The Word “Purloin” Always Makes Me Think of Cat Groins

[bad news guys
due to some crazy Neverending Story shit
I got sucked into a really bad Edgar Allen Poe piece
called The Purloined Letter
so today's myth is being broadcast from inside of this travesty]

Okay, let me tell you about my bro August Dupin

He is actually sort of a tool and I don’t know why we’re bros
wait, SORT of a tool?
This guy is a 1000 volt multitool
a megatool that slices, dices, and condescends with superhuman rapidity
He’s a dick, is what I’m trying to get across here
but don’t let that sour you on him, friends
because he is apparently also the only person in the whole world
who is not 100% prime retard
ALLOW ME TO RELATE AN ANECDOTE THAT ILLUSTRATES THIS:

So me and Dupin are chilling in the study in the middle of the day
with big curtains over the windows cause we’re goths
when the chief of police busts in like DUPIN DUPIN
SOLVE CRIMES FOR ME
and Dupin is like Whoah chill out
what crimes are you referring to?
And the detective is like “OKAY CHECK IT:
so I am in the employ of the queen or something
and this dude she knows just stole a letter from her
he stole it literally right in front of her
while she was sitting at her desk talking to someone else
he is THAT SLICK
and that letter
hoo boy
that letter is basically like the analog equivalent of phone sex
wait
is the analog equivalent of phone sex just real sex?
what about sexy telegrams? Where do those fit in?
Whatever
the point is that letter has sex all up ins
and so this guy who stole this letter has been blackmailing the SHIT out of this queen
and she just offered me like a million bucks to get it back.
so far so good, right
but this thief dude is WAYYYY too smart for me and my army of police
seriously we searched all up IN that guy’s house
like under the tables
behind the walls
inside his dog
we fucking trucked in a sonar machine, dude
I am not even exaggerating
we went through the whole house square foot by square foot
and stuck needles into everything to see if they were letters
because that is how you identify letters
NO
JOKE”

and Dupin is all “Hmm.
Yes.
I see.
Did you search the papers on his desk?”

and the police guy is like “DURRR
Yeah of course we searched his desk.
We are looking for a letter, why wouldn’t we do that
we’d have to be mighty stupid not to have scrutinized the number one place where paper lives in a house.”

so Dupin is all “Mmhmm.
I see.
Yes.
Go search it all again.”

A WHOLE MONTH PASSES while the police chief goes and does that
at which point he comes back like “Hey Dupin
shitty advice, buddy.
We didn’t find it and now a month of my life is gone.”
And Dupin is like “I’ll tell you why you didn’t find it
you didn’t find it because I HAVE IT
I will give it to you for HALF OF THE REWARD MONEY.”
So that happens.

Now my bro Dupin likes to talk a lot, so let me summarize why he has the letter:
basically,
everyone is a fucking idiot
guess where the letter was hidden?
ON THE FUCKING DESK WITH ALL THE PAPERS.
How was it so cleverly disguised that an army of policemen who were looking for letters did not find it?
I DON’T KNOW, MAN
ALL THE GUY DID WAS TURN IT INSIDE OUT AND PUT A DIFFERENT SEAL ON IT
YOU WOULD THINK
THAT IF YOUR JOB WAS TO GO INTO A HOUSE AND FIND A LETTER
YOU MIGHT MAKE A PARTICULAR STUDY
OF ANY LETTERS YOU HAPPENED TO FIND
but no
apparently we live in moron world
and that’s okay, because we get paid

oh but how did Dupin get the letter back?
Good question, friends
what he did is he went over to the thief dude’s house
and then he paid a CRIMINAL
to discharge a BLUNDERBUSS
in a CROWD of WOMEN and CHILDREN
all for the purpose of distracting that one guy while Dupin stole the letter back
great job everyone
really, great
seriously I don’t know why I live with this guy.

I guess if I had to come up with a moral for this story
it would probably be
that in the kingdom of the blind
the one-eyed man is Dupin.

Someone get me out of the 1800s, seriously
it’s terrible here and everything is steam engines.

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Lysistrata in: Boners for Peace

Hey guys
some sexy human named Maxguns Sexhorse left a comment the other day
reminding me that why the fuck haven’t I done this story yet
so I’m going to
and it’s a play
so I’m gonna try that thing again
where I just rewrite the whole play.
this is kind of an experiment though
because I’m not really sure
if my particular brand of raunchy chatroom inspired cliff notes
can possibly outdo the parade of thinly-veiled boners that populate Aristophanes’ original
ANYWAY HERE GOES NOTHING:

LYSISTRATA

OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE DONG

Adapted for Internet by Fake Ovid Naso

SCENE ONE: A room full of hot chicks

actually the room is not full of hot chicks yet
right now it’s just LYSISTRATA and she’s kinda pissed
then her slutty friend CLEONICE shows up

LYSISTRATA: Man, why is nobody here yet?
CLEONICE: Who did you invite?
LYSISTRATA: All of the women. One hundred percent of the women in the world.
CLEONICE: Oh, well maybe that’s why.
LYSISTRATA: Fuck you.
CLEONICE: Oh is that what we’re doing? Cause if so you should have put that in the invitation, and then everyone would totally be here with their tits out by now.
LYSISTRATA: Is this what you’re gonna do? Are you just gonna hang out and turn everything I say into innuendo?
CLEONICE: I’LL IN YOUR END-O
LYSISTRATA: Shut up, here comes hot chicks.

Enter HOT CHICKS FROM EVERY DAMN PLACE. CLEONICE measures their boobs with calipers.

HOT CHICKS: Okay what’s up
LYSISTRATA: Guys, I came up with a plan to stop all wars forever
HOT CHICKS: That sounds rad. Finally we can get our husbands home for some quality boner-bending. What’s the plan?
LYSISTRATA: Uh, yeah … see, think of this in terms of economics. In order to stop the wars, we have to get through to all the dudes, because they’re the ones who keep fighting wars. But in order to do that, we have to make them an offer they can’t refuse. So what do we, as women, have a monopoly on?
HOT CHICKS: OOH OOH! COMMON SENSE! EMPATHY! PERIODS!
LYSISTRATA: Okay, but try to limit it to things that men want.
CLEONICE: VAGINAS!
LYSISTRATA: Yes, Cleonice. This is why I invited you. Okay now bear with me here, guys. In order to get the dudes to stop fighting all these wars, we are going to have to levy an embargo … ON VAGINAS.
HOT CHICKS: AW HELL NO.
CLEONICE: What’s the point of peace if you can’t get a piece huh?
LYSISTRATA: Guys, guys, don’t pussy out on me now! We only have to keep our legs shut until everyone agrees to stop having wars!
HOT CHICKS: Don’t you think that maybe a sex embargo will only make everyone more irritable, resulting in even MORE wars over smaller things?
LYSISTRATA: NO TIME FOR THINKING. Instead, I propose that we all get ceremonially drunk on this wine I brought, and then we’ll go occupy the federal reserve and camp out there with a bunch of other drunk horny hot chicks!
HOT CHICKS: Wow when did this plan get good all of a sudden?

AND SO

MAGISTRATE: Dudes, how come all the hot chicks are all up in our gold and not in our pants?
DUDES: I DUNNO, BUT LET’S SET THEM ON FIRE.
HOT CHICKS: NO.
DUDES: Fuck, okay. How bout a handjob, though?
HOT CHICKS: ALSO NO.
DUDES: Well shit.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE FEDERAL RESERVE

HOT CHICKS: Dude, Lysistrata, can we just go home and totally not sleep with our husbands real quick? We’re all sick or bored or pregnant or something.
LYSISTRATA: NO. You are going to STAY HERE until WAR IS OVER FOREVER.
HOT CHICKS: Dag.

BUT BACK OUTSIDE:

DUDES: Holy shit, how are we going to deal with all these boners?

Seriously, these dudes have like 8-foot boners.

MAGISTRATE: Just hold on guys. If we let our boners get just a little more distended we might be able to suck our own dicks.
DUDES: Come to think of it, why haven’t we already resorted to sucking each other’s dicks? Or, you know, just masturbating or something?
MAGISTRATE: THERE IS NO TIME FOR THINKING WHEN YOU HAVE AN ERECTION, MY FRIENDS. No, the only solution is to immediately vote for peace.

Enter PEACE, lowered onto the stage on a rope. Like at least fifty percent of the things in this play, PEACE is a hot chick.

DUDES: Quick! Everyone sign the peace treaty so we can all gangbang Peace!

They do, and they do.

HOT CHICKS: Looks like that’s the end of war forever and ever! Thanks Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA: Don’t mention it.
EVERYONE: The moral of the story is that as soon as someone invents gay sex we can have wars forever!

THE END.

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Hotness and the Yeti

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
allow me to take you back
back to a time when princes roamed the earth
and shit didn’t have to make sense.
A lot of stories took place during this time
but this one is one of the dumbest
okay, let’s go:

so this chick has two sisters and a rich dad
they’re not very close though
in fact, they’re pretty estranged
so estranged
that no one remembers this chick’s name
and instead they just call her by her sole distinguishing trait
her Hotness

it’s not like Hotness is just two rad tits in a ladyskin, though
she’s got smart brains, too
and also like
a personality and shit
her sisters are not so lucky
they are ugly and everyone calls them the Bitch Twins

so naturally the Bitch Twins hate Hotness with a vengance
but she doesn’t hate anyone
cause it’s hard to hate when you’ve got such a nice rack.

but oh shit
looks like the rich dad just got a lot less rich
so now they’re living out in the country being all poor and shit
but then it’s okay because a ship full of Dad’s valuable goods is coming in
and he’s like “Alright daughters, I’m gonna go pick that stuff up
want me to buy you anything while I’m out?”
and the Bitch Twins are like “YES
EVERYTHING.”
and Hotness is like “Uh … a pretty flower?”
because it is hard to desire material riches when you have such a nice rack.

so Dad goes out to pick up his riches
but then he gets involved in a lawsuit
for running over a pedestrian on his way home
and all the goods have to go to pay for legal fees
and then he gets lost in the forest
and as we know
anyone who gets lost in a forest automatically ends up SOMEPLACE MAGIC

so Dad rolls up on this sweet sweet castle
and he goes inside and there’s a megafat feast laid out
and nobody in sight
and he’s like “Uh hello?
Scary castle ghosts?
Please remain silent to indicate that I should eat all your food.”
then he eats all the food
drinks all the booze
and passes out in the first bed he sees
then he gets eaten by scary castle ghosts.

Oh shit
no, wait
I did that thing again where I write what I wanted to happen
instead of what actually happened
what actually happens is that Dad wakes up with a brand new pimp suit
and a mug of hot chocolate absolutely free
and he is like “Gee, thanks scary castle ghosts!”
and he walks out into the garden to leave
and sees some pretty roses
and he’s like “Oh yeah
my sexy daughter totally asked for one of these
and they’re totally free anyway
YOINK”
and THIS IS WHEN PROBLEMS START HAPPENING

cause all of a sudden this huge angry yeti busts into the garden
like NOOOO THOSE ARE MINE
NOW I WILL EAT YOU
and the dad is like NO DON’T KILL ME
THINK OF MY HOT DAUGHTERS
and the yeti is like HOT DAUGHTERS YOU SAY?
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT A HOT DAUGHTER IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT KILLING YOU
and the Dad is like YES
I KNEW there was a reason I had daughters
and then he gets to fill a sack with riches and go home to say goodbye to his family
(in the original version he’s kind of sad about this actually
but fuck that
who needs daughters when you have your daughters’ weight in gold?)

so Dad gets home and he’s like Welp
I hope this rose was worth it, Hotness
cause now you get to be enslaved to a Yeti forever
and Hotness is like Aw dang
but she’s like pathologically obedient so she just deals with it
because it’s hard to think for yourself when you have such a nice rack

CUT TO INSIDE CASTLE VON YETI
There’s another sweet feast laid out
and Hotness and her dad eat it
and then the yeti shows up in a suit
all like “Okay dad, time to leave your daughter alone with a yeti”
and that’s what happens

except it turns out not to be so bad
there isn’t even any rape or anything
Hotness gets a totally legit library
and a magic mirror for spying on her sisters
and basically any other shit she can think of
and all she has to do in return
is repeatedly turn down the yeti’s marriage proposals
seriously, every night this loser shows up to dinner
like “hey Hotness
where are your standards at today?
Getting lower?”
and Hotness is like “Ooh… still pretty high actually.
Sorry …”
and he’s like “SIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHH.
It’s cool, it’s cool.
Same time tomorrow?”
and she’s like “I want CAVIAR.”

So this goes on for three months
and Hotness comes to think of the yeti as a pretty nice guy
(nice here being a code-word for “rich and magical”)
but she still kinda misses her dad
so she asks to be teleported back to her house for a week
so she can escape Creepy McUgg-Uggs and his castle
I MEAN … so she can reunite with her beloved family that sold her out to yetis
and the Yeti is like “okay that’s fine
but you better come back after a week.
just put your ring on your bedside table after that and you’ll wake up here
thanks to my nigh-omnipotent army of fairy spies and flying helper monkeys”
and Hotness is like “Yeah okay whatever”

so she goes home and everyone is super jazzed
or at least pretending to be jazzed
cause see, her sisters are totally pissed that Hotness gets to live in a castle
because they have succeeded in marrying the two worst dudes possible
(one is Narcissus, and the other one is Oscar Wilde)
and they figure that if they’re real nice to Hotness
then she’ll stay longer than week
thus breaking her promise and leading to some yeti-induced dismemberment
and it totally works
except that then on the 10th night
Hotness goes to sleep and dreams that the yeti is dying in his garden
and she wakes up like SHIT
TELEPORTING TIME
and she puts her ring on the bedside table and wakes up in the castle

but where the fuck is the yeti?
DEAD IN THE GARDEN, THAT’S WHERE
so she runs to the garden and dumps water on his head
to bring him back to life because it’s magic water or whatever
and she’s like What the fuck happened
and he’s like Oh hey
I was so bummed that you left me that I decided to starve myself to death

OKAY GUYS
MAJOR RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG
IF HOTNESS WAS WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT TO MARRY THIS GUY
THIS SHOULD DEFINITELY REMOVE ANY DOUBT FROM HER MIND

and it DOES!
because you know what they say?
they say her standards dropped 100% that day!
and she’s all “Yes, you emo mountain goblin!
Yes I’ll marry you!
Because I love you!
And also because I have been emotionally blackmailed into doing this!
Also, you’re rich!”
(Somehow I feel like Beauty and the Beast is the 1760s’ answer to Twilight)

and no sooner do these words leave her mouth
when a bunch of fireworks start going off everywhere
and then the yeti
turns into a SMOKIN’ HOT DUDE!
and he’s like CONGRATULATIONS, HOTNESS
YOU HAVE PROVED THAT TRUE LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER WORLDLY TRIFLES SUCH AS BEAUTY
YOUR REWARD IS A HOT GUY
ALSO WORLDLY RICHES
ENJOY
and then this fairy shows up and turns the Bitch Twins into statues
specifically statues that will remain conscious of their hellish torment forever
which is sort of redundant because they were already married.

So the moral of the story
is that if you really love someone
win them over with your magic and riches
and if that fails
kill yourself.

THE END.

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Alcmene Gets Doubleteamed

Okay guys
gonna be honest
I set out to tell you the story of “Amphitryon” by Plautus
but frankly
that shit is LONG
and I still have to go grocery shopping today
so I just read the summary at the beginning
and the rest I am going to make up

ALRIGHT SO
Alcmene is a chick whose name you should be familiar with
but if you aren’t then I’m not gonna spoil it right away
what’s important to know right now is that she has a husband
and her husband’s name is Amphitryon
and Amphitryon is King Creon’s bitch

So one day King Creon is like Hey Bro
bout to fight a war with some guys.
not sure which guys
maybe the Teleboans or maybe the Taphians
it’s a T-name though, for sure
anyway, I need you to go do war stuff on my behalf
and Amphitryon is like YES SIR WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL?

But before he goes off to war
he does the smart thing and gets his wife pregnant
I guess so there will be someone to avenge his probable death
and then it’s war time
but see, Amphitryon has made one mistake:
(and in ancient greece, this is an easy mistake)
Amphytrion has married a woman Zeus wants to bone.

So Zeus sees Amphytrion leaving to die
and he’s like Sweet!
This looks like an opportunity for SHENANIGANS.
And ten minutes later he has transformed himself into Alcmene’s husband
and he’s up in her room like Yo
and Alcmene is like I thought you were in a war?
and Zeus is like Uh
Very short war, yeah
as a matter of fact, honeyass
that war was exactly as short
as my boners for you are long
and Alcmene is not one to look a gift-dick in the mouth
although actually…

ANYWAY they have sex
and he whole time they are engaged in this incognito intercourse
Hermes is out guarding the door
because Hermes truly is
THE ULTIMATE WINGMAN.
like, check this out:

So he’s guarding the door, right
that’s already pretty solid wingman behavior
but then it turns out Amphytrion is coming home early from war
and he sends a messenger to go tell his wife about it
and the messenger runs all the way to Alcmene’s room
only to find HIMSELF standing guard
and he’s like, Uhh hey
I’m here to tell the queen her husband’s back?
and hermes, who is impersonating the very person he is now speaking to
is like NO, IDIOT
CAN’T YOU SEE??
I’M YOU.
YOU MUST BE AN IMPOSTOR.
GO AWAY, SEX IS HAPPENING.
And guess what?
That messenger TOTALLY GOES AWAY.
and then this dude named Merlin walks by
and he’s like HEY THIS GIVES ME A GREAT IDEA FOR SOME ADULTERY I WAS PLANNING

So the messenger goes instantly mad, obviously
and returns to Amphytrion to convey the eldritch horror he has just experienced
leaving our beloved title character with no option
other than busting down his wife’s door all on his own.

So okay
I want you to put yourself in Amphytrion’s place for a moment
you just got back from a nice war
you’re ready for a relaxing victory shag in the royal quarters
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
and you walk in to find your wife
who, let me remind you, you just got pregnant
getting remorselessly drilled
BY YOU.

You guessed it: Insta-insane
Amphytrion loses all capacity to evaluate reality as a result of this
and this is in no way helped by the fact that Zeus CONTINUES TO INSIST
that he is the real Amphytrion
even though this seems like the perfect excuse for him to hit it and quit it
but anyway, no one can make sense of this literal clusterfuck
so they call a wise man named Blepharo to fix this shit

Guess what
Blepharo can’t figure this shit out either
I mean what the fuck is he supposed to do?
You better believe Zeus isn’t gonna half-ass his disguise
when getting laid is in the balance
this is a guy who has no problem turning into rape-birds
or gold with dicks
just for the joy of constantly starring in his own private espionage porno:
EMISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
so yeah, everyone is super perplexed.

but Alcmene fixes everything
by choosing this moment to squirt two babies out of her body
also lightning, apparently
which causes the already emotionally weakened Amphytrion to have a siezure
and then while he’s twitching on the ground
Zeus shows up like By the way guys
I did this.
Now lemme just jack one of these babies right quick
so I can make him suckle on my wife’s tits and become immortal
because guess who this baby is:
That’s right
FUCKING HERCULES.

But that’s a whole other story.

So the moral of this story
is if you’re gonna cheat on your spouse
try and do it with someone who looks exactly like them
because at least then you have some plausible deniability.

THE END.

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Goliath gets Stoned

so first of all
this is kinda short notice
but if you live in Chicago
and you like running screaming through the night
being chased by people pretending to be evil robots
that’s happening tomorrow
It’s called Journey to the End of the Night
and you can learn about it here

Second of all
I am still working on making a new run of shirts
but the screen I use to print them just ripped
so I have to make a new one
so be patient

THIRD OF ALL
it’s BIBLE TIME.

So there’s these dudes called the Philistines, right
I have never bothered to look up what their deal is in Isaac Asimov’s Guide to the Bible
but from context clues
their deal seems to be running around threatening the children of Israel
and having way too much skin wrapped around their penises.
so obviously this is a foolproof recipe for total war
and as our story begins, the army of the Philistines
is facing off against the army of the Israelites
except instead of just hauling off and nuking the shit out of each other
like REAL armies would
these dudes just sit on their little hills staring at each other
until finally the Philistines are like FUCK THIS
and they send out GOLIATH

Goliath
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.

So Goliath is just standing out there like YO
ISRAELITES
GONNA MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU GUYS:
IF ANY ONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, WE WILL ALL SURRENDER TO YOU FOREVER
BUT IF I KILL ONE OF YOU INSTEAD, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
THOSE ARE THE RULES
and everyone I think can agree
those are terrible rules
so the Israelites are up on their hill like Oh shit what do we do

ENTER DAVID
he’s the youngest son of a dude named Jesse
(when did everyone in the bible start having super normal names?)
and whereas all his older bros got to go be soldiers
David was stuck herding all his dad’s sheep
but then one day his dad is like Yo David
go take this bag of sandwiches to your brothers and find out what’s up
like with the war and whatever
so OFF HE GOES

so David shows up with a bag of sandwiches and a head full of gumption
just in time to find the entire nation of israel pissing its pants over Goliath’s abs
and he’s like YO FUCK THIS
WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET THE NATION OF ISRAEL TO STOP PISSING ITSELF AROUND HERE
and everyone is like uh
maybe kill Goliath?
in fact, I hear whoever kills goliath gets a bunch of sweet prizes
like for example the daughter of our general, Saul
and also no taxes forever
and David is like NO TAXES?!
HOLY SHIT, LET’S DO THIS.

So he goes over to Saul and he’s like Yo
I hear you have a giant problem
and where I come from
they call me the Giant Solution
(they are referring to my penis)
and Saul is like PISH POSH MY LAD
you are way too young to kill that guy
and David is like no fuck that
look at that guy
look at his dick
it’s got way too much skin on it for him to be dangerous
his boy is just smothering under all that foreskin there
how can you be deadly with a smothered johnson?
and Saul is like HM YES I BELIEVE YOU ARE CORRECT
BUT STILL YOU ARE ONLY A BOY
and David is like no look:
whatever
as a shepherd, I routinely have to chase down bears and punch them until they die
[SERIOUSLY NO JOKE THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS]
and this guy should go down just as easy
because lions and bears have plenty skin round their members
and this guy has AT LEAST that much
and Saul is like HM YES I SEE YOUR POINT
BUT AT LEAST TAKE SOME ARMOR
and David is like Nah
when I make bad decisions I like to make them all the way.

So david goes out to fight Goliath
and Goliath is like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
and David is like this, my friend
is called a projectile weapon
and then he throws a rock at Goliath and Goliath dies before he can even get over there
and David is like Now THAT
is the power of a dick that can really breathe.

so the moral of the story
is that nothing beats rock
good ol’ rock.

But you know, that’s not actually the end of David’s adventures
or his strange relationship to dick skin
remind me to tell you about that some other time, though
I’m sleepy.

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Robin Hood Gets Beat Up A Lot

It is always a good day
when I realize I haven’t done a myth I’ve always really liked
and today is a good day.

So Robin Hood is bored.
B-O-R-E===D
and he decides that the cure for his boredom
is to go out wandering the wilderness by himself
and hopefully run into some dudes or disguised ladies to fight
but he’s not going out unprotected
FUCK no
he’s got his bow with him, first of all
and second of all he has his army of sixty-eight thieves on speed dial
in case shit gets too real

so properly prepped and looking for trouble, Robin Hood goes out wandering
and it’s all of three minutes before he runs up on some problems
because there’s this river, right
and there’s a log over the river
and Robin is in the middle of crossing it when he runs smack into this HUGE DUDE
and he’s like “Oh hey man, do you mind just backing off this log for a second so I can cross?”
and the huge dude is like AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO MIND
and Robin Hood is like WHAT A COINCIDENCE, SO DO I
TIME TO SKIP STRAIGHT TO MURDER
I HOPE YOU LIKE ARROWS IN YOUR BODY

But John Little – that’s the huge dude’s name – calls bullshit on this
he’s like BULLSHIT
IF YOU SHOOT ME DOWN WITH SISSY GIRLY-BOY ARROWS
I AM GOING TO TAKE A FAT DYING DUMP ALL OVER YOUR SPARKLING REPUTATION
SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF PUSSY SHOOTS A DUDE WITH A LONGBOW FROM LIKE TWO FEET AWAY
and Robin Hood is like NOBODY CALLS ME A PUSSY
LET ME JUST GET A BIG STICK REAL QUICK SO I CAN POUND YOUR ASS WITH IT
and then he goes into a nearby thicket and finds him a gnarly oak-branch to fight with
then climbs back onto the log
so these two titans of tomfoolery can settle this like men:
by waving yard-long wooden dicks at each other
YES THAT IS RIGHT MY FRIENDS
ROBIN HOOD ACTUALLY BACKS OFF THE BRIDGE
IN ORDER TO PROCURE A WEAPON
TO USE
TO PREVENT HIMSELF FROM HAVING TO BACK OFF THE BRIDGE
when you have to completely abandon your stated mission
in order to procure the massive weapons your mission requires
that’s a major red flag that you are entering bad decisions territory

but John Little doesn’t capitalize on this gaping window of opportunity
presumably because he is as excited about bludgeoning as Robin is
presumably because John Little is a seven-foot-tall human cage-match of muscles and fear
AND MUSCLES WIN EVERY TIME
so they start beating each other with sticks
and it’s not long before John straight fractures Robin Hood’s skull
sending him straight to concussion city, and also the river
at which point Robin gets up and starts laughing his ass off
because what John Little doesn’t know
is that there are sixty-eight pissed off dudes in the forest out there
just waiting to turn little John into a porcupine of murder
they’re all HEY ROBIN HOOD HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT THIS GUY TO DIE?
and Robin Hood is like NO TIMES AT ALL, MY MERRY MEN
I AM ALL ABOUT DUDES WHO GIVE ME CONCUSSIONS
Yo John, I’ve got sixty-eight bros out there in the woods
and we do nothing but loot all day and party all night
and I want to ask you
bro
will you be my number sixty-nine?
and John is all SHIT YES

so everybody goes back to Robin’s place and parties so hard they forget their childhoods
and they get so drunk they forget what order John Little’s name goes in
and from that day forward everyone calls him Little John
and he is an unstoppable force of injustice in Nottinghamshire

so the moral of the story
is you should pick your friends based on who can beat you up the most
because at least then those guys are your friends

THE END.

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Antigone and the Too Many Suicides

(this is my new update schedule, by the by
Tuesdays and Fridays
get that tattooed on your arms so you will never forget)

Holy canoles you guys
never in my life have I read something
that so badly needed to be written by me instead of Sophocles
seriously this dude is captain of the S.S. Longwords
paddling liesurely along a lazy river ride of verbosity
on its way to a bunch of dead bodies
(the dead bodies being the bloodstained carrot
at the end of the proverbial stick this play has shoved up its ass)

For those of you who don’t know
which included me until like yesterday
Antigone is the sequel to Oedipus Rex
and what it lacks in clever plot twists
it makes up for in PATENTLY IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOR
so I’m gonna try something a little different today
and instead of paraphrasing the whole play, like a chump
I going to write my own play
it is called Antigone by Sophocles
LET’S DO THIS

ANTIGONE BY SOPHOCLES

By Ovid

(But not the real Ovid, though, the fake one)

(by which I mean me)

Enter ANTIGONE. You can tell she’s important because her name is almost the whole title. Her sister ISMENE is also here.

ANTIGONE: BOO HOO MY FAMILY SUCKS

ANTIGONE is Oedipus’s daughter, so this is a pretty reasonable complaint

ISMENE: Whoah, hey, I’M in your family, you know.
ANTIGONE: Oh yeah, that’s true. Wanna help me bury our brother’s body?
ISMENE: You wouldn’t happen to be referring to the brother who got exiled from the kingdom by our other brother and then came back with an army to enslave everyone and now both our bros are dead, would you?”
ANTIGONE: THAT IS EXACTLY WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT! You had a 50-50 shot and you got it on the first guess!
ISMENE: Dude, the new king Creon very specifically told everyone not to bury that guy. You know, cause of the whole “returning with an army to enslave everyone” thing. Pretty sure Creon actually promised to kill anyone who tried to bury that guy.
ANTIGONE: Okay, which is more important: not being executed, or putting dirt all over our dead treacherous brother?
ISMENE: Uh…
ANTIGONE: You know what, Ismene, YOU’RE A WUSS. Looks like I’m gonna have to go on this suicide mission all by myself!
ISMENE: No, stop, come back.

Both of them leave, but Antigone leaves harder, cause she’s going to go bury bodies, whereas her sister is gonna go be a wuss up in a tower or whatever. Now here comes king CREON, and then this GUARD runs up to him.

GUARD: King Creon! Holy shit!
CREON: What’s up
GUARD: You know that body you wanted to let rot in the middle of town for personal reasons? SOMEBODY FUCKING POURED DIRT ALL OVER IT.
CREON: FUCK!!!
GUARD: Please don’t kill me.
CREON: Thinking about it.
GUARD: Wait hold on.

GUARD leaves, comes back carrying ANTIGONE

GUARD: It was her. She did it. We dug up the body and she did it again, like an idiot.
CREON: Whoah Antigone, what the fuck. Did you do this?
ANTIGONE: Ayup. Dead bodies are gross and they need to have dirt on them.
CREON: I’m glad you feel so strongly about dead bodies, cause you’re about to BECOME ONE.
ANTIGONE: Worth it.

GUARD drags ANTIGONE away. Now here comes HAEMON. He is not a digimon, even though his name sounds like one. He is actually CREON’s son, and also engaged to ANTIGONE, so this is gonna be awkward.

CREON: Hey son, hope you aren’t mad that I’m gonna execute your fiancee.
HAEMON: Why would I be mad? You’re just keeping it real.
CREON: I’m glad you see it that way.
HAEMON: No wait I lied, what the fuck is wrong with you?
CREON: Uhh … just a little something called JUSTICE. Think about it. If we buried the bodies of all our horrible traitors instead of letting them rot in the streets, what would our city be like then, huh?
HAEMON: More sanitary, mainly. Dude just put some dirt on that body already. It’s not that big a deal, even.
CREON: I’M THE KING, I DO WHAT I WANT.
HAEMON: Alright, good luck with that.

Meanwhile, ANTIGONE gets buried alive in a pit or something.

ANTIGONE: I’M BEING BURIED IN A PIT AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

Oh shit here comes TIRESIAS. He is being led around by a little boy, because he is blind and he likes little boys.

CREON: Yo Tiresias, my main man, what is cracking?
TIRESIAS: I heard there was some bad decisions getting laid down here so I had to just stop by and warn everyone not to make those again.
CREON: Yeah, that is kind of what you’re always doing. That’s why I always listen to your prophecies and do what you tell me.
TIRESIAS: Oh man, that’s a relief. I was just gonna tell you that you shouldn’t bury your son’s girlfriend and leave corpses rotting in your streets, because burying dudes really isn’t a big deal.
CREON: FUCK YOU, I’M THE KING, I DO WHAT I WANT.
TIRESIAS: Okay dude, well I hate to tell you this but everybody you love is going to die, starting right now. Alright, come on Bobby, let’s go back to the mountains and watch snakes have sex.

TIRESIAS leaves, along with his BOY-SLAVE. Everyone is now fucked.

CREON: Yo advisors, I am suddenly very nervous about my terrible decisions. What do you think?
ADVISORS: We think you should probably listen to Tiresias. And your son, and Antigone, actually. Also us. In fact, the more we think about it, the more sure we are that you are the only person who agrees with what you are doing right now.
CREON: Oh shit, you’re right. Guess I’ll just go release Antigone now and live happily ever after.

CREON leaves. Then a MESSENGER shows up

MESSENGER: Oh shit guys, everyone killed themselves.
GUYS: Who’s everyone?
MESSENGER: Oh, well, first Antigone killed herself. Anyone who didn’t see that coming raise your hand. Then Haemon busted into her pit and found her dead, so first he tried to kill Creon, but he must not have tried very hard because he ended up just stabbing himself. And now in a couple minutes I’m gonna tell Creon’s wife Eurydice (no relation) about this and she’s gonna stab herself too.

That happens. Oh, and here comes CREON again. What does this guy want?

CREON: I’m back from witnessing the suicide of my son! …Aaaaand more dead bodies. Great. All up in my house. Guys, my life is pretty much the worst now. I’m going to my room.

CREON leaves forever

ISMENE: Remember me? I’m still alive!

CHORUS: The moral of the story is that if someone tells you they are going to kill you if you do a thing, maybe don’t do that thing!

THE END.

(Bonus points if someone does a staged reading of this and films it.)

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Sherlock Holmes: The Original House M.D.

Alright guys I’m back
Did you miss me?
I did not miss you
I was on a farm and it was great and we had chickens
oh also guess what,
due to popular demand I am going to be making more Norse Crisis Flowchart Shirts
but I wanna pick a new color
so tell me what color you want the shirts to be!

OKAY
SHERLOCK HOLMES
we have spoken of him before on this here internet website
but it was not me who was talking about him
and my friends, I have some shit to say.
the story I am going to tell you today was originally titled A STUDY IN SCARLET
but it is better known as DRUG-ADDLED SOCIOPATH SOLVES ALL THE CRIMES
wait that’s just my title for ALL the Sherlock Holmes stories

but when our story begins, Sherlock Holmes is nowhere in sight
because we are way the hell over in Afghanistan with this doctor named Watson
he’s a pretty good doctor
but it turns out that what he’s really good at is getting shot with bullets
and then flying back to London with a bad case of the PTSD
except that when he gets back to London
and checks into a hotel with all his army dollars
it turns out that PTSD actually stands for PARTY TIL SUN-DOWN
(to forget the innumerable horrors of war)
and as we all know, THE SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE
so Watson is just straight up partying ALL THE TIME
and his army dollars are abundant, but they are not infinite
so after a brief stay in party central, he is obliged to find a cheaper apartment out in the party suburbs
and this is when unlucky watson suddenly gets very lucky(?)
because he’s hanging out in one of his favorite bars, when this dude runs up to him like YO WATSON
I REMEMBER YOUR ASS FROM MEDICAL SCHOOL
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT?
THERE’S THIS DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATH I KNOW WHO IS ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT
and Watson is like “does he mind sudden midnight screaming fits brought on by the traumas of war?”
and his friend is like “probably he is the cause of a lot of those”
and Watson is like SOLD

so they go over to the chemisty lab where Watson’s friend works
and this is where we finally get to meet Mister SHERLOCK HOLMES
notice that I used the title MISTER and not DOCTOR
because although this is a medical laboratory
Sherlock Holmes possesses NO ACCREDITATION WHATSOEVER
he just shows up to this chemistry lab every day
and beats dead bodies with golf clubs and fails to produce any credentials
and they all just LET HIM COME
in fact, when Watson arrives, Sherlock is busy MUTILATING HIS HANDS WITH A KNIFE
in order to prove that this liquid he made knows what blood is
and then he gets introduced to Watson and he’s like HEY MAN YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN
and Watson is like duh I already know that
I struggle with the trauma of that experience every minute of every day
but it’s kind of weird that you know that about me.
Let’s be roommates!

So they move in together
and aside from some weird postmodern violin shit
and the fact that he spends three days out of every month coked to the tits
Sherlock Holmes is a pretty fine roommate
and Watson
who is too lazy to get his own job
spends all his time trying to figure out what Sherlock Holmes does for a living
COME ON, WATSON
HE’S SHERLOCK HOLMES
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES
but anyway he never really figures it out so Sherlock Holmes just tells him
he’s like “I’m a consulting detective
which means that I don’t actually get paid and I don’t have a job
my money comes from that same mysterious vortex where most well-dressed english dudes get their money.
I’m pretty much just the working detective’s equivalent of the odd-numbered problems in the back of a math textbook
basically people walk into my house and I solve their problems
I hope you are okay with people dragging their big sloppy problems into our house all the time”
and watson is like “As long as you are okay with me occasionally mistaking them for enemy combatants!”
then they go off to solve crimes!

Cause see, it turns out a dude has been murdered
and the entire London police force is composed of fifty pound bags of salt in police uniforms
and two of these saltbags are important police detectives
named Lestrade and The Other Guy
and they have pretty much built their careers
on the fact that no one else needs to solve problems when Sherlock Holmes is around
cause lemme back up just a wee second:
Sherlock Holmes is the ultimate crime-solving engine
he has become this horrible thing through a combination of reading up on every crime ever committed
and forgetting all of the unimportant things
like that the earth revolves around the sun, or what a vagina looks like
he has done this in the interest of being able to call everyone he meets a fucking moron
while carrying a magnifying glass everywhere he goes and huffing bags of cocaine

okay, so Watson and Sherlock show up at this murder
a guy is dead in an abandoned house
blood is everywhere but it’s not his
you know, typical mystery shit
it’s not really that important
it’s just a bunch of opportunities for Sherlock Holmes to wave his braindick around
and then they find some chick’s ring on the floor, which Sherlock steals
SO FAR SO GOOD

then they talk to some other police officers, and then Sherlock Holmes goes to an opera
and then he puts an ad in the paper about the ring he stole
in the interest of making the criminal come to him
but instead of the criminal, some old-ass woman shows up
and after she leaves, Sherlock tries to tail her
but it turns out to be an olympic gymnast in an old lady suit
who bails out of a cab while Sherlock is riding on the back.
this is never fully explained.

So Sherlock is trying to come up with another way to catch the murderer
when ANOTHER dude gets murdered
this dude was the first dude’s secretary
and he got stabbed in his hotel room
because the killer actually brought a ladder and just climbed up in there.
okay guys, I don’t know about you, but if a dude with a knife was climbing up a ladder into my bedroom
I WOULD PUSH THAT SHIT OVER.
That secretary was too stupid to live, is what I’m saying.
The police search the room and they find a box with some pills in it
and Sherlock Holmes is like CALLED IT
THOSE PILLS ARE POISON
ALLOW ME TO PROVE IT
then he poisons his landlady’s dog to death with them.
SHIT YEAH, CONSULTING DETECTIVE.

So a dog is dead and a ring is stolen
and still no one has any idea who the murderer is
except for SHERLOCK HOLMES
who has hired an army of homeless orphans
to find a cab driver named Jefferson Hope, and bring him to his apartment
where he proceeds to handcuff him in front of both of those police detectives i mentioned
the ones whose job is to just be wrong all the time

so the murderer is caught, the case is closed
looks like this is the end OH NO IT’S TIME FOR AN OLD WEST FLASHBACK
WELCOME TO THE UTAH DESERT
A DUDE IS HERE WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND THEY ARE GOING TO DIE
his daughter is super stoked because she’s heard there are pancakes in heaven
but she is cruelly denied those heavenly pancakes when she and her father are saved by EVIL MORMONS
i mean it’s not evil that they rescue her
but 16 years later, when the daughter wants to marry this sexy hunter she found
Bringham Young is like OH NO YOU DON’T
MARRY ONE OF THESE TWO ASSHOLES I PICKED
THEY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH WIVES AND THEY NEED MORE WIVES
THE MAIN PROBLEM WITH BEING A MORMON IS CONSTANTLY RUNNING OUT OF WIVES
UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN
AND THEN THE PROBLEMS ARE PRETTY OBVIOUS

but the chick’s dad is like NO WAY, MY DAUGHTER IS GOING TO MARRY THAT SEXY HUNTER
and Bringham Young is like “How about a compromise
how about I give you 30 days
and if your daughter has not married one of the dudes I’ve picked by then, I kill you
and in the meantime, I send CRAZY MORMON GHOSTS to infiltrate your house
and pin numbers to all your stuff
to remind you how many days you have left?”
and the chick’s dad is like “That doesn’t sound like a compromise
that actually sounds like a horror movie”
but it’s too late, cause ghosts are already up in his shit!

but luckily that sexy hunter comes in and rescues them
but then it’s not really that lucky because he goes off to wrestle a bear
and while he’s gone the mormons catch up and kill the dad and marry the chick
and then she dies of a bad marriage
and all that’s left for the hunter to do
is to spend the rest of his life seeking REVENGE

SOUND LIKE A NONSEQUITUR?
WELL IT WON’T WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT THAT HUNTER’S NAME IS
IT’S JEFFERSON HOPE
the dude who just did all those murders
and the dudes Bringham Young picked to marry that chick?
those are the dudes that got murdered just now!
Jefferson Hope chased them all the way to England
and then he got one of them drunk and murdered him in a house
with those poison pills
(actually he gave him a choice between a poison pill and a placebo
but jesus came down and made him pick the poison or something)
and then he just straight stabbed the other guy
oh yeah and that blood from earlier was from Jefferson’s nose
because he was so excited about murders
oh and then as soon as he tells everyone about the evil mormon’s and shit
his heart explodes
thus conspicuously preventing justice from being served
except I guess justice has been served
because those mormons had it coming
and no one even thinks it’s odd
that Sherlock Holmes solved this mystery with a combination of cocaine, dog-poisoning, and child labor

So the moral of the story

is a fucking mystery.

The end.

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