Genies are Connoisseurs of Hotness

So in honor of thanksgiving just having happened
I thought I’d do a little story
from the arabian nights
because fuck you guys I can do what I want

So there’s this dude
Kamar Al Zaman
and Kamar al Zaman is more than just a dude with an awesome name
he’s a dude with an awesome name who is a PRINCE
and Prince Kamar Al Zaman has been doing some reading
and all of his reading has convinced him
that getting married is a sucker’s game
(mainly because Arabian writers of the time had some opinions about women)
but his dad is not on board with this never-getting-married scheme
because of the very real problems inherent in a patrilineal monarchy
so when his son is like NEVER GETTIN MARRIED
the sultan goes to his advisor and is like AHHH WHAT DO I DO
and the advisor is like chill out dude
just ask him again

so the sultan goes and asks his son to get married again
and his son is like DUDE
HAVE YOU EVEN READ THESE BOOKS I AM READING?
WOMEN ARE OBJECTIVELY HORRIBLE
WHY WOULD I WANT TO SIGN A CONTRACT THAT MAKES ME PERMANENTLY HAVE TO BE CLOSE TO ONE
and the king is like son
there is a reason those books are not picture books, is all i’m gonna say
and his son is like WHATEVER DAD YOU DON’T CONTROL ME

so the sultan goes back to his vizier and is like okay dude
what’s the plan
and the vizier is like take it easy dude
all you gotta do is ask him AGAIN
but this time
do it in front of a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE
then he will be too embarrassed to say no

so that’s what the king does
he invites all his friends over and then he tells his son to come in
and he’s like hey son, any idea when you’re gonna start getting married?
and his son is like GOD, DAD
I ALREADY TOLD YOU:
WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE SOUL-VAMPIRES
PLUS
YOU ALREADY ASKED ME THIS SAME FUCKING QUESTION TWICE
AND I TOLD YOU MY ANSWER TWICE
WHAT ARE YOU, SIMPLE?

so obviously the sultan’s plan to embarrass his son has totally backfired
and he does the only thing he can do in the situation
which is to put his son under house arrest in a tower as punishment
because if your problem is that your son isn’t marrying anybody
the only logical solution is to wall him away in a tower far from ALL WOMEN
unless …
unless the plan is to make him so lonely and horny that he will welcome soul vampirism as an antidote
in which case
nice one, king

whatever the king’s plan is, we don’t get a chance to come out
because this is about when genies start showing up
the prince has cried himself to sleep
and he’s lying in bed
when this genie comes in
just cause genies like breaking into houses and shit
and she’s like WHOAH
HOLY SHIT
THIS HAS GOT TO BE
THE HOTTEST SLAB OF MAN-BACON I HAVE EVER LAID MY MAGICAL EYES ON
IF I HAD A DONG IT WOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN OUT THAT STONE WALL THERE WITH A PROJECTILE ERECTION
I GOTTA GO TELL THE OTHER GENIES

so she’s flying along
while visions of hot dudes dance in her head
when she runs face-first into another genie coming from China
and she’s like HEY GENIE FRED
GENIE FRED
I JUST SAW THE SEXIEST HUMAN IN THE WORLD
and Genie Fred
(not actually his name)
is like no
you did not
because the hottest human in the world is over in china
and you seem to be coming from exactly the wrong direction

so naturally the two genies get into a huge fight over this
and finally the first genie takes the second genie down to the prince’s room
and she’s like eh? eh?
and fred is like yawn
I mean
he’s pretty hot and everything
but I’m not really into dudes
this chick I just saw in china
(who, conveniently, has been locked up by her parents after refusing to marry)
was so bo-damn-dacious
she might just turn you gay
and the female genie is like well I have always wanted to be gay
let’s roll

so they go check out the Chinese princess
whose name is Budur
and opinions are similarly split
so they decide that the only way to settle this
is with a side-by-side comparison

normally this would be a problem
but in this case genies are involved
so they grab the prince
and they bring him to china
and they put him in the princess’s bed with her
and they look at them side by side
but they STILL can’t agree on who’s hotter
but they have an idea:
they’re gonna wake up one of these two hotties at a time
and whoever is more excited about the other’s bod
that’s the one who loses

so they wake up the prince first
and he is naturally very excited to be in bed with a total babe
so he’s all caressing her
and murmuring all manner of sweet nothings into her ear canals
but he keeps himself kind of under control
because he’s a nice dude at heart
and he doesn’t feel right about getting all rapey on the prettiest girl in the universe

but then the genies knock him out
and wake up the princess
and the first genie
well, she’s really hypercompetitive
so what she does is she turns into a flea and bites Budur right on her inner thigh
which Budur apparently mistakes for sexual arousal
and so has none of the rape-related qualms harbored by her male counterpart
she’s all grinding on him
and making out with his asleep face
and putting her signet ring on his finger
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
until finally the genies are like okay enough go back to sleep

the winner is pretty clear at this point
so having settled that matter
they pick up the prince and take him back to his castle
and the two lovers wake up in the morning like AAAAA WHERE IS MY HOTNESS

I mean, don’t worry
eventually they figure out who each other are
even though they don’t have the internet or anything
and it’s great and heartwarming
but it’s also fucking boring
so let’s just leave it there

because see what’s really important to remember here
is that women find insect bites to be highly arousing
so fellas
maybe don’t wash those filthy bedsheets after all
TRUST ME

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Christopher Columbus Has An Extremely Poor Sense of Direction

so i thought i would cunningly segue
from vaguely sea-related shit
to vaguely thanksgiving-related shit
and it turns out that there’s really only one story
fit to fill that extremely necessary niche
and that is the story of one of history’s greatest entrepreneurial sea-jerk
i refer, of course
to CHRISTOFAR COLOMBO

wait shit, that isn’t his name
well that’s cool
Christopher Columbus isn’t his name either
his real name is something like Crystal Balls-Colon
and with a name like that
it is shocking to me that he did not end up as a headliner at the 14th-century’s equivalent of Chippendale’s
let’s just call him Chris

So Chris is a cheese-merchant’s son
who works at his dad’s cheese shop
but unlike most sons of cheese merchants at this time
Christopher Columbus has an EXCELLENT PLAN to make MAD BUXX
you see Chris lives in Western Europe
and Western Europe is fucking CRAZY about opium
and also whatever else China and Japan sell
like tea and silk and nyancats
and up to this point in history this has not been an issue
because dudes from western europe can just walk across eastern europe into china
buy some shit
and walk back
(it takes kind of a long time but whatever)
but then a bunch of dudes start killing each other right in the middle of the walking trail
and everyone from europe is like fuck this
I like getting high slightly less than I like having my organs inside my body
but I still REALLY LIKE getting high
we have to find another way into Asia
HOLY SHIT LET’S USE BOATS

Most of these people try to get Asia by sailing south
around the bottom of africa
and then east
to where asia is
but Christopher Columbus has a different, fiendishly brilliant plan
his plan is to sail WEST
AWAY from where asia is
and then … be in asia

now granted
the world is round or whatever
if you sail far enough west you eventually go off the map and come back on the other side
but see the problem is that china is like twelve thousand miles away if you try to go that way
a problem that Christopher Columbus solves
by doing his math wrong
and concluding that China is actually about 3000 miles to the west
FUCKIN ALL ABOARD THE MOTHERFUCKING SUCCESS TRAIN
WOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

armed with this ambitious and totally legit scheme
Chris does what any modern gentleman would do
he starts looking for venture capital
he looks for it in pretty much every royal court in europe
which is unfortunate for him
because europe at this time seems to be ruled primarily by sane people
he finally ends up in spain
where queen isabella and king ferdinand also say no to him
but for some reason decide to pay him a ludicrous sum of money to stay in spain
either as a court jester
or as a solid to the other rulers he would have bothered with his dumb ideas if they let him run around
but suddenly, after several years
and a million more identical pitches from Christopher
king Ferdinand is like YOU KNOW WHAT
SUDDENLY THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PROFOUNDLY GREAT IDEA
LET’S RIDE THIS FUCKIN SUCCESS TRAIN TOGETHER BABY

here are the terms that Christopher Columbus demands:
1) 10% of the revenue from any place he discovers (which is a pretty standard agent rate)
2) governorship over same lands
3) the title of GREAT ADMIRAL OF THE OCEAN
AND POSEIDON ROLLS IN HIS WATERY GRAVE

So Sea King Columbus sets out on his voyage
he ends up doing four of them
and they go bizarrely fucking well for the guy
like, it turns out there’s land pretty much right where he said it would be
and it’s full of people who sort of look like some of the people he was trying to find
so naturally he calls them Indians
because what else could they be
and then he spends the next decade taxing and mutilating the shit out of these people
his sons help
it’s a bonding experience

pretty soon word gets back to spain about all the mutilating
and in what may be the only recorded instance of anyone in europe being nice to natives
they send an investigator to see if the rumors are true
and duh, they are
so they fire him from being governor and throw him in jail
this is definitely a grand humanitarian gesture
and not just an attempt to not pay Chris the ten percent they owe him
that would be ridiculous
but Chris’s son Diego seems to think that’s what’s up
so he files a bunch of lawsuits against the Spanish crown
which is dumb because it’s hard as shit to sue the government

Chris does get a couple bucks out of the deal
and he also gets to go down in history as the dude who discovered America
and the dude who established that the world was round
and both of those things are totally wrong
but that’s okay
because so was Christopher Columbus

so the moral of the story
is space travel isn’t as hard as all those scientists like to pretend it is
mars is like six blocks away, trust me
and if it isn’t
i bet something even cooler is

the end.

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Hans Christian Andersen Hates Mermaids

Alright guys
i hate to do this to you
but today is the day I ruin your childhood
(again)
by telling you the true story behind the objectively hottest disney princess
that’s right
i’m talking about princess jasmine
wait shit
Pocahontas
Gaston?
let’s start over

so the ocean is a piece of wet, salty shit
hogging all this awesome surface area we could be using to build me castles or fight wars
and down in the very deepest part of the ocean
lives the king of the ocean
and also his posse of hot underaged daughters
and these fish-women are eager as nubile young beavers to go up and see the surface
you know why?
because they live in the DEEPEST FUCKING PART OF THE OCEAN
living there is like having an army of munchkins in stiletto heels stomping your ENTIRE BODY AT ALL TIMES
I would give my entire left nut to get out of an environment like that
if an environment like that would not immediately reduce my left nut to a cloud of very sexy, very distributed atoms.

but here’s the problem
these high-pressure honies aren’t allowed on the surface until their fifteenth birthdays
like a weird, deep-sea rumspringa
or a quincianera with the bends
luckily our story begins right as the oldest of the sisters is about to turn 15
so we don’t have to wait around forever for shit to get started
but we still have to wait a little while
because just like every other one of these fucking stories
this one is about the youngest daughter

so finally the little mermaid (get it, because she’s the youngest)
gets her chance
she shoots up to the surface at sunset
and right into the middle of a open-water techno rave in honor of a local prince’s birthday
so she’s like oh shit what is this
and the prince is like HAHAHAHAHA I’M HIGH AS BALLS
and everyone else is like OH SHIT STORMS ARE HAPPENING
and the boat sinks
and the prince can’t swim
weighed down as he is with an entire goddamn pharmacy in his blood system
so the mermaid is like oh sweet
looks like a hot prince is coming down to join me in the marianas trench!
but then she remembers humans can’t live underwater
because yes, that’s something she has to CONSTANTLY REMIND HERSELF OF
(this is an example of a literary device known as foreshadowing
what’s being foreshadowed right now
is how fucking dumb this mermaid is)
so she saves him
and drags him to an island
where she drops him on shore
and gets to watch him get woken up by and fall instantly in love with some other chick
who (to add improbable insult to injury)
looks PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY LIKE HER
(except without a fish tail
important plot point)

so the little mermaid
(by the way I’m not just calling her that to be obstinate
our good pal HCA didn’t see fit to give her a name
Ariel had to wait for a racist psychopath-cum-cartoon mogul to come along
before she got her due)
she goes down to the depths again
and she’s like shit, I gotta get with this prince
not just because he’s hot
but also because he’s got soul
literally
see, mermaids don’t have souls
so when they die (after living 300 years)
they just fizzle out and turn into sea foam
meanwhile humans get to go to heaven or whatever
all because they’re fortunate enough to have legs

yes, legs
that’s what it’s all about
but luckily there’s a loophole:
if Ariel (fuck it, I’m just gonna call her that) gets the prince to marry her
plus also love her more than his mom or dad
the prince’s soul will undergo some kind of celestial mitosis
and she’ll get to keep the extra
YOU HEAR THAT, IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG GIRLS?
NO SOUL UNLESS MARRIAGE
NOW MAKE ME A FUCKING SANDWICH, YOU SEA CREATURE

so Ariel does the only reasonable thing
which is to go hit up the SEA WITCH for help
and the sea witch is like alright you dumb sea-centaur
trying to marry this prince is basically like the dumbest idea of all time
but ours is not to reason why
ours is to concoct super-invasive pharmaceuticals to alter your genome in horrifying ways
So she whips up a hot steaming cup of make-legs-come-out juice
and she’s like here you go, kid
and all I want in exchange is your tongue
WHAT A DEAL, RIGHT?
I mean, I dunno what I’m gonna do with it or anything
I just basically don’t want you to be able to use your voice to charm the prince
you know what, it’ll probably work in your favor
dudes in this era don’t like it when women talk anyway
anyway, have fun!

oh but there’s one other thing about the potion
which is that it makes Ariel grow legs, sure
beautiful legs, with feet that would make Quentin Tarantino come blood
but any time she uses those feet to walk
it feels like she is being stabbed by infinite razor-sharp knives
why?
JUST CAUSE
JUST CAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN IS A SICK ASSHOLE, THAT IS
A SICK ASSHOLE WHO IS USING HIS CHILDREN’S FICTION
AS A MACABRE FUCKING SOUNDING BOARD FOR HIS PUBESCENT FOOT-TORTURE FANTASY

but even though Ariel is getting a deal rawer than good sushi
she’s still down to drink that shit
so she swims up to the prince’s beachside mansion (which she found by stalking)
and she drinks that shit
and then collapses from the HORRIFYING PAIN IN HER LEGS
and then the prince finds her
and she can’t say shit
but she can dance like an eight-legged ballerina
so he keeps her around for entertainment

they hang out like all the time
they go HIKING
(OW)
and DANCING
(OWWW)
and HORSE-BACK RIDING
(well that’s a nice change of pace)
and HIKING AGAIN
(FFFFFFFFFFFFF)
and the whole time, Ariel is basically eye-fucking the shit out of him
but he’s having none of it
because his one true love
is that chick who “rescued him” by finding him on the beach all those years ago
(who Ariel looks exactly like for some reason)
but luckily for Ariel
the prince is pretty sure that other chick was a nun or something
and while nuns are great for naughty fantasies
they are notoriously hard to marry
because a marriage to god is an open marriage
but polygamy is not okay for some reason
this is kind of a sore subject for me if you couldn’t tell

except GUESS WHAT
it turns out that chick was just PRETENDING to be a nun
while going to school to become a HOT PRINCESS
who the prince is scheduled to marry anyway, because that’s how royal marriages work
and he’s like aw man, Ariel
(he doesn’t know her name, but what the fuck else do you want me to have him call her)
I’m so glad you’re my best friend and stuff
I know that if you could speak you would definitely tell me how happy you are for me
and definitely not yell FUCK over and over again at top volume

I mean I dunno how Ariel could have seen this going differently
what we’ve got here is a woman who is literally EXACTLY AS HOT AS HER
but can also speak
and doesn’t have a weird nerve disease in her feet
it’s an objectively better choice
as long as you’re comfortable treating women as objects
which everyone TOTALLY IS, so it’s cool
but that doesn’t stop Ariel from using her fucked up feet
to bust some SERIOUS MOVES at the wedding party
because, aw, shit, i forgot to say
if the prince marries someone else, she immediately turns into sea foam
fuck, that was an important plot point. I should’ve said.
oh well

so she’s kinda glum
but luckily the party is on a boat
which means her sisters can show up
and they’re all bald and they’re like HEY SIS
WE TRADED OUR HAIR TO THE WITCH FOR THIS SWEET KNIFE
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS STAB THE PRINCE WITH IT, AND YOU GET TO BE A MERMAID AGAIN
PRETTY SWEET, RIGHT?
and she’s like

because she still can’t talk

but it turns out stabbing isn’t her thing
she throws the knife into the water instead
followed soon after by her sad body
but then Hans Christian Andersen suddenly feels bad about what a dick he’s being
and makes some air spirits show up and turn her into one of them
and the story ends with this fucked up semi-moral
about how daughters of the air get to live out 300 years of purgatory
at the end of which time they are granted souls and sent to heaven
with time off for good behavior
not their own good behavior, mind you
but the good behavior of children
also bad children add time to their sentences
so uh
the moral of the story is be good not evil?

no no no FUCK THAT
the moral of the story
as is plain to anyone without a cornucopia of dicks in his/her ears
is that if you ever find yourself in a situation like this
get yourself a fucking wheelchair
your feet won’t hurt
and you might even score some pity-points

the end.

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Alcibiades is Handsome as Hell

Yes it is greek history time again
which means it is time to learn about assholes
or really, one asshole
generally when we talk about history
we tend to focus on one or two assholes at a time
(or else whole huge groups of assholes that run in packs
leaving great greasy black trails of shit all over everything
but that’s gross so today we’re only talking about one)

this asshole on which we are focusing today
is attached to a dude named Alcibiades
and he is objectively the HOTTEST DUDE TO EVER HAVE LIVED
he is so hot that people find themselves unable to call him on any of his bullshit
and my friends
Alcibiades is the source of a whole BARREL FULL of bullshit
a REALLY LARGE barrel
like REALLY LARGE
like … they don’t make barrels as large as the barrel i’m imagining here
so maybe barrel was the wrong word
maybe “vat” would be more appropriate
no actually
boat
a huge cruise-liner full of bullshit
floating on a gently rolling sea of bullshit
and then it rains and you discover that the clouds were also made of bullshit
and now it’s raining bullshit
it’s really unpleasant, is what I’m saying
it’s really unpleasant for anybody but Alcibiades

Seriously, dude can get away with anything
one time he gets invited to a party
and he doesn’t want to go
but then he gets drunk at home
and decides to crash the party
and have his servants straight up steal HALF THE SILVERWARE
and the host of the party is like HAHA THAT’S OKAY
HE’S ACTUALLY BEING REALLY CONSIDERATE BY NOT TAKING THE OTHER HALF
another time Alcibiades punches a famous dude in the face on a dare
and his only punishment is GETTING TO MARRY THAT DUDE’S DAUGHTER
who he impregnates
and then he demands more money from her father to support the baby
and then when his wife tries to divorce him for buying too many prostitutes
he literally picks her up and carries her to another city
and i guess keeps carrying her with him everywhere he goes until she dies
and nobody does anything about it because HE’S SO SEXY

but there is exactly one person who is willing to call bullshit
and that is the dude who is a bad enough dude to call bullshit on LIFE ITSELF
yeah babies
i’m talking about SOCRATES
I mean don’t get me wrong
Socrates is just as hypnotized by Alcibiades’ wang as everybody else
but he is also actively engaged in trying to make Alcibiades use his wang for good
rather than for dumb
basically Alcibiades is Dorian Gray
and Socrates is his Basil
and EVERY OTHER PERSON IN ATHENS is Henry

so naturally debauchery wins out
and Alcibiades does the only natural thing for jerks to do in athens:
he runs for office
and he wins
because
well
i’m not sure if I’ve said this yet
but he’s SUPER HOT
and then he immediately starts screwing things up for everyone including himself

you see, at this time in athens, Alcibiades is not the only popular dude
there are exactly two others
one of them is called Nicias, and Alcibiades cannot STAND him
cause Athens happens to be at war with Sparta at the time
which is not unusual because Sparta is basically at war with EVERYONE ALL THE TIME
(seriously i don’t get how greece is even a country)
and Nicias has been doing everything he can to stop the war
which Alcibiades thinks is lame because he fucking crazy

pretty soon Sparta sends a couple of diplomats to Athens
and these diplomats are actually special SUPER-diplomats
with the power to make whatever the hell deals they want
they’re there because Nicias told them to come there
so naturally Alcibiades has to fuck this all up

he calls the diplomats up and he’s like yo guys
i hear you wanna meet with the people of athens tomorrow
and make some sweet deals
my advice is don’t do that
the people of athens are all total assholes
and if you tell them you have any kind of decision-making power
they will destroy you like new prison ass
TRUST ME

so the next day the diplomats show up in front of everyone
and Alcibiades is like hey guys do you have the power to make deals?
and they’re like NOPE
and Alcibiades is like YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES
HOW DARE YOU COME HERE NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE DEALS
NICIAS HOW DARE YOU BRING THESE NON-DEAL-MAKIN’ MOTHERFUCKERS UP IN HERE
and Nicias is like …?

so Athens gets to keep being at war with Sparta
and Alcibiades gets to be general, because it looks like he’s super keen on war
and he abuses this power by immediately hatching a plan to take over sicily
as part of a crazy Alexander-the-Great style plan to take over EVERYTHING
but nobody realizes how crazy the plan is because Alcibiades is SO SEXY

okay, that’s a lie
there are some people who are not dazzled by the light glistening off his pecs
and these people come up with a great scheme to destroy him:
see, apparently Alcibiades has been having the ancient greek equivalent
of some late-night Rocky Horror Picture Show screenings
where everyone dresses up as priests from one of the local temples
and then they all re-enact some sacred ritual or whatever
(wearing fishnets? I don’t know
I was trying to come up with a good metaphor, forgive me)
and at the same time as they’re doing this
some jerk is running around athens
chopping the dicks off of statues of hermes
and that wouldn’t be a big deal
greek statues don’t have very big dicks anyway
but the statues of hermes are LITERALLY NOTHING BUT A HEAD AND A DICK:

So all the devout hermes-worshippers
and super-lazy sculptors
are obviously really mad about this part
and since Alcibiades has to leave to help with this war he started
his enemies take the opportunity to get everyone REALLY MAD about this stuff
and vote to kill him when he comes home
so they send a boat to ask him to come home
and he’s like uh
naw
I think actually what I’m going to do is defect to sparta
peace

so he defects to sparta
and sets them up in a fort right outside Athens
then gets kicked out of sparta for fucking the king’s wife
and joins the persians
because really he isn’t ready to be a father

so as soon as he’s working for the persians he starts calling up Athens
(which is still fighting Sparta)
and he’s like yo guys
if you set up a new government and make me part of it
I’ll totally come back home and bring all these persian troops
which is total bullshit
but they set up the new government anyway
because it’s super unjust in a way that appeals to rich people
and then they bring Alcibiades back even though he can’t bring any Persian troops
…because he’s hot?

but it’s okay
he actually does a really good job for Athens in the war
mainly because he knows that if he goes back home without doing a good job
he’ll be killed for that weird religious stuff he did
and also the dick-chopping
(which i guess was also religious and weird
but it deserves its own category because i wanted to say dick-chopping again)

so he does all that good stuff and goes home
and he’s well-received and everything
but then he needs to go fight sparta again
and he loses somehow
so Athens fires him again
along with all its other good generals
which is a great strategy if your goal is to get conquered by sparta
which is pretty much what happens
and then meanwhile Alcibiades runs back to persia
and gets burned to death in his house by some Spartans
which means, yes
he finally died from being too hot.

so the moral of the story
is that honesty is the best policy
unless you’re sexy

the end.

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The Thing at the Doorstep Would be a Good Porn Title

Someone suggested I tell a myth about Shoggoths
and while Shoggoths are only tangentially involved in this story
I just said the word Shoggoth three times in three lines
and the funniest thing about Shoggoths is their name, so you’re welcome
(Shoggoth)

So
like all of lovecraft’s stories, this one begins with a disclaimer from the narrator:
DISCLAIMER:
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY IS MIND-SHATTERINGLY HORRIBLE
MY MIND IS SHATTERED
PROBABLY YOURS WILL BE TOO IF YOU READ THIS
SO UH
SORRY?

In fact the narrator (whose name is Dan, for what it’s worth)
has had his mind shattered to such a degree
that he just got home from shooting his best pal in the head SIX TIMES
his only regret?
THAT HE DID NOT ALSO SET THE BODY ON FIRE
so guys
this is your last chance
stop reading this story now
or else shoot your friends and maybe burn their bodies

yall still reading?
yeah
that’s because these disclaimers NEVER FUCKING WORK
SO ANYWAY

the friend that Dan just shot is named Edward
he’s eight years younger than Dan
and he’s been writing creepy-assed poetry since he was eight years old.
that was how old he was when he met Dan
who had such a DEEP NEED FOR CREEPY POETRY
that the two were bosom buddies from that point on
but there is a big difference between Ed and Dan
the difference is that while Dan is capable of doing normal people things
(going to school for architecture, getting married to a human, having human children)
Edward seems to only be capable of going to the local university
and reading creepy-assed books in the creepy-assed basement
he doesn’t even have any social skills to speak of
due to the fact that he spent basically 100% of his formative years with his mom
and thus never had to interact with any real people because moms don’t count
(sorry, mom)

but actually I exaggerated about the no social skills
it turns out Ed is just a late bloomer
about TWENTY YEARS late
as in, when he turns forty
(and his mom dies, which obviously does wonders for his social life
because moms are terrible and they will destroy you
{sorry mom})
he starts hanging out at the university
with the students
who are half his age.
I was about to say this was creepy behavior
but this is a guy who has lived and breathed creepy for forty-one years
and has a literature degree on top of that
so maybe it’s just performance art

except no
no it’s not
because Eddie falls genuinely, completely in love with this chick Asenath
who is clearly, irredeemably evil

first of all
her name
is ASENATH
when have you ever met someone named Asenath who wasn’t evil?
Come to think of it, when have you ever met someone named Asenath at all?
This should have immediately clued Edward in to the fact that he was in a Lovecraft story
which might have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Second of all
her dad is (was, cuz he’s dead) a notorious wizard from a town nobody likes
(because this is new england and and wizards are lower-class)
and his mom was a mysterious lady who never took off her veil
which means she’s probably an evil fish person or something
or else just a practicing muslim
which is even worse if you’re in a lovecraft story

finally
(and this is just a minor detail)
Asenath has demonstrated a startling ability to SWITCH BODIES WITH PEOPLE FOR NO REASON
also she can call up thunderstorms and make dogs bark at will
plus she’s constantly complaining about how she doesn’t have a man’s brain
and if she had a man’s brain (with all the magical powers men’s brains apparently possess
like the ability to get boners for no fucking reason
and the loss of the ability to reason when boners)
she could be an even better wizard than her dad
so not only is she a witch
but she’s a fucking BIGOT
like okay, I get it
the end of witch-burning was a big step forward for new england as a whole
but some people are just begging to get set on fire

That’s not what Edward thinks, though
he thinks Asenath is THE BEE’S KNEES
and you know what, he’s right
she IS the bee’s knees
that is, she is the the seemingly innocuous mechanism that allows STINGING INSECTS to WALK AROUND ON YOUR SKIN

because, see, as soon as they’re married
(oh yeah, they got married
because duh, why not marry an evil hypnotist)
Edward starts spending a lot less time hanging with his friend Dan
and a lot more time driving randomly around the countryside
with a look of EXTREME CONFIDENCE ON HIS FACE
which is weird, because Ed never learned how to drive
but I guess they didn’t need driver’s licenses back in the day so it’s cool

So Dan, being a highly intelligent gentleman
immediately guesses what the problem is
clearly the problem is that Ed is overly sweet on his sinister honey
and forgotten the immutable code of bros before hos
BUT THAT IS WRONG
THAT IS NOT WHAT HAS HAPPENED
actually what has happened is that Asenath
(SERIOUSLY, THAT NAME)
has been using her aforementioned BODY-SWITCHING POWERS
to repeatedly take over his body
and then use his man-brain to go meet with SHOGGOTHS
(there, I told you there were shoggoths
oh what, you want to know what shoggoths are?
fine okay
shoggoths are basically the kool-aid man
except instead of a glass body full of fruit punch
they have a gelatinous body covered in thousands of temporary eyes
and instead of busting through the walls of your house
and providing you with aforementioned fruit punch
they bust through the walls of your DIMENSION
and provide you with LIMITLESS HORROR
the analogy is perfect)

but one day Asenath goes too far
and she loses control of Ed while he’s out in some horrible woods
and Dan has to go pick him up
and Ed is like DUDE
MY WIFE HAS BEEN USING MY BODY FOR EVIL
and Dan is like ha ha bro you don’t gotta tell me
I know all about the birds and the bees
and Ed is like NO DAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
THAT BITCH IS THE BEE’S KNEES
and Dan is like haha i getcha I getcha
whatever you’re into
and Edward is like I AM NOT INTO THIS
I AM NOT INTO THIS AT ALLLLi mean hello Dan
it is I, Edward
definitely not Asenath controlling Edward’s body
pardon me while I steal your car and drive us back to my house
nothing to worry about
everything is normal
and Dan is like Phew
glad that everything is normal.

Dan
Dan, it’s me, the guy telling the story
everything is NOT normal, Dan
it is very obviously not normal
what’s it gonna take, buddy?
is Edward gonna have to murder his wife
and then bury her in the basement
and then go crazy so you have to put him in a mental hospital
and then get possessed by his now-dead wife
and trapped in his dead wife’s corpse
which he uses to dig himself out of the basement
call you on the phone unsuccessfully
and then write a long letter explaining all of this
and hand-deliver it to your door before collapsing in a pile of goo and organs?
IS THAT WHAT IT’S GONNA TAKE, DAN?
BECAUSE GOD HELP ME I WILL MAKE ALL OF THAT HAPPEN IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

turns out that’s exactly what it takes
and when Dan finally gets over being fucking terrified by the oozy corpse letter
he does the only reasonable thing
which is to go to the mental hospital
and shoot Ed like six times
and then come back home and write this story
to explain what he did
and ask that the city please set ed’s body on fire
to keep Asenath’s spirit
(which is actually her dad’s evil ghost)
from possessing anybody else

then I guess Dan sends his letter to the Arkham Daily Herald or whatever
and H.P. Lovecraft steals it and makes it into an award-winning short story

so the moral of the story
is that it’s only okay to be sexist if you’re a witch
and even then you’ll probably get shot

the end.

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