One Woman’s Daring Journey Through a Labyrinth of Dicks

Remember the Arabian nights?
they’re the nights with all the stories in them
and most of the stories are about terrible people.
This one is no exception
it’s called “the lady and her five suitors
and that title SERIOUSLY UNDERSELLS what’s about to happen.

So this chick is married to this dude
but he’s not around a lot because he likes to travel
without his wife, I guess
or maybe she doesn’t like to travel
anyway there are clearly some deep problems with their relationship
which is why when she starts fucking this hot merchant’s son
no one is surprised
(I mean no one would be surprised if they knew about it
which they don’t.
this dame is pretty crafty, as you will see)
but then one day the dude gets in a fight with some other dude
who decides to prank him by framing him for a crime
and suddenly our heroine is running dangerously low on ilicit D.
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE

Naturally her first stop is the Chief of Police
because that’s the dude what imprisoned her boy
so she’s like “Hey
my ‘brother’ seems to have been falsely imprisoned
I am all alone without him and it is very sad
could you let him out please?”
and the Chief of Police says
very shrewdly, if I do say so:
“only if you touch my wiener.”
then
he pulls out his wiener

so the lady is like “Oh my
well
okay
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the police chief is like “hell yeah
I love being corrupt.”

The lady’s next stop is the judge
and she’s like “what up, your eminence
my ‘brother’ is wrongly imprisoned
and the police chief won’t let him go
so could you go over his head for me pretty please?”
and the judge is like “I will totally go over his head for you
but you are going to have to do a head-related thing for me as well
what i am trying to say is:
please touch my wiener.”

so the lady is like “wow
sure
okay
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the judge is like “haha yes
finally that worked.”

the lady’s next stop is the grand vizier
advisor to the king, chief administrator, secret traitor, whatever
and before she can speak he stops her and he’s like “no no
don’t tell me
you’re here to touch my wiener.”
and she’s like “No I’m here to ask you to release my ‘brother’ from jail”
and the vizier is like “uh huh
like I said
you’re here to touch my wiener”

so the lady’s like “you know what
sure
whatever
BUT
let’s do it at my place
tomorrow.”
and the vizier is like “score
this is way easier than tinder”

the final stop on this shame-train is the sultan
so the lady walks in like “hello your majesty, I’m -”
and the sultan is like “NOT UNLESS YOU TOUCH MY WEINER”
and she’s like “OKAY FINE
BUT LET’S DO IT AT MY PLACE
TOMORROW.”
and the king is like “aw yeah
i still got it baby”

now I know what you’re thinking, dear reader
you’re thinking that this woman
has just set up the most high-powered surprise orgy of all time
but read on and you will see that what she is really planning
is in fact far far dumber than that.
You see, her next stop is a carpenter
and she’s like “Hey bro
can you build me a cabinet with four locking compartments
the compartments should be human-sized please”
and the carpenter is like “sure
that’ll be four gold please
unless …


DOT DOT DOT”
and she’s like “MY PLACE, TOMORROW.
And make it FIVE compartments.”

So the carpenter stays up all night making the cabinet
and then he crashes out and the lady takes it to her house
and gets all dressed up
just in time for the judge to arrive
and the judge is like “hey babe
I hope you’re ready to touch my wiener”
and she’s like “take off your clothes”
and he’s like “ooh okay”
and then she’s like “put on these shittier clothes”
and he’s like “uhh okay”
and then a knock comes at the door
and he’s like “who’s that?”
and she’s like “OH FUCK IT’S MY HUSBAND
GET IN THE BOTTOM COMPARTMENT OF THIS CABINET”
so he jumps in and she locks him inside
and then goes and lets the police chief in
who is like “knock knock
(who’s there?)
my wiener
(my wiener who?)
touch my wiener
please touch it”
(don’t hesitate to try this sweet pickup line on your next date)
but the lady is like “slow down there cowboy
first write me a letter of unconditional release for my ‘brother’”
and he’s like “done”
and she’s like “now take off your clothes and put on these shitty ones”
and he’s like “done
now about those wiener-touches…”
and she’s like “OH SHIT MY HUSBAND IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR PLEASE HIDE”
and she locks him in the second compartment of the cabinet.

She pulls this EXACT SAME TRICK on the vizier, the sultan, AND the carpenter
(who really should know better because he built the damn cabinet)
despite the fact that the police chief ALREADY GAVE HER EVERYTHING SHE NEEDED
she straight up DOES NOT NEED TO IMPRISON ANYONE ELSE
so either she’s pioneering a medieval version of “to catch a predator”
or this is her idea of letting them down easy.

either way
once she has locked basically the whole government in a cabinet
(along with a carpenter)
she takes the letter to the treasurer
collects her boytoy
sells everyone’s fancy clothes
and skips town to avoid justice
leaving the sultan, the vizier, the chief of police and the judge
locked in a cabinet
FOR THREE DAYS
without food or water
until finally the carpenter gives up and pisses himself
and the piss drips on the sultan
who gives up and pisses on the vizier
who pisses on the police chief
who pisses on the judge.
it’s a whole piss party in this nasty cabinet
when a couple of the neighbors finally come over
because all the screaming is starting to disturb them
and when they figure out who’s in the cabinet
(and simultaneously solve the mystery
of why crime has gone totally unpunished for the last three days)
they bust them out
starving and covered in urine
to face the harsh light of a new day.
Then they all send for new clothes and go out for tacos.
Seriously
no consequences for anybody
other than the severe psychological trauma
of being locked in a mahogany piss-tub for half a week
but hey
that’s life?

So the moral of the story
is always take bribes in cash.
handjobs are not a fungible commodity.

the end.

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Watergate is Absolutely Nothing Like Gamergate

My Patreon backers have spoken
and apparently I’m supposed to retell a conspiracy theory today
but I already covered Roswell and the moon landing in my book
the JFK assassination is pretty boring
(once you get past the assassination part)
and I promised the Illuminati I wouldn’t blow their cover
so instead I’m going to tell you about a conspiracy theory
that describes an ACTUAL REAL LIFE CONSPIRACY:
Watergate.

If there is a more mythological conspiracy than Watergate
then I haven’t heard of it
which probably makes it a pretty good conspiracy but whatever.
Name me one other political scandal that is SO SCANDALOUS
that we’ve turned it into a nonsensical suffix
and slapped that suffix onto every event that seems even remotely shitty.
We’ve got shit like nipplegate, porngate, wienergate
donutgate, fajitagate, sodagate
bloodgate, robogate, grannygate
for fuck’s sake, we’ve had a GATEGATE

WE’VE REACHED PEAK GATE
FRIENDS, THE WORD ‘GATE’ DOES NOT MEAN ‘SCANDAL’ IN ENGLISH
Watergate was the name of a HOTEL in DC
and it is with that hotel that our story begins.

See, back in 1972, Richard Nixon is trying to be president again
because it went so well for the first four years
but he doesn’t want to leave his election up to chance
or, you know, democracy
so a couple of his aides hire five criminals
to break into the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee
(which is, you guessed it, in the Watergate Hotel)
and plant some microphones in there
the theory apparently being
that every politician has to say horrible shit sometimes
and it’s best to get it on tape when they do.

So these criminals plant the bug and get away
but then they have to go back to repair it pretty much immediately
because I guess it was made out of hot glue and garbage
and they get caught trying to do this
because the way these top secret presidentially-funded burglars are getting in
is by DUCT-TAPING THE DOORS OPEN.
We’re talking about dudes who have covertly received THOUSANDS of dollars
from Nixon’s re-election campaign
and the most fearsome weapon in their criminal arsenal
is fucking DUCT TAPE
SHITTILY APPLIED?

So Nixon hears that these bozos got arrested
and he’s like “What the fuck
who told those assholes they should do that?”
so either he told them to do it and then forgot
or he’s shitty at controlling his own people
so, mega boner either way.
He realizes pretty quick that this will look bad if it gets out
so he tells two of his top aides, Haldeman and Ehrlichman
and also his head lawyer, Dean
to do whatever they need to do to make this go away
which basically amounts to
“fuck up a whole bunch.”

Like, they try to have the CIA make the FBI stop investigating
but that doesn’t really work
and they do succeed in burning a safe full of evidence
but that doesn’t stop the FBI from following the money
and figuring out that every single one of those burglars
was paid in some way by Nixon’s re-election committee
which Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean are all involved with
plus the media just goes totally nuts
largely due to a bunch of leaks by someone calling himself Deep-Throat
(Come on, he cannot be ignorant of what that name mean)
and the investigation ends up convicting 69 people
(only 68 were actually guilty, the last one was for the lols)
So Nixon figures he has to initiate a DOUBLE-CONSPIRACY
by firing Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean
before anyone can connect him to them
and hopefully blame all this shit on those guys
so he calls Dean into his office and he’s like “Hey buddy
gonna have to ask you to resign
sure is a shame about all those CRIMES you COMMITTED, huh?
and how you committed them TOTALLY ON YOUR OWN?”
and Dean is like “Mister President
why are you putting undue emphasis on some of your words like that?
are you … recording me?”
and Nixon is like “What? No! I’m no scumbag!
But just for old time’s sake, how about admitting to a bunch of crimes.
I mean, I know about them, but it’s nice to reminisce, right?”

So Dean goes to the committee that’s investigating this whole Watergate thing
and he’s like “Um, I think the president has tape recorders in his office?”
and everybody’s like “Oh shit
I bet there’s CRIMES on those tapes.
Nixon, have you been bugging your office?”
and Nixon is like “…yea”

OK HOLD ON
This whole fucking fiasco is happening
because Nixon wanted to put BUGS IN POLITICIAN’S OFFICES
because he was sure that they would say some HORRIBLE SHIT
and you’re telling me
that this whole time
Nitwit von Boogerheim was bugging his OWN FUCKING OFFICE?
Dude

Nixon’s brilliant plan is to just be like “No you can’t hear the tapes
I’m the president. it me.”
But they still make him release transcripts
which don’t reveal any crimes
but do reveal that he’s generally a shitty dude
who thinks the American people are a bunch of chumps
so that doesn’t do him any favors
and then the Supreme Court is like “Yeah dude
you kind of have to show those tapes”
and Nixon’s like “WOOARRRRGH
FINE
HERE’S YOUR STUPID TAPES.
HAVE FUN IMPEACHING ME, JERKS.”

and they do
they impeach him so hard they do it THREE TIMES
and Nixon is finally like “Okay okay
you got me
I still don’t think I did anything wrong
BIG WINK
but I love America so much that I don’t want it to see me like this
so I’m resigning gracefully
after a long and bitter war of lies and corruption
peace out, chumps.”
Then Gerald Ford becomes president
and immediately pardons Nixon for every crime ever
because I guess you tend to feel pretty sympathetic
for the dude who just made you president.

The moral of this story
is one we can all stand to learn:
if you’re wretched enough to hatch criminal conspiracies while president
you should at least be smart enough not to preserve RECORDED EVIDENCE of it

The end.

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Hyppolitus, A Play About Sex Problems

Holy cow it’s been a long time since I did a greek myth
so
speaking of holy cows
here’s a story about the daughter of pasiphae
(Pasiphae fucked a holy cow)
this daughter’s name is Phaedra
and the play about her is appropriately titled:

HIPPOLYTUS BY EURIPIDES
(adapted for internet by Fake Ovid Naso)

All of the horrible shit that’s about to happen is happening in Athens, Greece, which is the city that Theseus is the king of. Theseus is on his third wife at this point, because he abandoned the first one (Ariadne) on an island and the second one (Hyppolita) killed herself at his wedding to his third wife (Phaedra). This play is not named after any of those people. It’s named after Theseus’s son from his second marriage: Hyppolitus. Aphrodite is here right now and she does not like Hyppolitus at all.

APHRODITE: Oh my god fuck Hyppolitus. Seriously, somebody please fuck Hyppolitus. That little sanctimonius piss merchant has made a pledge to Artemis that he won’t fuck no ladies no-how, and no matter how much poon I shovel his way, he sticks to his limp-ass guns. Well fine. If he’s not gonna get fucked the fun way, I’m gonna fuck him in the un-fun way. BOOM! Phaedra’s in love with him now. Have fun dealing with unstoppable stepmom lust, cricket-dick.

Aphrodite exits directly into the towering orgy that is her life. Then there’s a scene where Hyppolitus shows up at Athens and fails to pay respects to Aphrodite but we already know he’s a swaggerless eunuch so let’s skip to the good shit: here comes Phaedra and her horny nurse

NURSE: Ok seriously you need to eat something.

PHAEDRA: Nah I’m good.

NURSE: You have not eaten anything in like six days. I get that thin is in or whatever but you are going to fucking die and there is only a small subset of people in the kingdom who are into that shit.

PHAEDRA: Dying seems pretty cool.

NURSE: Clearly something is up right now and you need to tell me what it is

PHAEDRA: Promise you won’t freak out?

NURSE: I promise

PHAEDRA: I wanna sex up Hyppolitus

NURSE: OH WHAT THE FUCK

PHAEDRA: You just said you wouldn’t freak out!

NURSE: Yeah well you just said you wanna slap laps with your step-son so I guess it’s a pretty crazy night all around huh?

PHAEDRA: So you understand then. The only logical solution here is for me to kill myself. Every other solution involves having sex with my step-son.

NURSE: Okay calm down. Let’s think about this like rational people.

PHAEDRA: But we’re characters in a greek tragedy

NURSE: Oh yeah, shit. Tell you what: I can make a potion that will make you stop loving Hyppolitus, but first I need to get him to give you a token of his affection, so I’ll go explain the whole situation to him and it will all work out perfectly with no complications.

PHAEDRA: What a shitty plan

NURSE: Remember when you were gonna starve yourself to death because you like a boy?

PHAEDRA: Fine, do your thing.

Nurse goes into the castle to find Hyppolitus.

NURSE: Yo Hyppolitus I have something to tell you but first you have to pinkie swear not to tell anyone else

HYPPOLITUS: Sure, what’s up?

NURSE: I need you to fuck your step-mom.

HYPPOLITUS: Super not going to!

NURSE: Come on she’s technically not even related to you

HYPPOLITUS: One: it’s still creepy. Two: if it wasn’t creepy I still wouldn’t do it because I am a VIRGIN who HATES SEX.

NURSE: We’re talking about the chick your dad left your mom for. She’s obviously super hot.

HYPPOLITUS: That is HIGHLY UNCONVINCING.

NURSE: Her mom fucked a bull. She’s probably kinky!

HYPPOLITUS: God dammit if you hadn’t made me promise not to tell anyone about this I would SO BE TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS

NURSE: Well duh that’s why I made you promise.

HYPPOLITUS: UGH. GIRLS ARE SO GROSS. I’m going out hunting. When my dad gets back home you are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE.

Hyppolitus runs away. The Nurse goes outside to tell Phaedra she fucked up.

PHAEDRA: How’d it go?

NURSE: Not … great?

PHAEDRA: Shit. Guess I better go kill myself.

NURSE: Guess so.

Bummer. Theseus gets home a few minutes later and finds his wife’s corpse

THESEUS: Aw man not again. I just got this one! Hey, there’s a note attached to her: “Dear Theseus, Hyppolitus raped me and I was so ashamed about it that I killed myself. Love, your dead wife.” Aw, fuck! Hyppolitus, get in here!

HYPPOLITUS: Hey dad what’s upOH MY GOD PHAEDRA’S DEAD

THESEUS: Don’t act so surprised you sex criminal

HYPPOLITUS: But I didn’t … she came on to me!

THESEUS: Wow. Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?

HYPPOLITUS: Man I wish I could tell you more, but I sort of … promised not to?

THESEUS: Weak. You’re exiled. I hope you die. In fact, I’m gonna do better than hope. I’m gonna cash in one of my favors with Poseidon to actually make you die.

This all happens. Hyppolitus gets banished, and then Poseidon causes an earthquake and Hyppolitus’s horses freak out and drag him to death. It’s pretty brutal. Then, Artemis shows up!

ARTEMIS: Hey, sorry I’m late. You didn’t kill Hyppolitus yet, did you? Because he’s innocent. Totally innocent the whole time.

THESEUS: Oh. … Well shit.

ARTEMIS: I guess the moral of the story is …

ALL: Women are liars!

NURSE: Hey, is anybody worried that stories like these enable a culture of victim-blaming and rape denial?

ARTEMIS: THE END!

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Green Eggs and Ham is About the Nature of Consent

So this guy is hanging out in his house
and then all of a sudden this tiny dude busts in
and he’s like YO MY NAME IS SAM
DID YOU HEAR ME
I SAID
MY NAME IS SAM
SAM, THAT’S ME
LEMME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU:
S as in SAM
A as in SAM WITHOUT THE S
M as in MY NAME IS SAM
and the other dude is like “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”
and Sam is like “Eat this green food I brought with me.”
and the guy is like “What?
no
ham is not supposed to be green
eggs are not supposed to be green
those things are clearly riddled with disease
I do not like to put diseases in my mouth
thank you Sam you may now leave.”

But Sam is not going to give up
because Sam is a relentless garbage-chef
instead he settles in for the long haul
in a house that is not his
and starts asking questions
he’s like “What if I put them in a house?”
and the dude is like “No we are already in a house”
and Sam is like “Okay what if I threw in a live rodent”
and the dude is like “Wow you somehow made moldy breakfast less appetizing
A+ job please go away”
but Sam is like “How about if I put them … inside a box?”
and the dude is like “You can put them wherever you want
as long as I don’t have to eat them”
and Sam is like “Okay okay
what if I paired them with a vicious forest dog
like a wolf or maybe a fox?”
and the dude is like “Please leave my home.”

So Sam sees that he’s not getting anywhere
and he leaves
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
Next day, this poor dude is crossing the street
when Sam shows up in a misshapen convertible
and tries to RUN HIM OVER
and then he’s like “WOULD YOU EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM IN A CAR?”
and the dude is like “YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO MURDER ME”
and Sam is like “WHAT ABOUT IN A TREE?”
and the dude is like “DON’T HIT A TREE YOU’LL KILL US BOTH
PLEASE STOP HARASSING ME
I DO NOT WANT YOUR SHITTY FOOD
I DON’T CARE HOW MANY SHITTY PRIZES YOU OFFER ME”

Then Sam goes eerily silent
he stops his car
and is deep in thought
the dude thinks maybe the nightmare is over
but he is not so lucky
an idiot grin slowly spreads across Sam’s face
he opens his hairy lips and screams:
“A TRAIN!
A TRAIN A TRAIN A TRAIN!!!!!”
and the dude is like “Are you even listening to me
who are you
why is it so important to you that I eat your trash food”
but Sam can’t hear him
Sam is lost in his own horrifying world.
The guy goes home that night and discovers that his power has been cut
Sam is waiting for him in the darkness
like, “How about now?
It’s dark
you can’t even tell what color the ham is.”
the guy screams and runs
but Sam follows him on tiny, gnarled feet
offering a goat, or a ride on his yacht
if he will only nibble on these festering morning treats.
He chases the poor man all through town
until finally the man can take no more
he turns to Sam and yells “FINE
YOU WIN
I’LL EAT YOUR DAMN COMPOST
ANY AMOUNT OF MEDICAL BILLS IS BETTER THAN THIS”
he kneels before Sam
who triumphantly skewers a rubbery green egg on a fork
and places it on the man’s outstretched tongue.
It tastes like burnt plastic dipped in bad milk
and yet he smiles
he realizes that he loves his tormentor
Sam only wants the best for him, after all
he will happily eat whatever this tiny shitty man offers him
he will dine with vermin, livestock and wild dogs
he will eat hot garbage on boats and in cars, in houses and in boxes
he will live in the dark
slurping up whatever congealed slime Sam sees fit to offer him.
it will truly be
a paradise.

The moral of the story
is that the way to a man’s heart
is through relentless psychological torture
i mean his stomach

the end

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