Beowulf Eats Napalm and Shits Asses, Which He Kicks (Part 1)

(i fixed the music upload so it’s the whole song now
and not just an infernal cocktease
)

Man what the fuck Beowulf
this guy
this guy we are about to be talking about
is one of the few legendary heroes
who actually has sufficient ball mass
to back up all the guff he is dishing out
faster than free samples outside a fucking smoothie joint
(see also: hercules)
let me show you what I mean

so our story begins with this dude Hrothgar
shitting his pants over this unkillable monster named Grendel
(actually it begins with the lineage of Hrothgar
but raise your hand if you give a shit)
so Grendel is a descendant of Cain apparently
you know
the vegetarian dipshit who killed his brother
and the OTHER thing Grendel is
is he is the ultimate party-crasher

see at the start of this story
basically what Grendel is doing
is every night
when Hrothgar settles down to have himself a sweet party
in his meadhall
Grendel comes charging out of the swamp
humps the door down
and proceeds to play cockhockey with the internal organs
of all the people who are trying to get their booze on
he does this FOR TWELVE YEARS
there are several shocking things about this
one is that these are twelve years of solid murder we are talking about
but more importantly
where do they keep getting dudes
to come to these parties
after say
the first SIX YEARS of unstoppable death
you would think word would get around
like hey
party at Hrothgar’s crib tonight
are you coming
nah man I hear THERE IS A MONSTER THERE WHO MURDERS EVERYONE
but perhaps most bizarre
is the fact that Hrothgar CONTINUES to party throughout these 12 years
this is clearly a man who is committed to partying
i mean think about it
TWELVE YEARS
that’s twice as long as WORLD WAR TWO
and yet every night
Hrothgar mops the blood off his floor
invites all the friends who survived the last massacre
and does that shit all over again
AND HE NEVER RUNS OUT OF MEAD

So this shit has been going on for A WHILE by time Beowulf shows up
with all his men and his sword and shit
basically because he heard there was something suicidally dangerous he could do
and i guess he was bored of punching mountains in the face
and eating swords and fire and shitting shrapnel

so after scaring the shit out of the coastguard
Beowulf busts into Hrothgar’s meadhall
like HEY I HEARD YOU HAVE MONSTERS
WELL ACTUALLY JUST ONE MONSTER
THAT’S NOT THAT MANY MONSTERS
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT
TO EVEN IT OUT
HOW ABOUT I DO IT NAKED
USING ONLY MY FISTS
I’M BEOWULF MOTHERFUCKER
HOO HAH

and Hrothgar is like well alright
but you know
you are not the first person to have this idea
shit has been going on for TWELVE YEARS
I cannot emphasize this enough
and beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLD
AND WHEN I COUGH
KILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTH
I’M BEOWULF
DO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOU
I HOPE NOT
BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

and Hrothgar is like
well shit
let’s party

so these guys party
they party HARD
and in the middle of this hard hard party
some dipshit named Unferth is like hey beowulf
I heard you lost a swimming contest against this dude Breca
looks like your ass is not as bad as you would have us believe
and Beowulf
well Beowulf is so fucking pissed off about this
he stops talking in allcaps for a little while

he is like look asshole
first of all
at that point in the competition
we had each been swimming for FIVE DAYS
that is five as in high five
and days as in who the fuck do you know who can swim for five days straight
and i was about to win too
except at that very moment
I got attacked by a fucking SEA SERPENT
so i killed it
OBVIOUSLY
and then i was like shit
well i’m already underwater here
might as well murder eight more seamonsters
and by the time i was done with that the race was pretty much over
so I just passed out and washed ashore somewhere in finland
that is what happened
so you can just go ahead
and spend the next fifteen years of your life
inserting incrementally larger wooden cocks into your mouth
in order to prepare you for the incredible honor
of choking to death on the solid gold tree trunk
that is tasked with holding up my NINE ENORMOUS TESTICLES
so Unferth shuts up after that

then the party kind of starts to wind down
so beowulf just goes ahead and strips naked
in the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possible
which actually he fails to do
because it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anyway
so naked fisticuffs are optimal
(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows up
makes a big show of ripping the doors off
which actually begs the question
do they replace the doors every day?
or does Grendel replace the doors every day
just so he will have something to rip off at night?
either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf’s men
while Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEE
INTERESTING

but finally Grendel gets around to actually attacking beowulf
except when he reaches down to grab him
beowulf just grabs his arm instead
with a vicegrip honed by DECADES OF FURIOUS MASTURBATION
and it is at this point that Grendel realizes he is in way over his head

so Grendel immediately starts trying to get the fuck out of there
and Beowulf responds by climbing on top of him
steering him into every breakable object in the room
and then tearing off his arm with his bare hands
this is what we call a decisive victory

but of course after that
since Beowulf was basically just holding onto Grendel by his arm
Grendel gets away
and Beowulf is left to bitch about not murdering him outright
while basically getting fellated by the entire Danish party crew
but only figuratively
because actually what everyone is doing
is riding around on horses and yelling a lot
this is what you do when you are excited in ancient Denmark
we have not come very far since ancient times

so that’s part one of three
hold on to your arms
because part two promises to RIP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU

NOT THE END AT ALL

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DOUBLEPOST! OEDIPUS!

So I’ve been working on this for a while, and now here it is: Oedipus Unedited. (actually edited quite a lot. I just started experimenting with EQ and mastering and junk, and as you can tell, I am still in the “throwing wrenches at it and watching it explode” stage of experimentation. If any of you have mastering expertise, let me know.)

The sick beats are courtesy of this guy. Give him your money and your self-respect. He likes those things.

So lookie there, yall just got a free mp3 (except for Jason “Sexypecs” Nelson, who paid me 20 dollars to do this for you. WORSHIP HIM.)I mean it’s set up so you can pay money for it if you want to but come on, who here is going to do that?

so:

PS: The current Myth Queue is
- Beowulf (someone actually paid me ten bucks to tell this one, so it jumps to the front. Also i’m gonna do it in 3 parts since it’s one LONG motherfucker.)
- Then Spring-heeled Jack
Also I have just been commissioned to write a rap version of the Song of Roland, which I haven’t even read. So that’s gonna be fun.
Keep requesting myths. I’ll keep taking your requests. You want to feel important, don’t you?

Also if you came late to the game, part 2 of the Aeneid is under this post.

The things I do for you people.

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The Aeneid: The Iliad, but with more war (Part 2)

Alright so
when last we left our hero
he was finally getting his ass over to italy
BUT NOT SO FAST
because FIRST
he has to go
TO HELLLLLL
to see his dad so his dad can tell him about the future
this is not as easy as it sounds
and it does not sound easy

basically in order to prove that the fates want Aeneis in hades
he has to go into some nearby forest
and find this golden branch
and pull it off the tree it’s growing out of
and then give it to Charon
the boatguy of the damned
and then and only then does he get to fraternize with corpses
so he does all that shit
with the help of holy doves
and he goes to Charon like sup dude can you take me to hades
and charon is like bitch you best step off
and Aeneas is like how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIG
and charon is like oh shit fine

so than Aeneas is in hell
and who does he see
but DIDO
cause she KILLED HERSELF OVER HIM
so he feels kind of bad about that
but anyway he finds his dad
and then he is like sup dad did you wanna tell me something
that you could not have just told me
when you showed up as a ghost earler?
and his dad is like not really son
i just wanted to tell you some facts about hell
also your descendants are going to found rome
and it’s going to be a great empire and whatnot
because this book is basically a propaganda piece
for the great roman empire
did i already how tell you how great caesar is going to be
he’s going to be a pretty great dude no lie

so after Aeneas is done with all THAT bullshit
it is time for him to get more of his men murdered
so first off he and his men are sitting on the shores of italy
like damn we are hungry
let’s eat some fruit
using all of this awful rock hard bread as tables
oh man that fruit was nowhere near enough food
how about we eat our breadtables
OH SNAP
THE HARPY’S CURSE JUST CAME TRUE
WE JUST GOT SO HUNGRY WE ATE OUR TABLES
THAT WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS WE EXPECTED
KIND OF FEEL GYPPED NOW GUYS
so that’s one obstacle down

but then they still gotta found their kingdom and everything
so they go hit up this dude Latinus
king of the latins
and also his daughter
Lavinia
and they are like hey can we chill for a while
and Latinus is like sure guys no problem
how about you just marry my daughter too while you’re at it
because see
Latinius heard a prophecy
all like “FOREIGN ARMY GONNA CONQUER YOUR KINGDOM SON”
and he was like shit i better ask the oracle to clarify this
because everyone knows that is exactly what oracles do
they clarify things
so basically the oracle is like HEY HEY
YOU SHOULD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER OFF TO AENEAS
NOT TURNUS
WHO IS A GOOD FRIEND OF YOUR KINGDOM
AND HAS BEEN COURTING HER
FOR YEARS
YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRS
so Latinus is like sure no problem
and that is what he does

but NOT SO FAST, SUGARTITS
remember Juno?
she is not ABOUT to let anyone be happy just yet
i mean this is only book 7
there are 12 books
what the fuck do you think is going to happen in the next five
sewing circle?
FAT CHANCE
man having read this fucking legend
i really wish it had just ended here
reading the Aeneid was not a pleasant experience for me

so ok what happens next
is Juno sends this fury Allecto
to go piss off Latinus’s wife Amata
by wrapping a snake around her legs or something
so she is all like BLUH BLUH KILL AENEAS
and then Juno also tricks one of Aeneas’s dudes
into killing Turnus’s favorite stag accidentally
which is apparently enough reason
for shepherds to start murdering the FUCK out of Aeneas’s dudes
and from that point it’s just a nonstop avalance of murder
for like 5 books
wait 4 books
yeah that’s right
the murder does not stop until the VERY LAST PAGE
and actually
(SPOILER ALERT)
it doesn’t even stop then
you have to turn to the page after the last page
like
the acknowledgements
although depending on the edition you’re reading
there might be murder in the acknowledgements too
your best bet is to find one of the blank pages
they always leave in the front and back of books
presumably for people like me to draw dicks on
i’ve been experimenting with these for YEARS and i have found NO OTHER USE FOR THEM

so yeah then a war happens
Turnus is especially excited about this
since Aeneas was poised to snatch his woman
but really everyone is jazzed about special murder time
with the notable exception
of king Latinus
but finally
after a lot of yelling
he is just like CHRIST GUYS GET OFF MY DICK
I’M GOING TO SLEEP DO WHAT YOU WANT
so war
yes

first thing Aeneas does is run away
now to be fair
he is running away to get reinforcements
but that is not going to stop me
from calling him a pussy
so he goes to a place called Latium
and gets him some Latiums
and then he sails his ass all the way to Arcadia
where this king Evander guy
is like YEAH SURE WE’LL HELP YOU KILL LATINS
BUT FIRST LET US FEAST
NOT LIKE YOU’VE GOT ANY TIME PRESSURE OR ANYTHING
so they feast
and shoot the shit for a while
and then suddenly remember OH SHIT WE NEED TO GO FIGHT LATINS
and they raise an army of several thousand
but there are too many dudes for Aeneas’s boats
so they have to walk
which SUCKS

meanwhile Venus is like hey Vulcan
(Hephaestus)
make our kid Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like hold on
how do I know that’s even my son
and Venus is like come on i’m your wife
and Vulcan is like you’re also a WHORE
and Venus is like i’ll suck your dick if you make Aeneas some armor
and Vulcan is like now THAT’S what i pay you for
(why did he marry her?)
so Aeneas is on his way back to the war
when venus shows up like HEY SON
GOT YOU SOME ARMOR
IT’S GOT THE HISTORY OF ROME ON IT
PRETTY SWEET HUH

meanwhile Turnus is like hey Aeneas is gone
how about we kill all his dudes
so he leads his army over to their camp
but he can’t find a way in
so he just sets their ships on fire
but PLOT TWIST
turns out the boats are made of sacred wood
so instead of catching on fire
they dive under the water and turn into NYMPHS
BOOYAH
at which point Turnus is just like fuck this
SIEGETIME

so the Trojans are well fucked at this point
and decide their best bet is to get word to Aeneas
so they get these two dudes
Nisus and Eurylaus
to sneak out and get Aeneas
but apparently they confuse “sneak out and get Aeneas”
with “kill as many Latins as possible
until they hear the sound of your massive lootbag
and cut off your heads
and parade them on stakes in front of the Trojan camp”
these guys are not great at following directions
so then the Latins decide to attack
they manage to collapse a tower
but then the Trojans charge out of the fort like YAAA
and kill a bunch of dudes
then Turnus kills a bunch of dudes
and gets inside the city
but there’s too many dudes in there
so he has to jump in the river and float to safety
WHY DO THE LATINS NOT JUST SWIM IN THROUGH THE RIVER

Meanwhile Jupiter is watching this shit happen
like what the fuck Juno
what did you do
Just stop, ok?
please just stop
and Juno is like psh fine
i guess enough people have died
and will continue to die
as a result of my dickery

then Aeneas gets a boat
and arrives at the battle
and everyone kills each other a whole bunch
mainly Aeneas kills everyone
but also Turnus kills Pallas
who is the son of Evander
who Aeneas was specifically supposed to protect
and he gets REALLY PISSED OFF
(kind of like Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliad
kind of EXACTLY LIKE ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS IN THE ILIAD)
and he kills even MORE dudes
pretty much singlehandedly winning the battle
like i don’t even know why he brought dudes with him
this guy is a one man meatgrinder

so at this point Juno is like can i please just make Turnus not die
and Jupiter is like psh fine i guess
so Juno makes Turnus hallucinate SO HARD
he chases what he thinks is Aeneas onto a boat
and then the boat sails away
good luck explaining that later asshole

so then everyone is pretty tired of war for the next 12 days
and basically just dick around
you know
BURYING THEIR MOUNDS OF DEAD
and during this time king Latinus is also kind of like hey guys
we’re losing this war
harder than anyone has ever lost a war
and that is a tall order
considering the trojan war just fucking happened
can we just cede some territory and bow out of this murderfest?
and Turnus is like PUSSY
and Latinus is like oh yeah tough guy
howsabout dueling Aeneas to end this shit for good
and Turnus is like NO TIME GOTTA GO FIGHT MORE TROJANS
cause see the trojans are on their way right at that very moment
to fuck Lavinium down around the Latins’ ears
and then fuck their ears

so along with the great warrior maiden Camilla
Turnus rides out to
you guessed it
murder more dudes
but Camilla is murdering EVEN MORE DUDES
MORE DUDES THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
until she sees something shiny
and gets herself stabbed trying to get it
The Aeneid:
Most crucial piece of feminist literature ever?
anyway it’s all downhill from there
and basically the Latins end up cowering in their city
wishing they had never listened to Turnus

well Turnus finally decides to take responsibility for his actions
and duel Aeneas for all the marbles
those marbles being Lavinia’s tits
but Juno gets all worried
cuz she knows Aeneas is way better at killing than Turnus is
so remember when Juno promised not to interfere anymore?
well FUCK THAT SHIT
SHE’S A GODDESS
SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS
she hits up Turnus’s sister Juturna
like hey chick
get war started again so Turnus doesn’t have to die in this duel
come on
you have the power
to replace Turnus’s death
with a thousand pointless deaths
and Juturna is like I’LL DO IT
so she dresses up like a noble
and goes over to the Latin soldiers
like hey
hey
i bet you could win right now
if you all just threw your spears
look
they are totally not expecting you to do this
because they are HONORABLE FUCKING PEOPLE
so a Latin dude throws his spear
and then all hell breaks loose
for like the FOURTEENTH TIME
and when the smoke clears
Aeneas has been shot in the leg
and Amata has been shot in the leg
and a bunch of dudes..
well
they have been killed
and we are back to square one
with Turnus challenging Aeneas to a duel again

so this time they actually fight
and Aeneas seems to have somehow acquired Turnus’s ass
at some earlier time
because during this battle
he HANDS IT TO HIM
and turnus is lying on the ground
like please Aeneas
don’t chop off my head
you can have Lavinia and everything it’s fine
i would just like to keep my head exactly where it is on my body
and Aeneas is like nope
and kills him

and that ends the story of Aeneas
which is basically just a combination of the Odyssey and Iliad
with most of the names changed
and less mercy
and a lot more hailing of Caesar and the Roman empire
so the moral of the story is
plagiarism is wrong
unless it’s government sponsored plagiarism

good luck on your term papers guys.

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Aeneas is the store brand version of Odysseus (Part ONE!)

Hey so first of all
I wanna thank the good people from dailygrail.com
for singlehandedly composing most of my site traffic
seriously you guys rock
keep doing that

second I want to thank the mysterious A
for rescuing me from writer’s block once again
by requesting this myth

now i am sick of thanking people
so let’s talk about boobs and violence

so you all remember the trojan war right?
if you don’t, too bad
gonna pretend you do
so basically after all the murdering happens
the trojans are stupid enough
to invite a giant hollow wooden horse full of enemies into their city
one thing leads to another
and the next thing you know troy is on fire
and the war is basically over
because it is hard to have a war when you are on fire

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because there is this dude Aeneas
he shows up somewhere in the Iliad pretty sure
son of Venus and shit
anyway he is in the middle of all this fire like FUCK THIS
and he goes and grabs his dad
and his wife
and carries them out of the city on his back
but then he loses his wife
but it’s okay because like i said he is the SON OF VENUS
so (spoiler alert) PUSSY IS NOT GOING TO BE HARD TO COME BY
we’ll get to that in a minute

oh yeah also
guess who hates Aeneas
could it be the same celestial antagonist
who repeatedly fucked over HERCULES
AND IO
AND GANYMEDE
AND SEMELE
AND PELIAS???
you got it my friends
i’m talking about Hera
AHEM
Juno
because this story is basically a roman rebranding
of everything that was good about greece
think of the Aeneid
as the 2001 Zac Snyder remake
of George Romero’s classic zombie film Dawn of the Dead
where suddenly zombies can run really fast
and they replace character development with a bus full of chainsaws
okay that sounds sweeter than I intended to

ANYWAY
so Aeneas gets some ships
and he puts some survivors on those ships
and they go gallivanting all over to thrace
where they find some creepy bleeding tree
and then they go to Delos and Apollo is like sup guys
you better go to the land of your forefathers
and they are like where is that
and Apollo is like shit i dunno
figure it out
so they try Crete
and start building a city there
but then they get a plague
and Apollo shows up like oh shit guys i just found my notes
you were supposed to go to Italy
my bad

so they get on their boats again
but there is a storm
and they end up on this island Strophades
where harpies show up to shit on their dinner
and they try and fight the harpies
but the harpies are like HEY HOW ABOUT WE CURSE YOU
BY SAYING THAT YOU WILL NOT GET TO SET UP YOUR KINGDOM
UNTIL HUNGER DRIVES YOU TO EAT YOUR FUCKING TABLES
and everyone is like shit that’s no good

so then they go to Buthrotum
which is this greek city
but some trojans took it over
after they got brought there as prisoners
their names are Helenus and Andromache
and they are like hey Aeneas
if you wanna go to italy
you’re gonna have to go the long way around
cuz if you go the short way
you’re gonna have to deal with scylla and charybdis
SEE
SEE HOW WE EXIST WITHIN THE CLASSIC GREEK CANON
and then not only that
but on their way around italy
this dude comes running up to their ship like HOLY SHIT HELP ME
and they are like who are you
and he is like I AM ONE OF ODYSSEUS’S MEN
except he says Ulysses not Odysseus
because the Romans just have to change EVERYBODY’S NAMES
and he goes on to say that Ulysses stabbed a cyclops in the eye
and escaped
and now this dude is cyclopsfucked up the yinyang
and just then a bunch of cyclopes show up
and Aeneas is like OH SHIT GET ON MY BOAT
and then they get the fuck out of there

so THEN is when Juno starts fucking with everybody
see Juno is pissed
because Aeneas is supposed to eventually conquer carthage
which is like Juno’s favorite city for some reason
so she hits up the wind god Aeolus
like hey dude howsabout ruining some ships for me
so Aeolus is like WOOOSH MOTHERFUCKERS
until posiedon sees what’s up and is like hey dude
this is my ocean
yall best step off
so the storm clears up just in time
and Aeneas and some of his crew arrive
IN CARTHAGE
and not only that
but the queen there
Dido
sees Aeneas and is like WHOA
I WANNA SHOVEL SOME OF THAT IN MY SEX FURNACE
and why does she do this?
she does this because Venus MAKES HER DO IT
like I said
NO TROUBLE GETTING LAID

so Dido sits Aeneas down
and is like tell me about your travels
so he tells her all the shit i just told you
in a flashback SHOCKINGLY REMINISCENT OF ODYSSEUS’S FLASHBACK TO THE PHAEACIANS
and then Juno is like OH MY GOODNESS
IF I GET THESE TWO LOVEBIRDS BANGIN REGULAR-LIKE
THEN AENEAS WON’T EVER LEAVE TO START ROME
WHICH IS THE POINT OF HIS MISSION
so she goes over to Venus like hey
Venus
wanna help me get your son laid
and Venus is like hey
i know what you’re up to
but yes

so Dido and Aeneas start banging
regular-like
but then hermes shows up like hey aeneas
you have a quest remember
and Aeneas is like oh shit that’s right
look Dido i know i took your honor and everything
but i gotta go
right now in the middle of the night
while you are asleep
before you wake up and get mad at me
but then she wakes up and gets mad at him
but he still leaves
and then she sets herself on fire
so that’s fun

So Aeneas and co sail to Eryx
where they have a nine day party in honor of his dad’s death
oh yeah his dad died
a year ago
so much for saving him from that fire
anyway the party includes a lot of sports
and everyone gets prizes no matter what
so they will all feel special
also a guy punches a cow so hard its brain comes out

meanwhile Juno pisses off everybody’s wives
and they set all the ships on fire
but then Aeneas is like hey Zeus I mean Jupiter
put these fires out
and Jupiter is like ok
but then Aeneas is like fuck
i don’t want all these homicidal wives on my ship
maybe we should just make Rome here
and one of his dudes is like no man
just leave all the homicidal wives and old people here
and then we can go start rome with only the manliest men
and then the ghost of Aeneas’s dad shows up like YESSSS
ALSO VISIT ME IN HELL SON

so with this sage advice,
Aeneas gets back on his boat
and starts sailing to italy again
and Venus
knowing that this is the perfect opportunity
for more of Juno’s bullshit
is like hey Poseidon
i know you like making bigass waves and shit
but just this once could you chill out
and let Aeneas sail uneventfully to Italy?
and Poseidon is like fine i guess
but i’m gonna make a dude fall asleep at the wheel of his boat
and fall off and die
that ok?
and Venus is like sure fine

and i’m going to cut this short here
and continue on Thursday
because i do NOT want this post
to be as long as the fucking Mabinogi
and yall just keep requesting ultralong myths

NOT the end

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The Mabinogion is a cavalcade of consonants

I want to take this time to say
To my good friend Andrew “D is for douchebag” Gable
That I am very grateful to him
For recommending this myth
(the last 3 myths were all recommendations
you guys are on a roll)
but dear god this myth is a clusterfuck
and I hate you so much
your name will rot in hell for eternity

SO THE MYTH
Alright so there’s this king right
His name is an unpronounceable string of consonants
Just like every other welsh name
I’m not even going to bother looking his up though
And painfully transcribing it here
Because he’s not that important
And neither is his wife Goleuddydd
But I needed to give you an example
of the kind of shit I am dealing with
anyway basically what happens is they have a kid
Kilhwch
Who actually is pretty important
Even though the consonant to vowel ratio in his name
Is SIX TO ONE
Ok but then Goleuddydd dies
and she is like hey husband I know you’re gonna marry some other chick
but at least wait until brambles start growing on my grave first ok
also no cheating
you can’t just plant brambles there or fail to take care of the grave
they have to be for serious brambles
and the king is like OH YEAH TOTALLY
OOPS DID YOU DIE JUST NOW?
HMM LOOKS LIKE BRAMBLES ARE GROWING ON YOUR GRAVE
WIFETIME!

(actually to be fair he does wait 7 years
but he specifically doesn’t have anyone tend to the grave
and he like rides by the graveyard every day
to check if any brambles are growing yet)

So he’s like hm who should I marry
Oh this other king has a wife I like
How bout I take her
So he goes and murders the king and sacks his kingdom
And takes his wife
And his wife’s daughter
And then he is like hey new wife this is my son Kilhwch
And his wife is like oh good
Hey little boy wanna marry my daughter
And Kilhwch is like I’M LIKE TWELVE GODDAMN YEARS OLD WOMAN
GIMME A MINUTE TO LET MY BALLS DROP
And the chick is like fine asshole
I hereby declare
That you are only allowed to marry this chick Olwyn
Daughter of professional huge asshole Yspadadden Penkawr
And Kilhwch is like SWEET I LOVE OBSTACLES
Oh shit wait how am I going to pull this shit off

But luckily
Kilhwch’s cousin
Is KING MOTHERFUCKING ARTHUR
FOR WHOM NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
And right now
The dude is doling out favors like a mortally wounded piñata
All you gotta do is show up
And ask him to cut your hair
And BOOM
INSTANT BOON

So Kilhwch shows up at arthur’s place
And the porter is like no you can’t come in
And Kilhwch is like if you don’t let me in I’ll scream so loud
Your wife will have an abortion
And the porter is like lemme go talk to my boss
Hey boss
I just saw THE MOST HONORABLE MAN POSSIBLE OUTSIDE
And Arthur is like HOLY SHIT THAT IS HIGH PRAISE
GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN HERE
And kilhwch rides in on his horse like sup
I have all this hair and I need it cut
Can we make this happen
And Arthur is like YESSSSSSSSS

So while Arthur is making Kilhwch look all pretty and shit
He is like ok so while I’m cutting your hair
Are there any boons I can get you
And Kilhwch is like yeah as a matter of fact
I’m tryna marry this chick Olwyn
But I can’t find her and am too lazy to try
So how about you get her for me
I also need that exact same boon
From all of your men
Except in the original text
He does not say it like that
He specifically names
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF ARTHURS’ MEN
COMPLETE WITH GENEOLOGY
AND FUN FACTS
Some of the facts are actually pretty fun
Like did you know
That no one struck Morvan son of Tegid in battle
Because he was so butt ugly everyone thought he was a demon?
Seriously there are all kinds of motherfuckers in this court
Like the chief leaper of Ireland
And a dude whose specialty is ruining barns
And a guy who is dead already and I don’t know why he’s on the list
BUT WHAT THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON
ARE SHITTY UNPRONOUNCABLE NAMES

Here is a brief workshop on welsh naming conventions:

Step one: pick exactly one vowel
Step two: pick seven or eight consonants worth at least 4 points each in scrabble
Step three: Add a w
You know what
Fuck it
Add twelve of those little fuckers
Step four: wonder where you went wrong in your life

Seriously
Like this list goes on for PAGES and PAGES
An incomprehensible alphabet soup of pain and regret
But anyway back to the story

So Arthur is like hm
Never heard of Olwyn
But hold on let me spend a year sending messengers everywhere
And then he sends messengers everywhere
And a year later NONE OF THEM HAVE FOUND OLWYN
So Kilhwch is getting pretty pissed
He is like I did not come here and demand favors from you
Just to have you not grant me those favors
And Arthur is like whoa whoa chill out
I’ll send some of my best dudes out with you
And you can find this chick and we’ll be cool
Here
Take Kai
He doesn’t need to sleep and he can breathe underwater
Also he is waterproof
And has all the powers of apache chief from the justice league
Also you can have Bedwyr
He only has one hand but he’s a plucky underdog with something to prove
Also here’s a dude who speaks every language
And some other dudes who will pretty much never be mentioned again
Also Menw
Resident illusionist and deus ex machina

So the merry band sets out to go fuck up some shit
And they find a castle
And in front of the castle is a sheperd with a big dog
He’s a huge asshole and they happen to know this
But it’s okay because Menw enchants the dog so it won’t attack them
And then they walk up to him like hey sup
Whose castle is this
And he is like it is the castle of Yspadadden Penkawr
Can’t you tell
Then for some reason he invites them over to his house

So they all go sleep in his house
And they meet his wife
And Kilhwch is like hey do you know Olwyn
I’m tryna get up on that
Can you summon her over here for me
And the wife is like sure
Hey Olwyn
And olwyn is like what
And Kilhwch is like marry me
And Olwyn is like I’d love to
Except it’s kind of my dad’s decision
And if I ever get married he’ll die
So he tends to make it kind of hard on my suitors
But as long as you go do whatever he asks you to do
We can start bangin’ straightaway

So the next day Kilhwch and crew go see Yspadadden
Like hey daughter please
And Yspadadden is like sure no problem
Lemme just throw this poison spike at you first
And Bedwyr catches it and throws it at Yspadadden’s knee
And Yspadadden is like damn that hurt you are so fucking rude
So then they come back the next day
And basically the same thing happens
Except Menw catches the dart
And throws it through Yspadadden’s chest
And Yspadadden is like dammit ow you rude bastard
And then this happens AGAIN THE NEXT DAY
Except Kilhwch catches it
And throws it through Yspadadden’s EYE
And yspadadden is like JESUS THAT HURTS
YOU WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE SON IN LAW
BUT I AM OUT OF DARTS NOW
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT
And Kilhwch is like I said daughter plz
And Yspadadden is like o sure no problem
Just do me a favor first
All you gotta do
Is plow that field over there
And have it sprout
By the end of today

Now guys
Are you thinking what I’m thinking at this point?
That this sounds suspiciously like the story
Of Jason and the Argonauts?
Well fear not
Because when Kilhwch is like psh no problem
Yspadadden proceeds to add
THIRTY NINE COMPLICATIONS
Or roughly that many
I kind of lost track when I got mired in this THICK LAKE OF BULLSHIT
You know what I think happened?
I think whoever wrote this
Just had a WHOLE BUNCH OF REALLY GREAT STORY IDEAS
But NOT A LOT OF TIME
And so he was like lemme use some of my trademark welsh efficiency
And even more of my trademark welsh CRAZY
And just ramrod these storychunks together into a reconstituted legend patty
Then forcefeed it to the poor bastards tasked with reading this shit
So I’m going to spare you what I had to go through
And basically just break this shit down for you
Because if I told you all the tomfoolery Kilhwch is expected to accomplish
You would not remember it
And you would hate me as much as I hate the guy who requested this myth

So here’s basically what Kilhwch has to do:
CREATE THE ULTIMATE PARTY FOR HIS OWN WEDDING NIGHT
Like he’s got to get a bunch of flax
And kill an evil boar
And get some drink horns
And like a magic comb and scissors for Yspadadden to shave himself with
And all of the dudes necessary to hunt these things
Or just preside over the bullshit
For example the king of france is apparently vital to this operation
Even though his only job is to watch everyone hunt this fucking boar
And after every single ludicrous task Yspadadden mentions
Kilhwch is just like sure
No problem
I got this

But see Kilhwch has a secret
Which is that he has no intention of actually accomplishing this shit himself
He just rolls on over to Arthur’s pad
Like hey dude
Do these things for me
And Arthur is like sure buddy no problem
And he raises the massive army necessary to do these things
And they go gallivanting away on this dumbshit adventure

So the first thing they gotta do is get this sword belonging to this giant
So Kai is like hey giant lemme polish your sword
And the giant is like sure my sword needs polishing
And kai is like whoops I accidentally stabbed you to death
And now I have your sword

Then they gotta find this dude Mabon son of Modron
So they do the only sensible thing
And go ask a bird
Who leads them to a stag
Who leads them to an eagle
Who leads them to a giant salmon
who happens to know where Mabon is
So I guess if you are looking for someone
Just ask pigeons about it and you are guaranteed success

Then they are supposed to find some wolf cubs that used to be people
But when they surround them with their armies
God turns them back into people
So problem solved I guess

Then one dude saves some ants from a fire
And they reward him with a ton of flax
Which was another thing they needed apparently

Oh also they need to make a rope out of this dude’s beard
So they get him drunk
And put him in a hole
And then shave off his beard
And make a rope
And then cut off his face
At which point kai gets sick of this bullshit and quits
BUT THE QUESTS KEEP COMIN’

So then there is just another ream of unpronounceable welsh names
Only these are mainly names of people who get killed during this quest
Also they steal a cauldron from some irish dude
And then it is time for the big kahuna
Twrch Trwyth
Yeah that’s right
NO VOWELS AT ALL
FUCK YOU READERS
IF YOU COUNT Y AS A VOWEL YOU’RE A BAD PERSON
Anyway Twrch is a boar
He is a boar who for some reason carries hair care supplies between his ears
MAGICAL hair care supplies
And he has a bunch of evil pigs that follow him around
And in fact he used to be a king
But he got turned into a boar cause he was a pretty bad dude

So enough backstory
Basically Arthur chases him down with all his dudes for like several years
And there are pages and pages of names of different dudes who got killed
And then Mabon finally shows up
Riding the steed Kilhwch was supposed to get him
Wielding the sword Kilhwch was supposed to get him
All so that Mabon could kill the boar
And then Mabon kills the boar
And they get the scissors from his scalp
And bring them to Yspadadden
Who is like aw god dammit
And shaves his face
And then Kilhwch is like damn right
And murders him
And then marries his daughter
And has the sweetest party ever
And they live happily ever after

So the moral of this story
Is you do not need courage
Or strength
Or cleverness
To accomplish your goals
You need to be related to king Arthur
Because in the end
The real hero
Is nepotism

THE END.

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Jason is basically worthless

Still working on that rap guys
keep your pants on
no one wants to see your grotesque hairy legs

SO!

today’s myth is brought to you by the letter a
for ARGONAUTS
which is the name
for a group of dudes
(or “NAUTS”)
who sailed on a ship called the ARGO
which was named after a dude Argus
who coincidentally made that boat
and named it after himself
because he was apparently pretty proud of it

but wait
wait
lemme fill you in on some backstory right quick
because the main character of our story
is this dude Jason
whose main claim to fame
is being popped out of he right vag
at the right time
seeing as he is the son of this king named Ioclus
who got deposed by his asshole brother Pelias
who hera has a massive problem with
because he apparently honors every single god
EXCEPT FOR HER
So apparently in Pelias-land
it is extremely important
to make sure that every god likes you
EXCEPT THE GODDESS OF REVENGE

now as we’ve seen before
hera is a pretty vindictive lady
so she sets about making sure Jason is a hero
so he can eventually kill his uncle or whatever
oh yeah and Pelias totally wants to kill Jason by the way
for exactly this reason
but Jason’s mom fools the shit out of him
by being like OH WHOOPS MY BABY DIED
I AM SO SAD
NO NEED TO FACT-CHECK MY STATEMENT
LOOK AT THESE TEARS THEY ARE THE GENUINE ARTICLE
and then later Jason lives with a centaur for a bit
and then starts doing adventure stuff

so basically the first adventure Jason has
is he is on his way to go kill his uncle
when he comes to this wicked brutal river
and there is this old lady on one side
all like please sonny will you ferry me across this here waterstreet
and jason is like sure no problem
do i get a merit badge or some shit
and the old woman is like nope you just get to almost drown
because i am secretly hera
also super heavy
also you are going to lose a sandal in the river
and Jason is like sounds great let’s do it

so Jason finally shows up to Pelias’s place
like hey dude
i hear you have something that belongs to me
it’s called my kingdom
I would like that right now please
and Pelias is like what
you don’t even have both shoes
how am I supposed to take you seriously
when you can’t even operate a pair of shoes
here come have dinner with me little dumbass

so they start boozin’ it up together
and Pelias is like so you want to be king eh
and Jason is like fuck yeah
and Pelias is like well you know
kings have to deal with all kinds of problems
can you help me solve a problem
and jason is like sure
and pelias is like okay so
there’s this guy
in my court
in fact i’m eating dinner with him right now
I wish he would go away
and then die
if you were in my position what would you do
and jason is like hmmmm
well I guess I’d send him on a suicide mission to go get the golden fleece
it is this worthless artifact
that only an idiot would agree to go after
and Pelias is like hey do you wanna go get the golden fleece for me?
and Jason is like DO I?!
YESSSSSSSSSS

so then he goes out and get that boat built and everything
and athena helps out with making the mast
such that it has a weird human voice and whispers useless secrets
so great job athena
and meanwhile Jason goes out
and assembles an all star team
of BASICALLY EVERY HERO EVER
to be on his doomboat
seriously
he’s got Hercules
and Theseus
and Orpheus
and Peleus
and Bellerophon
and Atalanta
and like a dozen others I’ll prolly add later
this right here
this could be a table of contents for my blog

anyway all these dudes
(and one dudette)
are stupidly gung ho about this death mission
because basically this is what you do when you’re a hero
time and time again you drag your naked ass into the butcher shop
and you slap your giant cock and balls down on the cutting board
and you look that butcher in the eyes
and you DARE HIM to pick up that knife
or in atalanta’s case I guess you put your tits on the cutting board?
someone else’s dick maybe?
the parallel is unclear
BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THESE GUYS ARE ON A FUCKING SUICIDE ADVENTURE

so stop number 1
is an island populated entirely by women
where they remain for several weeks
for no very clear reason
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
I know I keep coming back to Atalanta
but i kind of feel bad for her in this situation
although I guess first of all she was a dedicated virgin at this point
and second of all even if she wasn’t
she’s basically got VIP seating
on the carnival cruise of sausage
so things are working out pretty ok for her

anyway after that sexy little detour
they go to this place called Samydessus
but the king
Phineas
is not too jazzed to see them
because his castle is suffering
from an acute harpy infestation
which basically means
that every day
around mealtime
a whole bunch of ugly screaming birdwenches
swoop down from the rafters
screaming and shitting all over everything
but that’s fine
because two of the argonauts can fly for no good reason
so they chase off the harpies
and then everything is awesome again

and as thanks
phineas tells them about an upcoming booby trap
hehe booby
that is just these two massive rocks
that clap your ship to pieces
so basically like that shitty trap from every platformer ever
but in real life
in the ocean
and the solution?
chuck a bird through first
sacrifice the shit out of that fucker
and by doing this they manage to get through
and the ship is only slightly crushed

so after all this sex and bullshit
the argonauts finally get to Colchis
where the golden fleece is
but there is a problem
see there’s this king
Aeetes
who is convinced that this golden fleece belongs to him
because it is in his kingdom
and he has a dragon guarding it or whatever
so when Jason shows up like hey gimme dat fleece
the king is like sure no problem
all you gotta do for me is a couple household chores
go yoke those bulls over there
and plow my fields
and plant these seeds
by the end of today
PS the bulls breathe fire and hate you

but see luckily for Jason
Hera has strongarmed slutgoddess Aphrodite
into making one of Aeetes’ daughters
(Medea)
Fall head over junk for Jason’s butcher block bound mansausage
and what’s more
Medea happens to be a pretty sweet sorceress
so she is like hey Jason
I’ll make you an asbestos elixir if you suck my tits
and Jason is like I CAN’T LOSE

so he rubs asbestos all over his body
and the bulls cannot harm him
and he plows the field with them
and then scatters the seeds all over the place
oh wait did i say seeds
I meant DRAGON TEETH
HOW COULD HE HAVE MISTAKEN THESE FOR SEEDS
anyway whereas seeds turn into things like plants and fruit
dragon teeth turn into armies of angry warriors
bent on your destruction
so that’s an immediate problem
except not really
because Medea gives Jason some pretty sweet psychological advice
which is hey throw a rock at one of those guys
and Jason does
and he hits a dude in the head
and that dude makes the natural assumption
that one of his friends threw a rock at him
and kills his friend
which just leads to a massive bloodbath circlejerk
and the day is saved
raising the question
WHERE ARE THE OTHER ARGONAUTS
I mean come on
this is a motherfucking dream team right here
in fact
if you took a dream team
pounded them into liquid
churned that liquid into the heavy whipping cream of the crop
and spread that shit all over lady luck’s naughty bits
you would not have a more complete hero experience
than the one present on board the good ship Argo
and yet at the first sign of actual combat
the conflict is quickly reduced to an arms race
between a bunch of teeth
and a rock

so anyway Aeetes is pretty pissed about this
but he just smiles and is like
great job Jason and also my daughter
guess I have to give you the golden fleece now
(psst Medea i’m totally not going to give him the fleece
i’m just going to kill him
i can trust you with this information yes?)
at which point medea is like
(psst Jason
my dad wants to kill you
wanna go get us some golden motherfucking fleece?)
and jason is like why are we whispering
yeah let’s fucking do it

so they go to the sacred grove with the fleece in it
which is guarded by a dragon by the way
whole lotta dragons in this myth
anyway jason is like oh will you look at that
according to my sundial
it is SWORD O’CLOCK
BYAAAAAAA
but medea is like shh honey
i know you are all about swords and bad decisions
but how about you let me handle this
and then she just rubs a sleeping potion on a dragon
and jason grabs the fleece
and they get on the boat
with all the other heroes
who have probably just been getting blackout drunk this whole time
and they sail back home
and then Jason immediately dumps medea for some whore
provoking all kinds of nastiness

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need common sense or better judgement
when you have divine favor and disposable women

also I bet you are muttering to yourselves
what the fuck is a golden fleece?
well that, my friends
is a story for another time

THE END(?)

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Faustus is one BAD MOTHERFUCKER

Alright so announcement time:

A dude gave me 20 dollars
so I am in the process of recording a rap
about motherfucking OEDIPUS REX
see what i did there
motherfucking?
ha HA!
anyway that should be done by the end of the week or something
keep your ears peeled
except not literally that would be gross
that’s some serial killer shit
ANYWAY here’s a myth suggested by this dude(tte?) Husker

So this kid Faustus right

actually he is not a kid he is a grown man
he is grown as FUCK actually
he is so grown he has like
A PhD in philosophy
and he’s a lawyer
also a doctor
probably got a MBA in tapdancing or some shit
point is this dude is a career academic

but he is SURPRISINGLY UNSATISFIED
in fact as our story begins
he is pacing back and forth in his study
like HMM WHAT IS THE BEST SCIENCE?
MEDICINE?
NOPE.
LAW?
NOPE.
LOGIC?
NOPE.
OH I KNOW
NECROMANCY
THAT’S TOTALLY A SCIENCE
LET’S DO THIS

so he hits up his shitty evil friends
Valdes and Cornelius
oh come on
how can you not be evil with a name like cornelius
or valdes for that matter
those are some evil goddamn names
OH SHIT SEGUE
because damning god is exactly what these fools are about to do
in fact by the time they leave
faustus is damning god so hard
that this demon mephistopheles shows up like FINE WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
and faustus is like do my bidding
and mephistopheles is like DO YOU HAVE A SOUL I CAN BORROW
NOT REALLY SURE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK TO YOU
I JUST NEED SOME SOULS TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED
and faustus is like how about i give you my soul in 24 years
and in the meantime you do my fucking bidding
and Mephistopheles is like
well
lemme check with my boss

GUYS
THERE IS NO HAGGLING AT ALL
AND FAUSTUS DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO START
FROM A NONSHITTY BARGAINING POSITION
24 FUCKING YEARS?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN 24 YEARS ASSHOLE
WRITE A FUCKING MEMOIR?
YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED FOR
I DON’T KNOW
TWENTY FIVE YEARS?!
HOW ABOUT 30 OR SO?
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
DID YOU LOOK UP THE BLUE BOOK VALUE OF YOUR SOUL IN ADVANCE?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE

meanwhile faustus’s servant Wagner steals one of his books
and uses a bunch of shitty magic to scare a clown

BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION
mephistopheles shows up like AHOY BITCH
I BROUGHT A CONTRACT FOR YOU TO SIGN IN BLOOD
and faustus’s conscience is like no don’t do it
and faustus is like FUCK YOU CONSCIENCE I’M A SCIENTIST
ALSO A NECROMANCER
hey mephistopheles i’m not gonna get aids from this am I?
and mephistopheles is like no worries dude
we sterilize all our satan knives
go nuts
so faustus goes nuts
and cuts his arm
but his blood is like FUCK NO DUDE
AIN’T GOIN’ NEAR THAT FUCKING CONTRACT
and it clots right the fuck up
and mephistopheles is like I KNOW
I’LL USE FIRE ON IT
so he goes off to get some fire
and faustus is like i dunno about this man
my blood seems pretty suspicious of this deal
I am actually going to have to set my blood on fire
if i want to do this
that is more inauspicious than a broken mirror
covered in salt
under a ladder
with vampires stapled to the sides
oh well fuck it
and he signs the contract anyway

so now faustus has his very own demon slave
and he is like hey mephistopheles
tell me facts about the universe
and mephistopheles is like sure ok
and faustus is like who made the universe
and mephistopheles is like i plead the 5th
and faustus is like aw man
this is lame
how about I TAKE BACK MY SOUL?
and mephistopheles is like
how about i distract you with this mini-play
about the seven deadly sins
and faustus is like AWESOME
DEAL

meanwhile fastus’s horsekeeper Robin finds one of his books
and calls up his buddy rafe
and is like DUUUUUUUDE
LET’S GO TO A BAR
I WILL CONJURE ALL THE BOOZE

OKAY BACK TO PLOT
so apparently fastus’s first order of business
after using his superpowers to gain infinite knowledge
is to go to Rome and prank the pope
guys
Germany is practically within WALKING DISTANCE OF ITALY
THEY WERE ON THE SAME SIDE IN WORLD WAR TWO
SOMEONE IS UNDERUTILIZING HIS RESOURCES HERE
anyway basically he and mephistopheles show up
turn invisible
eat all the food
punch the pope in the head
beat the shit out of everyone
set off a bunch of fireworks
and leave
and this bullshit
nets faustus an invitation to chill with the king of germany

MEANWHILE ROBIN AND RAFE HAVE STOLEN SOME KIND OF CUP
it is apparently a valuable cup
because the dude who owns it is chasing them
they quickly put an end to this
by summoning MEPHISTOPHELES
who is like seriously guys
you made me come all the way over here
because you wanted a fucking cup
you keep this shit up and you guys are getting turned into ANIMALS
i’m going to Turkey
or germany or something

so faustus teleports back to germany
to see this king
who is like hey dude
conjure alexander the great
and faustus is like sure no problem
here
also here is his lover
also here are some dudes he killed
watch him kill them again
look here’s a horse
you want some elephants
you want a hot air balloon full of tits
I can make that happen
i can keep going with this shit all night

but then this dude Benvolio
who is nursing a WICKED HANGOVER
is like BOOO YOU SUCK
and faustus is like i suck eh?
do i suck as bad as HAVING ANTLERS ON YOUR HEAD?
LET ME KNOW
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME NOW
and then benvolio is like ima kill you
and chops off faustus’s head
and faustus just puts that shit back on
like bitch
i did not sell my soul to satan
just to get decapitated by some candyass lightweight
with ANTLERS ON HIS HEAD
hope you like having demons drag your dick through thorns
then throw you off a cliff
because that is the new itinerary i just made for you
have fun cockwit

then on his way home
faustus runs into some dude who buys horses
and he is like hey do you want to buy a horse
i’ll sell it to you cheap
but remember
NEVER RIDE THIS HORSE IN WATER
FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS
and the horse dude is like sure ok
and then IMMEDIATELY RIDES IT INTO WATER
AND IT TURNS INTO STRAW
so naturally he gets pretty pissed
and he goes and finds faustus sleeping
and he’s like hey assbasket
wake the fuck up
and faustus is all ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
and the horsedude is like how about I PULL ON YOUR LEG
and faustus’s leg COMES OFF IN HIS HAND
and the dude is like SHIT I JUST STOLE A BODY PART
I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
AAAAAA
and he runs away with the leg
at which point faustus grows a new leg
and starts laughing his ass off

so horsemaster retard goes and finds another dude
who sells hay
who faustus ripped off
basically by eating all of his hay for some reason
and then two of them
plus robin and rafe
who are just shitfaced and having a good time
all go confront faustus in some royal court
where he is busy making a plate of grapes out of thin air
guys is it just me
or have faustus’s tricks gotten progressively shittier
as this story has gone on
it used to be BOOM INFINITE KNOWLEDGE
now it is like hey
…grapes
anyway the angry dudes show up
and faustus uses magic to make them mute
and everyone lives happily ever after

EXCEPT NOT REALLY
because then faustus goes back to his old office
and spends some time dicking around
conjuring helen of troy and shit
and then this old dude shows up
like hey faustus
you know how you sold your soul to lucifer?
like with a contract and everything?
well guess what
if you act now
you can repent and COMPLETELY ABANDON YOUR AGREEMENT
NO MONEY DOWN
NO OBLIGATION
ABSO-FUCKING FREE
and faustus is like hm nope
i think i’d rather sign an extra contract with satan
so i can go to double hell instead of regular hell
sounds more hardcore

so then mephistopheles shows up like WELP IT’S HELLTIME
and faustus is like WAIT I REPENT
and mephistopheles is like too late asshole
you could have repented before
like ten minutes ago
but you have PASSED THE ARBITRARY CUTOFF POINT
PREPARE TO GET SPINEFUCKED BY THE FLAMING DICK OF THE DAMNED
and then faustus gets dragged to hell
and spends the rest of eternity in an endless flaming gangbang

so the moral of the story is
you can totally get away with selling your soul
as long as you repent at the last possible moment
also
the last possible moment
is probably some time BEFORE you sign a second contract
and demons show up to physically drag you into the inferno
timing is everything

THE END.

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The daughters of Minyas provide me with the perfect opportunity for a RECAP

Okay so guys first of all
remember a couple days ago
when i said you should look to the left
for some reason
i actually meant look to the right
i was trying to trick you
i was talking about that little link over there
that says A SMORGASBORD OF MYTHOLOGY
but it’s ok because it wasn’t ready then
and it’s still not totally ready now
but it is at least more ready
anyway go click it or something
and i will let you know when it is finished

SO
ORGIES

alright so this myth
takes place back in the days
right after bacchus was born
when a lot of people still refused to believe
that there was an actual god
of getting drunk and partying nonstop until you vomit rainbows
and so basically he had to prove he was a god
by killing a bunch of dudes and turning the rest into animals
i like to think he was not totally into this
and was just kind of like dammit guys
i just wanna have a fucking party
and if i have to kill half of you
and turn the other half into dolphins
SO HELP ME I WILL DO IT

so anyway there’s this orgy going on
where all the women everywhere
worship bacchus by ditching work and fucking each other
and sometimes rippin’ off dudes’ faces
it is kind of incredibly sweet
but there are these chicks
the daughters of Minyas
who are determined to totally buzzkill the party
they are like hey
let’s stay in our house all day
and not give our servants the day off
and just weave shit
and talk about how much better we are than the orgy people
because we worship athena
the goddess of not having fun sexy times
also weaving

so this is exactly what they do
and meanwhile
to pass the time
or maybe just to drown out the orgy sounds
they start telling stories
they tell some pretty sweet stories
like they tell the story of pyramus and thisbe
and that one about hephaestus pranking ares
and the one where the sun falls in love with some chick
and also the one about where hermaphrodites come from
and then they run out of stories or something
and bacchus is like WELL LADIES
I WAS ENJOYING YOUR STORIES
AS A BACKDROP TO ALL THIS SEX I’M HAVING
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TURN INTO BATS

so then all the chicks are not chicks
they are bats
and they go screeching all the fuck over everywhere
proving once and for all
that if anyone ever invites you to an orgy
you better ACCEPT THAT INVITATION

the end.

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Holi is literally a murder festival

This one courtesy of a drunk guy i know
who wasn’t me
but was certainly talking to me

so you remember Vishnu?
he was the guy shooting blood out of his face that one time
i’m sorry i gave him kind of a bad rap before
he’s actually pretty legit
here’s why

so there’s this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
apparently when they were handing out names
this guy was too poor to buy a real one
and just picked up all the discarded syllables off the floor
and made this clusterfuck of a hero sandwich out of letters
anyway this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
spends a whole bunch of time doing penance
for nothing at all
or maybe for all the really bad shit he is planning on doing in the future
either way he finishes all this penance
and he hits up Brahma (the tithungry ultragod)
and is like can I get a boon
and Brahma is like well since you did all this penance
and you didn’t even do anything wrong
you have atoned so hard that you get SUPERPOWERS
so sure what do you want
and this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like ahem
i have rehearsed this
hold on

I want to not be killed
during the day or at night
in a house or outside a house
or on earth or in the sky
neither by man or by animal
he also says neither by astra nor shastra
but all i can find on the subject
suggests that a shastra is a code of laws or something
and i don’t even know what an astra is
so maybe he is worried about some kind of papercut?

so brahma is like sure dude
i mean
you realize
you could have just said “I want to never be killed”
that would have been a lot simpler
and probably a lot more foolproof
seriously dude this is some macbeth shit
you are just begging for someone to kill you on a technicality
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like i don’t even give a fuck I am declaring WAR ON YOU RIGHT NOW
SEEING AS I CANNOT BE KILLED EVER AT ALL
MY PLAN IS SO FOOLPROOF
FOOLS ARE JUST SLIDING OFF OF MY PLAN LIKE GREASED BUTTER OFF A DUCK
A DUCK THAT DEFLECTS BUTTER INSTEAD OF WATER
GREASED BUTTER
ANYWAY WARTIME

so then he goes around
terrorizing the shit out of 100% of everyone
and he is like guess what guys
i am hereby changing the name of every town
to murdertown
until all yall agree to stop worshipping gods
and start worshipping me
the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
and everyone is like what
how can we we worship you
we don’t even fully understand what your name is
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like oh look i just ate your chest and everyone is like ALL HAIL…
THIS GUY

but there is one dude who will not worship this cockblister
and it just happens to be HIS VERY OWN SON
PRAHLADA
see Prahlada is just all about lord Vishnu
(see i told you this story was going to be about Vishnu
you need to learn to trust me my friends)
and no matter how much murder his dad does,
Prahlada just does NOT
STOP
BELIEVING

so naturally this pisses mister HIRANYAKASHIPU off
and he is like son
there comes a time in every man’s life
where his father puts poison in his mouth
and then tramples him with elephants in a room full of hungry snakes
that time is now
good luck
and then six hours later he is like FUCKING DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVE
I mean hey son what’s up
i need you to go sit in this fire i am building for you
it is a very special birthday gift from me to you
and Prahlada is like it’s not my birthday
and Hiranyakashipu is like LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR
GET IN THE FUCKING FIRE
look your evil aunt Holika is already in there
not burning up or anything
it’s totally fine

of course what he neglects to mention
is that Holika is IMMUNE TO FIRE
as a result of another one of Brahma’s retarded boons
seriously this dude is just handing out boons
like oh thank you for the delivery pizza
geeze i don’t have any cash
do you accept boons
anyway Prahlada is like WHATEVER DAD
I’LL GET IN THE FIRE IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
and he gets in that fire

so he’s sitting there in this fire with his evil asbestos aunt
and he is like hey vishnu
can you make me not catch on fire
and vishnu is like done
also as an added bonus
Holika is on fire now
I guess I gave you her fire resistance or something
whoops
hold on I’ll be there in a second don’t move

so then Vishnu shows up
only he’s not Vishnu
he is a dude with a LION HEAD
also claws
he is basically the minotaur
but with LIONS
holy shit
and he is like hey Hiranyakawhatever
I heard there was a potluck
so i brought some murder
but i didn’t make enough for everybody
just you basically

so then basically what he does
is he takes hiranyakashaka
and he forces him to sit in his lap
like some kind of hindu murdersanta
and vishnu’s lap
as you might have guessed
is neither heaven nor earth
and he is sitting on the front porch of the demon’s house
which is neither inside nor outside technically
also since he is a weird lion dude
he is neither man nor animal
and no one knows what ashtra or shastra is so that’s moot
also it is twilight
so there’s that

anyway then Hiranyakaboo is dead
and everybody celebrates by throwing paint at each other
this actually still happens in india

so the moral of the story
is next time you get a genie or a retarded boon
just wish for immortality
because you just cannot prepare
for crafty lion-dudes

The end.

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It is hard for Set to not be a douchebag

Alright so back to egypt

when last we left our heroes
set just got finished murdering Osiris
and then tearing up his body
and eating his dick
and then isis put him back together and hooray

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected or whatever
ISIS GETS PREGNANT WITH THIS DUDE HORUS
well actually that is not the bad part
because horus is a pretty cool dude honestly
no see the bad part
is that seeing as set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
all signs point towards he is going to murder the shit out of this baby
especially since horus is like basically fated
to murder the shit out of set if he ever gets old enough

so isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
but then one day set is like HEY ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL
and isis is like SPINNING MILL HOORAY
and then set is like oh did i say spinning mill
i meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER
I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A SPINNING MILL
DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE THIS IS A PRISON
NOT A SPINNING MILL

so isis is understandably upset about this
and in fact so is this super wise dude thoth
so he comes down and is like hey isis
how would you like to escape this prison
and isis is like i would like that a lot
so thoth is like boom
problem solved
here
have some scorpions
and isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONS
and thoth is like chill out girl
these scorpions will guide you to safety
trust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok

so isis takes horus
and follows these 7 scorpions
for like A FUCKING WEEK
no one has any ideas where they are going
probably because the guides in this scenario
are goddamn SCORPIONS
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES MY FRIEND
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE SHIT OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION
anyway after like a week or whatever
isis and the scorpions and horus finally arrive in some town
and isis see’s this rich chick’s house
and she goes up to it like hey hey open up
and the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONS
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO
so once again
scorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?

but so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
then this poor chick is like oh hey there
i see you have scorpions
i’m poor i’m not afraid to die
come crash at my hovel
so everybody goes over to the poor chick’s place
but then
PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a shit fit
about not being invited into the other house
and they are like let’s go murder her BABIES
THUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT US
COME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THIS
so they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuuck
i hope that is not the sound of my baby
getting stung
by SCORPIONS
that would be terrible
oh wait that is exactly what it is

so isis hears all this commotion
and she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONS
YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so she runs up to where the baby is
you know
dying
and she is like hey poison inside that baby
and the poison is like SUP
and she is like get out of that baby
and the poison is like dammit fine
and then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESS
and is like aw crap
guess i better give all my money to the poor chick
and then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVED
THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS

so then eventually
she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
and she hides horus in the mud
like ok son
i am going to bury you in marshfilth now
among poisonous animals
some of which I KNOW are irritable scorpions
so just
try not to move around too much
i’m gonna go get burgers

so later isis comes back
and she is like horus i got burgers
would you like some burgers
hey you can move slightly more than that you know
actually you don’t seem to be moving at all
or like breathing or anything
oh fuck what happened
Set did you do this
and set is like yup
straight up turned into a snake
bit your kid
what now bitch

and isis is like this is what now
and she screams the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal
it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately
THE SUNBOAT
because the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gases
it is also a BOAT
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
and Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
maybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds
from bad teen movies
and everyone is like whaaaaaaaaat
who threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivities
thoth go find out what isis is angry about

so thoth goes down to where isis is crying her face of
like what the fuck isis what did you do that for
and isis is like look i know you are itching to get your bone on
but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick
and thoth is like oh yeah sure no problem
boom
solving ALL your problems
by the way how were those scorpions i hooked you up with
pretty sweet right
and isis is like they were a pack of angry scorpions
that you gave
to a single mother with a child

anyway then horus is not dying anymore
but he and isis still have to hide out in the marshes
until he is old enough to get his balls up and murder set

so basically the moral of the story
is that scorpions are never helpful
they will sting all the babies
and then lead you to a marsh full of snakes
get a fucking terrier or something

the end.

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