The Kalevala Has Weird Ideas About Iron

YES IT IS TIME
TIME FOR A MYTH
FROM A MYTHOS
CHOSEN BY MY PATREON BACKERS.
This month:
a quick just-so story from the Kalevala!

Ok so this story isn’t part of like
the main story of the Kalevala
which is mainly about wizards being assholes.
This is actually just a side-story
told by an asshole wizard named Wainamoinen
who has just lost literal boatload of blood
so take what he says with like a million grains of salt.
Like, get salt poisoning and die is what I’m saying.
It will protect you from believing wrong things.
It is hard to believe wrong things when you’re dead
this is why the phrase “dead wrong” is so bogus.

Anyway this story gets told
because when Wainamoinen goes to a dude for medical help
the dude instead asks Wainamoinen to tell him a story
about the origin of iron
so Wainamoinen is like “Uh ok
kinda going into shock here buddy
but here we go:

So back in the day there were these 3 chicks
they were the daughters of some god
which explains their nonsense behavior I guess.
What they do is they fly around everywhere
squeezing milk out of their tits
and only one of them has normal colored milk
one of them has red milk and one of them has black milk
which are not colors you want coming out of your body
like, ever.
But anyway they spray this bodyjuice all over the world
and it turns into iron
which, again
probably says bad things about their health prospects.

The different colored milk turns into different kinds of iron
but it doesn’t really matter in the end
because the iron all becomes one being
with like, a primitive hive mind
and the hive mind wakes up one day
and is like “Hm … pretty lonely down here on the earth
I’ma go visit my brother Fire.”

Fire is a terrible brother to have
because fire only interacts with things by setting them on fire
so Iron shows up at Fire’s place like hey bro
and Fire is like “ROARRRRR IMA EAT CHOO”
and Iron is like “oh shit this was a bad idea”
and runs away and hides in the ground
which is why iron is in the ground now
so thanks a lot, fire.

Iron isn’t super well hidden, though.
We know this because pretty soon
this blacksmith god Ilmarinen comes down
and builds a big forge
and just starts kidnapping iron and throwing it in his forge
and Iron is like “NOOO WHAT THE FUCK
I DON’T WANNA BE WEAPONS”
and Ilmarinen is like “TOUGH BRO, DUDES GOTTA DIE”

but the Iron isn’t cooperating
it’s soft and shitty, like a bag of worms
so Ilmarinen is frustrated, obviously
he needs to figure a way to make this iron better
and what he decides
is that it needs to be bribed with honey
so he finds a bee that can speak Finnish
(which, luckily, are more common in Finland than elsewhere)
and he’s like “I need a bunch of honey to rub on my swords”
and the bee is like “Sure dude
no questions asked as long as you pay me.”

But you know who’s eavesdropping on this conversation?
A motherfucking WASP.
And wasps just gotta fuck things up for everybody.
So this wasp gets up from his polished mahogany dinner table
climbs in his minivan
and goes to OSH and buys as much poison as he can find
and he brings it all back to Ilmarinen
like “Hey, here’s the honey you ordered”
and Ilmarinen can’t tell the difference between bees and wasps
because he is an insect racist
so he lets the wasp pour poison and violence all over his swords
and then the swords all wake up like “RAAAAA
FUCK PEACE
GONNA BE THE WORST THINGS EVER FROM NOW ON”
and that is why iron stabs people all the time now.

So yeah, Wainamoinen tells that whole story
and the dude he’s with is like “Wow, I had no idea
fuck Iron, am I right?”
and Wainamoinen is like “yeah seriously.
So can I get like a bandaid?”
and the dude is like “Oh yeah, whoops”
and everybody learns a valuable lesson
which is that iron is the worst
and it’s a good thing we invented safe weapons like atom bombs
because no bees were harmed in the making of those missiles.

The end.

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So I Wrote a New Book

george washington bigYup, pretty straightforward.
I have been biting my tongue so hard for the past few weeks
every time someone is like “HEY YOU SHOULD WRITE ANOTHER BOOK”
because I wrote it in like October
It’s called
GEORGE WASHINGTON IS CASH MONEY
and it’s coming out next month
and you can preorder it RIGHT NOW
and in fact, if you do preorder it
and email a receipt to bettermyths[at]gmail.com
I will give you some FREE BONUS WORDS
including my version of the Notorious Jumping Frog
(Originally by Mark Twain)
and THE BILL OF FUCKING RIGHTS.
WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS WHEN YOU COULD BE READING ABOUT MY BOOK
OR JUST READING MY BOOK????

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Sister Fox and Brother Wolf in: What The Hell Did I Just Read?

So the actual Ilya of Murom emailed me the other day
asking me to do more russian fairytales
and I can’t very well turn down a young murdergod
so here is the kind of story they tell in russia:

Right so there’s this fox
this fox is a terrible person
like if a dish glove full of garbage juice was a person
telling you how terrible she is is sort of a spoiler
because at the beginning she is acting pretty normal
you know
THE WAY SOCIOPATHS DO
like, it’s getting cold outside
and she doesn’t have a lighter to start her fire
so she goes out to her neighbor’s place
and she’s like “Hey old lady
you got a light?”
and the old lady is like “Yes of course
I am a lovely old lady who takes care of her neighbors
/ smokes HELLA weed
lemme just take these delicious pastries out of the oven
and leave you with them unattended for a minute
while I go get my lighter.”

So obviously Fox steals a pastry
but she doesn’t just regular steal it
she cuts a hole in it
sucks out the insides
and then stuffs it with straw.
Then she peaces out of the old lady’s house
with the straw-filled pastry
but WITHOUT the lighter she wanted
and wanders around until she finds some dudes.
These dudes have a bull and are idiots
so Fox is like “Hey boys
I’ll trade you this pastry for that bull
but you can’t eat the pastry until I’m gone.
Deal?”
and the boys are like “DUHHHH”
which is close enough to “Deal” to be legally binding
so the fox gives them the pastry
and takes the bull
and they wait until she’s gone
and then try to eat the pastry
and get a mouthful of straw.
They are not in the story any more after that
they fucked up their one chance to not be idiots
and now we are moving on.

So Fox still doesn’t have a lighter for her stove
but she DOES have a cow
which is a pretty good get.
It’s like Fox forgot what she was doing
and accidentally became Kyle MacDonald
so then she goes out into the woods
chops down some trees
and turns them into a sled.
She straps the bull to the sled
and starts tearing ass through the countryside.
This is when her equally terrible friend shows up.
His name is brother wolf
and if Sister Fox is a dish glove full of garbage juice
brother wolf is a dish glove full of slightly dumber garbage juice.

So brother wolf shows up like “HEY LEMME RIDE YOUR SLED”
and Fox is like “NO YOU’LL BREAK IT”
and brother wolf is like “NO COME ON BABY JUST THE TIP”
and then proceeds to put his paws on the sled
one at a time
until he predictably breaks it.
So obviously Fox is pissed
she stole good trees for that sled
so she tells wolf that he has to go chop down trees
using a magic spell she teaches him
but he fucks up the magic spell
so she’s like “ugh fine I’ll go do it”

but while she’s gone, Wolf gets hungry
and he can’t find any food in Fox’s house
because Fox doesn’t go grocery shopping
she just steals shit from her neighbors.
The only thing for wolf to eat is the bull
but Wolf isn’t content to just eat the whole bull
no, what he does is he drills a hole in the bull
SLURPS OUT ITS INSIDES
and then replaces its organs with LIVE SPARROWS.
Then he stuffs up the hole with straw
turning the remains of the bull into a writhing sack of birds
like this but with sparrows instead of cockroaches
then fox peaces out
because that’s what criminals do after crimes.

so Fox gets back to her house
with a beautiful new sled
only to discover that her cow is a fucking bird grenade
like, she ties it to the sled
hits it with a whip
and birds fucking swarm out of it
it is a terrifying experience
and it like sextuples the special effects budget for this myth.
No one is happy.

Obviously, Fox won’t stand for this shit
so she does the most straightforward thing she can do:
plays dead in order to stow away on the fish cart
because the fish cart drivers want to sell her body for booze
then chuck fish out the back
creating a hansel and gretel trail but way stinkier
and then wait at the end of the trail for wolf to show up.
And when wolf does show up
all like “Holy shit how did you get all these fish”
she’s like “Dude, so easy
just go find a hole in the ice
and swish your tail around in it
yelling “HEY, FISH, JUMP INTO MY BUTT”
it works every time.”

So Wolf immediately goes and does this
while fox hides in the bushes
and uses magical spells to make the water freeze on Wolf’s tail
trapping him in the ice.
Then she goes to the village
and tells everyone there’s a wolf on the ice
and the village people come kill him.
Like, HOLY SHIT
I THOUGHT Y’ALL WERE FRIENDS
OR AT LEAST SIBLINGS.
Whatever, though
now wolf is dead.
Then Fox goes home and freezes to death
because she NEVER GOT A LIGHT FOR HER FIREPLACE.

The moral of the story
is ADHD kills.

The end.

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Jesus is Back, and He’s … Surprisingly Chill About It

So last Friday Jesus died
oh wait I read that wrong
it was like 2000 years ago last Friday
still, it was a big deal
but then an even bigger-deal thing happened on Sunday
when Jesus abruptly stopped being dead.
It was such a big deal that people still have parties about it
let me tell you the story:

Okay so after they kill jesus
the roman soldiers take his body and put it in a cave
and then they put a big rock in front of the cave.
supposedly they do this in order to keep people out
because probably somebody is going to want to steal the body
but all true believers recognize the rock thing for what it is:
the setup for THE ULTIMATE MAGIC TRICK
seriously, how many times have you seen this shit in Vegas
the magician gets in a box or whatever
and then they open the box and …
shit, I don’t wanna drop any spoilers, hold on.

So Mary Magdalene and “some other Mary” show up to jesus’s tomb
(the other Mary being his mom)
to rub herbs on his dead body or some shit
and when they get there
ABRACADABRA
The stone has moved to the side
the guards are FREAKING THE HELL OUT
and Jesus
HAS VANISHED

Some angels are there to act as hype-men for this amazing trick
they’re like “JESUS IS ALIVE
YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD BUT BOY WERE YOU WRONG
PRETTY COOL HUH?”
and Mary Magdalene is like “Bullshit”
and jesus is like “Oh really Mary?
If that’s all bullshit, then how am I RIGHT BEHIND YOU?”
and Mary is like “OH MY GODDDDDDD”
and jesus is like “Hey
no swearing.”

So then the ladies head back home because there’s no body to rub herbs on
and Jesus shows up right in the middle of the road like “TADA”
and all the Maries are like “WHOAAAAAAAAA”
and Jesus is like “Yeah, pretty cool huh?
Hey, I’m gonna head over to Galilee and chill for a while
tell all my disciples to meet me over there.”
And then POOF
HE’S GONE.
EVERYONE IS STILL IMPRESSED.
Jesus is on some Chris Angel shit in this story, like for real
actually Chris Angel’s name is suspiciously biblical
slap a T on the end of that Chris and what do you get?
CONSPIRACY?
NOPE JUST A WEIRD STAGE NAME.

So on the way to Galilee Jesus sees some of his old bros
and they’re talking about his crucifixion
because they don’t have the internet so that is like their ONLY NEWS
and Jesus disguises himself and goes to ask them what’s up
and they’re like “Yeah Jesus died”
and Jesus is like “OR DID HE????
IT’S ME
CHECK IT OUT
I CAME BACK AFTER THREE DAYS LIKE THE PROPHECIES SAID
WATCH ME EAT BREAD TO PROVE I’M NOT A GHOST.”
Then he does basically the same thing to some of his other dudes
except they’re all fishing
(because they’re sad about him dying but they still have jobs and shit)
and he makes like WAY TOO MANY FISH appear in their nets
and then makes even more fish appear for them all to eat
and he lets them touch his body.
It seems like eating things and letting people touch his body
are like the two main things Jesus does to sell his awesome trick
it’s like when a magician shows you there’s nothing up his sleeve
or passes a hoop around himself to show there’s no wires
or pokes tiny holes in a condom so he can be your dad
maybe that’s just my personal experience with magicians
maybe I have a personal vendetta against magicians
I’m not ruling anything out

Anyway eventually jesus gets around to showing up in front of his 12 11 apostles
like “what up guys
I’m alive
wanna … eat some fish and bread with me?
You can touch me if you want.
Whatever, I’ve been doing this for a while, it’s kinda lost its luster”
and everyone is like “WHOOOAAAA COOOOOL”
except for this one dude, Thomas
who missed the invite and wasn’t there
so when all his bros tell him about Jesus being there
he thinks they’re pranking him
and Thomas HATES to get pranked
so he’s like “I won’t believe it unless Jesus shows up here right now
and lets me waggle my fingers around in all his wounds
to prove that he’s not just one of you assholes dressed up like jesus
and also I’m a little weird and I like to touch wounds okay?”
and Jesus shows up like “bam, I’m here
you wanna touch me, fine
touch all over my wounds
you wanna eat some bread with me?
I’m pretty full but I’ll do it I guess.”
and Thomas is like “HOLY SHIT YOU’RE REAL”
and Jesus is like “Okay first of all
no swearing
second of all yeah
I’m real
good job putting that together.
It would have been way cooler if you’d just believed, though
like everyone else is gonna have to from now on.
Anyway, I’m out
Jesus was here
tell your friends.”
and then he goes up to heaven to chill until the end times
or, according to later traditions
morphs into a rabbit and a bunch of colored eggs.
Believe whichever version you want
but only one gets you a basket full of candy.

The moral of the story
is that some people will go through a lot of trouble
just to freak out their friends
/usher in a philosophy of peace and forgiveness.

Whatever, happy easter.

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