A B Stormalong drinks concentrated AMERICA JUICE

Thanks to Tucker for recommending this myth
SEE GUYS
recommend myths and you will get THANKED
all awash with gratitude
like a full-on bukakke party of gratefulness
i am sure you will enjoy it
i know tucker is enjoying it
by the way tucker is also the musclebound hero
who wrote one of those myths that got put up
while i was off in the desert
anyway!

A B STORMALONG
holy shit guys
no one knows who stormalong’s parents are
cause the first anyone hears of him
is when he washes ashore in New England
already TWELVE FEET TALL
AND LIKE FIVE YEARS OLD OR SOMETHING
THAT IS MORE THAN A FOOT A YEAR
ALSO
IF YOU TAKE HIS FIRST TWO INITIALS
AND PUT THEM TOGETHER
YOU GET AB
WHICH IS A MUSCLE
TELL ME THAT ISN’T MANLY

anyway by the time he is twelve
“sexy abs” stormalong is well over 30 feet tall
too large for new england
so he walks to boston
and he is like hey
hey
who wants me on their ship
my freakish gigantism will be a tremendous asset
and this ship is like us
we want you on our ship
come be our lookout because you are so tall

so he looks the fuck out for this ship
he is really good at it
one day he sees a pirate ship coming
and he is like SHIT GUYS
PIRATE SHIT ALL THE FUCK UP OVER THE STARBOARD BOW
RUN
I MEAN SAIL
so they try to outsail the pirate ship
but the pirate ship is WAY TOO FAST
so then stormalong is like WAIT
i’ve got an idea
how about we take all this molasses he have for some reason
and spread it all over the deck
so when the pirates climb aboard
they get stuck
and that is exactly what they do
and it works exactly like that
and they capture all the pirates in like
a minute
and then they make stormalong first mate
for wasting all their molasses

so now stormalong is the first mate
and that is pretty sweet for him
even though now the ship is down one awesome lookout
he gets shiploads of oysters and stuff
ferried directly from the ocean
into his mouth
except then one day
HERE COMES THE KRAKEN
you guys have all seen pirates of the Caribbean right
i dont need to explain what the kraken is do i
no of course not

so everyone on the ship is like FUCK WHAT DO WE DO
and first mate stormalong is like NO WORRIES
I GOT THIS
and jumps headfirst into the water
actually more like headFIST
because he immediately punches the kraken in the face
and then executes a ten-point WATER TACKLE
taking that shit underwater
he then proceeds to wrestle the kraken
for like four hours
and when he finally surfaces
and everyone is like hey hey what happened
he just frowns real big
and says
“I failed”
because he didn’t actually murder the kraken
it just ran away
OH BOO HOO
YOU SAVED THE SHIP
BUT YOU DIDN’T KILL ANYTHING IN THE PROCESS
WHY DONT YOU GO SIT IN YOUR QUARTERS FOR A WHILE
AND REFUSE ALL FOOD
AND MOPE

so that is exactly what stormalong does
he just sits in his quarters
refusing oysters
and barrels of coffee
and eventually he’s just like you know what guys
i think i’m just not cut out to be a sailor
I’m gonna go be a farmer

so he goes to michigan
and he farms some shit
and it’s great
until it snows
he hates snow so much

so then he moves to texas
where it fucking never snows
and he becomes a rancher
but then a tornado shows up
maybe the exact same one pecos bill was riding
because this is a pretty ornery fucking tornado
it destroys absolutely everything
and then stormalong finds another rancher
and is like WHAT DO WE DO
and the rancher is like WE JUST HOLD ON
AND CRY A LITTLE
so stormalong grabs a house
but then the house gets blown away
and so does stormalong
so what he does
is he sits on the house
and uses his TWENTY FOOT BANDANA as a sail
and drives his airboat
all the way to the gulf of mexico
and while he’s sitting there in the water
bobbing up and down on what used to be his house
he goes huh
i’m kind of really good at sailing
maybe i should go back to being a sailor

so he goes back to being a sailor
only this time
HE’S the captain
he gets a boat
that is so big
his crew needs a whole swarm of arabian horses
just to get from one end to the other
by the way i have NO IDEA how he affords all this shit
being large is like the most insane financial liability ever
but he does somehow
and this ship is really fucking huge
i did not finish telling you
how huge it is
for example it is SO HUGE
they have to stitch the sails together in the desert
cause there is no other flat space large enough
and it is SO HUGE
that the mast has to be hinged
just to avoid hitting the MOON
and it is SOOOOO HUUUUUGE
that one time
it gets stuck in the english channel
and they grease the hull with soap
and they use so much soap
that it makes the cliffs of dover shiny white forever

so anyway they are sailing this megaboat around
and one day
GUESS WHO SHOWS UP GUYS
THE KRAKEN
THE KRAKEN SHOWS UP
and everyone is like oh shit
are we going to have to watch A B Stormalong
start crying again
are we going to be the audience
for yet another gargantuan sissyfest
but NO
NO

Captain Stormalong grabs a big piece of rope
and using the techniques taught to him
by secret wizards in texas
he LASSOS THE FUCKING KRAKEN
and the Kraken is like NOOOOOOO
and starts swimming away
and Stormalong is like HELL YESS
and holds on
basically turning his boat
into the ultimate jetski
and the kraken
instead of ramming stormalong into the shore or something
just swims straight into a whirlpool
and Stormalong keeps holding on
and his crew is like HEY
HEY MAN
WE DON’T WANT TO DIE
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE BUTTHURT ABOUT THIS GIANT SQUID BEAST
and stormalong is like FINE
and he lets go off the rope
and his ship goes flying out of the whirlpool somehow
and the kraken gets sucked in anyway
and dies

so obviously stormalong is SUPER STOKED about this
and he sails all the fuck over everywhere
spreading the good news and having adventures
and then one day
he’s around america somewhere
and he sees a ship with STEAM COMING OUT OF IT
and he is like FUCK
THAT SHIP IS ON FIRE
and he fills his hat with water
and POURS IT ON TOP OF ALL OF THE STEAM TO STOP THE FIRE
but guys
it is not a fire
well i mean it is
but it is a fire which is powering A STEAMBOAT
and the steamboat captain is like god dammit stormalong
look what you did to my newfangled steam machine
fuck you and the obsolete horse-covered boat you rode in on

and stormalong is like NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY HORSEBOAT THAT WAY
and the other captain is like HOW ABOUT A RACE ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
and stormalong is like YOU’RE ON

so they do the race
and stormalong wins
by like half a boatlength
but seeing as his boat is like
a billion miles long
that is still pretty good
although actually
now that i think about it
he would have had to start out
pretty far ahead of the other guy
just because his boat is so long
so he might have just ended up tying the other guy
but anyway the important thing is
that the INTENSE FURY
WITH WHICH HE MANNED THE WHEEL
DURING THE RACE
caused stormalong to die after the race was over
just like how john henry died in that other story

so just to recap
A B Stormalong was born 12 feet tall in the ocean
he won at being a lookout
he won at killing krakens
then he won at boat racing
and then he died
so moral of the story?
be careful my friends
it is possible to die from too much winning

THE END

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4 thoughts on “A B Stormalong drinks concentrated AMERICA JUICE

  1. "it is possible to die from too much winning"
    Then it might be an idea to tone down the absurd levels of awesome in these posts, I fear for your safety

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