The Aztec Moon is Part of the 1 Percent

Patreon chose the mythos for today
the secret last day of February
so if you’ve got beef, go yell at patreon
or, you know, donate to my Patreon.
Either way you have to read this now:

The Aztec gods are very bad at holding onto suns

Let’s run down their list of mistakes

The first sun they make gets carried off in a flood
which is just like
you should not be keeping your sun that close to water
oh and then all the people turn into fish
which, if there is a LIVE SUN IN THE WATER
is probably the exact wrong thing to do.

The second sun is eaten by jaguars
which is even less acceptable
because what the fuck tiny-ass sun fits in a jaguar’s mouth
maybe people turned into the jaguards?
I don’t know
seems like you’ve got to spend an awful lot of time watching proto-humans
just to make sure they don’t turn into other animals

Third sun, demolished by firey rain
THE SUN
IS MADE
OUT OF FIRE
WHERE ARE THEY BUYING THESE GARBAGE SUNS?
All the people are set on fire too
but at least that’s an expected result of firey rain.

Fourth sun, blown away in a windstorm
which i think raises a larger question
about the quality of the worlds these gods are building
like, why are there all these cataclysmic sun-destroying disasters?

None of these questions are really answered by the myth
all we know is that the gods don’t like not having a sun
so they decide to make a new one.
Apparently the way to make a sun
is to set a god on fire permanently
which seems EXPENSIVE
and that’s probably why
after pissing away four suns this way
they finally decide to economize a bit
by sacrificing the poorest god, Nanauatl
they’re like “Here Nanauatl, come jump in this fire
you’re poor, no one will miss you.”

But there’s this other god Tecciztecatl
who is one of the richest
and also apparently stupidest
because he sees Nanauatl on his way to get immolated
and he’s like “THAT SEEMS COOL, I WANT TO DO IT INSTEAD”
so the gods are like “Okay, fine
you’re rich so we can’t tell you no”
but then he realizes he’s volunteering to jump into A FIRE
so he’s like “Mmmmmmaybe I’d rather not”
and Nanauatl is like “Haha asshole
I’m about to get rid of ALL MY DEBT”
and then he jumps into the fire and turns into the SUN

so Tecciztecatl sees this and he’s like “Aw fuck
I assumed
VERY REASONABLY, I THOUGHT
that jumping into this fire would just kill me
rather than turning me INTO A DEEP SPACE FUSION REACTOR
NOW I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.”
And before anyone can be like “No we don’t need two suns”
he jumps into the fire and becomes SUN 2:
TURBO EDITION.

Seriously, though, nobody asked for a second sun
this is way more sun than even the sun-rich Aztecs can use
they’re like “this is a disgrace, we must do something
oh I know
let’s throw a rabbit at that second sun
throwing rabbits at problems is a great way to solve problems
and get rid of rabbits”
so they do that
and it somehow has the effect of dimming Tecciztecatl down
until he can only be seen at night
and while this is certainly not the most fucked up story
explaining the origin of the sun and moon
it is definitely one of the more entertaining ones.

Oh and just so you know
the Aztecs believed that constant sacrifices were necessary
to make sure this fifth sun stayed in the sky
which is why it’s a good thing
we have so many wars.

The end.

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Cipactli

Scimitar Fawkes brings you this little gem
straight out of AZTECLAND
which is not a real place anymore
because it got blown up by progress
progress and diseases
but anyway yeah it’s about where the world comes from

so I know what you’re thinking
BUT OVID WE ALREADY HEARD THE AZTEC CREATION MYTH LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO
first of all
none of you were alive a million years ago
second of all
that was the MAYAN creation myth so shut up
and third of all
this is basically like the PREQUEL to that creation myth
so it’s like the creation myth
OF THE CREATION MYTH
OOHHHHH SHITTTTT

so basically there’s this raging bisexual god called Ometecuhtli/Omecihuatl
which i am looking forward to never typing again ever in my whole life
and what he/she does
is fuck the shit out of him/herself
and have four godbabies
one for each of the cardinal directions
Their names are really long and full of consonants
as you might expect
so the only one I’m gonna bother to name is Tezcatlipoca
LORD OF THE NIGHT SKY
because (SPOILER ALERT) he gets dismembered later
But so the gods get created
and they immediately start doing the one thing gods are good at
which is creating things
but see here’s the problem:
one of the things they create is a limitless world crocodile called Cipactli
with mouths at every single joint of its motherfucking body
and this is basically the worst possible thing to have around
when you are trying to create other things
especially when you haven’t actually made a place to put any of the stuff you made
so it all just falls into the ocean
where it is immediately devoured by A MILLION ANGRY CROCODILE MOUTHS
and I mean
I think we can all agree that this is pretty sweet
but like most totally sweet things
it is also EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT
so finally all the gods are just like fuck this
we’re tearing this motherfucker UP
and luckily they are all already situated at the cardinal directions
so they each just grab a corner of this gatorbeast and START PULLIN’
but guys
I think you may recall
that this gatorbeast is MADE OF MOUTHS
and Tezcatlipoca’s foot ends up inside of one of those
and then it gets eaten
and Tezcatlipoca is like ow fuck
but it’s okay because then they rip that gator to shreds
and turn it into the world
yep
turns out the world is made up of balled up hateful crocodile mouths
which makes sense you see
because according to this myth
that is why the earth CONSTANTLY HUNGERS FOR BLOOD AND HEARTS
I didn’t know that was a thing the earth did
but now that I know about the whole crocodile thing
I guess I can’t see it any other way

so then after that comes the part we already heard about
with the numerous worlds getting blown up and shit
and then after that a lot of other stuff happens
like dudes show up with fire and corn and other nonsense
and then finally they get bored and they make the sun
which is yet another huge mass of dangerous stuff
and it is so dangerous
that the only way to jump-start it
is for all the gods to MURDER THEMSELVES AND THROW THEIR BODIES INTO IT
so yeah
all the gods are dead
they got eaten by a pissed off sun
and guess what else, guys
it looks like the sun ALSO hungers insatiably for blood and hearts
so uh
I hope you guys brought blood and hearts?

so the moral of the story
is if your whole world is made of furious crocodiles and the sun is a vampire
maybe you need a new religion

THE END

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