The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped

Okay so where were we?
Oh yeah
some chick was wandering around
sleeping with creepy goth forest dudes
and then everybody got murdered with poison spears
In other words
all the elves are busy being horny goddamn drama queens
while Morgoth is up in his hell castle amassing orcs
it’s sort of like when Alexander Great killed all those dudes that one time
by fake-attacking them every day for like six months
until finally they stopped taking it seriously and he attacked them
except instead of like six months
Morgoth has been playing this high-stakes game of I’m-not-touching you
for like FIVE HUNDRED YEARS
so naturally the elves are pretty bored
and one of the ways they try to relieve their boredom
is by going out into the forest and murdering animals

BUT HERE’S THE FUCKED UP PART:
The elves are so bored
that they even get bored
OF THE THINGS THEY ARE DOING BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED
so one day one of them wanders away from his hunting party
(Finrod Felagund, if you like names)
and stumbles upon a bunch of HUMANS
and he’s like what the balls
who are all these pink fleshy problem machines
sitting around campfires and beatboxing all night long
they seem pretty chill, i’ma go see what’s up

so in true creeper fashion
Felagund waits until they’re all asleep
and then he goes down to the campsite
and picks up somebody’s electric guitar
and just starts jamming out SO HARD
that everybody in camp is pretty sure they’re still asleep
and jimi hendrix is just straight molesting their dreams
and Felagund isn’t just jamming
he’s also singing
he is singing what basically amounts to a recap of the story so far
so all the men are like “oh damn
so that’s what’s been going on while we’ve been busy being dumb with the dark elves”
see, these men are from the east side
and they have come to the west side, where the elves are
because they heard that this might be where valinor is at
in fact they immediately assume Felagund is one of the Valar
but Felagund is like no guys
I’m just a regular dude
except way
way
better
(stupid elf!
when someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes!)

so men are like “aww
that’s disappointing
but we’re still down to receive wisdom if you got any”
and Felagund is like “sure”
and he spends a bunch of time teaching them shit
and then other dudes show up
and a lot of them become huge elf fanboys
probably because Felagund’s “wisdom” is actually pro-elf propaganda
which means that the best aspiration a lot of humans can think of
is to go enslave themselves to the elves
the other reason they do this
is that King Thingol of the Elves
(whose main job in this story
is telling people to get off his lawn)
is like NAW
NO HUMANS IN MY CRIB
and so the only way humans can hang out in elf land
is by being servants

so they do that
and more humans keep showing up
and the humans and the elves become great pals
despite the fact that Thingol’s sort of a dick
and Morgoth is all FRIENDSHIP?!!
SHIT
so he runs over to the human city
and he transforms himself into one of the important human dudes
and he’s like GUYS
LISTEN UP:
We came to the west side looking for the gods, right?
well how many gods did we find?
THAT’S RIGHT
ONE
WHICH ONE, YOU ASK?
WHY, ONLY MORGOTH, LORD OF HATE
My friends
if you are only going to find one god
Morgoth is LITERALLY THE WORST GOD YOU COULD POSSIBLY FIND
Guys, fuck this
let’s go home

so a lot of the humans are like YEAH
but then the guy who Morgoth was pretending to be shows up
and everyone’s like GREAT SPEECH DUDE
and he’s like what?
what speech?
MORGOTH!!!!
and Morgoth’s like HAHA YOU GOT ME
FUCK YOUUUUUUU
and then he runs away
(fun fact guys:
the word FUCK was the six hundred and sixty-sixth word in this myth
FIVE HUNDRED MYTHS AND I’M STILL ON TOP BABY)

so after that
a lot of the humans are understandably pissed at morgoth
but a lot of the other humans are like damn
shit is getting way to real for us up here
later, guys
and they go south and stop being a part of this story
which is probably the smartest decision anyone has made so far
and meanwhile the rest of humanity settles down
to the noble business
of choking on elf-dick for a couple centuries

so the moral of the story
is that you should start practicing some scales
cause if you solo hard enough for a bunch of humans
they will become your SLAVES

the end

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Hippocleides more like HipHopcleides

OKAY TECHNICALLY THIS IS NOT A MYTH
it is a history
but this history comes to us courtesy of Herodotus
who is about as historically rigorous as salad
so we’re BACK IN MYTH TERRITORY, NUMBNUTS
(hey is it just me
or does “numbnuts” lack a plural form?
what if I want to call a bunch of people numbnuts at once?
that’s what I was trying to do just now, and it didn’t work
okay from now on, it’s “numbnutses”
you’re welcome)

Anyway Herodotus says there used to be a dude called Cleisthenes
and Cleisthenes has a daughter named Megan
wait shit I read that wrong
her name is Agariste
and Herodotus doesn’t say whether Agariste is super hot or not
but at least Cleisthenes seems to think so
because he gets it into his head
that only the best dude in the world should be allowed to marry her
and since, as we all know, women are property
what he does is he builds this huge obstacle course
with like chariots and rope swings and swimming pools full of sharks and eels and bears
and then he invites every dude in the known world
to come chill at his house for a year
and participate in what is basically the ancient greek equivalent of the Bachelorette

now I know this whole “triathlon for pussy” scenario may sound familiar
but I want to make this abundantly clear:
Cleisthenes is NOTHING like Atalanta’s dad
nobody is killed for failing the high-jump
or doing too few laps
instead, everybody gets free food and booze for a year
and it’s generally just a huge awesome party
which means all these suitors must be going around thinking DAMN
I REALLY WANT THIS DUDE TO BE MY FATHER IN LAW

so finally the time comes for Cleisthenes to pick a winner
and he’s had his mind made up for a while now
there’s this dude Hippocleides who is obviously Mister Right
he’s got muscles like Ice-T’s got problems
which actually now that I think about it is not a lot of muscles
cause most people have about 700 muscles
and Ice-T only has 99 problems
but here’s the important thing:
NOT ONE OF THEM IS A BITCH

so Cleisthenes is all set to declare Hippocleides his new son-in-law
and he throws a huge party for the announcement
and everybody at the party is trying to convince him at the last second
by telling funny jokes and busting sweet dance moves
but Hippocleides is out-dancing them all
dude is jolly like a fire truck full of drunk Santas
and he’s really getting into it
he gets so into it that he makes somebody bring in a table
SPECIFICALLY SO HE CAN DANCE ON IT
and he’s up there doing the running man and the twist and the macarena
stickin’ out his butt and waving it around
and then he gets REAL ill and starts BREAKDANCING
spinning around on his head with his feet waving in the air
and Cleisthenes is NOT AMUSED

see, Cleisthenes is pretty chill overall
but if there’s one thing he can’t stand
it is TOO MUCH DANCING
so in the time it takes Hippocleides to cut a significant quantity of rug
Cleisthenes’ image of him has gone from Chiseled Greek God
to Extremely Low Resolution Jpeg Of A Horse Urethra
but he’s doing okay, he’s keeping it together
until Hippocleides starts windmilling his wang in time to the beat
at which point he just loses his shit and he’s like HIPPOCLEIDES
YOU JUST DANCED AWAY YOUR MARRIAGE
and Hippocleides is like
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT
and just keeps right on dancing
(“and that,” says Herodotus, “is where that saying comes from.”
which begs the question
was “Hippocleides cares not” the first meme ever?
and if so
WHY ARE WE NOT SAYING IT ALL THE TIME?)

so Cleisthenes is forced to pick someone else
this duded named Megacles
who should have been his pick all along
because … because Megacles. That’s why.
Then everyone else gets like a thousand bucks and goes home

so the moral of the story
is that uninhibited dance moves may cost you a marriage
but you’ll still get a thousand bucks
and then you get to keep being single and dancing a lot
but is it worth it?
can a man truly be fulfilled by a life of solitude and rad hip gyrations?
I’ll give you a hint:
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT

THE END.

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Krishna Probably Has Terrible Dental Hygiene

Last week I told you about what a larcenous lardass little Krishna is
so today I feel it is only fair
to explain to you why it is
that his foster momma Yasoda lets him get away with this shit
(spoilers: it’s because he’s a god)

Basically what it comes down to
is that butter is not the only thing Krishna is constantly stuffing in his mouth
matter of fact
there are few things Krishna WON’T shove through the ol’ tooth-hole
seriously, if you cut open the child-god’s stomach
it’d be a cross between candyland and a dead shark
mountains of sugar-butter just barely obscuring old boots and tires and less immortal children
so naturally Yasoda starts to get a little worried
cause she’s supposed to be taking care of this kid
and he’s just eating whatever shit comes his way
she’s never seen him eat actual shit, but she knows it’s just a matter of time
and at this time, Kansa is still king
so the department of child welfare is under his control
so she can’t afford another complaint from the neighbors

all this to say
that she gets a little paranoid about what Krishna is putting in his mouth
so one day she sees him out in the garden with a big handful of dirt
chewing thoughtfully
and she runs over like KRISHNA YOU SPIT OUT THAT DIRT RIGHT NOW
and Krishna is like what
what dirt?
and she’s like THE DIRT THAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE PRICK
and he’s like I ain’t got no dirt in my mouth
and Yasoda is like oh come on you impudent baby
you are clearly eating soil right now
and he’s like no i’m not
and she’s like okay, prove it
open up your mouth and let me look inside
and NO SWALLOWING
(it just occured to me that there are probably a lot more situations in life
where you are encouraged to swallow, as opposed to discouraged
just something to ponder)

so Krishna is like fine
and he opens his mouth
and Yasoda looks inside
and sees
THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
like there’s the earth
and space
and the ghosts of christmas past present and future
high-fiving the flying spaghetti monster
and Jesus and Sekhmet are having a boat race
and Cthulu is there
and there are supernovas going off all the time
and cosmic dust, and everybody’s embarassing secrets
all the shit you haven’t done yet, but could potentially do if you were drunk enough
plus all the booze to make it happen
plus all the oxygen
all the carbon
all the hydrogen, helium and goldfish snack crackers necessary for life as we know it
plus a really big gross tongue
and Yasoda is like
whoah

so Krishna closes his mouth
and Yasoda is like okay so obviously you’re the lord of the universe
that is what that means
but you know what else that means?
it means you were LYING, you little shit
you totally have dirt in your mouth!
you have literally ALL OF THE DIRT IN YOUR MOUTH
then she bends him over her knee
and spanks the crap out of him
it takes a while
there is a lot of crap to spank out.

So the moral of the story
is that you shouldn’t put everything you encounter in your mouth
but if you have everything in your mouth already
you’re pretty set
what I mean is, there’s always a loophole
and sometimes that hole is your mouth

the end.

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Krishna is a Butterface

So I told you a story last week
about how Krishna evaded a non-consensual abortion
with a mind-bendingly biological version of the cup-and-ball trick
and I’ve already told you about the lady who tried to kill Krishna shortly thereafter
using the unlikeliest/sexiest of all weapons:
her tits
but what I haven’t told you
is why all these people want Krishna dead.
see, according to a number of reliable sources
Krishna
8th incarnation of the lord of the universe
is a little prick.
allow me to illustrate:

Krishna loves butter
i mean he loves butter
like I feel as if we all know people
whose eating habits are so poor
that they might as well just be eating nothing but butter all the time
but Krishna is actually going whole hog on this losing proposition
he’s cashed in his god status for a set of teflon arteries
and is proceeding to further grease those arteries
with gallons and gallons of pure, high-octane butter

this would be marginally more okay
if Krishna had, like, a job
where he made money that might allow him to purchase butter
but Krishna has discovered a neat life hack called “stealing”
that allows him to slurp from the unlimited buttertrough
FREE OF CHARGE
ALL DAY EVERY DAY
HE DOESN’T NEED TO SLEEP OR ANYTHING EVEN
BECAUSE REMEMBER
HE’S A GOD
HE IS A GOD AND THIS IS WHAT HE IS DOING WITH HIS TIME.

now I don’t know how familiar you guys are with stealing
but generally it makes the people you are stealing from pretty mad
especially if in addition to stealing
you are also doing things like letting out their cows
and pissing on their floors
and pinching their babies if they don’t have any butter for you
real high-efficiency dickery, you know?
so finally everybody in town gets together
and they go over to Krishna’s foster mom Yasoda and they’re like Yo
your son is a menace
he’s stealing all our butter and there’s nothing we can do
we try hanging it up high
and he stands on the shoulders of his friends
we try hanging bells on the butter to warn us
but he commands the bells to be silent
we try putting the butter in pitch-dark rooms
but he ILLUMINATES THE ROOMS WITH THE DIVINE EFFULGENCE OF THE MANY PRECIOUS GEMS ON HIS BODY
LADY
WHY IS YOUR SON COVERED IN DIVINELY EFFULGENT GEMS
WHY IS HE USING HIS SUPERPOWERS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EATING OUR BUTTER
WHAT THE HELL LADY

and Yasoda’s like yeah I know
I know okay
you think he’s not stealing my butter too?
he steals my butter the worst of all!
he’s like a regular Jerry Mouse up in my cow product
and if I call him out on it
like hey kid you stole my butter
he’s just like I have no idea what you’re talking about
and if I point out the fact that he is literally COVERED in butter
he’s like oh that
yeah
well it’s probably your fault anyway
so then I tie him to a pillar, like you do in these situations
but the rope won’t fit
so he has to tie it for me
and then he looks at me all innocent and he’s like hey mom
if we own everything in our house
then how could I be stealing butter?
and I’m like KRISHNA
YOU ARE A FUCKING TODDLER
YOU DON’T OWN SHIT
THIS IS MY BUTTER, STEP THE FUCK BACK
and then he’s like But Mother
I’m tied to this pillar
I cannot step anywhere at all
AND GUYS
I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE JEWELS COME FROM EITHER
THEY’RE JUST KIND OF THERE
UGH

now I wish I could tell you that at some point Krishna learns his lesson
and stops stealing butter
and you know what? He does eventually stop stealing butter
but it’s not because he feels bad
it’s because he’s moved on to stealing poontang
(which is a whole other story)
but apparently the whole point of his butter stealing
is to teach everyone a valuable lesson about ownership or something
which is sort of like if I chopped your arm off and ate it
in order to teach you a valuable lesson about cannibalism

so the real moral of the story
is if your kid starts stealing all your butter
just stop buying food for a while
see how long that little fucker lasts

the end.

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