So it’s 2 weeks before christmas

Alright guys
this is my last post for a while
(read: until New Year’s)
and the first break I have taken
EVER
so get your tear gland lubed up
and also
get your typing fingers lubed up
because if you guys send me sweet guest myths during the break
i will totally post them
and you will get to be
INTERNET FAMOUS?
seriously my email is bettermyths@gmail.com

Anyway so here’s a thing

It’s the night before christmas, right?

I mean actually i am aware that it is like a week before christmas
this is what is called poetic license guys
anyway there’s this house
and everybody in it
is passed right the fuck out
what did they eat?
it’s probably like 10PM and everyone is giving 110% in the snore olympics
seriously even the mice are asleep
mice are basically nocturnal
what is wrong with this house
is it cursed?
are they pumping carbon monoxide through the air ducts?
is this just a prelude to a horrible christmas day nightmare?
no probably not because this is a poem for children
anyway there are a bunch of socks stapled to the fireplace
and the children are hallucinating about dancing plums or some shit
but their parents don’t give a shit because they are also asleep
and this is when shit starts to go sour
because see at this point in the story
some serious ruckus occurs in the vicinity of the lawn
we are talking professional grade ruckus
this is the kind of ruckus that they pack into boxes
load into trucks
and bring
to professional wrestling matches
when additional ruckus supplies are necessary
so the man of the house wakes up like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
BETTER GO CHECK THE WINDOW
and he looks outside
and clearly his children are not the only ones hallucinating
because he sees some FLYING REINDEER AND THIS FAT RED DUDE
ON AN EQUALLY LEVITATING SLEIGH
and he is like oh damn
oh shit oh damn oh shit
i know who that is
THAT’S SANTA CLAUS
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and not only can he see this dude
he can also hear what he is saying
santa claus is yelling at all his lazyass reindeer
INDIVIDUALLY
BY NAME
this is an inefficient way to run a sleigh
guys if I had a sleigh
with a bunch of unruly flying and occasionally glowing reindeer
I would just be like OY
ANIMALS
CONVEY ME
come on they’re fucking REINDEER
they can fly sure
but can they do calculus?
do they speak with words?
do they have feelings?
pardon me of I do not call a beast of burden by a name
that it CANNOT EVEN SPELL
so anyway he lands on this guy’s roof
and the guy is so jazzed about this
he runs downstairs to drop some serious eaves
and what does he find?
A SOOT-COVERED REVERSE BURGLAR SMOKING A PIPE IN HIS LIVING ROOM
but santa claus is prepared for this eventuality
he is just like dude its fine
only he doesn’t say it
he just communicates it using HOLIDAY MAGIC
and then he puts presents all over everything
and gets the fuck out of there
and flies away with his spooky christmas pegasi
all like MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES

so the moral of the story
is that Santa Claus is real
there are true EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS
IN RHYME NO LESS
so if you are not getting presents from him
you are probably just a huge asshole

Merry Christmas.

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Ixion does not know when to stop being an asshole

Guys I have an announcement:
(Don’t worry there is a totally sweet myth under all this lame text)

I am really fucking tired
I need to take a break from doing this blog
for about a couple of weeks
to recover from grad apps, pending illness, travel
and also maybe have time to actually put all the links in these posts
where they are SUPPOSED TO BE
AND NEVER END UP BEING BECAUSE I MAKE POSTS FASTER THAN I DO LINKS
Tuesday is going to be my last post until JANUARY FIRST 2011
so between tuesday and January 1st
try not to die of withdrawal or something?
Additionally if anyone wants to do guest myths now would be the time
lemme know in the comments and we’ll work something out.

OK SO MYTH NOW

Ixion, right?
fuuuuuuck this guy
so first of all
this takes place WAYYY back in the day
back before assholes like Medea and Thyestes
when the bar for being a completely incomprehensible toolshed of a human being
was set pretty low
well guess how it got set so high?
THAT’S RIGHT
IXION

basically what he does
is he marries this chick Dia
which is great
except apparently women cost money in ancient greece
payable directly to their fathers upon marriage
but see Ixion kind of forgets to pay any money at all
so Dia’s dad Deioneus is like
ok well fine
i guess if you aren’t going to pay me
I’m going to pay you
in ANTIHORSES
by which I mean I am going to steal your horses
BAM

so Ixion gets wind of this
and he is like what the fuck
all i was trying to do was liberate women
because paying their fathers money for them
just strengthens the unjust marrying-off-your-daughters industry
(see what Ixion has done here
is he has invented the ancient greek version of bittorrent
but for sex
which is sadly the only thing modern bittorrent cannot provide
YET)
no really dude I am a humanitarian
excuse me while i invite you over to my house for dinner
and then push you into these hot coals I found
thus burning you alive
oh hey aren’t you my father in law?
guess that makes me the FIRST PERSON EVER TO KILL A MEMBER OF MY OWN FAMILY
WHO WAS ALSO A GUEST IN MY HOME
wow I’m just racking up points huh
I actually feel a little bit shitty about this
maybe that is enough to convince my neighbors to absolve me of my sins

turns out nope
no one wants to go near this guy
you have to understand
this kind of bullshit was literally INCOMPREHENSIBLE before Ixion did it
or maybe people thought about it
but they never actually ACTED on those thoughts
so everyone is just like shit dude
you’re on your own
and Ixion is like WHY ME
ALL I DID WAS STEAL MY WIFE AND THEN SET HER DAD ON FIRE
and zeus hears him crying
and is like now THIS is a dude i can sympathize with
hey Ixion do you want to come up to Olympus
we’re having a party
we got booze and hot chicks
and Ixion is like now hold on a second
you’re not going to try and make me pay MONEY for those hot chicks are you
and zeus is like fuck no what do you take me for
some sort of dude who doesn’t like getting laid for free or something?

so Ixion shows up at the party
and immediately sees this chick who is a seven-layered hummus dip
of pure sexy attractiveness
like
his eyes straight up do that thing
where they shoot out like seven feet in front of him
and make foghorn noises
except wait it isn’t his eyes it’s his dick i’m sorry

now normally this would not be a problem
i mean this is basically ALL BACCHUS EVER DOES AT THESE EVENTS
if not for one little problem
which is that this sexy honey Ixion has his balls set on
is HERA
and rumor starts getting around that Ixion is trying to bang her
now, zeus is of course legendary for his infidelity
(although to be fair this myth may take place before most of that shit
but actually
trying to establish a chronological canon for greek mythology
is kind of like trying to establish a canonical chronology
for a cannon
while it is constantly firing cannonballs at you
also the cannonballs are full of angry ferrets)
but regardless Zeus cannot ABIDE by the idea
that some dude might be mindcaressing his womantrophy with his eyedicks
but he likes Ixion for some reason
so he decides to give him the benefit of the doubt
and test him to see if any of this shit is true

so what Zeus does
is he makes a fully functional Hera sex doll out of clouds
and then Ixion sees it
and he is like OH DAMN
and he fucks it to PIECES
and gets it PREGNANT
wait PREGNANT?
WHAT?
THIS JUST IN SCIENTISTS
CLOUDS HAVE UTERUSES NOW
GREAT JOB EVERYONE
THERE GOES MY FANTASY OF JACKING OFF OUT AN AIRPLANE WINDOW
yeah and then cloudhera has a baby
a baby named centaurus
who is a total asshole and rapes a chick and fathers a race of monsters
give you three guesses what that race ends up being called
no not gremlins
or chupacabras
give up?
CENTAURS! DING DING DING CORRECT

meanwhile Zeus gets pretty super pissed
and duct tapes Ixion to a giant wheel of fire
you know
as you tend to do when someone impregnates a replica you made of your wife
and Ixion rolls around the sky for a while
screaming, etc
until everyone gets tired of listening to him and they put him in Tartarus

I think we have all learned something today
which is NEVER fuck clouds
no matter how voluptuous or lifelike they appear
because they are going to get pregnant
and you are going to end up on fire
and anyway I hear clouds don’t put out

the end.

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Phrixus has the pimpest ride

Alright

So remember a long long LONG time ago
when I told you I would tell you
where the golden fleece is from?
well guess what
TODAY IS FINALLY THAT DAY WHERE I DO THAT

so there’s this dude Phrixus right
god i really want to spell his name Phryxis
so THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE SPELLED NOW
so Phryxis
like most greeks
is the son of a king and a goddess
specifically some bit character goddess named Nephele
goddess of clouds
seriously why do you need a goddess of clouds
you already have a god of wind
(Aeolus)
and a god of water
(Poseidon)
and a god of fucking THUNDERSTORMS
(Zeus!)
SO WHAT IS THERE LEFT FOR NEPHELE TO DO?
well apparently get knocked up
and then abandon her kid
to be raised by her mortal husband and his evil second wife
Ino

now get ready for the shock of the century
you see Ino
DOES NOT LIKE PHRYXIS VERY MUCH
neither does she like Phryxis’s twin sister
Helle
whose name disappointingly does not rhyme with her brother’s at all
and Ino comes up with this CRAFTY PLOT
(read: incredibly convoluted tomfoolery)
to make Phryxis and his sister dead
what she does
is she collects all the seeds in the entire kingdom
and she BAKES THEM
rendering them useless
so when the peasants go to plant them
they are like oh what the fuck is THIS
now we are going to starve to death
what do we do
oh I know
let’s go see the oracle at delphi
BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY

so they go and see the oracle
and Ino meets them on the way back and bribes them
like hey
here’s some cured ham and some dildos
tell everyone the oracle said to kill my stepchildren
wait hold on
THAT’s her plan?
what if no one had decided to go to the oracle?
what then?
sit at home and starve to death?
and actually, she’s going to starve to death either way
EVERYONE is going to starve to death
BECAUSE SHE RUINED ALL THE CROPS FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR
and even on top of that
she probably didn’t even need to bribe those farmers to lie
because the oracle ONLY says things that result in families disintegrating
and/or people dying horribly
no matter how you look at it
this is a horrible plan
this is a worse plan
than playing chicken with a rhino
ass first

Ino’s shitty plan works perfectly
everyone is like welp i guess we need to kill some children
that’s always solved our agricultural problems in the past
but just then i guess Nephele gets tired of being a shitty mom
and sends a golden sheep to her kids’ rescue
now a golden sheep does not sound particularly useful in this situation
or really in any situation at all imaginable ever
unless i guess you needed to knit a golden sweater
but no one needs to knit a golden sweater
just like no one NEEDS to get hornfucked by a rhinoceros
but this is not just any golden sheep
this is a golden sheep that can FLY
so Phryxis and Helle jump on its back
and they TAKE OFF

but all is not well
because apparently women are not designed
to fly on golden animals
that are themselves not designed to fly
because Helle passes out and drowns in the ocean
but who gives a shit because Phryxis makes it to Colchis
where there is this king Aeetes
and Aeetes is like sup dude
and Phryxis is like me
i am flying on a golden sheep
and you know what
I am so grateful not to be dead like my sister
i am going to kill it
and give you its skin
and then marry your daughter
and then father four of the dudes
who are going to come back here later
and steal your fleece
thus ending your empire
as per prophecy
and that is what happens in the argonautica

so the moral of the story
is beware of strangers bearing gifts
if the gift is a levitating farm animal
made of precious metals

the end.

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Cupid and Psyche are both pretty incompetent

Hey first off
does anyone want to put in the menial labor necessary
to link together all these myths
and put tags on them
because I’m doing it
but I’m doing it slower than i’m writing new myths
and i’m lazy/don’t have infinite time

Oh look a greek myth

so there’s this chick Psyche right
and before you ask
no this is not where the term psyche comes from
because this story has nothing to do with brains
it has to do with boning and death
so i guess this is just one of those things
where it’s a cognate
but it’s false
what’s the word for that?
oh yeah
BULLSHIT

anyway Psyche may not be the smartest pea in the brainpod
or she may be
myth does not say one way or the other
but either way
she is HOTTER THAN TABASCO FLAVORED LAVA
DIPPED IN SUPERMODELS
she has two sisters
but no one gives a shit about them
because THEY
are not nearly as hot
and hotness is the only metric by which any woman CAN EVER BE JUDGED

now i am not just blowing smoke up your ass
when i say Psyche was the hottest thing ever to wear a toga
she is so hot
everyone is like
guys i know we’ve been worshipping venus for like YEARS now
but this chick is WAYYYY hotter
PLUS
THIS CHICK MIGHT ACTUALLY DO US

so obviously Venus gets wind of this and she is like OH NO SHE DIDNT
HEY CUPID
GO MAKE THIS CHICK FALL IN LOVE WITH A MONSTER
and cupid is like sure mom no problem
but then he actually SEE psyche
and he pops a boner SO HARD
it knocks the arrow right out of his bow
and into his face
causing him to fall instantly in love with Psyche
although this step was probably unnecessary
considering how she is HOTTER THAN HABANERO PEPPERS MARINATED IN THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH AND SERVED WITH A CREAMY TITS GARNISH

so years go by
and cupid is a total limp dick
and does nothing about it
other than refuse to make ANY OTHER DUDES fall in love with her apparently
seeing as no one tries to so much as hit on this most bodacious of babes
right up until the point that her dad is like
WELP I NEED TO MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS
HOW ABOUT WE ASK THE ORACLE AT DELPHI WHY YOU AREN’T GETTING LAID

so the oracle at delphi
SURPRISE SURPRISE
gives an answer that makes everything worse
which is HEY
YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONNA MARRY A MONSTER
ABANDON HER ON A MOUNTAIN
so they do
and cupid sees this
and he is like OH SNAP
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR CLASSY RAPE
so he conjures up some wind and BOOM
Psyche is standing in front of his sweetass mansion
but he is nowhere to be found
he gets on the PA system
and he is like hey the house is yours basically
I’m just going to show up every night and bang the shit out of you
it is extremely important that you never try and see who i am
mainly because i have commitment issues
and also I don’t want you to see me for some reason

so Psyche is pretty okay with this
because she gets a mansion
and nightly mindblowing sexytimes
but then one day her spiteful bitch sisters show up
and they are like hey
what’s your husband like
and Psyche is like umm uhh
and they are like I BET HE’S A SNAKE OR SOMETHING
you should probably violate the ONE SINGLE RULE
which he has asked you to obey
and Psyche is like i don’t see a problem with this
SEE PEOPLE
SEE HOW THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE BEING SMART

So the next night Psyche once again has incredible bonertimes
with the god of love
but this time
once he passes out
she busts out a lantern
the better to see him with
and a knife
in case he is too ugly to live
and it turns out
GASP
HE IS CUPID
Psyche is so shocked by this
that she proceeds to spill hot oil all over her lover
who wakes up like WHAT HEY OW
OH SHIT YOU HAVE A KNIFE NOT AGAIN I’M OUT OF HERE
leaving Psyche alone and miserable
THANKS A LOT, WORTHLESS SISTERS

so Psyche spends the next many years
wandering around feeling sorry for herself
until Venus takes pity on her
oh wait did i say pity
I meant REVENGE
MORE NEEDLESS REVENGE
yeah she catches up with Psyche in a place called Murtia
and she is like hey bitch
how about sort these fucking seeds i found
while guarded by sorrow and despair
and some ants show up like HEY PSYCHE WE ARE YOUR ANIMAL PALS
HERE TO HELP
WE LOVE ORGANIZING SEEDS
and then Venus is like oh yeah
well how about hike to this super deadly waterfall
and get me some jewels from it
and zeus is like OH SHIT WOMEN ARE BAD AT HIKING
BETTER TURN INTO AN EAGLE AND WARP JUMP HER TO THE END
AND CONSPICUOUSLY FAIL TO RAPE HER THE WHOLE WAY
wait

WAIT

HOLD ON NOW

Zeus turns into an eagle
picks up the demonstrably HOTTEST CHICK ALIVE
and FAILS play hide-the-omnipotent-sausage with her?
I call BULLSHIT
but that is beside the point
cause THEN Venus is like ok fine
well how about go to HELL
and get me some coffin or something
I don’t even know
I’m seriously JUST DOING THIS TO KILL YOU
see
this is what the twelve labors of hercules would have been
if Eurystheus had ALSO been Hera
and hercules didn’t have super strength
and was cripplingly depressed all the time

so obviously Psyche dies
but Cupid is like dammit mom what the fuck
I’m telling Zeus
and Zeus is like FUCK THIS
EVERYBODY IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
so Psyche becomes stars forever

so the moral of the story
is don’t listen to your ugly sisters
if you are getting fucked senseless nightly
by the invisible man
your life is basically paradise
unless you are a straight man i guess
then it would be more like prison
invisible prison
invisiprison?

The end.

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Inuits are funny as shit

So there are two giants right

okay this story is already off to a good start
line 1: GIANTS
where is it going to go from there?
Dragons?
Chainsaws?
WHOOPS SORRY NO
NOW THESE GIANTS ARE EATING FRUIT AND HAVING A BABY
dammit inuits
way to tease my cock

but wait
this baby
(named Sedna)
is no ordinary baby
no
she is A GIANT BABY
and also a HORRIBLE CHILD
because the first thing she does
is get bigger than her parents
the second thing she does
is eat all their food
and then one day they wake up to find her CHEWING ON THEIR LEGS

so at this point they are like THAT’S IT
BITCH IS GETTING DROWNED
and they take Sedna out to the middle of the ocean
and they chuck her overboard
and are like phew well I’m glad that’s over
HOLY SHIT SHE’S GRABBING OUR BOAT WITH HER HORRIBLE SAUSAGE FINGERS
CUT THEM OFF CUT THEM OFF CUT THEM OFF
so they do
and those must be some pretty sausagey fingers
because they turn into GIANT SEA CREATURES
WHALES
SEALS
DUGONGS PROLLY WHO KNOWS
TEN DIFFERENT KINDS OF CRAZYASS SEA CREATURES
ALL OF WHICH ARE MUCH LARGER THAN ORDINARY FINGERS
THIS BEGS THE QUESTION BEGGED BY MANY MYTHS:
IS THIS SHIT REALLY HAPPENING
OR IS EVERYONE INVOLVED JUST TRIPPING BALLS?

so then Sedna’s parents escape and go home
and they live happily ever after
and meanwhile Sedna sinks to the bottom of the ocean
moves into a house made of ice
and now she answers prayers for more fish
presumably by cutting off more of her body
and turning it into animals
although i am not sure how she does with WITHOUT FINGERS

so the moral of the story
is if you have a child who is a drain on your resources
consider dismembering and drowning them

the end.

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Masturbation, with BONUS HISTORY LESSON

Back to some Greek shit

Alright so Pan, right?
he’s the dude with the flute
always getting shitfaced and starting musical duels he CANNOT WIN
basically there’s this story
about how one time his dad Hermes
was like HEY SON
THERE’S THIS BRAND NEW DANCE MOVE CALLED MASTURBATION
HERE IS HOW TO DO IT
and Pan is like oh shit this is SWEET
I’m gonna teach this to some SHEPHERDS
and that is where we get masturbation

but guys
the real story here is not this story
but the story
of the dude
who used to TELL this story
his name is Diogenes
and he is the ultimate hobo

so this guy
he gets born in this place Sinope
his dad is a super important bank dude
and Diogenes uses this fact
to DEFACE ALL OF THE MONEY IN SINOPE
WITH A CHISEL
why?
because he hits up the oracle at delphi one time
and the oracle is like
DEFACE THE CURRENCY
and Diogenes is just like welp ok
but then he gets exiled
so he realizes maybe the oracle gave him TERRIBLE ADVICE AS USUAL
but no
he decides instead that it is his fault for misinterpreting
some REALLY OBVIOUS BAD ADVICE
and decides to deface the “political currency” of Greece

what the fuck does that mean?
well apparently
it means live in a bathtub
in the market square
bathe in the fountain
and jack off all over the fresh vegetables
sometimes people are all like BUT DIOGENES
IT’S WRONG TO MASTURBATE IN THE MARKET SQUARE
but Diogenes is just like I WISH I COULD SOLVE HUNGER
BY JACKING OFF MY STOMACH

one day Plato is walking around being a tool
like Plato tends to do
and he is like guess what
Socrates once defined man
as a featherless biped
pretty cool huh?
at which point Diogenes comes running into the room
with a plucked chicken
like LOOK PLATO I FOUND YOU A MAN
DON’T YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE
and Plato does kind of feel like an asshole
in fact he amends the defenition of a human
to include flat toenails
thus solving the problem forever

so one thing leads to another
and Diogenes finds himself on a boat
that gets jacked by pirates
and he gets sold as a slave to this dude Xeniades
and Xeniades is like hey slave what are you good at
and Diogenes is like all I can do is rule over people
also masturbate in public
sell me to someone who needs to be dominated
and Xeniades is like TUTOR MY KIDS

so that’s what Diogenes does for basically the rest of his life
except at one point
when Alexander the Great shows up while he is napping
and is like hey dude
big fan
anything I can do for you?
and Diogenes is like yeah
get the fuck out of my sunlight
and Alexander the Great is like shit
i kind of wish I was this guy
and conspicuously fails to murder him in any way
and Diogenes lives happily ever after
still occasionally living in a bathtub
even though he has a fucking house and everything

so the moral of the story is
success comes in many forms
be it a career in finance
or a career in public masturbation and insulting people
the choice is yours

The End.

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What do I keep telling you guys about God?

Alright what the fuck is up with God

Seriously
basically there’s this one time
where god is just kind of hanging out in heaven
and Satan comes up to him like sup dude
and God is like not much man
but hey have you seen this dude Job
he is SOO fucking dedicated to me
he’s probably the best guy EVER
seriously I am all ABOUT job, satan
so of course satan is like hm
I feel like i need to ruin this
hey god
I bet Job’s only behaving himself cuz you haven’t ruined his life yet
i bet if you let me ruin his life he’d start hating you pretty quick
and God is like nuh uh
and Satan is like yuh huh
and god is like well go do it then
see if I care
and Satan is like YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK ME TWICE

so meanwhile Job is busy having dinner with his loving family
seven sons and three daughters
that’s right
this guy gets BUSY
when a messenger shows up like hey
all your cows got taken by bandits
also
holy fire rained down from heaven and set your sheep on fire
also
your kids are dead
don’t ask me how
and Job is like DARRRRRRNNN
I best go pray to got because I’m a GOOOD PERSON
OH LORD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ITS ALL GOOD

so then satan hits up god again
like hey god
what’s up
and god is like DAMN RIGHT PRICKDIVOT
LOOKS LIKE JOB IS STILL PRAISIN’ MY NAME
EVEN AS FIRE IS LITERALLY RAINING DOWN ON HIS ANIMALS
WHAT NOW SATAN
WHAT NOW
(I am so waiting for the day
when I get to repeatedly shout WHAT NOW SATAN
I feel like that will be the day
I will know I have won life)

but satan
being SATAN
is like well maybe he’s righteous NOW
but that’s only because he’s not covered in HIDEOUS BOILS
and god is like I’m not falling for this shit again satan
you’re just trying to get me to torment my most loyal follower
and satan is like aww you got me

bet you ten bucks he’ll curse your name if I give him boils
and god is like OH BITCH IT IS ON

so Job gets boils all over his body
and his wife is like ew what the fuck
why don’t you just curse god and die
and for some reason this is NOT AN APPEALING OPTION FOR JOB
so instead he sits down in a thick mixture
of ashes
tears
and regret
and all his buddies show up to laugh at his deformities
they are like hey Job what’s good
oh I see
NOTHING
NOTHING IS GOOD
and Job is like yeah
yeah

and then i guess he suddenly snaps
and he is like YOU KNOW WHAT
I
CURSE
and satan is like yeah yeah
what do you curse
and Job is like THE DAY I WAS BORN
and God is like BOOYAH
HIS PSYCHE HAS CRUMBLED BUT HIS IRRATIONAL LOVE FOR ME REMAINS

and then Job’s friends
proceed to be like
hey
hey Job
you’ve always been a pretty righteous dude
why is god suddenly shitting directly into your breakfast cereal?
did you assfuck a nun or something?
and Job is like NO
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
and his friends are like aw come on Job you can tell us
what did you do
punt a baby through a barnhouse?
play dungeons and dragons?
and Job is like NOTHING
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING
AND IF GOD WOULD JUST MAN UP AND TALK THIS SHIT OUT WITH ME
I BET WE COULD GET THIS SHIT CLEARED UP BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I WOULD LIKE TO GET THIS SHIT CLEARED UP BEFORE LUNCHTIME
BECAUSE I AM SO WRACKED WITH NAUSEA THAT I CANNOT EAT

and what do you know
here comes God
like SHABAM DICKHEAD
I HEARD YOU HAD SOME QUESTIONS FOR ME
WELL I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU BONERCHEESE
first off
who made the earth
you, or me?
oh i’m sorry dickhead
cat got your tongue?
what a coincidence
I INVENTED CATS
also hail
in fact
I have a whole fort knox full of fucking hail up in heaven
for throwing shit at people whenever i feel about it
do you have a hail vault in your house?
didn’t think so
and what about storks
pretty sweet, right?
guess who made those?
TIME’S UP
IT WAS ME
I MADE STORKS
ALSO LIONS
ALSO DEER
I COULD GO ON
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ON
and Job is like alright dude I get it
i’m sorry
never should have questioned you
these hideous boils are yours to dish out as you please
and I am very sorry-
but god’s like HOLD ON I’M NOT FINISHED
I also made these sweet things called behemoths
they’re huge
they might be elephants i don’t know
OH OH
and have you seen this fucking LEVIATHAN I made?
it’s like a million feet long
covered in impenetrable scales
and it breathes fire
seriously have you seen this thing
i’m sorry dude I’m actually pretty high right now

so Job is like sorry God
won’t happen again
and god is like cool
here’s four times your former riches
plus new kids
next time don’t fuck with me

so the moral of the story is
God is about as easy to manipulate
as a five year old child
you can literally have a perfect track record
and he may STILL set fire to everything you love
and then cover everything else in horrific boils
so i guess
good luck?

The end.

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Spring Heeled Jack is Basically Batman, if Batman Were a Huge Asshole

Holy shit what the fuck is wrong with Spring-Heeled Jack

He’s this guy
well really more of a creature actually
who starts showing up in England around 1837
about the same time the telegraph is invented actually
guys wikipedia is great
anyway spring-heeled jack
is this thing
that can jump like fifty feet in the air
and wears a coat
with what is basically spandex underneath it
and he wears metal claws on his fingers
and also he has glowing red eyes
ARE YOU SCARED YET

you will be when i tell you what he does
basically
he jumps in front of carriages and scares the drivers
and then they crash
the end

wait WHAT?
you’ve got glowing eyes and you can jump inhuman heights
and you restrict yourself to doing shit
that could be just as easily accomplished
by a bottle of whiskey in the passenger seat

NO NO WAIT GUYS I’M SORRY
it turns out spring heeled jack does other shit too
scary shit
like he jumps out of alleys
for surprise makeout and clothes-ripping sessions
with random ladies
okay this is actually pretty creepy
although it kind of reeks of fanfic if you ask me

alright so I’m willing to maybe admit this dude is kind of a threat
i know i’d like to be able to walk down the street
without some dude ripping my shirt off and sticking his tongue in my mouth
some day…
some day…
but guess what guys?
pretty soon everyone starts saying spring-heeled jack
is just some dude
who a bunch of rich dudes made a bet with
that he couldn’t dress up like a demon
or a bear
(yeah at one point he shows up in some dude’s yard
dressed as a bear
and chases him for about an hour
before giving up and climbing back out of his yard)
or a ghost
and then proceed to make himself a public menace
by invading homes and literally scaring women senseless
so basically this dude is a one-man precursor
to reality television

OR IS HE?
see
if there is one thing I know about ordinary dudes
it is that no matter how poor their judgement is
or who bets them to do what to who
they DO NOT SHOOT FIRE OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS
whereas spring heeled jack?
that is exactly the kind of shit he is all about
like there’s this one time
this dude comes up to this chick Jane Alsop’s door
like HEY HEY WE CAUGHT SPRING HEELED JACK
FOLLOW ME OUT TO THE DESERTED ALLEYWAY WHERE WE CAPTURED HIM
and Jane is like DURR OKAY LEMME JUST LEAVE MYSELF TOTALLY VULNERABLE REAL QUICK
at which point the dude
who
- BIG SURPRISE –
is spring-heeled jack
proceeds to breathe BLUE FIRE AT HER
and do his half-assed limp dick molestation routine
and then jump away

OH WAIT DID I SAY HE DID THIS ONCE
NO HE DOES THIS SHIT TWICE
the second time is a lot lamer
in that he is just sort of standing in an alleyway
and some chicks walk by
and then he breathes fire in one of their faces
and then BOING BOING BOING
gets the fuck out of there
i feel like this dude is starting to lose his edge

but that is not the kicker
no no no
see a few years later
there is this military base in a place called Aldershot
and there is this guard on duty right
and he sees this weird dude walking towards his post
and he is like hey man
what the fuck are you doing here
and the man doesn’t say shit
just keeps walking closer
so the guard starts shooting him
which solves nothing
i guess because spring heeled jack is invincible
and then he walks right up next to the soldier
and SLAPS HIS FACE SEVERAL TIMES

OKAY GUYS
I KNOW I SAID DERAILING CARRIAGES WAS LAME
BUT THAT AT LEAST KILLED PEOPLE
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
THIS SHIT IS SO LAME
IT HAS TO GET WHEELED AROUND ON WHEELCHAIRS
WITH WHEELCHAIRS FOR WHEELS
BECAUSE THE WHEELCHAIRS THEMSELVES ARE LAME
IT IS JUST THIS MASSIVE PYRAMID OF LAME WHEELCHAIRS
SUPPORTING THIS BLOATED DISPLAY
OF SUPERPOWERED DICKERY
ROLLS OF FAT ALL SPILLING OVER THE ARMRESTS
GETTING CAUGHT IN THE BUSTED WHEELS
FURTHER INCAPACITATING THE PATHETIC ROLLING JUNKYARD
OF SHEER CONCENTRATED LAME
WHEELING DOWN ENGLISH STREETS AND ALLEYWAYS

and after that mentions of him kind of start to wind down
and eventually he stops being mentioned altogether
i guess because the idea of an evil spirit
whose sole purpose is to smack you upside the head
and/or rip your clothes and breathe nonlethal fire at you
is kind of unexciting after the first TEN FUCKING MINUTES

so yeah basically
the moral of the story
is some people are just dicks
and some people just have superpowers
and it is when these two subsets of the population collide
that we get the most truly pointless bullshit

the end.

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Beowulf Can Kick An Ass So Hard It Flies Into Orbit At Such High Speeds That It Turns Back Time To A Point Just Before It Was Kicked and Then Beowulf Kicks it Again

So Beowulf has now officially killed two monsters
in about four days
what does this call for my friends?
it calls for a PARTY
and not just any party
a PAR
TAY
prized among party connoisseurs
as the hardiest of parties
guys
this party could not get any hardier
if it was a band of battle-hardened veterans
crawling through the thick underbrush
of shindig central
hell bent on capturing the rich hootenany reserves
of soiree city
these dudes are drinking mead
out of the skulls of other dudes
who died of alcohol poisoning
EARLIER IN THE PARTY

so Hrothgar gets shithouse wasted
and makes this long-ass speech
like HEY BEOWULF
YOU SHOULD ESCHEW MATERIAL REWARDS
IN FAVOR OF SPIRITUAL REWARDS
BY THE WAY I’MA HOOK YOU UP WITH TWELVE KINDS OF TREASURE TOMORROW
MAYBE ALSO SOME WHORES
I’M GONNA GO VOMIT INTO MY WIFE’S MOUTH AND THEN FALL ASLEEP

so then beowulf goes home
back to the home of the geats
appropriately called geatland
and the king Hygelac
is like BEOWULF MY MAN WHATS GOOD
ARE YOU READY TO PARTY
and Beowulf is like I’m pretty sure I still have a liver
BRING IT ON
oh by the way
i hear you’re about to marry off one of your kids
to some dudes called the Heathobards
to make peace with them or some shit
GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE
NOT GONNA WORK
because as i recall
you guys have been murdering each other for YEARS
and stealing each other’s priceless heirlooms
which everyone insists on wearing TO THE WEDDING
and that is going to be TOTALLY TACKY
QUICK WEATHER FORECAST HYGELAC
PARTLY CLOUDY
WITH CHANCE OF PREMARITAL BLOODBATH
OH IS THAT MORE MEAD DON’T MIND IF I DO

so then Beowulf proceeds to tell us a bunch of shit we already know
about grendel
and grendel’s mom
because apparently they didn’t have hyperlinks back then
and everyone in geatland talks about how great he is
then Hygelac gives him a ton of presents
and later he dies and beowulf becomes king for fifty years
pretty sweet being a hero
not gonna lie

CUT TO 300 YEARS AGO
This dude right
he has a whole bunch of treasure
but OH NO
HE’S ABOUT TO DIE
so he is like
I spent my whole life
systematically denying people access to this treasure
WHY STOP NOW
and he buries it all
and then dies on it
maybe he died fucking it
it is not clear whether or not he is a dwarf

anyway then later a dragon finds it
and is like TREASURE?!
COUNT ME IN
what is it with dragons and treasure
treasure is basically good for 2 things:
buying shit
and christmas gifts
dragons cannot buy things
as they do not have thumbs
and I have yet to meet a dragon that celebrates christmas
they are more into the winter solstice
fucking new-agey wiccan dragons

CUT TO THE PRESENT
some stupidass thief
sneaks into the dragon’s lair
and steals
like
a gold codpiece or some shit
maybe it even has some of the original owner’s congealed semen in it
again
this all depends on whether the original owner was a dwarf
but REGARDLESS
the dragon realizes this shit is gone
and is like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES
and just starts flying all the fuck over everywhere
setting shit on fire

now this would be fine
dragons setting shit on fire is kind of par for the course in old europe
but one of the things this dragon sets on fire
is BEOWULF’S MEADHALL
and beowulf (now like 80 years old)
is left standing in the wreckage (his skin is fire-retardant, remember)
like fuck
where am i supposed to party now?
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so beowulf gathers all his dudes
and he puts on his armor
and he rides to the dragon’s lair
and he is like guys
a few years ago
I had a renowned craftsman
build me a sundial
so that I would always know what time it is
but just this morning
in fact
around the same time that dragon set my shit on fire
the sundial seems to have broken
because all day
it has been stuck at MURDER O’CLOCK
I’M BOUT TO MURDER THIS DRAGON DON’T EVEN DOUBT IT
but first let me bore you with some tales from my childhood
OKAY TIME’S UP COMMENCE KILLING

so beowulf sprints towards the dragon’s lair
wearing some chainmail and wielding a sword
and the dragon pops out like SUPPPPPPP
and beowulf is like WHAT’S GOOOOOOOOD
and they start wrestling
I REPEAT
80-YEAR-OLD MAN
WRESTLES
DRAGON
but when Beowulf tries to stab the dragon in the neck
his sword breaks
and the dragon takes a fat bite out of his neck
and he is like GUYS
HELP?
but all his guys are too busy shitting themselves with endless terror
all his guys that is
except for this dude Wiglaf
who is like COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES
and then stabs the dragon in the stomach
which gives beowulf the time he needs
to eviscerate it with his fucking pocketknife
sweet

but all is not well
because it turns out the dragon’s teeth are POISON
so Beowulf is right in the middle of being victorious and shit
when all of a sudden he’s like oh damn
guess i’m gonna die after all
and falls down
and Wiglaf is like BALLS
WHAT DO I DO
and beowulf is like naw dude…
it’s cool…
just bring me …
some sweet treasure…
and set me on fire …
and tell everybody …
what a sweet dude…
i was …
and then he dies
and geatland is probably about to get invaded from all sides
a bukakke shotgun spray of conquest
but it’s okay
becuase beowulf’s funeral is totally sweet

so the moral of this story
is that all of the greatest heroic acts
are performed by dudes
motivated solely
by the desire
to party

The end.

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Beowulf is the product of a genetic experiment to breed the baddest ass possible (Part 2!)

Sorry guys
I just spent the last 48 hours
ceaselessly writing graduate school apps
actually i mentioned this blog in my apps
so if you guys could go ahead and post comments
about what a great writer I am
that would be great

anyway beowulf did not get finished being a badass in the last myth
so let’s get back to business
so grendel is dead apparently
because of blood loss from a SEVERED FUCKING ARM
but surprisingly
grendel has a mother
named
creatively enough
grendel’s mother
and she is PISSED
so no sooner has everyone finished partying
(and you have to understand
this has got to be
the party to end all parties
seeing as these dudes have been getting their party on
under threat of murder
for twelve years
and suddenly they ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE)
grendel’s mom comes dervishing into the middle of this human sleepfest
like a hurricane of sexy rage
and just starts hatefucking a bloody canyon through the dudes on display
until they all wake up like SHIT MAYBE WE SHOULD USE VIOLENCE
and grendel’s mom is like FUCK I HATE VIOLENCE
and just gets the fuck out of there
with a dead body and grendel’s arm

so where is beowulf during all of this?
he’s in some sweet private room Hrothgar hooked him up with
so he conveniently fails to pop out and remove grendel’s mom’s skin
and only even learns what the fuck is going on
once she has escaped

so obviously beowulf is pretty pissed about this
Hrothgar hits him up like hey dude
i know you already done killed grendel and everything
but could you take some time out of your busy boozing schedule
to murder his mom
and beowulf is like THAT BITCH STOLE MY TROPHY ARM
I AM ON THIS SHIT LIKE BEES ON AN UNFORTUNATE BEAR
(yeah that’s right i’ve been commissioned to mention bees
at least once per post
until this myth is finished)

so there are some complications obviously
one
is that grendel’s mom
apparently lives in a FLAMMABLE SWAMP
another is that no man has ever reached the bottom of it alive
and guess where grendel’s mom lives
yeah
so beowulf cops a sweet sword off one of Hrothgar’s dudes
and then he brings all his homies to the swamp
and he is like dudes
i might die right now
but you know what
whatever
and then he dives into the water
and swims for roughly twenty four hours
and eventually arrives at the bottom of the lake
at which point grendel’s mom jumps out like BLUH
and starts trying to murder him

so luckily beowulf also jacked some sweet armor form Hrothgar
so grendel’s mom does not immediately crush him
but then he starts trying to chop off her limbs
and just STAYS FAILING
that is
until he finds an even bigger sword on the wall
and decapitates her with it
and then
apparently unsatisfied with the current level of decapitation
also finds grendel’s corpse floating around in there
and decapitates that too
which is actually a pretty bad plan
because grendel’s blood is HYDROCHLORIC ACID
the sword immediately dissolves
but that does not discourage beowulf
from stealing his severed head
and swimming for another solid day to get back up to the surface

meanwhile
all the dudes on the surface wait for like a day
and then see a veritable assload of blood
and are like oh
guess beowulf is dead huh
we should go home
but the geats
(beowulf’s dudes)
are like no way man
that’s gotta be someone else’s blood
beowulf bleeds fire and bullets so that couldn’t be his blood
and what do you know
2 days later THEY ARE RIGHT
beowulf shows up with a severed head and a melted sword like sup
did you miss me
i didn’t miss you
i was too busy killing

STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS VIOLENCE ORGY TOMORROW

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