It’s your birthday! Let’s talk about murder and slavery.

fuck it I might as well just post it
i posted it several hours ago by accident anyway
and it’s like 10AM in sweden so LET’S DO THIS
BONUS POST GUYS

cause guess what
right now
somewhere in sweden
a dude named Isak is turning FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
IT IS THE YEAR FORETOLD IN PROPHECY
AND BECAUSE OF THIS IT IS TIME FOR MORE NORSE MYTH

I actually had some trouble picking a myth for this
because see in norse mythology
pretty much the only time anyone important gets born
is right at the fucking beginning
and then later when loki fucks Angrbothe
and she poops out a wolf and the world serpent and HELL
and then that other time when loki fucks a horse
and gives birth to a mutant horse
and I’ve already DONE all of those
so this is the closest I could get to some birth related shit:

alright so Thor

he is a dude who is romping and stomping pretty much 26 hours out of every 24
so WHERE DOES HE FIND TIME TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE?
ANSWER:
he doesn’t
he just murders the goats that pull his chariot
eats them
then IMMEDIATELY RESURRECTS THEM WITH MJOLNIR
so they are getting born like SEVERAL TIMES A DAY
THAT IS SO MANY BIRTHDAYS MY FRIENDS
oh yeah
forgot to tell you guys
Mjolnir can resurrect shit now?
also i guess put the meat back on bodies?
because i mean i can’t imagine it would be very humane
to just keep resurrecting goats
into an endless hell of fleshless torment
then again thor isn’t very humane
but he DOES like meat
so same difference
REMEMBER GUYS
THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING I COULD FIND TO A BIRTH MYTH
AFTER SEARCHING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THE KILLING-TO-BIRTH RATIO IN THIS PANTHEON
IS PRETTY FAR IN FAVOR OF THE KILLING

ANYWAY
one day thor is just tearing around the countryside
beating the shit out of mountains and showing rivers who’s boss
when he is like FUCK
i am kind of tired
better just barge into some random house and demand to sleep there
HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOOD
MIND IF I STAY IN YOUR HOUSE
PS
I CAN RIP YOU APART USING JUST TWO OF MY PREHENSILE TREE-TRUNK-SIZED PUBIC HAIRS
and the family who lives in the house is um yes
stay as long as you want

so thor gets ready to crash out
but then he thinks to himself
fuck
maybe i am kind of abusing the hospitality of my gracious hosts
in fact
pretty sure that’s exactly what i’m doing
HEY GUYS WANNA HELP ME EAT SOME GOATS?
and everyone is like WE THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they all settle down to eat them some goats
prolly thor has to resurrect the goats like 5 or 6 times
seeing as he has a track record of DEVOURING ENTIRE FEASTS BY HIMSELF
and they all just keep on eating
but what Thor did not count on
is that one of the kids in this house is a fucking moron
cause see there’s this dude Thialfi
who is like man these goats are delicious
but not as delicious as THE INSIDES OF THEIR BONES I BET
YUM
and he breaks open a bone and he sucks out the marrow
and it actually prolly tastes fairly shitty cause he only breaks one bone
and then thor goes to resurrect his goats and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ONE OF THEM HAS A BROKE-ASS LEG
and he is like THIALFIIIIII
YOU ARE MY SLAVE NOW FOREVER
and Thialfi is like bummer
and then he kind of has to follow Thor around
while Thor does stupid shit until Ragnarok

So the moral of the story is
don’t suck the marrow out of goat bones
why the fuck would you even do that?
the delicious part is the meat part
plus eating the meat part does not get you enslaved to a thunder god forever

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISAK

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Sir Bors is just Batshit Insane

Oh holy shit guys

I totally forgot
about the least important knight
out of ALL the knights that get to see the holy grail
honestly that’s still not that bad though
considering there are only four dudes who get to see it
and one of them is Galahad and that was kind of a foregone conclusion
so i’m gonna put off telling the actual graily part for ONE MORE DAY
and instead tell you about SIR BORS

so this Bors guy
I mentioned him before
he’s Lancelot’s nephew
the one who gets Lancelot to stop being a little baby
and come murder dudes and fuck Arthur’s wife instead
and he is also the dude who shows up at Elaine’s castle
right after Lancelot leaves the first time
and sees the holy grail for a quick second
and then trips balls
and hallucinates a bunch of leopards fighting dragons and junk

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
he is also the dude who makes the most STUPIDLY STRICT OATH
in the name of finding the grail
here is the story of THAT shit

so basically
right at the beginning
when all the dudes start setting out to look for the grail
Bors goes to a church and is like hey god
only gonna eat bread and water from now on
also gonna wear a super uncomfortable shirt
only sleep on the floor
and bang no women WHATSOEVER
(i mean he wasn’t getting laid to begin with but still)
and god is like I LOVE SUFFERING
YOUR REWARD:
HALLUCINATIONS
so that’s why he sees all those dragons and shit
but with great power comes A WHOLE LOT OF POINTLESS BULLSHIT
because god resolves to test the fuck out of him
or maybe it’s satan that does that
it is a VERY FINE LINE MY FRIENDS

so the first test
is Bors has to rescue this damsel
you know
like you do
and then the dude who is keeping the damsel is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Bors is like FUCK
KILLING IS SUDDENLY AGAINST MY RELIGION
BETTER JUST BEAT THIS GUY WITH THE FLAT OF MY SWORD TIL HE GIVES UP
so that works
TEST ONE: PASSED

but the next test sucks significantly more
because like ten minutes later
Bors is riding through the woods
and he sees TWO SHITTY THINGS HAPPENING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS
one thing is a chick being chased by a knight who is gonna bone her
and the other one is his best bro Lionel getting BEAT BY THORNS
he only has time to save one or the other
so what does he do
he chooses the maiden
which understandably pisses off his brother Lionel
BECAUSE THIS IS A TEXTBOOK VIOLATION
OF BROS BEFORE HOS
but I guess god doesn’t see it that way
because test number two is considered a RESOUNDING SUCCESS

then the god gets bored and cranks the shittiness knob up to 11
because the next thing that happens
is this priest runs up to Bors
like DUDE
THERE’S A CHICK IN THAT TOWER OVER THERE
IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER RIGHT NOW SHE IS GOING TO DIE
and Bors is like that sounds incredibly fishy
but i’ll see what I can do
uh
AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T INVOLVE SEX IS WHAT I MEAN
so he follows the priest to the tower
and there is a chick in there
and she’s like yeah basically i need your cock
or I die
pretty simple
and Bors is like um sorry toots I kinda made an oath to god?
and the chick is like COME ON MAN PASS THE CANOLIES
I’M LITERALLY DYING OVER HERE
and Bors is like nup
and the chick is like IF YOU DON’T BANG ME I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY
and Bors is like that’s gonna really suck for you
i mean you’re not gonna get laid
and THEN you are also going to be dead
double whammy
and the chick is like HOW ABOUT TWELVETUPLE WHAMMY ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T USE YOUR PENIS ON MY RIGHT NOW
I AM ALSO GOING TO PUSH MY TWELVE LADYSERVANTS OFF THE BALCONY
and Bors is like has anyone ever told you you come on kind of strong?
and the chick is like FUCK THIS IMA TURN INTO DEMONS
THIS WAS ALL A TEST BY THE WAY AND YOU PASSED
so that’s THREE wretched experiences courtesy of god
but at least they are SUCCESSFUL wretched experiences

but number four is the real doozy
because this is when the whole bros before hos thing
really comes to bite him in the ass
see his bro Lionel survives the whole getting beat with thorns thing
and when he wakes up from his pain coma
he is like BORSSSSSSSS
(even though bors TOTALLY found his body after he passed out from pain
and brought him to a monastery to recover)
anyway he tracks Bors down
and he is like HEY DUDE
DO YOU KNOW THE ALPHABET?
and Bors is like kind of
why?
and Lionel is like WHICH LETTER COMES FIRST
B OR H
and Bors is like uh it’s B right?
and Lionel is like CORRECT
SO TELL ME SPERMCLOWN
HOW IS IT
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY JUSTIFY
PLACING HOS
BEFORE BROS?
THIS SHIT IS CODIFIED IN THE FUCKING ALPHABET
THERE IS A PROTOCOL
and Bors is like dude chill out
and Lionel is like DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL OUT
I WILL DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT
TIME TO REMOVE YOUR SKULL
and then a hermit shows up like hey no don’t do that
so lionel KILLS HIM
OBVIOUSLY
I MEAN WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO TO HERMITS
and then another one of the round table dudes shows up like hey quit it
doesn’t matter who he is
cause Lionel KILLS HIM TOO
but first he chases him around for a while
while shitty mcworthlessknight is like hey
hey stop it
hey Bors why aren’t you helping me
i was trying to save your life dude what the fuck
and Bors is like it’s this whole no killing thing
it’s a really restrictive rule when you are a knight
and then Lionel comes back over like alright dude
i think i’ve killed everyone in a ten mile radius
i think we are alone now and i can kill you
and Bors is like don’t do it man
we are bros remember
i mean shit
my name is an ANAGRAM of bros
and Lionel is like you should have thought of that BEFORE you gave priority to hos
but just then
GOD finally decides to show up
and he’s like dudes just stop fighting
this is profoundly stupid
even I think it’s stupid
and stupid shit is pretty much all I ever do
like for example:
this whole fiasco
it was my fault
gonna go ahead and put an end to it now if you don’t mind
and then Bors gets on a pure white boat he found just now
and sails away to find the grail
leaving Lionel to feel like shit forever

so the moral of the story
is some people prefer bros
and some people prefer hos
but in the end
everybody just gets arbitrarily tortured by god

the end.

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THE GODDAMN INFERNO

Oh shit I forgot I was totally gonna thank the awesome people who made my blog better
first of there is the fucking brilliant fantastic S. MELVILLE
who made this thing and wrote this thing and this thing
and also made this whole website look amazing
and ALSO my good buddy Amauri Siegel
who just illustrated THIS MYTH (about halfway down the page)
and is illustrating MORE OF THEM RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND
anyway my throat works so here is me yelling

I will NEVER run out of hats.

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Galahad does not have time for this shit

BLOG LOOKS GOOD NOW EVERYTHING WONDERFUL

Alright so Lancelot is still fucking Guenevere

that is something that is continuing to occur
basically ceaselessly
for like YEARS
and Guenevere never treats him any less shittily
BECAUSE THAT WOULD COMPROMISE HER QUEENSHIP
here is a secret about being queen:
it is okay to cheat on your husband
as long as you talk a lot of shit
in fact Guenevere talks SO MUCH SHIT
that one day Lancelot is just like you know what
fine
let’s see how you get by
without my gallant man-lance all up in your crevices
HEY ARTHUR
I AM READY TO NOT BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR WIFE FOR A WHILE
and arthur is like shit dude seriously?
who’s gonna watch my wife?
and Lancelot is like man whoever
I don’t fucking care
how about let everybody get a turn with her
and Arthur is like shit if you say so
meanwhile i guess I gotta give you some kind of quest?
and Lancelot is like that would be good yeah
and Arthur is like shit
well I’m pretty much out of quests
except for this grail shit
like I said I don’t really know where or what this thing is
but it’s got Holy in the name
so it must be pretty fucking great
and Lancelot is like shit well it beats hanging out with your wife
AND THAT IS HOW LANCELOT BEGINS HIS QUEST FOR THE GRAIL

but the grail is not what he finds
no
what he finds is this castle
with a bigass tower
and this chick is imprisoned in there
basically in a giant magical steam bath
the door isn’t even locked actually
she might have just been taking a bath
anyway Lancelot “rescues” her
and then the villagers open up a tomb so he can fuck up a dragon
and the upshot of all this is that the chick he rescued falls in love with him
THREE GUESSES WHAT HER NAME IS
no not stimpy
not cockboat
ELAINE
YEAH A DIFFERENT ONE THAN THE ONE WHO KILLED HERSELF EARLIER
WHAT IS IT WITH CHICKS NAMED ELAINE AND GETTING MOIST OVER LANCELOT
and predictably lancelot does not give a fuck about this girl either
but that is where the similarities end
because THIS elaine
is not a fucking pushover like the other one
she thinks to herself hm
i want this guy to put a baby inside me
i hear he’s been boning guenevere
(oh yeah
basically everybody knows about that shit
except everyone in Camelot
where it is actually relevant)
so hm what do I do
OH I KNOW
I WILL GET MY PET ENCHANTRESS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GUENEVERE
WEATHER FORECAST: SEXY TIMES AHOY
so the way she goes about making this happen
is first they make a duplicate of Guenevere’s special gold ring
and they send that to Lancelot
and then he’s like whoa i bet Guenevere is around
better go fuck the shit out of her
so he does
BUT PRANK’D
TURNS OUT IT IS ELAINE IN DISGUISE
and when he wakes up in the morning and realizes this
he is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Elaine is like dude chill the fuck out
I just sucked your dick like nineteen times
WITH MY VAGINA
PS I’m pregnant
PPS I am pregnant with a kid who is gonna be way better than you
and Lancelot is like that’s not difficult
I ROUTINELY BANG MY BOSS’S WIFE
oh shit speaking of which
I better get back to Camelot and bang my boss’s wife
good luck raising that kid i put in you

so Lancelot goes off to have more special adultery times
and Elaine gives birth to this dude Galahad
some people spell it Galahaut
but those people are HISTORIANS
anyway from the very beginning
everyone everywhere
just straight up KNOWS this dude is the shit
there is never any question
this guy is the new best knight ever
just like sir Tristram
and sir Lancelot
and sir Percival
not a very long shelf life on knights in this legend
shit i mean
even Galahad has fucking Leukemia
or at least some kind of terminal disease
but that’s not really that important

so all goes well
until some idiot shows up at Elaine’s place
like hey baby wanna bang
and Elaine is like sorry baby I only spread my legs for LANCELOT
and this fucking retard is like well i guess i better kill that dude
so he goes out looking for him
and by looking for him
I mean attacking everyone he sees
so he gets pretty much immediately beat down by Lancelot’s cousin
sir Bors
who is like alright dude
now you gotta go back to camelot
and fucking tell everyone what a pansy you are
and the dude is like ok
and meanwhile sir Bors goes to Elaine’s crib for a few days
and fucking trips balls and sees dragons fucking SPITTING OUT OTHER DRAGONS
but again
that is not very important

so back at Camelot
this piece of shit idiot knight shows up
and tells everyone how he was trying to bone elaine
but apparently she only bones Lancelot
and Guenevere hears about this
and BOOP BOOP BITCH ALARM
she proceeds to give Lancelot blueballs
until he convinces her that Elaine meant nothing to him
sidenote:
how is Guenevere not getting preggers?
years and years of playing nonstop sneakyboners
and meanwhile Elaine bangs him ONCE and starts pooping out babies
but anyway yeah then everything is cool for a while
until arthur decides to throw a bigass party at camelot
and invite all the ladies
and so Elaine shows up
and Guenevere is like hey you piece of shit
and Elaine is like wow you are a huge slutbag
and Lancelot is like I am too embarrassed to talk to either of you
and then that night
Elaine sends her pet witch to pretend to be one of Guenevere’s maids
and tell Lancelot to come over for some sexytimes
and Lancelot falls for this trick AGAIN
and then Guenevere sends an ACTUAL maid to find him
and he’s gone
so she’s like LAAAANCELOTTTTT
YOU FUCKING PRICK WHERE ARE YOU
and Lancelot is like SHIT
and he jumps out a window and goes crazy for several years

now we have already established
that Lancelot is the best at everything he does
this applies to being crazy as well
for YEARS this dude is just running through the forest
totally nude
beating the shit out of bears and drinking blood and rainwater
until one day he sees some shields and swords up against a tree
and he picks up a sword
and just starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF A SHIELD
and the owner of the swords and shields comes out of his tent
and he is like aw god dammit
a hobo got one of my swords again
I really shouldn’t leave these things lying around
hey man put down the sword
but instead lancelot MAKES BLOOD EXPLODE OUT OF THE DUDE’S FACE
and then he passes out
at which point the dude ties him up with some chains
and starts bringing him to his castle to help him out
and then gets attacked by knights
at which point Lancelot just snaps all the chains
kills all the knights
and goes right back to skullfucking leopards and dropkicking alligators

meanwhile Percival is supposed to be looking for Lancelot
but he is making a fatal mistake
which is that he is not looking for a naked dude
so instead he finds some knight
and they immediately start beating each other to death
for really no reason
they both mutilate each other
and then Percival is like wait who are you
and the dude is like I’m lancelot’s brother
and Percival is like FUUUUUCK i’m percival
too bad we mortally wounded each other
but then the Holy Grail just floats by and THEY ARE SUDDENLY OK
and they are like well that was weird
wanna go find Lancelot?

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SOMEHOW STUMBLES OVER TO ELAINE’S PLACE
and everyone is like hey look a crazy dude
let’s throw him in a pit and chuck steaks at him
and Lancelot is okay with this
because he likes steaks
but then one day one of the king’s sons gets knighted
and he is like IMA GIVE OUT FANCY CLOTHES TO EVERYBODY
BRING THAT CRAZY DUDE IN HERE
and he gives lancelot some sweet duds
which lancelot proceeds to shit all over
shortly before passing out in the garden
and that is where Elaine finds him
and she is like WHOA WHAT
HEY LANCELOT WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN FECES
and she eventually gets him to stop being crazy
Malory says he stopped being crazy because of the grail
but that’s retarded

so once he’s not crazy Lancelot is like hey Elaine
sorry i brandished a sword at you and whatnot
but you did kind of trick me like a total twatwaffle
but anyway I feel bad so now i’m never gonna leave you
gonna do whatever you want
let’s go live on an island
we will call it Joyous Island and we will have parties
and I will call myself “The Tresspassing Knight”
but in french
because it’s more pretentious
and Elaine is like sure okay
NOTE: Galahad is not present for any of this
why?
he’s got more important shit to deal with
even though he’s like 8 years old at this point
he’s the greatest knight in the entire goddamn universe
what does he care if his dad is a crazy shitcovered asshole
he’s got a HEROIC DESTINY
also LEUKEMIA
that is some serious problems

anyway Lancelot gets bored and is like hey
all you knights all over the place
come over to my house I’ll beat the shit out of you
or i mean
uh
we’ll have a tournament
if you win i’ll give you whores
so 500 knights show up
and Lancelot reams them with the tip of his lance
over the course of THREE DAYS
THAT IS 166.7 KNIGHTS PER DAY
I FEEL BAD FOR THAT 7/10 OF A KNIGHT

anyway right at the tail end of this shit Percival and his buddy
whose name is sir Ector by the way
hear about the tournament
and they are like whoa damn
is it too late to beat the shit out of dudes?
but they are in luck
because when you are dealing with Lancelot
it is NEVER too late to beat the shit out of dudes
i mean I should give him some credit I guess
he never kills anyone who doesn’t totally deserve it
and he feels REALLY bad about all the shitty things he’s done
but i mean
he still does all those shitty things
so i think it’s kind of a wash?
but regardless Percival and Ector show up to Lancelot’s place
and Percival and Lancelot fight for like two hours
before they are both like whoa hold on
who the fuck are you
this seems to be a really really common problem for knights
which i think could be pretty easily avoided with like
nametags?
anyway Percival is like I’m Percival
and Lancelot is like OH SNAP
well I’m Lancelot
i mean i am calling myself “The Shitty French Knight” right now
but yeah
totally Lancelot
and Percival is like DUDE
Guenevere sent me to look for you
get the fuck back to Camelot dude we miss your stupid ass
so Lancelot goes back to Camelot
totally forgetting about his son that Elaine is raising
although honestly I think Elaine has pretty much forgotten about him too
seeing as she basically never mentions him
but that does not stop EVERYONE in the FUCKING WORLD
from already knowing all these prophecies about how he’s going to be amazing
like 10 billion times stronger than his dad and shit
basically Lancelot is Goku
and Galahad is Gohan
or maybe trunks
but maybe Percival is Trunks
except isn’t trunks more powerful than Gohan?
or maybe Galahad is like when Gohan and trunks to that fusion thing
what was he called then
Gotenks?
what a stupid name
jesus i just revealed way too much about my childhood just now huh

ANYWAY the moral of the story
is if you are having problems in your relationship
try running naked through the woods for several years
when you come to your senses everything will be great again

SATURDAY: THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL!
(the end?)

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this is your master blog designer

And this is her announcement:

Blogger’s being screwy right now and html editing isn’t available at the moment. This happened the day I was supposed to import the design, so that’s super convenient and, frankly, fills me with unparalleled joy. I mean, yeah, I love looking like an idiot.

So we’re stuck with the default minima template until Blogger gets their act together.

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Sucks to be Lancelot

hey so I got a lot of people asking me
HEY WHEN DOES YOUR SITE UPDATE
ANSWER:
WHENEVER I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT
but it just so happens
that i feel like it every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
so that’s convenient
also!
when I am doing videos
(which should start happening some time this week
depending on how my throat feels)
i post the videos on every day that i do NOT NORMALLY UPDATE
so Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday
NOW YOU KNOW
TELL YOUR FRIENDS

Alright so there’s this dude Lancelot right

some people call him Launcelot
but those people are FRENCH
anyway Lancelot is a dude
who is the best knight in the entire goddamn universe
this is due to the fact that god ABJECTLY REFUSES TO LET HIM DIE
it’s not like he doesn’t try to get his ass killed
he lives in a fucking monestary for like a million years
beating himself with whips and eating gruel and murdering giants
but every time he is about to die
God is just kind of like NOPE
NUH UH
GOTTA KEEP ON TRUCKIN’ LANCELOT
and Lancelot is like fuckkkkk
guess i better beat myself with more whips

so this continues for a long time
pretty much just a shitty arrangement for everyone involved
when one day Lancelot’s nephew Sir Bors shows up
he’s like hey Lancelot what’s good
and Lancelot is like nothing
clearly
and Bors is like that’s cool that’s cool
hey listen
so I am one of king arthur’s knights right
and a bunch of his knights just got their asses killed
you know
like knights kind of tend to do
so Arthur is having a tournament to find some more knights
wanna do that?
and Lancelot is like no not really
I don’t want to do anything
and Bors is like fuck you do it anyway
and Lancelot is like well ok i guess but I’m not gonna like it

so Lancelot puts his special sadness whip away
and gets on a horse
and he and his nephew head back towards camelot
BUT FUN FACT GUYS
APPARENTLY SUBSISTING FOR YEARS ON A DIET OF GRUEL AND SELF FLAGELLATION
DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PREPARE YOU FOR CROSS COUNTRY HORSE TRAVEL
WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS
so Lancelot gets sick
and he and Sir Bors have to stop at this castle
and Lancelot is thinking to himself
SWEET
THIS SICKNESS MIGHT FINALLY KILL ME
I LOVE DYING
so he’s pretty jazzed about this
but unfortunately there is this super hot chick there
named Elaine
who is equally jazzed about keeping him alive
and subsequently boning the shit out of him
HOLD ON HOW IS THIS UNFORTUNATE
ALSO WHY IS EVERY SINGLE CHICK THESE KNIGHTS ENCOUNTER
THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
YOU CANNOT TIE FOR HOTTEST CHICK IN THE WORLD
THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE THE HOTTEST WOULD YOU ASSHOLE?
anyway Elaine prays to god
like god make Lancelot better
and god is like sure
I LOVE doing things that make this dude sad
even though honestly he has no reason to be sad
because he is INVINCIBLE
and a hot chick is rubbing her ERECT NIPPLES on his FACE
but so basically Lancelot recovers
and he is thankful to Elaine for sure
but he certainly does not have any boners to spare for her
NONE
he needs to hold onto his boners for ADULTERY
more about that later
meanwhile instead of hot makeouts with Elaine
Lancelot is engaging in hot man on man knight training with Elaine’s bros
and when the time comes to leave
Lancelot is pretty much just like bye
thanks for the soup or whatever
I’ll totally wear your sleeve on my head
as a token of your favor in this tournament i’m going to
but that doesn’t mean i give a shit about you
in fact i’m going to come back here later
and tell your dad to put you in a nunnery
and then you’re gonna kill yourself
so heads up on that
and then he leaves with her two brothers to go fight dudes

BUT PLOT TWIST
Lancelot cannot abide by getting credit for his actions
so he is like hey
one of Elaine’s bros
give me your armor and shield
and i will give you mine
and then everyone will think you are me
and i will be free to romp and stomp anonymously
so they do that
and then they go to the tournament
and Lancelot romps and stomps
as predicted
and Arthur sees that shit going down
and he is like whoa
someone beat the shit out of that guy
and sir Kay
who is completely worthless at everything he does
is like I WILL DO IT
and then Arthur is like fuuuuuck
hey Sir Gawain will you go ahead and follow Sir Kay
just so he doesn’t embarrass himself
and Gawain is like I AM ON IT
so he goes and fights Lancelot
and loses
predictably
even though Lancelot tries to lose PRETTY MUCH AS HARD AS HE CAN
cause eventually god is just like fuck this
and makes Lancelot break Gawain’s sword at the hilt
at which point Arthur is like shit dude wanna be a knight?
and Lancelot is like don’t mind if I do

so then later everyone is having dinner
(the ladies are eating seperately from the dudes
i guess because there is a law
that men cannot look at boobs and eat at the same time
although i don’t know whether that was a law of Britain
or a LAW OF NATURE
actually i’m leaning towards law of Britain
because there is pretty much no circumstance
that can render me unable to look at boobs
even something as complicated as eating)
and a knight named Sir Meliagrant busts into the ladies’ room
and he is like I AM JUST SO FUCKING EVIL
and sir Kay is there serving everyone some sauteed mushrooms
and Sir Meliagrant just backhands him like HAHAHAHAHA BITCH
NOW I’M TAKIN UR WOMAAN
and he picks up Guenevere and just walks out of the castle
GUYS
THIS IS THE SHITTIEST PALACE SECURITY I HAVE EVER SEEN
SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE OFF THE STREET JUST WALKS IN
TAKES THE FUCKING QUEEN
AND THEN WALKS OUT
THERE ARE HOLES IN THIS SECURITY PROTOCOL
BIG ENOUGH TO DRIVE A FUCKING BLIMP THROUGH
LIKE LITERALLY
I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD NOTICE
MAYBE SOME GUARDS WOULD BE LIKE OH LOOK WHAT IS THAT
IT APPEARS TO BE TAKING THE QUEEN
AND THEN SOME OTHER GUARDS WOULD BE LIKE WHATEVER DUDE
IT’S PROBABLY JUST A PARADE OR SOMETHING
ANYWAY I’M WAAAAAAY TOO DRUNK TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

so yeah Sir Kay wakes up from being backhanded
and sees all the ladies freaking out
and he is like I MUST RESCUE THE QUEEN
so he gets on his failhorse and proceeds to gallop onwards towards failure
and then pretty quick after that
Arthur finds out his wife is gone
and he’s like FUCK I GOTTA GO GET HER
but Lancelot is like pshaw my friend
let me do it
and Arthur is like YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so Lancelot saddles up his invincihorse
and gallops onwards with 100% assured success

HERE IS THE IMMEDIATE PROBLEM:
Sir Meliagrant lives in a kingdom
on the other side of a bigass river
and the only bridge
IS A SWORD
SWORDS ARE NOT GOOD BRIDGES
THEY LACK BASICALLY EVERY QUALITY A GOOD BRIDGE REQUIRES
- RAILINGS
- NOT CUTTING YOU IN HALF WHEN YOU TRY TO WALK ON IT
but Sir Meliagrant can walk on it it’s fine
cause he’s evil and that’s how that works
so he goes back to his palace and locks Guenevere in the dungeon
and is like hey i’m gonna rape you later so just sit tight
and Guenevere is like make me
and Meliagrant is like yeah ok
just lemme figure out which torture implements to use on you

MEANWHILE KAY ARRIVES
but he can’t cross the sword obviously
so he takes off all his armor and weapons
and then he throws himself in the river
AND SWIMS TO THE OTHER SIDE
AND THEN CLIMBS THE SHEER CLIFF FACE INTO THE CITY
burn this into your memory my friends
because this
is the ONLY COOL THING
Sir Kay EVER does
IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE
and even this one is pretty shitty
cause no sooner does he get to the top of the cliff face
then Meliagrant is like oh hi there
i see you are unarmed and exhausted
I have a dungeon for that
so he locks up Sir Kay
and then goes back to threatening Guenevere

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SHOWS UP
he ALSO cannot cross the bridge
but he hates swimming
so instead he strips all the armor off his horse
drapes it over the blade
and then monkey crawls to the other side
which honestly isn’t nearly as badass as what Kay did
but is significantly more effective
and then when he gets to the other side
he sees a dwarf
dressed as a jester
with a big ol cart full of feces
and he is like hey dwarf
i don’t have any gold for you to fuck
but could you do me a favor and give me a ride in your shitcart
and the dwarf is like well i want to see you get poop on you
so ok
and Lancelot rides into town and everyone laughs their ass off at him
and the dwarf takes Lancelot RIGHT UP TO MELIAGRANT’S CASTLE
and Meliagrant comes out like hey man good to see you
how about a hug
and Lancelot is like well i do like hugging
and then while they are hugging
some dudes come up and handcuff the fuck out of him
and he is like AW BALLS
and then Meliagrant has to do some really awkward maneuvering
in order to free himself from Lancelot’s arms
it’s like that human knot game
but with only two dudes
and one of them is evil and one of them is invincible
so actually more like dragonball Z?
anyway then Lancelot gets put in jail
and Meliagrant taunts Guenevere some more

BUT UH OH
SUDDENLY IT IS PROBLEM CITY FOR MELIAGRANT
because all Guenevere’s verbal abuse
gives him a ROCK HARD LOVE ERECTION
that WILL NOT GO AWAY
and he is thinking about it to himself
and he is like fuuuuuck
how do i get this girl to like me
i feel like one of the main problems is that i stole her
and put her in prison
and now i am threatening her with torture
but i’m not gonna stop doing any of THOSE things
hm
OH I KNOW
HOW ABOUT I BECOME VIRTUOUS INSTEAD
so the first thing he tries
is he goes outside and he sees a beggar
and he gives the dude some money
the dude then proceeds to go into a store
BUY A CROSSBOW
and then TRY AND ROB HIM WITH IT
so Meliagrant kills him
and he’s kind of back to square 1

so next he goes to Sir Kay
and he’s like hey dude i need a favor
if I let you go
will you promise to go tell Guenevere i’m a cool dude
and she should consider consensual sexytimes with me?
and Sir Kay is like I SWEAR ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE
and then Meliagrant lets him out
and Kay is like POW BITCH
TURNS OUT I HAVE NO HONOR SO FUCK YOU
and then he goes over to Guenevere’s cell
and he’s like hey look I brought you some freedom
I kind of had to lie to a dude to get it but that’s ok right
cause that guy was a dick
and Guenevere is like hm
nope
i better stay here until you figure out how to free me
WITHOUT being a lying sack of tool
and Kay is like SERIOUSLY?
COME ON
THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO BE THE HERO RIGHT NOW
I CAN LITERALLY OPEN YOUR CELL AND YOU CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW
and Guenevere
who as we will soon discover
is a HUUUUUGE BITCH
is like nope
no that is not how we are doing this
so Kay just kind of leaves and starts wandering around the castle
crying softly to himself

MEANWHILE sir meliagrant heals from all his wounds
USING THE POWER OF EVIL
and then he is like shit well
what do i do now
oh I know
I’ll face Lancelot in a fair fight
hey Guenevere
I’m gonna kill Lancelot fair and square
and then we can bang right?
and Guenevere is like oh dude you are so fucked
you do not even KNOW

so Meliagrant brings some swords and armor and horses and shit
and leaves them in front of Lancelot’s cell
but he TOTALLY FORGETS TO UNLOCK THE CELL
so Kay comes along and steals all that shit
and goes out to fight Meliagrant himself
and Meliagrant just RUINS HIS SHIT
AGAIN
FOR THE THIRD TIME
at which point Meliagrant realizes this is probably not Lancelot
and then he is like FUCK
I FORGOT TO UNLOCK HIS CELL
so he does that
and Lancelot comes out
and literally cuts him in half
it’s not even that big of a deal
and then he puts the bloody sword in Kay’s hand
and wakes him up
and is like hey buddy
looks like you are the big man today huh
but then Guenevere is like cut that out Lancelot
Kay’s just going to get himself murdered if you lie to him like that
and Lancelot is like fuck fine
i’m sorry Kay it looks like you failed again
and Kay is surprisingly reasonable about all this
I guess because he is used to failure at this point

so everybody goes back to Camelot
and Arthur is pleased as punch about this shit
and he is like you know what Lancelot
you are now officially in charge of my wife
I mean it’s not like that’s even necessary
I hardly ever do anything but sit on ass
and have feasts with my knights
but really I mainly just want to give you the opportunity to fuck my wife
meanwhile Guenevere is not fine with this AT ALL
and honestly Lancelot is only ok with it because he’s ok with EVERYTHING
these two do not like each other that much is what i’m saying
and plus Lancelot has a vow of chastity apparently
but remember when I said Guenevere was a huge bitch?
well here is where that really comes into play
see she is like hm
Lancelot is basically perfect in every way
he’s invincible
he is modest
he is virtuous
et fucking cetera
that’s awesome
I would like to ruin it
HEY LANCELOT
COME OVER HERE SO I CAN SEDUCE YOU WITH REPEATED INSULTS
THEN YOU WILL BONE ME
BECAUSE I AM ANOTHER ONE OF THE HOTTEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD
and that is what happens
for a long ass time
until problems occur but we will talk about those later

So the moral of the story
is if you are an evil mastermind
try not to systematically give up EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ADVANTAGES
for the sake of getting laid
because what you are actually going to get is killed
and then the dude who killed you is going to get laid
and there is no transitive property on getting laid my friend
especially if you are already dead

THE END.

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Percival is the manliest man ever to wear a dress

alright guys
just got commissioned to tell the story of the holy grail
by sexy action hero Chuck “The Joy of Killing” Manslaughter
but here is the problem my friends
THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF DUDES WHO ARE LOOKING FOR THE GRAIL
AND YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE
so for the next week or so
I am going to be telling you EXACTLY who those fuckers are
starting RIGHT NOW
with Percival

alright so Percival right

some people call him Parcifal or whatever
but those people have speech impediments
anyway this kid is the youngest son of this dude King Pellenor
(this shit is going to be RIFE with hyperlinks in a couple weeks)
and let me give you a quick rundown of Percival’s family tree
King Pellenor:
DEAD
His brother Tor:
KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE
his brothers Aglavale Lamorak and Dornar:
DITTO
his mother:
FREAKING THE FUCK OUT
she is like shit man
I am dishing out sons like clean needles to heroin junkies
SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP
oh I know
how about I raise my remaining son AS A WOMAN
THEN HE WILL NEVER BECOME A KNIGHT
DING DING PERFECT

so percival gets raised as a woman
he learns how to crochet and knit and embroider
and not use swords
and tuck in his balls
except then one day he is playing dolls with his sister
and he hears some shit going on outside the castle walls
and he is like WHOA WHAT IS THAT
and he climbs up and sees some fucking KNIGHTS
and he is like hey hey mom
what the fuck are those things they look AWESOME
and his mom is like uh er oh
those are angels
clearly
you get to be those when you die
so Percival runs over to his sister
and he is like hey sis
i need you to do me a favor
kill me with a rock so i turn into an angel
GREAT JOB PROTECTING YOUR SON FROM HARM SHITTYMOM
but luckily his sister is like ew no
what
and Percival is like FUUUUUUCK FINE
and proceeds to just sneak out of the castle
for the first time ever
to go see what these knights are all about

so he runs up to the knights and he hides in the bushes
which scares the shit out of everybody’s horses
and the knights are like WHOA HEY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS
ARE YOU GAY SON
IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE
and percival is like what
i expected angels to yell less
and the knights are like SON WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
WE ARE KNIGHTS WE MURDER SHIT
and percival is like oohhhh okay
so i’ve been lied to by my mom i guess
hey can I also be a knight?
and they are like WELL NO YOU’RE STILL LIKE 12
BUT COME HIT US UP WHEN YOU GROW PUBES
YOU CAN TOTALLY BE A KNIGHT AT THAT JUNCTURE

so percival goes back home
and his mom is like where the fuck were you
and percival is like nevermind that
as soon as I am a man i’m gonna be a knight
LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKED UP PROTECTING ME WOMAN
and his mom is like fuck shit fuck
but then she’s like no calm down shittymom
you can handle this
all you gotta do
is keep telling him he’s twelve years old
FOREVER
HE’LL TOTALLY BELIEVE ME WHAT A FOOLPROOF PLAN

so she proceeds to do this for YEARS AND YEARS
until Percival is 16
which is the agreed upon age
at which dudes can just start murdering each other
at which point some random asshole knight
just shows up
kicks down the gates of the castle
and prepares to rape the shit out of Percival’s mom and sister
and percival shows up
remember
he is still wearing a dress
and the evil knight is like WHOA YOU ARE AN UGLY BITCH
and percival is like am i really
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH TARTNUGGET
and percival is like could a really ugly bitch
pick you up bodily and throw you over the castle walls
such that you EXPLODE INTO SEVERAL PIECES
and the evil knight doesn’t say anything
because it is hard to say things when you are exploded into pieces

so then percival unties his sister and his mom
and he’s like hey mom
i think i might be an adult now
i mean i just murdered a dude and everything
but his mom is like no son that wasn’t even a big deal what you just did
and percival is like well what about my moustache
and his mom is like no son that is a skin disease
and this creates for percival some SERIOUS BODY IMAGE ISSUES

and then some MORE time passes
and one day percival and his mom and sister are all knitting or whatever
and a fucking COCKATRICE shows up
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT A COCKATRICE IS?
I BARELY EVEN FUCKING KNOW
SOME KIND OF LIKE
PARALYZING ACID BIRD?
DOES IT TURN YOU TO STONE?
DOES IT MELT YOU?
IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU TRUST THOMAS BERGER
OR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS
AND I WOULD NOT TRUST THOMAS BERGER WITH ANYTHING
HE IS AN EXCEEDINGLY SKETCHY GUY
but anyway it doesn’t matter
because percival just tears a TREE out of the ground
turns it into a spear
then THROWS IT INTO THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S EYE
and while the cockatrice is like crying and bleeding acid
percival turns to his mom and sister
like guys
i think i am probably a man at this point
that felt pretty manly what i just did
and his mom is like NO SON THAT WAS JUST A DOG
and percival is like BITCH I HAVE SEEN DOGS BEFORE
I AM GOING TO GO BE A KNIGHT NOW SO JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT
and he leaves
and presumably
since he is no longer at home to protect them
his mom and sister proceed to get eaten by a fucking chimera

so the first thing that happens on the road
is percival is walking along
STILL IN A DRESS MIND YOU
HE DID NOT THINK TO TRY AND LOOT SOME MANCLOTHES
FROM THE FUCKING CASTLE HE LIVES IN
anyway he comes across a tinker
and he’s like dude what’s good
and the tinker is like HAHAHA YOU FUCKING SODOMITE
and percival picks him up bodily and shakes him a little
and then is like dude i just need to know where to sell my clothes
which are made of gold and silk and shit
and the tinker is like uh well oh
just give those to me
and i will give you my shitty wagon full of worthless tin
and also this donkey I ride around on
and percival is like CAN DEALS GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?

so the tinker goes off to sell the fuck out of percival’s shit
and meanwhile percival makes some shitty armor out of all the tin
and then he makes some shitty weapons out of the wagon
and then he can’t even ride the donkey cause he’s too heavy
meanwhile the tinker gets arrested in the next town
because everyone is like you total prick
i bet you stole that shit
but then it’s ok because percival shows up
and is like guys it’s cool he’s not a thief i’m just stupid
and everyone is like oh ok
let’s believe the dude with the potlid for a hat
THUS PERCIVAL RIGHTS HIS FIRST WRONG
PERCIVAL: ULTIMATE KNIGHT?

anyway then pretty quick after that
he finds a damsel in distress
she’s chained up in a shack
and he just snaps the chains by kind of looking at them funny
and then the evil knight who put her there shows up
and is like ok dude
you look like a fucking clown
so here’s what we’re going to do
you tell me some jokes
and for each one that is funny
i will give you a gold coin
and then for each one that is not funny
you get to eat some shit from my horse
sound fair?
and percival is like how about I kill you instead
and the knight is like NOT FUNNY
LET ME GET SOME HORSESHIT FOR YOU TO EAT
and then percival is like dude now you have shit on your hands
you’re going to die with shit on your hands
that’s embarassing
and then he proceeds to kill him and take all his possessions

BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM
all of that evil knight’s possessions
INCLUDES that damsel in distress
and it turns out that damsel is bitch of the year TEN YEARS RUNNING
she is constantly complaining about the dust and the heat
and gnats and flies
and like the lack of color television and bullet trains
but percival is such a nice dude
he just keeps trying to make her happy
while she tries to make him AS MISERABLE AS POSSIBLE
but at least when they bed down for the night
after forcing percival to build her a shelter
and then sleep outside in the rain
in his armor
WHICH IS THE ONLY CLOTHES HE HAS
she does invite him inside and have sex with him
although to be honest percival has no idea what’s going on
he’s just kind of like whoa what
what are you doing
stop moving around so much
whoa now
hey there
WE HAVE DIFFERENT SHAPED GENITALIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THEM
and then the day after
when some piece of shit lesser knight
who is somehow from the round table
insults percival and then tries to kill him
and percival just kind of snaps his arm in half
this worthless bitch of a damsel is like welp
this guy is clearly more of an asshole than you are percival
i guess I better start fucking HIM now
and percival finally doesn’t have to deal with her shit anymore

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE HAS NO SHIT TO DEAL WITH
no pretty much this whole story
is a great big deluge of shit
a torrential downpour of feces
laser targeted on percival
but luckily
PERCIVAL SEEMS TO BE MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF UMBRELLAS
anyway the next thing that happens
is percival is like about to get to camelot
when Lancelot sees him
now see lancelot is out in the orchards of Camelot
boning the shit out of King Arthur’s Wife Guenevere
(more on that later)
when he sees Percival wearing that sweet armor
that he stole from that other prick earlier
but see the problem with this armor
is that on the shield
there is a picture of a unicorn MURDERING A LION
GUYS I DIDN’T KNOW UNICORNS COULD MURDER LIONS
SUDDENLY I AM WONDERING ABOUT OTHER THINGS
CAN CUPCAKES BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF DINOSAURS?
CAN RAINBOWS MURDER THE PRESIDENT?
anyway Lancelot actually has two problems with this picture
problem one: Lancelot’s favorite animal is Lions
problem two: the unicorn reminds him of his erectile dysfunction
so BOOM
suddenly it is fight time
here are our contestants:
Lancelot
greatest knight in the world
versus Percival
dude who just stopped wearing dresses yesterday
BUT GUESS WHO WINS
YES IT IS PERCIVAL
BECAUSE THIS IS A STORY ABOUT PERCIVAL
I WILL TELL YOU STORIES WHERE LANCELOT WINS THINGS ANOTHER TIME
yeah i don’t know how he does it
i mean it’s not like he has sword training or anything
the closest he has is embroidery training
and that isn’t close at all
but he somehow manages to just romp and stomp Lancelot
up to the point where he fucking knocks the sword out of Lancelot’s hands
at which point Percival is like whoa timeout
and Lancelot is like what?
you’re not going to kill me or anything?
and Percival is like dude you were winning
i think you just accidentally dropped your sword or something
and Lancelot is like I LIKE A DUDE WHO PLAYS TO MY BRUISED EGO
COME LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO KING ARTHUR

so lancelot takes Percival over to Arthur’s place
and Arthur is like who is this asshole
and Lancelot is like his name is percival
you should just go ahead and knight him right away
trust me
and arthur
who is pretty senile at this point in the story
is like yeah sure whatever
and he knights percival
and then percival is like sweet so i’m a knight now
got any quests?
and arthur is like hm shit
we kind of ran out of quests
back when I ERADICATED ALL CRIME IN ENGLAND
basically what all the knights are doing now
is looking for the Holy Grail
i’m not even entirely sure what that thing is
or where it is
or even if it exists
but they’re all out looking for it
basically because there isn’t much else to do
so how about you do that?
and Percival is like THAT SOUNDS AMAZING
and THAT is how Percival starts questing for the Grail

So the moral of the story
is you should make all your male children wear dresses
and lie to them repeatedly about their age
it will make them THE ULTIMATE FIGHTERS

THE END

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Aladdin is up to his fucking eyeballs in genies

alright so this kid Aladdin right

he’s pretty much a total fuckup
like his dad is a pretty successful merchant
like basically everybody’s dad in ALL the arabian myths
but Aladdin is more interested in fiddling vigoriously with his balls
than in any kind of mercantilism
so when his dad dies
(by the way his dad’s name is Mustafa
which is a SWEET FUCKING NAME)
his mom ends up having to support the family
ENTIRELY BY HERSELF
by SPINNING COTTON
spinning cotton is not the best job my friends
especially when all your son is doing
is finding new angles from which to insert his thumb into his ass

anyway one day aladdin is fancyswaggerin his way down main street
and this old dude rolls up to him
like hey
hey
aladdin
i am your uncle
here is a magic ring
i need you to do me a sketchy magical favor
and aladdin is like durr ok sure what’s the favor
and the dude is like i need you to go grab this magic lamp for me
from this secret evil booby trapped cave
it’ll be great you’ll love it
and aladdin is like sure yeah that sounds INCREDIBLY LEGITIMATE
but PLOT TWIST guys
what Aladdin DOESN’T KNOW
is that this dude is not his uncle at all
but just some random evil magician
but wait hold on
if this magician is in no way related to Aladdin
why the fuck does he pick this piece of shit to run his errands for him
could it be that aladdin is the only dude IN THE ENTIRETY OF ARABIA
who has nothing to do right now?
seems plausible enough
i mean why else would you specifically go out of your way
to enlist the help of a dude
who is DEMONSTRABLY DISINCLINED TO DO THINGS
but anyway that night aladdin and this sketchy magician
go out into the desert to find this cave

so they get to the cave
and the dude is like alright man
now you gotta go down into that cave
there are gonna be three doors
take the one to the right
then don’t touch any walls
there are going to be a fuckton of trees
don’t ask me why
then you get the lamp
PROBLEM SOLVED
and Aladdin is like alright cool
so he goes in
and he does all that shit
but see what the magician forgot to tell him
is that those trees he mentioned?
COVERED IN FRUIT MADE OF FUCKING RUBIES AND SHIT
THEY ARE INEDIBLY VALUABLE
and aladdin is the kind of person who is easily distracted by shiny
so he goes ahead and just jacks as much fruit as he can
and then he grabs the lamp
and he gets all the way back up to the exit
and he is kind of having a hard time getting out
and his fake uncle is up there like GIMME THE LAMP
and aladdin is like how about help me out of the cave
and fake uncle is like FUCK WHATEVER YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST GONNA LOCK YOU IN HERE
FUCK THE LAMP
FUCK YOU
FUCK THE RING I GAVE YOU
I’M JUST GOING TO TAKE A NET LOSS ON THIS
CAUSE I’M A HUGE ASSHOLE AND I DON’T THINK THROUGH MY DECISIONS

OKAY HOLD ON FOR A SECOND
what the fuck was this magician’s plan this whole time?
let’s analyze the thought process step by step
okay I have a magic ring
I WANT a magic lamp
i know exactly where the lamp is
and how to go in and get it
ok so what should I do
oh I know
I’ll get a notoriously unreliable piece of shit
just some random dude off the street
and I will have him HANDLE ALL OF MY TREASURE
THEN I WILL GET ANGRY AND LOCK HIM IN A CAVE WITH MY STUFF
HOW CAN THIS GO WRONG FOR ME I JUST DON’T SEE HOW
oh and before you say “but aladdin was pure of heart blah blah blah”
GO FUCK YOURSELF
ALADDIN WAS A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT WITH NO FUTURE
DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE HE JUST STRAIGHT UP STEALS SHIT
HE HAS A MONKEY PAL THOUGH THAT’S PRETTY COOL
ANYWAY

now aladdin is locked in this weirdass cave with a ring and a lamp
so what does he do?
well what do people normally do in these situations
he starts crying and masturbating
obviously
and the rubbing action on the magic ring
causes a GENIE TO COME OUT
and Aladdin is like I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING
and the Genie is like no dude it’s cool
i’m a minor genie living in a magic RING
do you think this is the first time this has happened to me
and Aladdin is like oh i guess not
hey can you get me out of this cave
and the genie is like sure no problem
BAM
you’re at home now
so now aladdin is at home
with his mother
and his mother is like whoa shit where did you come from
why is your dick out
and aladdin is like cool it mom
look i found a lamp
and his mom is like I MUST CLEAN THIS
and BAM
it turns out THIS shit has a genie in it too
a BETTER genie
and the genie is like hey guys what’s good
I see you like polishing things
got any wishes?
and aladdin is like yeah i’m hungry as fuck
and the genie is like BAM
HERE’S A BLACK SLAVE WITH SOME SANDWICHES ON A SILVER FUCKING PLATTER
and aladdin and his mom eat the fuck out of the sandwiches
and then they STEAL AND SELL THE PLATES
and that is how they have money all of a sudden
so aladdin STILL doesn’t have to work or do shit
oh and by the way
there is no stipulation about only getting three wishes here
these are some hard-working LEGITIMATE genies
fucking unlimited supply of wishes
just whatever the hell you want at any hour of the day or night
so basically like the ancient arabian version of 7-11
or home depot before they stopped being open 24 hours
do you realize there used to be a 24 hour hardware store?
WHAT KIND OF LUDICROUS SHIT COULD YOU HAVE DONE WITH THAT

anyway
so aladdin goes back to his normal routine
of just wandering all over the fucking place
finding creative ways to be unproductive
when suddenly he sees the sultan’s daughter
whose name is way too fucking long to type
so i’m just gonna call her Blimpy
anyway aladdin sees this chick
and does a 360 testicular kickflip to boner
and is like I KNOW
I’LL BRIBE HER DAD WITH THIS DIAMOND FRUIT I FOUND
so he sends all these jewels to the sultan
who is like whoa shit
i mean i don’t know why these are in the shape of fruit
but they are INCREDIBLY VALUABLE
but I didn’t become sultan by not being a greedy asshole
no
I became sultan via PATERNAL SUCCESSION
so he sends aladdin a letter like sure
you can marry my daughter
if you bring me LIKE FORTY TIMES THIS MANY JEWELS
CARRIED BY 20 WHITE SLAVES AND 20 BLACK SLAVES
yeah i like to keep my slave pool diverse
and then the sultan sits back
and prepares to watch aladdin fail
so he can just keep the bowl of priceless fruit
FOR FREE
WHAT IS IT WITH REALLY RICH DUDES AND TRYING SHIT LIKE THIS

anyway the sultan’s plan has one flaw
which is that he doesn’t take into account the fact
that aladdin has TWO FUCKING GENIES
so the lamp genie
just straight up fabricates all the necessary jewels and slaves
and suddenly it is boner city all up in between Aladdin and Blimpy
and then the genie also makes a palace for them
and they basically just have sex CONSTANTLY
so once again Aladdin is saved from having to basically do anything
by the fact that he pretty much just has genies all over the fucking place

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
remember that sorcerer with little to no problem solving skills?
WELL HE’S BACK
AND HE IS MAKING PROBLEMS NOW INSTEAD OF SOLVING THEM
so basically what he does
is he just walks down the street
going hey does anyone have any old lamps they need replaced
I will replace the fuck out of those lamps for you
and Blimpy sees this dude
and is like well I have this shitty old lamp
not like it has a genie in it or anything
here you go creepy sorcerer here’s a lamp
and BAM now shit is fucked up

so the first thing the sorcerer does
is he teleports the whole fucking palace to africa
why?
cause fuck it
whatever
and then i guess he kind of just hangs out
he doesn’t get spectacular riches or anything
kind of just waits to be thwarted
meanwhile aladdin was probably fucking off somewhere
and he gets back home
but he doesn’t HAVE a home anymore
because it teleported to africa
man i hate when that happens
and the sultan is like BITCH YOU BEST GET MY DAUGHTER BACK HERE
I GIVE YOU THREE DAYS
THEN I RUIN YOUR SHIT

so what does aladdin do?
well what would anyone do in this situation
he starts crying and masturbating
and BAM
here comes the genie of the ring
like oh man looks like you have problems
whats up
and aladdin is like my wife is in africa
can you bring her back
and the genie is like naw dude i’m too shitty
all i can do is bring you to africa
and aladdin is like well that’s almost as good
maybe the sultan won’t kill me if i’m in africa
so BAM he’s in africa
and Blimpy is like what the fuck where did you come from
why is your dick out
and aladdin is like cool it i have a plan
is that retarded sorcerer still around here somewhere?
and Blimpy is like yeah
and Aladdin is like ok
i have this sleeping potion
invite that dude in
and pretend you are going to have all the sex with him
then give him this sleeping potion instead
then we will steal his lamp
it’s so simple it’s brilliant

and guess what guys
IT WORKS
IT GOES OFF WITHOUT A HITCH
nevermind the fact that it is kind of suspicious
that the chick he teleported to fucking AFRICA
suddenly wants to jump his bones
the sorcerer is all up on this
guys you know what i think the problem is
i think maybe this story predates problem solving skills
maybe that was something that had to be invented
like the alphabet and thongs and dynamite
anyway yeah they steal back the lamp
and teleport back home
and i think also kill the sorcerer
and then they live happily ever after i guess
i mean i assume they do
cause how can you not when you have TWO FUCKING GENIES
like
you have a genie
and then you have a BACKUP GENIE
that is TOO MANY GENIES
although to be fair i guess you can’t ever really have enough genies

but so the MORAL of the story
is genies could be anywhere
so rub all your possessions furiously
also the possessions of your friends and family
strangers in the street
just rub as much shit as possible
it’s gonna be worth it when you have fifty fucking genies

The end

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