Here’s a story I found inside another story
written by a dude named T.H. White
(this is not the first time I have stolen a myth
from inside someone else’s book
in fact, it’s probably the reason you know about me.)
Anyway, this story is about how God is a capricious asshole
THAT’S EVERY STORY.
Anyway in this story there are two dudes
one of them is a prophet named Elijah
and the other one is a Rabbi named Jachanan.
For some reason they are hitch-hiking across the middle east together
presumably because holy dudes have a lot of free time
and talking about god
is a great way to get people to let you crash on their couches.
So they show up at this poor dude’s house
and I mean this dude is seriously poor
he doesn’t have netflix or anything
just one cow, a wife, and a debilitating case of acute generosity.
Like for real
when this godly duo rolls up on casa de poverty
the poor guy runs out like “HOLY SHIT, VISITORS
HERE, DRINK ALL MY MILK
EAT ALL MY BUTTER
FUCK MY WIFE, I DON’T CARE.”
and Elijah is like “Wow man, thanks.”
Then in the morning, the dude’s cow dies.
There’s no reason to stay at a cowless house
especially if it doesn’t have netflix
so Elijah and Jachanan leave and keep on hitchin’
until they end up at this super rich dude’s house
and they’re like “Aww yeah
time to roll up on this dude’s posh-ass doorstep
hand him some leaflets
and spend the knight drinking caviar champagne in a jacuzzi made of blowjobs
dude I LOVE being religious.”
but the rich asshole who owns the house is like “RELIGION?
YOU GUYS CAN SLEEP WITH MY HORSES”
and let me tell you
this dude’s horses do not sleep in a jacuzzi full of blowjobs
they sleep in a stable
and the stable
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE NETFLIX.
It’s the worst.
So in the morning, Elijah goes to the rich dude
and he’s like “Hey man,
thanks so much for sticking us in your shitty horse house
you know what?
I’m gonna do you a solid.
I’m going to hire a mason
at my own expense
to repair that crack in your wall over there.”
and the rich man is like “HELL YEAH, SCORE.”
And then they leave.
But Rabbi Jachanan is like “What the fuck, Elijah?
I’m tired and sore
I smell like horse shit
and I am WAY behind on all my shows
largely thanks to that asshole
and you are paying for his fucking home decorating?
Dude, what gives?
Why does this guy get a new wall
while the poor dude has to bury his cow?”
and Elijah is like “Shhhhhhh”
and he does that think where he presses one finger to Jachanan’s lips
and sorta smushes them in a gross way
long after the rabbi has stopped trying to talk
he just keeps rubbing his finger on those lips
like they are the world’s tiniest fleshiest violin
and his finger is the bow.
but then finally he’s like “Listen
That poor dude from before?
His wife was scheduled to die that night
but God was so grateful for his hospitality
he killed the dude’s cow instead.
And that rich dude’s wall
has a fucking treasure chest hidden inside it
if he fixed the wall himself, he’d find it.
He doesn’t deserve that treasure
so boom, I fixed the wall.”
And the rabbi is like “Okay
I mean, that’s a little better
but couldn’t god have just not killed the cow OR the wife?
why did one of them have to die?
Couldn’t he just kill the rich dude instead?
Couldn’t he kill the rich dude and then teleport the treasure out of his house
and into the poor guy’s house?
Is it possible
is just really fucking lazy?”
and Elijah is like “Dude, not so loud!
The big man is a fucking psychopath
did you hear about what He did to Job?
don’t let Him hear you saying that shit!”
and Jachanan is like “Oh, ok, I get it.
I mean HAHA, GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AM I RIGHT”
So the moral of the story
is if somebody doesn’t let you crash at their sweet pad
just bust up all their walls with a hammer
even if you don’t find treasure
you will have fucked up their walls and that’s fun.