The Wizard of Oz is an Exercise in Futility

So Dorothy

She’s real bored
and she lives in a monochromatic version of Kansas
Her last name is Gale
This is what is known as foreshadowing
because pretty much immediately this storm starts happening
as storms tend to do in Kansas
it rips up all the animals and kills her family
and then tears her house out of the ground and throws witches at it until it crashes
and then Dorothy wakes up and walks outside into a TECHNICOLOR WONDERLAND
this wonderland is full of midgets
and Dorothy has inadvertently murdered an old woman
whose shoes she is encouraged to steal
and this is all pretty disconcerting
so she asks the midgets if they know how to get back to Kansas
and they’re like OH SURE
JUST WALK ON THIS ROAD MADE OUT OF YELLOW BRICKS
and Dorothy is like oh well that’s convenient
does it lead back to Kansas?
and they’re like NOPE
IT LEADS TO A HUGE EMERALD CASTLE
OWNED BY A SHADY-ASS WIZARD
WHO WILL PROBABLY FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO TELEPORT YOU HOME OR SOMETHING
SORRY
THAT IS THE BEST WE’VE GOT
WE ARE A COMMUNITY OF BLUE MIDGETS WITH A GOVERNMENT THAT INCLUDES A LOLLIPOP GUILD
WE ARE NOT EXPERT CIVIL ENGINEERS

so since she pretty much has no other option
Dorothy sucks it up and starts walking down this crazy road
oh, also there is a good witch that blesses her or something?
whatever
anyway, pretty soon she runs into this scarecrow
who is REALLY BAD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS
and also can talk
and is severely depressed because he has no brain
although how is that possible
and also
HOLY SHIT A TALKING SCARECROW
jesus
anyway he agrees to come with Dorothy to see the wizard
because if the wizard has teleportation powers
he probably also has brain-transplanting powers
so they walk for a while
and the conversation kinda drags a little because hey
no brain

so they keep walking and pretty soon they run into this robot
the robot is rusted real bad
so he can’t move basically at all
but there’s some oil nearby
which they apply to the robot
and then the robot wakes up like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN UNSPEAKABLE HELL
I WAS THERE FOR LIKE 11 MILLION YEARS
AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY DEVOUR ALL OF A MAN’S COMPASSION
AND I’M NOT EVEN A MAN
I DIDN’T HAVE COMPASSION TO BEGIN WITH
SO NOW I HAVE LIKE
NEGATIVE COMPASSION
I EXIST ONLY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF PURE UNBLINKING HATRED
I AM A TOOL OF A COLD STEEL SATAN IN A TITANIUM HELL
and Dorothy is like holy shit dude
you better come with us and see if the wizard can give you a heart or something
and the tin man is like GOOD
I DEVOUR HEARTS

so they roll out
and pretty soon they are passing through some spooky woods
and BAM
here comes a lion
except bam is not a sound lions make
more like GRUUUUARGH
except more like OH SHIT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFRAID RIGHT NOWWWWWW
because this is no ordinary lion
this is a lion with PTSD
i mean if you think about it
lions see some pretty fucked up shit
sometimes the lions are the ones DOING the fucked up shit
which is probably even worse
so this lion is a shell-shocked wreck
he basically lunges into the clearing just in time to start pissing himself
and Dorothea is like uh ok eww
um
we’re going to a wizard?
maybe he can give you some balls?
and the lion is like I WILL GO WHEREVER YOU SAY JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

so now dorothea’s rolling along with a lobotomy patient, a sociopath and a lion
and also some jerk witch has been fucking with them this whole time
like setting them on fire and laughing her dumb witch laugh
and peering at them through her crystal ball like that evil chick from Power Rangers
until finally she just says fuck it
and just kidnaps everyone with flying monkeys
or maybe she steals something later in the story and they have to go get it?
I forget
the book and the movie are wildly different on this point
and then someone wrote another book that was like
despicable pro-witch propaganda or some shit
further confusing the point
which is
that Dorothea straight handles with witch
by like filling up a bathtub
but then fucking up while she’s filling it
and accidentally splashing water on the witch
because I guess she’s working for the witch or something?
and then the witch melts
because apparently she is made of cotton candy
which i suppose is a point in favor of her not being evil
but also raises the question:
HOW DID SHE LIVE THIS LONG????
1) Water is literally EVERYWHERE
2) Cotton candy is DELICIOUS
but anyway she’s dead now
we can get back to the story

SO THEY GET BACK ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
and pretty soon they are in this big field full of poppies
which are famous for their super delicious opium
and they are like wading through these poppies
and just getting SO FUCKED UP
except just Dorothea and the lion
the Tin man and the scarecrow are constructs with no soul
plus they party harder than pretty much any living creature
so they are more or less unfazed
and they end up getting saddled with the task
of dragging Dorothea’s sweet zonked-out ass to safety
AND THEN THEY GET TO THAT EMERALD PLACE

so the emerald city is pretty sweet
it’s got like rainbow horses and more midgets and expert hair stylists
and also
THIS WIZARD THEY’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
but it turns out this wizard is just a giant green head projected on some crystals
so basically like Zordon from the power rangers
in fact I’m pretty sure this story is just a cover of the power rangers
but anyway then it turns out he’s not even THAT
like, he’s being all snarky with his giant head
and then they run up and break his crystals and shit
and it turns out he’s just some balding motherfucker in a sound booth
pulling levers and shooting out flares and yelling about how great he is
and they’re like aww man
talk about disappointing
and the guy is like no, no, no
it’s totally cool guys
I can definitely solve all your problems
you
Scarecrow:
you are a scarecrow
you are not supposed to have a brain
that would be weird
and in fact
the fact that you walked all the way here
and are capable of making any semblance of conversation
is pretty remarkable/terrifying on its own
so I think you’re coming out ahead of the game
and you
Lion:
DRUG THERAPY!
and you
Tin Man:
you are a horrifying monstrosity of modern engineering
uh
you can kill all my midgets
I’m about to skip out of town anyway
on this hot air balloon I have
which I guess solves Dorothea’s problem
because we are about to totally balloon our way out of this technicolor crazyland

so they get on the balloon
or rather
the dude gets on the balloon
but he sucks at balloons
so Dorothea gets totally left behind
and she’s like aw fuck
now what
and the midgets
(at least the ones the tin man has not already destroyed)
are like HEY REMEMBER THAT GOOD FAIRY WITCH FROM THE BEGINNING
YOU SHOULD ASK HER
and so the good witch appears
and Dorothea is like sup witch
and the witch is like hey so remember those shoes you stole way back at the beginning
those are teleport shoes
they will teleport you to your house
and Dorothea is like SERIOUSLY?
YOU’RE TELLING ME I BUSTED MY ASS FOR LIKE WEEKS
MELTED A WITCH
GOT FUCKED UP ON OPIUM AND SET ON FIRE AND MOLESTED BY MONKEYS
TO SHOW UP AT A DRUNK WIZARD’S HOUSE AND WATCH HIM DESERT ME IN A HOT AIR BALLOON
ALL SO THAT YOU COULD SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE
WITH YOUR FANCY PRANCY HOOP SKIRT
AND TELL ME THE POWER WAS INSIDE MY FUCKING SHOES THIS WHOLE TIME?
WHAT IF MY SHOES BROKE
WHAT IF I TRADED THEM IN FOR MORE COMFORTABLE SHOES
THESE ARE HIGH HEELS
MADE OF RUBIES
MY FEET ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT BLISTERS AT THIS POINT
okay
whatever
I’m going home
and then she does
and her family is probably still dead
but at least she got to get fucked up on opium

so the moral of the story
is before you set off on any epic and dangerous journeys
probably check your shoes

THE END.

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Hans-My-Hedgehog is Just Some Dude’s Crazy Acid Trip

Hey guys
I know I have been slacking recently on site maintenance stuff
like specifically
I have not updated the smorgasbord in FOREVER
I have been busy getting laid or sleeping or something
look the point is that I will update that thing soon
like, TOMORROW

but so anyway
this gently vibrating pile of crazy comes courtesy of fierce culinary Majordomo
Col. Freddy “Eviscerlicious” Cannonfried
it is about uh
well
yes.

So there’s this farmer
his life is pretty okay
pretty standard farmer’s life
except for one problem
this guy’s dick don’t work
he cannot have kids FOR THE LIFE OF HIM
and every time he goes into town to buy shit or sell shit
all the other farmers are like HEY
IT’S SERGEANT DICK-DON’T-WORK REPORTING FOR DUTY
HEY SERGEANT
HEARD YOUR SERVICE RIFLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FLOPPY
EH?
GET IT?
CAUSE YOUR DICK DON’T WORK?
SEE, BY SERVICE RIFLE WE MEANT YOUR PENIS
and obviously sergeant dick-don’t-work gets sick of this shit pretty fast

so one day he arrives home after a barrage of this shit
and he’s like OKAY
I AM GOING TO HAVE A KID
I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND OF KID
IT COULD BE A HEDGEHOG FOR ALL I CARE
and the NEXT FUCKING DAY his wife is pregnant
and then nine months later she gives birth to a fucking HEDGEHOG MINOTAUR
by which i mean a half-hedgehog half-human
everyone is pretty freaked out by the baby obviously
especially the mom
who just had to push this spiny monstrosity out her babyhole
and she’s like what did you do, husband?
how many times do I have to tell you
WE LIVE IN FAIRYTALE LAND
STUPID WISHES LIKE THAT COME TRUE ON A REGULAR BASIS
and sgt dick-don’t-work is like no honey it’s fine
we’ll just get him baptized and then hide him behind our stove for 8 years
SO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO

so after 8 years of being stashed behind a cast iron box that shits fire
this hedgehog is pretty tough
also magical
so it is no suprise when he suddenly asks his father for bagpipes
wait, what?
first of all
what?
and second of all
I thought this was a german fairytale
what are bagpipes doing in here?
but anyway he says that if his dad buys him some bagpipes
and also puts horseshoes on this rooster he apparently owns
he will ride away on the rooster and never come back
and his dad is like NICE
WE WERE TOTALLY THINKING ABOUT USING THAT SPACE BEHIND THE STOVE FOR STORAGE
HERE’S AN INSTRUMENT AND SOME WEIRD HORSESHOES
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

so the hedgehog dude gets the fuck out of the house
actually he is named Hans-My-Hedgehog
because apparently that is the ONLY NAME HE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE BY LAW
they can’t just call him hedgehog
or mittens
no, no
ONLY THE NAME WITH ALL THE HYPHENS
but fuck that
this dude will be referred to as SONIC

so Sonic goes into the woods
with some pigs and some donkeys
and he flies up into a tree with his rooster
and he just sits down
and stares at those pigs and donkeys
FOR SEVERAL YEARS
until they all start fucking and breeding more pigs and donkeys
and meanwhile some local king gets lost in the woods
and he hears some beautiful bagpipe music
and he finds Sonic sitting pretty up in his tree
and he’s like HELLO MAGICAL HEDGEHOG MUSIC MAN
and Sonic is like YO, CROWN DUDE
and the king is like I WONDER IF YOU COULD DIRECT ME TO MY CASTLE
and Sonic is like yeah sure
i know where all that kind of shit is
but it’s gonna cost you
I want a written agreement
that says I get whatever greets you first when you get home
and the king is like hahaha what a douchebag
hedgehogs can’t read
so he says oh yeah, sure man
I totally agree to that
lemme just write it down right here…
and he just writes TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS all over the piece of paper
and signs it
and Sonic leads him home and he feels pretty good about himself
then his daughter turns out to be the first person/thing to greet him
PREDICTABLY
and he’s like haha that hedgehog guy wanted to bang you
but I TOTALLY tricked him and now it’s fine
TOTALLY FINE FOREVER

MEANWHILE
Sonic is back in his tree
playing the bagpipes and watching pigs fuck
classy times all around
when ANOTHER king comes stumbling into his woods
WOODS:
CAN’T FIND YOUR KING?
PROBABLY HE JUST SUCKS AT HIKING
and this other king sees Sonic and he’s like WHOA
CRAZY HEDGEHOG MUSIC GUY
and the whole scenario plays out almost exactly like before
except instead of trying to screw over sonic
the king just flat out agrees to the terms
and is really cool about the whole thing
even when it turns out he’s gonna have to marry his daughter
to a furry

but so several weeks pass
and at this point Sonic has so many pigs that they have FILLED THE ENTIRE FOREST
YEAH
LOTS
so he takes them all and he herds them all to his dad’s house
like
all eight billion pigs
and he’s like HEY DAD
COME SLAUGHTER THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF PIGS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS
I HAVE RETURNED HOME
and his dad is like how about you return to my ballsack
oh shit I didn’t mean that to sound weird
I meant I wish you’d never been born
and Sonic is like hey dad
that’s totally cool
we all have our problems in life
your dick don’t work
I am a magic talking hedgehog child
let’s put our differences behind us like adults
and then you can go about putting horseshoes on my rooster again
and then once you do that
you don’t have to see me ever again if you don’t want
and his dad is like NIIIICE.

so then Sonic goes around to collect his booty
and he shows up at King 1′s place
but the king has ordered all his guards to just kill Sonic on sight
because the king is the type of king who likes to hoard sexy daughters
and a mutant hedgehog suitor kind of throws a wrench in that plan
but Sonic just runs REALLY FAST or something
and then flies his rooster up to the king’s window like YO
GIRL OR DEATH
and the king is like OKAY FINE TAKE THE GIRL JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME
so Sonic takes the girl
flies away on his rooster
then when they get a couple miles away
he proceeds to STRIP HER NAKED AND STAB HER WITH HIS SPINES
like THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A TOTAL JERK
then he leaves her in the middle of nowhere
and goes to the palace of King 2

so King 2
like i said
is WAYYY less of a jerk than king 1
he told all his guys to open the doors for Sonic
and give him food and whatnot
and also marry him to the princess
even though no one but Sonic is happy about this
but whatever
the wedding happens anyway
out of a perverted sense of duty or something
and the chick is totally freaked out by the SHARP SPIKES ALL OVER SONIC’S BODY
but it’s okay
because what he does
is before they do the nasty on their wedding night
he just RIPS OFF HIS SKIN
HAS FOUR DUDES THROW IT INTO A FIRE
AND THEN HE TURNS HUMAN
WAIT
WHY DID HE NOT DO THIS BEFORE
DID HE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THIS OR IS THIS A NEW THING
WHAT THE FUCK SONIC
I USED TO GET MY LIFE ADVICE FROM YOU ON THE TELEVISION

so then he’s human suddenly
but also his skin is TOTALLY BLACK
and the king is like oh shit
if there’s one thing worse than my daughter marrying a hedgehog
it’s her marrying a BLACK MAN
so he sends for all his physicians
and they use doctor magic to turn him white
and then he and his wife live happily ever after
and he even comes by his dad’s house once to totally show off his sexy new face
and his dad is actually pleased
and for the first time ever
he is happy that he has a son

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is if you ever go walking in the woods
bring a compass
anyone you ask for directions is going to end up marrying your daughter
then tearing off his own face and setting it on fire
happy trails!

THE END.

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