King Arthur, in: BONER BUNGLE

Hey guys, I’m back.
While I was gone I saw some things on the internet you might like
One of them is a lady reading one of my favorite myths i’ve done on here
and the other one is … well you should watch it
BUT DO THAT LATER
RIGHT NOW MYTHS ARE HAPPENING

Okay, King Arthur, right?
I haven’t talked about this guy in a while
so let me refresh your memory
Arthur got born because some dude named Uther
got a wizard named merlin
to help him fuck some other dude’s wife
(the other dude was named Gorlois, and the dude’s wife was named Ygraine)
then Arthur became king because he pulled a sword out of a rock
just a normal sword, mind you
but one HELL OF A ROCK
oh and that wizard Merlin is still hanging around causing problems
because wizards.

But here’s the problem with being king, guys
it is that apparently there is a rule
that says whoever kills the king gets to have all his stuff
(in fact that was sort of how Arthur got born in the first place
because women count as stuff at this point in history)
so no sooner is Arthur king
then he has to start fighting like ALL THESE WARS
(he gets a sword that makes him really good at that
but that’s a whole other story)
and right in the middle of one of these wars
he gets a visit
from a hot chick
all like ARTHUR ARTHUR
MY CASTLE GOT ALL PILLAGED AND WHATNOT
I BARELY GOT OUT WITH MY NIPPLES UN-SINGED
LOOK, SEE, LOOK AT MY NIPPLES THEY ARE FINE
and Arthur is like uhh boobies
I mean hey
do you want to crash at my castle for a while
and this chick
(who is actually named Margawse
and is queen of a whole family of bad irish dudes named the orkneys
and is actually here to totally wreck Arthur’s shit)
is like YES PROBABLY
BUT FIRST I NEED YOU TO SHOW ME ALL THE SECRET DOORS IN THE CASTLE
SO THAT I CAN FEEL SAFE FROM ENEMY ATTACK OR SOMETHING
and Arthur is using most of his brain-blood to sustain a furious erection
so he sees no problem with this

thus ensues some serious mister magoo shit
with Arthur all ducking to tie his shoe right as Margawse is swinging her knife and such
and he shows her all his secret doors
and how to unlock them and everything
and he shows her his treasure pit
which is guarded by a single midget
complete with tiny sausages and bad attitude
then he sets her up in his room
(after adding like, a bed
and putting glass in the windows and all that
because apparently King Arthur’s usual idea of luxury
is the French government’s usual idea of prison)
and they go to have dinner

And Margawse is STILL TRYING TO KILL THIS DUDE
she’s got poison all up in her ring
trying to slip it in the wine
but there are too many servants for that shit to fly
and meanwhile she is just getting TRASHED on all this good wine
and then arthur walks her back to her/his room
and I don’t know where he was PLANNING to sleep
but he ends up sleeping all up in her stuff
and by sleeping I mean sexing
(and then sleeping after)
because like
Margawse starts out trying to seduce him so she can get close and stab him
but then Arthur’s boner starts firing off bad decisions like pyrotechnics
and he’s all like HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE QUEEN?
and Margawse is like I WILL SHOW YOU HOW I WOULD LIKE THAT
WITH ALL OF THE SEXIEST PARTS OF MY ANATOMY

So while Arthur is having sex with her ears
all the Orkneys are sneaking into the castle through a door she left open
and since they’re all greedy twanks
they decide to hit up the dwarf and his treasure first of all
except wait, did I say dwarf?
I meant DRAGON IN A DWARFSUIT
so that goes really badly for all those guys

meanwhile up in arthur’s room
it is going pretty good for him
Margawse has just popped his cherry
also both her eardrums
and they are snoozing peacefully
and everything is just PERFECT
until they wake up and start doing the pillowtalk

so Arthur is like hey lady
you said you were a queen, right
who are your parents
and Margawse is like oh
well my mother was this chick named Ygraine
and Arthur is like OH SHIT DON’T TELL ME YOUR DAD WAS UTHER PENDRAGON
and Margawse is like puh-leeze
my dad was Gorlois
who Uther STOLE Ygraine from
with the help of some kind of dick-wizard
it’s a shame Uther was too much of an impotent dickweed to have any kids
because if he did
I’d be getting SO MUCH REVENGE ON THAT KID RIGHT NOW
But obviously you don’t care about all this, right Arthur?
I mean, you came out of nowhere and became king because of some sword thing
who even knows who your parents are?
and Arthur is like HAHAHA I KNOW RIGHT
PRETTY CRAZY
OKAY YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW
and Margawse is like Excuse me?
And Arthur is like uh
there’s a …
a prophecy, yeah
about how the chick i’m going to marry will be blond
and you are a brunette
and bleaching has not been invented yet
so get your skank ass out of my royal chambers
and she does
after calling Arthur some pretty mean names
and she goes back to her husband
King Lot of Orkney
and that would’ve been the end of that
except everyone forgot how babies work
so there’s one of those inside Margawse now
and he is going to come back to bite Arthur’s ass
in the absolute worst way

but that is a story for another time

the moral of THIS story, meanwhile
is you want to try and ascertain your honey’s genealogy
BEFORE your penis is actually inside of her (or his) body

THE END

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Balin needs to chill the fuck out

Alright so first of all
I know there has got to be at least several more of you
who are all about crossdressing
and need shirts that express this
I need twenty-eight more orders to make bombness happen

but second of all
big sweaty ups to Napalm “Sexpocalypse” Lightningsen
for injecting some freebased dollar bills
into the only intact vein remaining in my body
MY GREED VEIN
in a balls-out attempt to get me to tell you this myth i am going to tell you
SO HERE GOES

alright so King Arthur

he’s chilling out in his castle right
and some squires or whatever come running in
like hey king arthur there’s this asshole King Pellam
he won’t pay tribute to you
and arthur is like how about fucking make him pay tribute
how about that
and the squires are like ok fine mister grumpypants
by the way there’s some dudes hanging out by a fountain nearby
just straight wrecking every dude who comes by
do you want us to invite them over
they seem like the kind of dudes you like to surround yourself with
and King arthur is like naw fuck it
i’ll just go out to their fountain and say what’s up
and by say what’s up i mean beat the shit out of them
so he does
pretty easily
remember he has a sword that makes him invincible
oh man i totally forgot to ever tell you that that’s what excalibur does
but whatever you get the idea

so anyway these two dudes Arthur humiliates are named Balin and Balan
they are brothers obviously
probably twins
i mean they’re like a pair of stripey pants and a couple beanies away
from being tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum already so i’m sure they must be twins
and on top of that what ridiculous names
isn’t Balin the name of a dwarf in some Tolkein book or something?
maybe
definitely it is only one letter away from being Ballin’
but instead it just rhymes with failin’
which is closer to what Balin spends most of his time doing
cause see back in the day Balin was actually a knight of the round table
but then some dude called him a poopy-head or something
so he got pissed off and stabbed that guy’s brain
and then Arthur was like alright dude
i mean we are all about senseless violence but that is a little too much of it
get out of my court
and then I guess Balin decided that the best way to atone for his crime
was to hang out by a fountain with his best bro killing dudes with his lance
because i guess if you murder enough dudes it wraps back around to zero
or stops counting
like an odometer for murder
a murdometer
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT I ALREADY PATENTED IT

anyway after getting humiliated by Arthur
Balin and Balan decide to just say fuck it and see if Arthur will knight them anyway
they don’t know who it was that just handed them their asses
pretty sure
anyway they show up at Camelot and Arthur is like SURE WHATEVER BE MY KNIGHTS
WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT
LIKE THERE WAS A POINT WHERE I WAS HOLDING TOURNAMENTS AND SHIT
TO SELECT ONLY THE BEST AND MOST SKILLFUL KNIGHTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
BUT NOW I PRETTY MUCH JUST KNIGHT WHOEVER THE FUCK WALKS IN HERE
and then at the same moment those squires come back from King Pellam’s place
like dude you’re not gonna believe this
remember how King Pellam used to be super pagan?
well i guess he decided he was gonna try and christian harder than you
because now he like won’t eat or fuck his wife
and women aren’t allowed in the castle in case he accidentally slips
and his dick goes inside of one of them
and he has like the spear the romans used to stab jesus and whatever
and when we showed up to ask for tribute he was like
I AM TOO HOLY TO PAY TRIBUTE
GO MAKE MY SON PAY YOU
and then his son was super pissed off
oh and PS there is like a fucking ghost horse that is riding all over the place
with a ghost knight on it
murdering dudes
and Arthur is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR AN UNTESTED KNIGHT
HEY BALAN YOU GOT THIS RIGHT?
and Balan is like yeah sure
hey Balin i’m gonna go try and find an invisible knight
try not to get too angry while i’m gone
i know you have anger problems
like that one time when you killed that guy
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I’LL KILL YOU

so Balan leaves
and Balin is like OH MAN IT IS SO HARD TO NOT MURDER DUDES
WHAT IF SOMEONE LEAVES DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK
OR SOMEONE SNEEZES WRONG OR MISUSES AN APOSTROPHE
and Arthur is like dude
you seriously need to chill out
here
why don’t you follow Lancelot around and just try and be like him
so Balin follows Lancelot around
but Lancelot is just SO FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING VIRTUOUS
(I’ve gotten some complaints that my blog doesn’t use the word “fuck enough
so I’m working on that)
and Balin is like shit man i cannot be that virtuous
this dude has a crazy amount of virtue
OH WAIT I KNOW
MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HE IS AROUND GUENEVERE SO MUCH
MAN IF I WAS AROUND A CHICK THAT HOT ALL THE TIME
I WOULD BE AS VIRTUOUS AS A SACK FULL OF POPES
so he comes up with this crazy scheme
which is if he can get the queen to let him paint her crown on his shield
it will constantly remind him of how fucking virtuous he is supposed to be
even though the point of shields is that you hold them pointing AWAY FROM YOU
and when you aren’t using them
you usually wear them ON YOUR BACK
not a lot of times when you are just hanging out staring at your shield
so as far as plans go this is not one of the best ones
but then again maybe his judgment is clouded by his CONSTANT RAGE

so he takes his shitty plan to Arthur and Guenevere and they’re like sure
whatever
so he paints the crown royal on his shield
and everyone is cheering for him
support group style
and he sees the dude who he stabbed in the brain earlier
and he is like HOW DARE HE CHEER FOR ME I BETTER STAB HIM IN THE oh wait
no nevermind
i’m a better man now
I’M A BETTER FUCKING MAN NOW OK

so instead he goes running to some bower
which is like a cross between a garden and a tower
just kidding i have no idea what a bower is
but anyway he’s hanging out there punching bricks and grinding his teeth
when Guenevere and Lancelot come wandering by
having one of those conversations teenage couples always seem to be having
where they are sitting on a curb
looking extremely serious
and aggressively taking offense at everything the other person says
please tell me i was not the only person who had these conversations
anyway Balin overhears this conversation and he’s all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
I CAN’T PROCESS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE
BETTER RUN AWAY FROM CAMELOT
AND GO TRY AND FIND THAT INVISIBLE KNIGHT MY BRO IS CHASING

so OFF HE GOES
and pretty soon he is in king Pellam’s territory
and he sees a woodcutter so he just comes charging out of the woods and slices the dude’s axe in half like HAHA FUCKER THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
and the woodcutter is like uh wow
well i mean maybe you could put that sword to good use
and kill the invisible knight who has been murdering dudes around here
and Balin is like I BET IT’S NOT AN INVISIBLE KNIGHT AT ALL
I BET IT’S SOME DUDE PRETENDING TO BE AN INVISIBLE KNIGHT
and the dude is like well that’s possible
but i mean he’d still have to be invisible
and a knight
because like
you can’t see him
and he’s a knight
so uh
it really doesn’t make much of a difference does it
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’LL KILL YOU AAAAA
and gallops away
at which point the invisible knight kind of halfassedly attacks him
and then Balin tries to chase him but he charges SO HARD
he stabs a tree with his lance and his lance EXPLODES and he flies off his horse
and then he goes running to king Pellam’s castle

so everyone at Pellam’s place is like WHY IS THERE A CROWN ON UR SHIELD
and Balin is like cuz i’m from King Arthur’s court
and i have mad respect for Guenevere
and so Garlon
King Pellam’s asshole son
is like WELL WE DON’T
I HEAR SHE’S A HUGE SLUT
and Balin is like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’M GONNA KILL no wait ok calm down Balin
just settle down
check your watch
is it murdertime?
no
no it is never murdertime Balin
murdertime is not a real time that they put on watches
no matter how sweet that would be
now sit down and eat your mutton
and then they finish eating in strained silence and Balin goes off to bed

but then in the morning Balin is walking past Garlon
and Garlon is like HOW ABOUT I PUSH MY LUCK BY CALLING GUENEVERE A SLUT AGAIN
and Balin is like TIME FOR MY SIGNATURE MOVE
SWORD TO THE BRAINPAN
and then everyone is trying to kill him
but he runs away on his horse
and also STEALS THE LANCE THAT WAS USED TO STAB JESUS
so THAT’S special
but then he gallops his horse so hard that it PASSES OUT
and he flies off the horse
and he is lying face down in the dirt
and some chick comes along singing this weird poem about the fires of heaven
and she is like hey dude wake up
you look like a knight of the round table
you know because you are face down in the dirt with an injured horse
look there’s some dude who is all up on my ovaries
and i am trying to not bang him
so if you could grant me protection at Camelot that would be sweet
and Balin is like NO I AM NOT A KNIGHT ANYMORE
I HAVE TOO MANY ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES
WHY JUST MOMENTS AGO I STABBED A DUDE IN THE BRAIN
AND THIS IS NOT EVEN THE FIRST TIME I HAVE DONE THAT
I NEVER LEARNED TO USE MY WORDS
I HAVE TOTALLY VIOLATED THE NAME OF SAINTLY PURE VIRGINAL GUENEVERE
and the damsel is like bitch please
Guenevere is about as pure as a gloryhole in a train station bathroom
i hear she fucked some dudes
and this chick is lying through her teeth by the way
but Balin remembers that little tiff he saw lancelot and guenevere having
and he is like OH GOD IT’S TRUE
IT’S SO TRUE
I’m
I’m so
SO ANGRY
so he starts screaming and stomping on his shield
OBVIOUSLY
that’s what ANY SANE PERSON WOULD DO
and who happens to hear his one-man concert of crazy?
WHY HIS BROTHER BALAN OF COURSE
WHO HAS STILL FAILED TO FIND THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT
BECAUSE HERE’S A FUN FACT
THE KNIGHT IS FUCKING INVISIBLE
but so Balan hears his brother screaming and stomping
and he’s like OH SNAP
THAT MUST BE THE INVISIBLE KNIGHT
MURDERING SOME DUDE
so he charges into that clearing
and sees Balin stomping on a shield with the Crown Royal on it
and he’s like I’MA KILL YOU FOR DOING THAT
and Balin is like I’MA KILL YOU FOR TRYING TO STOP ME FROM DOING THAT
and they charge each other
and Balin actually RIDES HIS HORSE TO DEATH
and then they both LANCE EACH OTHER TO DEATH
and the damsel
who was really just some spiteful bitch the whole time
is like haha wow
lotta death huh
well i’m gonna just move right along now
I think she is banging Garlon
and I think Garlon might be the invisible knight
like he learned some tricks for being invisible from a magic asshole or something
but honestly none of that is satisfactorily resolved
all that is resolved
is as they are both dying
Balin and Balan realize who they both are
and they’re like aw
what the fuck
and then they both die

so the moral of the story
is some people are just always gonna be angry
and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
so when you identify those people
try not to be brothers with them
or failing that
at least try to not joust them

THE END.

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Even Tristram’s NAME is Sad

Hey first of all guys
here is some bad news
I have only sold 9 crossdressing shirts so far
which means that people need to buy thirty-one more shirts
in the next EIGHT DAYS
or else I can’t get them screenprinted
so i mean
this doesn’t have to be bad news
just steal your friends’ credit cards
and go to this page
and buy like a million shirts
and problem solved

but anyway enough of that
IT’S SADNESS TIME

so there’s this dude Tristram right
and he is one saaaaaaaaaad motherfucker
he is like running around
accidentally killing knights who try to joust with him
because he is the best knight ever
besides Lancelot but whatever
I like to think of him as the green ranger to Lancelot’s black ranger
or was it white ranger
which was the one that the green ranger like turned into later
who was super great?
hold on shit maybe Galahad is the black ranger
look fuck those guys BLUE RANGER FOREVER
(Sir Gawaine is the Blue Ranger
shit no wait sir Gawaine isn’t a fucking nerd)
ANYWAY

so Tristram becomes a knight of the round table pretty easy
cuz of how great he is
and then King Arthur is like OK TRISTRAM
THERE IS THIS DOUCHEBAG KING MARK DOWN IN CORNWALL
HE IS REFUSING TO SWEAR FEALTY TO ME AND ALSO HE IS YOUR UNCLE
GO MAKE HIM DO THE FEALTY THING
and Tristram is like ok
and he goes to cornwall

so he gets to cornwall
and he is like hey dude got any fealty?
and King Mark is like sorry nephew
i am kinda using it all on this asshole king ANGUISH OF IRELAND
is becoming an evil king kind of like becoming a pope
where they give you an all-new totally sweetradical name when you get kinged?
I think it is
but yeah basically king Anguish of Ireland keeps threatening Mark
with this huge giant he has called the Morholt
and basically Anguish is just like hand over all your bitches and riches
or else morholt will come and fuck them
also probably most of your farm animals
and your palace walls for good measure
so Tristram is like alright dude
how about I just go kill the Morholt in single combat
and Mark is like are you a fucking idiot
and Tristram is like YUP

so he challenges the Morholt to single combat on an island
and when he arrives at the island he sets his boat on fire
because he is like ONLY ONE OF US WILL LEAVE ALIVE
and then the morholt immediately starts trying to chop off pieces of him
but sir tristram just proceeds to steadily ruin him
by repeatedly chopping off whatever part of him is closest to the ground
until he is dead
like those cactuses in mario
and Tristram is pretty fucking wounded at this point
so he climbs into the Morholt’s boat
and he just drifts to Ireland
where he gets picked up by this good witch called Brangwain
who is like oh snap a hot knight
lemme bring him to my mistress and WE CAN REBUILD HIM

AND THEY DO
also
Brangwain’s mistress?
her name is LA BELLE ISOLD
SERIOUSLY GUYS
“PRETTY”
IS RIGHT IN HER FUCKING NAME
JUST LIKE “HORRIBLE SADNESS” IS RIGHT IN TRISTRAM’S NAME
THEY ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER
and in fact that is exactly what they discover
while Isold is nursing tristram back to health
they sing to each other all the time and it’s great
BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM
which is that La Belle Isold is King Anguish’s daughter
and the Morholt was king Anguish’s BRO
and Tristram killed the morholt SO HARD
that he left a big chunk of his sword in that motherfucker’s NECK
so when the morholt’s limbs all start washing up on shore
eventually king Anguish gets ahold of the swordchunk
and Isolde figures out that it belongs to tristram
and she is like OH YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH YOU KILLED MY UNCLE
and tristram is like fuck i gotta get out of here

so he goes back to cornwall and guess what emotion he is feeling
THAT’S RIGHT
SADNESS
and king mark is like chill out nephew
i have no idea why you are so sad
but here’s what i’m going to do
i’m going to marry king Anguish’s daughter
LA BELLE ISOLD
it’s a political thing and also i hear she’s pretty hot
why don’t you just go grab her for me and bring her back here
and Tristram is like BOO HOO BOO
but so he goes back to Ireland

so he gets there and is like don’t kill me for killing your bro please
and Anguish is like fuck it whatever
Mark wants to marry my daughter right?
let’s DO THIS
and Isold is like AAAAA WHY ARE YOU BACK I WANT TO KILL YOU
and Tristram is like I totally wanna bang you still dammit
and Isold is like hey Brangwain give me some poison
so i can kill tristram and me with it when we are on the boat back to Cornwall
and Braingwain is like how about instead i prank you
by making a love potion instead of the poison
and Isold is like OH MAN WHAT A GREAT IDEA BECAUSE NOW I AM IN LOVE WITH TRISTRAM
and Tristram also drinks the love potion and then they TOTALLY START MAKING OUT
and also singing to each other and do a bunch of pansy shit like that

so then they get back to Cornwall
and suddenly it is problem city
i mean actually it is still called Cornwall
but it is definitely a city full of problems
actually really mainly just one problem
which is that Mark is totally gonna marry Isold
but Isold wants to bone the shit out of Tristram
and also have nothing to do with Mark’s junk
but they get married anyway
except then on the wedding night
instead of doing the nuptial sex-joust with King Mark
Isolde drugs him with a potion that makes him pass out
and THINK he spent the whole night banging Isold
and then she stuffs him in a closet and tristram climbs in through the window
and they bonk til dawn

THIS GOES ON
FOR YEEEEEEEEARS
and the whole time there is this shitty fucking dwarf named Frocin
who is trying to prove to king mark that Tristram and Isolde are crotchmashin’
but it is a hilarious comedy of errors involving a lot of falling out of trees
and off of ladders
and trying to catch footprints in flour but then it rains
and the flour looks like birdshit instead of flour
but then they bake it into biscuits to prove that it was flour after all
but now they just have a bunch of biscuits that look like turds
so i’m not sure what that accomplished
just including it for the sake of completeness
ANYWAY
one time Mark ALMOST catches them doin’ it
but tristram gets away
but the bed is still warm
and Mark is like you know what
fuck this
FUCK this
I am going to employ some shady magical bullshit to figure all this out
ISOLD I AM SUBJECTING YOU TO THE TEST OF THE HOT METAL RODS

now the test of the hot metal rods is not as sexy as it sounds
basically what it is is they heat up some rebar in a fire
and then they ask you a question
and then you answer the question and you pick up the rods
and if you are lying your hands catch on fire
or i mean
also if you are not lying your hands catch on fire
it is a pretty foolproof test if what you are trying to do is prove someone is lying
but oh yeah also Tristram kind of has to run away from the castle
cause soldiers are looking for him and shit
but he doesn’t wanna miss isold’s hands gettin’ burnt
so he gets some shitty peasant clothes and puts them on over his armor
and he shows up to the burneytimes
and he sees isolde on the way there
about to have to cross a river
and in order to cross the river she would have to get her nice dress TOTALLY SOGGY
so he pops out of the woods like HERE MADAME LEMME CARRY YOU OVER THIS SHIT
and he does
and then she goes to get her hands burned
and the testing dudes are like HEY ISOLD
DID YOU FUCK AROUND ON YOUR HUSBAND
and Isolde is like I swear
the only dude besides King Mark who’s ever touched me
is that dude who just helped me across the river
and then she grabs the metal rods
and is TOTALLY PROTECTED BECAUSE SHE WAS TECHNICALLY NOT LYING
WAY TO GO METAL RODS
WAY TO FUCK UP ON A TECHNICALITY
at which point king mark is like aw honey
I’m so fucking apologetic about this shit
let’s go home and have us a FEAST
and someone find tristram and tell him i’m not trying to kill him anymore

so back at the castle Tristram goes to see Isold in her room
and they’re both like shit that was close huh
and then Isold is like let’s celebrate our narrow escape by BANGING RIGHT NOW
and then king Mark is like OH MAN I AM SO SORRY I DOUBTED MY WIFE
BETTER GO GIVE HER A BIG HUG
RIIIIIIGHT NOW
and so of course he walks in on tristram
doing the hokey pokey
with just his penis
and Mark’s wife
so he immediately starts CHOKING ON RAGEBILE
and tristram and Isold are like OOOOHHHHHHH FUCKKKKK
and they run away
and live in the forest
and Tristram gets all wounded by the fucking ARMY that Mark sends after them
and they have to live in a cave
which is full of a dragon
which tristram kills
and gets wounded some more in the process
and it sucks

but Isold decides to be a fucking badass
and makes a bow and hunts some animals
and makes blood soup and nurses Tristram back to health
at which point he makes a BETTER bow and kills MORE animals
and they start having a pretty legitimate happy existence up in here
and meanwhile King Mark kind of gives up trying to find them
but then one day he is chasing a boar or something
and he accidentally finds tristram and isold taking a nap in their cave
and he is like aw fuck
do i kill them?
i’d feel pretty shitty about it if I did
how about instead i just leave my sword right here and tiptoe back to my castle

so then Tristram wakes up
and he sees the sword and he is like FUCK BALLS
BETTER TAKE THIS SHIT BACK TO KING MARK AND SUBMIT MYSELF TO HIS MERCY
and Isold is like what why would you do that
we’ve got a good thing going here
and Tristram is like I CAN’T STAND BEING HAPPY
JESUS WOMAN WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME YET
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OR SOMETHING
so they go back to Cornwall
and Tristram is like yo dude i’m sorry i stole your wife
and King Mark is like it’s cool dude i’m not even gonna punish you
so uh
you have a couple options
you can leave with Isold again or you can just leave
and Tristram is like LEMME GO AHEAD AND PICK THE OPTION THAT WILL MAKE ME SADDER
and Isold is like fuck god dammit what shit cocks asshole fuck cocks cocks ass
and then tristram leaves and kills a fuckton of monsters and cries a lot

BUT THEN ONE DAY
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT
TRISTRAM KILLS A WHOLE BUNCH MORE DUDES
that isn’t the lucky part actually
honestly at this point in the story
it’s pretty much expected that Tristram will kill all the dudes
because like i said the only dude who is better than him is Lancelot
and Lancelot is busy concealing his penis in Guenivere so that fight isn’t happening
no no see the lucky part
is once Tristram has once again killed all the dudes
the king whose ass he just saved is like hey bro
do you wanna marry my sister
and he wheels out his sister who LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD ISOLD
and guys
guess what her name is
ISOLD OF THE WHITE HANDS
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SOMEONE WENT BACK IN TIME AND CLONED HER
AND THEN TELEPORTED HER TO THE PRESENT
MAYBE FUTURE TRISTRAM DID THIS IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECAPTURE HIS LOST YOUTH
IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF A MEGASWEET DOCTOR WHO/KING ARTHUR CROSSOVER FANFIC?
no no wait it’s just a coincidence sorry
but anyway Tristram is like shit yeah i’ll marry this chick
and they get hitched
but then i guess Tristram gets turned off
by the idea of banging a pubescent clone of the one and only love of his life
/if he got laid he wouldn’t be sad anymore and he can’t have that
so he goes a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR without banging this chick
who, let us remember, is ABNORMALLY HOT
even if she is jailbait
but anyway Isold of the White Hands’s brother
whose name is Kaherdin by the way
finds out about this and is like HOW DARE YOU NOT FUCK MY SISTER
NOW WE MUST KUNG FU FIGHT
BUT WITH SWORDS AND NO KUNG FU
and Tristram is like fuck it whatever
if that’s what you wanna do let’s do it
and then Kaherdin is like hold on how about we think about this for a second
WHAT
PEOPLE THINKING BEFORE MURDERING EACH OTHER
I THOUGHT I WAS READING SOME KING ARTHUR SHIT
NOT U.N. RESOLUTION #1401B
but yeah Kaherdin is like you’re not boning my sister
cuz you really wanna bone some other chick you can’t ever ever bone right?
and Tristram is like yup
and Kaherdin is like ok well let’s go see her and see if you still wanna bang her
so they go and they see her
and tristram still wants to bang her
and Kaherdin suddenly wants to bang Brangwain even though she is totally unhot
but when Kaherdin finds out tristram still wants to do Isold
(who looks old as shit now because sadness)
he’s like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
MY SISTER IS NUBILE AS FUCK
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE CRYPT KEEPER OVER THERE FOR
NOW WE MUST SERIOUSLY KUNG FU FIGHT
so they fight
and tristram doesn’t even try to defend himself
and then he gets mortally wounded

so Kaherdin is satisfied that he has defended his sister’s honor
but now he’s really bummed out that he has mortally wounded his best bro Tristram
so he is like DUDE DUDE
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO ASSIST YOU IN NOT DYING?
and Tristram is like yeah how about lemme see La Belle Isold
one more time before i die
i mean she actually healed me from mega illness before
so there is a legit reason for her to show up
also could you please drag me out onto the nearby cliffs
so i can watch for your ship to come back
and if you have La Belle Isold on board please put up a white flag
and if you do not please put up a black flag so i can waste no time killing myself
and Kaherdin is like NO PROBLEM DUDE

so Kaherdin goes back to Cornwall and gets Isold and Brangwain
and on the boat he is spitting MAD game at Brangwain and they totally hit it off
but meanwhile Isold of the White Hands is tending to Tristram’s wounds
and he is getting super delirious and he is like OH BTW
I ONLY MARRIED YOU CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE THIS CHICK ISOLD I LOVE WAY MORE THAN YOU
SHE IS ON HER WAY RIGHT NOW
I AM GOING BLIND FROM BLOOD LOSS COULD YOU PLEASE WATCH FOR THE BOAT
so obviously moody teenage Isold is not too pleased about this
and when Kaherdin’s boat finally shows up on the horizon
and Tristram is like WHAT COLOR IS THE SAIL WHAT COLOR IS IT HUH HUH
she is like
whatever color it is that means your fucking slut isn’t coming
uh i mean
black
and then Tristram’s heart FUCKING EXPLODES

so La Belle Isold gets off the boat
and sprints up onto the cliffs to where Tristram is at
just in time to see him spitting up blood and being as dead as possible
so of course then SHE dies
but it’s cool because then Brangwain and Kahardin get married
so at least SOMEONE is happy

so the moral of the story
is most people don’t even find ONE true love in their whole fucking lives
so if you get your true love handed to you on a silver platter
and then you elect to abandon her for abstract honor reasons
and then someone else hands you an EXACT DUPLICATE of your true love
no strings attached
and you proceed to alienate her by pining over the original version
WHO YOU ABANDONED
you deserve whatever happens

THE END

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Sir Gawain Gets Married?!

Alright
everybody stop what you’re doing
and congratulate helpful robot Andrew and cyborg bride-to-be Jessica
on their sweet-ass engagement
OH SHIT WAIT NO DON’T STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING KEEP READING KEEP READING
because graverobbing action hero Maxx Moribund payed me INTERNET CASH DOLLARS
to serenade you fuckers with a sweet myth about gettin’ married
in honor of this momentous occasion
and i had to search my fucking ASS OFF to find one where everybody doesn’t get killed
or like exiled or raped or their eyes get cut out or whatever
and I’ve already done Atalanta
so i had to break my moratorium on Arthurian nonsense
to tell you THIS THING:

okay so Sir Gawain right
everyone knows he is the ultimate ladies’ man
this is a dude who wakes up every morning
and rolls out of bed INTO A THREESOME
A TWO CHICK THREESOME MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE GAWAIN IS 100% SUPER HETEROSEXUAL
THIS IS CANON
but in this story
Sir Gawain gets married?
RECORD SCRATCH
WHAT?!
ok hold your incredulity horses my friends
i will explain

okay so Arthur right
he is rolling around England with all his dudes
fucking up bad guys and whatever
when all of a sudden they run into this huge asshole
i forget his name i think he’s a baron or something
whatever it doesn’t matter
this dude is like OY
ARTHUR
FIGHT ME
and arthur is like sure ok
lemme just draw my swordOH SHIT WHERE’S MY SWORD
and the huge asshole is like HAHA BITCH I STOLE IT EARLIER
NOW I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH IT
and arthur is like aw balls
being alive has been pretty sweet for me
i am kind of reluctant to stop doing that
and asshole mcshittyknight is like WELL ALRIGHT
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO EMBARASS YOURSELF
BEFORE I INEVITABLY KILL YOU
HERE IS HOW WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS
YOU HAVE ONE YEAR TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
AND IF YOU CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT
I WILL KILL YOU WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING SWORD
ladies
be honest now
is this not objectively better
than the plot of EVERY CHICK FLICK EVER
cast John Cusack in that motherfucker
INSTANT BOX OFFICE GOLD

so Arthur is like aw fuck
I can’t even find the clitoris
how am i going to find out what women want
at which point Gawain is like AHEM
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND A HOOHA
COME ON UNCLE
LET’S SET SAIL ON THIS VAGINAL VOYAGE
YOU CAN BE THE CAPTAIN
I WILL BE YOUR POON SEXTANT
(all in favor of replacing “wingman” with “poon sextant” say aye)

so Arthur and Gawain go off trying to figure out what women want
and they are having NO LUCK WHATSOEVER
or actually
they are having WAY TOO MUCH LUCK
because everyone has a different fucking idea of what women want
even women
which explains a lot honestly
some people are like MONEY
and some people are like BIG MUSCLES
and some people are like SEXYTIMES
and some people are like COMPLIMENTS
or maybe FLOWERS
or TONS OF HUSBANDS
or A JETPACK
oh wait no
fuck
that’s me
I want a jetpack
man if i could find a woman with a jetpack
i mean
that would be one-stop shopping right there

anyway they spend a WHOLE YEAR on this nonsense
and they have a bigass stack of things women want
all of which are TOTALLY UNSATISFACTORY
and they’re on their way back to where that asshole lives
to get murdered
WHY DO THESE GUYS ALWAYS OBEDIENTLY RETURN TO THE DUDES WHO WANNA MURDER THEM
THAT’S LIKE IF SOMEONE CAME UP TO YOU IN THE STREET AND WAS LIKE
HEY
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE SOME TIME
I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE SPINE AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS
AND YOU WERE LIKE OHHHHH SHITTTTT
GUESS I GOTTA GO DO THAT NOW

but anyway yeah they’re on their way back to get killed
and suddenly some ugly chick jumps out of the bushes like BOO
and holy shit
this is the chick
that the ugly stick got beaten with
seriously it looks like her facial anatomy just decided to call in sick
but then the manager got pissed off and dragged it into work anyway
but it wasn’t kidding
it was actually sick
and then it vomited all over the place out of spite
like she’s got an eyeball up on her forehead kind of doing its own thing
and her mouth is like a twizzler of hatred
and her nose is pretty much like what would happen
if pinnochio crossbred with an accordion
I’M CALLING RULE 34 ON THAT SHIT
anyway this bitch is basically ruining everything with her face
like birds are dropping out of the sky and chipmunks are crying
and arthur and Gawain’s dicks straight up retract into their lungs
and the chick is like hey guys whats up
and arthur is like uh
not much
just on our way to get killed
and the chick is like oh shit well
i can help you with that
because see
i know the answer to that riddle the dude asked you
and arthur is like GAWAIN WILL TOTALLY MARRY YOU IF YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER
and the chick is like ok sounds good
and she writes down the answer for him
and then she’s like see you later handsome
and Gawain vomits a little

so the ugly chick leaves
and Gawain turns to Arthur like
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Arthur is like chill out
you don’t have to actually marry her
she already gave me the answer to the riddle
it’s not like we live by a strict code of honor or anything
oh wait
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
oh well at least it’s not me that has to marry her

so they go meet that huge asshole who caused all these problems
and he is like OK WHAT DO WOMEN WANT
and Arthur is like well
women want to be allowed to make their own decisions
which is actually a pretty enlightened fucking answer
and the asshole knight is like AAAA FUCK YOU
YOU TOTALLY RAN INTO MY SISTER DIDN’T YOU
THAT UGLY CHICK IS MY SISTER
GOD DAMMIT I’M GONNA SET THAT BITCH ON FIRE
and then he gallops away to do more shitty awful things

so the day is saved!
yay!
but wait
Gawain still has to marry that gross puddle of hideous
and sir Kay
who is always looking for an opportunity
to talk shit about people who are better than him
is like DAG YO I WOULD NOT MARRY THAT CHICK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
and Gawain is like listen
i am a guy who only accepts shitty propositions
i have a reputation to uphold
MARRIAGE AHOY

so he marries this chick
trying not to touch or look at or smell her the entire time
and then they retire to some sexy private chambers
to do the marital lap-slap
and Gawain is like oh man i’m going to vomit i can’t do this
and the chick is like well if you’re going to vomit
at least do it while kissing me
and he kisses her and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
SUDDENLY SHE IS A HOT CHICK
and Gawain is like um?
and this chick
(whose name is Lady Ragnell)
is like ok well i mean you should have seen this coming dude
come you get magically pranked so fucking often it’s obscene
but yeah basically i had an evil stepmom and blah blah blah
BUT THERE IS A CATCH
i’m not gonna be this fine piece of ass at all times
you gotta pick whether i’m gonna look like this during the day or at night
and Gawain is like SWEATY CRUSTY BALLS
if I have her be hot at night
then we can bang like crazy
but then during the day I can’t take her ANYWHERE
i’m gonna be so unpopular
but if I make her be hot during the day
i might as well stick my dick in a fucking trash compactor
aaaa i can’t make this decision
hey hot chick
how about YOU decide
I trust your sexy lady judgement
and Lady Ragnell is like YOU JUST SAID THE MAGIC WORDS
ALL WOMEN WANT IS TO BE GIVEN THEIR WILL
PLEASE TO ENJOY PERMANENT HOTNESS STARTING NOW
and then Gawain suddenly has a really hot wife forever
and she also has lots of personality because she was ugly for so long
and basically it is great and everyone loves it
except for Sir Kay but fuck that guy

so Andrew
this story has a very important lesson in it especially for you
(this lesson is also for everyone else but don’t tell Andrew
I want him to feel special)
basically the moral of the story is
if your special lady presents you with a set of choices
and all of the choices are terrible for you
tell her to make the decision herself
she’ll love it
trust me

THE END

(seriously though congratulations.)

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Percival has a habit of listening to idiots

Fearful supplication
to socialite necromancer Diablo Von Wormfeeder
for the money necessary to tell this myth about some idiots

okay so Percival right
he’s riding around looking for the holy grail
or just fucking up knights and saving damsels or whatever
honestly all these dudes have fucking ADD
(except king Pellenor but that’s a totally different story)
because they will be riding along doing their sworn mission
when all of a sudden OH LOOK A CASTLE
or OH WHAT IS THIS A DRAGON
or LOOK ANOTHER GUY ON A HORSE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR:
INDISCRIMINATE VIOLENCE!
but back to the story at hand

see Percival may be a real strong dude
and he may have some really sweet armor now cuz he stole it from a dude he killed
but he is still a huge idiot
and in fact he will always be a huge idiot
this is a non-negotiable aspect of his character
but lo and behold here comes some knight
called Sir Gornamont
who just has to go trying to make Percival LESS STUPID SOMEHOW
he’s like DUDE
DUUUUUUDE
you have some sweet armor and everything
but everyone can tell almost immediately
that you fell out of the moron tree
while trying to pick stupidberries
for a dumbfuck casserole
here let me train you in some knight shit

OKAY SO RULE 1:
don’t kill dudes who are unarmed or tell you not to kill them
RULE 2:
be nice to damsels
RULE 3:
don’t ask so many fucking questions
questions are stupid and you are stupid for asking them
and percival is like ok sounds good
and OFF HE GOES LOOKING FOR MORE TROUBLE

and of course he finds trouble
all over the fucking place
trouble is everywhere in arthurian times
but eventually he gets pretty tired from all the trouble all the fuck everywhere
and he is like fuck i better find someplace to rest
so he gets to this river right
and there are some dudes fishing in the river
and they are like oh man sorry dude
there is no bridge for like a LOOOOONG ways
but you can totally stay at my castle
it’s over that way

so percival starts riding
and he’s riding and riding and riding
and he’s like where the fuck is this castle
but then SUPRISE
HERE IT IS
so Percival goes inside
and WHOA
THERE’S THE FISHERMAN
SITTING AT THE HEAD OF THIS BIGASS TABLE
HE IS THE KING
what the fuck how did he get here so fast
and why didn’t he give percival a lift
clearly there was some magic involved
are you telling me there was NO MAGIC TO SPARE?
BULLSHIT
OLDE ENGLAND HAS GOT MAGIC COMING OUT ITS FUCKING EARS
WHAT THE FUCK FISHER KING WAY TO TIRE OUT AN INNOCENT GOD-FEARING HORSE
but anyway the king is all laid up on a couch like mannn
i’m super injured dude
have been for a while
but yeah sit down have some food
and no sooner does Percival sit down
when some dude walks in with a bigass lance
and BLOOD IS FUCKING COMING OUT OF IT
and Percival is thinking what the fuck is this shit
but he doesn’t say it because he remembers that QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTS
and then some chick struts in with a fancy ass goblet
and Percival is thinking DOUBLE WTF 2X MAX POINTS COMBO
but he doesn’t say SHIT
cause QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTS
and these fuckers fancyswagger all across the room THREE FUCKING TIMES
and every time they do
ALL THE PLATES AND CUPS ON THE BIGASS TABLE FILL UP
AND EVERYONE EATS FOOD
and Percival is thinking THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKS THAT I WANT TO KNOW THE WHATS OF
but still he stays TOTALLY GRAVE-ASS SILENT
because QUESTIONS
ARE FOR
IDIOTS
and then they finish eating and the fisher king is like alright well
feeling pretty shitty cause of my grievous injuries
gonna hit the sack
night dude
and percival is like yeah for sure
and then he passes out
and wakes up in the morning
and EVERYONE IS GONE
but at least his armor has been cleaned so that’s good
and he gets on his horse
and he leaves the castle
and the drawbridge goes up behind him
and then he sees some chick standing around with a headless dude in her arms
like BOO HOO HOO THIS GUY IS DEAD CAN YOU TELL
and percival is like I WILL HELP
and the chick is like orly
can you reattach severed heads because that is basically the only solution here
and Percival is like well shit
guess not then
and the chick is like PS
you are an asshole
if you had asked even one question during that feast
the king would have been totally healed
because that cup?
THAT WAS THE HOLY GRAIL
and that lance
apparently stabbed christ in the nuts
so WAY TO GO ASSHOLE WAY TO FIND THE GRAIL AND THEN JUST FUCKING FAIL ON ALL COUNTS

so percival goes back to Camelot all sad-like
and tells arthur about this shit
and then some ugly bitch shows up like HEY
PERCIVAL
IN CASE YOU FORGOT ALREADY
YOU FUCKED UP
WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS
and percival is like holy shit i get it ok
how about i go back out and find the stupid grail again
how about that
how about i find it and then i’ll ask a FUCKTON of questions
how does that sound
will you fucking stop bothering me if I do that?
and the old chick is like sure whatever
and Percival does actually eventually find the grail
but i’m pretty sure he doesn’t ask any fucking questions
so there goes that promise

anyway the moral of the story
is if you see a bunch of weird shit going on
and you have no idea what that shit is
it’s probably the holy grail
so fuck asking questions
just take that shit

the end.

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Sir Gawain is a guy who only accepts shitty propositions

Groveling thank-you to gun-wielding murder hurricaine Maximillian Deathpitt
for paying me money to do something I was ALREADY DESPERATE TO DO
HERE IS WHAT IT IS:

Man Sir Gawain is the ultimate motherfucker

in fact
there’s a good chance he actually fucked your mother
because where Sir Gawain goes
few asses remain untapped
seriously he is the patron saint of titillating the tuna taco
and also apparently the sworn protector of ladies
which is only kind of a conflict of interest
but how that came about is a story for some other time

the story for right now
is about how one day
pretty much immediately after Lancelot joined the round table actually
all the knights are chilling out eating lunch
and suddenly this dude just busts in on his horse
guys
this shit happens all the time
people are constantly just walking into the dining room of this fucking castle
do they just leave the gates open with a sign that says
PROBLEMS?
CONSIDER CAUSING THEM IN HERE

anyway this is no ordinary knight we are talking about
because this fucker is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GREEN
also his horse is green
his armor is green
everyone assumes his pubes are green but no one wants to check
oh yeah also his skin

so Arthur is like whoa dude what the fuck
either you are making some kind of a statement about the environment
OR
some seriously weird shit is going on right now
OR
both
and the green knight is like OPTION B IT IS
you see i am known as the green knight
and King Arthur is like no shit
and the green knight is like shut up
look
i am trying to find a knight for an idiotic adventure
have I come to the right place?
and Arthur is like YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
and the knight is like great
ok here’s what you do
pick one of your knights, and he gets to hit me once
with my axe
and if I survive I get to hit him back one year from now
so basically like that game where I kick you in the nuts
and then you kick me in the nuts
and so on
except you get to go first
and we are playing with AXES
and Arthur is like THAT DOES NOT SOUND SUSPICIOUS AT ALL

so then he turns to Lancelot
like hey Lancelot
you just joined the round table right
and you’re the best knight in the world
this shit sounds like it is right up your alley
but Lancelot
who pretty much refuses EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK LIKE A BADASS
is like nah i’m too weak to do whatever it is
let Sir Gawain do it
he looks like he really wants to do it
and Sir Gawain is like HOLY SHIT PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME
so Arthur is like sure ok go for it
and Gawain is like HA HA HA NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG
and he picks up the axe and he REMOVES THE KNIGHT’S HEAD WITH IT
but then PLOT TWIST
the head just rolls around the room like HAHAHAHAHA BITCH
and then the knight picks his head up
puts it back on his neck
and is like ok Gawain see you in one year
and Gawain is like aw balls

so for a year Gawain kind of tries to forget about this shit
but eventually it is time for him to go find the Green Knight
but luckily Gawain has no idea where that fucker lives
so he just starts wandering around on his horse
pretty much just going wherever
probably hoping that he’ll get lost and not have to die
and that plan is going pretty well
i mean this green knight could basically be anywhere in the fucking universe
and Gawain only has 4 days left to find him
but then night falls
and Gawain’s horse rams into a castle wall
and Gawain is like OH SHIT BEDS
MUST HAVE
and some dude comes to the door like HELLO SIR
and Gawain is like hey man do you know if there are any green knights up in here?
and the dude is like oh yeah man he lives like 2 blocks from here
and Gawain is like DAMMIT WHAT ARE THE ODDS
well can I at least hang out here for the next couple days
and the dude is like DO COME INSIDE

so Gawain gets inside and this castle is P-I-M-P
fucking tapestries all up the hell right now
couches so finely upholstered it is like there are couches on those couches
and Gawain is like whoa this is some pretty sweet shit
and the dude is like OH I KNOW
WELCOME TO LIBERTY CASTLE
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AT LIBERTY CASTLE
THE ONLY LIMIT
IS YOURSELF
so can i get you some young boys to fuck or anything?
seriously whatever you want
and Gawain is like WHY IS YOUNG BOYS THE FIRST THING YOU OFFER ME
DO I LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE OR SOMETHING
DO I HAVE A CREEPY UNWASHED BEARD
DO I LOITER NEAR SCHOOLS AND PLAYGROUNDS
and the lord guy is like whoa whoa calm down
you can fuck my wife instead if you want
look here she is
isn’t she hot
and Gawain is like DUDE I AM GOING TO DIE IN 4 DAYS
TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE VIRTUOUS RIGHT NOW
and the lord is like oh ok that’s cool that’s cool
we were just about to have dinner
do you want some midgets to suck your dick under the table
I can make that happen
PS: Tonight’s menu is nothing but POWERFUL APHRODISIACS
so basically
Gawain has just stumbled into the castle from the fucking Rocky Horror Picture Show
NOW WITH SWORDS

So Gawain is like nope nope nope nope
just gonna have some cold mutton
and then go to my room and masturbate furiously until i forget about your wife
pretty sure it is not possible to walk ten feet in this place
without committing some kind of mortal sin
so i am going to play it safe
and just stay in my room more or less constantly until it is time to leave

SO THE NEXT MORNING HAPPENS
and the lord of the castle shows up in Gawain’s room like hey buddy
bout to go out hunting
wanna make a suspicious deal?
and Gawain is like DO I
WHAT IS IT
and the lord is like ok how about at the end of the day
I give you whatever I get during the course of my day
and you give me whatever YOU get
and Gawain is like well shit
not like i’m gonna get anything
just gonna hang out here and pray for forgiveness for all the vag I’ve pounded
this sounds like free stuff city right here
I ACCEPT
and the lord is like EXCELLENT
and then he leaves
and Gawain starts trying to figure out where the chapel is

but he has NO IDEA where the chapel is
so he rings this little bell the lord gave him to summon servants with
and who shows up but THE LORD’S HOT WIFE
wearing a dress that can only be described as a goddamn tits fiasco
and she is like hey sugarduck what part of you do you want fellated
and Gawain is like NONE
NO PARTS
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE CHAPEL IS
and the chick starts crying
and Gawain is like whoa i’m sorry i’m sorry
and the chick is like MY HUSBAND THINKS MY LIPS ARE GROSS
and Gawain is like madame i assure you
your saliva pillows are some straight up artisinally crafted shit
and the chick is like NO NO THE CONSISTENCY IS ALL WRONG
HERE KISS THEM SO YOU CAN GIVE ME AN INFORMED OPINION
and Gawain is like WELL OKAY
BUT JUST THIS ONCE
and he kisses her
and she is all trying to jam her tongue down his throat and shit
but Gawain is super honorable about this shit and he keeps those teeth SHUT
and then he is like uh um okay
forget about the chapel
just get the fuck out of my room
and then he goes back to praying and masturbating
like GOD I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN
BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO BE VIRTUOUS IN A METEOR SWARM OF TITS

anyway then the lord comes home
and he is like HEY I GOT YOU SOME PHEASANTS
DID YOU GET ANYTHING TODAY?
and Gawain is like nope
and the Lord is like ARE YOU SURE
ANYTHING AT ALL
and Gawain is like aw fuck
I got kissed
so he has to make out with this dude a little
and then he is like you know what man
how about I just leave this fucking place and sleep in the woods
and the Lord is like NOPE
INVISIBLE WALL BITCH
GOTTA STAY HERE UNTIL IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GO DIE
OH HEY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THE SAME DEAL TOMORROW?
and Gawain is like uh no thanks
not really hungry for more meat
in any sense of the word
and the lord is like well dude I can get you some sweet bear pelts or whatever
come on
are you a pansy?
and Gawain is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PANSY
I ACCEPT

so the next day
Gawain decides he is going to just try and find the chapel on his own
and not risk running into the dude’s wife
but the dude’s wife is apparently IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT RUN INTO
because she finds him pretty much immediately
and she is like BOO HOO MY HUSBAND DOESN’T LIKE MY TITS
and Gawain is like look bitch i am wise to your pranks
you are just trying to get me to squeeze your soft firm love buoys
WELL COUNT ME IN
and then he honks her boobs
and maybe he honks them a little too thoroughly
because then she is like WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE COWBOY
I JUST WANTED A QUICK FIRMNESS ASESSMENT NOT A FUCKING MAMMOGRAM
and she leaves
and Gawain is like PLEASE GOD PLEASE
STOP TRYING TO BURY ME IN A BOOB TSUNAMI

so then the lord gets home
and he is like here is a bear pelt
WHAT DID YOU GET
and Gawain is like sigh
unbutton your shirt
and then he honks the dude’s hairy manboobs
and the lord is like hm I wonder whose boobs you honked
not even clear if it was a man or a woman…
and Gawain is like CERTAINLY WAS NOT YOUR WIFE
OF THAT MUCH I CAN ASSURE YOU
and the lord is like welp
you’re only in my castle for one more day
WANNA MAKE THAT SHITTY DEAL AGAIN?
and Gawain is like fuck it
whatever
oh hey where is your chapel by the way
and the lord is like WE DON’T HAVE ONE WE’RE PAGANS
and Gawain is like wow that explains everything
probably should have seen that coming

SO THE NEXT DAY
Gawain wakes up
and he’s just like you know what
fuck it
that chick is gonna find me no matter what
i’m just going to find her first and give her a piece of my mind
my MIND
NOT MY PENIS
DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GIVE HER PART OR ALL OF MY PENIS
so he walks around for a bit and it is not long before he finds the chick’s room
and he busts in like DON’T EVEN TRY TO SEDUCE ME BITCH
and she is sitting on her bed reading all proper-like
and she’s like what
who are you why are you in my room
GUARDS
SEIZE HIM
and Gawain is like what
what is this
and then some guards run in
and Gawain CHOPS THEM IN HALF
and then the chick jumps on him like I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF
OOP WAIT I MEANT HAVE SEX WITH YOU
MY MISTAKE
and before anyone realizes what’s going on
SEX IS HAPPENING
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY TWO DUDES HAD TO DIE TO MAKE THIS OCCUR
IS THIS
THE MOST BRUTAL SEDUCTION?

anyway Gawain lays the sexytimes on pretty thick
and then when sex time is over
he’s like oh fuck
several problems suddenly occur to me
1) I just fucked another dude’s wife
2) as per my agreement with the dude I now have to fuck HIM
3) I just killed two men but honestly who gives a shit
FUCK WHAT DO I DO

so he goes back to his room and he starts feverishly praying again
and pretty soon the lord shows up like HEY BUDDY I BROUGHT YOU SOME MORE MEAT
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEAT FOR ME?
and Gawain is like NONE
I GOT NOTHING
and the Lord is like ARE YOU SURE
and Gawain is like SURE AS CRYSTAL
and the Lord is like welp
okay then
guess you are free to go
and Gawain is like YESSSSSS

but he still feels like shit though
because he just fucked a dude’s wife and then lied to him about it
and even worse
he broke a SWORN AGREEMENT BETWEEN TWO MEN
this is not something that knights are supposed to do
so he mopes his way on down the road to the chapel where the green knight lives
and the knight is there like oh hey man
right on time
and Gawain is just like hurry the fuck up and end me man
I’m a wretched piece of shit and I deserve to die
and the knight is like alright dude just put your head on my murderblock right here
and then he brings down the axe
BUT HE DOESN’T CUT OFF GAWAIN’S HEAD
HE JUST KIND OF GRAZES HIS NECK A LITTLE
and then he stands up like haha Gawain I pranked you
i am actually the lady of the lake
and that whole castle was an illusion
and that chick was me
and the dude was also me
and this whole thing was a test
and you passed
because it is better to lie
than be gay
ONLY FUCK VAGINAS MY FRIEND THAT IS THE LESSON

but that isn’t the moral of the story
because see
if the lady of the lake was the chick
and also the dude
then the dude wasn’t really a dude
he was a chick
so Gawain wouldn’t have been fucking a dude
he would have been fucking a chick
so the moral of the story
is your life will probably be a lot more fun
if you assume every moral quandary is a test from magic fairies
and just have sex with EVERYONE

THE END

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The Holy Grail is Exciting. Galahad is Not.

Quick announcement my friends:
I am still going to post all the Arthurian myths
that have been requested thus far
but i’m not going to be taking any more arthurian requests
cuz i am working on some secret special project nonsense now
EXCITING
(I will still take requests for other shit though just to be clear)

Alright so when last we left our heroes

Percival was a retard
Lancelot was a masochist
Galahad was the chosen one
and Bors was less important than everyone else
EXCELLENT
SHALL WE CONTINUE?
YES

so Lancelot gets back to camelot
and Arthur is like whoa fuck
welcome back dude
let’s have a feast
but Sir Kay busts into the room like NOT SO FAST ASSHOLE
ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE SUPER DRUNK
YOU MADE A PLEDGE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER EAT DINNER ON SUNDAY
UNTIL YOU HAD SOME KIND OF LUDICROUS ADVENTURE
and Arthur is like oh fuck
guess we can’t eat because of my shortsighted drunken oath

but then RIGHT ON CUE
here comes some dude like hey guys
a bigass stone just appeared in the moat
AND GUESS WHAT
it has a SWORD in it
did merlin do this?
seems like his M.O.
fuck no merlin hasn’t gone anywhere near these assholes in YEARS
he’s off getting his dick sucked by pterodactyls in the prehistoric or some shit
who knows
he’s merlin
he does what he wants

anyway they all go out to see this sword
and there is a big plaque on it
like HEY ONLY THE BEST KNIGHT EVER CAN PULL ME OUT
PS IF YOU TRY TO PULL ME OUT AND FAIL
IMA STAB YOU LATER
so Arthur is like hey lancelot
you’re the best knight ever right?
go pull out this sword
and Lancelot is like fuck no
I have a REALLY ABYSMAL SELF IMAGE
also i don’t want to get stabbed
and Arthur is like shit well if Lancelot can’t do it
then no one can
hey Gawain see if you can do it
and Gawain
who has a habit of agreeing to EVERY SHITTY PROPOSITION
is like yeah sure
and he tries
and predictably fails
and arthur is like BALLS
now you’re gonna get stabbed dude

hey percival try and pull out the sword
and Percival is like DUR OK
and he ALSO fails
and arthur is like DOUBLE BALLS
ok well this counts as an adventure let’s have dinner

but no sooner do they start having dinner
then BAM Galahad shows up
and oh yeah i forgot to tell you
there’s this seat at the round table
that no one is allowed to sit at
because if you sit in it it sets you on fire
dunno why they keep it around honestly
but anyway when galahad shows up the chair is like HEY GALAHAD SIT ON ME
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU A LONG TIME BUDDY
so galahad sits right there
smack dab next to his absentee father actually
and then not only that but suddenly THE GRAIL SHOWS UP
GUYS WHY ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING FOR THIS THING IT IS JUST FOLLOWING THEM AROUND
and it gives everyone their favorite food
and then leaves
and Gawain
who of all the knights of the round table
is the dude who knows how to party the hardiest
is like DUDES
WE TOTALLY GOTTA GET THIS FUCKING GRAIL
OUR FEASTS WILL BE THE BOMB DIGGITY
and everyone is like shit yeah let’s do this
and Arthur is like no wait guys don’t leave me alone aww
well at least hang out long enough for Galahad to try drawing that sword
you know
from that stone?
and Galahad is like oh yeah i kinda know all about that shit
i actually brought a scabbard for it
no sword just a scabbard
i’m Galahad
you are going to have to get used to this kind of behavior from me
and he goes outside and takes the sword
and it is not very exciting at all
and then arthur is like shit well that was a buzzkill
HEY GUYS LET’S HAVE A TOURNAMENT
and Galahad refuses to wear a shield for some stupid reason
and then just straight handles everyone
all the way to the ground
except for Percival and Lancelot who just stay the fuck away
and Arthur is like well that was boring
alright guys I guess it’s grailtime
man i’m gonna be so lonely
PS pretty sure most of you are going to die on this quest
so uh
bye?

so then Galahad suits up and heads out
still without a shield
and pretty soon he comes across some monastery or something
and he is kind of tired
or at least his horse is tired
Galahad doesn’t get tired
he just gets progressively more perfect
anyway he goes into the monastery
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
TWO OTHER KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ARE THERE
including world champion stupid-name-haver
sir Bagdemagus
and Galahad is like hey guys what are you doing here
and Bagdemagus is like DUDE THERE IS THIS SWEET SHIELD HERE
EVERYONE WHO WEARS IT EITHER DIES OR GETS MAIMED
TOTALLY GONNA WEAR IT
so the monks show them the shield
and they are like dudes
if you are not the best knight ever
this shield is just gonna rain a whole world of pain on you
and Bagdemagus is like WELL I OBJECTIVELY KNOW
THAT I AM NOT THE BEST KNIGHT EVER
STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THIS
BUT FUCK IT I’MA WEAR IT ANYWAY
and Galahad is like ok dude i’ll just wait here
you know
for your corpse to get brought back and then i’ll take the shield
cause it’s mine
i mean duh that’s why i’m not wearing a shield
and Bagdemagus is like ARRIGHT DUDE SEE YOU IN A BIT

so Baggy-d gets like ten feet outside the monastery when a knight shows up
like HEY ASSHOLE LET’S FIGHT
as you do
and then IMMEDIATELY RUINS BAGGY’S SHIT
and is like dude that shield really clashes with your EVERYTHING
go give it to Galahad
and then Galahad is like alright well that was predictable
and Bagdemagus is like ERK DYING

CUT TO LANCELOT AND PERCIVAL
they’re just wandering through the woods
suddenly Galahad shows up
but
true to custom
no one knows who anyone else is
so they all start trying to beat the shit out of each other
except galahad doesn’t try
he just succeeds
and he hits Percival in the head real hard with his sword in the process
PROPHECY
FULFILLED
and then some hermit shows up like hey lancelot you kinda suck now huh
and then Galahad gets the fuck out of there
and Lancelot goes off to cry alone in the forest

so he’s in the forest
he passes out
some dude comes and steals his armor while he’s asleep
he goes to confession to try and convince god to give it back
and god gives it back
but then lancelot just proceeds to get unhorsed
again and again
by progressively less skilled knights
until he starts to feel REALLY shitty
guess god has a new favorite dude now?

MEANWHILE PERCIVAL
he is walking off his galahad induced concussion
when he finds a boat covered in black silk
his evil alarm should be going off at this point
but it is not
because remember
he is an idiot
so he gets on the boat and there’s a chick there
and she’s like hey Percival wanna fuck?
and Percival is like only if you get me drunk first
so she does
but then at the last second he remembers that Jesus hates sexytimes
and he crosses himself
AND THE WHOLE BOAT EXPLODES
CONVENIENT
and then the chick turns into a witch and is like DAMN YOUUUU
and flies away
at which point a WHITE boat shows up
and percival is like ok well this seems safe
and he gets on THAT boat and it sails away
guys if I were an evil witch
i would probably set myself up in a white boat
because no one seems to suspect white boats of ANYTHING
anyway then a few minutes later Sir Bors finds that same boat
as a result of his shitty god-trials
and he’s like oh shit hey percival what’s good
and Percival is like
EVERYTHING

Meanwhile Galahad is riding through the woods
winning at all things ever
seriously
this dude wins at so many things in such a short period of time
not even MALORY bothers to say what they were
and Malory fucking talks exhaustively about EVERYTHING
i mean normally Lancelot can’t even scratch his fucking balls
without Malory composing an eight page long sentence about it
but somehow Galahad manages to bore EVERYONE
WITH THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS SUCCESS
so after he does this for a while
he rolls up on a castle
and he sees a bunch of knights hanging out outside
I guess siegeing the fuck out of it?
it is not clear from the information given what they are actually doing there
anyway Galahad sees all these dudes and is like WELP
GUESS I BETTER HIT THEM WITH SWORDS
so he rides by
and he smacks some guys off their horses
and then swordslaps some asshole in the helmet REALLY HARD
and that asshole?
HE IS SIR GAWAIN
BOOM
PROPHECY
DOUBLE-FULFILLED
and then Galahad rides away before anyone can figure out what’s happening
so basically
Galahad’s main role so far
has been to show up just long enough to seriously wound his sworn comrades
then ride away as fast as he can
SPORTING AS FUCK
anyway then he finds that white boat the other dudes are on
also Percival’s sister shows up
she’s like yo percival what’s good
and Percival is like
AS I WAS JUST TELLING MY PAL BORS:
EVERYTHING

so the boat just starts magically taking them somewhere
and they land next to a castle
and some knights come out like
HEY
WELCOME TO SHITTY CASTLE
I SEE YOU HAVE A WOMAN
GONNA NEED HER BLOOD REAL QUICK
and the three knights are like aw hell no
and proceed to murder the fuck out of all the other dudes
ALL DAY
until the dudes from the castle are like ok
we get it
you are great at killing
we still need that blood though
seriously we have a chick in here that is dying
she needs virgin blood all over her face
and Percival’s sister is like fuck it whatever
and Percival is like SIS
THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU
and Percival’s sister is like dude look
it’s either this or go back home and embroider for the rest of my shitty life
this right here
this is the most metal way that I can hope to die
i’m going for it
so she does
and then probably her blood fails to heal the other chick
BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW MEDICINE WORKS
PEOPLE ARE NOT VAMPIRES

anyway then they drag Percival’s sister’s body back onto the boat
and the boat sails them to some castle where the grail is
and they staple a note to her boob for Lancelot to find later
and they go inside to check out this grail shit

MEANWHILE LANCELOT STAYS FAILING
but i guess he finally abuses himself enough
by wearing an uncomfortable shirt and repeatedly apologizing to god
that god is finally like UGH SHUT UP FINE
and the boat shows up with the dead chick in it
and Lancelot climbs aboard and finds the note
like lol we found the grail tough tits lancelot
and he’s like aw damn
maybe i can still make it in time to see the grail a little?
so the boat takes him to the same castle
and he climbs out and he goes to the door
and there are some lions but they aren’t really a problem
and he gets to the door to the hall where everyone is chilling with the grail
BUT HE CAN’T GO INSIDE
THERE IS A SWORD AND IT IS LIKE NO LANCELOT FUCK YOU
and Lancelot is like dammit sword
at least move out of the way so i can see the grail a little bit
I am trying to get a good photo for my vacation slide show
and the sword is like HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I KNOCK YOU OUT FOR A MONTH
and lancelot is like well that works too i guess
and he wakes up a month later and goes home
and makes more sex mistakes with Guenevere

MEANWHILE Bors Percival and Galahad roll out with the grail
and IMMEDIATELY get arrested by some shitty king
but it’s okay because they have the grail
which apparently has the power to turn dungeons into party city
they are in jail for years but it doesn’t even matter
and finally the king dies and he calls them all up like dudes
i am so sorry about that shit
and now i am dead
and everyone is like fuck who should be king
oh
how about GALAHAD
He’s great at everything why didn’t we think of this to begin with
so Galahad is king
but only for like ten minutes
because then Jesus and God and Joseph of Arimathea and Zeus and David Bowie show up
like hey Galahad come up to heaven
make sure to bring the grail
and Galahad is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they beam him up to heaven
and Percival is like AW BALLS
and dies of sadness in a monestary
and Bors is like well shit
better go back to Camelot and make sure my uncle isn’t making any sex mistakes
and then the kingdom is like well shit
who’s gonna be king now?
and then they probably get murdered by the Saxons
and nobody gets to see the grail ever again
ESPECIALLY not Gawain

So the moral of the story
is you can achieve the impossible
if you just believe
but honestly it isn’t worth it
because you have to like never have sex or anything
plus as soon as you achieve the impossible
your friend with leukemia is just going to grab it and ascend to heaven

THE END

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Sir Bors is just Batshit Insane

Oh holy shit guys

I totally forgot
about the least important knight
out of ALL the knights that get to see the holy grail
honestly that’s still not that bad though
considering there are only four dudes who get to see it
and one of them is Galahad and that was kind of a foregone conclusion
so i’m gonna put off telling the actual graily part for ONE MORE DAY
and instead tell you about SIR BORS

so this Bors guy
I mentioned him before
he’s Lancelot’s nephew
the one who gets Lancelot to stop being a little baby
and come murder dudes and fuck Arthur’s wife instead
and he is also the dude who shows up at Elaine’s castle
right after Lancelot leaves the first time
and sees the holy grail for a quick second
and then trips balls
and hallucinates a bunch of leopards fighting dragons and junk

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
he is also the dude who makes the most STUPIDLY STRICT OATH
in the name of finding the grail
here is the story of THAT shit

so basically
right at the beginning
when all the dudes start setting out to look for the grail
Bors goes to a church and is like hey god
only gonna eat bread and water from now on
also gonna wear a super uncomfortable shirt
only sleep on the floor
and bang no women WHATSOEVER
(i mean he wasn’t getting laid to begin with but still)
and god is like I LOVE SUFFERING
YOUR REWARD:
HALLUCINATIONS
so that’s why he sees all those dragons and shit
but with great power comes A WHOLE LOT OF POINTLESS BULLSHIT
because god resolves to test the fuck out of him
or maybe it’s satan that does that
it is a VERY FINE LINE MY FRIENDS

so the first test
is Bors has to rescue this damsel
you know
like you do
and then the dude who is keeping the damsel is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Bors is like FUCK
KILLING IS SUDDENLY AGAINST MY RELIGION
BETTER JUST BEAT THIS GUY WITH THE FLAT OF MY SWORD TIL HE GIVES UP
so that works
TEST ONE: PASSED

but the next test sucks significantly more
because like ten minutes later
Bors is riding through the woods
and he sees TWO SHITTY THINGS HAPPENING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS
one thing is a chick being chased by a knight who is gonna bone her
and the other one is his best bro Lionel getting BEAT BY THORNS
he only has time to save one or the other
so what does he do
he chooses the maiden
which understandably pisses off his brother Lionel
BECAUSE THIS IS A TEXTBOOK VIOLATION
OF BROS BEFORE HOS
but I guess god doesn’t see it that way
because test number two is considered a RESOUNDING SUCCESS

then the god gets bored and cranks the shittiness knob up to 11
because the next thing that happens
is this priest runs up to Bors
like DUDE
THERE’S A CHICK IN THAT TOWER OVER THERE
IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER RIGHT NOW SHE IS GOING TO DIE
and Bors is like that sounds incredibly fishy
but i’ll see what I can do
uh
AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T INVOLVE SEX IS WHAT I MEAN
so he follows the priest to the tower
and there is a chick in there
and she’s like yeah basically i need your cock
or I die
pretty simple
and Bors is like um sorry toots I kinda made an oath to god?
and the chick is like COME ON MAN PASS THE CANOLIES
I’M LITERALLY DYING OVER HERE
and Bors is like nup
and the chick is like IF YOU DON’T BANG ME I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY
and Bors is like that’s gonna really suck for you
i mean you’re not gonna get laid
and THEN you are also going to be dead
double whammy
and the chick is like HOW ABOUT TWELVETUPLE WHAMMY ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T USE YOUR PENIS ON MY RIGHT NOW
I AM ALSO GOING TO PUSH MY TWELVE LADYSERVANTS OFF THE BALCONY
and Bors is like has anyone ever told you you come on kind of strong?
and the chick is like FUCK THIS IMA TURN INTO DEMONS
THIS WAS ALL A TEST BY THE WAY AND YOU PASSED
so that’s THREE wretched experiences courtesy of god
but at least they are SUCCESSFUL wretched experiences

but number four is the real doozy
because this is when the whole bros before hos thing
really comes to bite him in the ass
see his bro Lionel survives the whole getting beat with thorns thing
and when he wakes up from his pain coma
he is like BORSSSSSSSS
(even though bors TOTALLY found his body after he passed out from pain
and brought him to a monastery to recover)
anyway he tracks Bors down
and he is like HEY DUDE
DO YOU KNOW THE ALPHABET?
and Bors is like kind of
why?
and Lionel is like WHICH LETTER COMES FIRST
B OR H
and Bors is like uh it’s B right?
and Lionel is like CORRECT
SO TELL ME SPERMCLOWN
HOW IS IT
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY JUSTIFY
PLACING HOS
BEFORE BROS?
THIS SHIT IS CODIFIED IN THE FUCKING ALPHABET
THERE IS A PROTOCOL
and Bors is like dude chill out
and Lionel is like DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL OUT
I WILL DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT
TIME TO REMOVE YOUR SKULL
and then a hermit shows up like hey no don’t do that
so lionel KILLS HIM
OBVIOUSLY
I MEAN WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO TO HERMITS
and then another one of the round table dudes shows up like hey quit it
doesn’t matter who he is
cause Lionel KILLS HIM TOO
but first he chases him around for a while
while shitty mcworthlessknight is like hey
hey stop it
hey Bors why aren’t you helping me
i was trying to save your life dude what the fuck
and Bors is like it’s this whole no killing thing
it’s a really restrictive rule when you are a knight
and then Lionel comes back over like alright dude
i think i’ve killed everyone in a ten mile radius
i think we are alone now and i can kill you
and Bors is like don’t do it man
we are bros remember
i mean shit
my name is an ANAGRAM of bros
and Lionel is like you should have thought of that BEFORE you gave priority to hos
but just then
GOD finally decides to show up
and he’s like dudes just stop fighting
this is profoundly stupid
even I think it’s stupid
and stupid shit is pretty much all I ever do
like for example:
this whole fiasco
it was my fault
gonna go ahead and put an end to it now if you don’t mind
and then Bors gets on a pure white boat he found just now
and sails away to find the grail
leaving Lionel to feel like shit forever

so the moral of the story
is some people prefer bros
and some people prefer hos
but in the end
everybody just gets arbitrarily tortured by god

the end.

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Galahad does not have time for this shit

BLOG LOOKS GOOD NOW EVERYTHING WONDERFUL

Alright so Lancelot is still fucking Guenevere

that is something that is continuing to occur
basically ceaselessly
for like YEARS
and Guenevere never treats him any less shittily
BECAUSE THAT WOULD COMPROMISE HER QUEENSHIP
here is a secret about being queen:
it is okay to cheat on your husband
as long as you talk a lot of shit
in fact Guenevere talks SO MUCH SHIT
that one day Lancelot is just like you know what
fine
let’s see how you get by
without my gallant man-lance all up in your crevices
HEY ARTHUR
I AM READY TO NOT BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR WIFE FOR A WHILE
and arthur is like shit dude seriously?
who’s gonna watch my wife?
and Lancelot is like man whoever
I don’t fucking care
how about let everybody get a turn with her
and Arthur is like shit if you say so
meanwhile i guess I gotta give you some kind of quest?
and Lancelot is like that would be good yeah
and Arthur is like shit
well I’m pretty much out of quests
except for this grail shit
like I said I don’t really know where or what this thing is
but it’s got Holy in the name
so it must be pretty fucking great
and Lancelot is like shit well it beats hanging out with your wife
AND THAT IS HOW LANCELOT BEGINS HIS QUEST FOR THE GRAIL

but the grail is not what he finds
no
what he finds is this castle
with a bigass tower
and this chick is imprisoned in there
basically in a giant magical steam bath
the door isn’t even locked actually
she might have just been taking a bath
anyway Lancelot “rescues” her
and then the villagers open up a tomb so he can fuck up a dragon
and the upshot of all this is that the chick he rescued falls in love with him
THREE GUESSES WHAT HER NAME IS
no not stimpy
not cockboat
ELAINE
YEAH A DIFFERENT ONE THAN THE ONE WHO KILLED HERSELF EARLIER
WHAT IS IT WITH CHICKS NAMED ELAINE AND GETTING MOIST OVER LANCELOT
and predictably lancelot does not give a fuck about this girl either
but that is where the similarities end
because THIS elaine
is not a fucking pushover like the other one
she thinks to herself hm
i want this guy to put a baby inside me
i hear he’s been boning guenevere
(oh yeah
basically everybody knows about that shit
except everyone in Camelot
where it is actually relevant)
so hm what do I do
OH I KNOW
I WILL GET MY PET ENCHANTRESS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GUENEVERE
WEATHER FORECAST: SEXY TIMES AHOY
so the way she goes about making this happen
is first they make a duplicate of Guenevere’s special gold ring
and they send that to Lancelot
and then he’s like whoa i bet Guenevere is around
better go fuck the shit out of her
so he does
BUT PRANK’D
TURNS OUT IT IS ELAINE IN DISGUISE
and when he wakes up in the morning and realizes this
he is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Elaine is like dude chill the fuck out
I just sucked your dick like nineteen times
WITH MY VAGINA
PS I’m pregnant
PPS I am pregnant with a kid who is gonna be way better than you
and Lancelot is like that’s not difficult
I ROUTINELY BANG MY BOSS’S WIFE
oh shit speaking of which
I better get back to Camelot and bang my boss’s wife
good luck raising that kid i put in you

so Lancelot goes off to have more special adultery times
and Elaine gives birth to this dude Galahad
some people spell it Galahaut
but those people are HISTORIANS
anyway from the very beginning
everyone everywhere
just straight up KNOWS this dude is the shit
there is never any question
this guy is the new best knight ever
just like sir Tristram
and sir Lancelot
and sir Percival
not a very long shelf life on knights in this legend
shit i mean
even Galahad has fucking Leukemia
or at least some kind of terminal disease
but that’s not really that important

so all goes well
until some idiot shows up at Elaine’s place
like hey baby wanna bang
and Elaine is like sorry baby I only spread my legs for LANCELOT
and this fucking retard is like well i guess i better kill that dude
so he goes out looking for him
and by looking for him
I mean attacking everyone he sees
so he gets pretty much immediately beat down by Lancelot’s cousin
sir Bors
who is like alright dude
now you gotta go back to camelot
and fucking tell everyone what a pansy you are
and the dude is like ok
and meanwhile sir Bors goes to Elaine’s crib for a few days
and fucking trips balls and sees dragons fucking SPITTING OUT OTHER DRAGONS
but again
that is not very important

so back at Camelot
this piece of shit idiot knight shows up
and tells everyone how he was trying to bone elaine
but apparently she only bones Lancelot
and Guenevere hears about this
and BOOP BOOP BITCH ALARM
she proceeds to give Lancelot blueballs
until he convinces her that Elaine meant nothing to him
sidenote:
how is Guenevere not getting preggers?
years and years of playing nonstop sneakyboners
and meanwhile Elaine bangs him ONCE and starts pooping out babies
but anyway yeah then everything is cool for a while
until arthur decides to throw a bigass party at camelot
and invite all the ladies
and so Elaine shows up
and Guenevere is like hey you piece of shit
and Elaine is like wow you are a huge slutbag
and Lancelot is like I am too embarrassed to talk to either of you
and then that night
Elaine sends her pet witch to pretend to be one of Guenevere’s maids
and tell Lancelot to come over for some sexytimes
and Lancelot falls for this trick AGAIN
and then Guenevere sends an ACTUAL maid to find him
and he’s gone
so she’s like LAAAANCELOTTTTT
YOU FUCKING PRICK WHERE ARE YOU
and Lancelot is like SHIT
and he jumps out a window and goes crazy for several years

now we have already established
that Lancelot is the best at everything he does
this applies to being crazy as well
for YEARS this dude is just running through the forest
totally nude
beating the shit out of bears and drinking blood and rainwater
until one day he sees some shields and swords up against a tree
and he picks up a sword
and just starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF A SHIELD
and the owner of the swords and shields comes out of his tent
and he is like aw god dammit
a hobo got one of my swords again
I really shouldn’t leave these things lying around
hey man put down the sword
but instead lancelot MAKES BLOOD EXPLODE OUT OF THE DUDE’S FACE
and then he passes out
at which point the dude ties him up with some chains
and starts bringing him to his castle to help him out
and then gets attacked by knights
at which point Lancelot just snaps all the chains
kills all the knights
and goes right back to skullfucking leopards and dropkicking alligators

meanwhile Percival is supposed to be looking for Lancelot
but he is making a fatal mistake
which is that he is not looking for a naked dude
so instead he finds some knight
and they immediately start beating each other to death
for really no reason
they both mutilate each other
and then Percival is like wait who are you
and the dude is like I’m lancelot’s brother
and Percival is like FUUUUUCK i’m percival
too bad we mortally wounded each other
but then the Holy Grail just floats by and THEY ARE SUDDENLY OK
and they are like well that was weird
wanna go find Lancelot?

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SOMEHOW STUMBLES OVER TO ELAINE’S PLACE
and everyone is like hey look a crazy dude
let’s throw him in a pit and chuck steaks at him
and Lancelot is okay with this
because he likes steaks
but then one day one of the king’s sons gets knighted
and he is like IMA GIVE OUT FANCY CLOTHES TO EVERYBODY
BRING THAT CRAZY DUDE IN HERE
and he gives lancelot some sweet duds
which lancelot proceeds to shit all over
shortly before passing out in the garden
and that is where Elaine finds him
and she is like WHOA WHAT
HEY LANCELOT WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN FECES
and she eventually gets him to stop being crazy
Malory says he stopped being crazy because of the grail
but that’s retarded

so once he’s not crazy Lancelot is like hey Elaine
sorry i brandished a sword at you and whatnot
but you did kind of trick me like a total twatwaffle
but anyway I feel bad so now i’m never gonna leave you
gonna do whatever you want
let’s go live on an island
we will call it Joyous Island and we will have parties
and I will call myself “The Tresspassing Knight”
but in french
because it’s more pretentious
and Elaine is like sure okay
NOTE: Galahad is not present for any of this
why?
he’s got more important shit to deal with
even though he’s like 8 years old at this point
he’s the greatest knight in the entire goddamn universe
what does he care if his dad is a crazy shitcovered asshole
he’s got a HEROIC DESTINY
also LEUKEMIA
that is some serious problems

anyway Lancelot gets bored and is like hey
all you knights all over the place
come over to my house I’ll beat the shit out of you
or i mean
uh
we’ll have a tournament
if you win i’ll give you whores
so 500 knights show up
and Lancelot reams them with the tip of his lance
over the course of THREE DAYS
THAT IS 166.7 KNIGHTS PER DAY
I FEEL BAD FOR THAT 7/10 OF A KNIGHT

anyway right at the tail end of this shit Percival and his buddy
whose name is sir Ector by the way
hear about the tournament
and they are like whoa damn
is it too late to beat the shit out of dudes?
but they are in luck
because when you are dealing with Lancelot
it is NEVER too late to beat the shit out of dudes
i mean I should give him some credit I guess
he never kills anyone who doesn’t totally deserve it
and he feels REALLY bad about all the shitty things he’s done
but i mean
he still does all those shitty things
so i think it’s kind of a wash?
but regardless Percival and Ector show up to Lancelot’s place
and Percival and Lancelot fight for like two hours
before they are both like whoa hold on
who the fuck are you
this seems to be a really really common problem for knights
which i think could be pretty easily avoided with like
nametags?
anyway Percival is like I’m Percival
and Lancelot is like OH SNAP
well I’m Lancelot
i mean i am calling myself “The Shitty French Knight” right now
but yeah
totally Lancelot
and Percival is like DUDE
Guenevere sent me to look for you
get the fuck back to Camelot dude we miss your stupid ass
so Lancelot goes back to Camelot
totally forgetting about his son that Elaine is raising
although honestly I think Elaine has pretty much forgotten about him too
seeing as she basically never mentions him
but that does not stop EVERYONE in the FUCKING WORLD
from already knowing all these prophecies about how he’s going to be amazing
like 10 billion times stronger than his dad and shit
basically Lancelot is Goku
and Galahad is Gohan
or maybe trunks
but maybe Percival is Trunks
except isn’t trunks more powerful than Gohan?
or maybe Galahad is like when Gohan and trunks to that fusion thing
what was he called then
Gotenks?
what a stupid name
jesus i just revealed way too much about my childhood just now huh

ANYWAY the moral of the story
is if you are having problems in your relationship
try running naked through the woods for several years
when you come to your senses everything will be great again

SATURDAY: THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL!
(the end?)

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Sucks to be Lancelot

hey so I got a lot of people asking me
HEY WHEN DOES YOUR SITE UPDATE
ANSWER:
WHENEVER I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT
but it just so happens
that i feel like it every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
so that’s convenient
also!
when I am doing videos
(which should start happening some time this week
depending on how my throat feels)
i post the videos on every day that i do NOT NORMALLY UPDATE
so Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday
NOW YOU KNOW
TELL YOUR FRIENDS

Alright so there’s this dude Lancelot right

some people call him Launcelot
but those people are FRENCH
anyway Lancelot is a dude
who is the best knight in the entire goddamn universe
this is due to the fact that god ABJECTLY REFUSES TO LET HIM DIE
it’s not like he doesn’t try to get his ass killed
he lives in a fucking monestary for like a million years
beating himself with whips and eating gruel and murdering giants
but every time he is about to die
God is just kind of like NOPE
NUH UH
GOTTA KEEP ON TRUCKIN’ LANCELOT
and Lancelot is like fuckkkkk
guess i better beat myself with more whips

so this continues for a long time
pretty much just a shitty arrangement for everyone involved
when one day Lancelot’s nephew Sir Bors shows up
he’s like hey Lancelot what’s good
and Lancelot is like nothing
clearly
and Bors is like that’s cool that’s cool
hey listen
so I am one of king arthur’s knights right
and a bunch of his knights just got their asses killed
you know
like knights kind of tend to do
so Arthur is having a tournament to find some more knights
wanna do that?
and Lancelot is like no not really
I don’t want to do anything
and Bors is like fuck you do it anyway
and Lancelot is like well ok i guess but I’m not gonna like it

so Lancelot puts his special sadness whip away
and gets on a horse
and he and his nephew head back towards camelot
BUT FUN FACT GUYS
APPARENTLY SUBSISTING FOR YEARS ON A DIET OF GRUEL AND SELF FLAGELLATION
DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PREPARE YOU FOR CROSS COUNTRY HORSE TRAVEL
WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS
so Lancelot gets sick
and he and Sir Bors have to stop at this castle
and Lancelot is thinking to himself
SWEET
THIS SICKNESS MIGHT FINALLY KILL ME
I LOVE DYING
so he’s pretty jazzed about this
but unfortunately there is this super hot chick there
named Elaine
who is equally jazzed about keeping him alive
and subsequently boning the shit out of him
HOLD ON HOW IS THIS UNFORTUNATE
ALSO WHY IS EVERY SINGLE CHICK THESE KNIGHTS ENCOUNTER
THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD
YOU CANNOT TIE FOR HOTTEST CHICK IN THE WORLD
THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE THE HOTTEST WOULD YOU ASSHOLE?
anyway Elaine prays to god
like god make Lancelot better
and god is like sure
I LOVE doing things that make this dude sad
even though honestly he has no reason to be sad
because he is INVINCIBLE
and a hot chick is rubbing her ERECT NIPPLES on his FACE
but so basically Lancelot recovers
and he is thankful to Elaine for sure
but he certainly does not have any boners to spare for her
NONE
he needs to hold onto his boners for ADULTERY
more about that later
meanwhile instead of hot makeouts with Elaine
Lancelot is engaging in hot man on man knight training with Elaine’s bros
and when the time comes to leave
Lancelot is pretty much just like bye
thanks for the soup or whatever
I’ll totally wear your sleeve on my head
as a token of your favor in this tournament i’m going to
but that doesn’t mean i give a shit about you
in fact i’m going to come back here later
and tell your dad to put you in a nunnery
and then you’re gonna kill yourself
so heads up on that
and then he leaves with her two brothers to go fight dudes

BUT PLOT TWIST
Lancelot cannot abide by getting credit for his actions
so he is like hey
one of Elaine’s bros
give me your armor and shield
and i will give you mine
and then everyone will think you are me
and i will be free to romp and stomp anonymously
so they do that
and then they go to the tournament
and Lancelot romps and stomps
as predicted
and Arthur sees that shit going down
and he is like whoa
someone beat the shit out of that guy
and sir Kay
who is completely worthless at everything he does
is like I WILL DO IT
and then Arthur is like fuuuuuck
hey Sir Gawain will you go ahead and follow Sir Kay
just so he doesn’t embarrass himself
and Gawain is like I AM ON IT
so he goes and fights Lancelot
and loses
predictably
even though Lancelot tries to lose PRETTY MUCH AS HARD AS HE CAN
cause eventually god is just like fuck this
and makes Lancelot break Gawain’s sword at the hilt
at which point Arthur is like shit dude wanna be a knight?
and Lancelot is like don’t mind if I do

so then later everyone is having dinner
(the ladies are eating seperately from the dudes
i guess because there is a law
that men cannot look at boobs and eat at the same time
although i don’t know whether that was a law of Britain
or a LAW OF NATURE
actually i’m leaning towards law of Britain
because there is pretty much no circumstance
that can render me unable to look at boobs
even something as complicated as eating)
and a knight named Sir Meliagrant busts into the ladies’ room
and he is like I AM JUST SO FUCKING EVIL
and sir Kay is there serving everyone some sauteed mushrooms
and Sir Meliagrant just backhands him like HAHAHAHAHA BITCH
NOW I’M TAKIN UR WOMAAN
and he picks up Guenevere and just walks out of the castle
GUYS
THIS IS THE SHITTIEST PALACE SECURITY I HAVE EVER SEEN
SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE OFF THE STREET JUST WALKS IN
TAKES THE FUCKING QUEEN
AND THEN WALKS OUT
THERE ARE HOLES IN THIS SECURITY PROTOCOL
BIG ENOUGH TO DRIVE A FUCKING BLIMP THROUGH
LIKE LITERALLY
I DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD NOTICE
MAYBE SOME GUARDS WOULD BE LIKE OH LOOK WHAT IS THAT
IT APPEARS TO BE TAKING THE QUEEN
AND THEN SOME OTHER GUARDS WOULD BE LIKE WHATEVER DUDE
IT’S PROBABLY JUST A PARADE OR SOMETHING
ANYWAY I’M WAAAAAAY TOO DRUNK TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

so yeah Sir Kay wakes up from being backhanded
and sees all the ladies freaking out
and he is like I MUST RESCUE THE QUEEN
so he gets on his failhorse and proceeds to gallop onwards towards failure
and then pretty quick after that
Arthur finds out his wife is gone
and he’s like FUCK I GOTTA GO GET HER
but Lancelot is like pshaw my friend
let me do it
and Arthur is like YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so Lancelot saddles up his invincihorse
and gallops onwards with 100% assured success

HERE IS THE IMMEDIATE PROBLEM:
Sir Meliagrant lives in a kingdom
on the other side of a bigass river
and the only bridge
IS A SWORD
SWORDS ARE NOT GOOD BRIDGES
THEY LACK BASICALLY EVERY QUALITY A GOOD BRIDGE REQUIRES
- RAILINGS
- NOT CUTTING YOU IN HALF WHEN YOU TRY TO WALK ON IT
but Sir Meliagrant can walk on it it’s fine
cause he’s evil and that’s how that works
so he goes back to his palace and locks Guenevere in the dungeon
and is like hey i’m gonna rape you later so just sit tight
and Guenevere is like make me
and Meliagrant is like yeah ok
just lemme figure out which torture implements to use on you

MEANWHILE KAY ARRIVES
but he can’t cross the sword obviously
so he takes off all his armor and weapons
and then he throws himself in the river
AND SWIMS TO THE OTHER SIDE
AND THEN CLIMBS THE SHEER CLIFF FACE INTO THE CITY
burn this into your memory my friends
because this
is the ONLY COOL THING
Sir Kay EVER does
IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE
and even this one is pretty shitty
cause no sooner does he get to the top of the cliff face
then Meliagrant is like oh hi there
i see you are unarmed and exhausted
I have a dungeon for that
so he locks up Sir Kay
and then goes back to threatening Guenevere

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SHOWS UP
he ALSO cannot cross the bridge
but he hates swimming
so instead he strips all the armor off his horse
drapes it over the blade
and then monkey crawls to the other side
which honestly isn’t nearly as badass as what Kay did
but is significantly more effective
and then when he gets to the other side
he sees a dwarf
dressed as a jester
with a big ol cart full of feces
and he is like hey dwarf
i don’t have any gold for you to fuck
but could you do me a favor and give me a ride in your shitcart
and the dwarf is like well i want to see you get poop on you
so ok
and Lancelot rides into town and everyone laughs their ass off at him
and the dwarf takes Lancelot RIGHT UP TO MELIAGRANT’S CASTLE
and Meliagrant comes out like hey man good to see you
how about a hug
and Lancelot is like well i do like hugging
and then while they are hugging
some dudes come up and handcuff the fuck out of him
and he is like AW BALLS
and then Meliagrant has to do some really awkward maneuvering
in order to free himself from Lancelot’s arms
it’s like that human knot game
but with only two dudes
and one of them is evil and one of them is invincible
so actually more like dragonball Z?
anyway then Lancelot gets put in jail
and Meliagrant taunts Guenevere some more

BUT UH OH
SUDDENLY IT IS PROBLEM CITY FOR MELIAGRANT
because all Guenevere’s verbal abuse
gives him a ROCK HARD LOVE ERECTION
that WILL NOT GO AWAY
and he is thinking about it to himself
and he is like fuuuuuck
how do i get this girl to like me
i feel like one of the main problems is that i stole her
and put her in prison
and now i am threatening her with torture
but i’m not gonna stop doing any of THOSE things
hm
OH I KNOW
HOW ABOUT I BECOME VIRTUOUS INSTEAD
so the first thing he tries
is he goes outside and he sees a beggar
and he gives the dude some money
the dude then proceeds to go into a store
BUY A CROSSBOW
and then TRY AND ROB HIM WITH IT
so Meliagrant kills him
and he’s kind of back to square 1

so next he goes to Sir Kay
and he’s like hey dude i need a favor
if I let you go
will you promise to go tell Guenevere i’m a cool dude
and she should consider consensual sexytimes with me?
and Sir Kay is like I SWEAR ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE
and then Meliagrant lets him out
and Kay is like POW BITCH
TURNS OUT I HAVE NO HONOR SO FUCK YOU
and then he goes over to Guenevere’s cell
and he’s like hey look I brought you some freedom
I kind of had to lie to a dude to get it but that’s ok right
cause that guy was a dick
and Guenevere is like hm
nope
i better stay here until you figure out how to free me
WITHOUT being a lying sack of tool
and Kay is like SERIOUSLY?
COME ON
THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO BE THE HERO RIGHT NOW
I CAN LITERALLY OPEN YOUR CELL AND YOU CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW
and Guenevere
who as we will soon discover
is a HUUUUUGE BITCH
is like nope
no that is not how we are doing this
so Kay just kind of leaves and starts wandering around the castle
crying softly to himself

MEANWHILE sir meliagrant heals from all his wounds
USING THE POWER OF EVIL
and then he is like shit well
what do i do now
oh I know
I’ll face Lancelot in a fair fight
hey Guenevere
I’m gonna kill Lancelot fair and square
and then we can bang right?
and Guenevere is like oh dude you are so fucked
you do not even KNOW

so Meliagrant brings some swords and armor and horses and shit
and leaves them in front of Lancelot’s cell
but he TOTALLY FORGETS TO UNLOCK THE CELL
so Kay comes along and steals all that shit
and goes out to fight Meliagrant himself
and Meliagrant just RUINS HIS SHIT
AGAIN
FOR THE THIRD TIME
at which point Meliagrant realizes this is probably not Lancelot
and then he is like FUCK
I FORGOT TO UNLOCK HIS CELL
so he does that
and Lancelot comes out
and literally cuts him in half
it’s not even that big of a deal
and then he puts the bloody sword in Kay’s hand
and wakes him up
and is like hey buddy
looks like you are the big man today huh
but then Guenevere is like cut that out Lancelot
Kay’s just going to get himself murdered if you lie to him like that
and Lancelot is like fuck fine
i’m sorry Kay it looks like you failed again
and Kay is surprisingly reasonable about all this
I guess because he is used to failure at this point

so everybody goes back to Camelot
and Arthur is pleased as punch about this shit
and he is like you know what Lancelot
you are now officially in charge of my wife
I mean it’s not like that’s even necessary
I hardly ever do anything but sit on ass
and have feasts with my knights
but really I mainly just want to give you the opportunity to fuck my wife
meanwhile Guenevere is not fine with this AT ALL
and honestly Lancelot is only ok with it because he’s ok with EVERYTHING
these two do not like each other that much is what i’m saying
and plus Lancelot has a vow of chastity apparently
but remember when I said Guenevere was a huge bitch?
well here is where that really comes into play
see she is like hm
Lancelot is basically perfect in every way
he’s invincible
he is modest
he is virtuous
et fucking cetera
that’s awesome
I would like to ruin it
HEY LANCELOT
COME OVER HERE SO I CAN SEDUCE YOU WITH REPEATED INSULTS
THEN YOU WILL BONE ME
BECAUSE I AM ANOTHER ONE OF THE HOTTEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD
and that is what happens
for a long ass time
until problems occur but we will talk about those later

So the moral of the story
is if you are an evil mastermind
try not to systematically give up EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ADVANTAGES
for the sake of getting laid
because what you are actually going to get is killed
and then the dude who killed you is going to get laid
and there is no transitive property on getting laid my friend
especially if you are already dead

THE END.

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