The Miller is one Drunk Motherfucker

This is what happens when I get an extra day off, guys
I have time to read ten pages of middle fucking english
and bring you this:
enjoy

Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE

so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb
and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs
like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss
if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

THE END.

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Okay so there’s some dudes right
they’re in england and they hate it and I don’t blame them
England sucks
happy america day assholes
So then they leave in some boats
and they go hit up amsterdam
because they hear that is where they grow the good weed
but then their kids start to do really terrible shit
like learn dutch
and maybe not be super christian all the time?
and no amount of good weed is worth that
so they get on some MORE boats
called the Mayflower and the Speedwell
and they sail to AMERICA
except apparently some smartass decided to name the speedwell ironically
and it is actually a slow as shit loserbarge
and it has to go home early and miss the america party
except it turns out that the america party is actually a really shitty party
because step one of the party is wait on a boat for FUCKING EVER
getting hungry and perpetually seasick
but at least someone has the good sense to poop out a baby
which they name OCEANUS
which is OBJECTIVELY RAD
but that is just about the only objectively rad thing in this whole story
because when they show up in America it is ULTRA WINTER
like if winter were to take steroids and then craft for itself a robot ice suit
and team up with mister freeze to spew catchphrases and ice beams
all over this damn country
and see they were kind of hoping to find some like
good wholesome christian white folks
in gated communities with supermarkets and bowling alleys
and instead they get SKULLFUCK RUTHLESS WINTER
ALL DAY
ALL THE TIME
ALSO ALL NIGHT
and a ton of people die
because that’s what winter is all about

but some people survive the winter
including BRAVE CAPTAIN MILES STANDISH
and he goes out and finds him some Indians
because remember
everyone still thinks they’re in india I guess?
and one of the indians is I guess named Squanto
and that indian teaches all the white dudes to plant CORN and BARLEY
and the white dudes are like THANK YOU KIND INDIAN
WE WILL DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS SOLID YOU HAVE DONE US
AND PAY YOU BACK IN KIND FOREVER AND EVER
and then later all the crops sprout
and the white dudes go into the forest and shoot like A THOUSAND turkeys
also some deers
and then they cut them all open and invite EVERYBODY
and all the indians show up and bring crazy foreign shit to eat
and everyone is so super jazzed about all this food
that they do not stop partying for THREE DAYS
and there are NINETY DUDES
and HOLY CRAP THAT IS A PARTY
and then the party is over and the white dudes are like okay guys that was great
but we’re totally killing you now
you know
for your land
and the indians are like haha joke’s on you
you can’t kill us if we DIE OF SMALLPOX FIRST
and then everyone decides to relive this momentous occasion yearly
on an arbitrary thursday
by producing more food than they can possibly consume
and then goading each other into eating it
also: Families!

so the moral of the story
is next time you wanna have a party
but you are worried that you do not have a good enough reason
maybe just
have a party
seriously
your reasoning can’t be any worse than these pilgrim dudes

THE END.

(I actually really like thanksgiving though)

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This is why I’m not friends with any ants

Okay so grasshoppers, right?

this story has one of them
also one ant
also more ants
it is called
THE STORY OF THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT(s)
(haha
i almost typed “asshopper and the grant”
hehe butts)

so anyway, this grasshopper
he’s hopping the fuck out of some grass
but other than that he’s pretty much being worthless
just hangin’ around with his little grasshopper dick in his hands
doin’ nothing
and meanwhile
here comes this ant
lugging a WHOLE ENTIRE EAR OF CORN
which is a lot of corn for such a tiny ant
and the grasshopper is like hey ant
where are you going with all that corn
it looks heavy
how about instead of that you come have a party with me
we can get fucked up and watch this grass grow
I have been hopping all over it all day and let me tell you my friend
this is some primo grass we got going on
and the ant is like dude
I ain’t got time for that shit
I am hauling this corn back to antsville
where we will store it for winter
so that we can distill it into ant-ethanol
to power our ant cars
also for food
and the grasshopper is like BOOOOOOOO-RINNNNNGGGGGG
dude that is so boring
I think i just had a snoregasm
HEYOOOOO
and then he goes to the liquor store and buys like nine 4locos
and wakes up with his face halfway through a hooker and it’s winter now
and he’s like HOLY SHIT
IT’S WINTER
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET FOOD
OH I KNOW
I’LL GO ASK MY BUDDY THE ANT
but when he gets to antsville
all the ants just roll up the windows of their ant cars as they drive by
and shake their smug little ant heads
and then the grasshopper dies and trees eat his frozen corpse

So the moral of the story
is it may seem like a good idea to make industrious friends
so you can mooch off them later
but actually it is probably better to just make friends who are as lazy as you
because then when winter comes
maybe they will die first and you can eat them

THE END.

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Cipactli

Scimitar Fawkes brings you this little gem
straight out of AZTECLAND
which is not a real place anymore
because it got blown up by progress
progress and diseases
but anyway yeah it’s about where the world comes from

so I know what you’re thinking
BUT OVID WE ALREADY HEARD THE AZTEC CREATION MYTH LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO
first of all
none of you were alive a million years ago
second of all
that was the MAYAN creation myth so shut up
and third of all
this is basically like the PREQUEL to that creation myth
so it’s like the creation myth
OF THE CREATION MYTH
OOHHHHH SHITTTTT

so basically there’s this raging bisexual god called Ometecuhtli/Omecihuatl
which i am looking forward to never typing again ever in my whole life
and what he/she does
is fuck the shit out of him/herself
and have four godbabies
one for each of the cardinal directions
Their names are really long and full of consonants
as you might expect
so the only one I’m gonna bother to name is Tezcatlipoca
LORD OF THE NIGHT SKY
because (SPOILER ALERT) he gets dismembered later
But so the gods get created
and they immediately start doing the one thing gods are good at
which is creating things
but see here’s the problem:
one of the things they create is a limitless world crocodile called Cipactli
with mouths at every single joint of its motherfucking body
and this is basically the worst possible thing to have around
when you are trying to create other things
especially when you haven’t actually made a place to put any of the stuff you made
so it all just falls into the ocean
where it is immediately devoured by A MILLION ANGRY CROCODILE MOUTHS
and I mean
I think we can all agree that this is pretty sweet
but like most totally sweet things
it is also EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT
so finally all the gods are just like fuck this
we’re tearing this motherfucker UP
and luckily they are all already situated at the cardinal directions
so they each just grab a corner of this gatorbeast and START PULLIN’
but guys
I think you may recall
that this gatorbeast is MADE OF MOUTHS
and Tezcatlipoca’s foot ends up inside of one of those
and then it gets eaten
and Tezcatlipoca is like ow fuck
but it’s okay because then they rip that gator to shreds
and turn it into the world
yep
turns out the world is made up of balled up hateful crocodile mouths
which makes sense you see
because according to this myth
that is why the earth CONSTANTLY HUNGERS FOR BLOOD AND HEARTS
I didn’t know that was a thing the earth did
but now that I know about the whole crocodile thing
I guess I can’t see it any other way

so then after that comes the part we already heard about
with the numerous worlds getting blown up and shit
and then after that a lot of other stuff happens
like dudes show up with fire and corn and other nonsense
and then finally they get bored and they make the sun
which is yet another huge mass of dangerous stuff
and it is so dangerous
that the only way to jump-start it
is for all the gods to MURDER THEMSELVES AND THROW THEIR BODIES INTO IT
so yeah
all the gods are dead
they got eaten by a pissed off sun
and guess what else, guys
it looks like the sun ALSO hungers insatiably for blood and hearts
so uh
I hope you guys brought blood and hearts?

so the moral of the story
is if your whole world is made of furious crocodiles and the sun is a vampire
maybe you need a new religion

THE END

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In Which The Color Of This Dude’s Beard Is Not Actually Very Important

Yes guys it is after midnight
but guess what
I party HARD
so it’s still thursday in Ovidland
welcome to my world bitches
it is only slightly different from the world you are used to

anyway I owe today’s myth to the deft suggestion of swashbucking demolitions expert
CARLOS Q EXPLOSIONS
(the Q is for QUEXPLOSIONS)
it is about proper hair care

So Bluebeard right?

Turns out this dude is not a pirate at all
he’s just a really ugly dude
who thinks he’s punk rock just cause he put some dye in his beard
what’s more
this guy SUCKS at being married
he’s gone through seven wives like rolls of 1-ply toilet paper
by which i mean they all died
for no reason anyone can fathom
smallpox or hockey lung or the kissing virus or something
and now he’s coming up on number 8
but see here’s the problem:
he’s real ugly
we already covered this
but bluebeard has developed a foolproof strategy for picking up chicks
it is called being wealthy
so what he does is he just picks some chicks he’s into
and invites them to a crazy week-long coke party at his beach house
and at the end of that week he can just marry whoever the fuck he wants

SO HE DOES
he marries this one chick
and her sister gets to come live in the palace too
it’s awesome
and what makes it even more awesome
is after like a week of honeymooning
bluebeard is just like hey baby I’m going out of town for a while on business
here are all the keys to every room in my house
also my money vault and my gold hovercraft
have a party
have a thousand parties
but WHATEVER YOU DO
don’t use this key right here
see the one I’m pointing at?
this one
this one right here
don’t use it to unlock the closet on the second floor in the ballroom
the one with the do not open sign and the picture of the angry skull and crossbones
got it?
great
so I’m just going to leave all those keys with you now
and nothing bad will happen at all
toodles

so he leaves
and his wife indeed throws all the parties
she is chucking shindigs harder than a coke-addicted discus thrower
she is hurling hootenanies out of the goddamn windows so hard they shatter
and the razor sharp soiree shards cause the guests countless lacerations
but it’s okay
because they are pretty much just bleeding pure alcohol at that point anyway
but the whole time that these parties are going down
this chick can’t stop thinking about that fucking shitty door
and finally she’s just like ok whatever
I’m pretty fucked up right now and I can’t be held responsible for what i do
and I mean
he GAVE me the fucking key
what the hell did he think was going to happen
so she opens up the door and goes inside and OH FUCK WHAT IS THIS
i’ll tell you what it is
it is all of bluebeard’s DEAD EX-WIVES
HE MURDERED THEM AND PUT THEM IN A CLOSET
AND KEPT THEM THERE FOR YEARS PROBABLY
THEY MUST BE GETTING PRETTY RIPE BY NOW
NOT THAT IT MATTERS
BECAUSE REALLY THE MAIN PROBLEM IS JUST THAT HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF MURDER
I DON’T CARE HOW MINTY FRESH YOUR MURDERCLOSET SMELLS
IT IS STILL A GODDAMN MURDERCLOSET
THESE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY

so obviously this chick just flips the fuck out
and in true horror movie fashion
she proceeds to drop the whole ring of keys and get it all covered in blood
and then she picks it up and GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE KEY TO THIS ROOM WAS ENCHANTED
SO THAT BLOOD WILL NEVER WASH OUT OF IT
and let me just say
that that is a TERRIBLE enchantment to put on the key to your bloodroom
but in this case it turns out to be pretty shrewd
because when Bluebeard gets home like a day later
he’s like WOMAN
WHY IS THERE BLOOD ON MY KEY
DID YOU GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
NOW I HAVE TO PUT YOU IN THE BLOOD ROOM AGAIN
ONLY THIS TIME
WITH MORE BLOOD
and she’s like no wait
you can totally kill me for real
but just give me like 10 minutes of not dying
trust me it totally won’t backfire at all
and Bluebeard is like well alright
(PS I just mistyped Bluebeard as Bluebear and I think it is much better that way)

so she runs upstairs and finds her sister
and she’s like hey sister
yo sister
and her sister is like yeah?
and she’s like look out the window for me real quick
tell me if our bros are coming
I totally sent them an email yesterday about how my husband is gonna kill me
but I didn’t get a response so I dunno what’s up
and her sister is like nope
all I see is some grass
and some dust
and some OH WAIT
no, sorry, just some sheep
and then instead of coming up with some other plan for not dying
the lazy twank just keeps sitting there asking her sister about the window
until finally bluebeard is like ALRIGHT HONEY
TIME TO DIE
and she’s like NO NO GIMME LIKE 5 MORE SECONDS
and Bluebeard is like LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING WOMAN
MURDER DOES NOT HAVE A SNOOZE ALARM
and he’s totally about to stab her face off
when all of a sudden her two radical bros bust down the door
they are a dragoon and like a space wizard or something
and they kill the hell out of bluebeard
and then his wife inherits all his stuff and uses it to buy a diamond horse
and also a husband for her sister and some sweet new wizard boots for her bros
so everyone is happy except for bluebeard
who is dead
but honestly I don’t think that dude was ever happy

So the moral of the story
is that marrying dangerous psychopaths
is a great way to get rich quick

the end.

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Good News/Bad News

Okay so bad news first:

no myth today guys
I am sorry I am so sorry
if you could see me you would see that I am throwing myself against my hardwood floor
rending my breast and smearing my face with ash
my excuse is that last night I played a game of my own invention
called let’s see how long I can not sleep so I can finish this short story for class
the good news is I won the game
but that is not the only good news my friends
no no no

see recently I have been laughing my fucking ass off
because all these people have been being like DUDE YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK
I WOULD TOTALLY BUY THAT BOOK
and the whole time people have been yelling that at me
I have totally been negotiating a book deal
with the ladies and dudes over at Perigee Books
and right now I am holding the contract in my hands
well I mean not right now right now because I need my hands to type
but the contract is definitely nearby
sometimes I look at it and I lick my lips

so here’s how this is gonna go down
this book is gonna have approximately 75-80 of the choicest myths from this website,
digitaly remastered with my veteran typing fingers
plus like 25-30 brand new never before seen ultramyths
and also bonus content
in the form of a sweet funky index
Retellings of Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with a Thousand Faces” and The Big Bang
and optimally rad illustrations by artiste extraordinaire Sarah Melville
who is the classy lady
who is responsible for anything on this website that doesn’t look like utter shit

but one more thing
and I guess this kind of qualifies as bad news
cause see in order to have time to make this book and still do grad school and shit
I am going to be TEMPORARILY going from 3 updates a week down to 2
instead of being Tuesday Thursday Saturday like normal
it is going to be just Tuesday/Thursday
(this week it will be thursday saturday though because I wussed out today)
I am very very tired and I need a little bit of a break
at least as much of a break as a guy can take
while writing a book and going to grad school
but I assure you, ladies and gentlemen
this new wussified schedule will NOT LAST BEYOND APRIL 2012
which is when the manuscript is due
and maybe less time than that depending on my progress on the book
anyway yeah that’s what’s up
I figured i should give you guys a heads up
so that you could reschedule your entire lives around my new update schedule
so uh
get on that

PS you guys are pretty much the best ever
getting emails from you and reading comments and all that
and really just knowing that this wacky bullshit I spew is getting read
is responsible for like 80% of my daily value of sunshine and unicorn smiles
so basically thank you for putting up with me
there will be more boners and swears on Thursday I promise

Love,
Ovidius Publius Naso

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Yes, They Have Lumberjacks in Vietnam

Today’s myth
goes out to the much-maligned sister
of notorious serial killer Kratos “The March Mangler” October
apparently said sister is having a birthday
and likes fucked up shit
so here is a story about the pharmaceutical industry

so this story is about a lumberjack
his name is cuoi
which is not a super badass name for a lumberjack
but we will let it slide
because the first thing that happens in this story
is Cuoi is wandering through the woods
and he kills FOUR LIONS
FOUR
THIS IS THE KIND OF BEHAVIOR YOU COME TO EXPECT FROM LUMBERJACKS
oh shit wait they’re actually just cubs
NEVERMIND
way to go pusspants mcgee
way to kill babies with an axe

but Cuoi gets his comeuppance for this dickery
because suddenly HERE COMES MOMMA LION
like ROARR FUCK YOU
and Cuoi runs his ass up a tree and hides
so momma lion gets bored and kind of pokes her childrens’ corpses a little bit
doesn’t seem too upset
and then goes over to some weird bush
chews it up
and vomits it into all her kids’ mouths
AND THEY PROCEED TO COME BACK TO LIFE

so Cuoi is up in his tree like SWEET WIGGITY WIZARDS
THAT MUST BE THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE RESTORATION HEALING TREE
I’M RICH
and he waits for the momma lion to leave with her zombie kids
and then he jumps down and digs up the tree

but on his way home he trips over some dude’s dead body
and he’s like oh snap
what a perfect opportunity to use this tree I stole
so he chews up some leaves and vomits them into the old guy’s mouth
and then the old guy wakes up like SHIT YESSSSS
I HAD NOT LIVED NEEDLESSLY LONG ENOUGH
THANK YOU SIR YOU ARE PRETTY COOL
OH WHAT IS THIS IS IT THE HERBAL TREE OF LIFE HERBS RESTORATIVE LIFE LIFE HEALING?
DUDE YOU ARE A PRETTY LUCKY GUY
JUST MAKE SURE NOT TO WATER IT WITH DIRTY WATER
OR IT WILL BLAST OFF INTO SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
and Cuoi is like okay crazy old dude
that sounds just about as reasonable as everything else

so Cuoi gets home
plants his tree
waters it with crystal clear spring water
and becomes INSTANTLY FAMOUS
i mean he is a dude who owns a tree that is basically a big leafy wang
dangling in the face of death
repeatedly slapping death’s nose and then jiggling a little
word is bound to get around
and things are going pretty well for Cuoi
he resurrects a dog
and boom
free dog
he resurrects a chick
and boom
free wife
Cuoi’s circle of friends
is limited only by the number of bodies he can dig up at the local mortuary

but then shit turns sour
and not in the way you are probably thinking
no, the world does not become overrun with old dudes who refuse to die
like in that Kurt Vonnegut story
where they all live in these tiny apartment complexes and I think eat each other
No instead what happens
is it turns out that that free wife Cuoi got hooked up with
actually already had a whole buttload of wealthy suitors
and they are a little miffed that Cuoi has suddenly stolen their prized booty
so what they do is they wait til Cuoi is out in the woods
and they all ambush his wife like HEY GURL WE GOT RICHES BUT WE ARE LACKING BITCHES
PERHAPS YOU COULD RECTIFY THIS DEFECIT
and Cuoi’s wife is like ew no guys
go away
so they kill her
OBVIOUSLY
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN PEOPLE DON’T WANNA MARRY YOU
this kind of begs the question
in a world where anyone who dies can be immediately revived with tree shit
does murder suddenly become less of a thing?
is it the kind of thing where like
somebody beats you at chess
or gives you incorrect change at 7-11
and suddenly it is blood city and you are the mayor
yes
I think that is exactly what it’s like

but so anyway these dudes get done killing this chick and they’re like oh shit
we just killed the wife of the guy who can RESURRECT PEOPLE
we have effectively accomplished NOTHING AT ALL
but wait
what if we just sort of
sprinkle her intestines everywhere
make a scavenger hunt out of her internal organs
no way can she get revived without all those things
ULTIMATE SUCCESS

so these jerks leave the wife’s disembowelled body by the river
and they all go home
and then Cuoi shows up like oh hey my wife’s dead
guess I better just revive WHERE THE FUCK ARE HER ORGANS
DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT KEEPING YOUR ORGANS INSIDE YOUR BODY
THIS IS A DISASTER
but actually it’s okay
because his dog is like hey Cuoi you should totally disembowel me
and use my crazy dog organs to revive your wife
except dogs can’t talk
so really what the dog said was WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and Cuoi was like KILL YOU AND USE YOUR ORGANS YOU SAY?
DON’T MIND IF I DO
and then he cuts open his dog and stuffs its lungs inside his dead wife

so then his wife comes back to life
apparently the tree cannot tell the difference between dog lungs and human lungs
and then Cuoi feels bad about the whole dog thing
so he makes some replacement dog lungs out of clay
and stuffs them in his dog
and APPARENTLY THAT WORKS
so now Cuoi is surrounded by a shambling charnel-house
that vaguely resembles his loved ones
and he’s like SWEET
PROBLEM SOLVED FOREVER

except no
problem not solved at all
because it turns out that a chest full of dog lungs
makes you terminally unable to follow directions
case in point:
Cuoi keeps telling his wife that if she needs to take a piss
she should do it on the west side of the house
as far away from the magic tree as possible
the magic tree that is not supposed to be watered with dirty water
and which has resurrected this woman not once but TWO FUCKING TIMES
and what does she do?
she goes over to the east side of the house
pops a suat
and PISSES DIRECTLY ON THE HERBAL TREE OF TREE HERBS HEALTH HEALING RESURRECTION HERB

so Cuoi is inside the house
doing whatever it is lumberjacks do when they’re not jacking lumber
and suddenly there’s this HUGE EARTHQUAKE
and he runs outside to find ALL HIS PLANTS BLASTING OFF INTO SPACE
and his wife is standing with her pants around her ankles looking FURIOUS
and Cuoi is like WOMAN I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR FURY I HAVE A TREE TO CATCH
and he runs up to the tree
which is just now exploding out of the garden
and he hooks his axe to it
and just flies STRAIGHT TO THE GODDAMN MOON
and I guess he’s still there
you can see him if you squint
and apparently one leaf falls off that tree towards earth every year
but it always either gets burned up in the atmosphere or stolen by dolphins
because I sure as shit haven’t seen any immortality leaves around lately

so the moral of the story
is don’t put a dog in your wife
or you wife will put you in the dog house
ha HA

the end.

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Durga = Voltron

Okay so check it out

back in india land back in the day
there was this bigass demon called Mahish
he is a buffalo demon
which is apparently a pretty potent kind of demon
because he is invincible
and he has an army of like a million other demons
I had no idea
although I guess that explains why buffalo wings are SO GODDAMN delicious

but so all the gods are pretty upset about this
because you gotta understand guys
demons are to the hindu gods
as giants are to the norse
they simply cannot abide all these demons up in here
it is like how you feel when you have ants in your house
except the ants are as big as you and they shoot fire out of their eyes
it is actually pretty easy to sympathize with these hindu gods

but so like I said Mahish is impossible to kill
so the gods are like oh shit what do we do
and then Shiva is like whoa whoa whoa i have a great idea
how about we all put our heads together and beat this thing
and the other gods are like that’s what we’re doing already
and shiva is like no dude
like actually put our heads together
like cut our heads off and fucking glue them to each other
make a big boomerang out of heads
and just throw it at him and we can yell insults at the same time
and everyone is like okay
while that sounds like a great idea
maybe we should try to use parts of our bodies other than our heads
so what they do
is they take six of Vishnu’s arms
glue them to two of Brahma’s feet
and staple that octo-nonsense to SHIVA’S FACE
and the resulting Megazord of Ultimate Badassery
is named Durga
which means
INVINCIBLE

so durga floats on down from space
or wherever it is that gods live
let’s call it space
and she lands right in front of Bison Oshaugnessy
and his army of demon hipster chicks
and she’s like hey Bison
what’s good
you should take stock now of what is good
because soon
nothing will be good
nothing at all
and the Bison is like OH YEAH?
BITCH I AM INVINCIBLE
HAVEN’T YOU HEARD
I AM SO INVINCIBLE
THAT I WENT TO A COMEDY CLUB
TALKED FOR THIRTY MINUTES ABOUT MY CAT
AND I COULDN’T EVEN DIE ON STAGE
and durga is like uh
you keep tootin’ your demon horn over there bison buddy
I’m gonna go grab a glass of milk and you can call me when you’re done
oh are you done?
okay well uh
BITCH YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ACTIVATE THE NEURONS
NECESSARY TO COMMUNICATE TO YOUR LEG-MUSCLES
THAT THEY MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER
THE PREPARATORY STAGES
OF ATTEMPTING
TO STEP TO ME
OH LOOK AT YOU
ALL INVINCIBLE AND SHIT
SON WHILE YOU WERE BUSY APPENDING INVINCIBILITY TO YOURSELF AS A FUCKING ADJECTIVE
I WENT AHEAD AND MADE IT A PROPER NOUN
AND THEN USED IT AS MY
GOD
DAMN
NAME
WHAT NOW
COME ON
WHAT
and Mahish doesn’t say shit
because just looking at all of durga’s arms gave him an aneurism and he died

so the moral of the story
is that two heads are better than one
especially when those two heads are welded to a whole bunch of pissed-off arms

The end.

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RAPEHAZARD

Now I know what you are thinking guys
and no
rapehazard is not the name of my new sludgecore speed metal band
it is the name of this post
because this post is about a rape hazard

okay so there’s this dude Aesacus
he’s kind of a hermit sort of
except his beard is not long enough
he is pretty young and his mom is a nymph
and also he is bros with Hector from the Iliad
so he is not really very much like a hermit at all
more like a feral fairy forest dude
who hangs out in the forest all the time gettin’ his lonely on

but apparently this particular forest is a pretty hip spot
because lately Aesacus has been catching glimpses of this MECHA HOT-CHICK
named Hesperia
I thought this myth was going to have something to do
with the golden apples of the Hesperides
but boy what I wrong
and if you thought that
you were also wrong
what
did you think you were special
did you think you got to just believe wrong things and have them not be wrong things?
just because it was you who believed them
and you live in some kind of magic fairy bullshit castle
where you can tell no lies and the prince shits candy rainbows from his truth pony?
think again asshole
or maybe actually don’t think again
you might think more wrong things

ANYWAY
Aesacus catches perhaps one too many glimpses of Hesperia gettin’ all bathey
which causes him to morph into TURBO RAPE BATTLE ACTION AESACUS
WITH EXTENDING PENIS
and he comes charging out of the underbrush like SEXXXXX PLEEEEEEASEEEEEE
and Hesperia is like aw hell no
and starts running
and Aesacus starts chasing
and she’s running and he’s chasing and then OW
BAM
WHAT THE FUCK
SNAKES
and then Hesperia dies
and Aesacus is like oh nooooo
I am not kinky enough for necrophilia
the only way to salvage this
is if I die too
cause it’s not necrophilia if you’re both dead
so rather than finding another snake he jumps off the nearest cliff
but then on his way down one of them pesky sea nymphs named Tethys
is like aw hell no that’s nasty
and she turns him into a seagull instead
and Aesacus is like FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
and spends the rest of forever dive-bombing the ocean
trying as hard as he can to drown himself
so that’s why seagulls are dumb in that particular way

so the moral of the story
is when it comes to forest sex
always bring protection
and also antivenom

THE END

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I got fired from my job today

Listen guys
I know the myths I have been posting lately have kind of sucked pretty bad
but the good news is I will have more time to post sucky myths
now that I got fired from my shitty restaurant job
so here’s a myth about another guy who is bad at his job

so there’s this guy right?
a boy, actually
and his job is to watch a whole bunch of sheep all day
and make sure they don’t catch fire or run away
it is a boring job because sheep are boring
like, just being a sheep would be boring
so imagine how boring it would be to WATCH sheep
you don’t even get to be fluffy
so obviously this boy is pretty fed up with this shit
I mean he’s afraid to even count these fuckers in case it causes him to fall asleep
so instead what he decides to do
is start screaming real loud
like HOLY SHIT GUYS
THERE’S A WOLF UP HERE RIGHT NOW
HE’S MURDERING THE SHEEP COME QUICK COME QUICK
and all the village people come running up the hill
like YOUNG MAN
TELL US WHERE IS THE WOLF
and the boy is like HAHA I FOOLED YOU GUYS
MAN, WATCHING YOU ASSHOLES RUN UP THE HILL HAS BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY
LOOK AT YOU
YOU LOOK SO STUPID IN YOUR HARDHATS AND POLICE UNIFORMS
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
WE ARE GOING BACK HOME

so the boy sits up on his hill
and he gets bored again pretty quick
so ten minutes later he starts screaming GUYS GUYS GUYS
THE WOLF IS HERE FOR REAL THIS TIME
HE HAS LIKE
AN UZI AND SHIT
IT IS CHAOS UP HERE I NEED BACKUP
and the village people come marching up the hill like YOUNG MAN
IS THE WOLF EVEN HERE?
and the boy’s like NO MAN
GOD YOU GUYS LOOK SO QUEER
and the village people are like YOUNG MAN
FUCK YOU
and they leave

and then ten minutes later a REAL WOLF shows up
mauling the boring right off of these sheep
and the boy is like SAVE ME VILLAGE PEOPLE
but the village people have had enough of this lad’s bullshit
so they don’t even bother to show up until like next morning
when all the sheep are dead
and the kid is like WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU COME UP HERE LAST NIGHT?
and the village people are like WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL EMPLOYED AS A SHEPHERD?
good questions all around
then everyone starves in the winter because no sheep

so the moral of the story
is don’t ever have fun at your job
or everyone will die

the end.

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