Prince Five-Weapons in the Land of Incredibly Descriptive Names

Here’s one I picked up while I was reading something else

(Don’t worry guys, I’ll get back to myths you already know and love on Thursday)
(Also, you should read this comic called Happle Tea if you don’t already
this guy’s interests definitely overlap with mine
and therefore, YOURS)

So there’s this guy named prince five-weapons
he has actually JUST NOW been named this
because he completed some kind of ridiculous five-weapon training
it seems to me that it might be a better use of one’s time
to just get five times better with one weapon
and then you don’t have to carry FIVE FUCKING WEAPONS ALL THE TIME
but that is not the way prince five-weapons thinks
so he completes his training
and his sensei loads him down with FIVE WEAPONS
and he sets off to go tell his dad
KING ELEVEN-WEAPONS
(that’s not his name I made that up)
about his shiny new weapons.

But here’s the problem:
between the prince and his dad
there is this HUGE JANKY FOREST
and that forest is filled with a HUGE JANKY OGRE
named STICKY-HAIR
and everyone is like noooo don’t go in that forest man
there is an ogre in there and maybe you should go around
and prince five-weapons is like oh poppycock
have you guys not seen my FIVE WEAPONS?
My weapons:
There are five of them
not counting my two ENORMOUS TESTICLES
and why would you count those as weapons?
they are tender and unwieldy and probably the weakest point on my whole body
seriously
balls suck
it’s like if tanks came equipped with a big button on the front that fed the driver to bears

ANYWAY
Prince Five-weapons just recklesses his way into the forest
and pretty soon he runs up on Sticky-hair the ogre
and sticky hair is like dude
didn’t anyone tell you to go around these woods?
and prince five weapons is like ONLY BASICALLY EVERYONE I MET
BUT THEN FIVE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE ADVISED ME TO IGNORE THEM
THESE FRIENDS TO WHICH I REFER
THEY ARE MY WEAPONS
OBSERVE:

so he busts out his bow and arrow
and he shoots a ton of arrows at this ogre
but they all just get stuck in the ogre’s hair
as his name might imply
hey, why is this ogre’s hair sticky, anyway?
I mean, I guess you get pretty lonely being an ogre in the woods
seeing as you have to eat anyone even remotely friendable or bangable or friendbangable
and then when you get lonely…
but i do not want to think about this anymore

so five-weapons keeps shooting Stickypubes with arrows
but they all just stick to his hair
which makes me wonder why five-weapons keeps shooting at his hair
unless this dude is like
seriously hairy
riding the pube-bus to armenian island or some shit

so when it becomes clear how much the arrows plan is failing
the prince busts out his SWORD
and he starts beating that against the ogre
but his SWORD get stuck
so he tries his SPEAR
and then when that gets stuck
he tries his CLUB
and uh
yeah, that gets stuck too

so the demon is like HEY PRINCE FIVE-WEAPONS
LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF WEAPONS
AND IF YOU WERE COUNTING YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU ONLY ACTUALLY HAVE 4 WEAPONS
and the prince is like DUDE
THE ARROWS AND THE BOW TOTALLY COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS
and the ogre is like DUDE, NO THEY DON’T
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH AN ARROWLESS BOW
OR SOME BOWLESS ARROWS?
THOSE ARE SOME WEAK SHIT MY FRIEND
AND PLUS IF THEY REALLY DID COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS THEN EACH ARROW WOULD COUNT SEPARATELY
AND YOU WOULD HAVE LIKE FIFTY BAZILLION WEAPONS OR SOMETHING
and the prince is like OKAY OKAY FINE THE FIFTH WEAPON IS MY FISTS
HOW ABOUT THAT
HOW ABOUT MY FISTS

so he runs up and punches stickyhair right in his sticky hair
so his fist gets stuck
so he uses his other fist
duh
then he uses his foot and his other foot
and then his head
holy shit this is starting to sound a lot like another story I know

but anyway now Prince Five-weapons is dangling from this ogre’s disgustingly sticky belly
and he’s still flailing around like COME ON
BRING IT
and the ogre is like whoa
I’m an ogre
eating stupid people is what I DO
but I ain’t NEVER met a dude as stupid as this
HE MUST BE HIDING SOMETHING
HEY DUDE, WHAT GIVES?
AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF DYING?
and the prince is like UMMM
NO?
I mean when you think about it
everybody’s gotta die sometime
and getting smashed by a suspiciously tacky fantasy monster while I writhe on his stomach
is a pretty rad way to die
way better than old age or lupus
PLUS
did I not tell you?
I have a lightning bolt in my stomach
and if you eat me it will give you WICKED INDIGESTION
like, pretty much the wickedest indigestion you can get
I am talking broomstick and cackles
bubble bubble
toil and trouble
wicked
fucking
stomach cramps

and the ogre is like OH SHIT THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE
ALRIGHT DUDE
I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND BELIEVE YOU AND LET YOU GO
and the prince is like SWEET, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED
except honestly there was never any doubt
because what I forgot to tell you guys
is that prince five-weapons is actually THE BUDDHA IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION
yup
you just got tricked
you and everyone else
because I told this story wrong

but so yeah
now that he’s free, Buddha turns the ogre into a friendly ghost
who hangs out by the entrance to the forest and solicits donations
and everyone avoids eye contact with him and shoves their hands deep in their pockets

so the moral of the story
is that there is an invincible weapon inside all of us
that can overcome all enemies
it is called lying.

THE END.

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THE RING CYCLE is actually an event in men’s gymnastics

Guys, it just occurred to me
what the fuck is guff?
like when you refuse to take any guff
what exactly is it that you are turning down?
is it big wheelbarrows full of shit?
is guff like shit?
or is guff an unknown quantity in unlabeled brown paper
tied with twine
and it could be anything
it could be rubies or sex lasers
but you just turn it away at the door
just rejecting forklifts full of the stuff
no questions asked????

Think about that the next time you refuse some guff.

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The Six Sick Swans’ Slick Sis’s Speechless

Today’s tale was casually mentioned to me
by figure-skating femme fatale
CHRYSANTHEMUM BLADESTARR
here we go:

so there’s this king
he is terrible at hunting
because of how terrible he is, he gets lost in the woods
and he didn’t bring any GPS, so he has to use the closest fairytale equivalent:
WITCHES
so this witch is like hey king I will get you out of these woods
but first you have to promise to get YOUR wood into MY daughter
if you know what I mean
and the king is like ewwww
that is pretty much the worst way you could have said that
but I am lost in these woods and I will die otherwise
so I GUESS i will marry your incredibly hot daughter
I GUESS

so he does, and then they get out of the forest and he takes her back home
here is what everyone has forgotten, though
THE KING IS ALREADY MARRIED
HE HAS SEVEN KIDS
HE HAS SIX SONS AND A DAUGHTER
and I don’t know what the fuck he does with his old wife
but he is so scared of his new wife that he hides all of his kids in a TOWER IN THE WOODS
and the only way to find the tower is to use this magic ball of yarn he has
I guess he went through a lot of effort to prepare for something like this
he must get lost in the woods a lot

so he’s always going out to the woods to visit his kids
because he is not SUCH a terrible father
and eventually his new wife gets curious where he’s going
so she steals his magic yarn
and she goes to the tower
and all the kids think it’s their real mom, so the six brothers run out like HEYYYYY
and she’s like HEYYYY KIDS
PUT ON THESE SWEATERS I MADE YOU
THEY ARE SUPER WARM AND THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO SWANS
and the brothers are all like SQUAWK SQUAWK WE ARE SWANS NOW
and the sister is unaffected by all this
because SHE
is not a DUMBASS

so pretty soon the king shows up at the tower in the woods
and he finds that all his sons are gone
and he just has a daughter
so he abruptly stops giving a shit and never comes back to the tower ever again
and then the daughter decides that she’s going to go wander around in the woods for a while
and pretty soon she finds this abandoned-looking cottage
and out of some supernatural survival instinct, she decides to sleep UNDER the bed
maybe she is in shock
but it turns out pretty good
because not only is this house owned and operated by FIERCE BANDITS
but also this is apparently where her bros come every night
during the 15 minutes during which they are allowed to STOP BEING SWANS
so she sees them and she is like hey bros
pretty weird that you chose the robber house as your hangout of choice, but ok
any way for you guys to stop being swans permanently?
and her bros are like well it’s simple, really
you just have to not talk for six years
and during that time, you have to knit us six sweaters out of thistles
also you cannot laugh
and the sister is like DAMMIT, BUT THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS THOUGH

so her brothers leave
and she climbs up a tree and gets to work
good thing she brought her knitting needles on this aimless walk through the woods
and pretty soon a bunch of hunters show up
and they’re like hey gurl
and she doesn’t say anything, obviously
so they’re like hey gurl
hey
hey
and she still doesn’t say anything, so they keep yelling at her
until she finally takes off her gold necklace and throws it to them, hoping it will make them leave
why would it make them leave?
SHE JUST GAVE THEM GOLD
so they hang around, harassing her
until she throws her shoes at them
and then her girdle
and her underwear
she gets pretty much naked in the tree and the guys are like alright that’s enough
we’re kidnapping you now
this is too sexy for the forest.

so they bring her to their king
and their king is like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S HOT
AAAAND SHE CAN’T TALK?
WHERE DO I SIGN?
so they get married
because consent is not required for that in fairytales
but she doesn’t give a FUCK
she is just knitting those sweaters

but there is someone who does give a fuck
and that is the castle’s resident evil stepmother
seriously, this story is riddled with evil stepmothers
and this evil stepmother doesn’t like this silent chick for some reason
so what she does
is every time the king bones the sister
and the sister gets pregnant and have a baby
the stepmother sneaks in
steals the baby
kills the baby
then rubs blood all over the sister’s mouth
and then in the morning she’s like LOOK
SHE ATE THE BABY
PLEASE CONTINUE NOT SPEAKING TO INDICATE THAT YOU TOTALLY ATE THAT BABY
and the king keeps making apologies for her
but after this happens THREE TIMES
he’s like well
either my wife is actually eating these babies
or else she is a terribly neglectful mother to have let this happen three times
so either way
gotta set her on fire
everybody go get the wifeburning equipment
I’ve got a wife to burn

so now this chick has to knit with the quickness
and she does
she does a pretty good job
she finishes everything except for the last sleeve of the last sweater
and she brings them with her to the wifeburning
and then all her swanbros show up just in time to put them on
and then she can talk again so she’s like guys
I don’t know what the hell happened
but i didn’t keep my girlish figure by devouring babies
so maybe don’t burn me?
and everyone is like “that sounds reasonable”
and then they burn the stepmother instead
and everyone is happy forever
except for the one bro who has to have a swan wing for an arm forever
because his sister COULDN’T KNIT SIX SWEATERS IN SIX YEARS

so the moral of the story
is before you take a vow of silence
get a good lawyer

THE END.

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Shahmaran is Probably Delicious

First of all I just want to say
that whoever is responsible for all of these spam comments
that have suddenly started appearing on my site
I hope your nuts catch on fire
so that your only hope of saving yourself from total immolation
is to punch yourself in the balls OVER AND OVER AGAIN
when I walk down the street now
I am pointing a magnifying glass at EVERYONE I SEE
just in case one of them is you and I have an opportunity to immolate your battersatchels.

SO THERE’S THIS DUDE TAHMASP

He’s just a regular woodcutting guy
and you may have noticed that highly irregular things tend to happen to woodcutters in these stories
and this story is NO EXCEPTION
right out the gate, Tahmasp is walking with his friends in the woods
and they find a WELL FULL OF HONEY
So being an adventurous wood-cutty dude
Tahmasp climbs down into the well to help dig all the honey out
and he hands all of it to his friends
AND THEN THEY FUCKING DITCH HIM
no one told me that big sacks of honey made people forget the meaning of friendship
this may be helpful for my evil schemes…

anyway, now Tahmasp is stuck in this well
and he can’t get out
but luckily this well has a hole in it
so he stabs his knife in that hole, over and over again
until it gets big enough for him to crawl through
and he emerges in a chamber FULL OF SNAKES
GREAT
AT LEAST BEFORE, HE WAS SURROUNDED BY HONEY RESIDUE
NOW ALL OF THE HONEY IS GONE AND HE IS TRAPPED WITH SNAKES
QUICK RULE OF THUMB:
IF YOU ARE EVER IN AN UNDERGROUND SITUATION THAT WOULD MAKE EVEN INDIANA JONES SHIT HIS PANTS
YOU ARE BEYOND HELP, MY FRIEND

Except i guess things are not as bad as my yelling would imply
because in the middle of all these snakes
is a Shahmaran
which is basically like a mermaid
but with snake instead of fish
WAIT, HOW DOES THAT MAKE THINGS BETTER?
Oh, because the Shahmaran is actually pretty chilled out
she’s like what up dude
welcome to my cave full of snakes
would you like some breakfast?
and Tahmasp is like HELL YESS SEXY SNAKE LADY

so they have breakfast
and Shahmaran keeps Tahmasp entertained by telling him a LOT of stories about shit
I mean
not about actual literal shit
but about history and stuff like that
and Tahmasp finds this fascinating
just like he finds breakfast fascinating
just like anyone would find stories and breakfast fascinating after being TRAPPED IN A WELL
so they fall in love
due to what is known as the Stockholm Syndrome
but then Shahmaran runs out of stories and Tahmasp is like fuck this, I’m out of here
i think I even have a family or something?
And Shahmaran is like aww
well, I respect your decision
I guess I should have been more entertaining
can you at least make sure not to tell anybody where I live?
I hear people like to eat Shahmaran meat in order to gain ultimate wisdom
and that would sort of ruin my day if it happened to me
and Tahmasp is like yeah, no problem
and Shahmaran is like by the way
all of that boning that we did gave you this weird STD
that makes your skin turn into snake scales whenever you take a bath
so try not to take a bath with any other dudes
or else they will know that we boned
and Tahmasp is like …okay
I mean, I wasn’t planning on taking baths with a bunch of dudes
but thank you for the heads up I guess

So Tahmasp goes back to society
and he assiduously avoids bathing with any dudes
(assiduous: constant; unremitting
for all of you who are reading my blog instead of studying for the GRE)
but then something dumb happens:
the king gets sick
and his evil advisor
(why do kings always have these?)
is like hey king
I know this sounds like a long shot
but I have it on highly suspicious authority
that the only prescription for your fever is Shahmaran meat
and the king is like okay well there’s an intelligent way of attacking this problem:
let’s just have all of the dudes in the kingdom bathe together
and first of all that will be super hotttt
and second of all, then we will know who has banged a Shahmaran and we can torture them

so the secret police round everybody up and force them to take a bath
which is nice for everybody except Tahmasp
whose skin turns into snake scales
and then his wife leaves him
and then to top it all off he gets TORTURED
until he reveals where the Shahmaran lives
so they go grab her
and Tahmasp is like I AM SOOO SORRY
THEY DID THIS THING WHERE THEY STUCK A PEAR IN MY BUTT
IT HURT SO BAD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
and the Shahmaran is like no worries, dude
I understand
sometimes you just gotta betray a sacred trust
no big deal
but let me tell all you guys a secret:
my head
is TOTALLY POISONOUS
anyone who eats it will die instantly
but my tail:
FULL OF WISDOM
so of course the evil adviser immediately cuts her torso off and eats her tail
and then she dies
and Tahmasp is so bummed out about this that he decides to kill himself
BY EATING THE SHAHMARAN’S HEAD
GROSSSSSSSS
THERE HAVE GOT TO BE BETTER WAYS TO KILL YOURSELF, DUDE
THERE IS A SWORD
IN THE FUCKING ROOM
but it turns out Tahmasp made the right decision
because then the evil adviser dies
and Tahmasp gets ultimate wisdom
and the king dies of leukemia because no one was actually trying to cure his disease this whole time

so the moral of the story
is do not take dietary advice from anyone who lives in a cave and encourages cannibalism

THE END.

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The Emperor’s Terrible Fashion Sense

Oh man you guys are gonna love this one

So there’s this king, right?
oh I’m sorry
EMPEROR
does anyone know what the difference between a king and an emperor is?
is an emperor like
slightly more evil than a king?
or is an emperor just a king who has come into some extra syllables?
the point is that Emperor sounds sweeter
but king is easier to type
KING IT IS

so anyway
this king is a real fancypants
and not just pants
fancyjackets
fancyscarves
fancygoddamneverything
this king is dressed up fancier than a pimp at mardi gras is what I’m saying
and word gets around about the fanciness of this king’s pants
and so one day these two tailors show up at the court
they are not actually tailors though
they are actually just criminals
but apparently this king is too busy putting on diamond corsets to do background checks
so these criminals just waltz right in
and they’re like hey king
we are really great super legitimate tailors
like with the clothes-making and whatnot
and we are here to make you an offer so good
it is going to make all subsequent offers sound like someone shitting DIRECTLY IN YOUR EARHOLES
the offer is this:
we are going to make you a fabric SO FINE
that only cool people can see it
and the king is like DEAR GOD YES

wait okay time out
there seems to me to be a big flaw in this plan from the very beginning
leaving aside for a moment the obvious flaw that the FABRIC IS NOT REAL
and that is
you have to assume that the majority of any given population is not cool
unless you are talking about the population Rad Al’s Cool n’ Pool Billiards
where only cool people are allowed
but my point is
that if you buy clothes that are only visible to cool people
you are going to look like a crazy naked dude about NINETY PERCENT OF THE TIME
and it doesn’t matter how cool the other ten percent of people think you are
because for the average guy on the street
you are that dude who just pimp-strutted out of the 7-11 with his balls flapping in the breeze
I mean okay I guess you could pull it off with the right amount of swagger
but my friends
i do not think there is enough swagger on a whole dumptruck full of cowboys
to make a pasty fashion obsessed king look cool with his wibblies out

ANYWAY
so the king gives these rascals a big sack of gold
and a big sack of gold THREAD
which they really do succeed at turning invisible
through the time-tested magic of pawn-shops
and then after about a week of demanding more thread and whores and stuff
they finally waltz into the king’s throne room
carrying a big armful of nothing
like hey
here’s the fabric
pretty neat, huh?
and the king is like uh
um
YEAH
OH MAN IT’S SO GREAT
GOOD THING I’M SO COOL OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING AT ALL
and everyone else is like OH YES WHAT LOVELY FABRIC THAT IS
IT IS GOOD TO BE COOL OH YES IT CERTAINLY IS
and these two miscreants then proceed to fake tailor a suit for the king
and then they’re like alright dude
take off all those lame VISIBLE clothes
so we can help you put on these AMAZING NEW ONES
so the king is kind of nervous about this
but he’s also kind of a dumbass
and he’s super committed to this lie by this point
so he takes off his clothes
and they put the suit on him
and he does not find it odd that not only can he not see the clothes
but he can’t FEEL the clothes either
because they are NOT REAL CLOTHES
they are LIES
told by CRIMINALS
which is actually how I feel about a lot of clothes
especially certain kinds of bras
and also those underwears that make your junk look huge
but anyway the king is like okay great I wore the clothes
now I can go back to my regularly scheduled other clothes, right?
and everyone is like WRONG
see, you got all your subjects really hyped up about these new clothes
and now they totally wanna see them
and simultaneously find out who’s not cool enough to see them
SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE HAVING A PARADE
and the king is like oh
…good

so the whole kingdom gathers around
to watch the king wave his dick at traffic
and everyone in the crowd is like OH WOW
WHAT NICE CLOTHES THE EMPEROR HAS ON
IT’S SURE GREAT NOT BEING AN UNCOOL JACKASS
OH YES CERTAINLY
and the king is like WHY ARE ALL MY SUBJECTS COOLER THAN ME
and then this little kid pops up
which
let me just say
is a TRAVESTY
like kids are generally not very cool by default
unless they wear sunglasses and smoke cigarettes
so why would you bring your kids to go see a naked old dude ride down the street in a chariot
oh yeah
probably because it’s HILARIOUS
but anyway this one kid runs right up to the emperor and he’s like YO DUDE
YOU’RE FUCKING NAKED DUDE
and the king is like WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT
but it’s too late for censorship
the naked cat is out of the bag
and it is in heat
and that metaphor got real gross real fast
but yeah everyone starts laughing at the king
and the fake tailors are long gone
and the king has the kid executed for embarrassing him
but it could be worse
he could’ve had a boner

so the moral of the story
is always dress in layers

THE END.

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THE RING CYCLE actually sounds more like a vehicle from TRON now that I think about it

Alright so I’m kinda cheating a little bit today
in that I am not going to write a myth
I am just posting this video myth
because I have to pack in preparation for flying back to bumfuck antarctica, Illinois
but this is a pretty sweet video though so i think it’s okay
and anyway maybe I’ll post a myth tomorrow or something
WHO KNOWS??????

I’ll tell you who knows
THE SHADOW KNOWS

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The Walrus and the Carpenter are Cold-Blooded Psychopaths

ah, the beach

the sand is sandy
the water is wet
basically
everything is doing its job
including the sun
which is doing its job a little too hard
because its shift is over and it is actually the moon’s turn
it’s night time is what I’m trying to say
it’s weird
this is a weird story

but none of this weirdness seems to bother the walrus and the carpenter
presumably because they are a walrus and a carpenter
have you seen the kind of shit carpenters get into?
the mere fact that his friend of choice is a walrus speaks volumes
anyway the only thing they’re really concerned about
is all this fucking sand
like
they’re walking down the beach like aww man
who put all this sand here
why don’t they send someone by to clean this shit up

but pretty soon they forget about the sand
because they are terrible people and they have to start doing terrible things now
so they walk up to these oysters that are hanging out in their oyster bed
and they’re like hey
oysters
wanna go for a walk?
I hear that walking is something oysters are really great at
and the oldest oyster is having none of it
this is
in fact
how he got to be the oldest oyster
but ALL THE OTHER OYSTERS are like YAYYY
WALKING
and they swarm up on the walrus like WHEEEEEE
WE ARE SO FAT AND OUT OF SHAPE AND ALSO OYSTERS
ALSO
WHY ARE WE WEARING CLOTHES
WHY ARE WE WEARING SHOES
WE DO NOT HAVE FEET
WE DON’T EVEN REALLY HAVE SKIN
WE ARE OYSTERS
but it’s okay

so after they walk for a long time
eventually the walrus and the carpenter sit their asses down on a rock
and all the oysters are like okay
we’re here
now what?
and the walrus is like WELL
(the walrus can totaly talk by the way
pretty smart walrus)
WELL
let’s just kinda hang out
talk about some shit
like shoes and boats and those weird things with the screws that you put inside shoes
are they called shoeboats?
also maybe home decorating and politics
and the oysters are like well okay
that’s sort of boring
but uh
oh shit
what’s this
(they are saying that because the walrus and the carpenter are eating them now)

yeah so these two bastards proceed to eat all their friends other than each other
with vinegar and salt and pepper and bread and butter
which means that they definitely planned for this shit
this wasn’t a spur of the moment
crime of passion kinda thing
this was premeditated oyster genocide
and then they are done
and they express some kind of token sorrow over the massacre
and then they’re like COME NOW OYSTERS
LET US HEAD BACK NOW
blatantly forgetting that they just ATE ALL THE GODDAMN OYSTERS
so i dunno
maybe they’re not straight up murderers
maybe they are just insane murderers with short term memory loss
that’s better, right?

so the moral of the story
and I’ve always said this
is that there is nothing more dangerous
than an educated walrus

THE END.

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Macbeth is a Pussy

Sup guys

today I am going to tell you a story about a guy
who sucks so bad you aren’t even allowed to say his name in theaters anymore
his name is
MACBETH

okay so Macbeth is actually pretty legit at the beginning
he is out on all the battlefields stomping faces
some dudes are standing by the battlefields like WHOA
DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE FACES MACBETH JUST STOMPED
SO MANY FACES
and then the battle is over and apparently this one Thane
which is like scottish for “super important dude”
was totally a little traitor bitch so they had to execute him
and since Macbeth stomped so many faces he gets to be the new Thane
he’s already a thane actually but now he gets to be TWO THANES

so meanwhile cut to macbeth
he doesn’t know about that shit yet
and he’s just strolling through all the faces he just stomped
along with his best bro banquo
and all of a sudden the two of them run up on some WITCHES
and they’re like WHOA
WITCHES
WHY YOU LADIES SO UGLY?
DO YOU REALIZE
YOU HAVE BEARDS?!
and the witches are like bro we have better things to do than worry about shaving
congrats on your new promotion by the way
and Macbeth is like uh what promotion
and the witches are like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
WE HAVE PROPHECIES
PROPHECY NUMBER ONE:
MACBETH
YOU ARE GOING TO BE KING
PROPHECY NUMBER TWO:
BANQUO
YOU ARE GOING TO GET SO MURDERED DUDE
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE KING SO THAT’S OKAY KIND OF?
and Macbeth is like whoa
Banquo
looks like you got the short end of the murderstick buddy
hope this doesn’t cause any bad blood between us
and Banquo is like I am 100% sure that it will not
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
then some dudes show up and tell Macbeth that he is now TWO THANES
and his mind is TOTALLY BLOWN

so pretty much the first thing Macbeth does
is he writes a letter to his wife
whose name is Lady Macbeth
which begs the question
if you name is Macbeth
why would you marry someone named Lady Macbeth
that seems like you are just ASKING for incest at that point
but anyway he writes her this letter about all the stuff with the witches
and Lady Macbeth gets it and she’s like WHOA
DUDES I AM TOTALLY GONNA BE A QUEEN UP IN HERE
BUT WAIT
my husband is ambitious and everything
but he’s WAYYYY too much of a pussy to do any serious kingmurdering
which is how I figure this whole prophecy thing is gonna get done
so okay
I’m just gonna grit my teeth
and pop a squat
and try to grow as many balls as I can before my husband gets home

so Macbeth gets home and Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND WE MUST MURDER THE KING
and Macbeth is like whoa
whoa
where did all these balls come from
i am seriously about to trip on them this is unpleasant
and Lady Macbeth is like NO TIME FOR THAT
INVITE KING DUNCAN OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A SWEET PARTY
LEAVE THE MURDER PLANS TO ME
I HAVE SO MANY BALLS THEY ARE WORKING IN PARALLEL THEY ARE PLANNING SO MANY MURDERS
so Macbeth is pretty nervous about this
but he says ok
and he invites Duncan over to his place
Duncan, by the way, is not only the king
he is also related to macbeth
also since Macbeth has invited him over
he is also a guest in macbeth’s home
and normally you don’t stab your guests to death
it is just kind of not polite
so that’s three very good reasons for Macbeth NOT to murder this guy
not to mention the fact that Duncan has just made SOME OTHER DUDE his heir
some dude named Malcolm
who i think is his son?
So I’m not even sure what Macbeth expects to gain from this murder
like
is the plan to just keep murdering kings until they run out of kings
and they have to use Macbeth?
AND ON TOP OF THAT
didn’t the witches just hand him down a prophecy
that told him he was gonna become king?
like isn’t that a thing from the future that is totally guaranteed to happen?
why does he even need to murder anyone?
why doesn’t he just chill out and take a nap
and have someone wake him up when the prophecy is fulfilled?
This is like if someone prophesied that you were gonna get fifty bucks
and your response was to go outside and immediately murder someone for their wallet
or actually more like
if someone made a date with you for thursday night
but it was monday night
so you just murdered everyone else they knew
until they had no choice but to go on a date with you immediately
which is actually my dating strategy now that I think about it

but there is one simple all-consuming reason for macbeth to go through with it
which is that if he doesn’t
his wife will totally call him a pussy FOREVER
so obviously that trumps everything else
and then true to her word
Lady Macbeth comes up with a pretty okay plan
basically the plan is
Macbeth stabs Duncan in his sleep
then Lady Macbeth passes out bloody knives to all of Duncan’s sleeping guards
and then they tell everyone the guards did it
and apparently suffer from narcolepsy?
but there is sort of a hitch in the plan
which is that no sooner has Macbeth done the murder part
then these two dudes Macduff and Lennox show up at the castle
they get let in by this doorman who is just SHITFACED
seriously this dude fell off the wagon so hard he is drinking with the mole-men
waddling up to the door talking to scottish noblemen about piss and sex
it’s great
it’s the only great thing that happens to anyone in this play
but so yeah Macbeth has to go deal with Macduff and Lennox
he’s like HEY GUYS
THE KING IS SLEEPING
DON’T BELIEVE ME?
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU HIS-ohhhh snap
looks like the king got stabbed by his retainers
who then fell asleep just outside of his room
because you know
murdering is pretty tiring
I mean
so I’ve heard
LET ME JUST MURDER ALL THESE CLEARLY GUILTY GUARDS BEFORE THEY CAN WAKE UP
AND TELL ANY LIES ABOUT HOW IT WAS ME THAT DID THE STABBING OR SOMETHING
and then afterwards he feels really bad about this
because he just murdered like a dozen innocent people
but his wife is like dude chill out
just wash the blood off your hands and BAM
PROBLEM SOLVED

wait no
no no no
not problem solved
no problems are ever solved in this play
they just affix problems together using a thick mortar of MORE PROBLEMS
see, the murders do not stop with Duncan
no no no
cause right after those murders
Malcolm flips his shit and decides to run away to England
and Macbeth actually does become king by some crazy coincidence
and he just wastes absolutely no time at all
in becoming crazy paranoid about his best bro Banquo
who you may remember was prophesied to get totally murdered
and I GUESS MACBETH IS JUST GOING TO MANUALLY FULFILL ALL THE PROPHECIES NOW
jeeze
this guy has no finesse at all
but you know what they say
when the only tool you have is a hammer
everybody starts to look like a problem

so Macbeth hires some dudes to murder banquo
and they do murder banquo
but they don’t murder banquo’s son
who is prophesied to be king
and who we will never hear from again for the rest of the play
because Shakespeare is totally setting shit up for MACBETH 2:
THE SCOTTISH SLAY

but anyway yeah then Macbeth immediately goes to dinner
and I guess he forgot to cancel Banquo’s invitation to the dinner
because Banquo is TOTALLY SITTING IN MACBETH’S SEAT
talk about rude
actually it’s fine
it’s just Banquo’s ghost
Macbeth could totally just sit inside of him and no one would care
but instead he just stands in the middle of the dining room
screaming at a ghost no one else can see
and Lady Macbeth is like haha guys don’t worry about my husband
he is just under a lot of stress from all the murders he hasn’t committed
he’s been sooooooo busy not committing murders
and we’re scottish
so that’s like
hard
(PSST MACBETH CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS)
but Macbeth’s tits will not be calmed
he just goes right on screaming at that ghost
until everyone gets uncomfortable and leaves
and then Lady Macbeth is like HUSBAND
WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL MY DINNER PARTIES WITH YOUR GUILT-INDUCED SCHIZOPHRENIA?

okay what the fuck is Lady Macbeth’s problem
we have already established that these murders are totally unnecessary
and plus there are a ton of really great reasons for not doing them
and yet this woman is basically riding her husband bareback
spurring him onwards towards basically every murder it is possible to commit
did she at some point wake up
and decide that the world was suffering from a deficit of terrible people?
does she just have a swollen bitch gland?
is she actually just two cthulus in a ladysuit?
all are plausible explanations
but none can say for sure

oh yeah and also apparently Macbeth is a TERRIBLE king
like supernaturally terrible
like so terrible that Scotland is plunged into eternal night
and the horses are all eating each other
which up until this point I thought was pretty regular for scotland
but everybody is pretty pissed about it so I dunno
and meanwhile Macbeth is pretty miserable
and his wife’s brain is slowly melting
and honestly at this point I have no idea why this guy wanted to be a king
it’s not like he’s bathing in a molten pool of gold and whores or anything
he is pretty much just wandering through a labyrinth of medieval horror
finding more and more efficient ways to hate himself

but so in order to quell his crippling paranoia
he goes and hits up those witches from earlier
because, you know
everything they’ve said so far has turned out SO GREAT
and the witches are like oh dude, don’t even worry
here
let us summon this bloodsoaked baby to tell you about how invincible you are
and the baby is like sup dude
you cannot be killed by any man who was birthed by a woman
also:
you see that forest over there?
your castle will remain blissfully unfucked until THAT forest
runs up the hill to YOUR CASTLE
and Macbeth is like BOY
THIS IS CERTAINLY REASSURING
NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME I’M UNKILLABLE OR SOMETHING
WOOOOOOOOOOO
then he goes ahead and kills Macduff’s whole family for some reason
presumably because he is nervous

meanwhile in England
Malcolm is pretty pissed about the whole murder thing that Macbeth did
plus he hears that Scotland is turning into basically the shittiest place ever
so he asks the king of england if he can borrow like ten thousand dudes
and the king of england is like sure dude
I’ve got guys ALL OVER THE PLACE down here
and then Macduff shows up
because he is ALSO pissed off about the whole murder thing
specifically the whole murdering his entire family thing
and he convinces Malcolm that he wants to help him kill Macbeth
basically by helping Malcolm insult himself a whole bunch
and then the two of them grab all their dudes and march back to Scotland

BACK IN SCOTLAND:
Macbeth hears about this huge dudemarch
and he’s kinda pissed
but he’s also pretty sure he’s immortal
so he’s not too worried
except that usually when you are not too worried
you do not insist on putting on your armor WEEKS IN ADVANCE
then run around your house screaming at everyone about how unworried you are
so uh
maybe he is a little scared
also his wife dies
after spending several weeks sleepwalking
for the express purpose of telling ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN
about ALL THE MURDERS
SERIOUSLY?!
COME ON
LADY MACBETH
YOU CANNOT PUSSYWHIP YOUR IMPRESSIONABLE DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND INTO MURDERING EVERYONE
THEN TURN AROUND AND THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAPPEN TO BE ASLEEP AND CRAZY
OH WHAT
YOU FEEL GUILTY NOW?
IS THAT IT?
WOMAN
FEELING GUILTY AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE TRYING TO CHOKE A BABY WITH A CONDOM
TOO LITTLE
TOO LATE
but then yeah she’s dead so that’s fine
no one even really notices because by this point all the dudes have arrived
and also Macbeth is screaming way too loud

so Malcolm and Macduff are commanding this army
and they figure that a really great strategy for hiding their numbers
is to just uproot a whole bunch of trees from a nearby forest
and hold them in front of themselves as they march up the hill to Macbeth’s castle
which is a plan taken straight out of Looney Tunes
like
seriously guys?
you expect Macbeth to look out over his ramparts
and be like oh
no worries
I was expecting ten thousand dudes
but this is just ten thousand MOVING TREES
no see what Macbeth does
is he sees these trees
and he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT
because obviously this means his castle is about to get mega invaded
but he’s like oh well
at least I’m still unkillable, right?
RIGHT GUYS?
fuck this I’m just gonna go downstairs and stab everybody

so he does
and he’s pretty much killing all the guy ever
it is a good reminder of how cool he used to be
back at the beginning of the play when he was stomping all the faces
except now the faces he is stomping
are the faces of ALL THE GOOD GUYS
until finally Macduff rolls up on him like hey man
what’s good
I have this sword and it is really heavy
can I just leave it inside your chest for a minute
and Macbeth is like HAHA DIDN’T YOU HEAR
NO MAN OF WOMAN BORN CAN SLAY MACBETH
and Macduff is like oh
well uh
do you happen to have a hundred and eighty-thousand dollars
and seven to eight years of free time?
and Macbeth is like well I am a king and I am immortal so I would say yeah
and Macduff is like good
BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU TO MED SCHOOL BITCH
I WAS BORN VIA C-SECTION
WHICH MEANS NO WOMAN BIRTHED ME
WHICH MEANS I AM THE DUDE
WHO IS GOING TO BE CHAPERONING THIS ONE-MAN MURDERPROM
and Macbeth is like wait
doesn’t it still count as being of woman born
even if it was a C-section?
I mean
you came out of a woman, right?
that’s where you came from
wouldn’t it have made more sense for me to be killed by a woman
that seems a lot less open to interpretation
might have been a more satisfying resolution is all I’m saying
and Macduff is like dude
remember how we had to find a prepubescent boy to play your wife?
we’re all dudes living in Elizabethan England
we’re pretty sexist
and Macbeth is like okay fair point
and the Macduff kills him

so yayyyy
macbeth is dead
Malcolm gets to be king
and he pretty much can’t help but be a better king than Macbeth
literally all he has to do is have it not be eternal night
and maybe refrain from murdering ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE
and then the sequel Banquo’s son comes back
WITH A VENGEANCE

so the moral of the story
is if you are having a hard time securing that promotion at work
consider murder
it’s a great short term solution

THE END

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Jumping Mouse Has Crazy Healing Powers

So mice

we have them in my apartment
also my house
they eat things and it sucks
but imagine how much worse it would be if they could do this:

so one day this mouse gets fed up hearing all these fairy tales
about crazy mystical far off lands
and he’s like FUCK STORIES
I’m going to go to those far off lands MYSELF
so this mouse just picks a direction and starts walking

but almost immediately problems start happening
because like ten feet from the mouse’s house is a river
and mice suck at rivers
so he’s sitting there trying to figure out what to do
when a frog jumps out of the river like WHAT’S UP MOUUUUUSE
and the mouse is like uh
how do I cross this river?
and the frog is like oh, that’s easy
just swim
and the mouse is like oh … ok
and the frog is like why do you wanna cross the river anyway?
and the mouse is like well I am just trying to get to the magical fairytale kingdom
and the frog is like well that sounds reasonable
here:
let me give you
SUPERPOWERS
I HEREBY NAME YOU
JUMPING MOUSE
and ho-lee shit
this mouse suddenly has incredible frog jumps
superman leaps
man these are some hops you could brew beer with is what I am saying
and the mouse is like THANKS MAGIC FROG
and the frog is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
ANYWAY GOOD LUCK

so jumping mouse is jumping along
and he runs up on a buffalo that is passed out in the grass
and he’s like hey buffalo
what the fuck is wrong with you
and the buffalo is like dude
I totally went blind from drinking too much
and now I am so screwed
aaaaaaa
and jumping mouse is like dude it’s okay
don’t you know that I have BASICALLY NECROMANCY POWERS?
HERE
HAVE MY EYES
and he straight gives his eyes to the buffalo
and the buffalo is like HOLY SHIT THIS WORKS SOMEHOW
SORRY YOU’RE BLIND NOW LITTLE DUDE
LET ME GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE MOUNTAINS
I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM EAGLES
WHICH ARE THE GREATEST DANGER TO TRAVELING MICE
NOT THAT THERE ARE REALLY A LOT OF TRAVELING MICE
BUT WHATEVER DUDE
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE
so that is what the buffalo does
but then it turns out buffalos are useless and can’t climb mountains
so jumping mouse is left to crawl blindly up the rest of the way
and halfway up he just runs STRAIGHT INTO A WOLF
and instead of eating him
like a REAL WOLF
the wolf is like BOO HOO HOO I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL
and jumping mouse is like oh no problem dude
HAVE MINE
and the wolf is so grateful
that he CONTINUES TO FAIL TO EAT JUMPING MOUSE
and in fact gives him a ride to the bottom of the mountain
protecting him from terrifying eagles the entire way
not that jumping mouse can even really tell at this point
because he is BLIND AND CANNOT SMELL

so he’s down in the valley
which turns out to be the magic fairy kingdom lands
and suddenly he hears this creepy voice up in his ear
like congratulations jumping mouse
it is i
magic frog
apparently I knew a faster way to get here the whole time
but enough about me
it is time for you to JUMP JUMP JUMP
and jumping mouse is like seriously dude?
I am kind of mourning the loss of about half my senses
and the frog is like YOU ARE FORGETTING ABOUT THE SIXTH SENSE:
JUMPING
and so jumping mouse starts jumping
and then all of a sudden his arms turn into wings
and his sight comes back
and also his smell
and he is just soaring all the fuck over everywhere
and the frog is like CONGRATULATIONS JUMPING MOUSE
IN RETURN FOR YOUR GENEROSITY
YOU GET TO BE AN EAGLE
and Jumping Mouse is like whoa
i should probably get a different name huh?

So the moral of the story
is give away all your organs
and you can BECOME YOUR GREATEST ENEMY

The end

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