BONUS

(If you are lazy or dont like reading
this chick read this myth out loud for you
here:
ON YOUTUUUUBE)

Okay so I guess you guys posted enough comments
I GUESS
JUST BARELY
so I’ll do your fucking Freyja myth
in fact
I’m gonna do you one better
I’m going to do you a myth
about Freyja
and Thor (whose day i neglected yesterday)
and Loki (who some dude requested)
so BAM
takin’ ALL your requests

speaking of which
you know the thing at the top of this page that says
“I take requests and I punch babies so watch out”
well lately
I have had to double up on my baby-punching
cause there have been NO
FUCKING
REQUESTS
so get on that guys
that is what the comments section is for
Anyway, Freyja-day

But there’s a problem
see
there is some debate in the scholarly community
over whether Frigga
and Freyja
are THE SAME PERSON
some people say they aren’t
well guess what scholars
FUCK YOU
because Freyja has ALL THE INTERESTING STORIES
but I’m pretty sure friday is named after Frigga
so we’re just going to have to make
THE MOST BRUTAL COMPROMISE

So Thor right,

he’s sleeping one night
prolly dreaming about
like
lightning and murder
specifically giantmurder
cause that’s what you do when you’re an aesir
and he wakes up
and is like man that was a good dream
bout to go beat the shit out of some giants
OH SHIT
WHERE IS MY HAMMER
OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DAISIES
LOOOOOKIIIIIIIII

and loki shows up like i didn’t do it
i mean hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
and Loki is like oh shit
I actually seriously didn’t do that
for once
here dude
let me help you find it
let’s go see Freyja

so they go see Freyja
and freyja is like hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and Freya is like shut the fuck up man
we can solve this mystery
Loki did you steal the hammer
and Loki is like nope
and Freyja is like fuck well I’m out of ideas then
and Loki is like WAIT UP
FREYJA
how about you lend me your cloak of feathers
the one that lets you fly
so I can fly over to the land of the giants
and ask them where they hid thor’s hammer
because
as you know
if it wasn’t me
it was definitely the giants

And freyja is like sure man
i trust you absolutely
now that you’ve personally assured me
that you didn’t steal mjolnir
here
take my super valuable cloak
so Loki takes it
and flies all the way to Jotunheim
and surprisingly
FAILS TO STEAL THE CLOAK ANYWHERE ALONG THE WAY
and instead glides right up to the king of the giants
or at least some really rich giant
named Thrym
who is just sitting up on a mountain
with some hounds
on gold leashes
maybe chillin in a champagne jacuzzi i dunno
and he is like yo loki my man whats good
you here to fuck some more large women
and Loki is like
not today my man
hey
you didn’t happen to steal mjolnir did you?
and Thrym is like HAHA YOU GOT ME
AND GUESS WHAT
I BURIED IT
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK
UNLESS I GET TO MARRY FREYJA
SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SUCK IT
AND SEE WHAT COMES OUT
CAUSE IT SURE AIN’T GONNA BE MJOLNIR
NOT UNLESS WHAT YOU PUT IN THAT PIPE IS FREYJA
IN A BRIDAL GOWN
AND THEN YOU PASS THAT PIPE TO ME
JUST LIKE I SAID BEFORE
BUT LESS ABSTRACTLY

So loki flies back to Freyja and Thor
who are both like HOLY SHIT LOKI
DID YOU FORGET TO STEAL THAT CLOAK OR SOMETHING
BECAUSE IT IS STILL CLEARLY ON YOUR BACK
IT IS LIKE YOU ARE SUDDENLY
RESPECTING PEOPLES’ POSSESSIONS AND SHIT
and Loki is like what I don’t steal things
what are you talking about
listen I can get mjolnir back
it’s super easy
here Freyja put on this dress
and then you just gotta go rub your vagina on this giant
just right quick
and bam
free hammer

and Freyja is just like HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
NO
what do you think I am some kind of slut
Thor you do it
and thor is like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
way jose
what do i look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker
some kind of effeminate sonofabitch all prancing around
picking flowers
not crushing woodland creatures
bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH
SHIT WOULD GROW BACK
THAT IS HOW MANLY I AM

and Freyja is like yes thor we all understand
but you know
if you dont get that hammer back
who is going to kill all the giants
no one
those giants are going to remain woefully unkilled
all hanging out over there in jotunheim
with their gold
and champagne baths
and large women
and thor is like I WON’T ALLOW IT
and loki is like so you’ll put on this dress?
and thor is like fuck
FINE

so they pull out ALL the fucking stops
this is like pimp my ride for drag queens right here
they give him a dress
and Freyja’s pretty necklace
and some housekeys
cause apparently there is some tradition
where after the wedding
they lock you out of a house
and you have to get inside
or you’re officially divorced or something
and a veil and all that shit
and Thor just feels
SO
FUCKING
PRETTY
but he won’t let anyone know
cause he’s thor alright

and then Loki gets jealous of how pretty thor is
and is like I wanna dress up too
and Freyja is like alright
you can be her i mean his maid
and go with him
and be like his wingman or whatever
is there a female version of wingman
is it just wingwoman
that sounds kind of awkward
i’m coining a new phrase
titcaptain
tell your friends

so Loki and thor show up at Thrym’s place
and thrym is like aww hell yeah
for many years i have been super rich
but in all that time
i have never been super rich AND married to Freyja
you’re moving up in the world Thrym old boy
here Freyja come into my hall let’s eat
and thor is like
hell
yes
and he eats an entire ox
and then eight salmon
and all the little cakes and shit they can bring him
and chugs a ton of mead
until Thrym is like whoa
whoa baby
might wanna slow down there
and Loki is like no man it’s totally cool
he i mean she didn’t eat for the last eight days
cause she was SO EXCITED
about your DICK
so Thrym is like oh ok

so he thinks about that
and he is like man
i really wanna kiss my bride
i want it real bad guys
here let me take a look at your beautiful
OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
cause see he pulls up thor’s veil
and he sees his eyes
flaming with pure black hatred
and that is not what he is looking for
and he is like MY WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE
and loki is like no man
no its fine
she just hasnt slept for the last eight days
cause she was SO FUCKING EXCITED
about your dick
like i said
honestly i dunno how she’s even alive
except i guess for the whole goddess thing

so then this random chick busts into the room
one of Thrym’s daughters or something
and is like FREYJA GIVE ME A WEDDING GIFT
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED
GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD
and thor is like bitch what the fuck is red gold
what am I a fucking dwarf
hey Thrym I want wedding gift actually
how about some mjolnir over here
and Thrym is like ANYTHING YOU SAY HONEY
and goes and digs up mjolnir
and puts it in Thor’s lap
and thor is like OH IT IS PARTY TIME NOW MOTHERFUCKERS

so he kills thrym
and then all of thrym’s dudes
and then that chick who asked him for gold
just for good measure
and is like WHO’S THE MAN
WHO’S THE MAN
ME RIGHT?
BECAUSE THIS WHOLE THING
HAS MADE ME PRETTY INSECURE
IN MY MASCULINITY
and then he leaves and lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try crossdressing

The end

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12 thoughts on “BONUS

  1. well, i intended to post a comment on the last one encouraging this one. didn't make it in time, but i'm glad others did. as always, a fucking hilarious remythification. keep up the good work..

    heh. titcaptain. hehe.

  2. I have not had the pleasure of reading this blog until tonight.

    My favorite part was this part:

    "so the moral of the story is
    if at first you don't succeed
    try crossdressing"

  3. man I remember this one from D'aulaires

    there is this beautiful picture of thor in a dress

    looking supremely pissed about the fact that he has to do it

  4. The real question here is why does Loki borrow this super special cloak of bird-making? He can shape-shift! That's how he solves like *all* of his problems. Maybe flying is tiring? Maybe her cloak makes him feel pretty? It'll just be a mystery I guess.

  5. Hah, math_camel, I was wondering that about the fact he made Thor pretend to be Freya, as well as the cloak. Maybe he just thought it would be funny.

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