without using allcaps
so this blog is going to suffer heavily
only thing that could have been worse
is if they tried to get me to stop saying fuck

pee ess
now would be a good time to give me that other ten dollars
because i am in a city right now
with places to stay
and unlimited free internet
so i can actually upload videos this week
also i just spent like seven dollars on this cup of pink soup
and i have no idea what makes soup pink
i could die guys
i dont think i have health insurance

anyway here’s a myth about Cuchulainn again

so cuchulainn is still like 12 fucking years old
but apparently this goddess morrigan
who is the goddess of like
blood and awful shit
and tearing motherfuckers up
has heard of his deeds already
and is getting her ladyparts all slippery over them
so one day
cuchulainn is sleeping
when he hears this terrible awful noise
coming from the north
and he is like shit boys
saddle up my chariot
lets go see what that is

so he rides north for a bit
and he runs into this hot chick
with red hair
and a red cloak
and even red eyebrows
which saves cuchulainn having to ask
if the carpet matches the drapes
if you know what i mean
and i think you do

so cuchulainn is like who the hell are you
and she is like i am a chick
who is pretty hot
and who has heard of your deeds
i am here for your loving
and cuchulainn is like i am too busy murdering
go away
and this chick is like you know dude
i have been helping you win all those battles
and i will continue to help you
in exchange
for your young boy-loving
and if you turn me down
we will be enemies forever
and i will come and hinder you when you meet an opponent
who is a match for you

but cuchulainn is apparently a fucking idiot
and he is like bitch did you hear me
no means no
and he goes to smack her upside the head
but suddenly she is nowhere to be seen
and there is a raven sitting on a branch
looking at him like boy you done fucked up now
and suddenly he realizes he was talking to the goddess morrigan
and he is like shit
i done fucked up now

so anyway then he goes adventuring again
kills a ton of dudes
gets a ton of laid
and the very next day
he gets to this river
and he meets this dude Loch
and of course he is like come on dude
i am about to serve you up a hot heaping plate
of you getting killed by me right now
and lock is like psh yeah right
i won’t fight you
you don’t even have a beard
i only fight dudes with beards

so cuchulainn squats down by the roadside
and picks a bunch of berries
and crushes them up
and rubs them all over his face
to make it look like he has a wicked purple five o’clock shadow
and then he takes some grass
and sticks it to the berry juice
so he sets himself up
with the jankiest beard ever
(still better than my beard though now that i think of it)
and then he is like will you fight me now
and loch is like damn kid
how did you grow a beard so fast

so they start fighting
and true to her word
morrigan shows up to fuck with Cuhculainn’s shit
first she shows up as a big old red cow
and tries to knock him over
but cuchulainn just reaches over and breaks that cow’s leg
then she turns into an eel
and tries to trip him
but this is a stupid plan
because it puts her well within stomping range
so with a broken spine and a broken leg
morrigan becomes a wolf
and tries to maul the shit out of cuchulainn’s swording arm
but he is like fuck that
and pokes out her eye
then turns around
and murders Lock with his magic spear
the one with the thirty barbs
you know
the gae bolga
man that is such a funny goddamn name

anyway once he is finished like pissing on loch’s corpse
or ripping off his face
or skullfucking his kneecaps or something
cuchulainn continues across the river
and finds this old chick
milking a cow
and he’s like fuck i’m thirsty
can you give me a drink of that milk
and she is like sure
and she squirts some into his mouth
and he is like more
and she squirts some more
and then he is like more again
and she squirts more into his mouth and he is like ok
my thirst is quenched
that is enough cowpiss thank you
how can i ever repay you
and the woman turns to him
with a broken arm
and a broken spine
and a broken eye
and is like fix me the fuck up asshole
so then he heals her
for some reason
even though she has done nothing
other than try to coerce him into having sex with her
and then when that failed
try to make him die face down in a river
but anyway then he’s like are we even
and she’s like sure
and leaves

but then a few years later
on the way to some battle
cuchulainn sees these three old women
who are all morrigan
and they are like come eat this roast dog
which you are never supposed to eat
or you are prophecized to die
and cuchulainn is like are you sure guys
that sounds like a horrible idea
and they are like come onnn
and he is like ok
and eats it
and then goes ahead and gets killed in battle

but as soon as he realizes his is gonna die
he is like fuck this shit
i am going to die standing up
how is this possible
oh i know
i will tie myself to a rock with my own intestines
so he does that thing
and he dies
and no one is even sure he is dead
until morrigan turns into a raven and lands on his shoulder
and then everyone is like dear god finally

so the moral of the story
is if you find your mortal enemy on the side of the road
suffering from grevious wounds you inflicted
do not
i repeat
do not heal her
no matter how much free milk she offers you

the end.

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Breathing Fire Does Not Pay

GOOD NEWS FOR EVERYBODY
SOMEONE GAVE ME TEN DOLLARS
TEN MORE DOLLARS AND I RETELL GENESIS
GO FOR IT DUDES

Okay so Finn again right

now i realize
that in that last myth
i made finn out to be kind of an asshole
that is because
he was an asshole in that myth
but i figure i owe it to him
to tell you about how he became head of the Fianna

SO
first a bunch of random shit happens
like he gets born
and his dad gets murdered
and the sons of this dude Morna
who killed Finn’s dad
are trying to kill finn now
cause that’s what you do
so he hides for a bit
with two chicks
one is his mom i think
i dunno who the other on is

anyway they train him to be a great warrior
basically through child abuse
like they chase him around trees with a stick
and they throw him into the water without warning
and they put him in the middle of a field
with some rabbits
and say hey
don’t let these rabbits leave this field ok
so finn becomes a great hunter
like one time he throws a rock at a duck
and it cuts off the duck’s wings
what the fuck

anyway eventually he leaves with some poets
but then this dude murders all the poets
and leaves finn alive for some reason
then he goes home
but then he leaves again
and does a whole bunch of shit no one cares about
like beats some assholes in a swimming contest
and beats some dude at chess
and beats some guys at hunting
kills the dude who first wounded his father
and takes all his stuff
and goes to this coast where some poets are
and eats the fish of knowledge
instead of the dude who was supposed to eat it
so he gets a ton of knowledge
and then he goes to some well
also full of knowledge
and he starts to drink it
but then the chicks who own the well run out
like FUCK NO GET AWAY
and try to stop him
by THROWING A PITCHER OF WELL-WATER AT HIM
GREAT IDEA ASSHOLES
so then it gets in his mouth obviously and he gets more knowledge
and as a result
he writes a poem

god guys
that poem is so fucking long
it is difficult to accurately illustrate
how little of a shit
i give about that poem
pretty sure no one even gets murdered in it
although i can’t be sure
because i didn’t fucking read it
i got all the way to “here is another story
the blue goat gently nibbles on grass in the autumn sunlight of memory”
or some bullshit
anyway then interesting stuff happens

because Finn decides to show up
at this yearly conference
around Samhain
at his dad’s old kingdom
which is being run by those rascally sons of Morna
but see it is a special conference
where no one is allowed to have beef with anyone else

so he shows up
like hey remember that guy you killed
i’m his son though
don’t worry though
we aren’t allowed to have any beef
so i don’t
and then the sons of morna are like ok we’re cool
BY THE WAY
there is this dude terrorizing our town
which is called Teamhair
which just conjures a really gross mental image for me
but anyway
yeah
this dude shows up every year
on Samhain
his name is Aillen
what he does
is he plays music until everyone falls asleep
and then he breathes fire
on the town
and then he leaves
and then we have a year to rebuild the town
and he comes back and does it again
what the fuck right?
hey does anyone want to kill this guy?
seriously what an asshole

so apparently this conference
is also the pussnexus of the entirety of ireland
because no one wants to kill this firebreathing motherfucker
but then finn stands up like
what are you pussies
i’ll do it
and the sons of morna are like sure go nuts

so then this other guy
Fiacha
is like hey finn
you realize you’re fucked right
and finn is like yeah prolly
and fiacha is like what would you give me
if i brought you a magic spear
that will solve all your problems
and finn was like i dunno how much do you want
and fiacha is like a third of your loot from now on
plus a third of your friendship
and finn is like shit sure
i’m not using my friendship right now anyway
so fiacha gets him this spear

he is like here
have this weapon
when Aillen shows up
and starts making his sleepytimes music
just put the covering on the spear over your forehead
and it will protect you for some reason

so Finn goes out
and aillen shows up
and he starts doing his little snorefest symphony
and finn puts the spear cover on his forehead
so he is like
wired on caffeine or some shit
and then Aillen is like AWESOME EVERYONE IS ASLEEP
TIME TO BREATHE ALL THE FIRE
and he starts to do that
but then finn throws the spear through his heart
and then chops off his head just to be sure
and then he takes it
and puts it on a big spike in front of the castle
and after that i guess
everyone is so afraid of him
they elect him king of the Fianna
i guess king is something you can get elected to
i guess that makes sense
anyway then he gets to be king
and everything is great
until he gets drunk later and alienates his pals

so the moral of the story is
when life kills your dad
kill a mutant asshole with a magic spear
and i guess make … lemonade with his blood?

the end.

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Reverse Daterape?

Alright so
first of all you should give me money cuz i am poor
there’s that donation button over there
do you see it
i have to buy diesel and internet and sometimes food
and plus if you do
i just decided
i’ll totally retell the book of genesis

ANYWAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE
FINN
he is the captain of this band of irishmen
called the Fianna
clever right
actually the first time i read it
i thought fianna was like
finn’s sister or some shit
but no
just his clan
anyway one day all of them are sitting by a river
and this chick pops out of the water
all like HEY FIANNA
HOWSABOUT ONE OF YOU COMES OVER HERE
AND TALKS TO ME

and she’s pretty hot
so this one dude Sciathbreac
of the speckled shield
god
i understand why this guy isn’t mentioned in more stories
anyway he goes up to her like
alright which one of us do you want to talk to
and she is like Finn please
and Sciathbreac is like jesus fuck why didn’t you just say that
i could have just not gotten up
and no one would have had to type out my name later
when this myth is retold

so then finn walks up to her like hey gorgeous
what’s good
and the chick is like first of all my name is Diareann
i know my name kind of looks like diarrhea
but don’t let that fool you
because I am not full of shit when i tell you
i am here to have sex with you
tons of it
all the time
and finn is like ok what’s the catch
and diareann is like well you gotta marry me
and be faithful to me
for ONE WHOLE YEAR
and then i get half your time after that

so finn is like HAH I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY
I HAVE TOO MUCH PENIS FOR THAT
SO SUCK IT
OR RATHER DON’T
BECAUSE I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR DEAL
YOU CAN STILL SUCK MY PENIS THOUGH I GUESS
JUST ON MY TERMS
NOT YOURS
BECAUSE I REFUSE THOSE
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

and diareann is like ok fine
here have this
and she takes out a cup
and pours it full of some kind of strong booze
and finn is like what the fuck is that
and she is like it is really potent mead
and finn is like fuck
i have a vow
that says any time
anyone offers me
ANYTHING
that you can use to PARTY
i must accept it
so he grabs that mead
and chugs it so hard
that like ten other dudes
all across ireland
suddenly find their cups empty

BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE
THAT MEAD WAS SPIKED
it was spiked
with ASSHOLE JUICE
not juice from an asshole
but juice that turns you into an asshole
so finn turns around
and just starts insulting all his friends
like
OY, SHITHANDS
WHY DONT YOU STOP SHITTING IN YOUR HANDS FOR A SECOND
AND TRY TO LIKE
WIN A BATTLE FOR ONCE
or
HEY PUSSNEXUS
DO YOU HAVE DICKS FOR HANDS
OR DO I HAVE TO FIND YOU ANOTHER EXCUSE
FOR COCKING UP ALL THE TIME
or
HEY ASSCLOWN
THIS IS NOT THE DIPSHIT CIRCUS
THIS IS AN ARMY
WHY DON’T YOU PACK UP YOUR FAILURE FESTIVAL
AND MOVE IT ON DOWN THE ROAD TO TOOLTOWN

so all his men are like
we dont have to stand for this
and one by one they just pack their shit
and head home
eventually leaving finn totally alone
except for some dude Caolite
who i guess just likes to be insulted or something
cause then what that dude does
is he runs after ALL THIRTEEN OF THE GUYS WHO LEFT
and is like guys come on
he’s just wasted
we all get wasted right
we’re irish
come on
and all the other guys are like ok fine
we’ll come back
as long as we get to murder some dudes later
and Caolite is like are you kidding
we are going to murder so many dudes
ALL the dudes
EVERY dude

so by the time Caolite is finished fixing all of finn’s problems
Finn is totally sobered up and apologetic
thus beginning a proud tradition
of getting drunk and causing problems
and then later some chick offers him a bunch of walnuts
but he is like NO THANK YOU
THOSE ARE DATERAPE WALNUTS
and in fact they are

so i guess he learned his lesson
which is don’t accept edible gifts
from chicks with agendas

the end.

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