Phu Dong Loves Iron Almost as Much As Dwarves Love Fucking Gold

Today’s post brought to you by Luke “Tendicks” Coulter! Enjoy!

Okay, so I’m not the normally profane and blasphemous fellow you’re used to seeing here (as evidenced by the fact that this line is longer than any line in the past fourteen months. Maybe. I haven’t actually gone back and checked.) but you guys are going to have to deal with it. Or snort in derision and press the close button on this tab as you stroke your white cat and push your thick framed glasses up your nose you fucking snob.

For those of you still here, you’re in for a treat. Today, we are figuratively travelling to the far east with my words, which are like first class if first class didn’t have snobs, who aren’t here any more because of that thing we just went over.

Anyway, this story takes place during the reign of King Hung the Sixth, a fact which I only included because King Hung sounds like the name of a male Asian stripper with no sense of subtlety. Other important things that happened during his reign: Grass grew, paint dried, and he took off all his clothes just before he dropped dead, which makes him sound even more like a stripper but with death instead of sex. Maybe he was a stripper for necrophiliacs?

I have gone off on a tangent. This will probably happen a few times before I’m finished.

The legend I’m about to tell isn’t actually about King Hung. It is about Phu Dong, which also sounds like the name of a male Asian stripper with even less sense of subtlety. He may get naked, too, later, but you’ll have to read on to find out.

It starts out with an old, childless couple just kind of hanging out in their house, talking about how miserable life is and how much they’d love to have a baby. If you really want to dwell on this part (I have no idea why you would, but sad, boring and depressing is what some people really enjoy. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever set foot into a cubicle? Personally, I start screaming whenever I get within ten feet of one and don’t stop until I can’t see it anymore or it’s burned to the ground. This quirk made “take your kid to work” day pretty interesting during my childhood.) just imagine basically any scene from any artsy French movie ever. Or… France in general.

Anyway, they finish their annoying conversation, cry a bit, and then the lady goes out to work in the rice paddy while the husband sits on his lazy ass and masturbates or something. It doesn’t really give an explanation for why this old lady is doing back breaking labor while her husband hangs out at home, but these are the questions that you’re not supposed to ask in the middle of myths. So as this lady’s walking around in the rice field, doing whatever the fuck you do in a rice field, she comes upon a massive footprint.

Now, if I randomly happened upon a huge footprint, my first reaction would be to run away before I got raped by giants, but this is an old lady who just doesn’t give a shit anymore. “Giant footprint?” she says, “Don’t mind if I do!” and goes and steps right the fuck in it.

And then she gets raped by giants. Duh.

Well, not really. Then she gets pregnant, which is a lot less tragic. Still, I kind of prefer to think that it was, like, really fast giants or something. Like maybe so fast she didn’t even notice. Here, I wrote them a theme song, look.

Premature Ejaculation Giants, roaming the land,
Impregnating sterile women who step in footprints, just because they can!
PREMATURE EJACULATION GIANTS!
Doo doo de doo okay so maybe I suck at writing songs.

I’m on a tangent again.

Okay, so this lady steps into this footprint and balloons out like a… a… balloon, I guess. Hm. Lost that one.

Does anybody else think this sounds a little unbelievable? Like… a month later, when she finally tells her husband she was pregnant and he’s all “What?! How!?” and she says “Well, a while ago I stepped in a huge footprint…” and the husband was all “Are you sure it wasn’t that gang bang that I heard about out in the field that I missed because I’m a lazy fuck?” and the lady was all “NOPE, NOPE, IT WAS THE FOOTPRINT.” Reminds me of another story about a girl who got pregnant and nobody was sure how… What was it again? Agh, it’s on the tip of my tongue…

Ah well, it’ll come to me.

OR! OR! As soon as she stepped in the footprint, a four month old fetus popped into her uterus! That would have been hilarious to see. An old lady in a rice field randomly falls over and when she stands up she’s fat.

Where was I?

Oh! Right! Baby gets borned, and appears to have all of the cognitive function as a sack of potatoes with way less practicality, since you can eat potatoes but eating your own children is generally frowned upon unless you’re a shark. For three years this thing is a vegetable (see what I did there?), until one day a messenger of King Hung (hur hur) sprints into the village, looks around wildly, grabs the nearest dude by the lapels and screams “OH CONFUCIOUS (Or Buddha? Maybe I should research this so as not to offend anyone…) SAVE US THE CHINESE ARE ATTACKING AND WE’RE TOTALLY FUCKED TELL ME DO YOU HAVE ANY MIRACLE BABIES STASHED AWAY SOMEWHERE THAT CAN FIX THIS!” and the villagers are all like “Nope no miracle babies here, sorry, all we’ve got is this really stupid one who can’t walk or talk or anything.” and the baby is all “sup?” and the villagers are like “What the fuck?” and the messenger is like “YOU’LL DO, EVEN THOUGH THERE IS OBJECTIVELY NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU.” and the baby is like “Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go and get me a fuckton of arbitrary shit. I want a metal stick, and a metal helmet, and some sweet ass metal armor, and a metal pony.” and the messenger is all “YESSIR RIGHT AWAY SIR.” and runs off to get the king to do the bidding of some random bumpkin kid.

Meanwhile, back in the village, the kid looks around and says “Okay, time for you guys to start doing my bidding, too. I want a mountain of chocolate, a million tons of rice, some dog (because this is Vietnam) some goat, some snails, some more rice, a bit more chocolate, and I want it all yesterday! Feed me I am hungry!”

So they begin feeding this kid, and he eats more than an industrial shredder. Like… once a cart of schoolchildren were going to school and they accidentally drove in front of him and there were huge casualties. And, as they’re feeding this kid, he grows an grows and grows until he is roughly the size of a barn. A small barn, but a legitimate one. One that could fit horses and hay bales and stuff.

Anyway, the messenger comes back, hauling all this iron shit that the kid wanted. The kid (who, although he is now huge, is still 3 years old. Remember that.) stands up, straps on the armor, (which somehow fits him, a plot hole that I can’t figure out, but fuck that, it’s magic!) picks up the iron stick, climbs on the iron horse, and rides off to do battle.

Does anybody else want to know what would happen if you got the wooden horse from that cat myth earlier and this iron horse together? I bet it would be horrific to see, but I also bet I would get some sweet furniture out of it. Like a bed frame made of horse legs, or a nightstand that whinnies. Or at least a freaking sweet album cover, if I had a camera handy.

Back to the battle, the entire An army (that’s it’s name. It is an army, and also the An army. Awesome.) sees this freak of nature coming, a sort of colossus made of metal, swinging a metal stick, and riding a metal horse that is breathing fire at this point, because why the fuck not, and all of the soldiers are basically like nope nope nope nope and they turn around and run away.

See, if this was a modern day myth, that would be the end of it, but no. There hasn’t been nearly enough bloodshed. So Phu Dong rides after them, swinging his metal stick around and screaming, and he hits the army (the whole army and nothing but the army) SO HARD that he breaks his IRON STAFF in half.

Again, this could possibly be the end of it, a properly chastened enemy getting their ass handed to them by a three year old baby with a glandular problem. But no. “No iron stick?” says Phu Dong. “That’s okay. There’s a whole bamboo forest over there I can use.” So he rides his iron horse over there, picks up the bamboo forest, and hits the fleeing An army with THAT, too. Until they were all dead.

That last part is probably an allegory or something, but I don’t really care. A baby just picked up a bamboo forest and beat one of the modern world’s superpowers over the head until it died, while riding a fire breathing horse made out of metal.

And after Phu Dong did that, he and his horse flew to the top of a mountain where they both lived forever.

The moral of the story is listen to your coworker’s baby stories, because, if you’re lucky, you will hear something more metal than you have ever heard in your entire life. Also, don’t invade Vietnam, but we already fucked that one up so there’s not really much of a point in including it.

When Mister Tendicks isn’t lampooning the Vietnamese, he is busily lying to the internet over on this website

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Fuck Siblings

Okay so hey guys
this is my last post before I move to chicago
prepare for a GUESTSTRAVAGANZA
we’ve got crazy shit coming from all quarters
philosophy
history
sherlock fucking holmes
you name it we’ve got it
but right now it is time for a VERY SAD GREEK MYTH

so there’s this chick byblis right

she’s got a bro named Caunus
and this is a greek myth
so obviously she wants to bang him
but it’s okay
because she is aware of what a TERRIBLE IDEA THAT IS
except it turns out that being aware that something is a terrible idea
and NOT DOING IT
are two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS
by the way I should say
what the fuck are you doing with your life if you are not reading the metamorphoses
Ovidius Publius Naso
(not me, the real one)
makes slow comfortable love to your eyeballs every time you read one of his poems
this one is especially great
now let me get back to shitting all over it

okay so Biblys is agonizing over whether or not to bang her bro
they kiss and stuff
but you know what they say in Greece
it’s not incest if you don’t get past second base
what’s second base again?
I forgot
is that the one where the dick pops out?
god wouldn’t it be fucked up if you were playing baseball
and you slid into second base and a dick popped out?
let’s talk about something else

okay so Biblys decides to write Caunus a letter
it starts out like DEAR CAUNUS
I WOULD LIKE TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS WHILST CONFESSING MY LADYBONERS TO YOU
OH BY THE WAY MY NAME IS BIBLYS AND I’M YOUR SISTER
AW FUCK
ANYWAY WE SHOULD TOTALLY BANG
I MEAN ZEUS FUCKS HERA ALL THE TIME
AND IT’S NOT AS IF THE GODS ARE WILDLY IMMORAL OR ANYTHING
COME ON I’VE GOT MY COOTER PROPPED OPEN AND READY TO GO
ROOM’S UNLOCKED LET’S FUCKING DO THIS
PS IF YOU DON’T FUCK ME I’LL KILL MYSELF
and then she gives it to a messenger
or rather she tries to give it to a messenger
but that shit FALLS OUT OF HER HANDS
and apparently dropping shit is a bad omen
but she doesn’t give a fuck
so the messenger delivers the message
and Caunus is like AAGH
AGHHH
WHAT IS
WHAT
FUCK NO
JUST
FUCK NO
and the messenger goes back to Byblis like welp
sucks to be you
and Biblys is like GODS DAMMIT
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRUST A WAX TABLET TO DO A WOMAN’S JOB
I’LL TURN THAT BONERFROWN UPSIDE DOWN
BY WHICH I MEAN I WILL PERFORM FELLATIO ON HIM
so she runs into his room like HEY WHO ORDERED A FELLATIO
and Caunus is like AH FUCK GO AWAY
and he runs away and starts a new kingdom
and she follows him
so he keeps running away
and she keeps following
all the fuck OVER the damn place
like she fucking sprints past the Chimaera and EVERYTHING
until finally she ends up in a forest
and all the nymphs and whatnot are like girl you need to move on
ain’t no man worth this much trouble
and Byblis is like FUCK YOU GUYS I’M TURNING INTO A RIVER OF TEARS
and so now she’s a river
why is it that all these myths
are just fucking origin stories for minor greek geological features
the landscape is just rife with ladytrees and dudeflowers
and stones and I guess rivers apparently

so the moral of the story is
bros before hos
and as any ho knows
don’t blow your own bro or else there your bro goes

THE END

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Apollo Never Gets Laid

Hey so real quick
gonna let you guys know what’s going to happen on this website over the next few days
today and Tuesday I am going to dig back into the metamorphoses
and tell some sweet greek myths because it’s been a while
and then starting on Thursday there is going to be a GUEST WEEK AND 2 DAYS
because i am moving to Chicago and it is had to move to chicago and write myths at the same time
this is something I have learned the hard way
trust me there is some really sweet shit queued up for that week and 2 days
BUT ANYWAY

so remember how apollo tried to bang that Daphne chick
and she turned into a tree forever rather than put out
like pretty much the ultimate cockblock?
yeah
that is not an isolated event
this kind of shit happens to Apollo ALL THE TIME
like so check it out

one time apollo is out with his boytoy Hyacinthus
they hunt all the time and hold each other’s animals and shit
they are having so much fun
they are having all the fun
no one else can have any fun because they are having it all
but so then one day
they’re out in the middle of the field
and they strip down and rub themselves with oil
and Apollo is like ALRIGHT NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
and Hyacinthus is like okay
now that we’re all oiled up
and Apollo is like YES YES DO GO ON
and Hyacinthus is like LET’S THROW SOME MOTHERFUCKING DISCUS
and Apollo is like oh
well okay sure
I guess that sounds fun

so Apollo goes first
he chucks his discus way the fuck into the sky
it mutilates the clouds and skullrapes some birds and devours some airplanes
basically it is a really good discus throw
and then it lands
and Hyacinthus is all like MY TURN MY TURN LEMME GO GET IT
and Apollo is like WAIT HOLD ON IT HASN’T STOPPED BOUNCING YET aww fuck
hey Hyacinthus wake up
get that discus out of your face
that is not where a discus belongs
haha okay great prank but prank time is over
you can stop bleeding all over everything and being dead now
GOD DAMMIT WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

but then he gets his shit together
he’s like welp
it’s not my fault this kid was a dumbass
i guess the best bet is to solve this problem the way I solve all my romance problems
WITH BOTANY
HYACINTHUS
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE FLOWERS
YOUR PETALS ARE GOING TO SAY AI AI AI ALL OVER THEM
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MY BALLS ARE SCREAMING RIGHT NOW
SERIOUSLY MY JIZZPOUCHES ARE FUCKING CERULEAN
and that is where Hyacinths come from

so the moral of the story
is discus throwing is a terrible idea for a first date

The end.

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It’s been a while since I talked about booze

Okay so I’m taking a bartending class right now
and today I learned the origin story
of JAGERMEISTER
which if you are not familiar with it
is basically the closest you can get to shitting into your own mouth
actually it’s not that bad
i just really wanted to say that
it actually tastes like if liquorice developed a drinking problem

but ANYWAY
there’s this guy named Hubert right
he’s born in some french city with a really german name
he’s a duke or something
oh wait no he’s just the heir to the dukethrone
god is there a way to say dukethrone that doesn’t make it sound like a toilet?
also his grandfather’s name is Chairbert

so there’s not really a lot to do when you are mega rich in medieval europe
you kind of just have two options
you can have sex
or you can kill people
and while having sex could potentially supply you with an endless chain of babies
(which you could then kill
thus killing two birds with one stone
or i guess two babies with one sword
actually you could just kill as many babies as you want with a sword
unless they were kung fu babies
but even then my money’s on the sword)
SOME PEOPLE like to keep it simple
and Hubert is one of them
he is all about hunting
just killing animals
maybe taking their horns
not givin’ a FUCK about anything at all
until one day
good Friday to be specific
he’s nancing around the forest chasing this big white deer
and suddenly it stops and turns around
and there’s this HUGE GOLD CROSS JUST FLOATING BETWEEN ITS ANTLERS
and Hubert’s all like AAAAAAAA FUCK A FLOATING CROSS
and the deer is all HUBERT YOU BETTER STOP HUNTING ALL THE TIME
and Hubert is like OKAY CRAZY TALKING JESUS DEER
and then he becomes a priest
the deer actually tells him to go seek out some specific dude
who trains him to be a priest
but whatever
that guy dies like right now anyway
cause yeah Hubert goes on a pilgrimage to Rome
and while he’s there his trainer dude gets assassinated
and the pope hears about it via Catholic Telepathy
and he’s like HUBERT YOU ARE THE NEW BISHOP OF WHEREVER YOU’RE FROM
and then Hubert starts getting called the Apostle of something or other
and he gets sainted and shit

see I like the catholic thought process
not gonna lie
catholics in the middle ages were all like man
this jesus shit is gonna get old QUICK
better come up with some new jesuses
but they can’t be as jesusy as jesus because that would undermine EVERYTHING
so let’s make a bunch of bite sized mini jesii and call it a day
AND IT WORKS
that shit is SO ENTERTAINING
oh fairytale kick is officially over by the way

so anyway hubert gets home and he decides to fuck up all the pagans
who happen to live in the woods he used to hunt in
so i guess he uses his hunting powers FOR JESUS
also he cures a case of rabies
although the myth doesn’t say who or what he cured
could have been a rabid guy
or it could have just been a squirrel or something
no way to know
and then one day he’s on his way to dedicate a church
and god is all HEY HUBERT YOU’RE GONNA DIE
and Hubert is like MAKE ME
and god was like THAT’S WHAT I WAS PLANNING ON DOING BUDDY
so then Hubert dies

and then later someone invents Jagermeister!
it’s got like
the hunter’s prayer on it in german
and the hunter’s badge is on the cap
and there’s a picture of that fucked up deer on the front
because Hubert is the patron saint of hunters
which I don’t really get
because how do you become the patron saint of something
when you gave it up in order to become a fucking saint?
whatever

i guess the moral of the story
is if you are hunting
and deers start turning into jesus and talking to you
it is time to find a new hobby because you are hunting wrong

THE END.

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