I Guess It’s Not Surprising That HP Lovecraft Hates Colors

Yes yes I know
You are all itching for the next installment of Moby Dong
but right now I gotta take a quick break
and tell you a tale
from a mythos hand-selected by my patreon backers.
Don’t like it?
FUCKING SIGN UP FOR MY PATREON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Anyway yeah it’s Lovecraft time

I WASN’T ALWAYS A WEALTHY INTERNET CONTENT CREATOR, FRIENDS
many years ago I was a surveyor
I lived in Boston and I went around and surveyed shit
and this one time I had to go to this little village
near a town called Arkham
to plot out where to put a new reservoir
my job was very boring
this is one of the reasons I quit.

Another of the reasons I quit is that fuck Arkham
seriously, holy shit, never go to this place
bad shit happens there ALL THE TIME
like, example
this little village I had to go to
right over the hill from Arkham proper
was totally abandoned and spooky as fuck
it was abandoned, according to locals
because it was FUCKING CURSED
different people had tried to live there for a while
but it was too god damn spooky so they all left

Now, I figured this was bullshit
curses are bullshit
what am I,
a character in a short story written by a demented racist?
HAH
but it turns out this isn’t some ancient rumor about this place
turns out it got cursed in like
THE 80s
and in the center of this spooky god damn ghost town
is this huge chunk of gray-ass land with nothing on it
just dusty bullshit for like six acres
and a gross well
it’s super easy to survey, which is nice.

So obviously I have to check out these rumors
I don’t want my bosses building a reservoir on like
an ancient indian burial ground or something
nobody wants to drink ghosts
not even diluted ghosts
no ghosts are the kind of ghost I would want to drink
so I hit up basically the only dude crazy enough to still live here
this old dude named Ammi
like I said, he was the only dude still there
so I couldn’t pick someone with a less dumb name to talk to

Ammi’s like 80
so he was around for all the shit that happened 36 years ago
and according to him
it all started with
A METEOR
that landed on this dude Nahum Gardner’s farm
but this meteor didn’t wipe out all the dinosaurs
OR contain a baby superman
it just glowed faintly and shrank and was hot
so Nahum and his fam did what you normally do with shit like this:
they called some scientists
and the scientists did what they normally do in stories like this:
they were fucking useless
they bit off a chunk of this gooey rock
they bathed it in acid
they looked at it under a spectroscope
which showed them a color THEY HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE
and so were TOTALLY UNABLE TO DESCRIBE
like, did it not have a wavelength frequency?
How were these scientists content with “oh
we found a new color
nobody knows what it is”
WHERE IS THE FUCKING MATH ON THIS COLOR IS WHAT I’M SAYING

anyway
their sample shrinks and burns up their glassware and vanishes
so they have to go back to the farm to get more
and when they pry off a bigger chunk
they find this glass-type globe embedded in there
THE SAME INDESCRIBABLE COLOR AS THAT SPECTROGRAPH FROM BEFORE
so they do science to it
by which I mean some dude hits it with a hammer and it shatters
and they take no readings or analyze it in ANY WAY
and then they leave with their new rock chunk
and that night lightning strikes the meteor SIX TIMES
and then in the morning it’s gone
and the scientists continue to learn nothing
the end

OH WAIT NOT THE END
it looks like that meteor did something to the soil
because now Nahum Gardner’s trees are all fruiting
and the fruit is HUGE
which would be awesome if it didn’t all taste EVIL
INDESCRIBABLY EVIL

Oh and then it’s winter and his cabbages come in
and THEY’RE EVIL TOO
they’re HUGE and they are this INDESCRIBABLE color
(are you noticing a theme here?
I’m not sure this color is all that alien
I think everybody in this village is just terrible with words)

also all the little woodland creatures start mutating
their features and movements are all wrong
in a way no one can exactly put their finger on
and in the summer the farm swarms with insects
but these aren’t NORMAL insects
NO
they’re … different
… somehow

Some shit is pretty easy to describe though
like the fact that all the plants now GLOW IN THE DARK
or that the trees move even when there is NO WIND
(WHAT DO I KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT TREES)
And then the plants start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and then the animals start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and the whole time Ammi keeps visiting
and being like “Yo maybe you should move
or maybe like at least stop drinking from your well
you know
your well that is clearly evil?”
But then instead of moving away
Nahum’s wife goes crazy
so he locks her in the attic
and then one of his sons goes crazy
so he locks him in the attic too
then the well sets another one of his sons on fire
so he’s down to one son
but then I guess the well eats that one too
but it’s cool because Nahum thinks he’s still alive
because Nahum crazy too now

this is around when Ammi shows up
like “hey I brought some groceries and some OH FUCK”
and Nahum is like “Sup Ammi come chill with me by the fire”
and Ammi is like “Dude there is no fire your house is haunted
your house may actually just be a ghost at this point.
Gonna go upstairs because you probably forgot to feed your wife”
(oh yeah the first crazy son is also dead now)
so Ammi goes up to the wife’s room
and he opens the door and a vapor that is CLEARLY A GHOST comes out
but he’s too busy freaking out about the wife
who has decayed into grey dust
but is STILL MOVING.
Now, Ammi didn’t tell me this straight out
but I’m PRETTY SURE he beat Nahum’s wife to death
it was the right thing to do.

So by now Ammi’s freaking out obviously
he heads downstairs and Nahum is suddenly decayed as fuck too
and he’s like “AMMI IT WAS THE METEOR
THE METEOR POISONED THE WATER AND KILLED MY KIDS”
and Ammi is like “Yes, obviously
I have been telling you not to drink the water or live here
you are an idiot made of grey dust goodbye”
then he goes and gets the police
who insist on draining the evil well
and there’s dead bodies in there because what did you expect
or at least dead skeletons
and then all of a sudden the whole house starts glowing
and light starts shooting out of the well
IN A COLOR WHICH, EVEN NOW, NO ONE CAN IDENTIFY
YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD HAVE AT LEAST COME UP WITH A WORD FOR IT
OH WELL
anyway everybody runs away
and the trees all start raving pretty hard
and then the color goes to space
so this whole time
it was just a weird color that wanted to go to space
and murdered an entire family in the process
but some of it probably stayed in the well
which is why nothing grows in that big plot of land now
it’s all just grey dust
and a well
and the greyness might be growing like an inch a year too
who knows?

I sure as fuck don’t know
I don’t want to know anything more about this nightmare farm
as soon as Ammi was finished with his story
I went right back to Boston and quit my job
because fuck me if I’m working for a company
that wants to build a reservoir on top of SPACE GHOSTS.

The moral of the story I think
is that the middle of an unprecedented alien crisis
is the WORST time to abandon the scientific method.

The end.

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The Tempest, or Prospero Pisses on His Enemies

Happy new year chumps
I’m back
and I will celebrate my backness in the customary manner:
with Shakespeare
also I can’t believe I haven’t told you this one yet
it’s about the world’s most roundabout coup.

Okay so there’s this Tempest
just like in the title
it’s pretty on the nose, even for Shakespeare
and in this tempest there is a ship
and the ship is ON FIRE
NEAT

This ship is full of two kinds of people:
boat people
and ROYALTY
the royalty are running all over the ship
and the boat guys are like “get down below you assholes
you’re going to make us oh whoops there we go we crashed thanks a lot”

MEANWHILE, ON A SUSPICIOUSLY NEARBY ISLAND
this wizard named Prospero is lecturing his daughter Miranda about the past
they are the only two humans on this island so he does this a lot
and his daughter is SO fucking bored of it
that he keeps having to stop to ask her if she’s paying attention
and she keeps being like “uh huh yeah of course”
but as soon as he’s done she falls IMMEDIATELY ASLEEP.
Anyway, what he says is this:
Prospero used to be Duke of Milan
but he was a GARBAGE DUKE
he spent all of his time reading dumb books about magic
and delegated all of his duke responsibilities to his brother Antonio
and NOW HE IS MAD BECAUSE ANTONIO TOOK AWAY HIS DUKEDOM
to be fair he is also mad b/c Antonio exiled him to this island
or actually he just put him on a boat with no food
in the hopes that he would die
and the only reason he survived
was because some chill bro named Gonzalo gave him and Miranda water
and then they just happened to land
on this INCREDIBLY MAGICAL ISLAND

So Miranda falls asleep
after listening to this boring story about her dad’s incompetence
and Prospero is like “FINALLY
YO ARIEL
GET YOUR EPHEMERAL ASS IN HERE”
and Ariel
who is essentially a ghosty twink with superpowers
is like “Okay yeah what do you want”
and Prospero is like “Did you set that boat on fire like I asked?”
and Ariel is like “Oh yeah i fucked that boat UP”
and Prospero is like “Good because all my enemies were on that boat
Antonio, my shitty brother
Alonso, the asshole duke of Milan
Sebastian, the crab
uh I mean Sebastian, the asshole duke’s even shittier brother
plus Alonso’s sexy son Ferdinand
my best bro Gonzalo
and a whole bunch of innocent sailors and some clowns but who gives a shit.”
and Ariel is like “Yeah dude I know
I just got finished dumping their still-alive bodies all over the island
JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO
now can I stop being your magical slave already?”
and Prospero is like “Bitch what did you just ask me?
Do I need to remind you what I’ve done for you?
Ariel:
a witch
trapped you
inside a FUCKING TREE
and she was gonna release you in a couple years
but then she DIED
so if I hadn’t come along and freed you with my magic
you’d prolly be stuck handing out apples to some ungrateful kid like some fucking Shel Silverstein book
So get out there and start making everybody trip balls
or I will stuff you so far up a tree’s ass you’re going to surprise the shit out of some squirrels.”

Speaking of that witch
this is right when her son shows up
the son is named Caliban
and he is exactly as gross as you expect a witch’s kid to be
Prospero pretty much just beats him with his staff
and Caliban makes the very legitimate point that this is not okay
but Prospero is just like “It is TOO okay
because YOU
tried to sex my DAUGHTER”
and Caliban is like “Okay but she is literally the only female on this island
and maybe I crossed a line
but like I also showed you all the natural resources on this island
and now I am literally your slave
there is no moral justification for slavery, dude.”
But he goes off to get firewood anyway because he doesn’t want to die.

Is Prospero done yelling at people now?
NOT QUITE
because now it’s time for Prince Ferdinand to wake up
(on a beach, by himself, miraculously unharmed)
and immediately fall balls over boners for Miranda
who falls boobs over buttocks right back
because this is the first man she has seen
who was not either cursed or her dad.
So these two are tumbling towards each other, jibblies first
when Prospero steps between them like “WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KIDS EVEN KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER
SLOW IT DOWN, SOGGYTROUSERS”
Man, where was Prospero during the entirety of Romeo and Juliet?
Probably exiled tbh.
Luckily, Prospero has a plan:
Ferdinand will PROVE his intentions toward Miranda
by carrying bundles of firewood.
Prospero apparently needs a lot of firewood for something.

Meanwhile most of the rest of the dudes from the ship wake up together
them being Antonio, Alonso, Sebastian and Gonzalo
(and a bunch of less important people who don’t talk)
but then Alonso and Gonzalo IMMEDIATELY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN
because of Ariel
just long enough for Antonio and Sebastian to plot to kill Alonso
so that Sebastian can be Duke of Naples
but then Ariel WAKES EVERYONE UP BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT
so this interlude is just to show how shitty Antonio is.
Then they go off looking for Ferdinand
even though everybody’s pretty sure he’s dead.

Meanwhile Caliban is passed out in the woods
grabbing a much-needed respite from his slavery
WHEN TWO ROGUE CLOWNS APPEAR.
One of them is named Trinculo and he is a jackass
and the other one is named Stefano and he is a jackass WITH BOOZE
so naturally Caliban pledges fealty to Stefano
and the three of them drink the ship’s entire wine supply
and they get so shithouse plastered
that they all think it’s a fantastic ideawhen Caliban is like “Hey
let’s go kill my master
an ACTUAL WIZARD
and become kings of the island ourselves.”
Unfortunately for them, Ariel is busy being invisible nearby
and he hears their whole cunning plan.
Now you would think Ariel would be sympathetic to Caliban
since Ariel is also enslaved to Prospero
but Ariel is an immortal creature made entirely out of magic
time is meaningless to Ariel
and doing a miracle is like taking a shit for him
Prospero doesn’t even have the brainpower to concieve of something that would mildly inconvenience Ariel
He’s pretty much just doing this shit because he thinks it’s funny.

MEANWHILE MEANWHILE
it turns out forbidding two young people to bone
makes them REALLY WANT TO BONE
as Ferdinand and Miranda can AMPLY ATTEST
and guess what guys
this was Prospero’s WHOLE PLAN ALL ALONG
Finally somebody is using teenage buttlust for good
or at least for his own Machiavellian purposes
because after THREE HOURS
(YES, EXACTLY THREE HOURS)
Prospero FINALLY gives in and agrees to marry them
he’s like “Okay I guess my daughter can become the heiress to Naples
BUT FIRST
LET ME DO SOME MAGIC TRICKS TO SOLEMNIZE YOUR MARRIAGE”
and Ferdinand is like “No it’s cool we really just want to fuck”
and Prospero is like “DON’T BE MODEST I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE ME DO MAGIC TRICKS”
and Miranda is like “No it’s cool I can just grab his weiner right now”
and Prospero is like “I KNOW WHAT YOUNG COUPLES REALLY WANT:
MAGIC TRICKS”
so then he summons ghostly images of Venus and Iris and Hera
to do a play about how marriage is great
and the two kids are like “yayyyyyyy great can we bone now?”
and Prospero is like “Yes.
OH SHIT
I FORGOT CALIBAN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME”

It’s not a big deal though
everybody Prospero doesn’t like is just getting buttfucked through the marshes right now
because they fell for some rookie-dm-level traps
like a fat banquet in the middle of nowhere
or a clothesline covered in rich garments
also in the middle of nowhere
and it gets so bad
what with the brambles and the mud and the wolves
that Ariel is finally like “Yo Prospero
I know you hate these dudes
but this is really starting to bum me out
and I don’t even have a SOUL”
and Prospero is like “Yeah okay fine, let them out.”

So Gonzalo and Antonio and Sebastian and Alonso show up at Prospero’s crib
and Prospero is like “SURPRISE BITCHES
THIS IS MY REVENGE”
and they’re like “Uh, who are you?”
and he’s like “Oh sorry let me put on my old hat”
and they’re like “OH SNAP IT’S PROSPERO
WE’RE SO SORRY WE EXILED YOU”
and Prospero is like “Yeah fuck all you guys
except Gonzalo, you’re cool
but actually I got to be wizard-king of an incredibly magic island
which is really a lot better
considering i didn’t give a shit about being a duke anyway
but for some reason I still REALLY WANT TO BE DUKE OF MILAN”
and Antonio is like “Fine asshole have your dukedom back.”
and Alonso is like “Yeah I don’t care, I just lost my son”
and Prospero is like “Yeah I feel you dog I just lost my daughter
by which I mean my daughter just got MARRIED
TO YOUR SON
HAHAHAHAHA PRANKED I MARRIED OFF YOUR SON WHILE YOU WEREN’T LOOKING
NOW MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL RULE BOTH MILAN AND NAPLES
THIS IS TRULY
THE ULTIMATE PRANK”
and he pulls aside a curtain and there’s Ferdinand and Miranda
playing … chess
yeah, sure.
Also Trinculo and Stefano and Caliban show up at one point
shit themselves with drunken fright
and go back to being slaves to their various masters
BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

Anyway Alonso is so relieved
he doesn’t even care that Prospero is dicking him out of his legacy
and then Prospero breaks his magic staff
and throws his magic book in the ocean
LIKE AN IDIOT
and he lays off Ariel
who conspicuously fails to steal his soul or anything
and then Prospero turns to the audience and he’s like “Hey guys
if you don’t clap your asses off for the show you just saw
I will be trapped in this play forever
please help.”

So the moral of the story, dear audience
is if you don’t share this post with everyone you know
I will be trapped in this internet
FOREVER

the end.

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