Thoth Bangs Nut for DAYS

Thoth is the bee’s fucking knees
like if you have ever looked at a bee
and been like why is that bee walking so stiffly
the answer is
because it has no knees
Thoth stole them
by being them.

We’re talking about a dude who got fed up with not existing
so he grabbed existence by the hair and being like
SAY MY NAME BITCH
but existence, being a concept, couldn’t say shit
so Thoth was like FINE I’LL DO IT:
THOTH
BOOM
I EXIST NOW.
This is a dude not to be trifled with.

So one day Thoth is busting a nut up in Nut
the goddess of the sky/RA’S FUCKING WIFE
and Nut’s like hey maybe we should keep it down
don’t want my husband
who is also THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE AND LORD OF THE SUN
to find out I’m cheating on him with you
and Ra’s like WHAT’S THAT HONEY?
DID YOU FORGET THAT I SEE LITERALLY EVERYTHING?
SERIOUSLY, I RIDE MY SUN CHARIOT ACROSS YOUR BACK EVERY DAY
AND NOW YOUR ASS IS GETTING CURSED
SEE, I KNOW YOU MUST BE PREGNANT
EVERYTHING IN MYTHOLOGY CAUSES PREGNANCY
SO HOW ABOUT YOU CAN’T GIVE BIRTH
ON ANY DAY OF ANY MONTH OF ANY YEAR
ENJOY PERMA-PREGNANCY, DEMI-SLUT

this is a really brutal punishment
especially considering Thoth is not the only dude Nut’s been banging
so she’s actually pregnant x5
imagine being immortal AND pregnant forever
FIVE pregnant.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THE EXPERIENCE.

Thoth feels bad for Nut because this is kind of his fault
and also now one of his kids is trapped inside her
but what’s he gonna do?
he can’t break a curse laid down by the sun-lord himself
that would be ridiculous.
No, better to just hustle the moon
much more doable.

So Thoth goes to the moon and he’s like yo moon
I heard you liked this game called senet
it’s basically our version of snakes and ladders
wanna play?
and the moon
who is bored out of his shiny white mind up there in the night sky
is like yes of course
so they play a couple rounds
and Thoth loses like a chump
and then he’s like “Okay, okay
why don’t we make this a little more fun.
If you win the next round, I’ll give you SECRET KNOWLEDGE
because that’s all I’ve got. I’m the god of that.
And if I win, you give me an hour’s worth of moonlight.”
which is sort of like saying “If you win, I’ll share you an ebook
and if I win, you give me a pint of your blood.”
but the moon is pretty confident, and he loves ebooks, so he’s like sure
and Thoth fucking tramples him.
He wins like 40 games in a row
making sure to keep the margins narrow so the moon will keep playing
and when he’s collected FIVE FULL DAYS WORTH OF MOONLIGHT
he’s like “Alright man, it’s been real
I gotta go fuck up time now
peace”
and the moon is like “WAIT
NO
DOUBLE OR NOTHING
COME ON”

From that day on, the moon is too god damn weak to be full everyday
which is why the moon does the slow fade every four weeks now
he’s exhausted
he is missing blood
it’s a whole huge problem.

But what does Thoth do with all that blood?
he pours it into the end of the year and makes FIVE BONUS DAYS
and since these are bonus days made of moon blood and black magic
they don’t count as part of the year for the purposes of Ra’s curse
and Nut is free to have as many babies on these days as she wants
so she has one baby per day
including Isis, Osiris, and Set.
These are pretty legit babies
who will go on to cause a lot of problems.

Anyway that’s why the year has 365 days instead of a sweet 360
which just goes to show
that gambling is a great way to solve all your relationship problems

the end.

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THE MATRIX

Right so there’s this dude named Tom
his last name is Anderson
and his screen name is Neo
which is crazy
because how was that not already taken
it’s only 3 letters
and it doesn’t have any numbers after it or anything
that’s probably the single least believable part of this story

Tom is a conspiracy theorist
he is convinced that something is wrong with the world
and he is running a constant google search
through a grainy green-on-black version of the internet
trying to find some dude named Morpheus
and also what “The Matrix” is
like duh it’s the movie you’re in, asshole
read a book.

Tom falls asleep at his computer one night
like he does every night of his sad life
but this time he gets an IM from some snarky anon
all “wake up Neo
the Matrix has you
follow the white rabbit
[a thing that has NEVER gone well for ANYONE]
someone is going to knock on your door right now”
and then someone KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR
if I were him
i would have asked the dude at the door if he was trolling
but Tom instead notices that the dude’s girlfriend
has a tattoo of a white rabbit on her shoulder
which he takes as a good enough excuse
to get fucked up on a week night

at the club he meets this chick named Trinity
who spent the first ten minutes of the movie
ruining an entire swat team
and then swan diving into a skyscraper
but will from now on do almost nothing badass on screen
because the boy is here.
She tells Tom she knows who morpheus is
and that he’s looking for him and whatever
she does this really seductively for no reason
and then Tom wakes up hung over
and he goes to work and gets chewed out by his boss
and then he gets a cell phone in the mail
and the cell phone is like “HEY THERE I’M MORPHEUS
YOU NEED TO LEAVE WORK RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE POLICE WANT YOU”
so like
why did they not just meet up last night
why did they wait until the next day
when he was stuck at work and chased by evil cops
some people are so inconsiderate.

Obviously Tom fails to escape
because he was set up for failure by his shitty new friends
and he gets taken captive by these freaky government agents
who act real smug and put a centipede inside him
but luckily it was all a dream
except it wasn’t because then Morpheus calls him again
like “Hey I’m glad the agents let you go for no reason
let’s meet up now.”
so Neo gets in a classic car under an old bridge
and trinity is there to attach a penis pump to his stomach
and then they go to another abandoned building to meet Morpheus
(btw every building in the world is fucking abandoned i guess)

So Morpheus (who wears sunglasses at night
just like everyone else who understands the true nature of reality)
Morpheus sits Neo down and he’s like “Listen:
reality is a lie
everything is the Matrix.
You know what’s not a lie though?
These cool drugs.
The blue one will knock you the fuck out
the red one will OPEN YOU FUCKING MIND”
so Neo takes the red pill because he is not a wuss
and then he wakes up
and realizes that everything he has ever experienced has been a lie
and that reality is ACTUALLY a sunless hellworld
where human beings are used as living batteries by the matriarchy

It turns out that reality is total bullshit
everybody is pale and lives in the sewer and eats gruel
and the only fun part is that sometimes you can jack back into matrix
and almost get killed
by a bunch of guys who look like the Blues Brothers’ dad
and are actually just really aggressive sysadmins
I guess there is one other fun part
which is that everyone has hovercrafts
and the one Neo is on belongs to Morpheus.
Morpheus is convinced that Neo is “The One”
that is, the dude foretold by prophecy
who will be able to bend the Matrix to his will
(because oh yeah, the Matrix is just a computer simulation
designed to pacify all the human batteries
by allowing them to perpetually experience the height of human civilization:
1999)
Morpheus has been around for many years
and has freed many people from the Matrix
but none of them are The One
because they’re all mostly women or minorities.

So they install a bunch of apps on Neo
like “Kung Fu” and “Cyber Goth Fashion Sense”
and then he takes him to see The Oracle
which, if mythology has taught us NOTHING ELSE
we should know is a BAD FUCKING IDEA.
The oracle is pretty nice though
she gives Neo cookies
tells him he’s gonna have to choose between his life and Morpheus’s
and asks a bunch of leading questions
that cause him to conclude that he’s not the one
and she’s like “Sorry kid
Maybe in your next life or something.”
and then he goes outside
and Morpheus is like “you don’t have to tell me a thing, buddy
we both know what she told you, right?
WINK”
and Neo is like “Ugh so awkward.”

Meanwhile, exactly one member of Morpheus’s crew is not an idiot
and his name is Cypher.
He has concluded
totally correctly
that living in a sewer eating semen out of a rusty tin
is NOT awesome
slap as much cyberpunk shit on it as you want
you are still slurping jizz soup inside a highly advanced toilet
so he makes a deal with the sysadmins:
they will put him back into the matrix
if he lets them nab Morpheus inside the Matrix.
So that’s what he does
he leads the agents to Morpheus
he manages to get out of the matrix while everyone else is still inside
he zaps the two dudes manning the consoles with a lightning gun
and then he starts unplugging all the expendable characters one by one
but I guess he didn’t use enough lightning
because one of the guys he zapped gets up and zaps him
RIGHT AS HE’S ABOUT TO UPLUG NEO
IT’S FAAAAAAAAAAATE
ALSO MOST OF HIS FRIENDS ARE DEEEEEEEEAD.

Neo goes understandably crazy when he gets out
partially because of what the oracle said
and he’s like “fuck it, I’m going back in to rescue Morpheus”
and Trinity is like “That’s suicide
I’m going with you to also die”
so they go to get Morpheus
who the agents are holding in a tall office building with many windows
and not a windowless prison compound
even though
based on the street names
this story takes place in Chicago
and Chicago has an actual prison right in the middle of downtown.
This strategic oversight is what allows Trinity and Neo
to walk in through the front door
shoot everyone with their countless automatic weapons
pointlessly blow up the lobby while they ride the elevator cable to the roof
hijack a helicopter
shoot up the room that Morpheus and the agents are in
(remembering, luckily, to turn friendly fire off)
and then whisk him away to a train station
where a phone booth will take them out of the Matrix

Morpheus and Trinity get out
but RIGHT AS NEO IS ABOUT TO GET OUT
one of the agents posesses a hobo and shoots the phone
so Neo has to fight him and it’s cool
but when throwing the agent under a moving train fails to kill him
Neo realizes it’s better to just run

Meanwhile in real life
the evil robots of the matriarchy have found Morpheus’s hoverboat
they are cutting it apart with lasers
and they can’t use the EMP on them because that would kill Neo
but luckily, around this time
one of the Agents shoots Neo in the face in the matrix and he dies
so now they can use the EMP
except everyone is too sad
and Trinity starts making out with his corpse
because see the Oracle told her she would fall in love with a man
and that man would be THE ONE
SO HE CAN’T DIE
and I guess Trinity’s hot smooches remind Neo
that the matrix is a bullshit computer simulation
and why the fuck would it matter if he got shot in a computer simulation
so he respawns
eats everybody’s bullets
jumps into an agent’s chest and explodes him
and the whole time all the agents are like “HAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXX”

but there is no time to be cool, robots are attacking
Neo jacks out of the matrix and they kill all the robots
everything is fine
and the Oracle is technically correct
because it did take Neo dying before he became The One.
Anyway then he spends the rest of his life
flying around the Matrix in a black leather trenchcoat
yelling “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” into random payphones
and no one makes any sequels ever and it’s great.

so the moral of the story
is if you feel like you can’t live up to the expectations of everyone around you
because you don’t have and have never had the necessary knowledge or skills
or the drive to practice those skills
or really anything that prepared you for the responsibility in any way
kill yourself
and come immediately back to life as a superhero

the end.

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Alice and Her Adventures in Gaslighting

Right so there’s this kid Alice
she doesn’t have anything to do because she is a kid
and child labor is like frowned on or something
so instead she is just sitting under a dumb tree with her sister
when this rabbit runs by

now normally this would not be unusual
rabbits can only move by running
and they don’t normally stop to hang out
pretty rude honestly
but this rabbit is wearing PEOPLE CLOTHES
and a little pocketwatch
and is muttering to himself in HUMAN ENGLISH
about how late he is
and she’s like “hey sis did you see that?”
and her sister is like “I didn’t see anything.”
THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS.

So Alice is like “fuck you” and she follows the rabbit
and she’s a dumb clumsy baby so she falls down his rabbit hole
it is incredibly deep for a rabbit hole
giving her enough time to resign herself to death
and then start thinking about her cat
but she doesn’t die for some reason
she lands in a big fancy room with a key and some drugs in it
the drugs say “drink me” on them so she figures she’d better
and they turn her into a tiny person
which is good because there is a tiny door to go through
but she left the key on the table when she drank the drugs
and now she can’t get it
it’s like one of those procedural adventure game puzzles
where if you fuck up the order you have to wipe your save file and restart
Alice should kill herself is what I’m saying
but no, instead she mopes around until she finds a cake that says EAT ME on it
and she’s like “fuck you too, cake”
but then she eats it anyway
all of it
and it makes her enormous
SHE TOOK TOO MUCH
BAD TRIP BAD TRIP
she starts crying and crying
she floods the whole room because she is so huge
she is an ecological crisis
then the rabbit rolls in and is like “HOLY FUCK A GIANT WOMAN”
and she’s like “HOLY FUCK A TALKING RABBIT”
but only the rabbit is capable of fleeing
so he does, and he leaves a little fan behind
which Alice STEALS because she is a BAD PERSON
so it serves her right when the fan makes her shrink again
once again without the fucking key
and she starts drowning in her tears

So then a bunch of animals show up
and engage in a stupid and pointless game called a Caucus Race
which I’m sure is an utterly gripping political allegory
until Alice scares them away by talking about her cat
for a person trapped in an acid trip
Alice spends a lot of time talking about her cat
I guess this sort of behavior predates the internet

Anyway then the rabbit shows up again
to try and recover his clothing accessories
but all he finds is a tiny girl in a sea of tears
so naturally he assumes she’s his maidservant
and sends her to his house to get more gloves and fans.
Alice does as she’s asked
(oh yeah that whole room and locked door disappeared
continuity is for weenies)
but she only makes it as far as the rabbit’s bedroom
when she finds his drugs that he just left lying on the counter
so she chugs the drugs because it’s been going GREAT SO FAR
and what do you know, she becomes giant again
she becomes so giant she cannot move inside the house
she is just a bunch of shitty arms and legs sticking out of a house
as a result of drinking some liquid
that this rabbit just LEFT OUT ON HIS COUNTER
like DO YOU REALIZE THE MILITARY APPLICATIONS OF THIS SHIT?
Didn’t they make a garbage cgi sequel to this story
where they had to fight a war or something?
where the fuck was this super soldier serum in that movie
seems like it would have been way useful

anyway all these animals gather to pelt Alice with rocks
and the rocks turn into cake
which she eats and it makes her tiny again
so there is like NO CONSISTENCY TO WHAT THESE THINGS DO
SOMETIMES THE CAKE MAKES YOU SMALL, SOMETIMES HUGE
THIS IS POOR UI DESIGN IS WHAT THIS IS
whatever
Alice leaves the rabbit’s definitely ruined house
and wanders into some woods
because that seems fucking safe.

in the woods she eventually runs into a caterpillar
but the caterpillar is too stoned to be of any fucking use
it’s just like “yeah man eat some of this mushroom i’m sitting on
i am sure it will solve ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS.”
and through trial and error Alice soon discovers that
JUST LIKE EVERY INGESTABLE THING IN THIS WORLD
part of the mushroom makes her smaller
and the other part makes her large
or at least her neck grows longer
and by carefully combining these two potent pharmaceutical mushrooms
she is able to once again achieve a normal size
just in time to start trespassing on someone’s estate.

I mean whatever, right?
we’re talking about a world in which potent size-altering drugs are LITERALLY EVERYWHERE
private property is right out the window.
There’s a duchess who lives on this estate, but who the fuck cares
the important thing is her cat.

Fuck
the Cheshire
Cat
this ephemeral, gaslighting shitwit
seems to have been placed in Alice’s path
solely to erase her love for cats
all leering at her from the branches of trees
questioning her sanity
not even providing her with any good drugs
seriously, cat
EVERYBODY in wonderland’s got the good drugs
you couldn’t even throw her a pack of cigarettes?
NOPE
JUST CRYPTIC STATEMENTS AND AN EERIE LINGERING SMILE
A SMARMY CRESCENT OF SHIT-EATING TEETH
fuck this cat, is what i’m trying to say

the next clown posse Alice runs up on is no better
these three ICP rejects are just sitting around a table in the woods
having a fucking tea party
one of them is a rabbit
but not a nice pocket-watch carrying rabbit
a gnarly hobo rabbit
who is best friends with a haberdasher suffering from mercury poisoning
and a mouse who is CLEARLY addicted to heroin
all of whom are engaged in this perpetual teatime circlejerk
because they are too high to remember how time works
and are convinced that TIME ITSELF IS PUNISHING THEM
BY TRAPPING THEM AT 6PM FOREVER
at this point Alice is fed up with their bullshit entirely
and just leaves
bringing the total narrative impact of this trio of acid casualties
to exactly ZERO

Finally Alice runs into some dudes who are playing cards
they are painting some white roses red
because in a land where mushrooms can actually alter your size
landscaping is a fucking mystery.
These dudes work for the queen of hearts
who is also a playing card
and not some kind of hot cougar lady
although i don’t know, maybe
we don’t get a ton of character development
she mainly just stomps around demanding that people get beheaded
she fucking loves beheadings
she is like the whole french revolution stuffed into a ladysuit
and then the ladysuit is smashed flat by a trash compactor
and stuffed into a giant playing card
which would have been a novel way to counter the french revolution.

ANYWAY the queen invites Alice to play croquet with her
but it quickly becomes clear that no one knows how to play croquet
for one thing
in the game of croquet
one does not substitute mallets for LIVE FLAMINGOS
which is common sense
since the only sports which involve birds in any way
involve the KILLING of birds
because BIRDS ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING ELSE

yeah so then something happens
and another thing happens
and then the queen gets mad because someone stole some pastries
so naturally
based on some serious profiling
she accuses the Knave of Hearts
(aka the Jack of Hearts)
and everybody sits down to have a trial
which is a farce
because everybody knows the queen is just going to behead everybody anyway.
Pretty much all the animals from the story so far are here
like, apparently the rabbit works here
this is his job
seriously like everybody is here except for the caterpillar
the caterpillar was gonna go
but then it got high.
So then just when they are about to call Alice as a witness
(despite the fact that what the fuck could she possibly know)
her genome finally succumbs to the tremendous strain she’s put it under
by repeatedly changing size
and she starts growing for no reason at all
and everyone is like “STOP GROWING IT IS ILLEGAL”
and she’s like “FUCK YOU GUYS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M A GIANT”
which is EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULDN’T LEAVE BOTTLES OF GROWTH HORMONE EVERYWHERE
but just as when shit is getting real
Alice
who is the new god of this tiny stupid world
WAKES UP.

COME

THE FUCK

ON.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CLASSIC WORK OF LITERATURE
BUT IT’S REALLY MORE LIKE LEWIS CARROL WRITING HIMSELF INTO A CORNER
WITH A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TWEEN TRYING TO BE “SO RANDOM”
AND THEN HE WAS LIKE OH NO OH SHIT WHAT NOW
OH AHA YES IT WAS ALL A DREAM
PERFECT.

SO YEAH I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MORAL IS
NOTHING HAD CONSEQUENCES OR ANYTHING
SO I GUESS JUST LIKE
DON’T EVER GO TO SLEEP?

GREAT
AWESOME
GOODNIGHT

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Erysichthon Gotta Eat

I always love a good Greek myth
and today’s was brought to my attention
by long-time reader Ilya “Not Ilya of Murom” Lastname
and it is about an eating disorder

So you guys know about Demeter, right?
She’s the goddess of fertility and crops and whatnot
her daughter got stolen by the king of hell for sex reasons
it was a whole thing.
Anyway, being as she is in charge of fertility and crops and whatnot
it makes sense that Demeter would have an official forest dedicated to her
with a tree in it that is also dedicated to her
and covered in garlands and shit
one for each prayer she’s answered
so either she answers a lot of prayers
or everybody keeps falsely attributing their success to her
and then showering her tree in the ancient greek equivalent of macaroni pictures
in fact I’m not entirely convinced that Demeter likes these offerings
they seem like fancy trash to me
i don’t know how Demeter feels about littering
but I would wager she does not feel super great about it???
regardless, she does feel pretty attached to the actual tree
seeing as it is a literal extension of her body
which is why she is none too pleased
when this shitty king named Erysichthon decides to chop it down.

It is not at all clear why Erysichthon wants to do this
he doesn’t need the wood or anything
there’s no record of Demeter doing anything particularly shitty to him
maybe he just has really bad seasonal allergies
or he’s trying to erect a strip mall
or he just fucking hates trees
all totally understandable motivations
but Demeter doesn’t see it that way
she sees it the way where some rich asshole is carving up part of her body with an axe
so she makes the tree turn into flesh and start GUSHING BLOOD
and all Erysichthon’s guys are like “dude trees aren’t supposed to do that
this tree is CLEARLY haunted
why don’t we quit while we’re ahead
as in while we are not beset by vengeful ghosts”
but Erysichthon chops down the tree anyway
he gets blood everywhere
crushes a ton of other trees under its massive trunk
it’s a horrible waste
which is what makes it so metal.

Demeter obviously is not impressed by how metal this all is.
Instead she decides Erysichthon needs to get punished
and in the ancient Greek tradition
of punishments having fuck all to do with the crime
she decides to make him perpetually hungry.
Here’s the problem:
making people hungry is the exact opposite of what Demeter can do
she is straight up the goddess of feeding people
she is the concerned jewish mother of the Greek pantheon
so she has to ask Famine to do this thing for her
which is complicated by the fact
that Demeter and Famine are NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HANG OUT
so Demeter has to send a go-between to the fucking Eurasian steppes
to find Famine on the tundra
with her ribs all exposed and her eyes all sunken
guts all visible through the skin
doing a photoshoot for Chanel
and the go-between is like “psst:
Demeter wants you to fuck a dude up.
Climb down his throat and shit a black hole in his stomach
please and thank you.”
and Famine is like “Sure whatever
I wasn’t doing anything this evening anyway.”

So Famine flies to Erysichthon’s house and gives him The Hunger
which is like if every food item in the world
was suddenly Subtraction Soup from the Phantom Tollbooth
everything he eats just makes him more hungry
he’s hoovering down food like a tyrannical Guy Fieri
he’s sitting at dinner like “mm this bucket of fried chicken is good
you know what it would go great with?
ELEVEN BUCKETS OF FRIED CHICKEN.”
He cleans out countless all-you-can-eat buffets
he even goes to Sizzler
his stomach is a void
his a mouth is a portal to the Other Side
he is Galactus
it’s super inconvenient

he sells everything he owns to buy more food
and then when he runs out of things to sell
he starts selling people
namely his daughter Mestra
he sells her into slavery for a cheesy crunch wrap from Taco Bell
but for some reason she doesn’t want to be sold into slavery
so she prays to Poseidon
who she boned once
and he’s like “Ugh, fine, you get one favor in exchange for riding my trident
boom:
you are now a shapeshifter”
so she turns into an old fisherman
and when the slaver shows up like “hey, have you seen any hot dames around here?”
she’s like “Uh nope. Just fish. I am a fisherman. Yes.”
and the slaver is like “oh well”
and Mestra is like SCORE

but she may have celebrated too soon
because when her dad finds out she can shapeshift
he’s like “SWEET
now I can sell you over and over again to different people
and you can shapeshift to escape
and I can use the money to buy BURGERS”
and Mestra is like “Well i guess you are the adult here”
so they do that for a while
until Erysichthon is like “You know, these burgers are great
you know what they would go great with?
MY OWN FLESH”
so he eats himself
and then his daughter is like “Fuck yeah no more slavery.”
Then she becomes Mystique and lives happily ever after.

The moral of the story
is don’t tell your dad you can shapeshift.

The end.

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Hoichi No-Ears Solos for Ghosts

Right so Halloween was yesterday or something
I don’t know
my memory of the last few days is sort of hazy
i think I might have gotten into a fistfight with Luigi on the train
and this morning while i was making breakfast i found a lot of blood
so i have to figure out what to do with that
but yeah anyway here’s a ghost story from Japan.

So there’s this temple called Amidaji
it was built for a very practical purpose
which is that about 700 years ago
there was this horrible battle right here
between the Heike clan and the Genji clan
and the Heike clan got totally wiped out
but they were really poor sports about it
so their ghosts all hung around sinking ships for 700 years
until finally someone was like fuck
we gotta built a temple or these ghosts will never shut up
so yeah now there’s a temple there.

Anyway the reason this temple is important
is because the best musician lives there
his name is Hoichi and he is the Ray Charles of ancient japan
as in he is blind and he can play the shit out of a biwa
which is a nutsack-shaped guitar that you play with a pick the size of your hand
it is a dope instrument
and Hoichi is so good at playing it
that even GOBLINS weep to hear him.
FUCKING GOBLINS.

nutsack guitar

Hoichi has worked out a sweet deal with the priest of the Amidaji temple:
basically Hoichi gets to crash for free indefinitely
and in exchange all he has to do is play music for the priest
whenever he’s got friends over or he’s high or whatever
so basically Hoichi has no incentive to ever move out or get a job
and life is good

UNTIL ONE NIGHT
the priest goes out clubbing
and leaves Hoichi alone at the temple
and Hoichi is hanging out on the porch strumming his guitar
trying to pick up chicks
when all of a sudden somebody starts yelling “HOCHI
YO, HOCHI”
and Hochi is like “uh yes sir?”
because he assumes that anybody with sack enough
to just charge up and start yelling his name at midnight
is probably a samurai or something
(in modern times
this is no longer a safe assumption to make)

So the Samurai is like “I represent a very wealthy
very SECRET lord
who would like very much to hear you play your biwa and sing about shit
come with me right now or I will murder you and no one will care”
and Hochi is like “Well shit, I guess I’m being kidnapped
but at least I’m being kidnapped to a party”
so he lets this mysterious asshole take his hand and drag him away.

Pretty soon they arrive at a huge mansion
which is weird
because Hoichi does not remember there being a huge mansion in this town
but what does he know, he’s blind
and it feels real enough.
Eventually he sits down in a room full of people
and they’re all like “Okay dude play for us”
and he’s like “What should I play?”
and they’re like “We heard that your specialty
is the war between the Heiki and the Genji
so how about that.”

This is baby stuff for Hoichi.
He busts out a melodically perfect epic like he’s taking a shit
everyone is devastated by the sheer beauty of this jam
they’re all fucking weeping, it’s disgusting
and then he finishes and they’re like “OH DAMN SON
WE KNEW YOU WAS GOOD
BUT FUCK GOOD
THAT WAS STRAIGHT UP EVIL
WE WOULD LIKE TO BOOK YOU FOR THE NEXT SIX NIGHTS”
and Hoichi is like “fuck yessssss a real gig”

so then the samurai grabs his hand and leads him back to the temple
but before he lets him go he’s like “Listen dude
that lord you played for
he’s on some Howard Hughes shit
doesn’t want anybody to know who he is
so if you tell anybody what’s going on
I will personally end you.”
and Hoichi is like “Yup no problem got it.”

So Hoichi goes and crashes out around sunrise
and the priest was out all night clubbing so he has no idea Hoichi was gone
but the NEXT night Hoichi sneaks out again
and the priest tries to hit him up for some music
but he’s NOT THERE
so when Hoichi stumbles back in in the morning the priest is waiting for him
like “where have you been?”
and Hoichi
who does NOT WANT TO JEOPARDIZE THIS GIG
is like “Uhh
weird … sex … stuff?”
but the priest isn’t buying it
he’s thinking “this is Japan
if Hoichi was into weird sex stuff
he could be doing it during the DAYTIME.
No there is only one possibility:
DEMONS.”

So the next night when Hoichi goes out
the priest sends some of his boys to follow him
and they lose him pretty quickly because they are chumps
but on their way back to the temple
they suddenly hear Hoichi soloing SUPER HARD
and where is the music coming from?
THE MUSIC IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CEMETERY.
So they run up to the cemetery
and Hoichi is playing his fucking hands off for a bunch of tombstones
and they’re like “this is crazy. Hoichi, stop shredding in the cemetery”
and Hoichi is like “NO
THIS IS THE DEFINING MOMENT OF MY CAREER”
so they grab him by the arms and haul him home because he is obviously crazy.

When he gets back to the temple the priest is like “ok dude what the fuck”
and Hoichi breaks down and tells the whole story
and the priest is like “oh ok I get it
yeah those are the ghosts of everybody who died in that battle you were singing about
I guess they really like to wallow
anyway it’s a good thing we saved you”
and Hoichi is like “Saved me?
Those ghosts just wanted to book me for a week.
Now that you know what’s up, they will instead want to murder me
how is this saving?”
and the priest is like “Dude they’re ghosts
you’ll thank me later
anyway you’re probably right about them wanting to kill you.
I’m gonna need you to take off all your clothes
so I can draw demon wards all over your body
and then the ghosts won’t be able to see you.”

Hoichi doesn’t really have a lot of options at this point
so he takes off his clothes and lets the priest draw a bunch of dicks on him
and then sits in a rigid meditation pose all night
waiting for this plan to fail.
Midnight rolls around and the samurai shows up again
he’s like “YO, HOICHI
I HOPE YOU ARE READY TO TEAR SHIT UP TONIGHT
WE GOT PHARELL, YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO A DUET, IT’S GONNA RULE”
but Hoichi doesn’t say shit
so the samurai comes inside and he’s like “Huh
that’s weird
I was hoping to find Hoichi in here
but all I see is a pair of floating ears.
I guess he must have disappeared from rocking too hard or something
but my boss will be pissed if I don’t bring back anything.
Better rip off these floating ears and bring them back
yes, that sounds sensible.”
So the samurai rips off Hoichi’s ears
but Hoichi just grits his teeth and bears it
while blood gushes out of both sides of his head
UNTIL SURNISE
when the priest comes in
almost slips on Hoichi’s blood
and then is like “Ohhhh shit
oh damn
wow
buddy
Forgot to draw demon wards on your ears, buddy
I told my intern to do that part but I guess he forgot
oh wow I’m so embarassed
but the good news is that the demons won’t bother you anymore!”
and Hoichi is like “Hooray
the best audience I have ever had or could ever hope to have
ripped my ears off and now thinks I’m dead.”
and the priest is like “You’re welcome!”

Obviously Hoichi isn’t too keen on living in the temple after that
which i guess was the push he needed to become a famous musician
so it looks like it all worked out in the end.

So the moral of the story
is that if someone passes out before you at a party
please, for their sake
be thorough.

The end.

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