Bears will fuck you up

Alright it’s decided

I am officially on a fairytales kick right now
that is what I am doing
I’m gonna dig into my Grimm books some time in the next few days
but i figured I’d start out with a pretty perfect story
it is perfect because it involves breaking and entering
little kids getting murdered
and best of all
BEARS

that’s right
it’s motherfucking GOLDILOCKS time up in this bitch

alright so Goldilocks right
she’s got to have one of the stupidest names of all time
what the fuck was wrong with parents in fairytale times
it’s like they just named their kids after the first fucking thing they saw
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
SNOW WHITE
COWSHIT DOUGLAS
okay that last one wasn’t real
but anyway Goldilocks is running through the forest
trying to escape her shitty name
when all of a sudden BOOM
here’s a bear’s house come looming out of nowhere

now when the fairytale says bear house
we all know that what they really mean is DARK-ASS CAVE
bears do not live in houses
not even these bears
i mean these are pretty remarkable bears but living in a house?
fuck that
grow some thumbs assholes
then maybe you can take out a goddamn mortgage

but anyway
Goldilocks rolls up on this sweet bearhouse
prolly with a sign out front that says BEAR HOUSE
or maybe just some dead bodies
and she’s like this looks like a job for
BURGLARY
so she busts out a window and she jumps inside
and starts running around putting things in her mouth
seriously
the first thing she does is she sees some porridge on the table
PORRIDGE
fucking WARM-ASS BREAKFAST CEREAL
left untouched on the table
clearly a trap left by the bears
so they will have something to get furious about
when they come home and someone has eaten it
what other explanation is there
you are bears and you build a house
you build tables and chairs
you make porridge
THEN YOU LEAVE TO GO GET SOME REAL FUCKING BEAR FOOD
SALMON AND BEES AND SHIT
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE A MAGIC BEAR
TRUST ME I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SHIT

anyway there are three bowls of porridge
and she burns the shit out of her mouth on one of them
and then another one is too cold
and the third one is great
so not only is she a thief but she’s a picky bitch
anyway then she’s all bloated so she has to go sit down
so she finds some chairs
and she’s like THIS CHAIR IS TOO HARD
THIS CHAIR IS TOO SOFT
I’M GONNA DO A CANNONBALL INTO THE THIRD CHAIR AND BREAK IT BECAUSE FUCK THIS
and then she’s tired from ruining all this property so it’s naptime

now a normal person would go back home for naptime
but Goldilocks is not a normal person
she’s a fucking sociopath
she’s one of those people who breaks into your house when it’s getting fumigated
and just hangs out eating your sandwiches until she dies from the poisonous gas
you come home from vacation all sunburned
and here is this twitching eight ear old girl on your couch
cartoon network is still playing on your television
sandwiches all stuffed into her gaping maw

ANYWAY
Goldilocks goes upstairs and starts sitting on beds
OHHH THIS ONE IS TOO HARD
THIS ONE SUCKS TOO MUCH
THIS ONE OVER HERE IS GREAT
and she passes the fuck out
AND THIS IS WHEN THE BEARS CHOOSE TO ARRIVE
you stand there and try to tell me they didn’t plan this
three bears show up at this house and they make a big show of going over the carnage
oh man she ate all our nutritious porridge
oh man she fucked up all our chairs
GOOD THING WE DON’T EAT PORRIDGE OR SIT IN CHAIRS
hm i wonder if when we go upstairs we will find someone sleeping in one of our beds
HMMMMM
oh by the way I guess I should mention
that the bear who gets fucked over the most
the one whose porridge gets 100% consumed
and whose chair gets broken
and whose bed Goldilocks is at this very moment sleeping in
is the BABY BEAR
yeah
Goldilocks has actually TAKEN FOOD FROM A BABY
MASTER CRIMINAL OF THE FUCKING CENTURY RIGHT HERE
but anyway yeah they go upstairs
and they make a show of checking all the beds
and WHAT’S THIS
HERE’S GOLDILOCKS SLEEPING IN THE BABY BEAR’S BED
and she wakes up and there are bears all the fuck everywhere
like BITCH
DIDN’T YOU SEE THAT MOVIE WITH THE GUY IN THE MOUNTAINS
WHERE HE GETS EATEN BY BEARS AND SHIT
I THINK IT WAS CALLED CITIZEN KANE OR SOMETHING?
and Goldilocks is like ROOOOOOOSEEEBUUDDDDDDDD

now this is where tellings of this tale tend to diverge
you see some people say Goldilocks jumped out of her bed and fucking ran for her life
actually when i say some people I mean everybody
everybody says that
but everybody is WRONG
you wake up in the body of an eight-year-old surrounded by bears
and YOU try and make a daring escape
fuck no
bitch gets eaten
as well she should
and the bears live happily ever after
having reset their cunning human trap

so the moral of the story is
taking candy from a baby is easy
i do it all the time
but taking porridge from a bear baby?
TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT

THE END.

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17 thoughts on “Bears will fuck you up

  1. I read this aloud in a Chris Rock voice and the whole household was on the floor rolling. Thanks for the great start to our Friday!

  2. This and the Roald Dahl version are the best renditions of Goldilocks ever. And hey, both versions end with her being devoured. Justice is served!

  3. Not to be too CSI but the thing about this story that's always bugged me is how did three bowls of porridge, prepared at the same time, cool at such different rates?

    The scientific answer is: Bears be using witchcraft.

  4. I never thought Goldilocks could ever be a cool, hard-core story.
    You have proven me wrong sir.
    Also, Cowshit Douglas is what I am now calling people who annoy me >.>

  5. You want a bear story, look up 2 Kings 2:23-24.

    Get blessed by Elijah, mess around a bit with phenomenal powers, then savage a bunch of youths.

  6. Sarah, I assumed Papa Bear's bowl was super big, and Mama's was medium and Baby's was small. Which is why when I tell it to my 3 year old, it's Mama's stuff that gets all jacked up, because Papa's is too one way, and Baby's is to the other, but Mama's is the middle compromise that is just right. My husband thinks I may be projecting a little bit, but fuck him! Who's telling this bedtime story. (Every night! Although sometimes I get requests for the Three Pteranodons and the small mammal.)

  7. Bubbles, great idea. I always thought Mama bear's bowl cooled faster because she only had a tiny serving in it because mama bear was on a diet… at least that's how I used to tell the story to my siblings! (8 of them!)

  8. If we're talking about crazy ridiculous fairytale names can I please mention FAIRER-THAN-A-FAIRY (THAT IS HER ACTUAL NAME THAT HER PARENTS GIVE HER, she's not just called that) and her prince RAINBOW. SERIOUSLY HER PRINCE IS NAMED RAINBOW. WHAT.

  9. I say if the prince is named Rainbow, maybe somebody is in drag! That sounds like a GREAT fairytale!

    And yeah, momma bear makes more sense. Maybe they wanted to get kids to sympathize with the baby. Which means they wanted kids to understand “if somebody fucks you over, EAT THEM.” Great moral. I approve.

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