Aule and Yavanna Have a Passive Agressive Relationship

YES
WELCOME TO WEDNESDAY
WHERE TOLKIEN IS GOD AND SHIT DON’T MAKE SENSE
TODAY I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GOLDFUCKING MONSTROSITIES
THE DWARVES!!!
oh jesus that’s where the capslock key is thank god
i mean thank Tolkien?

okay so Aule right
he’s the rock god responsible for mountains and gold and chainsaws
basically all of the sweetest things are a direct consequence of this dude
and he’s sitting inside a mountain like FUCK
I have all of these completely legit skills I have totally mastered
and NO ONE TO TEACH THEM TOO
and the children of Iluvatar
meaning: the humans and the elves
aren’t supposed to get here for like EVER
SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

BUT WAIT
I’m really good at making stuff, right?
why don’t I just make some dudes
oh man this is gonna be so awesome
so he sits down and his forge
and he INVENTS DWARVES
but see
his memory is a little hazy on what people are supposed to look like
so he ends up abandoning most of the positive traits of the other two species
and replacing them all with BEARDS
and they’re all so weird-looking and sturdy and shit
that he figures he should probably give them a gold fetish
so they won’t be so bummed about how they have to have sex with each other
but so he’s putting the finishing touches on these things
when Iluvatar shows up like AULE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE
and Aule is like UH DEFINITELY NOT CREATING A SENTIENT SPECIES
and Iluvatar is like dude that looks like exactly what you are doing
and Aule is like fuck dude i’m sorry i got bored
look I’ll smash them all right now with a huge hammer
and all the dwarves are like DUDE NO NOT COOL
and Iluvatar is like look what you did
you gave them feelings and shit
we can’t kill them now, that would be totally lame
… alright
i guess you can keep them
but they have to go in cryo-freeze until the other races show up
because i have spent countless milennia planning this whole thing
and you are NOT going to fuck it up with your army of gifted midgets
and Aule is like okay I GUESS

so all the dwarves go to sleep
(and when I say all I mean seven)
and Aule’s wife Yavanna comes over like hey
heard you were making some dwarves
why didn’t you tell me?
I’m your wife
communication is key to a healthy relationship
plus now
since you kept them a secret the whole time you were making them
I didn’t get any input on them at all
which means they’re not going to be down with nature like AT ALL
I can already tell that they are gonna straight mutilate all my beautiful trees
and then set them on fire and laugh about it
and Aule is like well yeah
I mean
so are the humans
dudes need firewood, woman
it’s nice that you made so much of it
but uh
try not to get attached
and Yavanna is like THAT’S BULLSHIT
but it’s ok
cause i just had a great idea
which is that I’m going to make some trees that have FEELINGS
and not just feelings
but feelings and WEAPONS
and those trees are going to be able to stand up and kick ass at will
and Aule is like whoa that sounds SWEET
and Iluvatar
who has been dropping mad eaves because that’s what he do
is like AULE IS RIGHT
THAT SOUNDS
THE SWEETEST
WE ARE SO TOTALLY MAKING THOSE
so they invent ents
by just stuffing a bunch of souls in some trees
and then Yavanna goes to Aule’s forge
and she’s like ha HA
the trees have souls now
they’re totally gonna romp anyone who tries to chop them down
and Aule’s like yeah that’s great honey
people are still gonna need firewood though
so uh
good luck with that
and then he just goes right back to inventing chainsaws

so the moral of the story
is if you find yourself having to remake the fabric of the world itself
just to keep your spouse from destroying everything you believe in
well
that’s why Iluvatar invented divorce

THE END.(?)

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6 thoughts on “Aule and Yavanna Have a Passive Agressive Relationship

  1. I think the beauty of Tolkien’s Legendarium is that it isn’t any less insane than your average mythos, but it is a whole lot more internally consistent.

      • He wasn’t, and the Dwarves weren’t based on Jewish people — their use of their language, however, is. (He actually wrote a pretty awesome letter to a German publishing house, who had asked him if he had any Jewish blood in him; he responded with “But if I am to understand that you are enquiring whether I am of Jewish origin, I can only reply that I regret that I appear to have no ancestors of that gifted people.”

  2. Pfft, great stuff as always XD

    Maybe could you do another Norse Myth, maybe the one where Thor was trapped under a stone foot and couldn’t get it off him, but then Magni came along and lifted it off him? Love to see that in your narrative style!

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