Watergate is Absolutely Nothing Like Gamergate

My Patreon backers have spoken
and apparently I’m supposed to retell a conspiracy theory today
but I already covered Roswell and the moon landing in my book
the JFK assassination is pretty boring
(once you get past the assassination part)
and I promised the Illuminati I wouldn’t blow their cover
so instead I’m going to tell you about a conspiracy theory
that describes an ACTUAL REAL LIFE CONSPIRACY:
Watergate.

If there is a more mythological conspiracy than Watergate
then I haven’t heard of it
which probably makes it a pretty good conspiracy but whatever.
Name me one other political scandal that is SO SCANDALOUS
that we’ve turned it into a nonsensical suffix
and slapped that suffix onto every event that seems even remotely shitty.
We’ve got shit like nipplegate, porngate, wienergate
donutgate, fajitagate, sodagate
bloodgate, robogate, grannygate
for fuck’s sake, we’ve had a GATEGATE

WE’VE REACHED PEAK GATE
FRIENDS, THE WORD ‘GATE’ DOES NOT MEAN ‘SCANDAL’ IN ENGLISH
Watergate was the name of a HOTEL in DC
and it is with that hotel that our story begins.

See, back in 1972, Richard Nixon is trying to be president again
because it went so well for the first four years
but he doesn’t want to leave his election up to chance
or, you know, democracy
so a couple of his aides hire five criminals
to break into the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee
(which is, you guessed it, in the Watergate Hotel)
and plant some microphones in there
the theory apparently being
that every politician has to say horrible shit sometimes
and it’s best to get it on tape when they do.

So these criminals plant the bug and get away
but then they have to go back to repair it pretty much immediately
because I guess it was made out of hot glue and garbage
and they get caught trying to do this
because the way these top secret presidentially-funded burglars are getting in
is by DUCT-TAPING THE DOORS OPEN.
We’re talking about dudes who have covertly received THOUSANDS of dollars
from Nixon’s re-election campaign
and the most fearsome weapon in their criminal arsenal
is fucking DUCT TAPE
SHITTILY APPLIED?

So Nixon hears that these bozos got arrested
and he’s like “What the fuck
who told those assholes they should do that?”
so either he told them to do it and then forgot
or he’s shitty at controlling his own people
so, mega boner either way.
He realizes pretty quick that this will look bad if it gets out
so he tells two of his top aides, Haldeman and Ehrlichman
and also his head lawyer, Dean
to do whatever they need to do to make this go away
which basically amounts to
“fuck up a whole bunch.”

Like, they try to have the CIA make the FBI stop investigating
but that doesn’t really work
and they do succeed in burning a safe full of evidence
but that doesn’t stop the FBI from following the money
and figuring out that every single one of those burglars
was paid in some way by Nixon’s re-election committee
which Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean are all involved with
plus the media just goes totally nuts
largely due to a bunch of leaks by someone calling himself Deep-Throat
(Come on, he cannot be ignorant of what that name mean)
and the investigation ends up convicting 69 people
(only 68 were actually guilty, the last one was for the lols)
So Nixon figures he has to initiate a DOUBLE-CONSPIRACY
by firing Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean
before anyone can connect him to them
and hopefully blame all this shit on those guys
so he calls Dean into his office and he’s like “Hey buddy
gonna have to ask you to resign
sure is a shame about all those CRIMES you COMMITTED, huh?
and how you committed them TOTALLY ON YOUR OWN?”
and Dean is like “Mister President
why are you putting undue emphasis on some of your words like that?
are you … recording me?”
and Nixon is like “What? No! I’m no scumbag!
But just for old time’s sake, how about admitting to a bunch of crimes.
I mean, I know about them, but it’s nice to reminisce, right?”

So Dean goes to the committee that’s investigating this whole Watergate thing
and he’s like “Um, I think the president has tape recorders in his office?”
and everybody’s like “Oh shit
I bet there’s CRIMES on those tapes.
Nixon, have you been bugging your office?”
and Nixon is like “…yea”

OK HOLD ON
This whole fucking fiasco is happening
because Nixon wanted to put BUGS IN POLITICIAN’S OFFICES
because he was sure that they would say some HORRIBLE SHIT
and you’re telling me
that this whole time
Nitwit von Boogerheim was bugging his OWN FUCKING OFFICE?
Dude

Nixon’s brilliant plan is to just be like “No you can’t hear the tapes
I’m the president. it me.”
But they still make him release transcripts
which don’t reveal any crimes
but do reveal that he’s generally a shitty dude
who thinks the American people are a bunch of chumps
so that doesn’t do him any favors
and then the Supreme Court is like “Yeah dude
you kind of have to show those tapes”
and Nixon’s like “WOOARRRRGH
FINE
HERE’S YOUR STUPID TAPES.
HAVE FUN IMPEACHING ME, JERKS.”

and they do
they impeach him so hard they do it THREE TIMES
and Nixon is finally like “Okay okay
you got me
I still don’t think I did anything wrong
BIG WINK
but I love America so much that I don’t want it to see me like this
so I’m resigning gracefully
after a long and bitter war of lies and corruption
peace out, chumps.”
Then Gerald Ford becomes president
and immediately pardons Nixon for every crime ever
because I guess you tend to feel pretty sympathetic
for the dude who just made you president.

The moral of this story
is one we can all stand to learn:
if you’re wretched enough to hatch criminal conspiracies while president
you should at least be smart enough not to preserve RECORDED EVIDENCE of it

The end.

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Hyppolitus, A Play About Sex Problems

Holy cow it’s been a long time since I did a greek myth
so
speaking of holy cows
here’s a story about the daughter of pasiphae
(Pasiphae fucked a holy cow)
this daughter’s name is Phaedra
and the play about her is appropriately titled:

HIPPOLYTUS BY EURIPIDES
(adapted for internet by Fake Ovid Naso)

All of the horrible shit that’s about to happen is happening in Athens, Greece, which is the city that Theseus is the king of. Theseus is on his third wife at this point, because he abandoned the first one (Ariadne) on an island and the second one (Hyppolita) killed herself at his wedding to his third wife (Phaedra). This play is not named after any of those people. It’s named after Theseus’s son from his second marriage: Hyppolitus. Aphrodite is here right now and she does not like Hyppolitus at all.

APHRODITE: Oh my god fuck Hyppolitus. Seriously, somebody please fuck Hyppolitus. That little sanctimonius piss merchant has made a pledge to Artemis that he won’t fuck no ladies no-how, and no matter how much poon I shovel his way, he sticks to his limp-ass guns. Well fine. If he’s not gonna get fucked the fun way, I’m gonna fuck him in the un-fun way. BOOM! Phaedra’s in love with him now. Have fun dealing with unstoppable stepmom lust, cricket-dick.

Aphrodite exits directly into the towering orgy that is her life. Then there’s a scene where Hyppolitus shows up at Athens and fails to pay respects to Aphrodite but we already know he’s a swaggerless eunuch so let’s skip to the good shit: here comes Phaedra and her horny nurse

NURSE: Ok seriously you need to eat something.

PHAEDRA: Nah I’m good.

NURSE: You have not eaten anything in like six days. I get that thin is in or whatever but you are going to fucking die and there is only a small subset of people in the kingdom who are into that shit.

PHAEDRA: Dying seems pretty cool.

NURSE: Clearly something is up right now and you need to tell me what it is

PHAEDRA: Promise you won’t freak out?

NURSE: I promise

PHAEDRA: I wanna sex up Hyppolitus

NURSE: OH WHAT THE FUCK

PHAEDRA: You just said you wouldn’t freak out!

NURSE: Yeah well you just said you wanna slap laps with your step-son so I guess it’s a pretty crazy night all around huh?

PHAEDRA: So you understand then. The only logical solution here is for me to kill myself. Every other solution involves having sex with my step-son.

NURSE: Okay calm down. Let’s think about this like rational people.

PHAEDRA: But we’re characters in a greek tragedy

NURSE: Oh yeah, shit. Tell you what: I can make a potion that will make you stop loving Hyppolitus, but first I need to get him to give you a token of his affection, so I’ll go explain the whole situation to him and it will all work out perfectly with no complications.

PHAEDRA: What a shitty plan

NURSE: Remember when you were gonna starve yourself to death because you like a boy?

PHAEDRA: Fine, do your thing.

Nurse goes into the castle to find Hyppolitus.

NURSE: Yo Hyppolitus I have something to tell you but first you have to pinkie swear not to tell anyone else

HYPPOLITUS: Sure, what’s up?

NURSE: I need you to fuck your step-mom.

HYPPOLITUS: Super not going to!

NURSE: Come on she’s technically not even related to you

HYPPOLITUS: One: it’s still creepy. Two: if it wasn’t creepy I still wouldn’t do it because I am a VIRGIN who HATES SEX.

NURSE: We’re talking about the chick your dad left your mom for. She’s obviously super hot.

HYPPOLITUS: That is HIGHLY UNCONVINCING.

NURSE: Her mom fucked a bull. She’s probably kinky!

HYPPOLITUS: God dammit if you hadn’t made me promise not to tell anyone about this I would SO BE TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS

NURSE: Well duh that’s why I made you promise.

HYPPOLITUS: UGH. GIRLS ARE SO GROSS. I’m going out hunting. When my dad gets back home you are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE.

Hyppolitus runs away. The Nurse goes outside to tell Phaedra she fucked up.

PHAEDRA: How’d it go?

NURSE: Not … great?

PHAEDRA: Shit. Guess I better go kill myself.

NURSE: Guess so.

Bummer. Theseus gets home a few minutes later and finds his wife’s corpse

THESEUS: Aw man not again. I just got this one! Hey, there’s a note attached to her: “Dear Theseus, Hyppolitus raped me and I was so ashamed about it that I killed myself. Love, your dead wife.” Aw, fuck! Hyppolitus, get in here!

HYPPOLITUS: Hey dad what’s upOH MY GOD PHAEDRA’S DEAD

THESEUS: Don’t act so surprised you sex criminal

HYPPOLITUS: But I didn’t … she came on to me!

THESEUS: Wow. Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?

HYPPOLITUS: Man I wish I could tell you more, but I sort of … promised not to?

THESEUS: Weak. You’re exiled. I hope you die. In fact, I’m gonna do better than hope. I’m gonna cash in one of my favors with Poseidon to actually make you die.

This all happens. Hyppolitus gets banished, and then Poseidon causes an earthquake and Hyppolitus’s horses freak out and drag him to death. It’s pretty brutal. Then, Artemis shows up!

ARTEMIS: Hey, sorry I’m late. You didn’t kill Hyppolitus yet, did you? Because he’s innocent. Totally innocent the whole time.

THESEUS: Oh. … Well shit.

ARTEMIS: I guess the moral of the story is …

ALL: Women are liars!

NURSE: Hey, is anybody worried that stories like these enable a culture of victim-blaming and rape denial?

ARTEMIS: THE END!

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Green Eggs and Ham is About the Nature of Consent

So this guy is hanging out in his house
and then all of a sudden this tiny dude busts in
and he’s like YO MY NAME IS SAM
DID YOU HEAR ME
I SAID
MY NAME IS SAM
SAM, THAT’S ME
LEMME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU:
S as in SAM
A as in SAM WITHOUT THE S
M as in MY NAME IS SAM
and the other dude is like “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?”
and Sam is like “Eat this green food I brought with me.”
and the guy is like “What?
no
ham is not supposed to be green
eggs are not supposed to be green
those things are clearly riddled with disease
I do not like to put diseases in my mouth
thank you Sam you may now leave.”

But Sam is not going to give up
because Sam is a relentless garbage-chef
instead he settles in for the long haul
in a house that is not his
and starts asking questions
he’s like “What if I put them in a house?”
and the dude is like “No we are already in a house”
and Sam is like “Okay what if I threw in a live rodent”
and the dude is like “Wow you somehow made moldy breakfast less appetizing
A+ job please go away”
but Sam is like “How about if I put them … inside a box?”
and the dude is like “You can put them wherever you want
as long as I don’t have to eat them”
and Sam is like “Okay okay
what if I paired them with a vicious forest dog
like a wolf or maybe a fox?”
and the dude is like “Please leave my home.”

So Sam sees that he’s not getting anywhere
and he leaves
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
Next day, this poor dude is crossing the street
when Sam shows up in a misshapen convertible
and tries to RUN HIM OVER
and then he’s like “WOULD YOU EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM IN A CAR?”
and the dude is like “YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO MURDER ME”
and Sam is like “WHAT ABOUT IN A TREE?”
and the dude is like “DON’T HIT A TREE YOU’LL KILL US BOTH
PLEASE STOP HARASSING ME
I DO NOT WANT YOUR SHITTY FOOD
I DON’T CARE HOW MANY SHITTY PRIZES YOU OFFER ME”

Then Sam goes eerily silent
he stops his car
and is deep in thought
the dude thinks maybe the nightmare is over
but he is not so lucky
an idiot grin slowly spreads across Sam’s face
he opens his hairy lips and screams:
“A TRAIN!
A TRAIN A TRAIN A TRAIN!!!!!”
and the dude is like “Are you even listening to me
who are you
why is it so important to you that I eat your trash food”
but Sam can’t hear him
Sam is lost in his own horrifying world.
The guy goes home that night and discovers that his power has been cut
Sam is waiting for him in the darkness
like, “How about now?
It’s dark
you can’t even tell what color the ham is.”
the guy screams and runs
but Sam follows him on tiny, gnarled feet
offering a goat, or a ride on his yacht
if he will only nibble on these festering morning treats.
He chases the poor man all through town
until finally the man can take no more
he turns to Sam and yells “FINE
YOU WIN
I’LL EAT YOUR DAMN COMPOST
ANY AMOUNT OF MEDICAL BILLS IS BETTER THAN THIS”
he kneels before Sam
who triumphantly skewers a rubbery green egg on a fork
and places it on the man’s outstretched tongue.
It tastes like burnt plastic dipped in bad milk
and yet he smiles
he realizes that he loves his tormentor
Sam only wants the best for him, after all
he will happily eat whatever this tiny shitty man offers him
he will dine with vermin, livestock and wild dogs
he will eat hot garbage on boats and in cars, in houses and in boxes
he will live in the dark
slurping up whatever congealed slime Sam sees fit to offer him.
it will truly be
a paradise.

The moral of the story
is that the way to a man’s heart
is through relentless psychological torture
i mean his stomach

the end

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Robin Hood Corrupts the Entire Government

going kinda crazy getting ready for Gen Con
so let’s keep this quick:

So Robin Hood has been being a criminal for a while at this point

and getting away with it
and the king of England
(who in this story is named Richard
and actually has a legit claim to the throne
which makes Robin Hood look less like a cool rebel
and more like just a straight up criminal BUT WHATEVER)
is like “damn
how is this guy continually shitting in the milk of all my tax collectors?
could it be that my tax collectors LIKE having their milk shat in?
is my selection process somehow skewed towards shitmilk enthusiasts?
or is Robin Hood just a really dope dude who would be great to party with?
Occam’s razor suggests that option b is the correct one
but how can I be sure?
OH!
I’ll disguise myself as the one thing Robin Hood hates more than me:
A PRIEST
and then I’ll go hit him up with a bunch of other fake priests
in the middle of his home turf
and then not get murdered and robbed by a band of career highwaymen!
and all of his advisors are like
“…eh”

so Robin Hood is chilling in his baller forest mansion
getting yet another sick neck tat
when one of his boys runs up and is like “HEY
THERE’S A BUNCH OF PRIESTS UP IN OUR WOODS”
and Robin Hood jumps up like “HO-LEE SHIT
LOOKS LIKE I’M GONNA HAVE TO FINISH THIS SWEET NECK TAT LATER
THIS IS LIKE MURDER CHRISTMAS”
then he throws on a pair of roller blades and skates off to meet them.

So the king and all his dudes are walking along
when suddenly Robin Hood hits a sick ramp and does a flip in front of them
and then he’s like “STOP
STOP BEING PRIESTS IN MY WOODS
AND START BEING DUDES GIVING ME MONEY”
and king Richard is like “No dude you misunderstand
we are here to see Robin Hood
we are messengers from King Richard!”
and Robin Hood
who is not nearly as bad at seeing through disguises as everybody else
is like “Uh … huh.
Boy, that sure changes things!
I sure do like the king!
Hey, I bet you guys dig parties, right?
Come party with me, it will be great.”

And that’s what they do
they party ALL NIGHT LONG
they drink so much wine
they eat so much food
Richard is seriously impressed
it’s almost like Robin Hood isn’t giving all his ill-gotten gains to the poor
and is instead spending it on wild parties to bribe government officials
SHOCKER.

Anyway pretty soon Richard is like “Dude I am so hammered
I love you, Robin Hood
what do you say I get you a pardon from the king
will you come work for me I mean him in that case?”
and Robin Hood is like “I SURE WILL DUDE.”
and Richard is like “Great.
Hey
Hey:
I’m actually king Richard”
and Robin Hood is like “WHOA I HAD NO IDEA.
I WAS JUST THROWING YOU A HUGE PARTY BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT
NOT OUT OF SELF-INTEREST OR ANYTHING
anyway thanks for the pardon
let’s go rub it in the Sheriff’s face.”
Then they go into town and eat all the Sheriff’s food
and there’s nothing the Sheriff can do
and then Robin goes to the capitol to pursue what was obviously his true calling all along:
politics

the moral of the story is that lobbying is older than hygiene.

The end.

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Robin Hood Takes Care Of His Own, By Which I Mean Other Criminals

Right so Robin Hood is riding his skateboard through the forest
and he almost runs it straight into this old woman
she is not looking where she is going because she is too busy CRYING
so robin hood whips off his sunglasses and he’s like “WHOA
LADY
Why are you moistening my forest with your tears?
Did the AARP revoke your membership?
Did Walgreens run out of Werther’s originals?”
and she’s like “NO MY 3 SONS ARE GONNA GET HANGED YOU PRICK”
so Robin Hood is like “Whoa
damn lady
what did they do?
punch a couple babies?
fuck a pope?”
and she’s like “NO THEY JUST SHOT THE KING’S DEER THAT’S ALL”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh fuck
THAT’S ILLEGAL????”

Because, see, here’s the thing
Robin Hood shoots the king’s deer like ALL THE TIME
it’s basically all he eats
as far as he is concerned, sherwood forest is one huge grocery store
and all the grocery store sells is deer meat
just a huge shitty grocery store where the food runs from you
and apparently you can get arrested for chasing it.
Now Robin Hood has a keen legal mind
(you need one of those as a career criminal)
and he understands that if he lets these dudes get hanged
for doing a thing he does ALL THE TIME
it is going to set a really bad precedent
(also in some versions the three dudes work for him so there’s that)
so Robin Hood IMMEDIATELY jumps back on his skateboard
and shreds his way to Nottingham

On the way to Nottingham he runs into a Palmer
which is a fancy medieval name for a Pilgrim
which is a fancy medieval name for a dude who wanders from holy place to holy place
asking people for free food and a place to crash in the name of god
so basically it’s what you do if you want to be a professional homeless person
(you can still do this, actually
I did it for a while
it was pretty cool)
so Robin Hood is like “YO DUDE
SWITCH CLOTHES WITH ME
I’LL GIVE YOU 40 DOLLARS”
now this homeless dude is no idiot
he takes one look at Robin Hood’s sweet shades and his leather jacket
and he’s like “Dude, your clothes are fly as hell
and my clothes are fucking flightless
they are like the penguins of the clothing world
so either you’re trying to prank me
in which case fuck you
or you REALLY NEED MY SHITTY CLOTHES for some reason
in which case 40 bucks is a little low don’t you think?”
and Robin Hood is like “FINE
I’LL GIVE YOU 400 BUCKS.
GO GET HAMMERED.”
and the Palmer is like “Way ahead of you bro”

So Robin Hood shows up in Nottingham wearing these nasty clothes
and he runs up to the Sheriff of Nottingham
who has a bizarre medical condition which prevents him from recognizing faces
and Robin Hood is like “Yo sheriff
I heard you’re about to execute some dudes
how much will you pay me to execute them for you?”
Apparently this is a way you could make money in medieval tymes
just show up to executions and offer to press the button
no background check necessary
so the sheriff is like “Yeah dude totally
I’ll give you like 13 bucks, plus you can have their clothes and wallets”
so robin hood climbs up on the gallows where the dudes are
and then he’s like “13 dollars?
I don’t want your thirteen dollars
all I wanna do is blow my horn three times
and summon my huge army of criminals to release these dudes
I don’t know why my plan required getting into this shitty disguise
because I appear to command like ten thousand guys
but it just doesn’t really feel like a caper until I switch clothes with somebody
you know?
Anyway let’s drag the sheriff into the woods and hang him instead of these dudes.
That seems reasonable.”

So that’s what they do
and Robin Hood burns his clothes
leaving him with nothing but an emerald-studded thong and gold nipple rings.

The moral of the story
is that precedent is the cornerstone of the legal system
precedent and murder.

The end.

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Robin Hood is the Most Aggressive Wedding Planner

I might as well level with you
I’m running a Robin Hood themed Leverage game at Gen Con
so I’ve been reading a lot of Robin Hood to get in the spirit
and I might as well get Content out of that research, right?
so here, for your enjoyment
is yet another TRUE CRIME TALE FROM THE ENGLISH WOOD

Right so Robin Hood and his boys are chilling in the forest
like they do all the time
and they see this dude in fancy red clothes
running around
singing
getting his joy on
just generally being gay as hell
but then the NEXT day they see the same dude
and he is all goth’d out
moping his way through the tall grass
no longer even a little gay
and Robin Hood is like “whoa, look at that dude
who prayed his gay away, am I right?
Never fear, I know just what to do:
let’s go rob him.”

So Robin Hood and co jump out of the bushes like “Ha HA!
Got any money?”
and the dude
(whose name is Alan, btw)
is like “No I don’t have any money do I look like I have money?”
and Robin Hood is like “Bummer”
and Alan is like “You don’t even know what a bummer my life is.
I was gonna marry this chick, right
but now all of a sudden she has to marry this other dude
because he’s rich or super handsome or something
all I really know is that it’s unfair.”
and Robin Hood is like “it sounds very unfair, yes
I will get you your lady back for a hundred bucks.”
and Alan is like “dude I just told you I’m broke
but I guess I can be your servant forever or something.”
and Robin Hood is like “YES!
SLAVERY!
YET ANOTHER CRIME FOR ME TO HASTILY JUSTIFY!
Alright dude, you got yourself a deal
now go polish my arrows.”

So Robin Hood rolls into town where the wedding is happening
dressed all fancy and carrying a guitar
and he knocks on the door of the church and the bishop comes out
and Robin Hood is like “Yo I hear there’s a wedding here today.”
and the bishop is like “Yeah I’m gonna do a wedding, who are you?”
and Robin Hood is like “Oh i’m just the best guitarist in the land”
and the bishop is like “YOU’RE EDDIE VAN HALEN?
DUDE! COME IN RIGHT NOW, YOU GOTTA PLAY AT THIS WEDDING.”
and Robin Hood is like “Nuh uh uh
I don’t play at a wedding until I see and approve of the bride and groom
bring them out here right now.”
and the bishop is like “Anything you say mister Van Halen”
so he brings out the chick and the handsome knight she’s marrying
and Robin Hood takes a look at them and he’s like “Nope. Nope.
The chick is fine, but this dude? He is the wrong dude.
I brought a better dude, here he is”
and he pulls out Alan.

So obviously the bishop is upset
he’s like “Eddie Van Halen, you can’t just bring your own groom to a wedding
that’s not how weddings work”
and Robin Hood is like “I’M EDDIE FUCKING VAN HALEN
I WROTE HOT FOR TEACHER
I SMASHED A GUITAR
I CAN MARRY WHOEVER I WANT TO WHOEVER I WANT.
Also I’m actually Robin Hood and I command a small army of thugs
here they are!”
and then all of Robin Hood’s boys show up and the bishop is like “oh my”

So now that Robin Hood has the situation thoroughly in hand
he goes over to the bishop and is like “Your clothes
give them to me”
and the bishop does what he’s told
and then Robin Hood throws the cassock over Little John’s head
and he’s like “Alright Little John
you’re wearing the cassock
you’re the bishop now, you can do the wedding
that is definitely how that works”
and then they go inside the church
and Little John runs Alan and his disturbingly silent wife through the ceremony
he does it seven times just to make sure it sticks
and also because he is not a minister and has no right officiating a wedding.
Then the ceremony is over
and Robin Hood shreds a wicked guitar solo and drowns in sex.

The moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
hire a bunch of criminals to strong arm her into marrying you anyway.

The end.

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Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are Two Violent Morons

Okay so Robin Hood again:
Dude is hanging out with his boys in the woods
shooting arrows at shit because that’s all they ever do
and they manage to kill a bunch of animals really fast at great distances
it would be better if they had guns but I guess they like a challenge
anyway Robin Hood is SUPER STOKED about these dead animals
because he loves yeomanry/fucking hates animals
and he starts being like “Man, Little John
you are the best at arrows
I bet I could ride a hundred miles and never find somebody who’s better at arrows.”
But then Will Scarlet
who is sort of the third wheel in the bromance between Robin Hood and Little John
is like “uhh actually …”
And Robin Hood is like “WHAT?
WHAT ACTUALLY?”
And Will is like “There’s this monk over by the river who is –“
“WHO IS WHAT, SHITSMITH? WHAT IS HE?”
“He’s … better at arrows.”
And Robin Hood is like “OH IS HE?
WELL IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET …
SHOT DOWN.”
And then he puts on some sunglasses and rides his motorcycle over to Fountains Dale
which is where this Friar is supposed to be.

So he gets to this river
And there’s a friar there.
Seems to be the friar he’s looking for
because he’s got hella armor on and he’s carrying weapons
so Robin Hood does the only sensible thing:
He runs up to the friar and says “CARRY ME ACROSS THE RIVER”
So the friar does the only sensible thing:
He picks up Robin Hood and carries him across the river.
SILENTLY.
Then, when they get to the other side of the river
he turns to Robin Hood and he says
“Carry me across the river.”
So Robin Hood does the only OKAY NO.
NONE OF THIS IS SENSIBLE.
TWO DUDES IN ARMOR ARE TAKING TURNS PLAYING HORSEY IN A RIVER
LIKE A SHITTY MEDIEVAL OREGON TRAIL
THIS IS LIKE IF I SHOWED UP TO A JOB INTERVIEW
AND I WAS LIKE “HEY
INTERVIEWER:
CARRY ME ACROSS A RIVER.”
AND THEN HE DID IT.
BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
As soon as Robin Hood gets the friar across the river
he turns around and he’s like “CARRY ME AGAIN”
and the friar is like “Sure I’ve got nothing going on today”
so he starts carrying Robin back
But then he gets to the middle of the river and he’s like “PSYCHE”
And he tosses Robin into the river
and Robin is like “You FUCK I am going to KILL YOU”
(PS: Why does Robin Hood only seem to make friends by fighting them in rivers?)

So Robin starts shooting arrows at the friar
and the friar keeps deflecting them with his shield until Robin runs out
then they beat each other with swords until Robin gets tired
And Robin is like “Okay dude time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And the friar is like “Well I carried you across a river on my back so why not”
And Robin is like “Great. Let me pull out this horn and blow on it 3 times”
And the friar is like “Sounds non-suspicious to me!”
so Robin Hood blows on the horn
which obviously summons his whole gang
and the friar is like “Oh shit time out
Can you do me a favor?”
And Robin Hood is like “I’d be a dick if I said no”
And the friar is like “Great. Let me whistle three times
you know the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth?
That’s the one I’m gonna do.”
And Robin Hood is like “Wow, you can do that?
I tried for like an hour and I couldn’t get it.
That’s why I have to carry this big shitty horn with me all the time.
Anyway yeah, that sounds fine.”
So the friar whistles three times
and all of a sudden A SWARM OF DOGS APPEARS
ONE DOG FOR EVERY DUDE IN ROBIN’S BAND
BARKING AND BITING AND CATCHING ARROWS IN THEIR FUCKING TEETH
and the friar is like “HAHA FUCK YOU I’M A DOG LORD”
and Robin Hood is like “OH NO A DOG LORD”
but Little John is like “WHHHHHHAT?”
and Robin Hood is like “Hey dude do you see all those dogs?”
and Little John is like “YEEEEEAH”
and Robin Hood is like “Kill them for me?”
and Little John is like “OKAY”
and he shoots like twenty of them
because he IS pretty good at arrows
And the friar is like “Whoa dude stop shooting my dogs”
And Robin Hood is like “Only if you join our medieval crime syndicate.”
And the friar is like “will there be violence?”
And Robin Hood is like “Excessive amounts.”
So the friar is like “Okay sweet.”
And from then on, he is known as …
FRIAR TUCK.

So the moral of the story
is never bring a dog to a bowfight.

The end.

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Everybody Trusts Robin Hood for Some Reason

It’s been a long time since I talked about everybody’s favorite green forest burglar
I think the last story I told about him was pretty violent
like unnecessarily so
and the one before that was 80% sex and disguises
but Robin Hood is supposed to be about tricking dudes and stealing shit
he was played by a fox in the Disney movie for christ’s sake
like they brought in an actual live fox to model for that character
they lost three animators trying to put it in a green tunic
it was an incredible waste of money and life.
Anyway here’s a story where Robin does something clever for once.

So Robin Hood and Little John are walking through the forest
(and now you have that song stuck in your head)
when they see this potter driving a cart down the road.
Now, I went and looked up what a potter is, just to make sure
because sometimes ye olde jobbe tittles don’t mean what they seem to mean
like a cooper makes barrels and a cockswain is not a gay porn director
but it turns out a potter is exactly what it sounds like:
a dude who makes pots and then sells the pots.
The reason I bothered to look this up
is that I can think of no reason why a dude who makes pots all day
would be better at fighting than two dudes who FIGHT AND ROB PEOPLE ALL DAY
but this is the world these people live in I guess
because Little John sees the potter and he’s like “OH FUCK
ROBIN
THIS IS THAT POTTER I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT”
and Robin is like “Chill out baby
you mean the Potter you tried to rob
but instead of getting robbed by you he broke three of your ribs?”
and little john is like “Yeah dude, he really fucked me up
just like he’ll fuck you up if you try to rob him”
and Robin’s like “Oh yeah?
I bet you 40 bucks I can get him to give me his money”
and Little John is like “Ok dude but when I win
I am not going to use any of that money to pay your medical bills”

so Robin hood jumps out of the forest in front of the potter like “sup”
and the potter’s like “nm, you?”
and Robin is like “Oh you know, just running this invisible toll booth here
right in the middle of the forest.
Give me 40 bucks and you can pass by.”
Guys, this is how Robin Hood makes his money:
by extorting working class travelers in “his” forest.
If anybody did this today we would be fucking horrified
but somehow this guy gets to skate by because occasionally he robs bad guys.
Obviously the potter refuses
because nothing about Robin Hood says “licensed toll collector”
so Robin Hood is like “awesome” and pulls out his sword
and the potter pulls out a big stick and fucks him with it.

So Robin Hood is lying on the ground bleeding from everywhere
and Little John runs up like “haha pay up cripple”
so Robin Hood pays him
and then the potter is like “dude
that was a real dick move, trying to rob me like that”
and Robin Hood is like “Your violence has convinced me that you are right
let’s be bros
let’s wear each other’s clothes”
and the potter is like “…what?”
and Robin Hood is like “Dude I’m serious
switch clothes with me
I’ll go to Nottingham and pretend to be you
we’re bros now this is what bros do.”
and the shrewd potter is like “Alright
but only if …
you take all my merchandise too
and sell it in town on my behalf”

so that’s what happens.
Robin Hood puts on the potter’s clothes and goes to town
with all the potter’s pots
and he rolls right up to the Sheriff of Nottingham’s house
(played by a fat wolf in the Disney version)
and sets up his stand.
It turns out, to no one’s surprise, that Robin Hood doesn’t know shit about pots
he is selling them for so cheap that everyone thinks he is an idiot
but as my grandpappy used to say:
idiot pots work just as well as non-idiot pots
(my grandpappy had a lot of really specific ceramics-related sayings)
so everybody buys all of the dumb idiot’s stupid pots
ALL BUT FIVE, THAT IS.
Robin Hood has been saving his last five pots
so he can give them away for free
to the wife of his mortal enemy
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM.

So Robin gets invited to dinner because of his gifts
and because Robin is not dressed like a jolly green asshole
the Sheriff does not recognize him at all
and is instead very thankful for the nice pots.
Meanwhile two of the sheriff’s guys start arguing about who can shoot better
and they start betting each other money
so Robin Hood is like “move over shitbirds” and takes them to arrow school
and the Sheriff is like “HOLY SHIT THAT BOY CAN BOW”
and Robin Hood is like “yeah dude I shoot bows with robin hood all the time
I can take you to meet him if you want”
and the Sheriff is like “I WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCRITICALLY”

Now I’m sure you can guess how this is going to go at this point:
Robin Hood leads the Sheriff to the potter dressed in his clothes
the Sheriff arrests the potter and Robin Hood flips everybody off with both hands
EXCEPT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUESSED WRONG.
Robin Hood just leads the Sheriff into the forest
has his dudes ambush him
and then takes all his loot and sends him home on a shitty horse
then he gives like half the money he made on heavily discounted pots to the potter
which means the potter basically got paid minimum wage to get drunk with criminals all day
so everybody goes home happy
except the Sheriff of Nottingham
but at least he gets to go home.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re getting mugged
just start taking off all your clothes and offering them to your mugger
it will turn out super well
history has shown this.

The end.

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Peter Pan is as Shitty as Every Other Child

Hello boys and girls

today I am going to tell you a story
about a racist sociopath from your childhood
he is not that special as far as racist sociopaths go
other than HE CAN FLY AND IS IMMORTAL
but yeah anyway
this story doesn’t start with Peter Pan
it starts with this girl named Wendy
and her brothers, Michael and John
they live in boring old London
which we are going to need to get out of ASAP
in order for this story to be any fun.

Luckily, Peter Pan decides to KIDNAP Wendy and her brothers
because he likes going over to her house to listen to bedtime stories
but he hates the commute.
The first time he comes by to hang out
she scares him so hard HIS SHADOW FALLS OFF
because he is a SHODDILY CONSTRUCTED PERSON
but she glues that shit back on
and then he’s like “Awesome, come to Neverland with me
you can be my mom.”
and Wendy is like “Uh”
and he’s like “No it’s okay
look I’m gonna cover you in magic dust and now you can FLY”
[just so you know
so many children thought they could fly after seeing this play
that the fairy dust rule had to be added in as a fucking safety measure
WRITERS: CHILDPROOF YOUR STORIES
CHILDREN ARE DUMBER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.]

So by bribing her with performance enhancing drugs
Peter is able to convince Wendy to come back to his place
along with her two bros.
Unfortunately, Peter has already been shacking up with a fairy
a literal magic fairy named Tinkerbell
and Tinkerbell is NOT about to be usurped by some gullible sky-tramp
so when she sees Wendy coming
she rounds up Peter’s crew
(a gang of perfect idiots called the Lost Boyz)
and she’s like “HEY LOOK THERE IN THE SKY
IT’S A BIRD
PETER WANTS YOU TO SHOOT IT”
and boys love to fucking kill shit for no reason i guess
because they shoot wendy and she almost dies
but then they feel bad and make her their mother.

Here’s the problem
WENDY IS A GOD-DAMN CHILD STILL
SHE IS BARELY OLDER THAN ANYONE ELSE
so she starts doing all the things she thinks a mother does
like “give them medicine”
(actually just water in a bowl)
“feed them food”
(actually just pretend to feed them food)
and “force them to take naps.”
(there is no way to fuck this up because naps are amazing)
but her most important job
is to tell them bedtime stories
which she is really good at because her mom knows a ton of them.

But why the fuck do these kids care about bedtime stories?
THEY LIVE WITH A FAIRY, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
THEY FIGHT PIRATES
THEY KILL PEOPLE LIKE EVERY DAY
nothing Wendy is telling them is more interesting than their actual lives
like one time they go out to the beach
and while they’re hanging out there some pirates show up
with a tied-up indian chick named Tiger Lily
(Tiger Lily is an indian as in native american
not as in actually from india
but it’s weird to call her a native american
because these people are nowhere near america.
The book calls them redskins
which is probably even worse.
They also call them Picaninnys
which i think is a little better
but ultimately what they are
are the products of the imagination of a racist child.)
So Peter is like “OH SHIT PIRATES GOTTA KILL EM”
and then he starts flying around punching pirates
ESPECIALLY a pirate named Captain Hook.

Captain Hook cannot possibly be this guy’s real name
he got ‘Captain’ from being a captain
and ‘Hook’ because he has a hook for a hand
which is like if I called my grandpa “Captain Cane”:
RUDE.
The reason Hook is missing a real hand
is that Peter Pan RIPPED IT OFF AND FED IT TO A CROCODILE.
Maybe you were waiting for the part where Peter was actually a sociopath
because you missed the part where he drugged and kidnapped three kids
well, here it is.
You don’t have to do that to someone’s hand
like, if you chop off someone’s hand
there is absolutely no reason to pick it up
unless you made a big mistake and you want to sew it back on.
Every other reason for picking up a severed hand is a bad reason
pretending to shake the hand? NOT OKAY.
dismembered high five? IN POOR TASTE.
feeding it to a live fucking crocodile
who then develops a taste for the flesh of the hand’s owner
and follows that dude around FOREVER AFTER?
ULTIMATE PARTY FOUL.

So naturally Hook wants to murder Peter
and Peter is such a cocky asshole
he almost pushes Hook off a cliff
but then sticks out his hand to save him
so Hook STABS HIM IN THE HAND
and then leaves him and wendy to die
on a rapidly-submerging rock.
Wendy gets away because there’s a little life raft there or something
but Peter has to die
which he’s totally okay with, because in his words,
“To die will be an awfully big adventure”
PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT HE HAS NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF DEATH.
Then a bird sacrifices its children to save him though
so it looks like Peter gets to spend another day
not learning about consequences.

Peter comes back home
and the whole Picaninny tribe is super pleased with him
because Tiger Lily is safe
(PS: the pirates caught her trying to sneak on board and murder them all
by herself
so she’s pretty cool)
so by way of saying thanks
they agree to guard Peter’s underground base
in case the pirates show up.

GUESS WHAT? THE PIRATES SHOW UP.
They show up at the worst possible time:
right when Wendy has told Peter that she’s going back to boring London
and taking all his friends with her.
See, she was actually kinda starting to have a thing for Peter
so she was like “Hey Peter, how do you feel about me”
and he was like “You are like a mom to me”
and she was like “AW FUCK, FRIENDZONED”
and also it turns out she has no idea how to be a mom
and she misses living in a house instead of a dirthole
and she is worried about PIRATES
and all the Lost Boys sort of see her point
because at this point they have been kids for god knows how long
and the whole time they have been killing pirates basically nonstop
so they are seriously warped
they have no idea what normal life is like
and they would like to give it a try.

But right when they’re all about to leave
the pirates jump on the Picaninnies and kill most of them
instead of adhering to what the book calls a time-honored tradition
of waiting until morning and letting the indians ambush them to death.
Then they steal the war-drums
and start beating on them like the Picaninnies won
so Wendy and co are like “Oh I guess it’s safe to go out now”
and then they get kidnapped by pirates
and Peter has no idea
b/c he’s already decided that his friends are disposable and gone to sleep.

When Hook is tying up the prisoners, shit gets even worse
because he discovers that Slightly, one of the lost boys, is fat
(dunno how he got fat when all their meals are imaginary
the book says he drank a lot of water
which makes me think of him as a balloon filled with warm piss)
what this means is that there must be a way into peter’s hole
that is big enough for a fat child/Captain Hook to fit through
so he finds that hole
and sneaks down to murder Peter in his sleep
but for some reason he can’t get through the door
so instead he just poisons peter’s “medicine”
which he refused to take because fuck wendy
and also because IT’S JUST WATER.

Then Captain Hook leaves and Tinkerbell shows up
(she was gone because fuck wendy)
and she’s like “PETER, EVERYONE IS KIDNAPPED”
and Peter is like “DANG”
and Tink is like “ALSO YOUR MEDICINE IS POISONED”
and Peter is like “LOL NO IT’S NOT”
and he starts to drink it
so Tinkerbell has to take one for the team and chug the poison instead
and peter is pretty pissed until she starts dying
but then he’s just sad
except it turns out Tinkerbell can’t die if children believe in faries
and luckily children will believe fucking anything
so she comes back to life with no problems
(this part is way more dramatic in the play.
you can tell he tried to make it work in the book but it’s pretty dumb.)

Once again saved from the consequences of his dumb actions
Peter sneaks onto the Pirate ship by pretending to be the crocodile
frees all the prisoners
kills all the pirates
and then front-kicks Captain Hook into the real crocodile’s mouth
which Hook gets all smug about because it isn’t sporting.
SPORTING?
YOU’RE A PIRATE, BRO
ALSO DEAD.

So Wendy is like “Wow thanks for saving us, Peter
you’re still an asshole though, bye.”
But Peter’s like “I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S THE ASSHOLE
I’LL RACE YOU HOME AND LOCK YOUR WINDOW
SO YOU’LL THINK YOUR MOM FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND COME BACK AND LIVE WITH…
Oh wow, it’s me. I’m the asshole.”
So Wendy goes home and her mom is very stoked
she is so stoked she agrees to adopt four new children on the spot
and she raises all of them and they all get high-paying adult jobs
and then many years later Peter shows up
and he’s still a kid but Wendy is a grown-up
and Peter is like “AW FUCK WHAT HAPPENED”
and Wendy is like “It’s okay Peter
you can have my daughter”
and Peter’s like “Any port in a storm i guess.”

So he takes Wendy’s daughter until she gets sick of him
and then later she gives him HER daughter
and so on and so on
like the way some tribes sacrifice virgins to volcanoes.

So the moral of the story is lock your fucking windows.

The end.

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