The War Against Melkor is a Lot Like World War Two

Yes friends, it is silmarillion time again
I am running out of space in my brain for all these names
yesterday I tried to order tea at a coffee shop
and ended up asking for a double Elothlulien with extra Llalloc and a B’bjrggk
It’s been a tough week is what I’m saying
ANYWAY:

When last we left our heroes they were chilling in this sweet kingdom they made
as far away as divinely possible
from the firey hatefuck Melkor was laying down all over middle earth
but all good things must come to an end
and while the Valinor DO come into plenty of ends during their eons-long orgy
eventually they have to sit up and handle shit
because the elves are coming over and Middle Earth is a total mess
this is like when you keep putting off cleaning your room
and then you have a sexy guy/girl/salamander (i don’t know what you like) over for dinner
and you are like fuck shit
I need to get all these gerbil carcasses out of my carpet
how did all these gerbil carcasses even get here
I guess I didn’t notice them under all the cold pizza and fingernails I have lying around
so yeah
the Valinor have to finally clean up

They try to put it off for a while
like people keep being like Guys, guys
Melkor is basically just pooping all over that nice world we made
and his poop is like made out of lava
because of how hardcore he is
and I know lava poop eventually hardens
but it’s still poop
and it’s still lava
and that’s gross and dangerous and we should stop it
but Manwe just keeps being like GUYS
I KNOW THE ELVES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COMING OVER SOME TIME THIS AGE
BUT LIKE

WHATEVER
WE’LL DEAL WITH IT LATER
then the elves show up and everyone is totally unprepared.

i guess I should explain how the elves get to Middle Earth
OH WAIT
CAN’T
BECAUSE TOLKIEN DOESN’T EXPLAIN EITHER
they just show up one day
totally out of nowhere
and in fact the Valar don’t even know about it until like months later
when that hunter dude Orome is riding around
and happens to run into some of them
and the elves are all like FUUUUUUCK
cause Melkor has been killing them off for a WHILE now
and like stealing their babies and turning them into orcs
and telling them Orome did it
so they’re like pretty afraid
but they aren’t super afraid because Orome is too handsome to fear

So orome goes back to the Valinor
like dudes
the elves are totally already here
we need to do something about all those gerbil carcasses Melkor’s been throwing everywhere
and the gods are all like shit you’re right
TIME FOR WAR.

The elves have no idea what’s going on by the way
one day they meet this dude Orome
and he chills with them for a bit
then all of a sudden
like a HUNDRED PISSED OFF GODS are stomping across their lawns
on their way to a war with some dude they’ve never heard of
so yeah, that happens

I mean it’s a big war and it’s super crazy and blah blah blah
Melkor has dug all these big holes in the ground
and he is in charge of one of them
and this dude named Sauron is in charge of the other one
and they put up a pretty good fight
but eventually the Valar just dump a bunch of asbestos and bees down those holes
and Melkor has to give up and get arrested
Sauron escapes though
they need him for the sequel

Okay so they drag Melkor back to orgyville
which is what I am calling the Valar’s home base cause I don’t remember the real name
and Melkor is like dudes, don’t imprison me
and Manwe is like NUP
TOTALLY IMPRISONING YOU
for THREE WHOLE AGES
then you get a parole hearing.

Okay here’s what I’m wondering
how long is an age?
Everyone’s always talking about ages
like they know exactly how long one is
but like
sometimes waiting for the bus feels like an age
and sometimes people are very young ages
like twelve or sperm
it is not a good system.

anyway they throw him in jail
then they are like fuck
we can’t have the elves just wandering around in middle earth
even though that’s the whole point of elves
we need to bring them all to our place
and lock them up real tight so they can’t fall in holes or step in poop lava
Orome, go tell them we’ve decided this for them

so Orome goes to elftowne and he’s like guys
come live in our scary crystal god palace and have orgies forever
and some of the elves are like SWEET
but some of the elves are like NAW
and then on the way to orgyland a bunch more elves get lost
and some wander off on purpose
because they don’t want to have to climb any more mountains
or go in any more caves
The elves split up into a bunch of clubs, based on what they like
there are the swimmy elves, the ones who like the ocean
and there are the high elves, who don’t get much done
and there are the deep elves, which is what the high elves THINK they are
and then there’s the Other Elves
who are all the ones who didn’t make it to orgy land and have to keep dealing with reality
bummer.

So the moral of the story
is maybe try cleaning your room a little bit every day
so you don’t have to fight an epic war against your dirty socks
every time you have company.

THE END.

Share

J is for Jackal, and Also Jerkass

[hey go click that button over there and buy my book]
[over there] —————————————->

So today’s myth was lovingly hand-translated for me
by this guy
who is some kind of language wizard I think so don’t fuck with him
It is a berber myth
which means it comes from ancient Berbaria
which is actually not called that
and is not exactly a place
and is really just a bunch of dudes in North Africa who speak a language
whatever
it’s about what would happen if someone told Loki he could be whatever animal he wanted

okay so there’s this Jackal and he is FAMISHED
his stomach is emptier than my shriveled black heart
you could drop a quarter down his gullet and never hear it hit bottom
and he wouldn’t even grant you any wishes
because in addition to being hungry
he is also a huge asshole
with no powers more magical than the ability to speak and start shit

so this Jackal is walking along and he sees a lion
and he’s like “Yo man does your face hurt?”
(preparing to lay down some sick burns on this chump)
but the lion totally ruins the joke by saying “Yes actually
my face hurts real bad
mainly my eyes”
So the Jackal is like DUDE
sounds like you’ve got a serious case of leonine glaucoma
what you need
is some MEDICINE
and out here in the middle of the fucking desert
the best kind of medicine we have is hyena hearts
because weed has not yet been invented
hold on, I’ll be right back.

So the jackal goes out and finds a hyena
(PS: Hyena is apparently a dirty word in Berberese
because every time anyone says it they feel the need to apologize
Someone needs to teach these dudes how to say crusty ballsack or something
are you reading this, mister language wizard?
can you teach me how to say crusty ballsack in Berber?
For research, obviously.)
anyway the jackal is like YO HYENA MY MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT?
(Jackal is not known for his tact)
And Hyena is like man I sprained it doing backflips and shit
I don’t know, what do hyenas do?
anyway I need a doctor
(Holy shit this desert is just chock full of miserable animals)
and Jackal is like YOU’RE IN LUCK MY FRIEND
FOLLOW ME
And Hyena follows him
like an idiot

three hours later Hyena and Jackal arrive at Lion’s place
and Jackal is like alright man
here’s the doctor
and Hyena is like I don’t know
that looks less like a doctor and more like one of my natural predators
and the Jackal is like dude
DUDE
we live in the middle of a fucking DESERT
the best medicine we have is Hyena hearts
and the best doctors we have are lions
and the Hyena is like what was that about hyena hearts
and Jackal is like NOTHING SHUT UP
IT’S GOING TO BE FINE
HE TOOK THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH OR WHATEVER
and Hyena is like okay, I guess I’ll trust you
and he goes over to the lion
and the lion hits him on the head with a shovel and kills him
just like bam
and Jackal is like okay Lion
you go over there for a minute
I’ll just cut this dude up for you right quick
and then he does
but before the lion gets back
Jackal EATS THE FUCKING HEART HIMSELF
holy shit man
the one fucking part of the body you promised to the lion
and that is the part you eat
I thought this guy was being clever
convincing the lion to just take a small part of a big meaty corpse
but no
just being an asshole
all across the desert
yup.

Oh, consequences?
You want to hear about the consequences?
There are none.
No consequences at all for jackal.
What, you thought this story was going to have a moral or something?
Well it does
it’s this:
you wanna make an assload of money fast?
fuck impersonating a doctor
impersonate an insurance agent.

THE END.

Share

Aule and Yavanna Have a Passive Agressive Relationship

YES
WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY
WHERE TOLKIEN IS GOD AND SHIT DON’T MAKE SENSE
TODAY I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GOLDFUCKING MONSTROSITIES
THE DWARVES!!!
oh jesus that’s where the capslock key is thank god
i mean thank Tolkien?

okay so Aule right
he’s the rock god responsible for mountains and gold and chainsaws
basically all of the sweetest things are a direct consequence of this dude
and he’s sitting inside a mountain like FUCK
I have all of these completely legit skills I have totally mastered
and NO ONE TO TEACH THEM TOO
and the children of Iluvatar
meaning: the humans and the elves
aren’t supposed to get here for like EVER
SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

BUT WAIT
I’m really good at making stuff, right?
why don’t I just make some dudes
oh man this is gonna be so awesome
so he sits down and his forge
and he INVENTS DWARVES
but see
his memory is a little hazy on what people are supposed to look like
so he ends up abandoning most of the positive traits of the other two species
and replacing them all with BEARDS
and they’re all so weird-looking and sturdy and shit
that he figures he should probably give them a gold fetish
so they won’t be so bummed about how they have to have sex with each other
but so he’s putting the finishing touches on these things
when Iluvatar shows up like AULE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE
and Aule is like UH DEFINITELY NOT CREATING A SENTIENT SPECIES
and Iluvatar is like dude that looks like exactly what you are doing
and Aule is like fuck dude i’m sorry i got bored
look I’ll smash them all right now with a huge hammer
and all the dwarves are like DUDE NO NOT COOL
and Iluvatar is like look what you did
you gave them feelings and shit
we can’t kill them now, that would be totally lame
… alright
i guess you can keep them
but they have to go in cryo-freeze until the other races show up
because i have spent countless milennia planning this whole thing
and you are NOT going to fuck it up with your army of gifted midgets
and Aule is like okay I GUESS

so all the dwarves go to sleep
(and when I say all I mean seven)
and Aule’s wife Yavanna comes over like hey
heard you were making some dwarves
why didn’t you tell me?
I’m your wife
communication is key to a healthy relationship
plus now
since you kept them a secret the whole time you were making them
I didn’t get any input on them at all
which means they’re not going to be down with nature like AT ALL
I can already tell that they are gonna straight mutilate all my beautiful trees
and then set them on fire and laugh about it
and Aule is like well yeah
I mean
so are the humans
dudes need firewood, woman
it’s nice that you made so much of it
but uh
try not to get attached
and Yavanna is like THAT’S BULLSHIT
but it’s ok
cause i just had a great idea
which is that I’m going to make some trees that have FEELINGS
and not just feelings
but feelings and WEAPONS
and those trees are going to be able to stand up and kick ass at will
and Aule is like whoa that sounds SWEET
and Iluvatar
who has been dropping mad eaves because that’s what he do
is like AULE IS RIGHT
THAT SOUNDS
THE SWEETEST
WE ARE SO TOTALLY MAKING THOSE
so they invent ents
by just stuffing a bunch of souls in some trees
and then Yavanna goes to Aule’s forge
and she’s like ha HA
the trees have souls now
they’re totally gonna romp anyone who tries to chop them down
and Aule’s like yeah that’s great honey
people are still gonna need firewood though
so uh
good luck with that
and then he just goes right back to inventing chainsaws

so the moral of the story
is if you find yourself having to remake the fabric of the world itself
just to keep your spouse from destroying everything you believe in
well
that’s why Iluvatar invented divorce

THE END.(?)

Share

The Pied Piper is the Reason You Always Pay Your Contractors

Yo:
Silmarillion Wednesday
today, fairytales
i am trying to establish a pattern here guys how’s it working

OKAY SO TODAY
I’m going to tell you a tale I can’t believe i haven’t told you yet
it was suggested to me by self-proclaimed erotic queen, Elizabeth Sexx
and it is about proper labor practices

okay so there’s this village called Hamelin
it is in germany
and rats travel there from all around
probably because it’s got ham RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME
but it’s okay
because the cats pretty much have that shit on lock.

UNTIL THEY DON’T
yeah suddenly the rat population just SEXTUPLES
probably because of sex-tupples
which is a term i just made up
but I’m like a thousand percent sure you already know what it means.
anyway all the cats DIE
and all the food DIES
i mean gets eaten
and then the rats are out of food to eat
so they just start eating anything that is not either tied down or on fire
and then they eat the tied down and on fire things too
pretty much the only things they don’t eat are bullets and swords
which would be kinda ideal
if bullets and swords did anything against “a black sea of rats”

wow.
so the whole town goes down to city hall
and they’re like dude, mayor, fix this shit
and the mayor is like what do you want me to do
bullets and swords don’t work
all our cats have died of terror/shame
we don’t have enough food left to poison
things are NOT LOOKING GOOD MY FRIENDS

but then
this dude throws open the door of town hall
scattering like a hundred rats
and then like a thousand rats are dislodged from the ceiling
it is like a big rat party
with a rat pinata full of rat confetti and more rats
and the mayor is like WHO INVITED YOU TO THE RAT PARTY
and the stranger is like I INVITED MYSELF
I AM THE PIED PIPER, AND CRASHING RAD PARTIES IS WHAT I DO
and the mayor is like NO DUDE YOU MISHEARD ME
I SAID RAT PARTY NOT RAD PARTY
and the pied piper is like OH
WELL IN THAT CASE I HAVE A FEE FOR EJECTING THE RATS FROM YOUR PARTY:
A THOUSAND BUCKS
and the mayor is like dude
a THOUSAND?
I will give you fifty thousands of bucks
just get all these fucking rats out the village
and the piper is like DEAL

so everyone goes to bed in their seething beds of rats
and early in the morning
the pied piper runs through the village, soloing on his pipes
and all the rats are like HOLY SHIT
WHAT A RAT SOLO
I MEAN RAD*
and they all swarm out from everywhere to stage rush the piper
who leads them all out of town
and into a river
where they all drown.
BOOM.

okay, so awesome
the rats are gone, and the piper gets $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
right?
WRONG
because the mayor takes this opportunity to execute the time-tested strategy of kings everywhere
NOT
PAYIN
FOR SHIT
seriously why are kings such cheap assholes??
anyway the pied piper is like ok bro you are going to regret that
and he leaves
and everyone is like oh fuck dude what did you do
and the mayor is like uh
I just got rid of all our rats
FOR FUCKING FREE
what does it look like?
and they’re like it looks like you pissed off someone who is probably a wizard
FOR FUCKING FREE
and the mayor is like yeah well everyone has an opinion

so that night
while everyone is sleeping
the pied piper rolls back through town
(by the by
why the fuck is he the “pied” piper?
I don’t see him passing out any pies
or getting into any fights with clowns
or even being slightly delicious
dude plays tunes for rats
he needs to fix his damn name
although who wants to be groupies for The Rat Piper I guess)
anyway he’s rolling through town
playing his tunes
and everyone is so relived cause of no more rats
that they don’t notice when their children all turn into zombies and sneak out the house
to follow these sick tunes
and the piper leads all the children out of town
through a door he opens up in a mountain
and then he closes it behind all of them
and the only one who escapes is a little gimpy kid
because he was too slow to get inside before the door closed
so he tells everyone and everyone is sad
but hey, no more rats!
and at least it was free, right?
right?

Okay so the moral of the story
is break your children’s legs
all the legs
it will help keep them from being kidnapped by wizards

the end

Share

Melkor Knocks Some Shit Over

Hey guys
welcome back to JRR Tolkien’s answer to fun: THE SILMARILLION
Seriously
by the time you get three books into this
every paragraph is like fifty percent proper nouns
like I know you’re a linguist dude
I get it
I read about it on wikipedia
that does not mean you have to give everything THREE NAMES
DUDE DO YOU REALIZE
IF EACH THING HAS THREE NAMES
THERE ARE GOING TO BE THREE TIMES AS MANY NAMES AS THERE ARE THINGS
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ALL THOSE THINGS DUDE
YOU ARE GOING TO NEED A WHOLE OTHER UNIVERSE
AND THAT UNIVERSE
IS GONNA NEED ABOUT THREE MORE NAMES

maybe it gets better, i dunno
you’re getting my gut reaction on this
which i am honestly playing up a little for comedic effect
shit i just ruined it

ANYWAY
last time I kinda glossed over the part about how the world got made
and this time I am not going to make that same mistake
so let’s see…
yeah so Ulmo is king of the water
he makes all the water stuff happen
and he’s sort of a loner
this is because of the fourteen major gods that have chosen to reside on earth
twelve of them are married
and the remaining two are Ulmo, god of water
and Nienna, goddess of CEASELESS WEEPING
and even the god of the ocean can have enough saltwater, you know?
anyway he’s not important at all to this story
because his job is pretty much to lay low
and make sure nothing catches fire permanently

speaking of fire
let’s talk about that dickhead Melkor again
he’s just arrived on earth
and he’s real pissed because of the sweet gems this dude Aule is making
he’s real pissed because out of all the gods
Melkor’s powers are most similar to Aule’s
Melkor’s being heavy metal
and Aule’s being, of course, hard rock
so Melkor starts tearing up all of Aule’s shit
and Aule is building it back up as best he can
when along comes this dude Tulkas
whose WHOLE JOB
is just to wreck Melkor’s shit whenever Melkor shows up
so he does that
pretty much singlehandedly
and Melkor runs away and hides in space

so everyone’s like sweet! Awesome!
now that we don’t have to worry about everything exploding
let’s pimp out this rad planet we got
so they start jamming out hardcore
this hippie chick Yavanna starts making all these plants and shit
Aule is stacking up sweet hills like geology tetris
and they put these two huge spotlights on giant pillars to illuminate everything.
they are making excellent progress
and in no time at all, everything is basically as sick as it can possibly be
but like, the good meaning of sick
the bad one comes later
i am sorry for the confusion, but i was running out of synonyms for “sweet”

with that finished, the gods shift their prime directive
to the time-tested pastime of gods everywhere:
PARTYING
HEARTILY
so they all head over to this giant feast at Manwe’s and Varda’s place
(Manwe being king of the gods, and Varda being the queen)
and they are all chowing down and having a great time
and Tulkas (who has been fighting Melkor pretty much nonstop for like a week)
and Yavanna (who has been making plants pretty much nonstop for like a week
and is also pretty stoned)
both crash on the couch
for some well deserved rest
and it is THIS MOMENT that Melkor chooses to strike.
Seriously
when we the last time you heard about a celestial hoedown
that was not interrupted by some sort of cataclysmic party-foul?
(I was going to link to another myth there too
a Sumerian one about the origin of fetal alcohol syndrome
but then i realized it is only available in my book
coming March 5th!)

But Melkor doesn’t try to crash the party
no, he’s to crafty for that
instead he takes all his dudes
(cause he has dudes apparently)
and he has them all burrow under the ground way up to the north
and they make a huge fortress there
then he changes his name to Morgoth
because Melkor was not evil-sounding enough?
also he knocks over the pillars with the big spotlights on them
and the spotlights are not properly secured
so they fall over and light everything on fire
which is why you should always have your light fixtures installed by professionals.

So the gods shrug off their big ol’ hangovers
and they are like shiiiiiiiit
how did all this evil get up in our land?
seriously
plants are dying
animals are growing gross horns and murdering each other
mountains are shitting out lava and exploding everywhere
I tell you, this land used to be sick as hell
but now it is AS SICK AS HELL.
(haha I told you that shit was coming back)

but they can’t do anything about it
cause Melkor is in this invincible underground bunker
and it’s not like these are the guys that shaped the earth or anything
they’re powerless to stop him
so they do the next best thing
which is they uh
leave

YUP
the benevolent creators and protectors of the world
when faced with the main thing the world needs to be protected from
move to basically middle-earth’s equivalent of the bahamas
surround it in an impassible mountain range
and then spend the next age turning it into a deathless party pad for them and their crew
NICE

during this time they do shit like
Manwe puts his throne on top of the highest mountain of all
so he can eat popcorn and watch the world burn
while eagles and ravens fly up to deliver him news
because Tolkien realized he wasn’t ripping off enough norse mythology
and also Yavanna makes these two trees
called Telperion and Laurelin
which are actually sort of gross-looking if you think about it
i mean one has gold leaves and one has silver leaves
and the flowers on each of them sort of
…ooze light onto the ground?
I don’t care if it’s light or marzipan or fucking thousand dollar bills
anything that trickles or oozes out of a plant’s orifice
I do not want.
but anyway those things are basically the sun and the moon
the gods put them on this crazy 12-hour dimmer cycle
and thus invent time
which is redundant
because in their new kindom of Valinor
every time is partytime

BUT NOT FOR EVERYONE
shockingly there are still people who give a shit
about how Melkor is fucking everything to death
for example Ulmo gives a shit
because he’s never invited to any of the parties anyway
and Yavanna gives a shit
because she’s a goddamn treehugger
and Aule gives a shit
because someone has got to keep the rock alive
and this guy Orome kind of cares too
inasmuch as he occasionally rides through Middle earth just killing animals
and most of those animals are mutant beasts so i guess he’s helping?
but none of that matters
because everyone else is too busy partying
and it is hard to save the world
when all your roommates just keep dropping acid and shitting in your fridge

so the moral of the story
is if at first you don’t succeed
relocate to the equator and drown your failure in orgies

THE END…?

Share

Daedalus is a Way Bigger Asshole Than You Suspected

Yes guys I heard you
you want me to translate more of Tolkien’s dense jungle of fancy names for you
and you will GET more Silmarillion
I guarantee
except you are going to have to wait til Wednesday
because today I dug up a Greek myth you might also dig.

So Daedalus
you may remember him as the very smart guy with the very dumb sperm
but before he was that guy
he was the royal arch-nerd of Athens
trained by Athena herself
and he had an apprentice

this apprentice was named Perdix
or Talos
or Calus
or Circinus
or … Tantalus?
You know, maybe there were more than one of these dudes
and Daedalus just went through them like blueprint paper
which he probably also used as toilet paper
because he was too lazy to go to two different stores
you know how geniuses are.

But that is all baseless conjecture
so we’ll pretend these dudes were all the same person
because it makes the story easier
and we will call them all Perdix
because it sort of sounds like bird dicks
and now you have to think about that.

Perdix is twelve years old
and he is mad smart
I mean Daedalus is smart
he can build handjob robots and do math and parallel park like a motherfucker
but Perdix is so smart
one day he finds a fish skeleton on the beach
and he discovers he can use it to cut sticks in half
and then invents the saw
HOLY SHIT
this kid is so smart he can cut sticks in half with some brittle-ass fish remains
he is performing construction work
armed only with the type of shit satiated cats pull out of their gullets in cartoons
fuck inventing saws
who gives a shit about that, you can buy those at the store
who is this guy who can CONQUER WOOD WITH GARBAGE??

So Daedalus hears about this and is like aw hell no
I have been trying to figure out how to chisel granite with a rusty tin can for like
AGES
this kid is going DOWN
and then it turns out Daedalus is right
except what Perdix is going down on
turns out to be Perdix’s MOM
who is also Daedalus’s sister
DUDE IS LIKE TWELVE
HE HAS SO MUCH GAME.
and Daedalus is like okay
so not only is this guy better than me at science
he is also better than me at sex?
fuck this, everybody dies

so he’s like hey perdix
come with me up to this high tower so i can give you a geography lesson
and Perdix is like okay what’s the lesson
and Daedalus is like the lesson is that geography is very dangerous
when you are hurtling towards it at high speeds
ka-PUSH!

so perdix dies
and Daedalus stuffs him in a bag and starts dragging him to the dump
and people are like whoa dude what’s in that bag
and Daedalus is like “oh well I saw a snake on the ground
and it is against the law to leave snakes lying around
so i picked it up and put it in this bag”
but friends
take it from me
there is a big difference between a bag full of snakes and a bag full of dead kids
people figure out daedalus’s crafty ploy
about the same time the bag starts leaking copious amounts of blood
seriously for a genius inventor he is pretty bad at disposing of bodies.
I guess he does pretty good with Icarus, though, now that i think of it.

Anyway, Athena is not a big fan of this whole scenario
but all she does about it is turn Perdix into a partridge
and that is why partridges always stay low to the ground
or in pear trees or whatever
it’s because they don’t want to get pushed out of any more buildings
even though they can FUCKING FLY NOW.

As for Daedalus, he gets kicked out of the city
which is not a big deal because he just moves town the road to Crete
where he makes his living building anatomically correct fursuits for the nobility
until he gets in even more trouble

So the moral of the story
is you can either be successful in science
or successful in bed
being both is just asking your friends and instructors to defenestrate you

THE END.

Share

The Jam Session That Created the Universe, by J.R.R. Tolkien

So there’s some dudes
oh wait shit i got ahead of myself
first there’s only one dude
his name is Iluvatar
(but with an accent over the u
but fuck accents this is america)
but then Iluvatar has him some thoughts
and those thoughts turn into other dudes
and those other dudes are called the Ainur

so Iluvatar lines up all these Ainur
and he’s like alright dudes
I have called you all here today
because I have a great idea for a band
you see
some bands rock hard
some bands even rock out with their cocks out
my friends
we are going to rock out so hard
we are going to INVENT COCKS
and EVERYTHING ELSE, actually.
Everyone thinks this is mad sweet
so they all gather round
and Iluvatar teaches them
A MIGHTY RIFF
and then he’s like okay dudes
now it is time
for you
to JAM

so all these Ainu are jamming out
busting mad solos on their celestial instruments and whatnot
and Iluvatar is sitting in his arm chair all pleased
but then this one Ainu named Melkor has to come along
and stick his dick in the porridge, so to speak

Here’s Melkor’s deal:
he is by far the most gifted musician out of all these dudes
he’s like if Orpheus was playing a Bach concierto on a piano made of Mozarts
dude is a prodigy is what I am trying to say
so obviously he doesn’t feel the need to show up to celestial band practice
and instead spends most of his time wandering through the void
looking for the sacred flame that animates all creation
you know
like ya do.

But if H.P. Lovecraft has taught us anything
(and I’m not saying that he has)
it is that wandering through the void is an excellent way to go TOTALLY CRAZY
so Melkor basically morphs into a huge asshole
and shows up at the big important Ainu dress rehearsal totally wasted
and with an ELECTRIC GUITAR
[warning: electric guitars are not strictly a canonical part of this myth
but they are a strictly canonical part of any totally sweet band
so suck it]

so everyone is jamming with the sweet riffs Iluvatar gave them
and meanwhile Melkor is just shredding over there on his axe
paying less than no attention to the rhythm or key or anything
and eventually the dudes who are standing near him are like holy shit
this music makes my blood want to shoot out my skull and start doing pushups
fuck Iluvatar’s pussy-ass music of creation
it is time for some goddamn THRASH METAL UP IN HERE

so dudes start drop-tuning their harps and lyres and organs
and whatever other lame shit you use when you’re not playing speed metal
and within ten minutes Iluvatar’s sweet heavenly orchestra
has become Melkor’s doombattle moshpit slaughterhouse
so Iluvatar stands up
all slow and confident
and he puts up his left hand
and suddenly this new riff starts up
and it’s pretty sweet, and it’s actually managing to pull the song together a bit
but then Melkor is like FUCK DAT
and starts biting the heads off chickens and whatnot
beating his guitar against his face and eating rusty nails
so Iluvatar stands up again
and this time he looks a little peeved
and he puts up his right hand
and ANOTHER riff starts up
all beautiful and placid and harmonic and shit
but Melkor is having none of it
he is just mashing power chords with the amps turned up to gazillion
so finally Iluvatar gets REAL PISSED
and he puts BOTH hands up
and the music just STOPS
and he’s like way to go guys
look what you did:

so he gives them all the power of sight
because up to this point
we were just dealing with an entire orchestra of brilliant Stevie Wonders
and BAM
they all see the world that their music has apparently been making
no one told them this would happen
they just thought they were having a sweet jam sesh
and the world is AWESOME
and Iluvatar is like yeah i know it’s awesome
guys this was my plan
even your shit, Melkor
I planned that too
like all that fire and ice and lava and shit?
that is where we get snowflakes and rain and … and rad lava
so everyone wins!
and everyone is looking at this world
and all their licks and riffs and meedlies are encoded in the terrain
and they are totally getting their minds blown
and then DUDES start showing up
humans and elves!
and Iluvatar is like okay who wants to go live in this new world
and everyone is like OH ME ME ME
so they go to earth and become the Valar
except joke’s on them
because that shit they saw?
that was just a vision of how things are GOING to be
so now earth is just a screaming ball of magma and junk
and they are the ones who have to do the hard work of building it
so humans and elves can just show up and party

so naturally these dudes are pretty pissed
the main guys who got suckered into this
are Ulmo, who is mainly in charge of water
Manwe, who does wind stuff
Aule, who is a geology nerd
and Melkor who is an asshole
also Melkor invents fire
which is good
but he invents it by torching all of the other stuff
so, not as good

so imagine yourself in this situation
you’ve just been promised a paradise based on a sweet track you recorded
you pay the security deposit, sign the lease
and now you are stuck in a hell of fire and low property values
while your dick friend tries to immolate everything you own
and you are PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR RENNOVATING THIS PLACE

naturally the outcome is ceaseless wars
the Valor keep trying to build shit
and Melkor just keeps setting it on fire
over and over again
until finally the valor succeed in making something vaguely resembling a world
and all the humans and elves show up
and the valor all put on human and elf skins
because when they’re naked they’re just invisible
which is actually a pretty okay superpower depending on your body image
and Melkor doesn’t want them to have all the fun
so he tries to assume physical form too
but he is too metal for humanity, so he turns into a VOLCANO
and then more wars
but eventually less wars
and now, people!

So the moral of the story
is that shitty music is literally destroying the world.

the end.

Share

In Which Eating Kids is Not a Big Deal

I just looked out my window
the one window that is not completely obscured
by the plastic bags and broken dreams we have used to insulate our house
and it is a god damn winter wonderland out there
by which I mean
it is about t-minus ten minutes until my room-mates and I start drawing straws to see who gets eaten
AND WITH THAT IN MIND
allow me to re-introduce you to the people who pretty much invented being cold
THE ESKIMOS OF ANGMAGSALIK

Okay so there’s this dude
he is a pretty lonely dude
cause last winter all his neighbors starved to death and he ate them
so yeah
that’s some messed-up shit for a person to have to go through
and now it’s summer
(by which I mean slightly less terrible winter)
and he is back to catching seals and all is good
except he gets home one day with some seals
and he gives them to his wife to cut up
(yeah his wife is still alive too
which means you can’t blame any of the shit he’s about to do
on not getting laid)
but his wife is taking SOOOO LOOOONG to cut up those seals
and that boiling water looks SOOOO GOOOOD
and he gets to thinking “man, you know what I really miss?
the taste of human flesh.”
so he grabs his son and boils him alive
and then his wife comes back in like “hey where’s our son?”
and he hides the boiled child behind his back like “uh, uh…
who knows?
probably out playing with his friends or something”
and his wife is like “honey he doesn’t have any friends
we ate all his friends
but whatever, i guess
let’s eat dinner”

so they sit down for dinner
and the husband is real sly
and sneaks all that tasty child meat onto the table somehow
like i don’t know
maybe in a paper bag or something
and he decides that instead of eating the tasty seal meat
he is going to exclusively eat his own son
because i mean
if you go through the trouble to kill your son
you don’t want to let that meat go to waste
and it’s not like their whole nation is a vast refrigerator or anything
so leftovers are definitely not an option
which is why they end up throwing all the uneaten seal meat outside
where this old dude finds it and chows the fuck DOWN

now, this is no ordinary old dude.
This dude is the ONLY OTHER SURVIVOR of last winter’s cannibal holocaust
so he’s basically starving his ass off
in fact his ass long ago left him for greener pastures
what i mean is, he’s real skinny
(and someone ate his ass)

so this old starving dude eats all this steaming fresh seal meat
and then he goes inside and they give him MORE seal meat
and the whole time, cannibal dad is like “hmmm
maybe I’ll eat this guy too”
except he doesn’t
he just lets him crash at his place
and in the morning he kicks him out
because i guess the temptation would be TOO GREAT
and he gives the old man a ride back to his own house
and rows back in his kayak
and later they find out that the old man died
because he ate too much after starving for too long.
The end.

…wait
WAIT
THAT’S the end of the story?
There are literally NO consequences for filicide/cannibalism??
The whole time I was reading this story I was like damn
this dude is a grade A sociopath
good thing this is a fable designed to teach us lessons
and so he will not be allowed to escape unscathed
but as far as this myth is concerned
cooking and eating your own son
is about as dramatic as going to the fucking grocery store
ESKIMOS
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU:
WHATIS
WRONGWITHYOU

so the moral of the story
is obviously that the most efficient path to becoming a virtuous person
is to kill and eat everyone within a nine-mile radius
then you can’t help but be virtuous
because there’s no one left to kill and eat.

THE END.

Share