Inanna Goes Through a Lot Of Effort To Visit Relatives

A fellow named Huge Dickheart told me about this myth

Okay so Inanna is the Sumerian goddess of sexytimes pretty much
and one day she decides she’s gonna go down to hell to see her sister Ereshkigal
who is sort of the queen of hell or something
as a side note, Sumerian hell SUCKS
because basically how it is
is everyone that goes to it just has to live in a dreary clusterfuck of gloom
FOREVER
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY DID DURING THEIR LIVES
like GREAT JOB PILING UP ALL THAT VIRTUE ASSHOLE
NOW IT IS TIME TO LANGUISH IN THE EMOPIT
the only thing you can even do to slightly mitigate your suffering
is make sacrifices to the dead while you are alive
although it is not clear whether the dead actually receive these sacrifices
or whether they are embezzled by hell’s shoddy management
man it is like a third world country down there let me tell you

so all of these factors work together
to make Inanna’s visit to hell TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE
in fact it is so inexplicable that even SHE cannot explain it
like one of the hell guards is like hey sexy lady
what’s a fine slice of butt like yourself doing in a place like this
and Inanna is like uhh
going to the funeral of my sister’s husband
I think his name is Gud-Gal-Ana?
The bull of heaven that Gilgamesh and Enkidu killed in that other story?
EXCEPT HERE’S THE THING GUYS
GUD GAL ANA IS NOT EVEN ERESHKIGAL’S HUSBAND
ERESHKIGAL IS ACTUALLY MARRIED TO THE PLAGUE GOD NURGAL
which is WAYYY worse for Ereshkigal
but also goes to show
that Inanna has NO FUCKING IDEA what she is doing down here
she clearly does not keep in touch with her sister or know anything about her life
plus she shows up to the gates of hell wearing ALL OF THE BLING
like a sparkly dress
and some kind of rhinestone thong
and a tape measure made of precious gems I think?
basically every single thing you can have or wear
that is in no way appropriate for a funeral

so naturally the guard at the gates of hell is mega suspicious
and he’s like hey
I’ll let you in to hell, sure
but you gotta give me that sweet tape measure you got there
and Inanna is like what
why?
and he’s like I dunno girl
that’s just the way shit goes down here in hell
SEE
WHAT DID I TELL YOU
HELL:
TOTALLY A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

so Inanna gives this dude her ruler
and then goes down into hell
but it’s not long before she runs into ANOTHER gate
with ANOTHER guard
and that guard is like “gimme your dress”
and she does
and then the next guard is like “gimme your pants”
and she does
and this happens SEVEN TIMES
until Inanna is TOTALLY NUDE
and she is down in the inner sanctum
and Ereshkigal is like sup sis

so Inanna is like hey sis how’s it going
just wanted to drop by and see how you’re doing
and Ereshkigal is like seriously?
bitch you did not even remember my husband’s NAME
I am disinclined to believe you give two soggy shits about how I’m doing
plus you just came down to hell
and we have kind of a reputation down here that we need to uphold
vis a vis no one ever leaving
so guess what?
YOU’RE DEAD NOW
and Inanna is like AW FUCK

but luckily for Inanna she kinda saw this coming
and she had one of her servants go around petitioning all the gods
like hey Inanna is about to do something dumb
wanna bail her out when she inevitably fucks up?
and most of the gods are like uhhhh no
but Enki
who also features prominently in Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
is like SURE
I WILL SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so he makes these two robots out of the dirt under the other gods’ fingernails
(some pretty grody gods, I guess)
and he sends them down to hell to go rescue Inanna
but when they get down there Ereshkigal is TOTALLY PREGNANT
and she is on the floor in labor and she is like GUYSSSS
HELP ME OUT HERE
I WILL TOTALLY HOOK YOU UP WITH ALL KINDS OF SWEET REWARDS
but they are robots and they cannot feel emotions
so they just take Inanna’s corpse out of hell and beep beep boop their way home

but see some demons follow them out of hell
they’re like hey
due to the alchemical law of equivalent exchange
you can’t have Inanna back without trading in a body of greater or equal value
so the robots and the demons go all over the place shopping for bodies
the first person they see is Inanna’s servant
and Inanna is like nope
don’t take her
she’s too loyal
YEAH
APPARENTLY INANNA CAN TALK?
I REALLY CANNOT FIGURE OUT IF SHE’S DEAD OR NOT
and then they come across Inanna’s hairdresser
who is still in mourning
and Inanna is like AW HELL NO WHO IS GONNA DO MY HIGHLIGHTS THEN
so finally they come across Inanna’s husband
who is just having a nap under a tree and minding his own business
and Inanna is like HOW DARE MY HUSBAND NOT MOURN FOR MY STUPID DECISIONS
DEMONS
KILLLL HIMMMM
so the demons drag her husband screaming into hell
and then her husband’s sister gets mad
and strikes up a deal wherein she spends half the year in hell
instead of her bro
and he spends the other half of the year in hell
and then for some reason Inanna starts to regret her dumb decision
so whenever her husband is in hell she spends all her time mourning
and since she is also the god of fertility
the results are very similar to the end of the story of persephone
to wit: WINTER
GREAT

so the moral of the story
is try to remember the names of your siblings’ spouses
otherwise they will strip you naked and imprison you in hell

THE END.

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I did not realize people would pay that much money for hair

So christmas

in reality it is already over
but in this story
it is JUST BEGINNING
in fact
it hasn’t even begun yet
it is looming on the horizon like some great tinsel-covered monolith
exuding sugarplum tentacles filled with HOLIDAY SPIRIT
or at least that’s what it feels like when you are dirt poor
so dirt poor you can’t even afford a present for your best chick/dude
which is the sorry condition of the chick and dude who are the stars of this tale

so this dude, right
he has this watch that he is really super proud of
he is always coming up with excuses to bust it out
like in the bus shelter or in line at the soup kitchen
all like OH MAN THIS LINE SURE IS TAKING A LONG TIME
I WONDER HOW MUCH TIME EXACTLY
LET ME JUST PULL OUT MY GOLD PLATED WATCH
DID YOU KNOW THIS THING IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM
and then someone punches him usually

and this chick
she has got some BO-DONCULOUS hair
seriously
this is the scalpfuzz to end all scalpfuzz
all luxurious and flaxen and whatnot
cascading in delicate ringlets all down the sides of her face
dudes in trenchcoats come up to her from behind in train stations
with tiny sewing scissors
to collect the TINIEST TROPHIES for their fetish altars
man you should’ve been there
these are the only distinguishing features these two people have

so naturally
when it comes time to sit down and think about christmas gifts
this chick and this dude immediately start thinking about hair and watches
the dude is like damn
my lady has enough luscious hair to strangle eddie van halen
she would make rapunzel go bald with jealousy
perhaps I should get her
…something for hair?
and he happens to be walking down the street while he thinks this
and he sees in a shop window this INCREDIBLY PIMPIN’ COMB
it has got rubies all up the hell everywhere
and he goes into the store and he is like HOW MUCH FOR THAT COMB
and the shopkeeper is like A BILLION DOLLARS
but I also accept payment in gold plated family heirloom watches
and the guy is like DONE
and he pawns his watch and gets the comb
hooray, christmas is saved

MEANWHILE
the chick is walking along like hmm
my dude certainly does like that watch of his a whole lot
but you know what that watch is missing?
a PIMPTACULAR watch chain to dangle it on
that way it won’t fall out of his hand and hit the ground
when he gets punched in the face for flashing it at the soup kitchen again
so she goes into the watch chain store
and damn if she doesn’t pick the BLINGINEST WATCH CHAIN THERE EVER WAS
and she’s like how much for that watch chain there
and the shopkeep is like MORE THAN YOU HAVE
and the chick is like well
will you pay me that much if I
SELL YOU MY HAIR?
and the shopkeeper is like MMMM YESSSSSSSS
and so he shaves her head and gives her the watch chain
and no one finds this creepy at all
and christmas is saaaaaaved!

so cut to christmas
these two people are both super excited to give each other gifts
so the dude is like HERE YOU GO BABY I GOT YOU THIS HAIR COMB
ALTHOUGH HONESTLY I AM NOT SURE HOW YOU MANAGED TO MAINTAIN SUCH LUSCIOUS HAIR
FOR SO LONG
IN ABSENCE OF A COMB
DO YOU PERHAPS HAVE
LUSCIOUS DREADLOCKS?
ANYWAY HERE’S THIS COMB FOR YOUR ABUNDANT HAIR THAT YOU HAVE
and the chick is like oh
shit
bad timing
i kind of sold my hair to get you this watch chain
but hey
at least you get this watch chain, right?
and the guy is like oohhh about that
kinda sold my watch to get you this haircomb
and they are both like huh
we just spent all the money we had
and sacrificed the only things about ourselves that brought us any joy
in exchange for two shiny objects that are of absolutely no use to us
is this perhaps
the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?

well no
because the moral of the story
is that when it comes to gift-giving
it’s the thought that counts
except when that thought is really really dumb

the end

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CHRISTMAS GHOSTS

Okay so christmas right?
many of you are probably having some RIGHT NOW
others are probably having some chinese food
and yet others are probably having sex or ambivalence
it’s a big crazy world out there and not everybody likes christmas
but you know what everyone likes?
STORIES ABOUT JERKS
FEATURING GHOSTS
so that’s what we’re gonna partake in right now
religion be damned

so there’s this guy Ebenezer Scrooge
and how the hell are you supposed to not be an asshole
with a name like EBENEZER SCROOGE
that’s like naming your dog poopypants mcpisscarpet
and then being all shocked when he shits your bed
but yeah
this guy is TERRIBLE at christmas
first he threatens to call the police on some holiday charity dudes
and then he only begrudgingly gives his secretary christmas day off
and even then
he only does that because EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT
so not only is he a jerk
he is an impressionable jerk
he also kicks some puppies and has some pretty uncomfortable ideas about racism
just saying
this guy is top notch at being terrible

so he goes home
to sit in his cold house and ruminate on how much he hates kittens and friendship
when BAM
HERE COMES A GHOST
although Bam is not really a good sound effect for a ghost appearance
and Bamf is copyrighted
so let’s just say the ghost appears with a SPAGOOSH
and leave it at that
okay so there’s this ghost
this ghost is the ghost of one of scrooge’s old partners in douchebaggery
one JACOB MARLEY
who does not even have the excuse of an evil name to fall back on
he died 7 years ago from laughing too hard when an orphan fell down
and now here he is
a ghost
COVERED IN CHAINS
and he’s like hey scrooge
and scrooge is like JESUS BALLS GET AWAY FROM ME
and Marley is like no dude it’s okay
i usually watch you sleep anyway
but listen man
you gotta clean up your act
these chains represent what an asshole I was while I was alive
and your chains are bout to be DOUBLE STRENGTH LEAD GIRDERS at the rate you’re going
so just a heads up
there are gonna be some more ghosts coming by here later tonight
they are going to tell you about christmas and stuff
seriously
these guys pulled out all the stops for you
I dunno why they’re trotting out the holiday heavy-hitters
for an emaciated miser with a name like an anal polyp
but hey I don’t make the decisions
I’m just some asshole covered in chains
anyway see you later
try to get some sleep

so scrooge is scared shitless obviously
but he’s also a little senile so he falls asleep anyway
and then later
SPAGOOOOSH
here comes another ghost
this ghost is super gender ambiguous
wearing a white robe
and balancing a candle on its head
not the most intimidating of ghosts, my friend
so scrooge is like okay ghost
who are you and why are you in my house
and the ghost is like I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
I AM HERE TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH A SERIES OF CHRISTMAS FLAAAAASHBAAAAAACKS
SPOOOOOOOKY
so okay they go back in time
they use some kind of spooky ghost time travel
and they go back to scrooge’s childhood
and they watch him sit in a room reading books over the christmas holiday
at boarding school
because his dad won’t let him come home or something
but honestly
reading books over christmas is pretty much what I do ANYWAY
so I don’t see where this guy gets off complaining
except then cut to the next scene
and it is his sister saying he doesn’t have to stay at the boarding school
cause his dad has stopped being a dick
and he can come home now
and they have a feast and it’s great
BUT THEN LATER HIS SISTER DIES
oh nooooooo
and then there’s this other time where scrooge is working for this dude
the dude’s name is Fezziwig
which is basically the opposite of scrooge
so it is no surprise at all when that dude throws a MEGA SWEET CHRISTMAS PARTY
and everyone gets laid
and this illustrates the true meaning of christmas
and also scrooge is lightly traumatized from having to relive his sister’s death
yessssss
so then the ghost puts the final nail in the coffin
(a figurative coffin though, not a literal coffin
the literal coffin comes later
uh
spoilers)
by taking him to see the time when this chick he was into totally dumped him
because he was too into his money
and scrooge sees this
and he feels really bad
he feels so bad that he punches the ghost right in its candle head
like he literally punches its lights out
and then he wakes up in bed
and he’s like shit
I gotta do this 2 more times?

YES
because then here comes the ghost of christmas present
who is a big fat dude who knows how to PARTY
he’s got a big beard and an empty scabbard cause i guess he forgot his sword
and he shows up to Scrooge’s house WASTED
and he’s like duuuuude
it is time to look at the PRESENT of christmas
and Scrooge is like great
we’re in the present right now
done
and the ghost is like no dude
I am going to take you on an adventure
THROUGH SPAAAAAAAAACE
WHOAAAAAAA
so the teleport to this awesome crowded holiday market
where everyone is buying gifts and shit
and Scrooge is like what are we doing here
and the ghost is like oh not much
I just needed to pick up some more booze
I am RUNNING LOW my friend and it is CHRISTMAS
and I mean
I am the ghost of christmas present
which means that after tonight
I FUCKING DIE
so fuck if I’m not gonna PARTY DOWN beforehand
but okay I have my booze now
wanna see something depressing?
and scrooge is like no not really but SPAGOOSH
now they are in the house of Scrooge’s secretary
who’s name is Bob
and they are watching bob and his whole family
slowly starve/freeze to death on CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE
while his small adorable child
whose name is TINY TIM
SLOWLY SUCCUMBS TO POLIO
it is truly
the worst christmas
and the ghost is like aw man
what a buzzkill
let’s go see some other places
so they go to some other places for a while
and then the ghost conjures up some homeless kids to attack scrooge
presumably to teach him about charity but also because it’s hilarious
and scrooge either learns an important lesson or is scared shitless
and then BOOM
he is back in his bed

but is that the end?
fuck no that’s not the end
are you simple?
I SAID there would be THREE GHOSTS
THREE
GHOSTS
and Marley doesn’t count
because he has chains on him and he behaves rationally
so after a suitably suspenseful delay
HERE COMES GHOST NUMBER THREE
or wait
fuck
actually this is not a ghost at all
actually this is just the grim reaper
it is the grim reaper except his skull is invisible inside his hood
and he doesn’t have a scythe
and he doesn’t talk AT ALL
BOOOOO-RIIIIIING
except not boring
because this ghost
can TIME TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE
so it takes Scrooge with it
to a not-so-distant dystopian future
full of flying guns and some jerk’s funeral
this anonymous jerk apparently died recently and no one gives a shit
look, here come some businessmen
they do not give a SHIT
one of them is like I WILL ONLY GO TO THIS FUNERAL IF THEY HAVE FREE SANDWICHES
and another one is like HAHAHA I DON’T EAT SANDWICHES SO I WON’T GO AT ALL
and then some other people are like HEY
WE JUST STOLE ALL OF THAT JERK’S STUFF
LET’S GO SELL IT TO A PAWNSHOP
and then some other people are like SHIT YES
WE USED TO OWE THAT GUY MONEY
NOW WE CAN INSTEAD USE THAT MONEY TO BUY HIS STOLEN GOODS FROM THIS PAWNSHOP
basically everybody is happy and no one is sad
and then they go to the graveyard
and WHOSE GRAVE DO YOU THINK IT IS?
COME ON
IT IS SCROOGE’S GRAVE
IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN YOU ARE TOO DUMB FOR THIS STORY
YOU ARE TOO DUMB EVEN FOR THIS WEBSITE
but yeah
this is obviously some pretty freaky shit
so scrooge is like AAH
AAH
GET ME OUT OF HERE
SHOW ME A FUNERAL WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT FOR A CHANGE
and SPAGOOSH
now they are at a much more heartfelt funeral
the funeral
OF TINY TIM
oh man the pathos is unBEARABLE
and scrooge is like okay dude okay
fine
I give up
i’ll be good at christmas from now on
as long as I can somehow shift myself into an alternate timeline
where I don’t die and then get all my shit stolen by poor people
and no sooner has he made this decision
then he wakes up in bed
and he is alive and it is christmas day
and he actually keeps his word
and goes and hangs out with his nephew and his nephew’s family
and anonymously donates a big fat turkey to his secretary
(although he does not anonymously donate them any polio vaccine
which would have been a lot more helpful)
and generally just skips down the street
throwing fistfuls of money at homeless people
and from that day on
everyone forgets what a jerk he used to be
and when he dies nobody steals his stuff
PROBABLY

so the moral of the story
is that if you have a friend who does not understand the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
your best bet
is a calculated campaign of sleep deprivation and necromancy
carefully orchestrated to break down the will and strip away the personality
until nothing but CHRISTMAS SPIRIT remains

Merry Christmas guys

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A trio of sightless rodents

Short one today
to make up for the LONG LONG FUCKITY LONG one from tuesday
also I have to get on a plane to LA in a couple of minutes
so here we go:

alright so there’s these three mice
they have vision problems
SEVERE vision problems
straight up macular degeneration cataracts glaucoma 3x combo
and their health insurance is SHIT because they are MICE
seriously
these dudes could not see the back side of a barn
which is problematic
because they LIVE in the backside of a barn
or at least somewhere on a farm
cause see one day the farmer’s wife comes sauntering by
and they’re like HOLY SOMEBODY’S COMING
WE’D BETTER DO THE SENSIBLE THING
AND START CHASING HER
so they do
or maybe they thought they were running away
but need I remind you they are FUCKING BLIND
so they are just running all up at her skirts and shit
and she is like EEK EEK EEK
OH WAIT
THOSE ARE MOUSE NOISES
I AM A HUMAN
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SEPARATES ME FROM FILTHY SQUEAKING BARNMAMMALS
IS MY ABILITY TO USE TOOLS
SPECIFICALLY THIS CARVING KNIFE
so she just turns around like SHABAM FLOORTWATS
and the mice have no clue what is about to happen because they CAN’T FUCKING SEE
so she cuts off all their tails
now let me ask you my friends
have you ever seen such a thing in your life?
if you grew up on a farm
the answer is:
probably

BUT MY FRIENDS THAT IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY
because apparently this is all some kind of fucked up allegory
for how there were these three dudes
named Hugh Latimer, Nicholas Ridley and Thomas Cranmer
they ran afoul of the queen at the time
Queen Mary the First
because they were being WAYYYY too protestant
especially Thomas Cranmer
who happened to also be the archbishop of canterbury
and that is kind of a conflict of interest?
so Mary rounds up these dudes
and she’s about to set them on fire if they don’t convert to non-protestantism
and Tommy is like WHOA WAIT
I TOTALLY TAKE BACK ALL MY PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID
I GET TO LIVE NOW, RIGHT?
and Mary is like uh nope
still gonna set you on fire
and Thomas is like WELL SHIT
I GUESS I TAKE BACK ALL THE NON-PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID THEN
PROTESTANTS 4EVA
and then he dies
and this is like that rhyme about the mice
because in this story
the three dudes who got burned represent the mice
except instead of being blind
they are protestants
and the queen represents the farmer’s wife
except instead of cutting off their tails
she sets them on fire
and the whole thing is about religion
which just goes to show
that if you are coming up with a rhyme to celebrate history
folks give you a LOT of leeway

THE END

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MONKEY KING

Okay so some guy recommended this myth to me
I forget his name
but it was probably something badass like Omar McPunchkittens
whatever
let’s talk about arrogant primates

So there’s this stone monkey
he hatched out of a stone egg
that’s normal
SO ANYWAY
this monkey becomes king of all the other monkeys
presumably because none of them want to have to try and punch him
seeing as he is made of STONE
so that’s pretty sweet
he finds them this secret cave under a waterfall and shit

BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS MONKEY
he’s like man
I’m made out of stone and I’m a king and everything
but you know what I’m NOT?
IMMORTAL
and the other monkeys are like dude
only sages and immortals and buddhas are immortal
and the monkey is like NOT A PROBLEM
IMMORTALITY AHOY

so he gets on a raft
which is a terrible dumb thing for a stone monkey to do
and then he sails for a long time until he finds some random sage
and in true kung-fu movie fashion
this sage dude has ol’ monkeytimes carry water and chop wood for 7 years
also he changes his name from ol’ monkeytimes to Wu K’ung
and then after seven years he’s like okay monkey guy
seems like you are serious about learning this shit
also you have done HELLA chores and I am pleased
so here
here are the 72 transformations of immortality
also a somersault that will carry you around the world
and Wu K’ung is like AWWW SHITTTT
dude lemme at least give you a couple bucks
to pay you back for all these sweet transformations
and the sage is like naw bro
just make sure to not use your powers for being an asshole
and the monkey is like oh haha sure okay

so he goes back to the other monkeys
and he has to save them from some demons or something
and then he’s like well shit
better get these dudes some weapons
so he does
and then he goes to the dragon king who lives underwater
and he’s like yo dude
i want a really great weapon
and the dragon king
who is FUCKING TERRIFIED of Wu K’ung
is like sure dude
have this 3,000 pound sword
(if you’re someplace that uses the metric system
I think that’s about 7 kilometers)
and Wu K’ung is all like NOPE
TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like ohhh shit
okay
here’s a 7,000 pound axe
and Wu K’ung is like NOPE
STILL TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like well uh okay
all we have is this huge iron bar that some guy used to make the oceans
and the monkey king is like PERFECT
I’LL TAKE IT
the staff is super huge
but it shrinks on command
and it also has its exact total weight written on it
which is like 13,000 pounds
and Wu K’ung is like hey guys
while I’m here
how about also some armor and sweet pimp clothes and fancy sandwiches?
and everyone is like sure okay dude just don’t hurt us

so the monkey king comes back to his monkeys
and they’re like DAMN BRO YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAZING
and he’s like uh yeah
I KNOW
NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE A NAP
TRY NOT TO GET BLINDED BY ALL MY SICK FINERY
so he falls asleep
and starts having this CRAZY dream
where demons are dragging him into hell
and he’s like whoa now FUCK THIS
and whips out his staff and brutally emasculates these demons
and then fancyswaggers right into the mouth of hell
into the inner sanctum or whatever
and he’s like HEY CHINESE SATAN
WHAT’S THIS ABOUT?
and chines satan is like uh
uh
lemme check the book that says when everyone is gonna die
oh
look
it says you’re gonna live to be like three hundred and-
FUCK THAT, says the monkey king
and he walks over to the book and he’s like lemme just fix that real quick
and just straight crosses his name out
and then crosses out the names of all his monkey pals
and then he goes back to earth and his monkeys are like yo dude where you been
and he’s like oh nowhere
just CUTTIN’ THROUGH THE RED TAPE OF HELL
LIKE MAYOR MCBADASS AT THE RIBBON-CUTTING FOR AWESOME ISLAND
WIELDING THOSE GIANT NOVELTY SCISSORS
LIKE A GUILLOTINE
OF JUSTICE

so word gets around
and everyone starts to get pretty worried about this dude
so finally they all go ask the Jade Emperor
who is like the king of heaven or something
if he can do something about this rambunctious monkey
so the Jade emperor invites Wu K’ung up to his place
and he’s like yo
monkey king
how would you like A ROYAL APPOINTMENT IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
and Wu K’ung is like FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION FOR MY AWESOME TALENTS
WHAT’S THE APPOINTMENT, KINGY-POO?
and the king is like
“Pi Ma Wen”
which means “Stable boy”
but apparently the monkey king doesn’t know chinese
so he goes ahead and does this shit job for TEN YEARS
until he finally realizes that his job
actually involves picking up literal shit
I don’t know why it took him ten years to realize this
but anyway he responds by breaking a bunch of shit and then going home
back to the monkeys
who are like DUDE
FUCK BEING A STABLEBOY
YOU SHOULD RUN FOR OFFICE
THE OFFICE OF “GREATEST SAGE EVER”
WE ARE NOT SURE THAT IS AN OFFICE
BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY MONKEYS
AND FRANKLY, EVEN OUR ABILITY TO SPEAK IS PRETTY REMARKABLE
BUT HEY MAN IT’S WORTH A SHOT
and Wu K’ung is like you know what
you’re right

so he makes this big banner that says he’s the greatest sage ever
and naturally this pisses heaven off
so the jade emperor sends some dudes to go fight him
along with like SEVERAL THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
but here is the problem:
the monkey king is like PRETTY MUCH INVINCIBLE
he can do crazy shit like pull out his hair and turn it into more of him
he can like
shoot lasers out of his face and multiply his arms and transmute flesh to fire
what I am saying is this guy’s power level is THROUGH THE ROOF
he makes short work of the armies
and then some other armies
and finally the jade emperor is like okay dude
you wanna be the greatest sage?
fine
that’s not even a thing
but check it out
we’ll even build you a fucking castle
and make you caretaker of a grove full of immortality peaches
and Wu K’ung is like OH MAN
I LOVE HOW MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS HAVE ONLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
then he busts into the peach orchard and eats like ALL THE PEACHES
even though he was immortal to begin with
so basically
what the fuck?

but so he eats a bunch of peaches
and he passes out in a peach tree
and these fairies come by to gather peaches for this sweet party
and they see that there are like NO PEACHES LEFT
and they wake up Wu K’ung
who has turned himself into a caterpillar for some reason
and he’s like WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
and they’re like uh
we were supposed to get peaches for this sweet party the queen is throwing
and Wu K’ung is like THE QUEEN’S THROWING A PARTY
AND I’M NOT INVITED?
BUUUUUULLLLSHIT
so he casts a spell on the fairies
(it doesn’t say what kind of spell
just any old spell
like maybe he set them on fire or bought them cotton candy
or just tattooed “STEAK” on all their foreheads
whatever)
and then he goes to the party
except he’s not content to just crash the party normal-style
no no no
he turns his hair into a PLAGUE OF SLUMBER-INDUCING LOCUSTS
then once everyone is asleep
he rolls in
gets PLASTERED
breaks a bunch of shit
including SEVERAL MORE ELIXIRS OF IMMORTALITY
(holy SHIT heaven is like oozing with this stuff)
and then he sobers up enough to realize he should probably get out of here
and he flies back down to earth and meets back up with his monkey bros
like DUDES I JUST TOTALLY CRASHED A PARTY
AND I STOLE ALL THEIR BOOZE AND BROUGHT IT HERE
SO WE CAN KEEP THIS PARTY GOING
ALL
NIGHT
LONG

but so then they wake up to find that perhaps they have partied TOO HARD?!
because now their mountain where they live is surrounded by EIGHTEEN NETS
and also EIGHTEEN MILLION THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
and also a whole pantheon full of PISSED-OFF GODS
but Wu K’ung is like it’s cool guys I got this
HIYAAAAAAAA
and BAM
he’s got SIX ARMS
EACH WITH A DIFFERENT CRAZY KIND OF WEAPON
like
he has so many arms
that about halfway through he runs out of real weapons to hold
and has to start making shit up
like KNIFE?
CHECK
AXE?
CHECK
CONSTANTLY OSCILLATING WHEEL OF FIRE?
CHECK?
but yeah
then he also bites off a bunch of his hairs and turns them into a tun of him
man male pattern baldness is gonna hit this guy HARD

but so the gods are STILL pissed off
I mean
if there is one surefire way to piss off gods
it is getting between them and their booze
so finally they pull out their ace in the hole
their ace in the hole is just some other god named Ehr-lang
which is not an intimidating name in any language
but actually he is a pretty formidable dude
his power level is substantial and all that
and what he does
which is actually pretty brilliant
is he grows like 10,000 feet tall
and then Wu K’ung is like OH IT’S ON BITCH
and he grows himself like ten thousand and ONE feet tall
and while they are busy godzilla-ing it up up there
all of Ehr-lang’s dudes just straight MASSACRE the other monkeys
and then the monkey king looks down and he’s like AW FUCK DUDE WHAT DID YOU DO
I THOUGHT I ERASED ALL THOSE GUYS OUT OF THE BOOK OF DEATH OR SOMETHING
and Ehr-lang is like WELL THEN MY FISTS MUST BE FOUNTAIN PENS
CAUSE I DONE PENCILED Y’ALL BACK IN FOR 11:00
WHICH IS RIGHT NOW
AND I GUESS I DIDN’T PENCIL YOU IN
BECAUSE MY FISTS ARE PENS
BUT ANYWAY THE IDEA IS I’MA KILL YOU
but by the time Ehr-lang is done backpedaling Wu K’ung has already run away
and turned into a bird
so it’s a good thing Ehr-lang has some kind of crazy GPS tracking device on him
he just starts chasing that bird like nobody’s business
by turning into ANOTHER BIRD
and this goes on for a while
with these two dudes shifting through basically every flavor of ornithological bullshit
and some snakes and fish and stuff also
and finally they just turn back into dudes
and start punching the hell out of each other
and the gods are watching like should we fix this?
yeah
we should fix this
so one guy throws this magic diamond ring at Wu K’ung
which knocks him out and then ties him up
this is a serious ring my friends
this is the kind of ring i would give as an engagement ring
because then if my fiancee tried to run away
BAM
ROPES AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS
I am just not very confident in my personal charisma is all ok?

but so the monkey king is like AWW NUTS
TOTALLY UNFAIR
and everyone else is like well
as long as we’re doing unfair things
why don’t we put this monkey in a pot
and MELT HIM so all his immortality comes out and we can maybe salvage it
and everyone is like THAT IS A GREAT IDEA
so they put him in a pot
and they set it on fire
and they leave him in there for FORTY-NINE DAYS
and then one guy opens it up to check on his ashes
and BOOM
OUT BUSTS THE MONKEY KING
like BITCHES
DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK UP IMMORTALITY IN THE DICTIONARY BEFORE YOU DID THIS?
IT MEANS I CAN’T DIE
IT’S NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE BULLSHIT PARKING SIGNS
LIKE NO PARKING BEFORE TEN PM
THERE IS NO WORKAROUND
YOU CANNOT JUST KEEP CIRCLING THE BLOCK UNTIL MY IMMORTALITY DISSIPATES
NO MY FRIENDS
IMMORTALITY IS A SIGN THAT SAYS “NO DYING ANYTIME”
“MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY”
“12AM TO 12AM”
“EVERY”
“DAMN”
“DAY”
so yeah basically the only thing anyone manages to accomplish by burning him
is turning his eyes a TOTALLY BADASS RED
so that’s when the gods are like fuck it
I’m out of ideas
somebody call buddha

so they manage to dig up buddha’s number
and he comes plummeting out of heaven like YO
MONKEY KING
LET’S HAVE US A CONVERSATION
and the monkey king is like sure okay what’s up
and the buddha is like dude
you’ve been being a real shack of tools these past several hundred years
and everyone would like you to stop
would you consider just chilling the fuck out?
and the monkey king is like dude
chill out?
I was just in a furnace for a month and a half
the only thing I am about to chill out is these beers I just stole from heaven
and buddha is like whoa whoa okay
a proposition then
if you can do a backflip out of my hand
you can go ahead and keep doing whatever you want
but if you can’t
I OWN you
and Wu K’ung is like psh WHAT?
your hand is like nine inches long
I can somersault AROUND THE WORLD
this is TRUE COMEDY, buddha
I accept your proposition

so buddha sticks out his hand
and Wu K’ung climbs on top of it
and he’s like ready
set
BACKFLIP
and he’s backflippin’ harder than a whole swimming pool full of breakdancers
until finally he stops
and he’s standing at the foot of these FIVE MASSIVE PILLARS
and he’s like HAH
I MUST BE IN SOME CRAZY ALIEN DIMENSION
LET ME MARK THIS PLACE FOR POSTERITY
so he carves his initials into one of the pillars
and then pisses on it for good measure
and then backflips back to where he started
and buddha’s like WHAT THE FUCK MAN
YOU JUST PISSED IN MY HAND
YOU LITERALLY JUST PISSED ALL OVER MY FUCKING HAND
HOLY SHIT DUDE
HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF BUDDHA’S INESCAPABLE PALM?
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?
and then buddha turns his hand into a mountain composed of a bunch of elements
and imprisons Wu K’ung under it for like several thousand years
with nothing to eat but iron pills
and nothing to drink but MOLTEN COPPER
until some sage decides he’s suffered enough
and releases him and gives him a new name
and they go searching for the mythic scriptures of buddhism
but THAT is a story for another time

so I think the moral of this story
is if you find yourself outmatched by a superior opponent
don’t fuck around
call Buddha FIRST

The end.

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Ducks are Idiots

I was in a record shop today
the record shop was also an arcade
I found a record entitled “So-and-So’s Waggish Tales”
and I am somewhat of a connoisseur of waggish tales
so I picked that shit up
and here is what I found:

So there’s this kid Peter
he does not give a FUCK
he lives in this crazy wolf-infested forest
and decides that today is a good day to just go blithely walking around
all over the place
totally leaving his gate open and everything
and since the gate is open
his duck also busts out the house
like QUACK QUACK QUACK TIME FOR SOME BAD DECISIONS
and then the duck jumps in the pond
and runs up on some other kind of bird
and the two of them immediately throw down
the little bird is like BITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FLY?
and the duck is like DOUBLEBITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN SWIM?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND
A VERY DRY BIRD
VERY
VERY
DRYYYYYYY
and while the two of them are busy arguing
a cat tries to roll up and pounce on the little bird
but peter is like HEY BIRD LOOK OUT
and the bird flies into a tree
and the duck swims into the middle of the pond
and the cat is left sitting at the bottom of the tree like hm
this basically sucks
and the bird is like HAHA TWATSHANKS LOOKS LIKE GRAVITY STRIKES AGAIN

so this goes on for a while
and then Peter is like shut the fuck up guys my grandpa is coming
and grandpa mcgee comes running out like PETER YOU WORTHLESS BARGE OF TITS
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BLITHELY WANDERING AROUND IN THE MEADOW?
THIS FOREST IS TEEMING WITH WOLVES
TEEMING WITH THEM
GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW
and peter is like pshaw
I ain’t afraid of no wolves
but he goes inside anyway because he does not want to get smacked
leaving the birds to continue hiding from the cat

but no sooner does peter go inside
then the wolf arrives
like hey guys there’s a party in my stomach and you guys are invited
and everyone is like HELL NO WE KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THOSE PARTIES
and the cat climbs the tree
the bird stays the hell away from the cat
and the duck apparently has an idiot fit and jumps OUT OF THE POND
and starts running from the wolf on spindly little duck legs
so he gets eaten
OBVIOUSLY
and then peter comes back outside like oh snap
time to be all courageous and whatnot
so he climbs to the top of this big stone wall he lives behind
and from there he hops into the tree
with a whole ton of rope
and he’s like okay bird
now’s your chance to not suck a whole lot
go down there and fly around the wolf’s head til he gets dizzy and passes out
and the bird is like sure ok
so he goes down there and starts baffling that carnivore
and meanwhile peter fashions a noose out of the rope
but no
he doesn’t do the rad thing and just straight hang that wolf right there
no instead he loops the noose around the wolf’s tail
and hoists him up into the tree
predator style
and then some hunters come out of the woods
firing their weapons indiscriminately
and peter is like WHOA GUYS WHOA
first of all
there are people here that you are sort of shooting at
second of all
we can make WAY MORE MONEY by selling this wolf to the zoo
help me do that instead of doing your job
and the hunters are like uh ok
and then everyone takes the wolf to the zoo
including the grandfather
who is none too happy about any of this
because he is old and that is his job
oh and also apparently the wolf has a really faulty digestive tract
because the duck is still totally alive inside his stomach
quacking and causing a ruckus
but it’s not like anyone cuts him out or anything
no
they just leave him in there to die

so the moral of the story
is if you have someone in your life who is a constant danger/nuisance
don’t kill them
killing is wrong
sell them to the zoo

THE END

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Animals != Astronomical Bodies

Today’s myth comes from IDAHO
and also the sexy supple typing fingers of MEGAZORD “HOTT RADIATION” BURLESQUE
it is about workplace harassment

OKAY SO COYOTES
they are everywhere
and they eat your cats and shit in your gardens
no one likes coyotes
this is because when given the slightest opportunity
Coyotes pull shit like this:

so there’s this place in Idaho or Montana or something and it has no moon
everyone hates it
because how are they supposed to have sexy late night disco parties?
electricity has not been invented yet my friends
this is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO

so everyone gets together and they’re like fuck this
we need a MOON
then we can truly bone
ALL NIGHT LONG
without anyone hitting their face on the bedpost
and getting like a bloody nose or something
and then it’s totally a turnoff for some people
SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
okay, okay what do we have a lot of that we’re not using?
oh I know
ANIMALS
HEY ANIMALS
and the animals are like yo hey
and the people are like HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU CRAWLS UP THERE AND REFLECTS SUNLIGHT
AND THEN WE CAN TRULY BONE
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
NOT YOU AND US
US AND EACH OTHER
WHAT ARE WE, FREAKS?
OKAY NOW GO UP IN THE SKY NOW
and fox
who is dumb and eager to please
is like OKAY GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST SUN
so he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a ball
and he starts reflecting the FUCK out of that sun
but here’s the problem my friends
fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB
it’s like straight up daylight all over the place
everyone caught with their wangs out
totally embarrassed
and they’re like hey fox
sorry buddy
but we need a little more mood lighting for this vigorous boning
gonna need you to step down from the sky
and fox is like aww okay
and then raven is like OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE
NOTHING IS SEXIER
THAN BLACKLIGHT
so raven flies up there
and he balls himself up
but see
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting shit
and pretty soon everyone is banging their faces on bedposts again
and not in the good way
i’m sure there’s a good way for that to happen
but so yeah everyone wipes the blood off their faces and sexparts
and they’re like okay raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff
seriously dude this is no good
so raven slinks back down to earth all humiliated
cause at least fox only got fired for being GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move
he’s like GUYS
LOOK AT ME
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR
THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING
IS TOTALLY OKAY
and everyone is like well we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric
but okay sure

so coyote gets his ass up in the sky
and he curls into a ball
and it’s perfect
it’s great
everyone is boning up a storm
but not a literal storm
that would be bad and probably interrupt the boning
no this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits
it’s great
you should have been there
but then Coyote gets all bored
because as we have already established
this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his priveleged position up in the sky
to start snooping
he’s all peeping in lasses’ windows
like HEY
HEY EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE SEXTUPLE TWANK TWISTER
COME LOOK
and everyone comes and looks
and susan doesn’t even come at all
because a screaming moon is the biggest bonerkill
Coyote also uses his moon powers to prevent justified theft and cheat at cards
basically no one is happy about this
so they totally fire him

but he’s like HAHA
YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME
I’M THE PERFECT COLOR
HOO-RAH
and everyone is like uh
there are pretty much a ho-jillion animals with the same color fur as you
case in point: rabbit
and rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either
get up there, rabbit
so rabbit gets up there
and ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing
FOREVER
and that is why coyote is always howling at the moon
he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is maybe we should consider firing the moon
cause I bet we have the technology
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some fucking rabbit

THE END

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More Reasons Not To Be a Bird

So on the one hand
this semester is almost over
on the other hand
THIS SEMESTER NEVER FUCKING ENDS
so in the interest of going back to sleep
or work or whatever it is I have to do today
here’s a short fable:

So there’s this eagle
he’s on top of the world
real fancydapper motherfucker we got going on here
why is it that these fables always start with an animal having a REALLY GOOD TIME
but by the end of the tale that is NO LONGER THE CASE?
could Aesop not be arsed to save up all the good times for a happy ending
I dunno
MAYBE ONE FUCKING TIME?
let me answer that for you:
nope

okay so this eagle
he’s flying along
and then he gets pegged with an arrow
RIGHT IN THE FACE
so he’s like oh fuck
this is the worst
this is way worse than what happened to that fox that one time
and then he falls out of the sky
and he breaks his everything on the ground
and as he’s dying
he looks at the arrow
and he notices that the feathers on the end
are his OWN
DAMN
FEATHERS
WHOAH

so the moral of the story is supposed to be something like
WE OFTEN GIVE OUR ENEMIES THE MEANS OF OUR OWN DESTRUCTION
but fuck that
how the hell are you gonna stop your feathers from coming out?
or if you’re not a bird
what about hair?
what is going to stop some wiley hunter/voodoo master
from stealing all your hair
and using a combination of street smarts and witchcraft to stab you in the face?
NOTHING, that’s what
except
not having hair
laser hair removal:
that is the REAL moral of the story.

THE END.

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Grapes: Just Not Worth It

Aw Jeez guys
I can’t believe I actually FORGOT to post a myth yesterday
that’s happened like what
FOUR TIMES EVER?
balls
oh well
Tuesday’s a shitty day anyway

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE FABLE YOU MIGHT KNOW

so there’s this fox right
he thinks he’s hot shit
all gallivanting around town
sexin’ up hot ladyfoxes
evading rambunctious dudehounds
(not dudes who are prowling for other dudes
I mean actual hounds
who are of the male persuasion
don’t read anything into that)
basically this fox is doing everything foxes are supposed to do
WITH PANACHE
until one day
he runs up on this tree full of grapes
I was unaware grapes grew on trees
I thought they grew on vines
but whatever
I guess the vines could have climbed the tree or something
seems like a lot of work for some vines though if you ask me
all the vines I know are super lazy
not that I’m generalizing or anything
I’m sure some of you know some very clean and industrious vines
BUT LOOK ANYWAY
this super slick super sassy fox guy
is like HEY GRAPES
HOWSABOUT YOU AND ME HAVE A LITTLE RENDEZVOUS
IN MY STOMACH
wait wait I said that wrong
I do not mean to imply that I will be in my stomach to meet you
i mean that YOU will be in my stomach
and I will be on the outside
digesting you
that’s how that works, right?
yes, ok
SO THE FOX STARTS TAKING RUNNING LEAPS AT THESE GRAPES
but the grapes are WAYYYY up there
because of these supernaturally industrious vines
so he is straight olympic-class failing all over the place
faceplanting so hard he is seeding ACTUAL FACEPLANTS
and finally he stops
and he wipes the blood off his face
and he’s like fuck this
I bet those are sucky grapes anyway
I bet they suck real bad
and then he goes home and he doesn’t talk about this to anybody

so the moral of the story
is foxes shouldn’t be vegetarians

THE END.

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SATURDAY BONUS: SEXYTIMES AS SEACRAFT

don’t go thinking this is gonna happen all the time
but sometimes maybe I will do a thing
where I just write something that is not a myth and post in on saturday
or do SOMETHING
I don’t know
but today I really just have something I need to get off my chest
it is about boats

guys I think the airplane metaphor for sex is way overplayed
wingman?
come on
where does a wingman even go
does he have to hold on to the wind of the supersonic jet that is your sexuality?
DOES NOT SOUND FUN
and you know what happens when you set yourself up with airplane imagery, right?
You get SHOT DOWN
and then you CRASH AND BURN
why would you take an already difficult and dangerous situation:
BONING
and staple it to basically the most highly dangerous form of transport
that you could POSSIBLY IMAGINE
might as well call your wingman your DYNOMITE TRAIN CONDUCTOR
or ELITE SPACESHIP JET FIGHTER ROBOT DROIDPAL
and I mean
while those both sound sweet
they do not leave you open to high probabilities of sexytimes
Piloting an elite spaceship jet fighter is HARD guys
and when it comes to sexytimes
the only thing that should be hard
is your PENIS
or someone else’s penis depending on if you are a guy or a girl or a gay dude
or maybe SEVERAL PENISES if you’re into that
or maybe no penises at all if you’re into THAT
look I don’t know
the common denominator is penises, though

and see on the other hand, boats are great
boats are super sexy
they have naked chicks on the front of them sometimes
and they go on the ocean
which everyone knows moves in a manner similar to sex
see also: the sea is a harsh mistress
also
huge, throbbing masts
also
if you fall out of a boat YOU DON’T NEED A FUCKING PARACHUTE TO NOT DIE IMMEDIATELY
YOU NEED SOME WOOD
OR A SMALLER BOAT
OR BASICALLY JUST ANYTHING AT ALL THAT DOESN’T SINK
AND DID ANYONE CATCH THAT I JUST SAID WOOD?
COME ON GUYS
your chances are way better with boats is what i’m saying
plus, consider this:
the mile high club is old news
anyone can buy a plane ticket and get all steamy in a cramped bathroom
full of 1-ply toilet paper and broken dreams
but what about the TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA CLUB
no i’m not talking about a club for people who have read that book
Shit, I never read that book
I spent the time I would have spent reading that book
getting laid in a SUBMARINE

so as you guys may know
I have already suggested a number of helpful alternatives
to our current aerocentric set of sex metaphors
for starters, we can replace wingman with poon sextant
and for a handy feminine alternative
something that the current SEXIST AIRPLANE SYSTEM does not allow for
we get titcaptain
also titstrolabe
with me so far?

okay, but see those are just the basics.
there’s a whole lot of nautical instruments out there
and the more of them we sexualize
the larger our arsenal of sexy sea terms becomes
or should I say be-CUMS
no
okay so anyway
let’s see
first we’ve got the terms that need no reworking
I’m talking about things like First Mate, Bulk Head, Poop deck
and I Like The Cut of Your Jib
but if we really want to make this work we’ve got to get creative
so for the discerning sexophile
looking to get “nauti” with some “seamen”
we’ve got the SpyglAss
the Main MAsst
the CutlAss
and the all-important CumpAss
or Cum-pass
although I don’t know how many situations you’re going to be in
where you really need to pass some cum around
maybe this goes hand in hand with that multiple penises thing I talked about earlier

but guys
nautical sexy talk is more than just finding the word ass buried inside other words
(much like a pirate buries treasure on a secret island
or like an ass-pirate buries treasure in a secret ass)
nautical sexy talk is a LIFESTYLE
don’t ask if they want to come back to your place
ask if they want to come back to the captain’s quarters
or if you’re feeling frisky
the captain’s hindquarters
Break the ice with “what’s kraken?”
and when that doesn’t work, bid them goodbye with a “sea you later.”
Take the time to find out what you really WOULD do with a drunken sailor
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE AS VAST AS THE BOUNDLESS HORIZON OF THE OCEAN HERSELF
AND LIKE, SIX TIMES AS SEXY
but I’m tired now, and I figure I’ve given you plenty to work with
so arm the cannons and hoist those masts, mateys
WE’VE GOT A WHALE TO CATCH

no wait that sounded wrong.

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