ARE WE DONE YET, TOLKIEN?
HAVE YOU SAID ALL THE FANCY NAMES YOU WANT TO SAY?
CAN WE GET TO THE PART WHERE SHIT DOESN’T BLOW?
So Tuor and Idril sail off in a boat and escape the story
ditching their two kids in the process
and one of their kids
isn’t too jazzed about that
so he builds ANOTHER boat
and HE sails off to look for his parents
/find Valinor and ask the Valar what’s up
/have orgies in their party castle forever
ditching his wife Elwin in the process
along with the Silmaril she’s guarding.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY
DO THEY LOVE BOATS SO MUCH THAT THEY FORGET THEY HAVE RELATIVES?
So while Earendil is gone
the sons of Feanor hear about Elwin and her Silmaril
so they send a strongly worded letter to her
like “Hey, that shiny piece of garbage is actually ours
give it back or else
the source of basically every single problem in this story”
and Elwin and all her friends are like “Hmm
we could just give them back the Silmaril
but it’s REALLY shiny
so let’s just keep it.”
and the sons of Feanor are like “Ok, awesome
we’re getting really good at killing our own kind anyway.”
So they slaughter most of the people in Elwin’s city
except for Elwin’s kids
and also Elwin, who throws herself into the sea
and then Ulmo is like “Okay, this is fucking dumb.”
so he rips a page out of Zeus’s book
and turns her into a bird
with the Silmaril embedded in her chest
so Maedhros and Maglin
(the two surviving sons of Feanor)
see her flying away
while they murder the last of her friends
and are just like “AWW, CRICKET-DICK”
So Elwin meets up with Earendil
who is actually on his way back to see her anyway
and she tells him what’s up
so they decide to fuck off to Valinor together
and fuck everything else.
No one has successfully made it to Valinor so far
but Earendil has a secret weapon:
So he straps that shit to his face
and uses it as a magic head lamp to get him to Valinor
and then when they get to the shore
he gathers up Elwin and the crew like “Sheesh, guys
thanks so much for helping me sail here
but this magical island of orgies and fun
is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS
and it would be shitty of me to subject you to that sexy danger.
What am I, Odysseus?
Nah, you guys stay here
(be back never)
but Elwin is like “Aw hell no
you’re not keeping me out of party kingdom
I’m coming with you
fuck your danger.”
who was looking forward to sleeping around at least a little bit
is like “Ugh, fine
you have to let me go talk to the Valar alone though
because you are being so fucking suffocating right now”
So Earendil shows up at Manwe’s house like “Yo
I brought you a Silmaril
get off your radiant ass and kill Morgoth already”
and Manwe is like “Oh shit, okay.”
So he gives Earendil a rad flying boat
and glues the Silmaril to it
and Earendil flies it over Middle earth
so the children of Feanor can see it and be like “Whoa
that looks like a Silmaril
I wonder if we can like …
jump real high and steal it.”
and then Manwe sends all the armies of Valinor back to Middle earth
to show up and ruin Morgoth’s shit.
Morgoth is not expecting this
he’s pretty sure the Valar have forgotten about the world altogether
and retreated to a life of opium smoking and sex magic
so when this huge radiant army shows up
ready to romp and stomp him in about fourteen new ways
he loses his shit
and just throws his whole army at them.
His whole army is made of dragons, so this is a problem for everybody.
NOT A PROBLEM FOR EARENDIL THOUGH
He just crashes his boat straight into a dragon’s face
while surrounded by an army of screaming birds
lead by Thorondor, KING OF EAGLES
and demolishes that giant fire lizard.
If you do not yet understand
why birds terrify me so god damn much
this episode is all you need:
A FUCKING DRAGON
just got reamed by a flying boat and a bunch of feathered wastrels.
the book is not super detailed on this point
but i am p. sure they eat their way in through the dragon’s eyes
and then just go crazy on his organs.
So eventually they chase Morgoth down
and fail to kill him for some reason
but they do tie him up in a super embarassing way
by turning his crown into a collar
and then they throw him out of the universe
lock the door behind him
and guard it forever.
So the end, right?
Morgoth is dead, everything is awesome.
but Feanor’s kids aren’t done being assholes yet.
See, Morgoth still had two Silmarils
and the invading force from Valinor took them
so Maedhros and Maeglin send ANOTHER strongly worded letter
but the Valar are just like “Um guys
you have done literally nothing but murder your own guys
You’ve straight up murdered more guys than Morgoth
in the WIDE WORLD OF FUCK
makes you think you deserve a prize for your behavior?”
and Maedhros is like “FUCK YOU, TAKIN’ EM ANYWAY”
and the Valar are like “Noooooo”
but then it turns out Maedhros and Maeglin can’t even hold the Silmarils
because the Silmarils don’t like being held by jerks
so the jewels burn their hands like magic hot potatoes
until they both freak out and throw them away
and one ends up at the bottom of the ocean
and the other one ends up AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
so now nobody’s happy.
Nice job, Feanor’s kids.
Way to squeeze in one last fuck you before the end of this story.
that’s the end of the Silmarillion
Morgoth/Melkor is out of the picture
and everything is going to be great forever
… OR IS IT?
the moral of the story
is that your cease and desist letters become a lot more effective
when you can back them up with murder.
TO BE CONTINUED.