Isaac Newton Invented Gravity But Who Gives a Shit

You guys all know who Isaac Newton is
he’s that british dude with a talent for getting fruit-induced concussions
and then revolutionizing physics or whatever
he’s the guy who came up with those three laws of motion:
1) objects are lazy unless they’re already going somewhere in which case look out
2) something about force vectors
3) If you hit a dude, he will hit you back at least as hard as you hit him

but guys
I ask pose to you this question:
WHO CARRREEEEESSSSSSSS?
As Dirk Gently points out in Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency
someone was gonna discover gravity eventually
that shit’s on ALL THE TIME
that’s like if we made a big deal out of the guy who discovered pooping
like, sure, pooping is a big deal
but it’s not like you really had to go out of your way to discover it, dude
you just had to go

No, the real story, my friends, is not about Isaac Newton
it is about a dude who Isaac Newton sentenced to DEATH
YEAH
Did you know you could gain the power to kill dudes by being good at math?
well, actually you can’t
you have to also get appointed the head of the british mint
and spend all your time running around undercover
arresting counterfeiters for years and years
which is exactly what Newton did
because I guess he was tired of shaking the foundations of our understanding of the universe?

anyway the guy I’m referring to is a dude named William Chaloner
and he is essentially the best criminal ever
he grew up in Birmingham, where he made a living counterfeiting pennies
but that’s a really slow way to get rich
so pretty soon he moved to London and started selling dildos
BUT NOT JUST ANY DILDOS, MY FRIENDS
these were dildos concealed inside of WATCHES
that’s some James Bond shit
or more accurately
some Austin Powers shit
I mean how do you even do that
how can you cram a satisfying amount of dildo into a wristwatch?
the secret died with William Chaloner

but until he died
William dished out currency like he was making it rain at a strip club
except if william had made it rain the kind of currency he was counterfeiting
everybody would have died
because William was counterfeiting SOLID GOLD COINS
(I mean his coins weren’t solid gold
but they were supposed to be)
and he got SO RICH doing this
that he was able to pose as a british nobleman

so William goes to parliament
with his new fancy clothes and diamond carriage and whatever
and he’s like “Listen, guys
the british mint basically sucks every chode
It is so incredibly easy to make fake coins
you might as well just hand out a check to every citizen
that just says “FREE INFINITE MONEY”
so here’s what you do:
you appoint ME as the head of the british mint
I will make sure NOBODY counterfeits your coins
because I uh
I know about counterfeiting”

YES FRIENDS
THE DUDE WHO MAKES ALL THE FAKE COINS IN BRITAIN
WALKS INTO PARLIAMENT
AND APPLIES FOR A JOB
AS THE HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT THAT MAKES ALL THE REAL COINS IN BRITAIN
dude has some brass balls
although considering his profession
I would estimate that his balls are only 45% brass at most

But Isaac Newton is having none of it
he’s like “SERIOUSLY GUYS?
COME ON
THIS DUDE IS OBVIOUSLY A CRIMINAL”
and parliament is like “oh shit.”
and then William runs away
to the suburbs
where he not only continues making fake coins
but also starts printing counterfeit hundred-pound bills
from the newly-formed bank of england
and when the bank of england finds out
he just turns in one of his accomplices
for forging blank checks from the CITY ORPHAN’S FUND
and is rewarded for his efforts with another 200 pounds
plus he gets to keep all the money he already stole

so Isaac Newton is tearing his hair out back at the mint
and meanwhile William Chaloner is counterfeiting lottery tickets
he’s counterfeiting more coins
and he’s having sex with all the ladies who counterfeit coins
and he’s naming his accomplices every time he gets in trouble
(INCLUDING HIS OWN ALIAS)
and he’s also just straight framing people as members of obscure religious sects
then busting them
and collecting fat rewards from the british crown
at this point I am beginning to understand why they took so long to put him in jail
because every day William Chaloner spends free
like TWELVE OTHER PEOPLE GO TO JAIL

But it turns out that ceaseless betrayal and endless crime is not a good long term strategy
because pretty soon another forger turns William in
and they find his fake lottery tickets too
plus he printed all those hundred pound notes
and even though NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS ARE A FELONY YET FOR SOME REASON
that’s still enough to put him in jail while Newton constructs THE ULTIMATE CASE

Newton is intent on not fucking up this time
he’s tried a lot of stuff
he has personally gone undercover to collect evidence
he has re-designed british coinage with security features
he has recalled ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE COINAGE IN BRITAIN
and now he has developed a comprehensive network of spies and informants
pretty much with the sole goal
of shitting in William Chaloner’s breakfast
and it works
he fields eight witnesses
and William doesn’t have any friends left because he sold them all out
and it takes the jury like three minutes to be like “hang that bitch”
so they do
and it’s gross
but hey, it was fun while it lasted

so the moral of the story
is that you can completely revolutionize science and mathematics
change the way we view the solar system
and create groundbreaking inventions for everything from tamper-proof currency to cat doors
but in the end
you are never going to be as interesting
as a dude who makes fake shiny things

THE END

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Beren and Luthien Write a Bad Romance

yeah it’s sunday
I was doing a thing yesterday so just be cool
currently I am reading the Journey to the West
but as it is over A THOUSAND PAGES LONG
it’s going to take me a while to read it, digest it, and then shit it back out for you
so in the meantime, let’s return to an old favorite
THE SILMARILLION

Okay so I know it’s been a while since we dipped into JRR Tolkien’s Bucket O’ Names
so let me get y’all back up to speed
basically a long time ago some gods were having a sweet jam sesh
and one of them (Melkor) started showboating too hard on his celestial axe
and he fucked it up for everyone and then turned evil
everybody else went to live in the song they wrote
where they found a bunch of elves
and also some fancy jewels (the Silmarils)
Melkor stole all the jewels and then changed his name to Morgoth
the elves (lead by a dude named Feanor) all tried to kill him for it
but ended up killing each other instead for a while
and finally pitched all their tents right around Morgoth’s evil fortress for five centuries
while everyone waited for humans to arrive

yeah, I think that about sums up the story so far
wow, why does this book have so many pages in it
seriously, people should hire me to make their dumb books shorter
oh holy shit
that’s actually my job

ANYWAY
after five hundred years of doing diddly shit
Melkor randomly decides that today is the day for global apocalypse
he accomplishes this by making his mountain lair vomit a literal torrent of fire
with a million baalrogs and werewolves surfing on top of it
FUCKING WEREWOLVES
also a dragon
this is known as the Battle of Sudden Flame
even though it lasts at least a year
and also it’s not so much a battle as a natural disaster with swords sticking out of it
here is a song by Blind Guardian called The Battle of Sudden Flame
here is a song that actually captures the essence of the battle of sudden flame
(listen to that while you read the rest of this myth
it will make it so much radder)

so by perpetrating this epic guitar solo all across the faces of every sentient being on the planet
Morgoth accomplishes a couple things:
one: he proves once and for all that he is strictly more metal than anyone else in the universe
two: he kills most of the elves and pretty much all the humans
three: he totally blows his wad too soon, setting the stage for his eventual destruction
but that destruction is still way, WAY eventual
in the meantime, let’s focus on the plight of one specific dude who got caught in this literal crossfire
his name is Beren

Beren is the last surviving member of a group of humans
the rest of whom have been butchered mercilessly by orcs
so he mans up (get it? because he’s human) and takes his family’s fate into his hands
by assassinating the orc’s leader
and stealing back his dad’s severed hand
because oh yeah
watching your whole family get murdered in front of you makes you kind of crazy

then he makes himself all the way crazy
by fighting his way through some impossibly evil woods
which is why nobody is surprised when he comes out the other side
and starts hallucinating a hot goddess chick in the middle of the woods
except it turns out it’s not a hallucination
it’s Luthien
and she is actually a goddess chick
and Beren is so taken with her / fucking insane
that he chases her through the woods for weeks
Apollo-and-Daphne style
except instead of turning into a tree
Luthien is finally like okay fine let’s bone

they actually turn out to be pretty compatible
and everything would have turned out awesome after that
except some dumb poet happens to have a crush on Luthien too
and he sees her banging Beren
and runs and tells Thingol
whose secret kingdom is almost totally unharmed
his strategy of telling everyone to fuck off has apparently worked out pretty well

So because there seems to be about 1 chick for every 5 guys in the story
Thingol is ALSO really pissed at Beren for banging Luthien
despite the fact that Thingol is MARRIED
AND the fact that he found is wife Melian in LIKE THE EXACT SAME WAY
so he summons Beren and Luthien to his court
and he’s like okay dude
you can marry Luthien
IF YOU BRING ME A SILMARIL FROM THE CROWN OF MORGOTH HIMSELF
and Beren
who, remember, left the tattered rags of his sanity hanging on the gnarled limbs of some awful tree
is like PSH
IS THAT ALL?
ONE SILMARIL
COMING RIGHT UP

So he runs off to steal part of Fantasy Satan’s hat
but Morgoth’s best bro Sauron is totally ready for him
he catches him and puts him in a hole
along with all the elves he brought with him
bummer

meanwhile, back at Thingol’s court
everyone is trying to have sex with Luthien
but she is having none of it
instead she steals some guy’s dog
which actually happens to be HUAN, THE DOG OF HEAVEN
and they go to rescue Beren from his hole

Huan is like the best dog ever
he’s huge and pretty much invincible
because there is a prophecy that he can only be killed by the BIGGEST WOLF EVER
so they show up to Sauron’s camp and start chewing faces
and Sauron
(who is a wizard and can turn into whatever he wants)
turns into the biggest werewolf he can think of
(because everybody seems to know this prophecy about Huan)
and tries to take Huan down
but obviously Sauron is a fake-ass werewolf
so Huan almost kills him
but then they let him go for some reason
and he turns into a VAMPIRE and flies away
proving once and for all that all of Middle Earth
is just a really elaborate Underworld fanfic

So Luthien digs Beren out of his hole
and Beren is like GREAT, I’M FREE
TIME TO GO GET THAT SILMARIL
and Luthien is like god dammit
I didn’t just save your life so you could commit suicide
we could just go somewhere and bang forever
we don’t have to get married
and i’m not even sure what claim Thingol has over me
because I haven’t been paying very close attention to the genealogy
and Beren is like WOMAN
A DEAL’S A DEAL
and Luthien is like ok fine but I’m going with you

so they cut open some werewolves and wear their skins as a disguise
and Huan leaves because fuck this
and then they simply walk into Mordor
I mean morgoth’s lair
like for real, they stroll straight into Morgoth’s throneroom
put him to sleep with magic
and then start prying jewels out of his crown
(by the way
Morgoth can’t touch the jewels because he’s evil
so he put them in this crown he wears
but they make the crown super heavy
and don’t give him any special powers
and i have no idea why he does this)

they try to take more than one jewel
but they’re using a cheap-ass knife, so it breaks
and then they freak out and run
and they get all the way to the front door
when this huge werewolf jumps in front of them
the biggest one in the world
and Beren holds up the silmaril like STAND BACK EVIL CREATURE
and the wolf is like FUCK YOUR JEWELRY
and straight bites off Beren’s hand
jewel and all
thus turning Beren into a weak-ass ripoff of Tyr

but see
if Morgoth can’t even touch the jewels without serious pain
what do you think happens when a lesser evil creature INGESTS ONE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS
HE TURNS INTO AN UNSTOPPABLE MURDER MACHINE
DEBONING AND EVISCERATING EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH
why doesn’t Morgoth just feed all his silmarils to his minions
seems like a pretty good strategy

so Beren recovers from his wounds
changes his name twice
(but everyone still calls him Beren though
it’s sort of like what happened with Prince)
and he goes back to thingol like sup
i’ma marry Luthien now, ok?
and Thingol is like did you do what I said to do?
and Beren is like yeah
the silmaril is in my hand right now
HAHA PRANKED
MY HAND IS INSIDE AN UNSTOPPABLE WEREWOLF
WHO IS ON HIS WAY HERE RIGHT NOW TO DESTROY YOU
MAN I AM SO CRAZY WHAT WILL I DO NEXT
and Thingol is like okay well
go ahead and marry Luthien I guess
we’re all gonna die anyway

but they’re not gonna go down without a fight
they track down the werewolf and surround it
and Huan tackles that bastard and rips it up
but not before receiving mortal wounds
because, you know, prophecy
and then they cut the silmaril out of the wolf’s stomach
and … now they have a shiny thing!
yay?

anyway then Beren dies for some reason
and Luthien gets to choose between being immortal in Valinor
or bringing him back to life and being a mortal
so obviously she chooses the shittier option
and the two of them get to live out their marital bliss
in the single worst epoch Middle Earth has ever experienced

so the moral of the story
is if you are the only woman in a sea of men
you can probably afford to shop around a bit
you don’t have to marry the first deranged sword guy who chases you down in the woods

TO BE CONTINUED

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