Tuor is Useless

We’re approaching the end of the Silmarillion
which means shit should be getting marginally less sour at this point
but GUESS WHAT?
IT’S NOT.
Shit is staying sour like lemon-flavored bad mood
which is honestly a pretty appetizing description as far as shit is concerned
but I hope I don’t need to tell you guys:
no kind of shit is good for eating
don’t let fancy flavors fool you.

Okay, now that we got that PSA out of the way
why don’t I tell you about Tuor.
Okay, Tuor is the son of Hurin’s brother
who died during the last big battle
so he grows up as a sad little orphan in a cave with some other sad humans
until one day everyone is like “fuck this cave” and leaves
except they get killed by orcs and shitty humans
and the shitty humans enslave Tuor for three years
at which point he breaks out and goes back to the cave
even though it’s totally abandoned now
because I guess he really likes caves.

So he chills out in the cave for a while
maybe staring at some shadows on a wall or w/e
until Ulmo
LORD OF THE WATERS
is like “dude, you know what’s better than caves?
THE MOTHERFUCKING SEA”
and Tuor is like “GOD DAMN YOU’RE RIGHT
CAVES ARE GREAT
BUT CAN YOU DROWN IN A CAVE?
IS A CAVE FULL OF POISONOUS, DEADLY WATER-BREATHERS?
IS IT ANYWHERE NEAR AS MOIST?
NO.
THE SEA IS A WAY BETTER PLACE TO BE MISERABLE THAN A CAVE”
and Ulmo is like “Ok that’s not exactly what I meant
but whatever works I guess.”

So Tuor hikes over to the sea
and Ulmo leads him around with birds and shit for a while
until finally Tuor ends up
IN ANOTHER CAVE
and inside this cave
is a suit of armor
which Turgon, king of the hidden city of Gondolin
custom-made like 200 years ago
using measurements given to him by Ulmo
so that some day
some random dude
could come along and find them.

THAT DUDE IS TUOR.
So yeah, Tuor puts on this creepily well-fitting armor
and then runs into a random shipwrecked elf from Gondolin
who Ulmo fucked over just so he could lead Tuor back to the city
which is exactly what happens.

Now I know what you’re thinking:
this whole armor thing is the payoff of a godly prophecy
several centuries in the making
which means Tuor is probably about to Jesus the fuck out of Gondolin
turn shit around for the good guys
and finally start accomplishing rad feats instead of incest and misery
OOPS
NOPE
Turns out Tuor is just gonna tell king Turgon to leave his secret castle
because Morgoth is gonna come burn it down any day now
and Turgon is just gonna be like “Hm … I see what you’re saying
but I like this secret castle
all my shit is here
so … nope.”
AND THAT’S THAT.

It’s like DUDE
TURGON
AN ACTUAL LITERAL GOD CAME TO YOU
AND TOLD YOU TO MAKE ARMOR FOR A DUDE
WHO DIDN’T EVEN EXIST YET
SO THAT ONE DAY HE COULD COME DELIVER YOU A MESSAGE.
THAT DUDE IS HERE NOW, TURGON
HE IS IN YOUR HOUSE
HE IS DELIVERING YOU A MESSAGE
AND YOU’RE GONNA TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD-DAMN TELEMARKETER?
THIS IS LIKE IF I HIRED A PLUMBER TO FIX MY TOILET
AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE YOU NEED NEW PIPES
AND I WAS LIKE NO THANKS DUDE I LIKE MY OLD PIPES
I THINK I’M JUST GONNA START SHITTING IN MY SINK.
GOD DAMMIT TURGON
DON’T GO SHITTING IN YOUR SINK, BUDDY
DON’T GO SHITTING ANYWHERE IN YOUR KITCHEN
NO KIND OF POOP IS GOOD TO EAT.

But it’s too late
Turgon has made his dumb decision
and now everyone has to deal with it
but Tuor does manage to salvage the situation
by marrying Turgon’s hot elf daughter Idril
who was coincidentally the sex-target of an asshole named Maeglin
who was the dude who convinced Turgon to stay in Gondolin like an asshole
so Idril def made the right choice.
Idril also makes another right choice:
because her dad is too much of an idiot to leave Gondolin
she goes over his head
or under his head i guess
what I mean is she digs a secret tunnel out of the city
and doesn’t tell anyone except Tuor and maybe a couple other people
which means that when Morgoth inevitably captures Maeglin
and converts him to evil
and convinces him to betray Gondolin so he can finally sex Idril
Idril is just like HAHAHA NOPE
and runs away with all the cool people while Morgoth’s goons butcher everyone else.

So Tuor and Idril and co flee through all the worst parts of the mountains
(every part of mountains is the worst part)
protected from evil by a swarm of giant screaming eagles.
They get attacked by a Baalrog at one point
but it’s okay because some dude nobody cares about sacrifices himself to knock it off a cliff
exactly like Gandalf does later in the Lord of the Rings
GANDALF:
SUCH A FUCKING BITER, GOD.

So yeah, everybody gets away clean
and they end up on the coast
because Tuor is still OBSESSED with the sea
and they run into all the dudes who escaped Doriath when it got ruined
and everybody chills out in their new secret base
which Morgoth is totally unaware of
so HE thinks everything is totally groovy
because all he has to deal with is the children of Feanor
who at this point have pretty much exclusively killed their own guys.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because Ulmo swims back to Valinor to talk to the other Valar
and he’s like “Guys
the humans and the elves are doing pretty damn bad
maybe we should get off our asses and help them kill Morgoth?
Like, you know how we’re each as powerful as Morgoth
and there are like a ton more of us?
Couldn’t we end this war like super fast?”
and Manwe, who is still sore about the elves ditching his party castle
is like “Yeah … but no.”
and Ulmo is like “aww.”
then Tuor and his wife build a big boat and sail out of the story
thus making them probably the happiest people in the Silmarillion so far
but doing fuck-all to help anyone else.

So the moral of the story
is that when the going gets tough
the tough get on a boat and fucking vanish.

TO BE CONTINUEDDDDDDDDD

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Jewelry is Hard to Come By In Middle Earth

Right so some of you lovely people gave money to my Patreon
and the amount of money you gave me
means I gotta finish the Silmarillion now
which is great actually
because I was just saying how I’m not reading enough multisyllabic names.

Okay, where were we?
Oh yeah
Turin just fucked everything up over and over again and then died
awesome.
I hate to break it to you guys
but this story gets way the fuck grimmer before it claws its way out of the sadhole
like Tolkien tried to pack as much tragedy into this fucking thing as possible
before the day gets inevitably saved.
He’s like a dude at an all-you-can-eat sadness buffet
just cramming in the depressing calories
because he knows he’s inevitably gonna shit later.
Okay, bad metaphor
I’m just stalling because this part of the story sucks.

Okay, remember Hurin?
It’s cool if you don’t.
There’s a lot to remember.
Hurin is Turin’s dad
which makes me wish everybody’s names rhymed with their dad’s names
it would make this fucking book way easier.
Anyway Hurin was kidnapped my Morgoth back when Turin was a baby
and he has spent all the time since then just hanging out in Morgoth’s castle
which is seriously THE LAMEST PLACE
plus Morgoth is like the WORST DUDE to hang out with
but then one day
(after Turin is already way dead)
Morgoth is just like “hey dude you’re free to go”
and Hurin is like “…what?”
and Morgoth is like “Yeah I feel real bad about torturing you in my castle for decades
plus your son is dead so maybe you should go mourn him.”
and Hurin is like “no way dude, you’re an asshole
you don’t feel bad about things you do.”
and Morgoth is like “Ha ha,you got me
I really just want to release you so you can ruin everybody’s lives
with the hatred I have nurtured inside of you.”
and Hurin is like “Oh, okay, that makes more sense
peace out.”
and then he leaves.

Nobody wants to have shit to do with him
because he’s been living with Morgoth for a long-ass time
so he’s like crawling with Evil Cooties
and everybody’s standoffishness just pisses of Hurin more
so he goes straight to the hidden city of Gondolin
which is the last remaining Secret Elf City
now that Turin totally fucked up Nargothrond
and Hurin stands outside of Gondolin like “HEY
HEY
SECRET CITY
OPEN UP, GUYS
I KNOW THERE’S A SECRET CITY HERE
THERE USED TO BE A DOOR RIGHT HERE BUT IT’S BROKEN
WHAT THE FUCK”
and Thorondor, the king of Eagles is like “Oh hell no
we are not letting that crazy bastard in here
nuh uh.”
and Morgoth’s spies are like “SECRET CITY, YOU SAY?
HMMMM”
so I’m sure that won’t end poorly or anything.

After waiting outside Gondolin for a whole day
Hurin finally gets fed up and leaves
and he goes to find his wife Morwen
but she’s super old and dead
and all his kids are dead
it’s just all around a pretty sucky week for Hurin.
So to make it shittier, I guess
he goes to the ruins of Nargothrond
where that shitty dwarf Mim is busy fucking all the gold
and he stabs Mim and takes the prettiest necklace in the city
which is this fancy dwarf thing called the Nauglamir
and he brings that shit over to Thingol and Melian‘s house in Doriath
(this dude is doing like a greatest-hits tour of the kingdom)
and he throws the necklace at Thingol like “FUCK YOU HERE’S A NECKLACE
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR THROWING OUT MY SON
YOU GET HIT WITH A PRICELESS NECKLACE”
and Melian is like “Dude we didn’t throw out your son
your son turned into a crazy asshole and ran away”
and Hurin is like “Oh …”
and then there’s a really awkward pause
where Hurin picks the necklace up off the ground
and gently places it in Thingol’s hands
and pats it a couple times while looking sheepishly at his feet
and then he goes and drowns himself in the ocean.

So Thingol looks at this priceless dwarf necklace
and he’s like “You know what would make this necklace even better?
IF IT HAD A SILMARIL IN IT
FUCK YEAH LET’S GET SOME DWARVES IN HERE
THEY LOVE STICKING SHIT IN GOLD.”
So he calls up some dwarves
and they come over and put the fancy gem in the necklace
but then they’re like “Hey man, we’re gonna take this home ok?”
and Thingol is like “That wasn’t part of the deal!”
and the dwarves are like “WE’RE MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL”
and then they kill him and take the necklace
but the elves chase them down and kill them and take it back
but a couple of them escape and tell the dwarves
who decide to go to war over this stupid piece of jewelry.

Meanwhile Melian is none too pleased
because she gave up being a god to go have sex with Thingol
and it is very hard to have satisfying sex with a male corpse
so she’s like “okay kingdom
you know how I was protecting you with my magic?
well, uh
you’re on your own now.”
and then she goes away to be sad in space or something
and the dwarves show up and kill like everybody and take the necklace again
but then Beren
(the dude who stole the Silmaril in the first place)
finds out about this shit and gets pissed off
so HE shows up and kills all the dwarves and takes the necklace
and gives it to his wife Luthien
who gets so sexy by wearing the necklace that it kills them both
so then Thingol’s son takes it back to Doriath
at which point the sons of Feanor remember their solemn oath
to never stop being assholes until they have all the Silmarils
so THEY show up and kill everyone in Doriath
but they don’t get the necklace because someone runs away with it
but at least they make up for their failure by killing a bunch of women and children
and making it so Doriath will never be a kingdom ever again.
It’s sort of a win-win if you think about it.
Wait I just thought about it
nope.

Anyway the moral of the story
is that you should never give custom jewelry to your lover
because dwarves will kill them and steal it.
Oh god
Valentine’s day was two days ago
…I’m too late

TO BE CONTINUED!

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Geese and Gold: Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together

So I launched my Patreon today
you should give money to it
that would be rad
but anyway it got me thinking about money myths
and suddenly I was like HOLY SHIT
HOW HAVE I NOT RETOLD THE STORY OF THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGGS?
FIXING THAT NOW.

Basically what happens
is this guy gets a freakish mutant goose that lays eggs of gold
obviously this is a dead-end mutation
because babies do not hatch out of gold eggs
except maybe in fairytales, I dunno
but whatever, dude is rich from selling all these metal eggs
and he’s like oh man
if this goose is this valuable alive
I bet it’s EVEN MORE VALUABLE DEAD
(said NO ONE ELSE, EVER)
so he chops it open and it’s just full of meat
no gold, just blood and goose meat
and he doesn’t even hire any scientists
to discover the biology behind its weird bird alchemy
so the secret is lost forever
and he’s still sort of rich from all the eggs
but he knows what he did.

The moral of the story
is that donating money to me
gives me a great excuse not to cut you open and root around in your insides.

BUT DID YOU KNOW
THAT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY STORY THAT CONTAINS A GOOSE/GOLD COMBO??
Yes friends
today’s myth is a motherfucking DOUBLE FEATURES
so sit back and grease your earholes
because you’re about to hear about the GOLDEN GOOSE.

Okay so there’s three brothers because when are there not
the first two go out into the forest to chop wood
one at a time
like idiots
and they meet a magic hobo who asks for their lunches
and they’re both like no
so he makes them accidentally mutilate themselves with their axes.
So far, pretty standard fairytale.
So then the youngest son, who has a shitty name like Dumplet or Badhair
decides to try cutting wood too
so his parents send him out with a shitty lunch and a very sharp axe
and he sees the hobo and gives him all the food
and the hobo is like “gee, thanks
enjoy a wood-chopping experience free of self-amputation
and also this goose with GOLDEN FEATHERS.”

So Dumplet has this gold goose now
which means there’s no way he’s going back to his shitty family
so instead he checks into the penthouse suite at a local inn.
There are three chicks who live there and there are greedy as fuck
so they see this gold goose in the stable
and they gotta try to steal feathers off it
but when the first one touches the goose she gets stuck to it
like brer rabbit gently caressing a way sexier tarbaby
and then the second sister touches her and gets stuck to her
and then the THIRD sister touches the SECOND sister
and now it’s like a non-consensual conga line in this barn
or else a g-rated human centipede with a goose for a head.

So Dumplet wakes up, checks out, and grabs his goose
totally failing to notice the three women attached to it
so he’s just dragging them across the countryside
going nowhere in particular
and along the way he picks up some random dude
and a local priest
and a couple of guys working in a field.
It’s getting to the point where this could maybe be a threat to national security
so of course the kid heads straight for the capitol
where the king has a hot daughter with no sense of humor
who he REALLY doesn’t want to marry off
as evidenced by the fact that he has promised to wed her to whoever can make her laugh
but then this dumbass shows up
with a goose govered in frantic women and religious authorities
and the princess loses her fucking shit
so the king thinks fast
and just demands a bunch of random impossible shit
all of which Dumplet accomplishes
using a combination of the forest hobo’s magic
and the forest hobo’s terrifyingly intense hunger
and then he gets to marry a princess
and torment a conga line of screaming vassals forever and ever.

The moral of the story is don’t pet wild animals.
Do give me money though.

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Musatak Chills With Bears

My entire city is encased in ice right now
it’s like somebody dumped a big bucket of Hoth on us all at once
seriously
i went on a beer run with my buddy last night
and he jumped into a huge pile of snow
like taller than we were
and then we got to the liquor store
and he couldn’t find his wallet
YA THAT’S RIGHT
SNOW STOLE HIS WALLET
WHAT THE FUCK WINTER
YOU’RE NOT CONTENT JUST STEALING OUR JOY AND WARMTH
YOU GOTTA STEAL OUR ACTUAL MONEY TOO?
Or maybe my friend just didn’t wanna pay for booze
who knows?
my friends are scoundrels.

Anyway all this snow makes me wanna tell a snowy myth.
I was gonna try and do one about wendigos
cause a couple of y’all expressed interest
but most wendigo stories are just like “AAAA SHIT A WENDIGO
THE END”
so instead I’m gonna go back to an old favorite source:
this book of Angmagsalik nonsense that somebody mailed me a couple years ago
I don’t even remember who did that
but I love them.

Anyway this story is about a chick named Musatak.
Musatak has no man and no kids
which sounds sweet to me
but to Musatak it’s a serious issue
so instead of finding a husband or stealing some kids
she does the next best thing and adopts a fucking bear
which is just like
wow
you’re already home alone
but now you’re home alone with a FUCKING BEAR
i mean i guess you’re not technically alone if there’s a bear there
but only because you’re WORSE THAN ALONE

for some reason though, the bear doesn’t eat Musatak
prolly because she is constantly feeding him blubber
and he fucking LOVES blubber
so this blubber-bear grows up and gets married
to a human woman
whom he impregnates
and then she gives birth to another bear
thus making blubber-bear way better at life than his foster mom
at least by the standards of this community
and let me just say
if your community prefers fucking actual bears to being single
maybe it is time to move.

Anyway the little bear gets older too
and pretty soon his dad is taking him hunting every day
except then they run into some other hunters
who are actual humans
and the bears are so used to chilling with humans
that they forget that humans are actually xenophobic assholes
so the humans kill the little bear and run away
and papa bear is like OH HELL NO

So he follows them back to their crib
and he climbs up on the roof
and just waits for dudes to come out
and every time they do, it’s just like THWAP
DEAD.
He kills TONS of people this way
until there’s only one guy left in the whole place:
THE ELDEST SON
so the eldest son ties a knife to the end of a stick
and when the bear tries to come into the house
to like piss on all the furniture and whatever
the kid just stabs the bear in the nuts
and the bear keeps coming
and the kid stabs him in the nuts again
and AGAIN
and AGAINNN
until the bear is finally like “Ow my nuts”
and falls over
but he’s not dead
so the kid cuts him up
but he’s still not dead
so the kid boils him alive
but he’s still not dead
his soul is just hiding under the floor to keep cool
because that’s a thing souls do
and then the kid eats him
and the bear is in an INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF PAIN
but he is STILL ALIVE
his soul just chills out in the house for 3 days
until finally he’s like “What am I even doing here?
I’m a ghost now, I can do whatever i want”
so he flies back home to his foster mom
who has cried so much that her snot is dripping all the way onto the floor
it’s super gross.
The end.

Yeah, seriously
there’s no minor victory for our bear hero or his weird mom
he just dies and gets eaten and she cries about it.
This is the kind of stories the Angmagsalik people seem to like
which just goes to show
that living in a state of endless winter
can sometimes be a little bit hard to
… bear?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA FUCK YOU GOODNIGHT

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