The Godfather Part 1 Makes Me Want Pasta

So it’s this chick’s wedding
it’s not SUPER important who she is
she doesn’t really do much in the story
other than get beat up and yell a little
no, what’s important
is her DAD
her dad is Vito Corleone
aka
THE GODFATHER
he’s a big crime guy
he’s important.

so Vito’s daughter is getting married
to some shitty guy nobody cares about.
what everybody does care about though
is that there is some dumb rule
that says that whenever one of Vito’s daughters gets married
he has to do a solid for anybody who wants one
it’s an inconvenient tradition
i have no idea why he would agree to this
also he looks like he has marbles in his mouth

so some dudes ask vito for favors
which mainly involve beating up rapists
and decapitating horses in order to freak out hollywood execs
you know
real robin hood shit
and then he sits down to talk to some heroin dealers

so the heroin dealers are like “Yo Vito
we would love to sell all this heroin
would you like to invest in our heroin business?”
and Vito is like “Nah, heroin is not really my style
I mainly sell olive oil
and like
whores”
and the heroin dealers are like “Ok dude
your loss.”

So the next day Vito is shopping for produce
when the heroin guys show up
like “THIS IS WHAT WE MEANT WHEN WE SAID YOUR LOSS”
and then they shoot bullets at him
and he’s like “God damn guys I was just trying to get some oranges
what the fuck”
(fun fact: Whenever someone picks up an orange in these movies
shit is about to get real.
other fun fact: al pacino does not know the right way to eat oranges.)

So now Vito is in the hospital
which means he can’t run his crime syndicate
which means his shitty son Santino is now in charge.
This is terrible
because whereas Vito built his crime empire on ruthless calculation
and a strong reputation
Santino “Sonny” Corleone’s strategy
is just to shoot BASICALLY EVERY PERSON IN NEW YORK CITY
more or less at random.
Meanwhile his brother Michael
who is a war hero and also not a complete idiot
is the one who has to keep Vito from getting killed in the hospital
by rival gangs/the crooked police.
He does this by standing in front of the hospital
with some random guy he found
and PRETENDING to have a gun.
This pisses off the chief of police
who punches him in the face for being sassy
and then Michael is like “aw hell no.”

So Michael goes to Sonny and he’s like “Hey bro
I know you’ve already killed 80% of the population of NYC
but you have conspicuously failed to kill anyone important
and now the chief of police
and the head of the gang that shot dad
both want to meet with me for some reason
so how about I jeapordize my totally clean criminal record
and my spotless military reputation
and shoot them both in a restaurant in front of a bunch of witnesses”
and Sonny
who you may remember is an idiot
is like “YEAHHHHHHHH.”

So Michael does this
because literally everything Michael ever does is a success
and then he flees to italy
(abandoning his girlfriend)
in italy he sees a chick
and immediately gets married to her
then she explodes
then he goes back to New York city and marries his girlfriend
I don’t know why any of this happens
other than maybe to show that Michael Corleone has a sociopathic dick.

Meanwhile, Sonny is still busily fucking shit up.
See, remember the chick who got married at the beginning?
she’s his sister
and the shitty dude she married is now beating her up.
So Sonny goes and beats HIM up
not so much because he disapproves of spousal abuse
(he has also been known to beat up his wife
after cheating on her
because he’s great)
but more because he really likes beating on people.
But then joke’s on Sonny
because that shitty dude turns around and sells him out
to the rival mob
who shoots him with SO MANY BULLETS
that Vito (who is now sort of recovered)
has to call in a favor with a funeral director
just to make his body not look like a blood pinata.

So now Sonny’s dead
and Vito has too many bullets in him to be mob president
which means Michael has to be the godfather now
I mean he has an older brother named Fredo
but Fredo is about as competent as a dish glove full of earthworms
so Michael Corleone it is.
Michael gets right down to business
having a kid with his brand new wife
buying up some hotels in Vegas
and trying to figure out why everyone in his family is getting shot
(spoilers: it’s because they’re in the FUCKING MAFIA)
Then Vito is like “Hey son
I figured it all out:
remember the dudes you shot before
because they tried to kill me?
Those weren’t even the real dudes in charge
it was some other dudes
and they’re way sneakier than those first dudes
so pro tip:
they’re gonna try and set up a meeting with you
and then instead of talking business
they are going to shoot you with guns
and they are going to use one of your own guys to give the invitation
so what you do
and this is brilliant
is instead of accepting the invitation
just kill whoever invites you
because they’re a traitor
and not enough people have died in this movie yet.”
and Michael is like “Solid advice, dad.
Got anymore?”
and Vito is like “NOPE, DYING OF A HEART ATTACK.”

So then at the funeral
one of Michael’s guys is like “Hey
wanna come to a shady meeting with this other mob boss?”
and Michael’s like “Yeah that sounds great
cough TRAITOR cough”
and the traitor is like “What did you say?”
and Michael is like “Nothing, go about your business.
Take no extra precautions or anything.”
Then he goes to see some kid baptized
and while he’s in there, holding a baby
five dudes die simultaneously
and they just happen to be the heads of the five mafia families
that were opposing Michael’s family
and then the traitor gets killed too
and also that shitty dude that got married at the beginning.
None of this has ANYTHING to do with Michael Corleone
I SWEAR.

But there’s a problem
which is that Michael’s sister
was STILL MARRIED to that shitty dude when he got killed
and she knows it’s Michael’s fault
so she goes to him like “BRO WTF.”
and Michael’s like “I DIDN’T DO IT, GOD.”
and she’s like “YEAH YOU DID.”
and he’s like “NUH UH.”
and she’s like “FINE WHATEVER.
GONNA BANG A LONG STRING OF DUDEWHORES AND SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY.”
and Michael’s like “GOOD THING I HAVE LIKE INFINITE MONEY.”
and then Michael’s wife is like “Hey man
seriously though
did you have her husband killed?
Because that would really bum me out.”
and Michael is like “Nope.
Who kills people?
Not me, that’s for sure.”
and his wife is like “Oh wow phew I feel so much better.”
and then Michael Corleone is the most powerful mafia boss of all time!

So the moral of the story
is that you cannot solve all your problems with murder
but lying plus murder together is a pretty baller combo.

The end.

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Elegua Has the Good Drugs

Hey babies

Since I seem to be on this Yoruba kick
I figure now is a good time
for me to go back to one of my favorite gods:
Elegua
well, technically my favorite god is Legba
cigar smoking roadmaster with a dick bigger than most public works projects
but Legba
and Elegba
and Elegua
and Eshu and probably Hermes for that matter
are all basically the same person
just a fast-moving jerk clown swinging more dick than a playground full of private detectives.
Still, just to be safe
(and because I figure he gets a kick out of being called different names)
he’s gonna be Elegua today.

This is actually a story from back in the day
when Elegua was a little kid, and hadn’t done shit yet.
Most of the other orisha (that’s Yoruba for “gods”) think he’s just a punk
and for good reason
the old-timey Orisha have real shit to deal with
like Obatala has just created the whole world and people and everything
and he’s not even the most important dude!

The most important dude is Olofi
who doesn’t even bother with that “human beings” nonsense
and just sticks to granting all the other orisha their powers
and since the orisha
like most gods
mainly use their powers to maim each other and steal each others’ wives
it’s a thankless, tiring job
so tiring, that Olofi comes down with a cold
and when the ruler of the universe comes down with a cold
he comes down harder than the kool-aid man falling down a flight of stairs
(I don’t know why I specifically picked the kool-aid man
maybe because in addition to falling really hard and loud
with a lot of “Ohhh nooooo” and whatnot
there’s also a ton of broken glass
and delicious kool-aid everywhere
that you can’t even drink because of the broken glass
plus your floor is covered in shag carpet
so you’d have to suck it out of the carpet fibers
which sort of taste like dust and dog pee
and also it sort of looks like blood.
You are going to have a lot of explaining to do
why did you invite him to your house and let him get so drunk
this is on you, bro.)

So all the other gods recognize that this is a big deal
if Olofi stops doing his job
their powers are gonna go away
and if their powers go away
how are they going to dick around effectively?
CRISIS.
So everybody shows up at Olofi’s place
and he’s like “Guys i’m actually pretty sick
I really just want to sleep a bit
maybe eat some soup and watch netflix
maybe you can come back later when I’m feeling better”
and everyone is like “NOOOOO
YOU FEEL BETTER NOWWWWW.”
and then they wipe him with magic white cloths
and rub herbs on his body
and clean him with their staffs
and he’s like “Guys I don’t need to be cleaned
I just need some bed rest and lots of fluids”
and the gods are like “NOOOOOO
YOU GET BETTER WITH MAGIC.”
and Olofi’s like “O…Okay.”

Now the whole time this is happening
Elegua is all like “Guys
guys, can I try?”
and everyone is like “No
piss off, shortpants.”
but everyone keeps right on failing
so finally Elegua asks Obatala if he can help
and Obatala
(who has a very low standard when it comes to on-the-job competence)
is like “Sure, kid, do your thing
what could go wrong?”
Proving how little everyone knows about Elegua at this point.

So Elegua goes up to Olofi
and sits on his lap.
This is already inappropriate, and everyone notices.
Then he stuffs some mysterious herbs in Olofi’s mouth
grabs his jaw
and forces him to chew and swallow them.
This is even more inappropriate
but I guess he wants to max out his inappropriate meter
so he can do some kind of Ultimate Faux Pas Limit Break
because then he busts out a feather
and starts tickling Olofi all over
and everyone is like “Alright Elegua
we know we were all basically just doing random shit
and hoping it would work
but you don’t need to be a dick about it.”

But then
Olofi’s chest starts fucking GLOWING
and Olofi is like “YEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW
HOLY SHIT I FEEL GREAT
THAT MOUTHFUL OF SUSPICIOUS LEAVES WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED
TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK MOTHERFUCKERS
BOONS FOR EVERYBODY.
ELEGUA, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS SHIT?”
And Elegua is like “What, those leaves?
I just found those in the woods.
Not even really sure what they are.”
and Olofi is like “I WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE:
THEY ARE
THE SHIT.
DUDE
YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL MAILMAN FOR THE ORISHA
NO MESSAGES GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL
AND EVERYONE HAS TO GIVE YOU FOOD
OR ELSE YOU CAN TOTALLY FAIL TO DELIVER THEIR LETTERS
I AM STRAIGHT UP GIVING YOU A DANGEROUS MONOPOLY
ON THIS KEY PART OF OUR INFRASTRUCTURE.”
and Elegua is like “Wow, cool
it’s a good thing I’m not recklessly irresponsible huh?”

So the moral of the story
is that being a drug dealer is a lucrative career path
but being your BOSS’S drug dealer?
Well
you can’t put a price on that.

The end.

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Oba is Like a Sexy Lady Van Gogh

So remember how I said Oya was married to Oggun
until Shango came along and started tapping that
(sidenote:
when I say “tapping that”
I always imagine a dude just gently tapping the tip of his penis
against any part of a body
sort of like one of those drinking birds they have in bars
just rocking back and forth
tapping)

well, it turns out Oggun isn’t happy about that

and as we’ve already discussed
Oggun is the perpetually drunk god of big knives
so Oggun not being happy with Shango
quickly turns into Oggun being AT WAR with Shango
and Obatala sees this and he’s like “Whoa guys
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
I didn’t drunkenly create the world to let you assholes fuck it up
I’ma solve this in the only reasonable way:
forced marriage.
Shango, you’re married to this chick Oba now
so you can’t fuck Oya anymore
you’re welcome.”

Shango is actually fine with this
because he has been almost entirely unfaithful to Oya this whole time
like if their relationship were an RPG character
and one of its stats was “unfaithfulness”
that stat would be maxed the fuck out
dude is OPTIMALLY unfaithful
and Oba, the chick he’s being “forced” to marry
is fucking flawless
so he’s like “Oh dang, Obatala
you got me
guess I have to go be married to Oba now
and I guess have a whole bunch of sex with her.
oh darrrrrrn.”

You know who’s actually pissed off though?
Oya
I mean, she’s the goddess of lightning and death
who also happens to breathe fire
being angry is basically her whole thing.
So she goes over to Oba’s place
where Oba lives with her sister Oshun
and Oba and Oshun are like oh shit
here comes Oya, bout to set us both on fire
but Oya is just like “Hey guys, how are you?
I’m just here to hang out and be suspiciously friendly
no violence, I promise.”
and Oshun is like “Okay, that’s suspicious.”
but Oba is like “WOW YOU ARE SO TRUSTWORTHY”
and Oya is like “I KNOW, RIGHT?
Here, lemme give you some advice:
You know Shango, right?”
and Oba is like “My husband?
You could say I know him, yeah.”
and Oya is like “Yeah, well he and I used to fuck
and lemme tell you something about that dude’s dick
it’s basically just a heat-seeking meat-missile
gonna dock with whatever tuna tunnel is closest
girl, you gotta deploy you some countermeasures.”
and Oba is like “Wow ok
what sort of countermeasures should I deploy?
Should I try, like, communicating with him?
Maybe couples counseling?”
and Oya is like “NO
FUCK THAT SHIT
CUT OFF YOUR EAR AND FEED IT TO HIM.”
and Oba is like “THAT’S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK.”

So she does this thing
she cuts off her ear and stuffs it in Shango’s burrito
and Shango eats it and loves it
and all Oba has to do is wear a head scarf forever
to hide the fact that she CUT OFF HER FUCKING EAR.
Then Oya hits up Shango like “Hey boy
I hear weapons inspectors are en route …
wanna hide your meat missile in my sausage silo?”
and Shango is like “Naw bitch, I’m married now.
I’m taking that commitment uncharacteristically seriously.”
and Oya is like “WTF DUDE
YOU PICKED THE EXACT WRONG TIME TO START HAVING MORALS.
BRO YOUR WIFE IS A WITCH
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?
BECAUSE SHE CUT OFF HER EAR AND FED IT TO YOU.”
and Shango is like “Whoa, how do you know about that?”
and Oya is like “NEVERMIND HOW I KNOW
GO CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT.”

Meanwhile, Oba goes to her sister Oshun and she’s like “So uh
I kinda … cut off my ear and fed it to my husband?”
and Oshun is like “WHAT THE FUCK”
and Oba is like “I know right?
Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to that chick who hates me.”
and Oshun is like “YA THINK?”
and then Shango shows up like “Hey so
I’ve been hearing some CRAZY things about you
like ACTUALLY crazy things that only a crazy person would do.
Can I … uh … can i see your head real quick
just to make sure you have both ears or whatever?”
and Oba is like “Shit, you got me.”
and Shango is like “WHOA
EW
WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN
I MARRIED A WOMAN WITH TWO EARS
I’M NOT INTO THIS ONE-EAR SHIT
THAT’S IT
OUR MARRIAGE IS NOW MEANINGLESS
TIME TO GO BACK TO FUCKING EVERY WOMAN
WAS KINDA LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO DO THAT ANYWAY
PEACE.”

And Oya is like “Yesss
I get to bang Shango again.
Granted, he’s totally devastated and freaked out
and he’ll never be faithful to me or anyone else ever again
but you know what they say:
you break it, you bang it.”

The end.

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