The Frog Prince is So Much Weirder Than I Thought It Was

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Okay where was I

Oh yeah
PRINCESSES
HOW COULD I FORGET
so yeah there’s three princesses right
they’re all pretty blisteringly hot
but there is one princess
the youngest one actually
who is SO HOT
that she gives boners to the SUN
seriously that is part of the story that is not an embellishment
but yeah apparently there’s not much to do when you’re a princess
so the only thing this chick has to amuse herself with
is a ball made out of solid gold
that she repeatedly chucks up in the air and then catches
she doesn’t even play catch with her sisters
presumably they have their own gold balls
and they are all just chilling out in different parts of the palace
throwing balls at the ceiling
that is what you do when you are a princess
this myth makes me happy I’m broke

anyway one day youngest mcprincess is hanging out by some little pond
playing her sad sad game of solitaire catch
when she fucks up and drops the ball into the water
and this pond may be little
but it is deeper than a mineshaft full of philosophers
bitch is not getting that ball back

OR IS SHE
see she’s sitting there crying
louder and louder and LOUDER
when suddenly she hears someone be like alright fuck fine what do you want
and she turns around and BOOM THERE’S A FROG
A TALKING GODDAMN FROG
and surprisingly her first response is not to freak the fuck out
her first response is to explain the problem to him
at which point he’s like psh
grabbin’ balls is what I DO
I’ll totally get your stupid toy for you but you gotta promise me something
and the princess is like ANYTHING
YOU CAN HAVE MY CROWN OR MY BEADS OR MY DRESS OR WHATEVER
and the frog is like hm
while i would like to see you naked
i think i’m going to make you promise to be my best friend forever
like i get to eat with you
and sleep in your bed
and we will be superpals it will be so great
and the princess
who doesn’t know the meaning of friendship because she is functionally an only child
is like SURE I PROMISE

so the frog dives down to the bottom of the pond and grabs the ball
brings it back up
gives it to the princess
and then the princess is like GREAT AWESOME BYE
and runs away before the frog can stop her
not that a frog could ever actually stop a person from doing anything
but you understand what i mean

anyway she gets back home and she’s eating dinner
when suddenly someone starts knocking on the door
all like HEY PRINCESS
HEY YOUNGEST PRINCESS
IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR ME TO CALL OUT FOR YOU IF YOU HAD A FUCKING NAME
and the princess goes to the door and HOLY SHIT IT’S THE FROG
she’s like FUCK HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOCK ON THIS DOOR GO AWAY
and then she slams the door and goes back to dinner
and her dad is like who was that
and the princess is like oh it’s just some frog who can talk
and the king is like oh well that’s reasonable
but so the frog is outside like fuck
how do i get inside this castle to be with my sworn best friend
(the frog also does not understand how friendship works)
but then he’s like OH
I KNOW
I WILL BUST SOME RHYMES
YO CHECK IT OUT
A PROMISE IS A PROMISE AND YOU MADE ONE, SEE
NOW YOU BOUT TO GET SERVED LIKE A MAITRE’D
HOW BOUT SOME RESPECT NOW FOR SAVING YOUR BAUBLE
I BET THAT IT’S NOT THE ONLY BALL THAT YOU GOBBLE
and the king is like hm
some sick flows
I give them a B+
let the frog in

so the frog comes hopping in and he’s like yo princess
are you gonna stand there being a bitch all day
or are you gonna put me up on the table and let me get my grub on
and the princess is like I am kind of digging the bitch option
and the king is like I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DISRESPECTING A RHYMESMITH OF HIS CALIBER
so the frog gets put on the table and he eats a bunch of the princess’s food
and then he’s like oh man i’m pretty tired
how about we go sleep in your bed
and the princess is like EW EW FROGS IN MY BED
and the king is like I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO NOT SLEEP WITH RAPPERS
so the princess carries the frog to her room
and puts him down in the corner
and gets into bed
and the frog hops up to her bed like yo
how about a little of that bed action for me
or i could tell your dad that you have no appreciation for my delirious lyrics
and the princess is like APPRECIATE THIS
and then DASHES HIS BRAINS OUT ON THE FUCKING WALL
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED
WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG
no wait it’s okay
because instead of dying
this random burst of violence turns the frog into a FUCKING GORGEOUS PRINCE
WEREN’T YOU WONDERING WHERE ALL THE PRINCES WERE AT?
THEY WERE INSIDE THE FROG ALL ALONG
and then it turns out the prince’s whole royal entourage is on the way right now
to pick him up because he was under a curse and now it is broken
and also he marries the princess
and then his entourage shows up
lead by a dude name Iron Heinrich
that’s right
IRON HEINRICH
they saved that shit for the very end
the reason he’s called Iron Heinrich is because when his master got frogged
he became SO UPSET
that he worried his heart was ACTUALLY GOING TO EXPLODE
and when you are a motherfucker like Iron Heinrich
you can take out a small township with one well placed heart explosion
it was a serious problem
so what was his solution?
aspirin?
NO ASSHOLE
HE NAILED THREE METAL BANDS AROUND HIS HEART TO KEEP IT IN LINE
THREE
METAL
BAAAAAAAANDS
and as he’s driving the prince away from the palace
to some other palace
there’s this huge breaking sound
and the prince is like OH FUCK WAS THAT THE CARRIAGE
and Iron Heinrich is like NO
IT’S MY HEART
BREAKING THE IRON BANDS I NAILED TO IT
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
then he runs up a mountain and punches the sun right in its boner

so the moral of the story
is try to brutally murder every frog you come across
because one of them is bound to be a prince
and then you can totally cheat on him with his unbelievably manly carriage driver

THE END.

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Grettir the Strong Wrecks Dudes’ Faces

Shirts are in the mail!
if you preordered a crossdressing shirt
make sure to dig around in your envelope for your thank you note
they are handcrafted and dripping with organic gratitude

SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire
punches kids in the head
and for some reason has a really bad reputation in Norway
AND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastime
and Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einar
he’s all yo dude lemme crash in your house
and Einar is all i’d rather not
I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphans
and Grettir is like whoa dude
that sounds like something an orphan would say
my orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchy
and einar is like I made a pile of all the beds
take them
do whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einar
because
in the words of this saga:
“in many parts of norway at this time
outlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”
that’s right
this is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legends
so everyone is just chilling out
going about their business
when BAM
CRIMINALS
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
WHO KNOWS
THERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILL
CONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS
(if you have never played gauntlet
let me explain it real quick
it is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time on
that contains absolutely no fun
sort of like mashed potatoes
it’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your bros
but when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problem
anyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)
so these criminals have names
pretty sure
but i’m not picking up the book to look them up
it doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they die
let me explain to you how that happens
because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posse
like yo Einar
word on the street is that your wife has a vagina
and I was just telling my crew the other day
vaginas are my bread and butter
and I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vagina
and Einar is like now normally I would say yes
but only if you were asking me a completely different question about something else
and this brigand is like ok well option two
I stab your face off
and Einar is like these are not great options you are giving me
i think I need to consult with my resident badass
HEY GRETTIR
and grettir is like wut
I was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some bees
maybe kick some bears in the nuts
nothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edge
and Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?
and Grettir is like oh him?
dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go away
and Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face off
at which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFF
and Grettir is like dude chill out
we are not fighting dudes
are are all real groovy pacifists or whatever
and the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your ass
and grettir is like
“What is tested is known”
which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of
“That is not what your mom said last night”
and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stalling
so he does what any reasonable person would do in this situation
he starts EATING HIS SHIELD
he just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he can
and gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I mean
if you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert
and I am not letting you near my shields
anyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?
because he just walks over to the berserker
checks him out for a second
then SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACE
and then as if that wasn’t enough
he grabs what’s left of the dude’s head
pulls him off his horse
steals his sword
and then decapitates him with it
all in the space of like three seconds
at which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their heads
and they get the fuck out of there
and Grettir is like should I chase them?
nahhhh
and he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforward
don’t put weapons in your mouth
i feel like you guys could have figured that out on your own
but if that’s true
then why did anyone bother writing this myth?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

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Grettir the Strong Sets Dudes on Fire

so here’s a myth today
to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterday
WOO
also:
most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hours
but if you ordered a purple,
a light blue,
a light green,
a medium white,
or a medium or XL pink,
the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrow
because my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitch
ANYWAY
today’s myth comes from a book
which was purchased for me by human machine gun
CHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dude
but like old-style Norwiegan
with all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold water
and not being in a death metal band
because he is too busy being in a death metal LIFE
Grettir means Snake by the way
and his full name
and by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attached
is GRETTIR THE STRONG
so Snake the Strong
so Solid Snake
excellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger story
which is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stomps
but also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turn
seriously this dude has the luck of the Irish
during the potato famine
too soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchants
who the fuck knows where he’s going
probably he is trying to hit up king Olaf
you remember
the guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogs
he’s kind of related to Olaf or something?
to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecock
lotta horsecocks in Norway
but yeah he’s on this boat
and everyone on this boat is cold
because that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norway
and they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICE
and then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bay
and there’s a BIGASS FIRE over there
and they’re like MAN
WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIRE
and Grettir is sitting there like MAN
wouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?
and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSY
PUSSY
and Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSY
but I have a bad feeling about this
like I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luck
and you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fire
and the merchants are like NONSENSE
GO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thing
which is strip naked
and put on just some pants
and a cowl
which is like a robe but just for your face
and then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATER
and he swims across the bay
and jumps out
and runs up to the place where the dudes are at
and woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstory
apparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorir
which seems to be a pretty popular name in these parts
because people wanna be named after Thor
and if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEM
Thorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solid
because they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?
so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the fire
his cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshape
he’s huge
he looks like a fucking troll
and everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLL
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGS
so everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shit
because he’s fucking FROZEN
and in the process they set their own hall on fire
but Grettir doesn’t notice that
because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fire
and then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddies
and they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudes
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
EVERYONE GOT FIRED
there is just some bones and some ashes and whatever
and the merchants are like GRETTIR
WHAT DID YOU DO
and Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
and then the merchants devote all their time from that day on
to telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshit
and he goes and hits up King Olaf like yo
perhaps you have heard of me?
and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning
right?
and Grettir is like WRONG
I came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshit
and Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with you
I don’t think you burned any dudes
but it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shit
we don’t have cameras or police
or like
a judicial system
so how about we make you hold a red hot iron bar
like in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokids
and if it burns you we know you’re guilty
and Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned off
by like praying and not eating any food and whatever
and then the hand-burny day arrives
and he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burned
when this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to him
like OY
OY
GRETTIR
YOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
then he actually gives him the finger
that is a direct quote from the text
apparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norway
but they had enough of them to give away
but so this pisses off Grettir so much
that he punches the kid in the head and the kid dies
at which point everybody starts punching everybody
and then Olaf is like Grettir
buddy
I was trying to help you out
with some red hot iron for your hands
not much I can do when you start using those hands for punching
and Grettir is like COME ON MAN
GIMME ANOTHER SHOT
and Olaf is like naw man no can do
you are one unlucky son of a bitch
looks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever now
so go ahead and just get the fuck out of here
go to Iceland
I think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or something
so that’s fun
and Grettir is like FINE
I’m LEAVING

so the moral of the story
you can’t get absolved for murder
if during your murder trial
you keep murdering people
or
to be more concise
you can’t have your cake and murder it too

THE END

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The Tuatha De Know How to Fight a Fucking War

I took that fucking banner ad of the top of the page
cuz it made it look like someone was shitting directly into my website
and i felt like a whore
but it’s okay
because towering obelisk of masculinity Guns “Huge Dick” Fistheart
has made me into a much classier kind of whore by commissioning this tale of violence
(oh also if anyone who reads this shit goes to either SDSU
or SAIC
let me know which school i should go to)

Okay so there’s these dudes called the Tuatha De
and they spend a lot of time on some islands around Ireland
learning all the magic and getting all the cool shit
like some spear and a bigass foodpot
and whatever other kind of mystical nonsense people used to fill their houses with
before televisions and parking tickets and toddlers
anyway they get their shit set up pretty legit-like
and they just show up in Ireland and fucking murder everyone and take over
but in the process their chillest dude
whose name is Nuadu
gets his hand cut off
I mean it’s okay though
actually BETTER than ok
because they have some medical wizard named Dian Cecht
who just makes him a brand new hand out of FUCKING SILVER
and it works like a real live robot hand
totally ripping off Army of Darkness but that’s ok
but then Dian Cecht’s son doesn’t think a sweet robot hand is good enough
and starts trying to heal Nuadu’s old hand
and so his dad is like FUCK YOU SON
and hits him in the head with a sword
and his son heals himself
so Dian Cecht hits him HARDER
and this KEEPS HAPPENING
until finally his son is dead
and a bunch of herbs grow on his grave
but Dian Cecht mixes them all up so no one knows what the fuck any of them do
DIAN CECHT IS THE MOST SPITEFUL FUCKING DOCTOR I HAVE EVER HEARD OF

but so apparently getting one of your hands chopped off
makes you ineligible to be king
even if you have a totally sweet robo hand to replace your missing hand with
so they’re like fuck
Nuadu can’t be king
what do we do
oh i know
let’s just get this stupidass pretty-boy son of the king of a rival nation
to be our king
this could not possibly be disastrous
this kid’s name is Bres
which is just one or two or three letters from being Breasts
and let me tell you
that is the only good thing about this guy

BUT HOLD ON LEMME EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT BORN CAUSE IT’S PRETTY FUNNY
basically the chick who would one day become his mom is sitting in her castle
and she looks out at the ocean and she sees a ship or something
only then she looks closer and it is actually just some DUDE
coming across the water like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
totally blinged right the fuck out
and he charges right up to this chick and she is like what do you want
and he is like TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
and then they bang
and he gives her a ring
i guess as payment?
and then he leaves and she has this kid
and that dude is the king of the Fomoire
which is that rival kingdom that is gonna cause all the problems in this story

so anyway Bres becomes king
and he is a shitty king
no one likes him and he sucks real bad

BUT HOLD ON
LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER DUDE DAGDA REAL QUICK
BECAUSE THIS TALE I AM TELLING IS RIDDLED WITH FUCKING TANGENTS
okay so basically Dagda is some righteous badass who works for Bres initially
and he works with some shitty hack writer who has a mouth in the middle of his chest
and every day that asshole is like HEY DAGDA GIMME YOUR THREE BEST PIECES OF FOOD
and Dagda is basically starving to death because
LIKE AN IDIOT
he keeps giving the dude his food
so finally some other dude comes up to him and is like dude
just fucking put some gold coins in your food
and then that will be the best food
and then that asshole will choke on the coins and die
and for some reason that makes murder legal
AND IT WORKS
AND ACTUALLY DAGDA EVEN GETS A PRETTY SWEET COW OUT OF THE DEAL
ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY

so all the Tuatha De motherfuckers finally go to Bres and they’re like dude
you’re a shitty king
you’re basically starving the fuck out of us
and like
generally being a twat
how about step the fuck off the throne
and Bres is like ok that’s fair
but can i be king for seven more years first?
and the dudes are like sure whatever we’re not in any hurry

EXCEPT THE PROBLEM IS
BRES INTENDS TO USE THESE SEVEN YEARS TO GATHER A HUGE FUCKING ARMY
SO HE CAN KEEP BEING KING INDEFINITELY
so he goes to his mom and he’s like mom
when dad charged across the ocean to fuck the shit out of you all those years ago
which direction did he come from
and his mom is like THAT WAY
so Bres goes and hits up the kingdom of the Fomoires
and he’s like hey dad i got kicked out of that kingdom i was king of
and his dad is like what do you want me to do about it
and Bres is like lemme use your army to take it back
and his dad is like dude if you can’t fucking rule the kingdom then why should i
but honestly I’ve got nothing better to do so sure
here’s a bunch of champions
please be as irresponsible as possible

so meanwhile the Tuatha De back in Ireland are like FUUUUUUCK
why did we let this little shit be king for seven more years
that was seriously poor foresight on our part
but it’s cool because suddenly some hero shows up at their castle
(by the way Nuadu gets to be king now finally
I guess because after years of really shitty corrupt rulership
suddenly having a sweet-ass cyborg president doesn’t seem so bad
and yeah i know he’s a king not a president
but say cyborg president to yourself a few times out loud
and i think you will agree
it is a mega sweet thing to say)
anyway this hero is called Lug
I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be Lugh the long-handed
but i am frankly too lazy to check
regardless he is a pretty legit individual
because see he shows up at the gate
and the gatekeeper is like YOU CAN’T COME IN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROFESSION
and Lug is like well i’m a builder
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BUILDER
so Lug is like I’M A BLACKSMITH
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BLACKSMITH
and Lug is like CARPENTER
and the gatekeeper is like WE GOT ONE
CHAMPION
WE GOT ONE
WARRIOR
WE GOT ONE
SORCEROR
WE GOT ONE
DOCTOR?
WE GOT ONE AND HE IS INCREDIBLY SPITEFUL
and Lug is like ok fine
but do you have a dude who is ALL OF THESE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the gatekeeper is like fuck i guess not
come in
and then Lug comes in and Nuadu is like fuck
dude you have so many professions
i think you should be king instead of me
so now suddenly Lug is king

so then they gather a whole bunch of druids and shit together
to talk about how they are going to deal with Bres’s jackassery
and they spend like THREE YEARS talking about this
and finally they are like ok here’s what we’re going to do:
we are going to use magic to completely fuck them over
like they won’t be able to find water and shit
it’s gonna be great
not sure why it took us three years to come up with USE MAGIC TO WIN
but it did and we aren’t getting that time back so we might as well deal with it

MEANWHILE DAGDA IS OFF DOING WEIRD FOOD SHIT AGAIN
see they send him to go say what’s up to the Fomoires
and on the way he plays hide the sausage with the Morrigan up on top of some mountain
where she is bathing
honestly the Morrigan sounds super hot
but i would not want to bang her
because like my grandfather always used to say
never stick your dick in crazy
anyway Dagda goes to the Fomoires and he’s like hey dudes
lemme just chill with you for a bit and maybe don’t kill me?
and they’re like sure
but you have to eat a massive pot of your FAVORITE FOOD
(porridge)
we are going to make it all and then pour it in a ditch
and if you don’t eat all of it we will kill you
and so Dagda busts out his special porridge ladel
which is like as big as my nuts
which are huge
and he eats ALL OF THAT FUCKING PORRIDGE
and then passes out on the ground
and everyone laughs at him and uploads a bunch of compromising photos to facebook
and then he wakes up and he’s like fuck this i’m going home
but he looks like a fucking idiot because his belly is sticking out of his shirt
and so is his ass
but in the other direction
and his massive dong is dragging on the ground
I’m not making this up this is how the story goes
anyway suddenly some chick ambushes him and beats the shit out of him
literally she beats the shit out of him
like she manhandles him so hard he shits himself
and he is lying in a pool o’ poop and he is like what the fuck
i really want to bang you but i am impotent because of how much food i just ate
and she is like NO TIME FOR THAT
CARRY ME HOME ON YOUR BACK FOR SOME REASON
and he is like ok just lemme finish shitting
and then he does and she gets on his back
and she makes a mistake and her pubes start poking out
which just instantly leads to her and Dagda having sex
and then she’s like hey Dagda
you know that war you’re about to fight in
don’t do it
I will turn into rocks and trees and shit to prevent you from doing it
and Dagda is like bitch don’t tell me to not fight wars
i am going to make a point of ruining every rock and tree i come across now
in case one of them is you
WHAT A LOVELY ANECDOTE

so meanwhile war is about to happen
and Lug is being the battle commander dude
and he is asking everyone how they plan to win the battle
and basically the answer is
WE ARE GOING TO USE A BUNCH OF REALLY UNFAIR MAGIC
like seriously after I was done reading all the fucking magic they planned to do
i was like why not just end the story here
i mean how is Formoire supposed to win when fire is raining from the sky
and they can’t find water
and the ground is turning into zombies
and no one they kill even fucking dies?
that’s BLATANTLY UNFAIR
WHAT THE FUCK TUATHA DE
WAY TO RUIN THE SUSPENSE

but anyway yeah the battle starts
and Nuadu doesn’t want Lug to go into battle
because Lug has WAY TOO MANY TALENTS
but Lug is like fuck that and goes battling anyway
and meanwhile spiteful asshole extraoidinaire Dian Cecht and his medical wizard pals
are chucking wounded dudes into this big well they found
and healing all of them
and also the blacksmith and the carpenter and stuff are making like
a million spears a minute
so Formoire sends a spy to go into the Tuatha De camp
and ask their super expert blacksmith for a spear
and then use the spear to kill the blacksmith
but then they just chuck the blacksmith in the well and he gets healed
so then Formoire decides to just fill up the well with rocks
and for some reason they are totally successful in doing this
AND THEN THE REAL BATTLE BEGINS

so everyone is murdering each other SO HARD
like seriously a benny hill style massacre
dudes all slipping in profusions of blood
cartoon sound effects as motherfuckers rip each others hearts out with their teeth
it’s very heartwarming
but the Formoires have a secret weapon
which is this dude Balor
whose eyeball fell into a vat of evil contact lens fumes and turned into medusa
and in order to open it he has to lift this bigass gold ring
he’s a giant by the way i think
or at least he has a giant eye
maybe he just has like a wheelbarrow for his distended eye
that would be cool/horrible
but anyway right as he’s about to unleash his wretched eyebeams
Lug rolls up and just chucks a spear at him so hard
it catapults his eyeball out the back of his head
and paralyzes Balor’s entire army instead
at which point there’s some poet on Balor’s side who is just like OK OK
WHO KILLED BALOR
and Lug is like ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S WHO
and the poet is like ALRIGHT
WELL
LET’S YELL BATTLE STATISTICS AT EACH OTHER
and Lug is like OK COOL
so they start yelling about how many people were killed
but not in a straightforward way
they do it with COMPLICATED ARITHMETICAL EQUATIONS
WHICH I WAS TOO TIRED TO CALCULATE
SO HERE’S HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED ACCORDING TO THIS FUCKING LEGEND:
3+ 3 x 20 + 50 x 100 + 20 x 100 + 3 x 50 + 9 x 5 + 4 x 20 x 1000 + 8 + 8 x 20 + 7
+ 4 x 20 + 6 + 4 x 20 + 5 + 8 x 20 + 2 + 40 noblemen
PLUS
7 + 7 x 20 x 20 x 100 x 100 + 90 POOR PEOPLE NO ONE CARES ABOUT
WHO COUNTS CASUALTIES THIS WAY?
THE FUCKING MATHEMAGICIAN
THAT’S WHO
AND I DON’T THINK HE EXISTED IN ANCIENT IRELAND
THEY HAD WAY BETTER WIZARDS
LIKE THE WIZARDS THAT SET YOU ON FIRE
AND THE WIZARDS THAT TURN YOU INTO A CYBORG AND THEN DECAPITATE THEIR SONS

anyway yeah then the morrigan shows up for the fleshreaping
and she starts going on and on about how the future is really fucking bleak
and then i guess everyone kind of gets bored of listening to her talk
and wanders away
because that’s where the story ends
so that’s a great note to end on

so I guess the moral of the story
is fuck bitches
get wizards

THE END

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Everyone in Ireland is a Dick

First off lemme just give a fearful gibbering shoutout
to tech-savvy ogrebeast Marrowcrusher MacDredd
for funding my porn addiction by commissioning this myth about some assholes

LET THE ASSHOLES BEGIN

so there’s this dude Lugh the Long-handed right
i think i mentioned him before
but what i still don’t understand
is why he is called the long-handed
is that a desirable trait?
i mean i could see wanting to have long arms
like if you are the law or an octopus or whatever
but long hands?
it just seems like you would need special forks
BUT LOOK THAT ISN’T THE POINT

the point is one day Lugh is riding around on his horse trying to save some dude
or rather some dude’s possessions
the dude’s name is Bodb Dearg
maybe it is actually a city and not a dude
probably it is a city
but who gives a shit
anyway the dudes that stole it are called Fomor
who the fuck comes up with all these names
why don’t we just call them what they are
the assholes and some other assholes
anyway Lugh is riding after the assholes to get the other assholes’ shit back
and he runs into his dad and his dad’s two brothers
his dad’s name is Caitn and the other two dudes are totally irrelevant
and they are like sup Lugh whatcha doin
and Lugh is like trying to get some shit back
and they are like oh sweet can we help
and he’s like yeah
can you gather some more assholes to help me with this shit
and they are like YESSS
so Lugh keeps riding after the other assholes
and these assholes split up to try and find as many other assholes as they can

So Cainte ends up going north
and running into these three HUGE assholes
the three sons of Tuireann
who hate the SHIT out of Cainte and his brothers
and Cainte is like fuck this i better hide
so he takes out his druid stick
which is basically like the sonic screwdriver of ancient ireland
and he hits himself in the face with it and turns into a pig and goes and hides with some other pigs
at which point the sons of Tuireann are like hey
did you see some jackass turn himself into a pig just now?
yeah
he’s probably up to no good
let’s stab him
so they do
and then Cainte turns into a dude again and is like any chance of not killing me?
and they are all like NOPE
and in fact then they kill him by throwing rocks at him
also this pisses off nature so much that they have to bury him SEVEN TIMES
before the ground stops shitting him back out
SO THAT’S FUN

meanwhile Lugh catches up with the Fomor dudes
and he is like hey wanna give all of Bodb Dearg’s shit back
and they are like nope
and Lugh is like ok cool have it your way
and he waits 3 days for all the other assholes to show up
and then they just straight wreck the shit out of Fomor
to the point where some important Fomor dudes are like hey Lugh
if you let us go now
we promise to come back later and attack you again
this time with ALL OUR GUYS
and Lugh is like DEAL
SERIOUSLY
THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE SORT OF DEALS YOU SHOULD MAKE GUYS

so then the battle is over and Lugh is like oh man i feel great
i would love nothing more than to give my loving father a great big hug
where is he by the way
DEAD YOU SAY?
UNACCEPTABLE
WHO DID THIS
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE HIS MORTAL ENEMIES THE SONS OF TUIREANN?
OF COURSE IT IS
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE EARTH STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME THAT SHIT

so everyone is getting shitfaced and partying and junk
and Lugh calls them all together like dudes
my father is dead
how many people think that is shitty
and everyone raises their hands
including the Tuireann jackasses
and Lugh is like how many people agree
that I should murder the shit out of the dudes that murdered my dad
and again everyone raises their hands
and Lugh is like ok who did it
it’s ok you can tell me
and the Tuireann guys are like fuck fine
it was us
and Lugh is like oh ok sweet
so how about instead of killing you i just ask you to run a couple errands for me
i have kinda been meaning to go grocery shopping but i got distracted by wars
so if you could just get me like
three apples
and a spear
and a pig skin
and a chariot and a couple horses
and seven pigs
and a puppy
and a roasting spit
and three shouts on a hill
i think we can call it even
sound good?
and the sons of Tuireann are like that sounds TOO GOOD
and Lugh is like PROMISE YOU’LL DO IT
and they’re like fine
we promise
and Lugh is like HAHAHAHA ASSHOLES
EAT FINE PRINT
THOSE APPLES I WANT?
BASICALLY THE GOLDEN APPLES OF THE HESPERIDES
AND THE PIG SKIN IS MAGIC OBVIOUSLY
AND THE SPEAR IS ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE CHARIOT AND THE HORSES AND THE PIGS AND THE DOG
ALSO THE SPIT IS OWNED BY A FUCKTON OF WITCHES
oh and ps you have to go shout on top of this specific hill
that is guarded by some big jerks who trained my dad
who you killed remember
and who are sworn to prevent people from shouting on top of that hill
so that won’t be easy either
and the Tuireann dudes are like WELP
GUESS WE MIGHT AS WELL START GETTING FUCKED OVER IMMEDIATELY
so they get the fuck out of ireland to find all of this stupid crap

so the first stop is that apples place
they show up there and there are all these knights and giants guarding it
and two of the dudes
who have names with too many letters
are like LET’S JUST CHARGE THEM AND GET KILLED
but the third one
whose name is Brian
is like no idiots
let’s just use our druid sticks
come on
everyone has these
why are they not part of your problem solving protocol
so they use their druid sticks and BAM they are birds
they swoop in and steal apples
and then some ospreys or something start chasing them with lightning
but it’s ok because they turn into swans
PERFECT

so next they gotta go to some king and steal his magic healing pigskin
so they decide to pose as poets
here is the problem
they are shitty poets
except for Brian but he’s pretty competent at everything
anyway they show up at the king’s place and they are like WE ARE POETS
and the king is like AWESOME I WAS JUST WISHING I HAD SOME POETS
COME IN EAT MY FOOD DRINK MY DRINK
so they go inside and immediately start getting smashed
and the king is like hey
recite some poems
and Brian’s brothers are like durr uhh
and Brian is like fine i got this
ahem:

YO YO YO YO YO
I HEAR YOU GOT A PIGSKIN
GIMME DAT PIGSKIN

and the king is like excellent poem
what is it about
and Brian is like it is about that pigskin you have
and how you should give it to me
and the king is like i’m sorry dude
that poem was really great but i don’t give that pigskin to anybody
how about instead I fill the pigskin with gold THREE TIMES
and give you all that gold
JESUS CHRIST GUYS
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN SHITTY POETRY WAS THIS LUCRATIVE?
LIKE YOU COULD JUST STROLL INTO SOMEONE’S ABODE AND BE LIKE
HEY HEY HEY
GIMME ALL YOUR SWAG
AND BAM
INSTANT RICHES?!
BRB GUYS GONNA GO LIVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES REAL QUICK
so anyway Brian is like sure works for me
except then when they bring out the pigskin for to measure shit
he and his brothers just kill everyone and steal it
EXCELLENT WORK GUYS

so next stop is speartowne
somewhere in persia
they’re like well hey
the poet thing worked once before
let’s try that again
so they show up as poets
and Brian is like hey king
i wrote you a poem
ahem:

BOY DO I LIKE SPEARS
I HEARD YOU MIGHT HAVE A SPEAR
HAND THAT SHIT OVER
(this is my contribution to national poetry month)

but the king is like not so fast son
you can’t just prance in here with your fancy hair ribbons and your silver tongue
and expect me to start bathing you in bitches and riches
get the fuck out of my house
and Brian is like woops
plan B
MURDER YOU WITH THE APPLE I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND
and then between the three of them they kill everyone in court
and steal the spear
which has to be constantly kept in water so it doesn’t burn the house down
SUCCESS

next up: get some fucking horses and a chariot to strap them to
they decide to slightly alter they MO for this one
and pretend to be soldiers instead of poets
so really not so much pretending
as just showing up like sup
we are soldiers
can we work for you
and the king is like SURE AWESOME
but the Tuireann bros work there for like a MONTH
and they never even catch a GLIMPSE of a chariot
so finally they are like fuck this we’re leaving
as a result of your failure to produce horses
and the king is like whoa guys
why didn’t you just ask to see the horses?
i show those fuckers to anyone who expresses even the remotest interest
and I like you guys
everyone here likes and trusts you guys
here is the chariot and here are the horses
at which point Brian and co murder everyone and take the loot
THE SONS OF TUIREANN:
PERHAPS NOT THE MOST COURTEOUS GUESTS

so at this point word has kind of gotten around
that these dudes keep showing up and ruining kingdoms
so when they show up as this dude Easal’s palace
like hey we are warriors/poets here to kill/serenade you
Easal is like OK GUYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT JUST TAKE IT
and they are like we just want 7 magic pigs
and Easal is like WHATEVER GUYS
THEY’RE JUST SOME FUCKING MAGIC PIGS
NOT WORTH GETTING MURDERED OVER
and the Tuireann guys are like wow
we just accomplished something and we didn’t even have to kill ANYONE
this feels weird

so they feast a bunch and then the next day they are like WELP
off to go steal the ultimate puppy from some other king
and Easal is like oh shit my daughter is MARRIED to that other king
bring me with you so i can talk him out of getting murdered by you
and Brian is like sounds good
so they all get on a boat together and go to wherever this nonsense is happening
and Easal goes up to the king like dude
you have two options here
get murdered
or give them a fucking DOG
be smart about this
and the king is like NOPE
so then there’s a huge battle
only instead of killing the king Brian just ties him up and waves him around
like a screaming white flag of emasculation
and then they get the dog

so Lugh has been using his long-hand size druidic crystal ball
to spy on these dudes this whole time
wicked witch of the west style
and he is like oh look
they just got all the things that I actually WANTED
lemme just go ahead and cast a spell that makes them forget all the other shit
before they fuck something up and die too early
so Brian and friends are suddenly like oh man we’re done
let’s go home
and they go home
and Lugh is kind of avoiding them for some reason
like he goes to this city called Teamhair
which makes me think of a game of shirts versus skins basketball
except instead of team shirts and team skins
it is Team Hair and Team Nohair
oh god that just turned so creepy in my head

anyway the finally track Lugh down and they’re like hey
dude
we got your shit for you
and Lugh is like THAT’S ONLY LIKE HALF OF MY SHIT
WHERE’S THE SUPERFLUOUS ROASTING SPIT
ALSO I DON’T HEAR ANYONE SHOUTING ON TOP OF ANY FUCKING HILLS
and the sons of Tuireann are like OH FUCK
HOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THOSE THINGS
let’s go get them

so first they go get that roasting spit
but the problem is that it’s on an island and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE ISLAND IS
they have to look for it for like 3 fucking months
and finally Brian gets fed up and dives into the water to go find it by swimming
seriously i’m not just having Brian do everything because i like typing his name
his brothers are fucking worthless
they are pretty much either killing people
or sitting around choking on their own fucking saliva
anyway Brian finds the island
with all the chicks on it
and he sees the roasting spit
and he’s just like fuck it
how about i just take it
so he picks it up and starts walking away
but the chicks are just like HAHA FAT CHANCE
THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF US AND WE’RE MAGIC OR SOMETHING
BUT WE ADMIRE YOUR RETARDED AUDACITY SO YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST TAKE IT
WHATEVER
so DING DING DING another task solved thanks to GUMPTION

now there is only one thing left
and that is to go shout on a hill
so they land their boat next to the hill
and some dude comes running down the hill
like YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO SHOUT ON THIS HILL
and brian is like YOU BETTER NOT GET STABBED BY MY SWORD
but he is actually using reverse psychology
because then he stabs the shit out of that dude
BUT OH NO
HERE COME THREE MORE DUDES
SO NOW EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT
and so all six dudes who are involved in this bloodfest get stabbed with spears
and the Tuireann bros win obviously
but not before getting mortally wounded
so they’re all lying at the base of the hill
and Brian is like COME ON GUYS
WE GOTTA GO SHOUT ON TOP OF THIS HILL
and the other two are like sorry dude
too busy dying
and Brian is like FUCK THAT
and picks everyone up
and they do a mortally wounded three-legged deathrace to the top of the hill
where they shout three times
and then fall down and roll back to their boat

so shit looks pretty grim
but remember how they got that magic pigskin that heals all wounds earlier?
so Brian gets the bright idea to go ask Lugh if they can use that for a second
and they sail back to Teamhair
and one of Brian’s brothers goes in
and asks Lugh if they can borrow the pigskin real quick
and Lugh is like NOPE
and Brian hears this and is like fuuuuck
here
carry me in there
see if I can convince him
i’m the one that actually does things
and he goes in there and is like Lugh
seriously
we got all your stupid shit
it would literally cost you nothing to save our lives right now
and Lugh is like hold on i’m getting another call
oh it’s my dad
I’m sorry dad what’s that you say
it’s hard to hear you because BRIAN AND HIS SHITTY BROTHERS FUCKING MURDERED YOU
and Brian is like fine ok i get it
and then he and his brothers die
and they are buried together

so yeah
the sons of Tuireann were assholes
but in the end
it was Lugh who was the real asshole
which just goes to show
that when you are surrounded on all sides by assholes
sometimes the biggest asshole
was inside you all along

THE END

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Cuchulainn is the megatron of killing people

desperate sweaty thankyou
to human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinson
for hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal myth
and also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this post
PS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to me
that would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?
ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?
BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
AND HAND THEM TO YOU
ALL OF YOU
ALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstory
cause there are these two swineherds right
they belong to these two different gods who don’t really matter
but they hate each other SO MUCH
they keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each other
you know
instead of herding swine
don’t give your swineherds superpowers guys
this is the kind of shit that happens
productivity goes WAY DOWN
anyway they turn into birds or whatever
and then they get careless and some cows eat them
and thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLS
there is a white one and a brown one
and the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster
(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)
and the white one gets taken by this chick Medb
who rules the kingdom of Connacht
except the bull is sexist
and decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husband
which is problematic because apparently in Celtic households
whoever has more money makes the rules
and Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit on
not about to lose that privelege
so she is like OY
KING OF ULSTER
I AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHS
COST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULL
and the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSS
but then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guys
like haha joke’s on that asshole
if he said no we were just gonna take the bull anyway
and the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAT
and Medb is like ok fine
hurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on you
AND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulster
because due to some hilarious curse
all of the warriors in the whole damn place
are laid up with ultimate menstrual cramps
because they pissed off some sorceress or whatever
so Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSURED
but actually
victory is not assured
because remember
Cuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right now
and Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPS
OBVIOUSLY
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPS
HE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN
AND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNS
AND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPE
JUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM
who can do anything about this incoming invasion
but whoops
he kind of forgets
and starts having a bunch of sex
but then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMY
and he is like it’s cool guys i got this
and just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBAT
ONE AT A TIME
AT A RIVER
BECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODY
oh man i don’t think i ever told you guys
Cuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOES
ALSO FOURTEEN PUPILS
WHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?
BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITS
but anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudes
and Cuchulainn keeps murdering them
and this goes on for a WHILE
some people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those people
but anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJURED
and he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancing
and he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulster
just charge at that whole army and get MASSACRED
and then Cuchulainn is like wait a second
I have two options here
I can lie here like bleeding
like a PUSSY
OR
I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE
I CHOOSE OPTION B
and this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friends
there is a thing in this legend
called the warp spasm
and it is like a combination of footage from transformers
voltron
and an american werewolf in london
NOW WITH MORE BLOOD
let me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of all
his legs turn backwards
I have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampage
but apparently you need your knees on the same side as your butt
also your feet and shins apparently
i guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONT
but that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his face
in fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADS
and they are all moving around and flexing
and then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head
until it disappears
and then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking face
I have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous rage
but i guess apparently it does
also his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking ears
and his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throat
along with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIRE
oh yeah
and now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULL
STRAIGHT UP
JUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOOD
FIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR
MY FRIENDS
IF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KING
AND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABY
WHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATE
AND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME
THE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HERE
oh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people
in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALP
also he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshit
which ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the army
and leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two options
stay here and get killed
or run away and still probably get killed
but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has become
so they start running the fuck away
along with Medb
but BAM
right at this very moment
MEDB GETS HER PERIOD
KAPOW
NATUREBULLET TO THE COOTER
and she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GOD
and Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOU
WAIT
NO
KILLING WOMEN IS WRONG
THERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DO
AND THAT IS KILL WOMEN
EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFORE
so he lets her go
and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behind
and eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual cramps
and run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left over
and no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story is
fuck plastic surgery
the uglier you are
the badder your ass

THE ENDDDDDDDD

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Cuchulainn Rapes His Way To Success

So first off i just want to say whats up
to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog
over the past couple days
thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit
I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME
so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos
where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk
well I have wanted to do something with them for a while
but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking
is anyone good at animating stuff?
because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated
if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you
60/40
WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT
Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations
even though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guy
who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines
rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND
well this myth takes place earlier in his life
back when he still had all his intestines in his body
see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer
so her dad
FORGAL THE WILY
is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter
so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad
and hangs out for like ten minutes
to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING
like this dude is winning at JUMPING
and SWIMMING
and FISTS
and BAKING
and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit
if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well
I can’t have that
luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass
I have a plan
HEY CUCHULAINN
and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT
and in the process he wins at yelling
and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do
go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach
she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit
that will definitely murder you
and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you
and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homies
Laegaire Battle Winner
and Connall the Victorious
except both of them puss out almost immediately
and are like sorry dude gotta go uh
wash our beards
yes
which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames
by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES
but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal with
is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass
that can like impale your feet and give you aids
guys this is either some kind of magic
or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment
but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet
Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD
so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen
if it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it
but he just grabs those fuckers
and stuffs them down each others’ throats
basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder
murducken
you’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE
because then there is this bridge
it is the shittiest bridge ever
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT
THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES
IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE
THAT’S BASICALLY JUST
A SHITTY LADDER
but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge
and he is like no problem i can handle this
but it turns out nope
no he can’t handle this
he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure
until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS
and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE
I wish I could draw you a picture of this
because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place
and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok
i’ll train you
so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter
then she finishes training him
and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior
how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine
i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA
it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs
you should steal it
and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE
but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife
although honestly
i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends
because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife
I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough
so he rapes her
and then she gets pregnant
and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go
dammit what happened to my gae bulga
CUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude
so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible
which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name
or who his parents are
and then when he’s like 13 or whatever
Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad
so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place
and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you
but the kid can’t say
you know
BECAUSE OF MAGIC
so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION
and the kid still can’t say shit
and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT
ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU
so he does
but then it turns out he just killed his son
PRANKED
some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge
but i prefer to think of this
as a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the story
is sometimes actions have consequences
but that only matters
if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

THE END

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So It Turns Out Animals Are Less Worthless Than I thought

Alright so japan is apparently full of talking animals
as this story will prove
also other weird shit
SO:

there’s an old man and an old woman
this seems to be a running theme in these stories
except that in this case
the wife is not a huge bitch
and the husband is not an irresponsible jackass
so this is a pretty fucking well adjusted family by any standard
and one day
the wife is washing clothes in the river
i guess cause their washing machine is broken or something
and she finds a peach
floating in the river i guess
and she is like THIS WILL MAKE A LOVELY SNACK FOR MY HUSBAND
and she brings it home
but PLOT TWIST
IT IS NOT A PEACH IT IS A BABY
or rather a peach-shaped egg that a baby hatches out of
so they are sitting around the table like holy shit what do we do
well i guess we kind of have to feed it and shit
let’s name it Momotaro
AKA PEACHBABY

so peachbaby grows up and gets a bunch of shitty ideas
and one of those ideas is to go rough up all the ogres that live nearby
and steal all their shit
so he is like hey mom hey dad
i’m gonna go do something recklessly stupid in a minute
can you make me some dumplings out of birdseed?
and his mom is like sure honey whatever you want

so this kid sets off with a bag full of dumplings
and a head full of idiot
and basically the first thing that happens is he gets ambushed by a monkey
all like HEY HEY HEY
HEY HEY HEY
I’LL HELP YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME OGRES IF YOU GIVE ME A DUMPLING
THIS SEEMS LIKE A GREAT DEAL TO ME
and peachbaby is like yeah sure
so then the monkey starts following him
and then a pheasant shows up like OY OY OY
OY OY OY
I WILL ALSO HELP YOU FUCK UP SOME OGRES IN EXCHANGE FOR A TASTY DUMPLING AS WELL
and peachbaby is like yeah help yourself
and then a dog shows up like WOOF WOOF FUCKITY WOOF BITCH
GIMME SOME DUMPLING AND I WILL GIVE YOU SOME DEAD OGRES
and peachbaby is like i like your style
here’s a dumpling

so by the time this kid gets to the ogres’ island
he’s got this ridiculous animal entourage
and he is basically like alright guys
murdertime
and the bird flies over the walls of the ogres’ castle
and the monkey climbs the walls
and meanwhile peachbaby and the dog manage to beat down the front gates
GUYS
a monkey
a dog
a teenager
and a bird that looks like some kind of psychedelic chicken
JUST COMPROMISED A FORTRESS
BUILT
BY OGRES
WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THESE DUMPLINGS?
and then once they beast their way inside the fortress
they just proceed to start dishing out asses left and right
the ogres are basically queuing up to receive their assrations
it’s a regular ASS-embly line
DO YOU GET IT

so yeah eventually the ogres get tired of getting skullfucked to death
by creatures roughly one hundredth of their size
and they are like shit man fine
just take all our treasure
sure we’ve been saving that stuff for like
CENTURIES
but you go ahead and take it
dicks
and peachbaby becomes obscenely rich
and is happy for ever

so the moral of the story is
if you’re ever gonna do something recklessly stupid
get your mom to pack you a lunch first

the end.

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Johnny Appleseed Has a Kevlar Scrotum

So America, right?

It has all these fucking trees
but most of them suck
(this is 200 years ago by the way
now i feel like we have significantly fewer trees
but i’m not sure what percentage of them suck)
we got all these like
cedar trees
pine trees
weeping willows
what the fuck guys
weeping willows?
I’m supposed to give a shit about a tree
that does nothing but bitch all day?
what do you have to cry about, asshole
you’re a fucking TREE
GET A JOB

but see what we don’t have at all
is FREE FOOD TREES
all over america
there are hungry dudes
just DREAMING of free food trees
all covered in bacon and waffles
also cigarettes and whiskey
most of these hungry dudes are homeless dudes coincidentally
have you ever listened to the song “the big rock candy mountain,”
like
REALLY listened to it?
it’s a song for homeless dudes
straight up

ENTER JOHNNY APPLESEED
this is a dude
who for FORTY-NINE YEARS
dedicates his life
to kicking hunger in the nuts
he just walks around all over the place
- BAREFOOT, MIND YOU –
with a big old sack of apple seeds
planting trees and taking names
names of people who need to be FED
and then FEEDING THEM APPLES
He wears a pot on his head instead of a hat
and this is super convenient
because what other kind of hat can you make soup in
other than a souphat
and can someone please tell me where I can get a souphat?
also what is a souphat?
I think I made that up
anyway this dude’s feet are SO TOUGH
that one time a rattlesnake tries to bite him in the foot
and it just cannot pierce the rhinoceros hide
that passes for johnny appleseeds’ footskin
also when he gets bored he CHILLS WITH BEARS

Native americans totally dig this dude
i mean what’s not to like
here comes that white dude with no shoes and a pot on his head
handing out apples
do you think he might be crazy?
who gives a shit
at least he’s not setting us on fire and taking our houses
so even when all the tribes basically everywhere
start murdering pioneers
they leave johnny appleseed alone
which he views as a perfect opportunity
to warn all the settlers that there are indians a-comin
at one point he actually runs 26 miles in order to do this
TWENTY SIX MILES MY FRIENDS
THAT IS ONLY ABOUT 300 YARDS SHORT OF A MARATHON
YOU KNOW WHAT FORGET I SAID THAT
IT DOESN’T SOUND THAT COOL WHEN I SAY IT THAT WAY
anyway yeah he does that
and probably thousands more indians die because of it
so good job johnny appleseed
but really mainly he just plants apple trees

the moral of the story
is what the fuck have hippies been up to for the last 200 years
johnny appleseed is one fucking guy
and yet he managed to make a veritable buttload of foodtrees
some of which STILL FUCKING EXIST
meanwhile I’m supposed to get a boner over some asshole duct taped to a live oak?
You can’t eat acorns, asshole
i mean you can
but fuck that
what am I, a squirrel?

The end.

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Beowulf Can Kick An Ass So Hard It Flies Into Orbit At Such High Speeds That It Turns Back Time To A Point Just Before It Was Kicked and Then Beowulf Kicks it Again

So Beowulf has now officially killed two monsters
in about four days
what does this call for my friends?
it calls for a PARTY
and not just any party
a PAR
TAY
prized among party connoisseurs
as the hardiest of parties
guys
this party could not get any hardier
if it was a band of battle-hardened veterans
crawling through the thick underbrush
of shindig central
hell bent on capturing the rich hootenany reserves
of soiree city
these dudes are drinking mead
out of the skulls of other dudes
who died of alcohol poisoning
EARLIER IN THE PARTY

so Hrothgar gets shithouse wasted
and makes this long-ass speech
like HEY BEOWULF
YOU SHOULD ESCHEW MATERIAL REWARDS
IN FAVOR OF SPIRITUAL REWARDS
BY THE WAY I’MA HOOK YOU UP WITH TWELVE KINDS OF TREASURE TOMORROW
MAYBE ALSO SOME WHORES
I’M GONNA GO VOMIT INTO MY WIFE’S MOUTH AND THEN FALL ASLEEP

so then beowulf goes home
back to the home of the geats
appropriately called geatland
and the king Hygelac
is like BEOWULF MY MAN WHATS GOOD
ARE YOU READY TO PARTY
and Beowulf is like I’m pretty sure I still have a liver
BRING IT ON
oh by the way
i hear you’re about to marry off one of your kids
to some dudes called the Heathobards
to make peace with them or some shit
GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE
NOT GONNA WORK
because as i recall
you guys have been murdering each other for YEARS
and stealing each other’s priceless heirlooms
which everyone insists on wearing TO THE WEDDING
and that is going to be TOTALLY TACKY
QUICK WEATHER FORECAST HYGELAC
PARTLY CLOUDY
WITH CHANCE OF PREMARITAL BLOODBATH
OH IS THAT MORE MEAD DON’T MIND IF I DO

so then Beowulf proceeds to tell us a bunch of shit we already know
about grendel
and grendel’s mom
because apparently they didn’t have hyperlinks back then
and everyone in geatland talks about how great he is
then Hygelac gives him a ton of presents
and later he dies and beowulf becomes king for fifty years
pretty sweet being a hero
not gonna lie

CUT TO 300 YEARS AGO
This dude right
he has a whole bunch of treasure
but OH NO
HE’S ABOUT TO DIE
so he is like
I spent my whole life
systematically denying people access to this treasure
WHY STOP NOW
and he buries it all
and then dies on it
maybe he died fucking it
it is not clear whether or not he is a dwarf

anyway then later a dragon finds it
and is like TREASURE?!
COUNT ME IN
what is it with dragons and treasure
treasure is basically good for 2 things:
buying shit
and christmas gifts
dragons cannot buy things
as they do not have thumbs
and I have yet to meet a dragon that celebrates christmas
they are more into the winter solstice
fucking new-agey wiccan dragons

CUT TO THE PRESENT
some stupidass thief
sneaks into the dragon’s lair
and steals
like
a gold codpiece or some shit
maybe it even has some of the original owner’s congealed semen in it
again
this all depends on whether the original owner was a dwarf
but REGARDLESS
the dragon realizes this shit is gone
and is like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES
and just starts flying all the fuck over everywhere
setting shit on fire

now this would be fine
dragons setting shit on fire is kind of par for the course in old europe
but one of the things this dragon sets on fire
is BEOWULF’S MEADHALL
and beowulf (now like 80 years old)
is left standing in the wreckage (his skin is fire-retardant, remember)
like fuck
where am i supposed to party now?
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so beowulf gathers all his dudes
and he puts on his armor
and he rides to the dragon’s lair
and he is like guys
a few years ago
I had a renowned craftsman
build me a sundial
so that I would always know what time it is
but just this morning
in fact
around the same time that dragon set my shit on fire
the sundial seems to have broken
because all day
it has been stuck at MURDER O’CLOCK
I’M BOUT TO MURDER THIS DRAGON DON’T EVEN DOUBT IT
but first let me bore you with some tales from my childhood
OKAY TIME’S UP COMMENCE KILLING

so beowulf sprints towards the dragon’s lair
wearing some chainmail and wielding a sword
and the dragon pops out like SUPPPPPPP
and beowulf is like WHAT’S GOOOOOOOOD
and they start wrestling
I REPEAT
80-YEAR-OLD MAN
WRESTLES
DRAGON
but when Beowulf tries to stab the dragon in the neck
his sword breaks
and the dragon takes a fat bite out of his neck
and he is like GUYS
HELP?
but all his guys are too busy shitting themselves with endless terror
all his guys that is
except for this dude Wiglaf
who is like COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES
and then stabs the dragon in the stomach
which gives beowulf the time he needs
to eviscerate it with his fucking pocketknife
sweet

but all is not well
because it turns out the dragon’s teeth are POISON
so Beowulf is right in the middle of being victorious and shit
when all of a sudden he’s like oh damn
guess i’m gonna die after all
and falls down
and Wiglaf is like BALLS
WHAT DO I DO
and beowulf is like naw dude…
it’s cool…
just bring me …
some sweet treasure…
and set me on fire …
and tell everybody …
what a sweet dude…
i was …
and then he dies
and geatland is probably about to get invaded from all sides
a bukakke shotgun spray of conquest
but it’s okay
becuase beowulf’s funeral is totally sweet

so the moral of this story
is that all of the greatest heroic acts
are performed by dudes
motivated solely
by the desire
to party

The end.

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