The Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a Rousing Tale of Violence and Pals

Hoo boy
finally got around to cracking open this gargantuan volume
lent to me by none other than world-renowned MC “Slick” Nick Gold-dick
(his dick is actually made of gold, guys)
So I’m just gonna tell you what happens at the beginning of this thing:

Alright so
BACK IN THE DAY
there is this dynasty in China
called the Han dynasty
and it’s doing great
but then it stops doing great
wanna know why?
EUNUCHS
that’s why.
Yeah
these no-ball-having motherfuckers are all up in the king’s ears
telling him to do dumb shit
like uh
well
like chopping off people’s balls and then making them your advisors I guess
and meanwhile, all these fucked up omens are going on
like one day a SNAKES start falling out of the ceiling in the castle
and also there are tornadoes
and black vapor flying into the throne room
and pestilences
and rainbows?
yep
and some sage dude figures out that this is all because of the eunuchs
but the eunuchs are TOO POWERFUL so that have that dude put under house arrest
and then they become SO POWERFUL
that the king literally starts calling them “Daddie”
GREAT

BUT MEANWHILE
out in the country there is this dude named Chang Chio
he’s an angst-ridden med student who is wandering around in the woods one day
when BAM
ANCIENT SAGE ALL UP IN HERE
and the sage is like COME INTO MY CAVE SON
YOU HAVE JUST WON THREE COPIES OF THE BOOK OF HEAVEN
and Chang Chio is like oh shit, what does that do?
and the Sage is like IT GIVES YOU POWERS, SON
POOF
and he disappears
and all of a sudden Chang Chio is a FUCKING WIZARD

So Chang Chio makes a lot of friends real fast
because the fastest way to make friends is to be a fucking wizard
and then he’s like whoa
wait a second
I’ve got all these friends I’m not using
how about I have them TAKE OVER THE EMPIRE FOR ME
so he makes everybody put on yellow turbans for some reason
and then they go to war

But here is the problem with war, my friends:
war is a thing that is fought between maybe like ten or twenty powerful dudes
using about a million really poor and desperate dudes
and along the way, setting fire to all those poor desperate dudes’ houses, families, and livestock
so word gets around that there’s about to be a war on
and that the war is scheduled to steamroll right through the Yuchow Prefecture
and so the Prefect of Yuchow is like “oh damn”
“I like having a home.”
“maybe we should defend ourselves.”
so he has the great idea of putting up signs all over town like “WANTED:
AN ARMY.”
like that’s gonna work

But here’s the thing:
IT TOTALLY WORKS
because this one dude happens to see the sign
and his name
is LIU PEI
and if you don’t think this dude is the real deal
let me describe him to you as he is described in the book:
Okay, so he’s real tall first off
and also he has really long ears, like touching his shoulders
and his hands hang down below his knees
and his eyes are bugged way out so he can see BACKWARDS
PAST HIS REALLY LONG EARS
of COURSE this dude is a hero
when you look like that, it’s either war hero or the FUCKING CIRCUS
and he’s looking at this want ad, and sighing SO HARD
that he attracts the attention of ANOTHER crazyass soon-to-be war hero
this bald freak named Chang Fei
and Chang Fei is like DUDE
FINALLY SOMEONE WITH EYES AS HUGE AS MY OWN HUGE EYES
LET’S START AN ARMY
and Liu Bei is like DID YOU SAY “LET’S GO GET DRUNK?”
and Chang Fei is like CLOSE ENOUGH

so they go to the club
and they are getting tipsy
when all of a sudden this HUGE dude with EVEN BIGGER EYEBROWS rolls in
and he’s like SERVE ME UP SOME DRANK ON THE DOUBLE
I AM ON MY WAY TO JOIN THE ARMY
and then Liu Bei and Chang Fei remember what they were supposed to be doing
and they’re like DUDE
how would you like to join OUR ARMY
RIGHT NOW
and this dude
who’s name is Guan Yu
is like YESSSSSSSS

so the three of them swear to be bros forever
and they slaughter some oxes to prove they’re serious
and then they lure a bunch of townspeople into the army by having a fat feast
and they get these SICK weapons
like Liu Bei gets a double-edged sword
and Guan Yu gets this curved blade that weighs about a million pounds
and Chang Fei gets a spear

So the yellow turban dudes show up pretty soon
and these three dudes and their 500 other dudes stomp the shit out of them
obviously
because they’re the protagonists
I mean, I could get into how they do it
but that part is pretty boring, honestly.
I’m sure you can imagine a way better version of all these battles
replete with flying bears and a dismemberment machine
although to be fair, that’s basically what Guan Yu is.
Anyway, instead of going home, these dudes CONTINUE GOING TO WAR.
They go to war AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
but by the time they get to war
the battle is already over
it was already solved by the imperial troops
who basically just set all of the yellow emperor’s guys on fire
and then this guy named T’sao T’sao showed up commanding imperial troops
and there’s this brief aside about what a perfect asshole he is
and how some sage basically said that one time
and he was raised by eunuchs
which is like being raised by wolves
except the wolves are people and they have no balls
but ANYWAY
then Liu Bei and Co show up to ANOTHER battle and they basically win it singlehandedly
and the dudes they saved are like WHO ARE YOUR OFFICERS
and they’re like UH
WE DON’T HAVE THOSE?
and the dudes are like oh well let us just dish out some MAD DISRESPECT to you then
and Guan Yu is ready to decapitate everybody
because that is what he do
but then Liu Bei is like dude

Chill out.

and that is only the BEGINNING of the story
but SO FAR
it seems like the moral of the story is
if you don’t like how shit is going down in your neighborhood
start an army
i mean, it seems pretty easy
just have a barbecue and give swords to whoever shows up.

NOT the end

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Charlemagne is Heteroflexible

Here’s one I learned from Italo Calvino:

Okay so Charlemagne is this guy you may have heard of
he used to be the king of france or something
pretty great dude all around
you can play as him in Age of Empires 3 I think
BUT WHEN OUR STORY BEGINS
dude is being totally unreasonable about a hot chick

Now friends,
I know a hot chick is not an unusual thing to be unreasonable about
but dude is being SERIOUSLY unreasonable
like most dudes get a little stupid around bonafide hotness
but that stupidity generally only extends to hot chicks who are not corpses
but this chick we are talking about here
she has DIED
and Charlemagne is still swoonin’
he’s got her up in his bed
doing god knows what to her
and everyone is starting to get a little grossed out
ESPECIALLY the archbishop
because if you are the archbishop of a big kingdom like this
it is kind of a black mark against you
if your boss is a necrophiliac

But the archbishop has mad respect for Charlemagne
he figures that there’s gotta be something fishy going on
like magic or some shit
so he sneaks into Charlemagne’s room in the middle of the night
and he sticks his fist in the hot chick’s mouth
and what does he find under her tongue?
A MAGIC RING
DUH
but no sooner does the archbishop take it
then Charlemagne wakes up and falls INSTANTLY IN LOVE with the archbishop

So Charlemagne is dragging this archbishop around with him wherever he goes
they eat together
go hunting together
they sleep together
which is really the great thing about being a king, I think
is that a truly legit king can be as gay as he wants
and no one can really say shit about it

but finally the archbishop gets bored of all this affection and ass-sex
and he’s like dammit
what am I going to do with this ring
if I just leave it lying around
who knows what kind of twank is going to pick it up
but if I keep holding onto it I am looking at either death by exhaustion
or rectal prolapse
OH I KNOW
I’LL THROW IT INTO A LAKE

so he does
but all that does is make Charlemagne fall in love with the lake
and then he builds a chapel there and spends all his time there forever
and it’s really kind of a shitty place, so that sucks.

Alright so the moral of the story
is that if you find yourself falling in love with someone
stick your hand in their mouth real quick
just to make sure it’s legit.

THE END.

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Andromeda is in a Galaxy of Trouble

So here’s one I totally glossed over back in the day

Okay, so there’s this kingdom with some dumb rulers
the queen (Cassiopeia) is real pretty
and the king (Cepheus) is just kinda there
so Cassiopeia gets it into her head that she’s not just real pretty
she is THE GODDAMNED PRETTIEST PRINCESS IN THE WHOLE GALAXY
This is wrong for a number of reasons.

ONE: She is not a princess
she is a queen.
TWO: These are greeks we’re talking about
I don’t think they even had any idea what a galaxy was
THREE: Oh yeah, gods get pissed when you say shit like that.
WE ARE GOING TO BE FOCUSING MAINLY ON PROBLEM THREE TODAY.

So one of Poseidon’s nymphs pricks up her ears and hears this nonsense
or rather, she digs poseidon’s prick out of her ears
how did poseidon get his prick in both of her ears, you ask?
what do you think that trident is MADE OF, my friends?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS MADE OF

Anyway, this nymph hears Cassiopeia gettin’ all titflated over her beauty stats
and she’s like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.
POSEIDON:
SOLVE THIS BITCH’S MISCONCEPTIONS
WITH VIOLENCE.”
And Poseidon is like what’s that?
I can’t hear you over the sound of my dicks in your ears
and the nymph is like “I SAID KILL SOME MORTALS”
and Poseidon is like oh yeah ok
I do that all the time anyway.

So poseidon shows up at Cepheus’s palace like “Bad news, guys.
Looks like I’m gonna make a sea monster eat your daughter cause of some things your wife said
It would be nice if you could chain your daughter to a rock
you know
for the sea monster’s convenience.”
and Cepheus and Cassiopeia are bummed
but they have long ago come to terms with the fact
that sometimes they are going to have to give up daughters
in order to keep being arrogant all the time
so they chain their daughter Andromeda to a rock and they wait

but HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA, BATMAN
who happens to fly by right at this very moment but PERSEUS HIMSELF
he is sailing through the sky on a mile-high violence-boner
having just murdered medusa and taken her head
so he seas that sea monster getting ready to devour a hot chick
and he’s like “Holy shit, time to use my hero skills to nab some poon.”
so he runs down to Andromeda’s parents like “Hey guys
I will save your daughter from that monster
but then
FINDERS KEEPERS”
and the king and queen are both like “Okay okay sure”
So Perseus dive bombs that beast
and cuts its face open
and then he’s like “ALRIGHT, IT’S MARRIAGE TIME”
but then this other dude named Agenor pops up like HEY
ANDROMEDA PROMISED TO MARRY ME FIRST
and Perseus is like “Oh yeah?
Well pop quiz, douchelegs:
which one of us has a magic monster head that turns people to stone?
Oh man
are you having trouble answering my question?
Perhaps it is because I JUST TURNED YOU TO STONE WITH THIS MONSTER HEAD
HAHAHAHA”
then he grabs Andromeda and flies into space on his murderboner
and the rest is history
(and by history I mean constellations)

So the moral of the story
is that it would be a lot easier for you to get a date
if you had a monster head that turned people to stone.

Just sayin’

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The Bear Necessities

Hahaha holy shit
I totally forgot about this one
(see below for sad news about shirts, by the way)

Okay so there’s this nymph named Callisto
she’s hangin’ out, minding her own business
and for ZEUS: GOD OF LIGHTNING
hangin out minding your own business is the SEXIEST THING IN THE WORLD
so he’s got his dick out and everything
but he knows he’s gotta be super crafty
because Callisto has already been warned about the likes of him
by ARTEMIS HERSELF
the goddess of NO SEXY-TIMES FOREVER
so here’s what he does
are you ready for this?
okay
so Zeus turns into Artemis
and he goes down to Callisto like “Hey
remember all that stuff I said earlier about no sex?
Haha what a wacky miscommunication!
What i meant was every sex
all the time
starting NOW”
at which point Zeus leaps out of his ladysuit and
(in the words of one of the more watered-down versions I found)
“Makes Callisto his girlfriend.”
wow
that’s gotta be the creepiest euphemism for the nonconsensual crotch-gouge I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, Callisto gets pregnant
like ya do
and then she happens to run into her old pal Artemis
who’s like “hey girl what’s up where have you been?
not having any sex, I hope!
HAHAHAHAHA!”
and callisto is like “Uh yeah.”
and Artemis is like “Great!
Let’s celebrate by getting naked and rubbing soap all over each other
and then killing any men who happen to stumble upon our incredibly sexy bath routine
and Callisto is like “Uh”
and Artemis is like “NONSENSE. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES”
but when Callisto takes off her clothes, it is pretty obvious she’s preggo
cause Zeus’s manbatter rises quickly, if you know what I mean
so Artemis is like “YOU SLAG
GET OUT”
Wow
way to support a woman who has just been raped, Artemis
you do a real bang-up job of sticking up for your girls.
Anyway then Callisto goes off on her own and has a baby named Arcus.

MEANWHILE
Artemis is up on Olympus gossiping with Hera
and she’s like “OH. MY. GOD, Hera
I had this one nymph in my posse, right
her name was Callisto
and what did she do?
she went and got herself RAPED
by your HUSBAND.
God, the nerve of some people”
and Hera is like “YES.
THE NERVE.”

Awesome
so now justice is about to be served for real
let’s cut on over to Zeus’s place to watch the shit hit the fan.
… Wait
nothing’s happening over here
Zeus is just hangin’ out listening to his favorite jams
where’s Hera?
Where could she possibly be?
Oh
there she is
over there, where Callisto is
REVENGIN’

she’s like “Oh hey there, slankblanket
so you like humping my husband, huh?
well how about I turn you INTO A BEAR
RAAAAAAR”
and at first Callisto is like SWEET, BEARS ARE AWESOME
but then she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR
and then even later she’s like RAAAAAR I’M A BEAR AND I’M SAD
because she misses her son
who didn’t turn into a bear
and got raised by his grandpa instead
but then it’s okay
because one day fifteen years later
Arcus is out hunting and he TOTALLY RUNS INTO HIS MOM
and his mom is like YAYYYY MY SON
and her son is like OH FUCK A BEAR
and he shoots an arrow at her
like ya do
and she’s about to get TOTALLY MURDERED
when Zeus hears the sounds of her screaming over his favorite jams
and he’s like OH SHIT
PROBLEMS
QUICK:
BULLET TIME
and then the arrow goes into SLOOWWWWW MOTION
and Zeus comes down and he’s like ok let’s see
I could just move this arrow so it doesn’t kill Callisto
but that’s LAAAAAME
FUCK IT
EVERYONE IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
So Callisto becomes Ursa Major
and Arcus becomes that other bear constellation
even though he wasn’t a bear and that kinda sucks for him but oh well

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is that bears are people too
really gnarly radical people with sharp claws who will try to murder you
and then time stops and you turn into bears also.

THE END.

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Uh oh Shirts

Hey guys
sad news:

after I run out of shirts this time around
(and I’m pretty close to doing that)
I will not be selling the Norse Crisis Flowchart shirt anymore
at least not in the foreseeable future.
Here’s why:
first of all, I’m going to be sequestering myself on a farm from the beginning of July through late August. A farm is not the ideal place for making/selling shirts my friends, and this is a fact.
second, after a fiasco with paypal, involving an order that got put off during finals week, then cancelled, then reordered, then put off again, my account is now in trouble, and one more misstep could mean deactivation or at least something gnarly. I don’t want to deal with that right now.
Third, I’m just plain tired of making these shirts right now! If someone was making them for me, that would be different, but I’ve had enough of running to my studio every week to screenprint and keep up with the orders and stuff envelopes and mail these bastards.

So yeah, come get ‘em while the getting’s good. I’m already out of Ladies’ mediums, and I only have 1 more each of Ladies’ Larges and Mens’ Xtra Larges.

It’s been a good run, but all good things come to an end.
(Myth later tonight)

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As if I Needed Another Reason To Hate Cats

Today’s myth goes out to Thunderdome veteran
Elayne “The Pain” McClain
it is about the origin of species
or at least one specie in particular
is that the singular of species?
whatever
HERE WE GO

So in hell
(and I’m going to call it hell
because this story was made up fairly recently
and all the gods in it were made up too, I think
so I am going to call them whatever the hell I want too)
the height of animal technology
is the snake
dudes are all about snakes down there
they’ve got it all:
they’re poisonous
hard to spot
sociopathic
what’s not to love?
So they start this massive ad campaign
to get the people who don’t live in hell to start liking snakes
predictably, this does not work
because people who do not live in hell
have way better animals to choose from
THAN FUCKING SNAKES
a couple gods even go so far as to make a bet with each other
that one of them is going to make snakes popular first.

they both lose.

Let me reiterate, friends
the animal in question is not a koala
or a llama or an adorable chipmunk
the animal is FUCKING SNAKES
I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER ANIMAL
THAT CAN TURN PEOPLE TO STONE
JUST BY BEING SOMEBODY’S HAIR.

but finally this snake problem goes up the chain of command
to some really important hell-dude called
uh
let’s call him Scruffles
and Scruffles is like HM
THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT THESE SNAKES
OH SHIT I HAVE A PLAN
so what he does
is he goes all around the world and does some demographic research
about why people fucking hate snakes
the problems are these:
1 – scales are gross
2 – no one wants to be friends with something that will poison them in their sleep
3 – no legs
4 – no ears either
5 – too much tail
6 – fucking snakes. I hate snakes.

so having done this market research
Scruffles tracks down a snake and he’s like hey
how about a little elective surgery
and the snake
who has just watched Indiana Jones shoot a dozen of his pals in the face
is like “YES PLEASE.”
So Scruffles takes this snake
and gives him some ears
and puts hair on him
and some legs
and gives it a body, but leaves a good amount of tail
and he can’t take away its gleeful sociopathy
so he does the next best thing
he takes away its venom
and replaces it with RAZOR SHARP CLAWS
and suddenly everyone is all about this thing
which is
YOU GUESSED IT
a cat

so that’s why cats and snakes have pretty much the same eyes
and they’re both shitty and they don’t care if you live or die
and witches make friends with them
and if you grab a cat’s face and hold your hand over its ears
it totally looks like a hairy snake
so good luck getting that image out of your head

now I think we can all agree on the moral of this story
which is that if someone doesn’t like a thing you like
you can easily win them over
by changing that thing into a completely different thing that they like

THE END.

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Scheherezade is Better at This Than I Am

So King Shahryar is busy killin’ ladies every day
he goes through a thousand ladies like tissue paper
and then one day he sends his Wazir out to get a fresh babe
and the Wazir can find NO BABES AT ALL
(A wazir is a dude whose job it is to find babes
This wazir is apparently not very good at his job)
So the Wazir is like oh shit oh shit oh shit
there are only two virgin babes left in the town
presumably because the king killed half
and the other one did the smart thing
and got knocked up before they could get abducted
(PREMARITAL SEX:
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE)
and those two virgin babes
ARE MY DAUGHTERS
OHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIT

and that is not all my friends
because who are this Wazir’s two daughters?
Oh, just some chick named Dunyazade
and her sister
SCHEHEREZADE
so you know shit’s about to get real
cause i told you it was gonna get real earlier.

So the wazir comes home like hey sorry babes you are gonna get killed
and Scheherezade is like oh that’s cool
I was kinda tired of living anyway
and her dad is like WAIT NO
ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT THAT
YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER AND STUFF
and Scheherezade is like dude chill out
I have a plan
and her dad is like FOOLISH DAUGHTER
WOMEN CAN’T MAKE PLANS
HERE
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAN TALK AND YOU SHOULD BEAT YOUR WIFE
and then he finishes telling the story and he’s like WOMAN
IF YOU DECIDE TO GO SEX UP THE SHAH
I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU LIKE THAT DUDE BEAT HIS WIFE
and Scheherezade is like nah dude you’re bluffing
and the wazir is like FUCK.
FINE.

So he goes over to the Shah and he’s like hey man
I uh
had a little trouble procuring babes today
and the king is like TROUBLE PROCURING BABES?
BUT
BUT THAT’S YOUR JOB.
And the Wazir is like yeah i know man
but it turns out babes are not a renewable resource
or at least not renewable at the speed you are disposing of them
you may have noticed that I seemed to be scraping the bottom of the barrel yesterday
when I brought you a vaguely feminine lump covered in barnacles
and the shah is like AH YES I REMEMBER IT WELL
OL’ BARNACLE-TITS.
(this is not a real part of this story
but then again this story is not real so suck it)
so the Wazir manages to get his mind off those barnacle tits
and he’s like okay Shahryar, I have a plan though
I am going to give you my daughter Scheherezade
and the king is like WHAT?
I mean, your daughter is EMINENTLY BONABLE
I could play a sweet bongo solo on that bodacious bum of hers
but we had a deal, dude
you were in charge of procuring babes
and in return any babes that came out of you were specifically off limits
and the Wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SCHEHEREZADE REALLY WANTS UP ON YOUR DONG
and Shahryar is like okay
but need I also remind you
that after I bang your daughter
I am going to kill her
because I still haven’t gotten over that thing with my wife?
and the wazir is like I KNOW
BUT SHE REALLY WANTS UP ON THAT
and Shahryar is like WELL IN THAT CASE
TITS AHOY
A THOUSAND TITS DELICIOUS

So the next night, Scheherezade gets an exclusive invite to the palace
and she shows up all decked out
and she snuggles up into the king’s bed with him
and she begins to
cry?!
and the king is like aw come on
I know I’m gonna kill you tomorrow and everything
but I got my dick out here
and I’m moving it around
and could you get over your impending doom long enough to do things to it?
and Scheherezade is like yeah ok
but could you bring my sister in here first
and Shahryar is like ooh
kinky
yeah, I can do that
so he brings Dunyazade in here
who is not so bad-looking herself
and the text is a little bit hazy on this point
so let me do a little line-by-line translation for you:

“So he sent at once for Dunyazade
and she came and kissed the ground between his hands,”
probably actually his dick

when he permitted her to take her seat near the foot of the couch.
then he was like ‘alright, now you get to watch while I do your sister’

Then the King arose and did away with his bride’s maidenhead
then he did her sister

and the three fell asleep.
tell me that’s not weird

so even if there wasn’t a crazy incestuous threesome going on
and I am NOT dismissing that possibility
at the very least, Scheherezade and Dunyazade have kind of a weird relationship
but I guess you do some crazy shit when you’re trying not to die
cause then what happens
is that all three of them wake up in the middle of the night
and instead of having more sex
Dunyazade starts bugging Scheherezade to tell her a story
and the king is like ooh, storytime!
and then Scheherezade starts telling this story
but she DOESN’T QUITE FINISH IT
because now it’s morning
and she’s like oh man
looks like I’m gonna die now
and you’re never gonna hear the end of the story
and the king is like AW HELL NO
YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY
I AM TEMPORARILY POSTPONING YOUR MURDER
SO YOU CAN TELL ME THE REST OF THE STORY
and this continues
with her telling another story
and another and another
until a thousand nights have passed
at which point the king is like alright you win
I am hereby postponing your murder FOREVER
because that is just way too many stories
and anyway if I kill you
these threesomes will not be nearly as interesting.

So the moral of the story
is that no matter who you are
or how bad things get
the secret to success is

oh
but it’s getting late
I’ll tell you tomorrow.

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Old-Times Arabia is a Writhing Carpet of Orgies

I’ve put this one off long enough.

Okay, so I figure you probably already know a little about Scheherazade
the badass chick who eludes decapitation for a thousand nights straight
by being TOO ENTERTAINING TO KILL
I’ll get to that part in a minute.
Right now, lemme tell you about why there is a dude randomly killing his wives in the first place.

Okay so back in the back in the day
there was this great job you could get
called Shah
which is a really posh-sounding way of saying “big-times king dude”
and these guys had all the hookups
they had so many hookups
that they had to invent strict militaristic protocols
JUST FOR INVITING EACH OTHER TO PARTIES.
Our story begins with just such an invitation

So King Shahryar
who is such a king that he has Shah AND King RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME
gets a hankering for a party
so he sends an invite to his bro Shah Zaman
like “dude
you should bring about a million white slaves”
(he specifies that the slaves have to be white for some reason
probably because he has so many hookups
that he can even afford to color coordinate his slaves
and black slaves just wouldn’t have matched the drapes he had up.
PS: the word for white slave is Mameluke
which I cannot read without thinking Marmeduke
so I am just imagining these massive battalions of dopey great danes
stealing hamburgers and comically injuring their owners.
woo, tangent)
uh where was I
oh yeah
King Shahryar was writing a letter
“DEAR BRO
BRING DEM BITCHES OVER HERE WE GON HAVE A GOOD OL FASHIONED MIDDLE-EASTERN HOOTENANY”
so naturally his bro comes running
but it is hard to run amidst about a million dopey great danes
and anyway he forgot his wallet at home
so he runs back inside to grab it and OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
he has been gone like TEN MINUTES and his wife is ALREADY BONING SOME DUDE
and to make matters worse
(given that this is a society of dudes who obsessively color-coordinate their slaves)
the dude his wife is boning is BLACK
and he works as a COOK
and Shah Zaman is like WHAT THE FUCK, WIFE
I PICKED OUT THOSE SHEETS TO COMPLIMENT MY SKIN TONE
THIS IS A FASHION DISASTER
and then he chops both of them in half
and walks back outside like nothing is happening
because he does not want to buzzkill the party

but he’s a major buzzkill anyway
because by the time he arrives at Shahryar’s place he is SICK WITH GRIEF
and he doesn’t want to do anything
he doesn’t want to have fat feasts
he does not want to go out hunting
what he wants to do is sit in his tent and pine his ass off
so finally his bro is like “fuck it, man
I’m going hunting.
you can sad yourself to death in your room or whatever”

so Shah Zaman is alone in the castle
and he goes wandering around
and he happens to catch a glimpse of Shahryar’s wife going into the pleasure garden
which is the kind of garden you have if you are a Shah
and he’s like whoah, my brother’s wife is pretty hot
let’s watch secretly to see if she takes off her top
AND SHE DOES
along with TEN OF HER SUPER HOT LADIES IN WAITING
and TEN MARMADUKES
and then she claps her hands
and this crazy looking black dude jumps out of a tree and sexes her ALL DAY LONG
and Shah Zaman is like whoah
I am totally cheered up now
number one, that was totally hot
and number 2,
my brother is getting fucked over WAY MORE than I got fucked over.
AWESOME.

So when Shahryar gets home he’s like whoah
who turned off the sadknob all of a sudden
wait
did somebody turn your sad-knob?
like
your penis, I mean?
like did somebody touch your penis?
was it my wife?
DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE?
and Shah Zaman is like no dude, even better
I watched like twelve dogs and a crazy black dude fuck your wife
and Shahryar is like THIS IS TERRIBLE
and Shah Zaman is like well yeah sorta
but it totally helped me get over dismembering my own wife for doing a similar thing
and Shahryar is like well it looks like it all worked out in the end
NO WAIT
NOTHING IS ALRIGHT IN THE END
BECAUSE THE END I QUESTION IS MY WIFE’S END
AND EVERYTHING IS IN IT
AND NOTHING IS ALRIGHT ABOUT THAT
and Shah Zaman is like bro chill out
you know what you need?
A vacation
let’s go to the beach.

So they go to the beach
and they’re chilling out trying to forget about their terrible wives
when all of a sudden SHAZAAM
a genie busts out of the water
(this kinda shit is always happening in Arabia
place is lousy with genies)
anyway, both kings hide in a tree
and they watch this genie bust out an INCREDIBLY HOT CHICK
and go on and on about how sexy virtuous she is
and how he’s so glad he stole her from some dude she was gonna marry
and blah blah blah and then he goes to sleep on her lap
and as soon as the genie is asleep
the chick wiggles out from under him
and she looks up in the tree and she’s like “yo
you two
come down her and have sex with me”
and they’re like “Uh…
we totally want to and everything
but that genie would definitely kill us if we did that”
and the chick is like “No, listen to me
what is going to happen
is you are going to come down here and have sex with me
OR
I am going to wake up this genie and THEN he will kill you.”
And Shahryar is like “Go for it, bro
she’s all yours
I’m a married man
whereas you have recently bisected your wife
you go ahead and get firsties
I will stay up in this tree and contemplate sloppy seconds”
and Shah Zaman is like “Dude this is WAY sketchy
and it’s not like your wife is being faithful to YOU.
YOU go first.”
and the chick is like “Oh my god I cannot believe what I am hearing
I’ve got my tits out down here
getting cold in the seabreeze
and you two anticocks are up in a palm tree playing “who can get the least laid”
need I remind you that I have a genie
who will KILL you
if you do not begin rubbing my ladyparts IMMEDIATELY.”
And it’s hard to argue with a hot chick who has a genie
so they doubleteam her
and then she robs them
and they walk away feeling pretty filthy
but also they got laid so it’s not so bad.

Anyway, this genie doubleteam experience
is the icing on the misogyny cake that these two dudes have been baking
so when Shahryar gets home
he murders his wife
murders all her slaves
and then resolves to marry a new woman
have sex with her
and then murder her
EVERY SINGLE DAY
for the rest of his life
and he manages to keep this up for a thousand days
but THAT’S when Scheherazade comes in.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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What if Superman was a Nazi

Okay so there’s this planet full of superheroes and it’s going to explode
You’d think that if they were so great they would have figured out a way to not explode
but you shouldn’t complain
because their loss is our gain
in the form of SUPERMAN

okay actually he’s not called superman yet
that would be stupid on a planet where everybody is super
except actually I think none of them have superpowers
and they are only activated by the particular color of earth’s sun for some reason
but anyway I guess baby superman is important or special or something
(he’s named Kal El though, which I think is what Sean Penn named HIS kid)
so his parents put him on a rocketship and shoot him towards a planet
that has a pretty good track record
of hating anyone even remotely different from themselves
we call it
EARTH

so superman crashes in the middle of the most xenophobic part of kansas
and he gets picked up by these two old people
and they don’t want to piss of the freaky space baby so they make it their own
and anyway I think they’re both sterile from radiation poisoning at this point
because the spaceship superman crashed in is like covered in kryptonite
which superman is totally allergic to
so bad luck, huh?
but anyway they raise him
and they eventually figure out shit is fucked up when he starts lifting tractors
and he gets bored of his shitty podunk parents and kicks the shit out of his high school
and flies to mars or New York or something
and gets a job as a dude who punches people in the face
and shoots them with his laser vision and he can fly
honestly I don’t know why he didn’t just become the world’s biggest asshole
except wait
he totally does
because eventually he gets bored of being better than everyone
and he builds himself a big sadtimes igloo at the north pole
like a red and blue murdersanta
and then he hangs out there
and later the US government hires him to kill batman
but he fucks it up somehow
even though batman is just a regular dude
and superman is FUCKING SUPERMAN.

so the moral of the story
is that we are all on the wrong planet
because somewhere out there
there is a flavor of sun that turns us all into tractor-lifting dick machines.

The end.

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No myth today because I’m some kind of sleep-needing pansy

Hey guys
did you read the title?
Yeah, that’s what this post is about.
Not much else to say except to perhaps tell you that this week
I learned that you cannot survive indefinitely on five hour energy and poptarts
I also learned that you have to be over 18 to buy five-hour energy shots
which
i dunno
that’s pretty scary
it’s hard for me to expend much mental energy worrying about it though
because right now about a hundred percent of my brain
is devoted to yelling GO TO SLEEP real real loud
so I figure
it’s prolly better not to waste your time with a shitty myth
when what I really need to be doing
is recovering from this clusterfuck
sorry
goodnight
i love you etc.

- Ovid

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