Another Way We Might All Die

Decided to take a break from the Silmarillion
cause I’m a little bored of it honestly and I have a feeling you are too
I’ll come back to it eventually
MEANWHILE
recently a friend of mine introduced me to a troubling myth
made more troubling by the fact that even today
there are quite a few people who believe it’s true
in some parts of the country, it is even taught in schools
yes friends
I am of course referring
to “Global Warming”

So in the beginning Prometheus brought fire to man
and it was good
(except for prometheus)
but then man made an important discovery
the discovery was this:
you don’t have to just burn little pieces of wood
you can burn like
ANYTHING
don’t matter if it’s old tires or plastic or witches
you make a big enough fire and you can ruin ANY OBJECT with it
so obviously people get busy ruining as many things as they can
they burn down forests
so they will have more space to put fires
they burn all these dried out leaves and inhale them
so that they can see cooler shit while they stare at their fires
they even build big huge houses in the middle of their cities
so they can set coal on fire all day long
this is called the industrial revolution
and the industrial revolution is where shit finally starts to get out of hand
because what people realize in the industrial revolution
is that the more and bigger fires they can produce
the more small green pieces of paper they will be able to collect from other people
shockingly, they do not want these green pieces of paper so that they can set them on fire
these pieces of paper are called “money”
and they are one of the few things that people are strangely unwilling to set on fire
instead they do what is called “spending”
which is similar to burning, but marginally less likely to cause explosions
anyway we’re getting off topic

so all these fires have an unintended effect
this unintended effect is called “smoke”
and you would think that people would have given this more thought
seeing as they themselves had been inhaling smoke
in order to become more unproductive/dangerous
FOR CENTURIES AT THIS POINT
and that is basically what happens to the entire planet
when all this smoke starts flying everywhere
like, the earth pretty much just gets high as balls
and when you get high as balls (as I assume you do if you frequent this website)
you get the munchies
and what does the world eat, besides hopes and dreams?
HEAT

so earth is flying through space, just munching on all the heat it can get
and meanwhile people are down on earth inventing new kinds of smoke to put in the air
they make these things called chlorofluorocarbons
which are great for spray-on deoderant and refrigerators and the apocalypse
and also nitrous oxide
which is actually also another thing you can inhale if you want to see some shit
and they even start building huge fences around ridiculously large plots of land
(which they have because they set fire to all the things that used to be there)
and they fill this land with lots and lots of big meaty fart machines called “cows”
and this whole time earth is just up there like nooo man i’m too highhhhhhhhh cut it out i’ve got the spins

here is what happens when earth gets the spins
first we get hurricaines
just all over the place all the time
and lightning and tornadoes and maybe even some more fires if we’re lucky
and then earth’s cool hat (also known as antarctica) is gonna melt right off
which is way overdue, I think
because what good is all that ice up there if I can’t put it in my vodka collins
except actually I guess all that ice was up there for a really good reason
it was up there because that is where god put the biblical flood after he was done using it
so New York is gonna drown
and everyone is going to have to find somewhere else to be busy and poor

oh and you know food?
no more of that
all the people who make the food are gonna get too sweaty and quit
or maybe die of starvation because it’s too hot to actually grow food
and that’s bad because we need food for stuff
soon after that, satan will appear riding a lava cyclone
but no one will care because we will all be busy
being dead and getting eaten by cockroaches

so the moral of the story
is that there is no end to the ridiculous shit that people will believe
unless it happens to be true
in which case good luck convincing anybody

THE END

Share

8 thoughts on “Another Way We Might All Die

  1. Or you could keep posting text because I’m too lazy to ever watch videos.

    This was… wow. Ridiculous and awesome. I think you should rewrite every subject.

    • >> I think you should rewrite every subject.

      This. Except this plus alcohol if they’re all going to be this terrifying.

  2. By the way, I”m very sorry I took such a long time, but I found a good online source about, among other Amerindian sacred stories from diverse places, Windigos/Wendigos: http://www.shannonthunderbird.com/stories%20N-Z.htm

    It’s basically a teaching about greed (the idea of greed endlessly feeding on greed, as many of the Windigo’s victims are greedy people), but of course there are a lot of cultural and regional variants seeing as it’s a story shared by many Algonquian peoples. The protocol/basic decency with Aboriginal peoples is to ask the storyteller for permission to retell the myth, so if you’re interested I suggest you contact Elder Shannon Thunderbird to ask if she’s okay with you using her interview for your website (also, all the content of the website is copyrighted). I see you’ve done your work on the cultural appropriation debate and you’re knowledgeable on Aboriginal American and Canadian myths, but I’m seriously not sure whether you might not come across as making fun of these stories as opposed to promoting knowledge of them. Even the word “myth” is kind of loaded, I personally use the term “cosmologies.” (For the record, I was first shocked when I saw you had retold the Plains Cree story of the Rolling Head, which is an atayohkewin, meaning an extremely sacred origin story pertaining to the Trickster/Transformer/Elder Brother Weesageechak. Then I read it and I found it hilarious, and you poke fun at myths of the whole world equally anyway. By the way, it’s a multilayered story about, among other things, the earth and menstruation! Not just about violence against women.)

  3. I suggest you contact Plains Cree scholar Neal McLeod if you have questions about the Wendigo/Windigo/Wihtikow and the Transformer, he’s very knowledgeable and also very easygoing.

  4. Having a decent amount of NA blood and no connection to a tribe ( and no, I’m not one of those white people who are like 1/64th Cherokee, grandma was a full blood) I’d really like to hear some of those stories.

Leave a Reply to Scooch McGooch Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *