The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

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Dogs: Great Friends, Terrible Couriers

So have you ever wondered why people have to die?
Well then you are clearly not one of the Kono people of Sierra Leon.
If you were, then you would know:
It’s because of SNAKES.

Okay, lemme back up a little.
So there’s this god named Yataa
(Which, up until now
I thought was just the thing Hiro Nakamura from Heroes yelled whenever he traveled through time)
and when our story begins, he has just gotten done making all the people.
He is super pleased with these people he just made
no problems at all, everything is great
nothing is going to go wrong you could just stop reading now.

But Yataa is one of those guys who can never put down a project
like my dad, or most serial killers
so he’s racking his brains for a way to really kick these dudes up a notch
and finally he’s like “Oh, duh
I’ll just make them immortal.”
But there’s a problem with this
which has been exhaustively explored by, like, a million science fiction writers already:
ETERNAL LIFE DOES NOT EQUAL ETERNAL YOUTH.
And Yataa is not gonna just stand idly by and watch his chosen people get ugly.
No, no, no.
So he gets out his sewing kit
and he pulls some straight-up Texas Chainsaw Massacre shit
by which I mean he sews new skins for everybody.

But that is not the end of Yataa’s logistical problems
because, see, he forgot to invent FedEx
and so if he wants to get this package of skins to his people
he’s got to use the next best thing:
a dog.
So he calls up this dog he knows
and he’s like “Hey dog
I need you to take these skins to my people.
It is very important.”
And the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.”

So Yataa gives his skinsack to the dog
and the dog goes trotting along towards all Yataa’s dudes
but on the way he sees a bunch of his friend chilling by the river.
Let me be clear, guys
the dog’s friends are not other dogs.
They are, in fact, ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS.
So there’s a hippo there, and probably a lion and a gator and a jaguar
and DEFINITELY a snake
because I mentioned those earlier.
This is a very sociable dog, is what I’m saying.
Anyway, the animals are like “YO DOG I HEARD YOU LIKED RIVERS.”
And the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG YOU HEARD RIGHT.”
And the dog goes over and has a drink with his animal pals
and totally spills the beans about how he is carrying this precious sack of skins
and all his friends are totally impressed
except for snake
who is just totally EVIL.

So what snake does
is he starts yawning
and you know how yawns are contagious, right?
Well, snake yawns are some WEAPONS-GRADE SHIT
because within minutes, every single one of those animals is asleep
and then snake just grabs those skins and slithers away
and after that, Yataa totally loses steam, and he is too lazy to make any more skins.
So that’s why snakes get to do that gross thing now where their skin comes off.
Although now I don’t get why their sheddings don’t have arms and legs and thumbs.
Whatever
maybe snake just took the skins to a tailor for alterations or something.

Look,
the moral of the story
is that you should never trust a dog
who hangs out with snakes.

The end.

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Makóma is better than you

Here is a story I thought you might like
it is about testosterne

alright so this chick gives birth to a fully formed dude
and not just any fully formed dude
but a fully formed megadude complete with a hammer and a sack
and I don’t mean his ballsack
although let me assure you
he has one of those
more than one, actually
this guy has a whole wardrobe of ballsacks for different occasions
but they are all the same model:
KEVLAR MAGMA FURY

so this guy is kind of intimidating obviously
even his mom is a little afraid of him
but finally she comes up to him like hey son
uh
what should we call you?
and instead of answering her very simple question
this dude is like BRING ME EVERY RADICAL DUDE IN THE LAND

so his mom summons all the rad dudes
and this sack guy leads them all down to the river
where there are thousands of angry crocodiles
and he’s like okay guys
who wants to murder all these crocodiles?
and predictably no one raises their hand
so he’s like fine
straps on his heftiest ballsack
and just dives right into the water
and then ten seconds later the whole river EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF CROCODILE BLOOD
and this guy walks out all gory and shit
and he’s like okay
you guys can call me Makóma
it means >
because I > you

so everyone is pretty okay with this
because no one wants to be greater than Makoma
if it means one-manning a river full of pissed off crocodiles
so Makoma decides to go off into the world and kill shit for a while
presumably because he’s bored

so Makoma is walking along with his hammer and his sack
and he runs into a giant who is busy making mountains
and he’s like YO GIANT
WHAT CHOO DOIN’
and the giant is like i’m just making mountains dude
who are you?
and Makoma is like I AM MAKOMA
WHICH MEANS >
BECAUSE I > YOU
and the giant is like RAAAAA FUCK YOU ASSHOLE
but Makoma just hits him with his hammer and gives him a concussion
it is such a hardcore concussion that it causes the giant to shrink to tiny-size
and transfers all his powers to Makoma
and then the giant is really keen n being Makoma’s servant
dude
this is one hell of a hammer

so Makoma puts the giant in his sack and he keeps walking
and he runs into a giant who is digging massive trenches
and he’s like YO GIANT WHAT CHOO DOIN’
and the giant is like I am just making riverbeds dude
who are you?
and Makoma is like I AM > YOU
and the giant is like WHAT A SMARTASS ANSWER
TIME TO DIE
but then Makoma hits him with his hammer
and he shrinks
and makoma steals his powers and puts him in a sack

he proceeds to do this again and again
the first time he does it to a dude who is planting giant thorn trees
for elephants to eat
and the second time
he does it to this dude he finds up in the mountains
EATING FIRE
both of them he handles with the tried and true method
of insult/bludgeon/steal
and at the end of this ridiculousness
he has successfully deprived the world of its only sources of mountains,
rivers,
trees,
and fire
i mean he has all those powers now
but what
you think he’s gonna use them?
this is a dude whose goal in life is to roll up on big dudes while they’re at work
beat their skulls in
then remove their ability to work
this is not the humanitarian of the year we are talking about
but even so
all these tiny giants he’s captured are SUPER loyal to him
presumably because he still has his magic giant-beating hammer

so pretty soon Makoma comes across this nice clearing in the woods
and he’s like EXCELLENT
WHAT A PERFECT CLEARING FOR ME TO LIVE IN
THIS WAS MY GOAL ALL ALONG
that’s right guys
this dude just manhandled four giants
while he was out HOUSE-HUNTING
so yeah he tells one of his giant slaves to make him dinner
while everyone else goes out and gathers building materials

but oh shit what’s this
when Makoma arrives home in the evening he finds his cooking giant tied to a tree
by a SINGLE GIANT HAIR
and he’s like yo dude this is pretty lame
what happened?
and the little giant is like okay
right after you left this dude showed up
with the SWEETEST MUSTACHE
seriously
you could not see the ends of this fucking thing
this thing wasn’t just a soupcatcher
it was soup’s worst nightmare
a fiendish contraption designed to catch ALL THE SOUP
anyway yeah I told him I worked for you
and he tied me to a tree with part of his mustache
and here we are
and Makoma is like well FUCK THAT

so over the next few days he keeps leaving different dudes at camp
and they keep getting tied to trees
until finally he just says fuck it and waits there himself
and pretty soon this mustache dude shows up
and he’s like ARE YOU MAKOMA
and Makoma is like well I am certainly > you
and the mustache dude is like WELL I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE RIVER
MY MUSTACHE IS FOG
NOW WE MUST KUNG-FU FIGHT
and they do
and initially the river mustache guy is too slippery to hammer
but then Makoma just throws his sack over the guy’s head
and it’s no problem at all
so that’s good

and then the next day Makoma is like hey guys great job helping me build this house
but I just got a call from my ancestors
and they were like hey dude
you need to go kill this five-headed giant named Sákatirína
and I was like sure okay
I mean I’m the greatest so that’s fine
and then he gives all the giants their powers back for some reason
I guess cause otherwise this would just be TOO EASY
and then he goes to find Sakatirina and fuck him up

so he ends up in some far-off land or other
and he sees a house
and he walks in and there are 2 chicks inside
and he’s like hey guys have you seen this dude Sakatirina
and they’re like dude
you have totally come to the right place
we are his wives
and he is that giant thing outside whose legs look like mountains
and whose upper body is entirely obscured by clouds
honestly we are not sure how he plans to have sex with us
but when a dude like that decides to marry you
there are not a lot of tactful ways to decline
then they probably keep talking but it doesn’t matter
because Makoma is already outside
beating Sakatirina’s feet with his hammer

so he’s beating these legs
and he hears this voice from way far up
like HEY WHO’S BARELY MANAGING TO INCONVENIENCE ME DOWN THERE?
and Makoma is like IT’S ME
but he has poor stage presence and cannot project his voice into the stratosphere
so he is obliged to attract Sakatirina’s attention again
by setting his fucking feet on fire
at which point Sakatirina just kind of lightly picks him up
and murders him
except wait what the fuck is this
it turns out killing Makoma actually turned him into SUPER SONIC MAKOMA
because he suddenly grows huge
and picks up his hammer
and just starts beating the fuck out of Sakatirina
and Sakatirina is like oh man this is awesome
it was so lonely when i was the only tall guy
and they fight for like days and days
until they both pass out
and when they finally wake up the great spirit is there
like guys
that was awesome
that was too awesome for earth
you have to go live in space now
so they do
and everything pretty much goes back to normal
except for the dead crocodiles
who just stay dead

so the moral of the story
is that the only reliable measure of a person’s greatness
is their ability to beat people with a hammer

THE END

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Eshu Elegba gives Zeus a run for his money

Still occupying chicago
Still haven’t made that video
It’s in the works though
just be patient
you guys would probably be really amused
if i told you how i got this bible I’m reading
BUT THAT IS NOT THE STORY I’M TELLING
THE STORY I’M TELLING IS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CLEVERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE
ESHU ELEGBA
(by the way guys I am seriously fiending for some myth suggestions
so please suggest me some myths)

So let me tell you some facts about Eshu Elegba’s dick
FACT ONE:
Eshu Elegba’s dick has been at times referred to as
“The mythic humanizer of sex”
which was coincidentally also my nickname in college
FACT TWO:
there is a poem about Eshu Elegba’s dick that goes something like this:
ESHU’S PENIS IS HUGE
ONE TIME HE USED IT TO MAKE A BRIDGE
BUT IT BROKE IN HALF
ALL THE TRAVELERS DROWNED
my question here
is whose bright idea was it do walk across a giant dick bridge in the first place
BUT ANYWAY

having a large penis is not all fun and games guys
because it also leads to UNRULY BONERS GOING OFF ALL THE TIME
decapitating seagulls
skewering the international space station
let me give you an example:

so Eshu is traveling with his bro and his sis
they are pretending to be some wandering minstrels in a funeral procession
and they come across three chicks
who they proceed to murder
FOR NO REASON
okay
so far this sounds pretty reasonable
but so then what Eshu does
is he sneaks off with the corpses
has sex with them
has sex with his mother in law
then tops off this quadruple-decker sex sundae by having sex with a local princess
this princess is the daughter of king Metonofi
whose entire kingdom is completely impotent
because earlier Eshu flew over with a crop duster full of dick-don’t-work spray
and the king gets so fucking excited when he learns his daughter is pregnant
he is like ESHU
GREAT WORK
AS A REWARD
HOW ABOUT PICK SOMEONE AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM
IT CAN BE ANYONE
and Eshu is like duh
what do you think I’ve been doing
honestly I am not even that jazzed about the idea of spending valuable sex time
deciding on someone to have sex with
how about i just go back to fucking everything everywhere
in reverse alphabetical order
and the king is like okay well fair enough
how about I also declare you to be the intermediary between worlds?
and Eshu is like okay sounds fair
does that job involve any actual work though?
I predict that I will be pretty busy having sex basically all the time forever
so I hope it doesn’t involve any work
and the king is like oh Eshu you so crazy
thanks for knocking up my daughter
and Eshu is like who did what now?
nevermind I see something vaguely hole-shaped over there I’m gonna investigate

so the moral of the story
is if you find that you’ve killed someone
the safest course of action is to just fuck everyone in a twelve mile radius
you might even get sweet prizes

THE END.

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Eshu Elegba: Okay, This is Getting Kind of Freaky

Here’s a short one, cause I gotta get downtown and join this shit
(there is probably one in your neighborhood too
so if you feel like shit’s fucked up and you wanna do something about it
maybe give this a shot)

anyway you guys already know who Eshu is

he’s that big dick with the psychedelic hat
but i don’t think you realize how literal the “big dick” part of that description is
see one day Eshu decides he’s going to get him some prophecies
so what he does is he climbs this big palm tree
and on top of the tree sits this chick named Gbadu
she is the PERSONIFICATION OF DIVINATION
and she has SIXTEEN EYES
and they are all closed
to everything except THE FUTURE
which is a really inefficient use of sixteen eyes if you ask me but whatever
so basically what Eshu does is he gets a handful of palm nuts
and uses them as a pattern
which he then uses to open all sixteen of Gbadu’s eyes in sequence
which i guess teaches him something about the future
but is that enough for Eshu?
Of course not
he’s sitting up on top of a palm tree with a hot psychic lady
and ALL HER EYES ARE CLOSED
so what does he do?
he sexes the bajeezus out of her is what he does
then he climbs down the tree and sexes the bajeezus out of her daughter
So obviously this pisses off Gbadu a whole lot
so she calls the god police
which is actually this chick Mawu-Lisa
and Mawu Lisa is like HEY ESHU
HAVE YOU BEEN SEXING ALL THE WEIRD PSYCHIC CHICKS?
and Eshu is like nuh uh not me
and Mawu-Lisa is like TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS
and Eshu is like oh sweet bout to get some more sex
(i guess totally forgetting that Mawu-Lisa is his MOM)
and he drops his pants
and SPROING
HERE COMES ESHU’S RAMPANT DONG
PLOWING WHOLE FIELDS AND COCKSLAPPING TOWNSHIPS AS IT UNFURLS
and Mawu-Lisa is like son
that looks like a dick that has just been banging psychic chicks
and Eshu is like aww you got me mom
and Mawu is like Eshu you have been a very naughty boy
I am going to curse you
with PERMANENT ERECTIONS
and Eshu is like wait what?
you’re cursing me with eternal sexytimes?
Uh
okay
and Mawu is like WAIT WAIT YOU’LL ALSO NEVER BE SATISFIED
and Eshu is like too late already started banging Gbadu again
and Gbadu is like hey quit it
and Eshu is like YOU HEARD MY MOM
IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM TAKE IT UP WITH HER
so basically no one except for Eshu is happy ever again

So the moral of the story
is while it may be prudent to fight fire with fire
it is never a good idea to fight rapists with viagra

THE END.

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Eshu Elegba is a Big Ol’ Jerk Clown

I’m okay guys don’t freak out
jeeze
everybody is being so nice to me I feel like I must be terminally ill or something
grad school may be a lot of work
but it gives me access to JSTOR
which is the source of today’s myth
(also, the jesus video will go up tomorrow when I hijack a computer at school
man what would I do without school?
have a lot more money probably)
Oh! Also!
Check out this guy. He’s doing what I’m doing but exclusively with Chinese myths
and he speaks Chinese so he is getting at the primary sources and stuff!
There’s a really hilarious one up right now about vomiting
you should take a look

Okay so there’s this dude Eshu right?
He’s one of the main gods in the Yoruba pantheon
and also a pretty cool dude
basically he is what Hermes would be like
if he was pretty much allowed to run his whole pantheon
he is associated mainly with roads, trickery, pipe-smoking and dongs
the last two may be interrelated
hell, the last three
you know what, fuck it
everything is related to dongs
MOVING ON

this should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit Eshu pulls:

so there are these two farmers
they are best buds and they live across the street from each other
so one day they’re sitting out on their respective porches
enjoying the sunshine and each others’ companionship
when Eshu Elegba walks by real fast
and the farmer on the north side of the road is like dude did you see that guy?
the one with the red hat?
where the hell was he running?
and the farmer on the south side of the street is like uh dude
i saw a guy
but he was wearing a BLUE AND WHITE hat
i think maybe you’ve had too much to drink
and the first farmer is like no no no guess again shiteyes
that guy’s hat was clearly red
and the second farmer is like YOU are the one with shit for eyes
and the first farmer is like I’LL SHIT ON YOUR EYES
and just then Eshu Elegba walks past in the other direction
and the first farmer is like holy balls you’re right
the dude’s hat IS blue and white
and the second guy is like What are you talking about
YOU are the one who is right
that guy’s hat is CLEARLY red
and the first farmer is like YOU KNOW WHAT’S RED?
MY FIST
AFTER I USE IT TO EXTRACT YOUR STILL BEATING HEART FROM YOUR CHEST
THAT HAT WAS BLUE AND WHITE YOU SNIVEROUS TWANK
and the other guy is like IT WAS RED, YOU SHANDY-PANCAKE
and the first guy is like WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHANDY PANCAKE?
and the second guy is like DON’T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS TO CUT YOUR FACE OFF WITH IT
and then the neighbors show up like whoa guys
enough is enough
we’re gonna take you guys to the king and let him sort it out
and they go all the way to the king
and they get into the throne room
and then Eshu shows up like POOF KLAZAM DICKHEADS
and they see his hat from the front
because i guess they never tried to look at him
while he was RUNNING TOWARDS OR AWAY FROM THEM
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
IT’S HALF RED AND HALF WHITE/BLUE
IT IS THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN PARTY FEDORA
and Elegba is like guess what guys
YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D
this is what happens when you start a new official friendship
and fail to make a sacrifice to me in the process
BECAUSE I’M ELEGBA
APPROVER OF FRIENDSHIPS
naw jk guys I just kinda wanted to see a fight
and then he runs off and everyone is like what the hell was the point of that?

so the moral of the story
is make sure to eat your carrots
because depth perception might just save your friendship

THE END.

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Bushmen Don’t Like Fire For Obvious Reasons

Motherfuckin Africa

apparently
(according to the bushmen)
used to be totally abandoned
because everybody
WAS LIVING UNDERGROUND
they were living with the creator
KAANG
now to me
this begs the question
WHY
WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO CREATE THE GROUND
JUST TO MAKE PEOPLE LIVE UNDER IT
well the answer is pretty simple
apparently Kaang created all the people and animals and shit
before he got around to actually making shit up on the surface
so he was like fuck
where am i going to put all this shit I made
oh I know
UNDERGROUND
and actually it’s pretty sweet underground
there’s light even though there’s no sun
and the people and the animals can like talk to each other and shit
but Kaang isn’t satisfied
he’s one of those workaholic creation gods
that’s always gotta be working on some fucking project
making mountains
or clouds
or weird animals no one is going to give a shit about
seriously, you’ve got lions
AND tigers
AND leopards
AND panthers
they’re all basically just different flavors of catmurder
why fucking bother
I’ll tell you why
BECAUSE KAANG NEEDED SOMETHING TO DO
so he’s chilling underground
constructing this super rad world on the surface
all like just wait another couple million years dudes
i’ll totally let you up on the surface
and finally he does
he digs this bigass hole
and it leads to the base of a bigass tree
and he is like hey guys
come check out this bigass tree
and the first man climbs up out of the hole
and pretty soon the first woman comes out of the hole
and they prolly start doin’ it
but that’s not really important
what’s important
is that once all the people and animals come out of the hole
Kaang is like ok guys
enjoy this sweet new world i made
but humans
whatever you do
don’t make any fucking fires
GOT IT?
and the humans are like sure man no problem
what would we need fires for
we have the warmth of friendship
BUT IT TURNS OUT FRIENDSHIP DOES NOT KEEP YOU WARM WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
this is something these people have never experienced before
and they can’t see shit either
so they just start screaming
like KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG
and they are like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKE A FIRE
YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK IT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA
so they make a fire
which proceeds to scare the SHIT out of all the animals
who from then on refuse to talk to the humans

but guess what guys
the humans might not have any more animal pals
BUT THEY DONT FUCKING FREEZE TO DEATH EITHER
proving once and for all
that sometimes
god has no fucking clue what he’s talking about
and at those times
fire is usually the answer

the end.

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Local father discovers immortality with this one weird tip

So Anansi again

yeah, see, since I just established
that all the stories are belong to Anansi
I figured I should maybe tell more than one story about him
So here goes:
one day anansi is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town
and he gets bored of walking around
and also super thirsty
and he sees this house
he walks up to the house and there is this old man
sitting on the front porch
now when I say old
I mean OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD
this guy makes the crypt keeper look like natalie fucking portman
so anansi walks up to him
and is like excuse me you fugly sonofabitch
can I get some ice cold drinking water
and the old man doesnt say anything
and anansi is like I SAID
CAN I GET SOME DELICIOUS CHILLED WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE
and the old man says nothing
and anansi is like:
please continue sitting silent and motionless
if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge
and the old man says nothing
so anansi goes inside
and has a gay old time
he eats as much food as possible
and then he leaves
he has such a good time doing this
that he comes back the next day
and the next day
just fucking pillaging this dude’s pantry
devouring the watermelons
ravaging the mayo
man i dont know what this dude had in his pantry
i just have no goddamn idea
but whatever it was it must have been good
cause one day anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house
and he is like
thank you so much for this food creepy silent old guy
to thank you, here is my eldest daughter
you guys are married now
enjoy
also make me a sandwich, woman
and he eats the sandwich and then leaves his daughter there and goes home
next day he goes back for more free food
and maybe to see his daughter i guess
but his daughter isn’t there
WHERE DID SHE GO
he knows she likes to play hide of seek
so he starts looking all over the house
in the closets and under the bed and shit
and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place
THE OVEN
and what does he find in there?
THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER
so he runs outside to the old man like
HEY ASSHOLE
WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING
SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE
and the old man FINALLY fucking talks
he’s all:
do you know who i am
I’m death
you showed up at my house
you ate all my food
and then you married me to an ugly fucking spider chick
without my consent
and through all of this i remained motionless
and refused to stop you or interact with you for some reason
but still this is TOTALLY YOUR FAULT
so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER
and now I am also going to eat YOU
and Anansi is like shit
no
I like not having consequences for my actions
this seems like a consequence this is terrible
and he starts running
he figures death is prolly pretty slow
given how old he is
but no
he’s keeping up
and anansi starts getting tired
and is like fuck what do i do
I KNOW
I’LL CLIMB A TREE!
so he climbs a tree
and he’s about to jump to another tree
when he looks down
and sees death just standing there
because guess what guys
DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES
this i guess explains why squirrels are immortal?
I mean come on
this is the personification of DEATH
the inescapable end that pursues us all
and he is helpless when confronted with
A TREE
well i guess he’s not totally helpless
because he basically just stands at the bottom of the tree
and chucks everything in arm’s reach at anansi
like a rock
and some sticks
and a shoe
so that basically puts death
to the level
of the kids i used to throw dirt at
from my treehouse
when I was FIVE
anyway eventually death runs out of shit to throw
and goes to find more shit
at which point anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house
screaming HEY HEY
WIFE AND KIDS
CLIMB UP TO THE CIELING
DEATH IS COMING
MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY
I AM THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER
and his wife is like
WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR CHILDREN
STARVING ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF
and anansi is like FINE
I’LL take them up to the ceiling MYSELF
so he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling
and death runs in after him
and sees everyone up on the ceiling
and can’t do a thing about it
except pull up a chair
and grab a burlap sack
and just sit there
waiting
so it’s not too long
before one of anansi’s kids
his youngest son
starts losing his grip on the ceiling
which to me
means that this is a family of pretty shitty spiders
since when has a spider had ceiling problems?
spiders live on my fucking ceiling
the only explanation
is that these spiders are like
reverse spiderman
with all the disadvantages of a spider
coupled with all the disadvantages of a man
so this kid is like DADDY HELP
and anansi is like FUCKING HOLD ON JUNIOR
IF YOU FALL DEATH WILL EAT YOU
so junior falls
and death catches him
and is like
i’m only after your dad, kid
but i’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack
then anansi’s youngest daughter falls off
and the same thing happens
and again and again
until it’s just anansi up there
and he’s about to lose his grip
when he goes WAIT
DEATH
I am SOOOO FAT
from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD
if I fall to the floor
i’m totally going to explode on impact
and then what are you gonna eat?
spider guts?
gross
what you should do
is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen
and put it under me
so when i fall
you get a nice breading on me
and death is like dur ok
just let me leave you alone in the room real quick
and anansi is like FUCK YES
while he is busy moving the flour I am totally going to escape
man I am such a genius holy shit
but by the time anansi is done congratulating himself
death walks back in with the barrel
and puts it under anansi
and anansi is like fuck
once again my tremendous ego has boned me
but all is not lost
because when death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered
anansi drops down on the back of his head
which freaks him out
because
you know
spider on his head
and in the resulting confusion
and flour-induced blindness
anansi is able to grab his wife and kids in the sack
and run out the door
and he’s been escaping death ever since
actually that’s why there’s spider webs on the ceiling everywhere
to avoid death
who has apparently not figured out ladders
so now you know guys
the secret to immortality
duct tape yourself to the ceiling

You’re welcome.

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HEY AFRICA

Holy shit guys

apparently i should have told this myth a while ago
because according to this myth
which is from africa by the way
before this story happened
there were no stories
at all
this is the origin story
of STORIES
alright so
there’s this god of the sky
his name is Nyame
he has all the stories
and thats pretty lame
because he doesnt tell any of them
so this spider anansi
the character spiderman is based on
is like mannnn
living is boring
i wish i had some stories
specifically
i wish I had all the stories
and i wish most of them were about me
maybe even all of them
so he goes to nyame and is like
how much for all your stories
and nyame is like hm
well im not really using these stories
and i dont really need anything else
because i am the god
of the motherfucking SKY
so how about i just name a bunch of deadly predators
much larger and stronger than you
and you bring them all to me
i dont even know what im gonna do with them
probably set them free or some shit
i am basically just trying to make your life hard
to entertain myself
because its not like i have all the stories to amuse myself with or anything
so bring me a python
a leopard
a fuckton of hornets
and a dwarf
see? africa doesnt like dwarves either
stumpy gold-fucking parasites
so anyway anansi agrees
because he has nothing better to do
and goes out to capture some animals
first he hits up this python Onini
what he does is he stands outside Onini’s house
and loudly debates with his wife whether Onini is longer than a palm branch
and onini
who places incredible importance on trivial bullshit
comes out of his house like guys
guys
i am totally longer than a palm branch
and anansi is like ok lie down next to this branch
and onini does
but he has a hard time being totally straight
har har
so anansi is like
hey man its hard to tell accurately how big you are
unless you are totally straight
let me help you
by tying you to the palm branch
and onini is like dur ok
and anansi ties him to the branch
and then brings him to nyame
then anansi goes out and digs a big hole
in the middle of the jungle
and Osebo the leopard comes walking along
not paying any attention to his surroundings
and falls into the hole
anansi runs over like hey man
looks like you are inside of a hole
allow me to help you out of there with my spider webs
and Osebo is like dur ok
and by the time anansi has helped him out
he has also helped him to become completely tangled in webs
and he takes Osebo to Nyame
then he goes and finds a hornet’s nest
full of Mmoboro hornets
and he takes a calabash
which is a big hollowed out gourd
that kinda looks like tits if you turn it sideways
and he fills it with water
and starts dumping it all over the hornet’s nest like
HORNETS
HORNETS
ITS FUCKING RAINING
GET OUT GET OUT
GONNA DIE HORNETS
GONNA DIE
and the hornets are like SHIT WHERE DO WE GO
and anansi is like I HAVE THE PERFECT SOLUTION
GET INTO THIS GOURD THAT LOOKS LIKE TITS
IT IS THE ONLY WAY
so the hornets are like dur ok
and fly into the gourd
and anansi plugs it up
and brings it to Nyame
so 3 down 1 to go
anansi still has to capture this dwarf Mmoatia
who hangs out with all the other dwarves under the odum tree
so what anansi does
is he makes a fake dwarf out of like spiderwebs and grass or something
and covers it in like sticky taffy
and then puts it under the odum tree
along with a big bowl of nutritious yarn
so Mmoatia sees this bowl of yarn next to this fake dwarf
and is like YUM YARN
I LOVE EATING STUPID INEDIBLE BULLSHIT
BECAUSE I AM A DWARF
AND GOLD HAS BEEN SCARCE LATELY
and she eats all the yarn
and then is like thank you strange silent dwarf
for giving me this precious foodstuff
and the fake dwarf is like

and mmoatia is like hey
arent you gonna say you’re welcome
and the fake dwarf is like

and probably falls over
because it is an inanimate fucking object
and this offends mmoatia so much
she is like ILL TEACH YOU TO NOT SAY YOURE WELCOME
TO THE PERSON WHO JUST ATE ALL YOUR DELICIOUS YARN
and she smacks the taffydwarf upside the head
and her hand gets stuck
and mmoatia is like DURR I’LL TEACH YOU TO STICK TO MY HAND
and smacks it with her other hand
and that gets stuck too
at which point anansi shows and is like
man i was gonna wait for you to kick it too
but this is just too painful to watch
come on lets go see nyame
and nyame is like THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THIS USELESS BULLSHIT ANANSI
HERE
HAVE ALL THE STORIES
and now anansi has a ton of stories
most of them are about him
some of them arent
but they still belong to him
like if anyone else tries to make a movie
bam
anansi is right there
demanding his royalties
so guys
the moral of the story is
you are going to need to take advantage
of the stupidity of your animal pals
in order to make it in the entertainment industry

The End.

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