Excuses Excuses

So as is probably already clear
I am taking off/have already taken off today for mother’s day
but it is not because I love my mother
no no no
it is because I love YOUR mother
yes you
all of you who are reading this
i fucked your moms

the end

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Hera is Such a Bitch

Shirts almost done
I stabbed myself in the hand while whittling a stamp to do the back parts
I GAVE MY BLOOD FOR YOU

ok so anyway Bacchus right

he had some PR problems starting out
like how his dad Zeus had to hide him in his crotch while he was gestating
and how no one would believe he was a god until he actually TORE THEM APART
but at this point in the story he has put all that shit behind him
everyone pretty much agrees that he is a god
and that if he is not then it is probably safer to say he is
because everyone likes having their skin on their bodies

but WHAT’S THIS
i guess hera is still pissed off about zeus’s infidelity
but i mean she can’t really do anything to Zeus directly
because
you know what actually I have no idea
I guess there’s a code or something
anyway she figures the next best thing is fucking over Dionysis’s aunt Ino
his only surviving aunt
pretty sure Hera already killed all the others

so what she does is she goes down to hades
and Cerberus is all like ARF x3
and sisyphus and ixion and tantalus are all chilling out downt here
and so are the furies
so Hera goes over to the furies
who are busy COMBING LIVE SNAKES OUT OF THEIR HAIR
their hair is not made out of snakes it seems
rather
they just have hygiene problems
anyway Hera is like DRIVE INO CRAZY
and the fury conveniently named MADNESS is all yeah ok
and then she flies over to ino’s crib
where she is chilling with her husband and 2 beautiful kids
and she is all like SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES
like snakes are crawling all over her body
and then she puts snakes on them
and then i guess they just stand there while she smears all this other shit on them
like hemlock and blood and smurfberries or whatever
and then BIG SURPRISE
they are crazy

so the first thing Ino’s husband does
is he just snatches his son out of Ino’s arms
and FLINGS HIM TOP SPEED INTO A WALL
WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION STATUS
at which point Ino
who remember
is ALSO crazy
grabs her other kid
runs top speed out of her palace
and jumps off the nearest cliff
all like FUUUUUUCK THIIIIIISSSSSS

so but Venus kinda feels bad
because this is objectively shitty
so she’s like yo poseidon
remember when i just used to be some jizzfoam inside your kingdom?
i figure you owe me a favor because of that
so could you turn Ino and her kid into gods?
and Poseidon is like sure
but i’m gonna change their names and what they look like and everything
so really it’s just like i’m making some gods from scratch but whatever

but then Ino’s handmaidens don’t know this
they’re just standing on the cliff like FUCK
HERA MAYBE YOU TOOK YOUR ANGER A LITTLE TOO FAR HUH?
MAYBE YOU HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS?
and hera’s like I’LL TEACH YOU TO TELL ME I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS
and she turns them to stone
yayyyyy

so the moral of the story
is just stay the FUCK away from Hera

THE END.

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Cats Solve Every Problem

sorry to people who are still waiting on shirts
i am scrambling to get the crossdressing ones screenprinted
and also to make the other ones people ordered
they’re coming
keep your pants on
it would be silly for you to spend all this time waiting for your shirt
only to be pantsless when it arrives
shirtcocking is frowned upon everywhere
also hopefully I will have some exciting shit to announce in the next few days
oh and also I wrote something really silly for this website
go read it and then stick around and maybe read other things there?

anyway today’s myth was brought to my attention by Vigilante/DJ
Dick “REEEEEEEEEMIXXXX” Batman
MONTHS AGO
it is from france

okay so there’s a king right

i mean of COURSE there’s a fucking king
maybe I should just save some fucking pixels
and only let you guys know when there ISN’T a king
I’m pretty sure if you just traveled a hundred years into the past ANYWHERE
it’d be KINGS ALL THE WAY DOWN
but anyway yeah there’s this king
he’s thinking it might be time to stop being king
and maybe let one of his sons be king
but all three of his sons are SOOOO TALENTED AND HANDSOME
that traditional rites of succession just go out the window
and instead the king’s heir is determined by who can find him the tiniest dog
remember this is france we’re talking about

so all three of his kids are like what the fuck
a dog?
they sell those in stores
why are we doing this?
oh yeah
to be KINGS
so they all take off in opposite directions
as is the custom on stupid quests like these
and then we focus on the youngest son because that seems to be the done thing

so the youngest son comes up with a really clever strategy
which is just to buy EVERY DOG HE FUCKING SEES
he’s just marching from city to city
leading a parade of piss, barking, and rabies
probably with the idea that if he just buys EVERY DOG
his bros won’t be able to buy any and he’ll win by default
but oh shit
this fairytale has been going on for like HALF A PAGE
and no one is in the fucking woods yet
LET’S FIX THAT
ok so this guy is in the woods now
it’s raining and it sucks
all his dogs are gone because what the fuck did he expect
but all of a sudden he finds a castle
and he’s like holy shitbed
I gotta get into that castle
so he knocks on the door
and I’ll give you three guesses who answers the door
actually I don’t know why I would even do that
I can’t hear your guesses because we are on the internet
but anyway you guessed wrong
the answer is hands
hands answer the door
yes
just a swarm of cousin Its
but without the hair
and instead of a person they are just a hand
man that would have been a good addition to the Adams Family
oh well
anyway these things are all hovering around the portcullis
all suggestively curling their index fingers
and our hero has NO PROBLEM WITH THIS AT ALL
he doesn’t even have a problem with it when the hands take him inside and UNDRESS HIM
but i guess his trust is rewarded with some pimp attire
and then he gets lead to a bigass dinner table
and at the end of the table
there are CATS
playing INSTRUMENTS
guys I am sorry
I know you came here for a myth and not a fucking NOVELTY CALENDAR
MUSICAL CATS 2011-2012
and the prince is like damn am I high or something because this shit is UNREAL
and then a bunch of other cats come out
and one of them is like this smokin white tabby
WEARING PEOPLE CLOTHES
and then there are other ones CARRYING SWORDS SOMEHOW
CATS DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS
DID SOMEONE GLUE SWORDS TO THESE CATS?
CATS WITH WEAPONS GLUED TO THEM 2011-2012
ok that’s a calendar I would actually buy

anyway the cat is all welcome to my weird castle full of nothing but cats and hands
I know you probably don’t want to eat dead rats so lemme get you some tasty grub
and BAM
there is some tasty grub
the prince is feeling pretty swell now
and then he passes out
and he wakes up next morning and it is time to go hunting

so he gets all gussied up and he goes outside
but the only horse they have for him to ride is a wooden horse
which he is pretty pissed off about understandably
I mean if they hadn’t squandered their horse budget on all these floating hands
they might actually have had some decent animals
but eventually he feels bad so he gets on the horse
and then I guess he sits on it motionlessly for hours while everyone else hunts
because WOOD CANNOT GALLOP

but wood horse or no
the prince has a pretty great time at the castle
the time he has is so great that he TOTALLY FORGETS ABOUT THE DOG HE’S SPOSED TO FIND
and he’s like oh shit what now
I gotta be back home in three days and I am dogless
and the cat queen is like don’t worry
I have a walnut
and the prince is like NO TIME FOR WALNUTS I MUST FIND DOGS
and the cat is like dude
there is a dog in this walnut
and the prince is like
that is astonishingly unlikely
but he listens to the walnut
and he hears a fucking dog in there
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I GUESS I BELIEVE YOU
and then he gets on the wooden horse
which apparently CAN move
and he rides home
and on the way some uglyass dog starts following him i guess
because then he meets up with his bros and they make fun of him
for his mangy dog and his wooden horse
now I dunno about you
but if someone rode up to me on a fucking AMBULATORY WOODEN HORSE
i would not be like hahaha your horse is wooden asshole
because chances are that asshole is a WIZARD
and his horse is a WIZARD HORSE
but I guess these princes know their little brother isn’t a wizard so it’s safe

anyway they all go into the throne room and show the king their dogs
and of course the youngest prince opens up his walnut and his dog wins
because he used magic to cheat whereas his brothers actually worked hard
but then PLOT TWIST
turns out the king is a powerhungry asshole who doesn’t want to give up his crown
plus he figures he can keep milking his kids for bizarre shit
so he’s like uhhh
well
great job everyone
but I’m REALLY having a hard time deciding
so how about you guys go find me a piece of muslin so fine
that it can pass through the eye of a needle
muslin I’m guessing is a kind of fabric you use
if you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about
anyway OFF THEY GO

so this time the youngest prince doesn’t waste any time buying up dogs
he just goes straight to the cat castle
the catstle?
KITTY CASTLE 2011-2012
but so he goes up to the cat queen and is like hey baby
got any superfine muslin?
and the queen is like DO I?
HERE
TAKE THIS WALNUT
and the prince is like does everything here come in walnuts?
and the cat is like not everything
just plot devices

but anyway the prince gets back to the kingdom
and his bros have some pretty fine muslin
but then he is like PREPARE TO GET SHOWN THE FUCK UP
so he cracks his walnut
and inside is a hazelnut
and inside that is a cherry pit
and inside that is a grain of wheat
and inside of that is a millet seed
and the prince is like what the fuck cat
did you spend decades genetically engineering a tree just to fuck with me?
is there a secret grove somewhere
just full of fuckyou trees?
but no
he cracks open the millet seed and inside is A WHOLE BUNCH OF MEGAFINE MUSLIN
it passes through all the needles
EVERY NEEDLE
but hey guess what
the king is still a powerhungry jackass
so he’s like HMM STILL DON’T WANNA NOT BE KING
HOW ABOUT WHOEVER BRINGS BACK THE HOTTEST CHICK GETS TO BE KING
MAYBE

so the prince is like man fuck this
and he goes and rides back to the cat
not even to get a princess
just to complain about what a dick his dad is being
and the cat is like pshaw son
i will get you the sexinest princess of all time
all you gotta do
is cut off my head and also my tail
then set them on fire
and the prince is like WHAT!!?
WHAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!
ok
so he cuts off her head and her tail and sets them on fire
and WHABAM
now she’s a FUCKING HOT AS HELL PRINCESS
because apparently she was raised by fairies
but then they got pissed off because she wanted to fuck some prince
(who coincidentally looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS PRINCE LOOKS)
instead of the king of the dwarves
who is the dude they WANTED her to marry
although I the dwarfking was really even interested
unless her vag was made of gold
but anyway then they go back to the kingdom
and the king is like aw man I don’t wanna be not king anymore
and the princess is like dude it’s fine
I’m so fucking rich
KINGDOMS FOR EVERYBODY
so the two older sons get kingdoms
and then there are still THREE FUCKING KINGDOMS left over for the youngest and her
which sort of begs the question
why did she not just buy herself an army of catwhores and cocaine
and forget all about curses and princes and whatever
but anyway everyone seems happy so that’s ok

so the moral of the story is
it’s totally cool to fuck animals
as long as you decapitate them first

the end.

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