What’s So Great About Athens?

Hey guys I’m back
you may notice that the unspeakable things for money page is also back
it’s way different now though, so check it out
also, check this out:

I REMEMBERED ANOTHER GREEK MYTH
IT IS A FAIRLY WELL-KNOWN ONE TOO
What the hell was i doing
fucking around with all these obscureashell greek tales
with this populist gem glimmering the hell out of itself over here
it’s like all this time
I have been scrambling for change and half-melted hard candies in my couch cushions
when it turns out the couch cushions themselves were made of COTTON CANDY
CAN YOU IMAGINE GUYS
A COTTON CANDY COUCH
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO PUT IN YOUR HOUSE
THAT COUCH WOULD BE A PULSATING MASS OF ANTS WITHIN A WEEK
so uh
yeah
let’s talk about how Athens got its name

now back in the day, Athens was not named Athens
it was like when you form a band with your friends
and you have a few practices
and someone is like damn
we should come up with a name for our band
and then for the next week or month or whatever
everyone in the band is constantly dishing out the stupidest names possible
like Sandwich Mafia or Assnectar or Painful Bowel Obstruction
and it’s just not working
because you have to just let that shit happen, you know
so everyone in not-Athens is just wandering around for months
going “hey, what about High Five City?
Funky Town?
Painful Bowel Obstruction?”
until finally the gods are like fuck this
we’re naming your city after one of us and there’s nothing you can do about it

but there’s a problem
the problem is that gods are competitive as fuck
so they pretty much have a UFC-style throwdown to determine who gets to name the city
and finally there’s only two challengers left
Poseidon, god of wet
and Athena, goddess of exploding people’s foreheads
it is going to be the match of the century, my friends
but then Athena has to go and fuck it all up
by presenting a PEACEFUL ALTERNATIVE
SNORE

she’s like hey
how about we actually go down to the city
and we each offer them something really rad
and the city goes to whoever’s offering they like more
but hm … we need a judge
good thing the city is currently ruled over by a half-man half-snake named Cecrops
he doesn’t sound evil at all!
Hey Cecrops, wanna judge this contest?
and Cecrops is like YESSSSSSSS
GOOOOOOOOOD

so Athena and Poseidon both land on a mountain in the middle of town
and they flip a coin and Poseidon has to go first
so he just stabs the ground with his trident
and the ground is like AHHHGH I’M BLEEDING
and all this water comes gushing out
and everyone is like yayyyy, water
but then they taste it and they’re like what the fuck
this is salt water
and Poseidon is like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I AM POSEIDON
GOD OF THE SEA AND EARTHQUAKES
FUCK FRESH WATER
I FRANCHISED OUT ALL THE FRESHWATER TO A BUNCH OF LESSER GODS A LONG TIME AGO
TRY TO KEEP UP

so then it’s Athena’s turn
and all she does is plant a little seed in the ground
and then she uses god magic to make it grow real fast
and it’s an olive tree
and everyone’s like oh yay
olives
I mean, we already have those
like, we live in fucking Greece
but it’s better than this stupid salt-geyser poseidon made
so I guess you win
and Athena is like YESSSSSS
and then they go to type her name in as the name of the city
but some dumbass makes a typo, cause the s key is right next to the a
and that’s why it’s called Athens

so the moral of the story
is I guess not all snake-men are evil
Cercops turned out to be a pretty okay dude, actually

the end.

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Hiatusssss

Hey jerks

I am taking a break for this week
because my brother was inconsiderate enough to produce offspring
and now I have to go make friends with it
in order to do this I have to be in smogg city, California
where I do not own a computer
in fact I am typing this on a computer I found
and I have to go now because i think the owner is beginning to notice it’s missing

Love,
Ovid

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Tolkien’s Elves are So Dang Highschool

okay so when last we left our heroes
(man I am never going to get used to using the word “heroes”
to describe elves
it’s like using the word “food”
to describe anything that is not pizza)
they were dealing with a series of excruciating hundred-year truces
during which they had to suffer through unprecedented periods of peace and prosperity
and Morgoth had them in the palm of his gnarled hand
due to his brilliant strategy
of only attacking sporadically and with inferior forces
oh and also
two dudes had dreams and decided to build secret forts

So one of these dudes is called Finrod
he builds an enormous man-cave for all his bros
the other dude is named Turgon
and he builds a
well uh
it’s a little more complicated

so basically Ulmo tells Turgon that there’s this secret garden on top of a mountain
that is only accessible by going inside the mountain
using a tunnel caused by erosion from a river
which Ulmo makes behave so Turgon can go in
and the top of the hill where the garden is
is perfectly flat and stable
because it used to be a lake basin
except wait
it USED to be a lake basin?
so where is the water coming from that made the tunnel Turgon uses?
is this water flowing uphill?
also, where did the water from the lake go?
did it flow downhill somewhere?
if so, why didn’t that water make a canyon
thus rendering this inaccessible mountain retreat accessible?

okay I know what you’re thinking
“Ovid, this is a work of fantasy
you don’t gotta flip your shit over every boring detail”
EXCEPT GUYS
YOU ARE FORGETTING
THAT J.R.R. TOLKIEN IS A DUDE WHO DEDICATES A HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAGES
OUT OF A FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY PAGE BOOK
TO LISTING DUDE’S NAMES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
AND DEFINING THE ELVISH WORD FOR “NICE HAIR”
DUDE IS DETAIL ORIENTED
maybe i just misunderstood the geography though
that’s also possible

anyway Turgon builds a big fancy city up in them mountains
and then he goes there with all his dudes
and it turns out that all his dudes comprise about a THIRD OF THE ENTIRE NOLDOR
DUDE
THEY WERE USING THOSE GUYS TO FIGHT MORGOTH
but Ulmo is pleased as shit about this mass desertion
he’s like hey Turgon
your stronghold is gonna last like forever buddy
or at least it’s gonna be the last thing to go down when Morgoth starts burning shit
but lemme lay a prophecy on you:
eventually shit is gonna suck
and then a dude is gonna come and tell you how to fix it
so what I need you to do
is leave a special sword and some special armor in a special house
so that special dude can find it at a special time
and you will know who he is
here is a list of measurements for the armor
and Turgon is like dude
if you know this guy’s measurements why don’t you just describe him to me
and I’ll be sure to know who he is without all this armor bullshit
and Ulmo is like I AM THE LORD OF THE WATERS
and then he turns into mist and goes to hang out in a girl’s locker room or something

meanwhile, this chick Galadriel
(who is Fingon {the cave guy}’s sister)
is chilling with Melian
(who is the wife of Thingol
who rules over Beleriand
Which is the place the Noldor just randomly showed up in
on their way to find the Silmarils
which were made by Feanor
And then stolen by Morgoth
Who at the time was known as Melkor
And was originally one of the Valar
And all of them have names, too!)
and Melian and Galadriel are just shooting the shit
when suddenly Melian is like hey
we’ve talked a lot about Valinor, where you guys all used to live
but i feel like you guys aren’t telling us something
like about why you got kicked out?
and Galadriel is like oh uh
well
we didn’t get kicked out actually
we left of our own free will cuz Feanor’s dumb
and also because we are dumb enough to consider the Silmarils valuable
and Melian is like wait wait wait
are you saying the Noldor didn’t arrive here to save us from Morgoth’s first attack?
We totally thought that’s why you guys were here!
and Galadriel is like uh
well I mean that was a nice bonus, certainly
but we’re really just here for the bling.

So Melian is understandably pretty pissed
and she still thinks Galadriel is holding out, information-wise
and she totally is, because she managed to leave out the part
about how Feanor and his bros murdered a bunch of dudes and stole their ships
but Galadriel refuses to talk any more shit
so Melian just goes and tells her husband Thingol what she knows
and Thingol is like what the shit
what the unbelievable shit
I was already pissed off about these fancy high elves shitting up my countryside
but this is just too much
and then somebody else walks in
like hey has anyone told you guys about how Feanor murdered all those elves for their ships yet?
cause he totally did
that’s prolly something you should know
and suddenly the atmosphere in the room is REAL tense
because it turns out that Thingol has been in a meeting with some of the Noldor
THIS WHOLE TIME
so they’re all sitting there like uhhh
sorry?
and Thingol is like SORRY ISN’T GONNA CUT IT GUYS
YOU MURDERED DUDES FOR BOATS
FOR BOATS, GUYS
YOU CAN BUY THOSE
and then one of the Noldor who didn’t murder any guys is like HEY
WE’RE NOT ALL BOAT-OBSESSED MURDER ENGINES, OKAY?
SOME OF US ARE ALRIGHT DUDES
and Thingol is like OKAY I BELIEVE THAT
BUT WE’RE ALL SHOUTING SO MUCH THAT I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING RASH
SO HOW ABOUT THIS:
FROM NOW ON NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SPEAK NOLDOR-ESE I MY KINGDOM
OR ELSE THEY GET BANISHED
and all the Noldor are like Ah jeeze now we gotta learn another language
but they deal with it because whatever, that’s not really that big a deal

MEANWHILE
Fingon is down in his man-cave
and so naturally he has no wife with him
and Galadriel comes to visit
because Galadriel just goes around visiting everyone apparently
and she’s like hey dude
why no wife?
and he’s about to say “man, I dunno”
but instead he’s all of a sudden just like
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO SWEAR AN OATH AND THEN DIE HORRIBLY AND LEAVE NOTHING FOR MY CHILDREN TO INHERIT
and Galadriel is like oooookayyyyy
and Fingon is like oh shit what did I say
I hope it wasn’t a prophecy or anything

so the moral of the story
is that elves
are all gossipy bitches

NOT THE ENNNDDDDD

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Electricity, Part One

ok so being a scientist is hard right
i’m not a scientist
i’m more of a
i guess you would say
vagrant
but I have it on good authority that being a scientist is hard
you gotta like
go to school and do math and shit
and that’s a shame
because for too long now
science has been closed to bored lazy idiots
whose sole qualification
is that they don’t give a shit if they catch on fire
well my friends
after some exhaustive research
I have come upon a solution to this grave societal ill
here’s what you do:
instead of being a scientist
try being a scientist
IN THE 1600s

guys
science in the 1600s was basically just like throwing meat at a barn and seeing if it turned into anything cool
for real guys
There was a real dude
named Jan Baptist van Sweetname Helmont
[“Sweetname” added for emphasis]
who thought you could make scorpions
by putting a piece of basil between two bricks in your yard
HE WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT THIS
what i’m saying is that the bar for science in the 1600s was hella low
and dudes were capitalizing

basically here’s what happened:
somewhere along the line, dudes figured out that if you rubbed certain things on certain other things
other things would stick to those things
they discovered this because dudes love rubbing shit on other shit
and that’s great
because as soon as this amazing discovery is made
it opens the door to another hundred or so years
of just rubbing random shit on other shit in the name of science
for real this is all these guys are doing
this german guy spins a bunch of sulphur around
BAM
ELECTRICITY
then this english guy starts rubbing flannel shirts on windows
and mashing sugar cubes together
FUCKIN ELECTRICITY UP IN HERE
is there any thing that you can rub on another thing that will NOT produce electricity?
PROBABLY
PROBABLY THEY FIGURED OUT WHAT IT WAS
DURING THEIR HUNDRED YEARS OF GLEEFUL FRICTION

but so eventually dudes calm down about rubbing shit on their shit
much like teenagers entering into adulthood
and they start to do slightly more complicated things
like sometimes
after they rub shit on their shit
they press it up against other shit
to see if the electricity will go into the other shit
and then they discover that sometimes when you rub shit on shit
shit doesn’t stick to the shit
it actually gets pushed away!
holy shit!
and it turns out that if you rub silk on a window you get one kind of electricity
and if you rub flannel on sealing wax, you get another kind
and those two kinds stick to each other
(like i said
they had a long time to figure out what shit was good to rub on other shit)

Then somebody invents a jar you can put electricity in
it’s pretty cool
basically there’s a metal coating on the inside of the jar
and a metal coating on the outside
and one of the two kinds of electricity is on the outside
and the inside has the other kind
and that keeps the electricity from escaping
because it is the will of zeus that it be so

so people start experimenting with these jars full of dangerous
and this one guy gives himself the FIRST EVER ELECTRIC SHOCK
WHOAH
GUYS
are you telling me dudes had been rubbing shit on shit for well over a hundred years
and no one had yet fucked it up?
okay I take back what I said about 1600s scientists
those dudes were legit
but wait wait, check this out
so the Dutch guy says he wouldn’t shock himself again “for the crown of France”
which is no big deal because I don’t even think France has a king anymore
but then the Dutch guy has a couple weeks to think about it
and he realizes that getting an electric shock is actually REALLY COOL
and then suddenly everybody is buying these fucking jars
just to ELECTROCUTE THEMSELVES
it actually replaces microscopes as everyone’s favorite science thing
so okay
I un-take back what I said about old-times science
it sounds dumb as hell
and therefore PERFECT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME

then in 1706 Benjamin Franklin gets born
maybe I will tell you more about him later
but right now all you need to understand
is that if America has a Zeus
it’s probably Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin is the kind of dude who is instantly good at everything he does
and therefore develops a style of living
in which he struts dick-first into the thick of every problem he encounters
and fucks his way out the other side, grinning

so this guy decides he wants to know what’s up with electricity
which means he has to take a break from singlehandedly inventing Philadelphia
to run some experiments
and it turns out that there is one particular experiment
that everyone else is too much of a pussnexus to actually run
and that is the experiment
that will finally answer the age-old question:
“IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????”
COME ON
COME THE FUCK ON
IT’S FUCKING LIGHTNING
WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING IT GOES BZZT
AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRANSPARENT AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES
HOW IS THAT NOT OBVIOUSLY ELECTRICITY?
HOW CAN YOU COME UP WITH A THEORY THAT SCORPIONS COME OUT OF BRICKS AND PASTA HERBS
BUT NOT MAYBE TAKE A WILD GUESS THAT “HEY
MAYBE THAT GLOWING GOD-DICK THAT TURNED THE FARMHOUSE TO CINDERS IS MADE OF ELECTRONS”
man, the past is dumb

but Big Ben Franklin is NOT
so he does the smartest possible thing
which is to make a kite out of metal and silk
attach a key to the bottom
attach one of those electro-shock jars to the key
and go out in a fucking lightning storm
THIS GUY IS ON OUR MONEY, AMERICA
NOT ONLY IS HE ON OUR MONEY
HE IS ON A DENOMINATION OF MONEY THAT I’M NOT EVEN RICH ENOUGH TO POSSESS
AND I HAVE NEVER WALKED OUT INTO A FIELD WITH A SIGN ON MY BALLS THAT SAYS “ZEUS PLEASE KILL ME”
MAYBE THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG

anyway this experiment is a great success
Benjamin Franklin finally proves beyond a shadow of a doubt
that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be
and he writes a paper about it
and sends it to the Royal Society of London
and they’re all like PISH POSH
EVERYONE KNOWS LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES

all of which just goes to show
that no matter how suicidally dumb you are
there is ALWAYS someone dumber

TO BE CONTINUED??!??

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The War With Morgoth Is Slow As Molasses-Soaked Balls

doing this shit twice in a row
cuz I didn’t do it at all for a while
and because i stopped in the middle of a chapter
because the chapter was long
because NAMES
anyway look:

so Maedhros gets brought back to the other elves by Fingon
and he goes to all of Feanor’s old dudes
(not old as in wizened and crotchety
but old as in Feanor’s dead now
so they can’t be his dudes anymore now can they)
and Maedhros is like ok guys
I know there has been some bad blood between us
or more accurately some bad set-on-fire ships
and then some really bad death-march-through-ice-covered-wilderness
but seeing as we are camped like ten yards from Morgoth’s front door
maybe we should go back to being bros?
in the interest of that
i’m gonna go ahead and say that I am not king of the noldor
even though I’m Feanor’s oldest son
instead I think the king should be Fingolfin
you know, the guy who lead half our army through a raging shitblizzard just to get here
also have you seen Fingolfin’s hair, you guys?
dudes
there is a reason his name has the word hair in it TWICE
this bro has some luscious lady locks
some luxurious scalp-pubes
some A+ skull-fuzz, ok
and that shit is important to us because we’re elves

so but like some of Feanor’s sons are not down with this hair-based anti-nepotism
specifically this dude Caranthir
ok so
if you notice as the story goes on
that one of the elves is being a dick
you should probably assume it’s Caranthir
because he has basically taken over responsibility for being a dick
now that Feanor is dead
and it gets worse
cause now that all these Noldor are up in the North
they need a place to crash
and the best place they know is this dude Thingol’s house
you remember Thingol, right?
he’s the dude who was going to lead his army to Valinor
but was too busy getting laid to actually get on the boat

and honestly that whole thing has worked out pretty well for him so far
he has a whole kingdom of happy dudes working for him
and a hot wife
and an awesome cave fortress
except now here come all these rough and rowdy god-elves tryna take his shit

so he calls up Fingolfin and his bros
because he trusts them more for some reason
and he’s like ok guys
I know you’re family and all
technically we’re all family I think
which always makes sex really weird
but my point is
I don’t have couch space for your whole frikkin army
you gotta go out in the countryside and hang out there
because I’m not about to have you dirty western elves coming over here
takin our jobs
diddling our hot wives
none o’ that
no no no

so Fingolfin goes back to the other elves like alright guys
this kind of sucks I know
but It IS kind of rude that we just showed up and wanted to live in his house
and Caranthir recognizes that this is a good opportunity to be a dick
so he’s like NO FUCK THAT
WE SHOULD KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM AND TAKE HIS LAND
but Maedhros is like no dude shhh
don’t do that right now
do it later when it will REALLY fuck all of us over
and Caranthir is like Ok that’s fair
and then he goes and meets up with some dwarves
(cause oh yeah, the dwarves woke up)
and gets rich as fuck by trading with them
even though he is a big racist and thinks they’re gross

oh and while this is happening, Finrod and this other dude are out in the woods
and they fall asleep and Ulmo the water guy gets up in their dreams
all like DOOM DOOM DOOM GUYS
and they wake up like oh shit
we gotta build us some fortresses
but instead of letting each other know about their dreams
and maybe helping each other out
they tell each other NOTHING and TOTALLY SPLIT UP
and Finrod decides to build some sweet caves just like where Thingol lives
so he goes to thingol like yo dude do you know some caves
and Thingol is like yeah you know it
so then Finrod builds a place in some caves
and the dwarves help him
like basically for free
and on top of that they make him a powerful magical necklace
the magic makes it super light
and it always sits perfectly on the wearer’s neck

WAIT
HOLD ON
WHY IS IT THAT ALL THE MAGIC ITEMS IN MIDDLE EARTH FUCKING SUUUUUUCK
you’ve got the silmarils, right
which are basically just ultra-shiny jewels
and you’ve got this necklace
which is like the most powerful thing since forever
and all it does is refuse to flop around when you’re wearing it
let’s take a trip over to Norse mythology for a second shall we
where the least useful thing anyone has ever made
is a golden ring
that SHITS OUT IDENTICAL GOLDEN RINGS ALL THE TIME
anyway Finrod wears his pretty pretty necklace
and is pretty as fuck for however long, I don’t even care
oh also the other guy builds a fortress on a mountain
Ulmo tells him where to go eventually, because that guy was being slow

meanwhile, morgoth is doing
… nothing?
for real guys
like fifty years pass
and all Morgoth does is make ONE ATTACK that no one is expecting
and even though no one is expecting it
they totally ruin his shit
and set up a big siege around his fortress in Angband
but they can’t get in because mountains
and so hey, more peace!
except Morgoth never really stops sending out little groups of dudes for the elves to kill
he seems to love getting his dudes slaughtered
but finally he figures out that his orcs really suck at killing elves
which leads to him starting what is basically the cold war
i mean the war was pretty damn cold to start with
seeing as it takes place in the north first of all
and second of all they’ve fought like two battles in like A HUNDRED YEARS
but I just report the facts, ladies and gentlemen
and the facts are that the elves stay camped outside Angband for like another hundred years
waiting for Morgoth to invent dragons

so finally he does
but one of these dragons is way too eager
and it’s still just a little fire-breathing baby when it launches out of Angband
pissing brimstone and laughing
and Fingon stabs it a bunch and it gets sad and goes home
and everyone is like yayyy we’re saved
when what they should be saying is oh shiiit dragons
then no one fights anyone for ANOTHER 200 YEARS

so the moral of the story is
i guess you’re a lot more reluctant to fight ceaseless wars
when you have infinite lifespans
except wait, no, fuck that
the norse proved that one wrong as well

(NOT) THE END

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J.R.R. Tolkein is a Goddamn Copy-Catter

fuck guys
fine
i get it
you want more Silmarillion
or if you don’t
you didn’t express your opinion loud enough
welcome to the internet
you have wandered into one of the bad parts

so when last we left our heroes
Feanor was burning bridges with the other half of his family
and by bridges i mean boats
and by burning
i mean actually fucking burning
he burned his boats
with fire
for real
what the perfect fuck
guys
you know what I want
more than almost everything else in the world besides infinite blowjobs?
A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT
and this dude is just setting them on fire for laffs
like i get it dude
you don’t want to give your bro Fingolfin a ride over to your side of ice hell
but you could just
you know
NOT GIVE HIM A RIDE
you don’t have to set fire to a bunch of perfectly good boats
god

anyway then Feanor is like EXCELLENT
THOSE PUSS-CLOWNS WERE THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM ACHIEVING MY GOAL:
AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON MORGOTH’S IMPREGNABLE STRONGHOLD
WITH ONLY HALF OF OUR TOTAL FORCES
then he unleashes his fearsome war cry
which if you haven’t guessed by now
sounds like this:
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

so he gets his ass handed to him
his literal ass gets literally handed to him
like a balrog lops it off with one of those crazy fire whips
and is like here dude
you seem to have dropped this
maybe because you were so distracted by all those mortal wounds you have
anyway have fun dying
and Feanor is like NO
and then he dies
but not before he makes all his sons swear to continue his dumb quest forever
because heaven forbid we let Morgoth have some fuckin shiny jewels or whatever
also when Feanor dies
he is so full of rage that his corpse seriously catches on fire and burns to cinders
so that part is rad at least

but then Morgoth sends a messenger like “hey guys, truce?”
and they’re all like haha we’ll totally bring a bigass army to the truce and fuck up Morgoth’s shit
but it turns out Morgoth was planning to do the EXACT SAME THING
only he betrays them harder than they betray him
because that’s what he do
and he ends up killing the whole ambush party and taking this dude Maedhros hostage
and hanging him from a rock
then all Feanor’s sons are like shit
maybe we should chill out for a while

meanwhile, Fingolfin and co are chilling out in a more literal way
they have made it across the gigantic hockey field of pain that is the northern passage
and they are searching for Feanor so they can fuck
shit
up
but then they get there and Feanor is dead
and Maedhros is captured
so instead of immediately killing each other
they kinda set up camp next to each other and it’s super awkward
and it’s at this point that Morgoth decides to fuck environmental regulations
and just start polluting like a mofo
so the sun is all blotted out
and dudes are miserable

Enter Fingon
Fingon feels like shit
because everyone’s fighting and he’s a wuss who doesn’t like fighting
so without consulting anyone
he decides to go rescue Maedhros
(Maedhros is one of Feanor’s sons, and Fingon is one of Fingolfin’s)
so he sneaks into Morgoth’s house to go get Maedhros
but he can’t find Maedhros cause Morgoth is not a dumbass who just leaves prisoners lying around
so basically what he does
is he hunkers down in a hidden crevice in Morgoth’s mountain fortress
and he dusts off his best singin’ voice
and he’s like
“SHE’S SO:”
and then he waits
with bated breath
until at last
almost imperceptibly
he hears the familiar voice of his long-lost friend, echoing down the halls:
“…HEAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”
and that’s how he finds Maedhros

but Maedhros is chained to a rock
(HEY, JUST LIKE PROMETHEUS)
and he’s so miserable he just wants to be killed
so Fingon is like aw shit cuz
lemme take care of that for you
and he’s about to shoot Maedhros in the face with his bow
except that’s when Manwe, INSANELY PASSIVE KING OF THE VALAR, finally decides to intervene
see, Manwe knows what’s going on right now
because all the birds in the world fly back to him and tell him what’s up
(HEY, JUST LIKE FUCKIN’ ODIN)
so when Fingon lets his arrow loose
a fuckin EAGLE flies out of nowhere and grabs that shit and carries it away
and Fingon is like aw fuck
sorry about that, Maedhros
lemme just get another arrow real quick…
and Maedhros is like no no no dude
probably it’s a sign from the gods or something
totally a sign from the gods
and Fingon is like okay I guess
but they still can’t figure out how to set Maedhros free
cause fingon didn’t think to bring a metal file on his dungeon quest
so finally they come up with what they probably should have tried straight away
they cut off Maedhros’s shackled hand at the wrist
so he can just leave
and then he learns to wield his sword with his other hand
and rapidly becomes the biggest badass the world has ever seen
(OH HEY EXCUSE ME LADIES AND GENTLEMAN
BUT HAVE ANY OF YOU HEARD OF A FELLOW NAMED TYR?
WHAT THE FUCK TOLKIEN
WHAT, OUR HEARTS AND MINDS AREN’T ENOUGH?
YOU’VE GOT TO STEAL YOUR *IDEAS* TOO?
FOR REAL DOG
IT TAKES SOME SERIOUS NARRATIVE SKILL
TO STEAL THREE OF THE RADDEST CHARACTERS FROM MYTHOLOGY
AND CRAM THEM ALL INTO A SIX MILLION PAGE LEVIATHAN OF A STORY
THAT STILL SOMEHOW LACKS ANY QUALITY SEXY TIMES
BESTIALITY
EXPLOSIONS
DICK JOKES
OR BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A PROPER NOUN
OR A SYNONYM FOR A PROPER NOUN
THAT IS IN ITSELF
ALSO
A PROPER
FUCKING
NOUN.
CLOSE PARENTHESES.

anyway once Maedhros is back he’s like guys
Fingon totally saved my bacon
maybe we should stop hating each other
i mean true, he did cut off my hand
but darth vader did that shit to luke skywalker
and he was that dude’s DAD
so i think we can learn to forgive and forget
so let’s put our differences aside
and focus one what’s really important:
stealing back our shiny jewels from Fantasy Satan

so the moral of this part of the story
is that sometimes cutting off your friend’s hand
is exactly what you need to do to save your friendship
but it’s like
SUPER context-dependent

TO BE CONTINUED

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