The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up

This one has been a long time coming

so back in the days before there was stuff and things
(if you subscribe to Hindu mythology)
there was a dude
just this one dude
as far as the eye could see
it was this one dude all the way down
spanning the entire breadth of the universe
plus like ten extra feet for good measure
his name
is The Dude
but not the dude from the Big Lebowski
this is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we are talking about here
this is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety of creation
he is so big he exists at all times both before and after his birth
and like a quarter of his body is made up of all the animals ever
and the other 3/4 is all the gods
and he actually gives birth to a dude named Virj
who gives birth to HIM
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING

so clearly the gods get tired of trying to conceptualize this universal dude
and they’re like fuck this let’s sacrifice him
so they tie him down and cut him up
and just start flinging pieces of is body EVERYWHERE
and predictably they turn into things
like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off him turns into ANIMALS
even though I thought animals were already a quarter of his body
i guess 1/4 of his body was butter?
fatty
and the gods are pretty much making up ceremonies while they do this
so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity
also i gotta hand it to these gods
it takes some serious effort/cojones
to kill and butcher someting that is 75% COMPOSED OF YOU
but anyway yeah
his mouths become priests
and his arms become nobles
and his thighs become the general rabble
and his feet become the slaves
his brain turns into the fucking moon and his eyeballs are the sun
and the sky comes out of his ears and the ground forms under his peasant-feet
and the gods make sure to start a fuckton of fires
because if you’re gonna butcher the universe it might as well also be on fire
and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL ORDER somehow
no one mentions what happens to The Dude’s dong
or his chest actually
my guess is that some creeper god stole that shit
and built him a pan-galactic realdoll

so the moral of the story
is next time you are getting sexed up
just remember that both you and your honey are made out of the same dude
so basically
everybody is gay

the end.

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Ilmatar likes to dive headfirst into shitstorms

Awestruck shoutout
to Scandanavian sex icon Pjarl Torturetruck
for bathing me in a sea of dollars
in an effort to get me to tell this myth from the Kalevala
(National epic of FINLAND!)
EFFORT SUCCESSFUL

So basically there’s this chick Ilmatar right
except in the original version
you don’t find out what her name is until the LAST FUCKING LINE OF THE STORY
that my friends
is called bad storytelling
anyway Ilmatar is like the daughter of Ether
whatever that means
i guess basically it means she hangs out in bumfuck airland nowheresville
all the time
every day
and so understandably she gets SUPER BORED
and she is like IMA GO SWIMMING
and the ocean is like HA HA BITCH I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS A LONG TIME
and proceeds to just conjure up EVERY AVAILABLE STORM
in order to turn Ilmatar’s life into a living well of watery torturesex
so not only does she get drowned for like SEVEN YEARS
and super lost
even though how can you ever get lost
when your house
is AIR
but anyway she also gets PREGNANT
and also the water won’t let her go above the surface
all like nope
nope
and she keeps swimming everywhere but it is NO USE AT ALL
and she is like mannnn
i sure was bored in the ether
but being bored definitely trumps simultaneously drowning and being pregnant
EVERY TIME
hey Ukko
UKKO
GOD OF ALL THINGS
CAN YOU HOOK A SISTER UP WITH SOME ASSISTANCE PLEASE?
and ukko doesn’t say shit but then a duck appears
it is not clear whether Ukko sent the duck
maybe it’s just some duck
i dunno

anyway the duck is flying around
but see the problem is THERE IS NOWHERE TO LAND
so it’s about to leave
when Ilmatar is like shit shit shit
hold on
and sticks her shoulder and one of her knees above the water
the water that until now
has ACTIVELY BEEN PREVENTING HER FROM BREAKING THE SURFACE
i guess it figures it’s fine if she breaks the surface
as long as she suffers a lot while doing it
the ocean is a DICK
but not an actual dick
although wouldn’t it be funny
if astronauts went to space
and sent back the first aerial photographs of the earth
and it turns out that all the oceans were shaped like dicks?
man that would be CLASSIC
anyway Ilmatar is in an incredibly painful and awkward position
having to hold her shoulders and knee up
while simultaneously treading water with her asscheeks probably
and the duck is like OH SHIT LAND
and goes down and builds a fucking nest on her knee
and then lays some eggs
and then sits on them
but meanwhile Ilmatar is like FUCK HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE
WHAT DOES THIS DUCK HAVE TO DO WITH ME NOT BEING IN WATER ANYMORE
NOW I AM IN WATER AND ALSO UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE ARE EGGS ON MY KNEE
oh yeah also?
the eggs are made of gold
and one of them
is made of IRON
NOT THE BEST THING TO HAVE TO BALANCE ON YOUR FUCKING KNEE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS
and so predictably she fails
she starts shaking her knee around
and the nest explodes
and all the eggs fall off and break in the ocean
BUT IT’S OKAY
BECAUSE THEY TURN INTO LAND FOR SOME REASON
ALSO HEAVEN
PROBLEM SOLVED
TOTALLY SHOULD’VE STARTED SHAKING YOUR KNEE AROUND EARLIER HUH ILMATAR

so now there’s land
awesome
now Ilmatar can finally get out of the fucking water right?
WRONG
she swims around for another like TWENTY YEARS
just making shit
like islands and fishholes and the marianas trench
which begs the question
WHY DIDN’T SHE DO THIS EARLIER
WHAT WAS IT ABOUT BROKEN METAL DUCK EGGS THAT SUDDENLY MADE ALL THINGS POSSIBLE
but anyway then there’s this dude Wainamoinen
whose name i am now going to be saying over and over again ALL DAY
ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO TO THE POST OFFICE AND PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME
and Wainamoinen is either still in Ilmatar’s coochbag
or imprisoned underground or something?
the text is not clear
but if he’s still not born yet
then that makes him THIRTY YEARS OLD AT THIS POINT
which is just straight up creepy
i mean why would Ilmatar wanna keep a baby in her that long?
did she just forget?
do people forget things like that?
but no matter where he is
Wainamoinen is pretty pissed off
about not being able to move around and do shit
so he’s like HEY
SUN
HEY
MOON
HEY
BEAR OF HEAVEN
holy shit there’s a bear of heaven?
okay that must be Ursa Major
but i prefer to think of it as just some fucking bear
that is running around all over the sky massacring everything and answering prayers
as long as they are prayers to get MASSACRED
but yeah Wainamoinen is asking all these celestial motherfuckers to let him out
and they just straight up ignore him
so he’s like you know what fuck this
and just busts out on his own
and then swims around the ocean for a bunch of years super lost
but finally he finds some land
and he’s like whoa shit there are trees and whatnot
and he starts walking around
and has a whole bunch more adventures probably and it’s great

so the moral of the story is
you are alone in the universe
i mean
the gods are there
but they are either not listening
or they think the solution to your problem is to throw incompetent ducks at you
so you’re just gonna have to figure shit out on your own

the end.

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Bushmen Don’t Like Fire For Obvious Reasons

Motherfuckin Africa

apparently
(according to the bushmen)
used to be totally abandoned
because everybody
WAS LIVING UNDERGROUND
they were living with the creator
KAANG
now to me
this begs the question
WHY
WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO CREATE THE GROUND
JUST TO MAKE PEOPLE LIVE UNDER IT
well the answer is pretty simple
apparently Kaang created all the people and animals and shit
before he got around to actually making shit up on the surface
so he was like fuck
where am i going to put all this shit I made
oh I know
UNDERGROUND
and actually it’s pretty sweet underground
there’s light even though there’s no sun
and the people and the animals can like talk to each other and shit
but Kaang isn’t satisfied
he’s one of those workaholic creation gods
that’s always gotta be working on some fucking project
making mountains
or clouds
or weird animals no one is going to give a shit about
seriously, you’ve got lions
AND tigers
AND leopards
AND panthers
they’re all basically just different flavors of catmurder
why fucking bother
I’ll tell you why
BECAUSE KAANG NEEDED SOMETHING TO DO
so he’s chilling underground
constructing this super rad world on the surface
all like just wait another couple million years dudes
i’ll totally let you up on the surface
and finally he does
he digs this bigass hole
and it leads to the base of a bigass tree
and he is like hey guys
come check out this bigass tree
and the first man climbs up out of the hole
and pretty soon the first woman comes out of the hole
and they prolly start doin’ it
but that’s not really important
what’s important
is that once all the people and animals come out of the hole
Kaang is like ok guys
enjoy this sweet new world i made
but humans
whatever you do
don’t make any fucking fires
GOT IT?
and the humans are like sure man no problem
what would we need fires for
we have the warmth of friendship
BUT IT TURNS OUT FRIENDSHIP DOES NOT KEEP YOU WARM WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
this is something these people have never experienced before
and they can’t see shit either
so they just start screaming
like KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG
and they are like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKE A FIRE
YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK IT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA
so they make a fire
which proceeds to scare the SHIT out of all the animals
who from then on refuse to talk to the humans

but guess what guys
the humans might not have any more animal pals
BUT THEY DONT FUCKING FREEZE TO DEATH EITHER
proving once and for all
that sometimes
god has no fucking clue what he’s talking about
and at those times
fire is usually the answer

the end.

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Egyptians are pretty weird

Damn it’s about time

so there is this dude Atum
(now to be fair
there are a ton of different versions of this story
or maybe just like 2
and the dude is named a different thing
depending on who you ask
but this version is by far the sweetest
so I am using it)
actually this dude does not exist
at least not at the beginning of the story
all there is is this shitty infinite water
called Nu
but then Atum
who – remember – doesn’t exist
is like this sucks
how about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER
so he does that

so then Atum is standing around
except actually he is not standing
there is no place to stand
so Atum is like fuck this
there is an acute hill shortage here
time to rectify that shit
so he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES

so obviously Atum gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is
in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE
is a hill and some water
so he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes
to literally will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like COME ON GUYS
SOOOOOOO LAZY
fuck
fine I’ll make my own friends

but there is a problem
because apprently although Atum can make hills
and HIMSELF
he can’t make people
sexual reproduction is suddenly ruining everything
as usual
but Atum does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead
and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT HIS MOUTH
yes guys
this is what happened
if egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
depending on whether you are a boy or a girl?
see Atum has two kids
the phlegmkid is this dude Shu
god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you
but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing i guess

anyway Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored
than even their omnipotent father could have imagined
so they are sitting around and they are like hey
let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost
so they do
somewhere in the shitty clusterfuck oceanstravaganza
that is everything everywhere forever
kind of like seaworld
but except seaworld is everything everywhere
and there is no shamu
and there is no amusement park
or hotdogs or whatever
it is just actually the water part of seaworld
and there are only three people there
and two of them are spit and vomit
and also lost
actually that last part is a lot like seaworld

so Atum is like god dammit guys
I fucked my own SHADOW so i wouldn’t be lonely
but lookie here
more tomfoolery
so what he does is he takes out his one eye
by the way he only has one eye
and he is like hey eye
go find my kids
so it does
and it brings them back to Atum
and atum starts crying
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all

what is important is that those tears hit the hill Atum made
and they turn into people
guys we are made of sadness
this is definitive proof
anyway then Shu and Tefnut start having kids somehow
maybe they fuck each other
it’s not like there’s any shortage of incest everywhere all the time
they pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
those are extremely large babies no lie

anyway later Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff

so basically what it all comes down to
is we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow
i’m gonna go cry now
i hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.

the end.

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When I say GENES you say IS

ok guys
i deleted that last post
because i don’t want any posts on my blog
that are not sweet myths
or at least myths of some kind
don’t worry, people who recommended myths in that post
i remember what you recommended
and those were some pretty badass suggestions
and i’ll totally do them
speaking of totally doing things
here is a myth about that

by the way that was the LAST PART OF THE BOOK OF GENESIS
hope you enjoyed it

now if people actually read this blog
i could take a vote on which myth you would rather hear next
beowulf or the mabinogi
but oh well.

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I am honestly not sure whether someone said GENESIS because I have auditory hallucinations

Alright guys
this is the second to last installment
of this fucking beast
you guys should take this as an opportunity
to start suggesting what massive behemoth myth
i should retell on video
the NEXT TIME someone gives me money
also i am sorry that the videos this time are so long
i only have so many opportunities to get on the internet
so i am condensing down what would normally be probably
about double the number of posts
into five
five VALUE SIZED posts
so here is your value

I hope you enjoyed your value

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Someone said GENESIS but i thought they said GENITALS and then i was disappointed

hey guys
i did this myth today
from inside my car
which someone else was driving
down a dark highway somewhere in Amishtown Ohio
seriously there were horse-drawn buggies
with flashing lights on the back of them
at like 8PM
i am sorry i am not wearing a hat in this one
there is a dangly thing next to my head though so that’s something
anyway this is the video

i am glad we didn’t hit any amish people
because i hear if you hit amish people you get a curse

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Nobody said Genesis but I did it anyway

Here is episode 2 of god being a dick
guys have you ever gone to a contemporary art museum
expecting to see some sweet contemporary art
only to find a bunch of different canvasses nailed together
each one painted a different solid color
or like
a whole room full of white canvasses
maybe one of them says AIDS on it
but it’s hard to tell
BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN IN WHITE
when i see things like this
it makes me want to be bill-gates rich
so i can buy out the museum
build an igloo out of this shit
and set the igloo on fire
and then sell it to another museum
for ten times what those paintings were worth
anyway here’s my masterpiece

you know why my plan works?
because FIRE increases VALUE.

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South Park did this and i don’t care

Ok so Xenu right

he is this seriously bad dude
who is like emperor
of a MASSIVE GALACTIC EMPIRE
made up of like
26 stars
and 76 planets
one of which is earth
except it isn’t called earth
because that doesn’t sound retarded enough
no
it is called Teegeeack

so the galactic civilization
it is pretty much like what earth is like
in the 50s and 60s
in fact basically exactly alike
they wear the same clothes
and they have cars and buses and shit
not a very advanced galactic civilization actually

BUT WAIT
Xenu is about to get deposed
for being a seriously bad motherfucker all the time
so he’s like OH I KNOW
IF I KILL ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEPOSE ME
I CAN’T GET DEPOSED
FUCKING GENIUS
here is the problem guys
EVERYONE WANTS TO DEPOSE XENU
so he’s like well i guess i better kill everyone
but how do i do that
i’m going to need some help
HEY PSYCHIATRISTS

so all the psychiatrists show up like yea xenu whats up
and xenu is like guys i need you to trick all these people
or rather
all these THETANS
because thats what these guys are called
into showing up to my place for a tax audit or something
and the psychiatrists are like we have no problem with this
because we are evil

so all the thetans show up
like hey here are our income taxes or something
actually hold on
why is it
that everyone in the galaxy shows up
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
especially if we are postulating
that these guys have the technology of the 1950s
which did not include faster than light travel
as far as i can tell
so people are travelling HUNDREDS OF YEARS
in their shitty, explosion prone spacecraft
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
now if it had been a free puppies and cotton candy audit
or a professional grade booze enema audit
maybe i can see this working
but if you want to depose a guy
and then he is like HEY HOW BOUT THOSE INCOME TAXES
your response should not be RIGHT AWAY SIR CAN I CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL

cause see
this whole thing turns out really badly for the thetans
like as soon as they show up
Xenu freezes them in alcohol and takes their souls
and then he puts them in some spaceships
and he takes them to earth
oh wait i’m sorry
TEEGEEACK
and he stacks them around volcanoes
but see
apparently volcanoes are not naturally dangerous enough for Xenu
NOOOOOO
molten fucking lava is not hardcore enough for this guy
so he puts HYDROGEN BOMBS in all of the volcanoes
and then blows them right the fuck up
vaporizing all these thetans
but like
keeping their souls intact?

because see the next thing that happens
is that xenu forces all these thetans
into a massive 3D movie theater
where they watch a 36 hour movie
encompassing all future religious symbolism
and where is this movie theater located exactly?
hawaii
obviously

so then the thetans get let out of the movie theater
and they are so fucking disoriented
and like
dead and stuff
that they just start grabassing at any body they can find
turning perfectly functional human beings
into skullfucked sadness engines
bent on self-destruction
and guys
that is why we all suck so bad
it is because a supervillain put bombs in volcanoes
and then evil spirits decided to lay eggs in our minds

and the worst part is
if you try and learn all this shit
without first preparing yourself to learn it
by paying a lot of money
again and again
the shock will be so great
that you will get pneumonia

so the moral is
don’t read this myth
unless you want to get pneumonia

the end.

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