Cephalus has nothing to do with squids, disappointingly

okay so there’s this fucking guy right

his name is Cephalus and he is pretty legit
but as you will soon learn that does not stop gods from fucking him over
basically what happens is the goddess Aurora sees him and is like OH DAMN
LET ME PUT SEX ON YOU
VIA THE TIME-TESTED MEDIUM OF KIDNAPPING
so she steals him

but see the problem here
is that Cephalus has a wife
her name is procris
and she is favored by Diana
which is weird because Diana is the god of no sex forever
so i guess this is what you might call a sexless marriage
but anyway Procris totally gets sweet prizes from Artemis
like this magical dog that can run real fast and shit
and she gives it to her husband because SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH
fuck man if I got a megafast dog i would keep that shit
she must really like this dude

but so yeah
when Aurora sees that Procris is giving away MAGIC SPEED DOGS to her husband
and also when she learns that Cephalus is totally not gonna bone her
she is like ok fine
you can go back to your shitty mortal wife
but i swear some day it’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass

so then one day it does
see there is this fox everyone hates
the gods put it there because they are dicks
and no dog can catch it
so they borrow cephalus’s dog
and it’s gonna catch it
except then the gods turn the dog and the fox into stone
because fuck it why not
and then later Procris hears that Cephalus is talking to himself
writing love poems to the fucking wind
and she freaks out because she thinks the wind is a person
and goes to spy on him
and because he is a great hunter he shoots her in the fucking face
and then she dies
and he’s like woman
the breeze is not a person what the hell is your problem
and everyone is sad forever

so the moral of the story
is before you get jealous of someone
look up their name in the dictionary
they might be an inanimate object
and inanimate objects are not worth getting shot over

the end

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Hair accessories are not good security devices

Ok so someone
and I honestly don’t know who it is
mailed me a brand new copy of Bulfinch’s Greek and Roman Mythology
who are you?
how did you get my address?
how did you get so awesome?
so yeah I’m gonna be telling a myth from that
in hopes of persuading this mystery benefactor not to stalk me to my house

So King Minos right?

you remember him no doubt
he’s the kind of dude who when his wife fucks a cow
responds by exiling the cow
imprisoning the baby in a labyrinth
then extorting the countryside into feeding his son LIVE HUMAN BEINGS for DECADES
so Minos is what we in the business call a serious motherfucker
although perhaps that title is better reserved for oedipus
whatever

so one day Minos runs out of dudes to wantonly destroy
so he’s like I know
how about I go wage war on this dude Nisus
he’s a king he probably has SOMETHING i can steal
so he rolls on over to Nisus’s crib
and he’s like yo man bout to take your kingdom
and Nisus is like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU ASSHOLE
MY KINGDOM CAN NEVER FALL AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS SWEET PURPLE WEAVE IN MY HAIR
and Minos is like SERIOUSLY?
fuck
I was expecting a lot of things
but a magic purple hair extension was not one of them

so Minos proceeds to camp out in front of Nisus’s castle
and kill a bunch of dudes in the process
but see what he doesn’t know is that every day he is getting spied on
by this chick Scylla
who is Nisus’s daughter
she is chilling out in a tower overlooking Minos and his dudes
like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA HIT THAT LIKE A METEOR MADE OF TITS
but HOW?!
he’s sort of besieging my city right now
man you know what?
fuck it
fuck my city
I need to get LAID

so what she does
is she sneaks into her dad’s room at night
and she cuts out his magic cranial accessory
and she runs out to Minos’s army like YO MINOS I HEARD YOU LIKED KINGDOMS
SO I SHAMELESSLY BETRAYED MY FATHER
WANNA BONE?
and Minos is like EWWWW
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I DON’T WANNA GET WITH NO FATHER-BETRAYER
BOUT TO STAB YOU NOW BITCH HOW ABOUT THAT
still totally gonna take the kingdom though
and Scylla is like FUCK YOU I AIN’T GONNA GET STABBED
so she jumps into the water
and starts trying to hitch a ride home on one of Minos’s boats
but then her dad shows up
except it’s not her dad it’s an EAGLE that USED TO BE HER DAD
I guess his hairstyle was the only thing keeping him from being a bird?
anyway he swoops down and mauls the shit out of her
and then SHE turns into a bird
so I guess
zombie birds?

but so anyway the moral of the story
is before you betray your kingdom to get with someone
make sure you are at least marginally bonable in your own right
because even a free kingdom may not be enough
to make them overlook your butterface

THE END.

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Being a fisherman is occasionally lucrative

ok so there’s this fisherman

for some reason he has a habit of only casting his net four times a day
so one day he’s casting his net
and it’s like straight out of a bugs bunny cartoon
dude is pulling up old boots
big jars full of sand
tin cans
whatever
and he’s about to cast his net one last time
and he’s all HEY ALLAH
YOU KNOW HOW YOU’RE ALL-MERCIFUL AND JUNK?
HOW ABOUT I CATCH SOME FISH NOW OK?
and then he casts his net and comes up with a magic lamp
and he’s like ALLAH THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR
but thanks I guess?

so I know what you’re thinking
what makes this thing a magic lamp
as opposed to just a regular old lamp?
first of all, it’s SUPER heavy
and as we all know
heaviness = magic
whales are the wizards of the ocean
second of all
it has a lead seal in the spout
marked with the SEAL OF KING SOLOMON
pretty heavy shit
now you would think that if King Solomon wanted this lamp to stay all constipated
it might be a good idea to keep that plug in there
but apparently this fisherman took a few levels in supreme idiocy
because he just digs out his pocketknife and opens that fucker up
i don’t know what he thinks he’s going to find
tiny rubies?
really heavy popcorn?
well what he actually finds is a MOTHERFUCKING GENIE
and the genie is all like hey dude thanks for rescuing me
gonna kill you now
and the fisherman is like whoa what the fuck
why
and the Genie is like well
king solomon imprisoned me in this lamp CENTURIES ago
and for a while i was down there at the bottom of the ocean all like
man whoever releases me is gonna get 3 wishes
and then as time went by i was like ok whoever lets me out is gonna get FIFTY wishes
and then i got bitter and decided to use murder instead of wishes
so i guess this is just a case of bad timing huh?
and the fisherman is like THAT MAKES NO SENSE
I JUST RESCUED YOU FROM A GODDAMN LAMP
and the genie’s like sorry dude
I promised myself I was gonna murder somebody and I don’t wanna let myself down
and the dude is like hold on wait a second
you’re telling me you
a grown-ass genie
were imprisoned in that tiny bottle for several centuries?
and the genie is like yeah what of it
and the man is like i don’t believe you
and the genie is like YOU JUST SAW ME COME OUT OF THE FUCKING BOTTLE
and the man is like bullshit
I saw nothing
prove it
and the genie is like FINE I’LL PROVE IT
and he gets back in the bottle
LIKE AN IDIOT
and the fisherman puts the cork back in
TA DA

now that could have been the end of the story
but of course then the genie starts being a whiny little bitch
and being like please release me dude
I will totally hook you up with some sweet loot
and instead of seriously bargaining with the genie or anything
the dude is basically just like ok i guess we’re even now
and lets him out
and the genie is like alright dude
lemme show you this bitchin’ lake I know about

so they go to the lake
and the fisherman dude casts his net
and he gets FOUR FISH
not a lot of fish by any standard
definitely not enough fish to justify releasing a fucking MURDEROUS GENIE
but they are in some pretty bitchin colors
red, yellow, green and blue
and the genie is like take these to the sultan
it will be great I promise

so the fisherman takes the fish to the sultan
and the sultan buys them off him for like 500 bucks
which is pretty sweet
and then he gives them to some chick to cook
but when she tries to cook them
some other random chick BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN
SAYS SOMETHING TO THE FISHES ABOUT AN ANCIENT PROMISE
THEN THE FISH START FUCKING TALKING
and by the time that’s all over dinner is ruined
but unfortunately the cooking chick is the only one who saw that shit happen
so when the vizier walks in she’s just standing there with 4 burnt tropical fish
like uh
magic?
so the Vizier is like BULLSHIT
I GOTTA SEE THIS FOR MYSELF

so they send for the fisherman
and he gets them 4 more fish for 500 more bucks
and they try this shit again
and the SAME SHIT HAPPENS
except this time it’s a black dude who busts down the wall
and then the vizier tells the sultan
and they’ve gotta do the whole thing AGAIN for HIM
so the fisherman is making some serious cheddar off of this
until the sultan sees what’s going on and is like ALRIGHT
GO GET THE FISHERMAN
TELL HIM TO TAKE US TO THIS FUCKED UP LAKE
and the fisherman is like dammit genie
i really would have preferred a couple of nice simple wishes
a gold cock and a swimming pool full of blowjobs or something
whatever
i’m sure i could have come up with something better than a fucking magic lake
that i have to walk to every day and then sell worthless magic fish to the king

but anyway the sultan and all his dudes camp by this lake
and they hear about how there’s like a castle up in the mountains or something
so the sultan tells his Wazir
(a wazir is basically like an ultimate butler that only sultans get)
to not let anybody into his tent and tell everybody he is asleep
while meanwhile he sneaks into the mountains to see whats up

so up in the mountains is this really sweet castle with no one in it
except this one really sad dude whose legs are made out of stone
and the sultan is like dude what the fuck is wrong with your legs
and the guy is like WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
basically i was the king and my wife was a twank
and she kept drugging me to go bone this gross leper
so i got pissed off and hit the leper with my sword
but it’s ok
i only severed half his neck and most of his veins
but then it wasn’t ok because for like THREE YEARS my wife mourned over him
and built a fucking shrine for him in the castle
and finally tricked me into admitting I stabbed him
and then got real pissed at me and turned my legs to stone
and turned everyone in the kingdom into fish
color-coded according to their religious beliefs
and turned the islands the kingdom was on into mountains
and moved the whole place like a year’s journey east
yeah it seems like a lot of effort huh
i guess she was pretty pissed?
and every day she whips me a whole bunch
and then goes and tries to feed that leper dude some soup

and the sultan is like fuuuuuuck man
lemme help you out real quick
so he goes into the tent where the leper dude is
and he stabs him and chucks him in a well
then he puts on all his clothes and gets into his grossnasty bed
and when the witch chick comes in in the morning he’s like HEY HONEY I CAN TALK NOW
oh by the way the leper is also a black dude
and at this point the sultan does a pretty racist caricature of black dude talkin’
which i think both the original author and the 19th century translator
thought was HILARIOUS
but which in retrospect is actually pretty tame
anyway he’s like HEY LADY
YOU KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T RECOVERED YET?
NOT BECAUSE OF THE HIDEOUS WOUND IN MY NECK
BUT BECAUSE YOUR STONE-LEGGED HUSBAND IS SO MISERABLE AND HE CRIES ALL THE TIME
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN HIS LEGS INTO LEGS INSTEAD OF ROCKS
and the witch chick is like right away loverboy
and so she does it and comes back
and the sultan is like OH YEAH I FORGOT
I AM ALSO GETTING ALL KINDS OF BOTHERED BY HOW EVERYONE IS FISH
AND HOW THE ISLANDS ARE MOUNTAINS AND STUFF
MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIX THAT
and the witch is like sure no problem
so she does
at which point the sultan runs out of crafty ploys and just stabs her in the chest
and then throws her in the well
and the day is saved!

so now they’re suddenly a whole year away from home
on account of magic
but no one gives a fuck because the day is saved and whatnot
the stone-leg dude becomes the sultan’s adopted son
and they spend a year getting back to the sultan’s crib
miraculously unharmed by its ruler having been gone for well over a year
and then the sultan hits up the fisherman like yo
thank you for uh
for instigating some ridiculous good times?
been a long time since I’ve had a good excuse to fling some corpses into some wells
here
let me marry your daughter right quick
then i will marry your other daughter to this adopted son I have
and then i’ll make your son the mayor or something
and the fisherman is like SWEET
i guess it all worked out in the end

so the moral of the story is
not all genies grant wishes
some grant clusterfucks

THE END.

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Chang’e gets the short end of the immortality stick

a special internet thank you
to comics wizard Tom Siddell
for bringing this mythological personage to my attention with his internet comic

okay so you guys know about the sun right?

it’s this big ball of fire and explosions that flies around giving people cancer
but did you know there used to be TEN SUNS?
yeah
it SUCKED
it sucked so bad that Di Jun (aka Chinese Zeus)
(aka the father of all these rambunctious suns)
(get it? suns? sons? it’s brilliant)
had no idea what to do
so here’s what went down:

So there’s this really great archer named Hou Yi
and he’s chilling in his heavenly crib with his wife Chang’e
and all of a sudden the phone rings and it’s Di Jun
Hou Yi is like yo Di Jun my man what’s cookin’?
and Di Jun is like my friend the entire earth is cooking
you could fry an egg on a fucking glacier right about now
and it ain’t none of this sous vide bullshit or nothing
this is honest to goodness summer backyard barbecue
except instead of a big plate of watermelon on the back porch
everyone’s skin is melting off
can you solve this problem for me?
and Hou Yi is like you got it buddy

so Hou Yi grabs his trusty arrows and goes outside
and just kills nine out of the ten suns
and then he stares at the tenth sun real hard and he’s like
you best behave, sun
and the sun is like OK DUDE NO PROBLEM
and promptly dives underground and takes the subway home
and Hou Yi is like well that was easy
you’re welcome Di Jun
and Di Jun is like WHAT THE FUCK MAN YOU JUST KILLED 90% OF MY SUNS
I MEAN SONS
WELL I MEAN TECHNICALLY BOTH
and Hou Yi is like dude do you know who you called to solve your problem?
you called Hou Yi the immortal archer
what the fuck did you think was going to happen?
you know what they say:
when the only tool you have is a hammer
every problem starts to look like you can solve it by shooting your friend’s sons
until they explode and turn into mutant birds
(oh yeah, they totally turned into birds by the way)
um i think i may have mixed my metaphors a little bit
and Di Jun is like DAMN RIGHT YOU DID
I AM HEREBY REVOKING YOUR IMMORTALITY
ALSO:
YOUR WIFE’S IMMORTALITY
and Chang’e is like hey what the fuck
what did I do?

so now Hou Yi and Chang’e are both mortal
and Chang’e will NOT stop bitching about it
so finally Hou Yi is like GRR FINE
I will go get us some immortality
so he goes all the way the fuck to the west
and he finds Xiwangmu, the good witch of the west
who gives him a couple pills of immortality
and she’s like careful dude
this is some heavy shit
don’t take too much
and Hou Yi is like sure no problem
and then proceeds to go home and leave all the pills with his wife
while he goes out to shoot some things with arrows

so different tellers of this story ascribe different motivations to Chang’e here
some say she was a greedy twank who wanted all the immortality for herself
some say that there were some robbers and she took all the pills to spite them
some say she got hungry and confused
whatever
the point is Hou Yi isn’t gone for fifteen seconds
before all the pills are in his wife’s mouth
at which point she proceeds to have
THE ULTIMATE OVERDOSE

but instead of throwing up and then dying
which would be SILLY
Chang’e becomes TOO IMMORTAL
and apparently Immortality = buoyancy
so she floats to the moon
and her husband comes home and sees her floating to the moon
and he’s about to take out his bow and try to shoot her down
but everyone is all NO HOU YI
SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS BY SHOOTING THEM
and Hou Yi is like seriously?
fuck
and then his wife lives on the moon with a rabbit forever
and later another guy named Wu Gang gets sent there
he’s like Sisyphus except with a tree instead of a rock
and chopping it down instead of pushing it up a hill

so the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
unless you wanna wake up on the moon
with nothing but a rabbit and a deranged lumberjack to keep you company
take it from me

THE END.

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Animals Give Questionable Advice in Arabia

Okay so there’s this merchant
(speaking of merchants DID YOU BUY A SHIRT YET?)
he’s got this sweet deal going on with Allah
where he gets to understand what animals are saying all the time
but if he tells anybody about it he dies
which honestly is about as good a deal as you can expect to get from any god anywhere
most of the time the deal is more like you get to have everything you love taken away
and if you complain about it you die

so already this merchant dude is pretty hooked up
but so then one day
this dude is hanging around some farm he owns
and he hears his bull talking to his butt
oh whoops sorry I meant ASS
so yeah the bull is like hey ass
why you get to live such a posh fucking life all the time
dudes all keepin’ your stable clean and feeding you gourmet ass-grass
you get pampered all the way down the red satin carpet to the infinity limo
you know what I get?
I get beat with STICKS
I wake up at FIVE AM
they put some wood shit on my neck
and they’re like OY
WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE FOR LIKE A MILLION HOURS
and if I don’t then they brutalize me with whips made out of the SKINS OF MY FAMILY
but at least after all that I get to sit down and have a fat meal right?
WRONG
I GET TO EAT DRY BEANS AND COWSHIT
IF WHAT I AM EATING IS ALREADY SHIT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHIT IT OUT
RIDDLE ME THAT DONKEY
RIDDLE ME THAT
and the donkey is like whoa dude chill out
you know what your problem is?
you’re an idiot
here’s what you do:
nothing
just sit on your distended belly and refuse to be a productive member of society
they’ll assume you’re sick and then BAM
PAID COW VACATION AHOY
and the cow is like whoa shit thanks man
and proceeds to do EXACTLY WHAT THE DONKEY TOLD HIM TO DO

here’s the problem
crafty ploys like this only work
when the person you are pranking has not OVERHEARD YOUR ENTIRE PLAN
so when the merchant gets wind of what’s going down
he’s just like no problem guys
just hook the donkey up to the plow and beat HIM with sticks
and so the following day
the donkey gets put through the most inhumane deathmarch possible
and he gets home in the evening like well thanks allah
thanks for this great fucking reward I get for giving my friend some advice
now I gotta fuck him over or live through my own personal trail of tears
so he’s like hey cow
COW
and the cow’s like oh shit sorry man
I couldn’t hear you over all this hedonistic pleasure I am indulging myself in
and the donkey is like dude I got the inside scoop
the merchant is totally gonna have you slaughtered if you don’t start being not sick
my advice is to immediately start prancing all the fuck everywhere
and the bull is like gee man you are so good at advice thank you so much
and proceeds to win the all around male cow’s breakdancing competition
in an attempt to convince everyone that he is super healthy and should not be killed
which of course causes the merchant to laugh his ass all the way off
and then his wife comes over like hey honey where’s your ass and why are you laughing
and he’s like HAHAHAHA OH MAN I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T TELL YOU
and his wife is like well fuck that
tell me
and the merchant is like HAHAHA NO IF I TELL YOU I’LL DIE
and his wife is like dude seriously not cool
what’s so funny
and the merchant is like no seriously
I heard some animals saying some really funny shit
but if I tell you what it was then Allah will kill me
that’s the deal
that’s the deal I made
and his wife is like i don’t give a fuck what kind of deal you made with Allah
you tell me that funny joke RIGHT NOW
note that it’s not that his wife doesn’t believe what he’s telling her
it’s just that she can’t be arsed to care
and the merchant starts freaking out
he’s like are you serious woman?
i just explained to you
I am going to die
i mean it was some pretty funny shit but it’s not like a matter of life and death
and his wife is like I DON’T EVEN GIVE HALF A FUCK
IF YOU DON’T TELL ME RIGHT NOW I AM REVOKING YOUR SEASON TICKETS TO MY MEAT CAVE
and the merchant is like well if that’s the way it’s gonna be
lemme just invite over all our relatives so I can draw up my will
before you force me to kill myself over this fucking joke i heard

so all their relatives come over
and by the way
they share a lot of relatives
seeing as they are cousins and that is totally cool and don’t even worry about it
and all the relatives are like LADY PLEASE RECONSIDER
IT’S JUST A FUCKING JOKE WHY ARE YOU SO COMMITTED TO THIS?
and the wife is like I LIVE ON A GODDAMN FARM
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A PRECIOUS COMMODITY JOKES ARE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD?
I HAVEN’T SEEN ANYONE SO MUCH AS SLIP ON A FUCKING BANANA PEEL IN LIKE A YEAR
and the merchant is like well alright
let’s go ahead and get this over with
but first I gotta go take a wicked dump in the outhouse
brb

so he’s sitting in the outhouse taking a shit
and outside he hears one of his dogs bust into the chicken coop
all like WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS MOURNING
OUR MASTER’S WRETCHED HARPY WIFE IS ABOUT TO FORCE HIM TO KILL HIMSELF
FOR NO GOOD REASON
and the rooster is like oh that?
bitch please
if that motherfucker can’t handle his one wife properly he deserves to die
look at me
I got fifty hoes IN THE SAME AREA CODE
FIFTY
and you know what else I got?
ninety-nine problems
NONE OF WHICH ARE AT ALL RELATED TO BITCHES
in fact you know what
I don’t even have any problems at all
my life is great
I rule this henhouse with an iron fist and get laid ceaselessly while doing it
and the dog is like shit man
what’s your secret
and the rooster is like two words:
merciless
beatings
and the merchant hears this and he’s like MERCILESS BEATINGS?
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT
IT’S PURE GENIUS
so he wipes his ass with a passing hen
grabs some branches off the local mulberry tree
and runs inside like HEY WIFE
COME INTO THIS PRIVATE ROOM SO I CAN TELL YOU MY SECRET IN PRIVATE PRIVATELY
and she’s like ok sure
and then he proceeds to BEAT HER VIOLENTLY FOR HOURS
like PRETTY FUNNY JOKE HUH?
HUH?
YEAH THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS
and his wife is like FUUUUCK I’M SORRY
I’LL NEVER ASK YOU ANY QUESTIONS EVER AGAIN
and the husband is like OH MAN AWESOME
FROM NOW ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY LIFE WILL BE PREDICATED ON RUTHLESS BEATINGS
THANKS, ROOSTER!

so the moral of the story is
is if you’re at your wit’s end and you don’t know what to do
ask your cock
and if you don’t have one then i’m sorry
but I really don’t think the authors of this myth had your well-being in mind

THE END

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Tam Lin is Really Good at Rape?

it’s been a while since anyone got raped on this website huh?
I mean I already did most of the good zeus myths
and apollo couldn’t get his dick through a football goalpost
granted those are pretty high off the ground
but he can FLY for fuck’s sake
NO EXCUSES

so with that in mind
today’s myth comes recommended by a couple of people
they are the hivemind known as LAYZARR “TERROR TARTAR” FISTBUMP
and this is their story:

so there’s this dude Tam Lin right
he hangs out in the forest near this castle
and the king of the castle is like HEY ALL THE LADIES
DON’T GO IN THAT FOREST
IF YOU GO INTO THAT FOREST ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:
1: TAM LIN WILL STEAL YOUR SHAWL
or 2: TAM LIN WILL RAPE THE HELL OUT OF YOU
so yeah
why the fuck would you even go into the forest anyway
all they got is trees and bearshit
oh yeah and shawl-stealing rapists

but the king has this daughter Janet
(SLUT!)
and she is like no way dad you’re not the boss of me
I’m gonna go into that forest
and I am going to thwart tam lin by stuffing my shawl up my kilt
HOW YOU GONNA STEAL MY SHAWL NOW TAM LIN HUH?
here’s a thought Janet
MAYBE HE WILL STEAL IT BY RAPING YOU
(as a side note
the ballad as written says that janet “kilts” the shawl
that alone makes me want to wear a kilt
just so i can kilt things)
i mean here’s what I don’t get
you’re going into the woods
knowing full well that there is a dude there who will steal your shawl
and if he can’t find the shawl he is going to rape you instead
so your brilliant defensive strategy is to HIDE THE SHAWL RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR VAG
thus virtually assuring hours and hours of molesting action
oh nevermind
i totally get it now

so janet goes into the forest and starts wantonly murdering roses
and KAZAAM
here comes Tam Lin like NAWW BITCH
TAKE YO HANDS OFF THOSE FLOWERS
and Janet is like fuck you I do what I want
and Tam Lin is like that’s funny so do i

CUT TO THE PALACE
so Janet comes home with a basket full of roses and a kilt full of rape
and the king is like OH NO DAUGHTER YOU’RE PREGNANT
and Janet is like FUCK DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten you that pregnancy radar for your birthday
and the king is like DAMMIT JANET
THAT’S A SIN
and Janet’s like no dad it’s fine
I’ll just get an abortion
and the king is like oh ok cool
and Janet is like time to go pick some abortion plants
but where might i find such plants
oh I know
how about in the forest haunted by a dude who rapes you every time you pick plants
HEAVEN FORBID
sorry dad looks like it’s the only way
seriously I’m pretty sure this was the inspiration for the rocky horror picture show

so Janet goes back into the forest
making sure to kilt the hell out of her shawl of course
and she starts picking morning-after glories and coathanger weeds or whatever
and here comes Tam Lin like SHAZAAM
BITCH I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL
PUT DOWN THAT COATHANGER WEED
and Janet’s like chill out dude
I just wanted to get your attention and your cell phone was dead
so who the fuck are you anyway?
and Tam Lin is like welp
basically I am this knight or something
but then faeries kidnapped me
and it’s been pretty sweet
except that tomorrow is halloween and that means they’re gonna kill me for no reason
and Janet is like FUCK
HOW DISTRESSING/CONVENIENT
HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS SO WE CAN BANG MORE?
and Tam Lin is like well basically
tomorrow night we are all gonna ride by on horses
you gotta grab me off my horse
then they are gonna turn me into some real dangerous shit
like a lion and some hot pans and stuff
then they are gonna run out of ideas and turn me into a naked dude
and Janet is like oh baby I can live with that
let’s DO IT
so they do it
then the next day they execute the plan
FLAWLESSLY
then they do it some more
and the faerie queen is like DAMMIT TAM LIN
IF I’D KNOWN YOU WERE PLANNING TO NOT GET MURDERED BY ME
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR EYES AND REPLACED THEM WITH TREES
YOU HEAR ME?
TREEEE EYESSSSSSSS
but Tam Lin cannot hear her over the sound of Janet’s tongue in his ear

so the moral of the story
is that being a slut is pretty much awesome

THE END

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Cows Sometimes Turn Into Bears in Finland

Thank you Sarah “Murder Salad” Crunkpunch
for reminding me about the Kalevala and all the delicious fuckery contained within
here we go:

so there’s this chick right
she’s the maiden of the rainbow
whatever that means
I guess she’s what the lucky charms guy keeps in his pot of gold
shit, I wouldn’t begrudge that guy a hot dame in a cauldron
dude puts up with hell EVERY DAY for the sake of some FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS
but anyway this rainbow lady is a huge bitch who doesn’t understand baking
she’s so bad at baking that she actually makes some bread for her cowherd
composed of 1 part tasty grain
ONE MILLION PARTS ROCKS
it’s basically just one big rock with a flaky crust
the cowherd actually tries to cut it with a magic knife
and the knife breaks
which to me implies that maybe he was ripped off on that magic knife
but to him implies that he needs to MURDER THE MAIDEN OF THE RAINBOW
so here’s how he does it
being a wizard and all
he just goes ahead and transmutes all the cows into WOLVES AND BEARS
then he makes the wolves and bears eat rainbow brite
hold on
he’s a WIZARD?
why didn’t he just turn that rockbread into regular bread
instead of turning a bunch of lameass cows
into a BADASS BRUTALITY FESTIVAL
hm
i think i answered my own question

anyway that chick goes down like a thousand clowns
a whole tiny carful
and that makes her husband
(Ilmarinen, blacksmith extraordinaire)
SUPER BUMMED
he is so bummed
that he decides to MAKE A NEW WIFE
SHUT UP THAT’S A LEGITIMATE STAGE IN THE GRIEVING PROCESS
IT GOES DENIAL
GUILT
BARGAINING
FUCK IT
MAGIC METAL WIFE

so yeah
he uses his blacksmith skills and his UNGODLY WEALTH
to try over and over again to build a hot chick
first he builds a lamb by accident
pretty easy mistake to make
so he melts down the lamb
chucks in some more gold
yells at his contractors
and BOOM
this time he makes a horse
so he’s like FUCK
stuffs it back in the forge
chucks in some adamantium and plutonium
and THIS TIME manages to come out of it with a hot chick
BOOSH
and obviously she’s magic and everything
so she moves around and has sex with him and stuff right?
WRONG
JUST A FUCKING STATUE BUDDY
JUST A SHINY BIG-TITTED MONUMENT TO YOUR BACHELORHOOD

but that doesn’t stop Ilmarinen from trying to get his bone on with her
he gets a bunch of teamsters to carry her into his bed
and then he piles on a FUCKTON of blankets
and he starts playing dick roulette with the statue lady
(dick roulette is where you close your eyes and poke your penis at something
and if it goes in YOU WIN
sometimes)
but the only thing Ilmarinen wins is a severe caste of cock frostbite
aka dickshivers
I hope you do not have much cause to use that term in your daily life
but if you do
you’re welcome to it
you poor bastard

so the next morning
while Ilmarinen is still busy
desperatly trying to unfreeze his foreskin from in between goldlady’s toes
he’s like dammit
this is not working
what now?
OH I KNOW
I’ll pawn this off on this lonely old guy I know
Wainamoinen
BRILLIANT

so Ilmarinen loads up his snowmobile
and he rolls on over to Wainamoinen’s crib and he’s like hey
brought you a goldwife
i mean my first wife was kinda sorta stolen from you so i figure I owe you
and Wainamoinen busts out of his front door like GOLDWIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME DICKSHIVERS OR SOMETHING?
FUCK THAT
and then he’s like oh wait
oh shit
you totally tried to fuck her didn’t you
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HEY EVERYBODY
COME OVER HERE
CHECK OUT THIS DOUCHEBAG WHO TRIED TO FUCK FREEZING JEWELRY
and Ilmarinen is like ok man I get it
I’ll go find a real wife
jeeze

so the moral of the story
is if you’re going to build a robot wife
move to Southern California
no dickshivers, no problem

THE END

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It was awesome being a poet in ancient Ireland

wow
so i was like 4AM last night and I was casting about for a myth to do
and I look at my bookshelf and WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
a book entitled ANCIENT IRISH TALES?
totally forgot I looted that off of someone’s table at burning man
so here goes some irish shit

okay so there’s this dude Niall right?
he’s pretty cool
he’s the king of all Ireland or whatever
he’s kind of homies with this dude Eochaid
and so Eochaid gets done partying at his house
for like DAYS
and sets off to walk back to is crib down south
but it’s more than a few blocks back to Eochaid’s crib
in fact it is DAYS AND DAYS
so Eochaid decides to take a quick break from one-manning it across a country
and hits up the castle of Laidcenn, Niall’s chief poet
seriously
chief poet
that was a fucking career option back in ancient Ireland
and you got paid in CASTLES
gonna go ahead and add 11th century Ireland to the list
the list of time periods that my parents unjustly failed to birth me into

so Eochaid rolls up to this castle
like YO
CHIEF POET
I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY COMMITTING POESIES OR WHATEVER
BUT CAN YOU HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A BITE TO EAT
and Laidcenn is like
GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HAIRY LASS
NO BITE YOU’LL EAT BUT OF MY ASS
so Eochaid walks home
hungry and kind of embarassed

alright guys
so you know how when someone denies your god-given right to crash at their place
so you leave
and come back later with your army
and burn down their house and kill their sons?
well then you must be irish
because this kind of shit apparently happens there ALL THE TIME
so yeah Eochaid is standing in the ruins of Laidcenn’s house
like BITE YOUR ASS HUH?
HOW ABOUT I BITE YOUR DEAD SON’S ASS?
HOW ABOUT THAT
and Laidcenn is like diude
i’m pretty sure that’s cannibalistic necropheliac child molestation
and Eochaid is like dude
we live in a world where burning down your house and killing your son is legal
i don’t think it is much of a stretch to assume i can also eat his corpse’s ass
and Laidcenn is like fair point
and Eochaid leaves

but that is not the last Eochaid hears of Laidcenn
because what Laidcenn proceeds to do
is lampoon the everloving FUCK out of Eochaid and all his dudes
he satirizes those fuckers so hard THEIR PLANTS STOP GROWING
okay no wonder this guy got a castle
his lyrics are so heart-cloggingly dense
that they are actually BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS
and then on top of that Niall decides to go raid Eochaid’s territory
and tells everyone he won’t leave until he gets Eochaid as a souvenir
so everyone is like fuck dude sorry
we like you
but we don’t like you enough to have Niall skullfuck our countryside forever
so Eochaid is delivered to Niall
and chained by the throat to a stone pillar
and then Niall sends nine dudes to stab him to death
and Eochaid is like well this isn’t any good
and proceeds to just lightly snap all the chains with his throat
then uses them to beat all nine dudes to death
Eochaid: not someone I would want to arm-wrestle

so Niall hears about this
and he rides all the way back down to Eochaid’s place
and he’s like seriously dude?
alright
new deal
we’re gonna keep skullfucking the countryside
until you come meet us by the river for as long as a cow is being milked
I guess because they didn’t have hourglasses in those days
but it’s okay because a cow is basically a living breathing hourglass
with edible sand
and edible glass too I guess
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

anyway Eochaid shows up at the river
with all his dudes
and he takes off all his weapons
and then Laidcenn shows up on the other side of the river
and just starts insulting the FUCK out of everyone
hurling weapons-grade burns across the river so hard that people’s faces are melting
and Eochaid is just like fuck this
takes a rock he kept tied to his belt
and throws it directly through Laidcenn’s skull
haha why did they try and tell this guy to put down all his weapons
all that is necessary for Eochaid to have a weapon
is for Eochaid to have ANY OBJECT AT ALL
but yeah Laidcenn dies
and they compose a quatrain in honor of his death
here it is, reproduced verbatim:

A champion’s handstone – tis well known – was hurled
Eochad son of Enna threw it at Laidcenn the son of Bairchid

that’s the kind of shit you churn out
when your chief poet just got hit in the head with a big rock
SOLID GOLD

so at this point Niall is just like fuck this
Eochaid
how about you’re just exiled
I’m done trying to talk to you or kill you or whatever
and Eochaid is like fair deal
so he goes and hits up his homie Erc
who is the son of Eochaid but maybe it is a different Eochaid

anyway meanwhile Niall earns is super rad nickname:
Niall of the Nine Hostages
because he takes hostages from basically everybody every place
he’s got five from ireland
one from scotland
one from the saxons
one from the britons
and one from the franks
basically no one is gonna fuck with him because then it’s shit city for the hostages

but Niall isn’t satisfied with nine hostages
pleasantly alliterative or not
he ain’t gonna stop til he’s got ALL THE HOSTAGES FOREVER
so he starts rollin on down towards italy
and he stops at the Alps
and Rome saves him the trouble by sending hostages to him
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ALPS
that’s right
Niall is such a rad hostage-taker
he is getting hostages via special delivery

but then the story diverges a little bit
some people say he died because he was busy showing his junk to some french chicks
who REALLY WANTED TO SEE HIS JUNK
which is pretty rad honestly
i’d be okay with dying of a nudity overdose in front of dong-hungry french ladies
but then there are other people who say that Eochaid showed up with more hostages
both Eochaids
or else they are the same Eochaid and just the one Eochaid showed up
I really don’t know
but either way
then Eochaid shoots Niall in the head with an arrow
marking the first time Eochaid ever killed anyone with an ACTUAL WEAPON
and then everyone is sad about it
and they fight like seven battles in front of the corpse
because hey
someone already opened up a fresh case of murder
it’d be a shame to let it go to waste
oh yeah and I guess some people are sad and they write poems about it

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care how many hostages you have
don’t piss off a guy who can kill flawlessly with any object at over 100 yards

THE END.

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Rabbits are Sadistic Bastards

Okay so here’s a good one
thanks to Monique “Katana Wombat” Brutalisk

so there’s this farmer
he’s got problems
these problems seem to have taken the shape of a raccoon fox
and two extraordinarily large testicles
that’s right
it’s tanuki time again guys
so this fucking tanuki is just robbing this farmer deaf dumb and blind
meticulously thieving the hell out of every vector of this dude’s estate
and so one day the farmer is like ok I’m done with this
and he digs a hole
and the Tanuki is like OH NO
HOLES
MY ONLY WEAKNESS
and falls in
and the farmer is like haha got you now bitch
gonna tie you to my ceiling and then go out hunting for the day
and tonight I am going to make you into SOUP
DELICIOUS

so the farmer ties that tanuki up
and gives his wife EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS not to let the it down
and then he goes out hunting
and the tanuki is like hm
how can I escape this predicament
OH MY GOD I’VE GOT IT
how about instead of having the farmer’s wife NOT let me down
I get her to
wait for it
LET ME DOWN
BRILLIANT
so he’s like hey farmer lady
let me down and I’ll totally do your chores for you
and the farmer lady is like SWEET DEAL
HAVE SOME FREEDOM
and the tanuki is like great thanks
and then beats the old lady to death with a wooden pestle
which is basically just a big splintery dildo
and then cuts her up and puts her in some soup
WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A TALE OF WACKY HIJINKS
WHY DID SHIT GO ALL JASON AND MEDEA ALL OF A SUDDEN

well anyway then the farmer comes home
and the Tanuki morphs into his wife
OBVIOUSLY
and is like hello husband I heard you like soup
so I put some tanuki in your soup so you could GET REVENGE WHILE YOU EAT SOUP
and the farmer is like EFFICIENT
BRING OUT THE SOUP
and the tanuki brings out the old lady soup
and then right before the farmer eats the soup the tanuki is all HAHA GOTCHA
YOUR WIFE IS IN THAT SOUP ACTUALLY
VROOM
and he runs away
and the farmer is like aww fuck
well at least he warned me before I ate any soup
kind of bad comic timing honestly
although now I gotta throw all this soup out
such a waste
jeeze
oh wait I mean I AM BLIND WITH RAGE
AAAAAA
and he is yelling so fucking loud that he wakes up the local talking rabbit
that is the problem that arises when you have huge ears
any dude in a 10 mile radius gets fucked over by a tanuki and you gotta hear about it
so the rabbit shows up at the farmer’s house like hey man
you seem pretty pissed
what’s up
and the farmer is like THAT TANUKI KILLED AND COOKED MY WIFE
WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE
and the rabbit is like shh shh
we are past fun-loving anime adventure my friend
now it is time for
FUCKED UP KOREAN REVENGE DRAMA
and the farmer is like ok I can go with that

so the rabbit goes out to fuck over the tanuki
he finds him hiding in his cave or wherever tanukis hide
and he’s like yo man
you look pretty shook up
wanna go pick grass with me way the hell out of town?
and the tanuki is like yeah man let’s get the fuck out of here
so they go out picking grass
way up on a mountaintop
no witnesses
and the rabbit pulls a silenced pistol out of his bag
while the tanuki is bent over sniffing flowers or pranking bees or something
but then he’s like no
too easy
so instead they both gather huge bundles of grass
and the rabbit lets the tanuki walk in front
and then he sets the tanuki’s grass on fire with his zippo
and the tanuki is like hey what’s that sound
and the rabbit is like nothing buddy
we’re just passing through the zippo mountains is all
crazy natural phenomena amirite?
and the tanuki is like yeah i guess
but then he starts to hear and smell fire
and he’s like hey what’s that
and the rabbit is like oh no worries dude
now we’re in the fire mountains
they’re right next to the zippo mountains
it’s pretty logical if you think about it
and the tanuki is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
MY BACK IS ON FIRE
WHY WOULD I EVER NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING IN MOUNTAINS CALLED THE FIRE MOUNTAINS
AAAAAAA

so the tanuki gets horrible third degree burns all over his back
and the rabbit is like gee man i dunno how this could have happened
lemme make it up to you
let me rub hot pepper sauce all over your wounds
and the tanuki is like that doesn’t sound like making it up to me AAHHHHHH
and the rabbit is like shhhh
shhhh
it’s okay
feel the burn
i’m totally doing medicine on you right now

but despite all of the rabbit’s fucked up efforts
the tanuki survives his wounds
he recovers
maybe hot pepper sauce actually IS a cure for burns
probably not though
anyway the rabbit is like fuck
now I gotta kill him in a DIFFERENT way
so he goes back to the tanuki’s place and he’s like hey bro
how’s it going
and the Tanuki is like fairly shitty but I’m still alive I guess
and the rabbit is like that’s cool that’s cool
listen dude I’ve been getting really into fishing lately
even though I am a rabbit and rabbits are pretty much vegetarians
i dunno I guess I just like torturing and killing shit
so uh
wanna come with?
and the Tanuki is like DO I?
YES

so they go fishing
and the rabbit has prepared two boats
one is made of wood
the other one is made of clay
the rabbit takes the wooden one and gives the clay one to the tanuki
and the tanuki
who knows fuck all about boats
is like SWEET
FREE BOAT
LET’S GO FISHING
and the rabbit is like I’LL RACE YOU TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON
FRIENDLY TALKING ANIMALS RACING IN A LAKE
I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE AFTER ALL
oh no wait looks like the tanuki’s boat disintegrated
now he is drowning in the middle of the lake
and he is like RABBIT
BUDDY
HELP ME OUT HERE
and the rabbit looks at him
with those fucked up beady red rabbit eyes
and he’s like

no.

and the tanuki drowns to death
and then the rabbit goes back to the farmer and he’s like hey man
problem solved
and the farmer is like sweet
now I can sleep at night
and the rabbit is like if you ever need anyone else tortured or killed hit me up
i think i kinda got a taste for this shit now
and the farmer is like i’m good for now thanks
but you’re welcome to live in my house if you want
so they live together happily ever after
until the rabbit’s trigger finger gets itchy and he turns the farmer into meatloaf

so the moral of the story
is don’t fuck with rabbits
in fact
don’t fuck with anyone because rabbits might find out

THE END

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Abu Nowas has Big Balls

Wow
Thank you Vanya “Terror-Talons” Tarantula
for introducing me to the shitfarce that is Tunisian folklore
here goes history’s first recorded instance
of a wacky TV sitcom

so there’s this guy Abu Nowas right?
he’s got a wife
OH WHOOPS NO SHE DIED
WHAT NOW ASSHOLE?
well apparently Abu Nowas opted for the extended warranty on wives
because the next thing he does is show up to the sultan’s house
and be like hey dude my wife died
and the sultan’s like WELL SHIT SON
WE GOTTA GET YOU A NEW ONE
MY WIFE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A REPLACEMENT WIFE FREE OF CHARGE
which begs the question
who is in charge of providing the sultan with a replacement wife?
sounds like everybody is shit out of luck if the sultana blows a fuse

but for now everything is fine
the Sultana shows up in the sultan’s justice room like yo what up husband
and the Sultan is like this dude’s wife died
and the Sultana is like oh damn
good thing I’ve been saving a replacement wife for just such an occasion
HEY GIRL GET OUT HERE
so this chick comes out
and she is bo-damn-diculous
chick-a-licious
frot-tacular
and the Sultana is like girl there is this dude here who wants to marry you
by the way he is the king’s jester so-
and the girl’s like I’LL DO IT
JESTERS ARE SO HOT OH MY GOD
god dammit
why are all the women who think juggling is sexy trapped in ancient Tunisia
and not like my house or something
wait that came out wrong
sexy juggle-loving ladies I do not want to trap you in my house
first of all it is an apartment not a house
but I mean you are welcome to drop by if you like

ANYWAY SO THEY GET MARRIED
and the sultan tops it all off with a 1,000 dollar wedding prize
except the money he’s using is better than dollars
think of it like one thousand MEGADOLLARS
and one thousand megadollars is basically like fuck-you money in ancient tunisia
so Abu Nowas and his replacement wife spend like a year
getting into hot tubs and trouble in equal measure
at one point I am pretty sure they buy huge noses from a plastic surgeon
and then fill a gatling gun with cocaine and just go to town
it’s a party festival
on top of a hootenanny stuffed with soirees
battered in shindigs and deep fried in bacon grease
but then their money gun runs out
pretty soon they go from picking their favorite flavor of caviar-plated space lobster
to deliriously trying to remember what food tastes like
and Abu Nowas is like fuck this we gotta get more money
ain’t no way i’m going back to juggling after twelve months in a cocaine blizzard
only one option
WIFE
GO TO THE SULTANA AND ASK HER FOR MORE MONEY
and his wife is like no you
and Abu Nowas is like fine ok

so he goes to the Sultan’s place
but before he goes inside
he maces himself right in the face
so he busts into the justice room pissing out his eyesockets
like WAAH WAAH MY WIFE DIED
and the sultan is like shit happens
I mean she was just a replacement wife
pretty expendable
and Abu Nowas is like fuck I guess I forgot to buy the warranty on my wife this time
fuck it I gotta stick with the plan
so he’s like
BOO HOO HOO I’M TOO POOR TO BURY HER
and the Sultan’s like what happened to the money I gave you?
and Abu Nowas is like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultan’s like well
I guess I appreciate your honesty?
here’s a hundred megadollars

so then Abu Nowas gets back home and he’s like hey wife I have us some drug money
but it’s not nearly enough
this is only enough to buy maybe like
a medium sized dumptruck full of cocaine
and his wife is like well we can’t have that
and Abu nowas is like exactly
so what I want you to do is go to the Sultana and ask HER for money
and his wife is like fair enough

so she goes to the Sultana’s place
and she’s all like WAAAAAAH MY HUSBAND DIED AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO BURY HIM
and the Sultana is like girl what happened to that thousand megadollars
and she’s like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultana is like aw man I’m sorry honey
here’s TWO HUNDRED MEGADOLLARS

so then the wife goes back to Abu Nowas’ house
like hey man I got double what you got
and Abu Nowas is like EXCELLENT
this money will support our unreasonable lifestyle for at least another week
meanwhile the Sultan and the Sultana will be NONE THE WISER

MEANWHILE AT THE SULTANA’S PLACE
the Sultan gets done with a long day of justice
and heads over for a little bit of after-work hunga-junga with the Sultana
and the Sultana is like hey husband have you heard
Abu Nowas is dead
and the Sultan is like uh no
wrong
his wife is dead
and the Sultana is like naw dude I saw his wife like an hour ago
and the Sultan is like woman do I need to send away a coupon for a replacement wife?
and the Sultana is like fine
send your doorman to go check Abu Nowas’ house
we’ll see who’s right

WOW
SO NOWHERE IN THAT EXCHANGE
WAS A DISCUSSION OF HOW MAYBE ABU NOWAS IS A FUCKING CONMAN
OK COOL WHATEVER

so Abu Nowas and his wife are building a snowman out of cocaine in their living room
and all of a sudden they see the doorman coming up to the house
and Abu Nowas is like QUICK
WIFE
PRETEND TO BE DEAD
I WILL CRY AT YOU
and then the doorman comes in and Abu Nowas is like BOO HOO HOO LOOK AT MY DEAD WIFE
and the doorman is like yup
dead alright
i’ll go tell the Sultan

so the doorman goes back and the Sultana is like BULLSHIT
HEY CHAMBERLAIN
GO FIND OUT WHO’S REALLY DEAD
IF YOU GIVE ME THE WRONG ANSWER I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED
so the chamberlain goes

so Abu Nowas and his wife have just finished inhaling the cocaine snowman
when they see the chamberlain outside
and Abu Nowas is like OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DOUBLEDAMN
NOW IT’S MY TURN TO BE DEAD
so he drops dead on the spot
and then the chamberlain comes in like yo what’s up
and the wife is like MY HUSBAND IS DEFINITELY DEAD
and the chamberlain is like YOU GOT THAT RIGHT
I’LL GO TELL THE SULTANA

so then the chamberlain goes back to the palace
and the Sultan is like 2X BULLSHIT COMBO
ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS
WE GOTTA GO SEE FOR OURSELVES

so now Abu Nowas is frantically pacing back and forth in his cocaine-strewn foyer
it ain’t like he’s gonna be sleeping anyway
and he sees the carriage coming up to the house
all chock full o’ problems
and he’s like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
THEY’RE BOTH HERE
WE GOTTA BOTH BE DEAD NOW
so they both go and play dead in the front room
and the Sultan busts in with his wife like HELLO
and he is greeted by a front room full of 2 dead bodies
several snowdrifts of cocaine
and a tophat that once belonged to some kind of snowman
and he’s like OKAY I WILL GIVE 1,000 MEGADOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN THIS SHIT
and Abu Nowas jumps up like ME ME ME PICK ME OH SHIT PICK ME
and the King looks at him for a second
and then puts his hands on his hips
and goes OHHHH ABU NOWAS YOU ARE THE UTTER END
and everyone laughs and the credits roll
and the sultan then proceeds to GIVE ABU NOWAS THE THOUSAND MEGADOLLARS

so there you have it my friends
hundreds of years ago
halfway across the world
the Tunisians predicted exactly what would happen during the financial crisis

THE END.

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