THE MAD BEGGAR CHOU TIEN

This comes courtesy of one of the books on my desk
and also china, I guess

So Chou Tien is a pretty normal dude
but then he turns 14
and he gets the flu so bad he goes crazy
and his family doesn’t want to catch the crazy
so they make him go live on the streets forever

Chou Tien isn’t sad about this, though, cause he’s a crazy person
he just spends all day every day telling everyone how great life is
and every time a new dude becomes president
he just walks into that dude’s office
and he’s like “hey dude
life is great
welcome to being president!”
and the presidents just LET HIM DO THIS
because ancient China predates the secret service

but Chou Tien is wrong
life sucks in china at this point in history
because the mongols are there
and they are not down with the peasants
they are so afraid of a rebellion in fact
that they don’t let anyone have any weapons
and people have to share like 1 kitchen knife per seven houses
I KNOW
IT SUCKS

but so one day this dude name Chu Yuan-chang shows up
to tell the peasants to start killing mongols
and Chou Tien comes up to him like “good times ahoy!”
and Chu is like “I LIKE YOUR STYLE, SIR
PLEASE
COME WITH ME AND BE MY MILITARY ADVISER”
and that is exactly what this crazy homeless guy does

so Chu is about to fight a battle
not with the mongols, mind you
but with another rebel leader
because he uh
he got a little sidetracked
and he’s like “Yo crazy advisor
what are my chances of winning this battle?”
And Chou Tien yanks his head out of a jug of booze
and is like “Good times ahoy!”
and Chu Yuan-chang is like “GREAT!”
and that shit gives him the confidence he needs
to go out there and win the battle
and then become president!
(You should know that when I say president
I actually mean emperor
you cannot become president just by being good at war, guys
that is silly and never happens)

So Chu Yuan-chang is president now
and he’s freaking out
because he’s like “Chou Tien helped me become president
he could destroy me just as easily!
Like … like what if…
what if he starts saying BAD TIMES AHOY?
HOW WOULD I DEAL WITH THAT?
Oh, simple
kill him”
So he has his guards go get Chou Tien
and he’s like “Alright dude, sorry, gonna kill you”
and Chou Tien is like “Aw dude
major party foul
you can’t kill me
I’m immune to fire and water and weapons”
But of course this is exactly the kind of thing a crazy homeless guy would say
so Chu Yuan-chang just ignores him
and the way you ignore people in ancient China
is apparently to put them in a giant iron pot and cook them to death

so seven hours later Chu opens the pot
to try some of the delicious hobo soup he’s been making
except he gets surprised pretty good
cause Chou Tien is still super alive in there
NAPPIN’
And Chu is just like “okay fuck this
get thee to a nunnery”
but he doesn’t mean nunnery
he means buddhist monastery

so Chou is in the buddhist monastery
and all the monks are sposed to keep an eye on him
but a couple weeks later all the monks show up at Chu’s castle
like DUDE
we CANNOT HANDLE this rowdy hobo ANY MORE
shit is IN-TIGGITY-TOLERABLE
and Chu is like alright let me see what’s up
so he goes down to the monastery
and Chou Tien is running around doing mad kickflips and kegstands
tracking dirt all over the noble eightfold path
pissing on everyone’s nirvana
and Chu Yuan-chang suddenly realizes
that he is not going to get anywhere with this guy
and why the fuck did he even hire him in the first place
so he’s like “Hey Chou”
and Chou is like “Yeah Chu?”
And Chu is like “Name anything you want
I will give it to you in exchange for getting the fuck out of my face”
and Chou is like “WHAT A COINCIDENCE
ALL I WANT IS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FACE
SERIOUSLY DUDE WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME
I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TELL FANTASY FROM REALITY”
and then he goes away and lives happily ever after
and Chu Yuan-chang kills all his other advisors
because apparently Chou Tien was the only thing keeping him from going off the deep-end

so the moral of the story
is if you want to kill a crazy homeless wizard
use acid
they’re immune to everything else

THE END.

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The Romance of the Three Kingdoms is a Rousing Tale of Violence and Pals

Hoo boy
finally got around to cracking open this gargantuan volume
lent to me by none other than world-renowned MC “Slick” Nick Gold-dick
(his dick is actually made of gold, guys)
So I’m just gonna tell you what happens at the beginning of this thing:

Alright so
BACK IN THE DAY
there is this dynasty in China
called the Han dynasty
and it’s doing great
but then it stops doing great
wanna know why?
EUNUCHS
that’s why.
Yeah
these no-ball-having motherfuckers are all up in the king’s ears
telling him to do dumb shit
like uh
well
like chopping off people’s balls and then making them your advisors I guess
and meanwhile, all these fucked up omens are going on
like one day a SNAKES start falling out of the ceiling in the castle
and also there are tornadoes
and black vapor flying into the throne room
and pestilences
and rainbows?
yep
and some sage dude figures out that this is all because of the eunuchs
but the eunuchs are TOO POWERFUL so that have that dude put under house arrest
and then they become SO POWERFUL
that the king literally starts calling them “Daddie”
GREAT

BUT MEANWHILE
out in the country there is this dude named Chang Chio
he’s an angst-ridden med student who is wandering around in the woods one day
when BAM
ANCIENT SAGE ALL UP IN HERE
and the sage is like COME INTO MY CAVE SON
YOU HAVE JUST WON THREE COPIES OF THE BOOK OF HEAVEN
and Chang Chio is like oh shit, what does that do?
and the Sage is like IT GIVES YOU POWERS, SON
POOF
and he disappears
and all of a sudden Chang Chio is a FUCKING WIZARD

So Chang Chio makes a lot of friends real fast
because the fastest way to make friends is to be a fucking wizard
and then he’s like whoa
wait a second
I’ve got all these friends I’m not using
how about I have them TAKE OVER THE EMPIRE FOR ME
so he makes everybody put on yellow turbans for some reason
and then they go to war

But here is the problem with war, my friends:
war is a thing that is fought between maybe like ten or twenty powerful dudes
using about a million really poor and desperate dudes
and along the way, setting fire to all those poor desperate dudes’ houses, families, and livestock
so word gets around that there’s about to be a war on
and that the war is scheduled to steamroll right through the Yuchow Prefecture
and so the Prefect of Yuchow is like “oh damn”
“I like having a home.”
“maybe we should defend ourselves.”
so he has the great idea of putting up signs all over town like “WANTED:
AN ARMY.”
like that’s gonna work

But here’s the thing:
IT TOTALLY WORKS
because this one dude happens to see the sign
and his name
is LIU PEI
and if you don’t think this dude is the real deal
let me describe him to you as he is described in the book:
Okay, so he’s real tall first off
and also he has really long ears, like touching his shoulders
and his hands hang down below his knees
and his eyes are bugged way out so he can see BACKWARDS
PAST HIS REALLY LONG EARS
of COURSE this dude is a hero
when you look like that, it’s either war hero or the FUCKING CIRCUS
and he’s looking at this want ad, and sighing SO HARD
that he attracts the attention of ANOTHER crazyass soon-to-be war hero
this bald freak named Chang Fei
and Chang Fei is like DUDE
FINALLY SOMEONE WITH EYES AS HUGE AS MY OWN HUGE EYES
LET’S START AN ARMY
and Liu Bei is like DID YOU SAY “LET’S GO GET DRUNK?”
and Chang Fei is like CLOSE ENOUGH

so they go to the club
and they are getting tipsy
when all of a sudden this HUGE dude with EVEN BIGGER EYEBROWS rolls in
and he’s like SERVE ME UP SOME DRANK ON THE DOUBLE
I AM ON MY WAY TO JOIN THE ARMY
and then Liu Bei and Chang Fei remember what they were supposed to be doing
and they’re like DUDE
how would you like to join OUR ARMY
RIGHT NOW
and this dude
who’s name is Guan Yu
is like YESSSSSSSS

so the three of them swear to be bros forever
and they slaughter some oxes to prove they’re serious
and then they lure a bunch of townspeople into the army by having a fat feast
and they get these SICK weapons
like Liu Bei gets a double-edged sword
and Guan Yu gets this curved blade that weighs about a million pounds
and Chang Fei gets a spear

So the yellow turban dudes show up pretty soon
and these three dudes and their 500 other dudes stomp the shit out of them
obviously
because they’re the protagonists
I mean, I could get into how they do it
but that part is pretty boring, honestly.
I’m sure you can imagine a way better version of all these battles
replete with flying bears and a dismemberment machine
although to be fair, that’s basically what Guan Yu is.
Anyway, instead of going home, these dudes CONTINUE GOING TO WAR.
They go to war AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
but by the time they get to war
the battle is already over
it was already solved by the imperial troops
who basically just set all of the yellow emperor’s guys on fire
and then this guy named T’sao T’sao showed up commanding imperial troops
and there’s this brief aside about what a perfect asshole he is
and how some sage basically said that one time
and he was raised by eunuchs
which is like being raised by wolves
except the wolves are people and they have no balls
but ANYWAY
then Liu Bei and Co show up to ANOTHER battle and they basically win it singlehandedly
and the dudes they saved are like WHO ARE YOUR OFFICERS
and they’re like UH
WE DON’T HAVE THOSE?
and the dudes are like oh well let us just dish out some MAD DISRESPECT to you then
and Guan Yu is ready to decapitate everybody
because that is what he do
but then Liu Bei is like dude

Chill out.

and that is only the BEGINNING of the story
but SO FAR
it seems like the moral of the story is
if you don’t like how shit is going down in your neighborhood
start an army
i mean, it seems pretty easy
just have a barbecue and give swords to whoever shows up.

NOT the end

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Prince Five-Weapons in the Land of Incredibly Descriptive Names

Here’s one I picked up while I was reading something else

(Don’t worry guys, I’ll get back to myths you already know and love on Thursday)
(Also, you should read this comic called Happle Tea if you don’t already
this guy’s interests definitely overlap with mine
and therefore, YOURS)

So there’s this guy named prince five-weapons
he has actually JUST NOW been named this
because he completed some kind of ridiculous five-weapon training
it seems to me that it might be a better use of one’s time
to just get five times better with one weapon
and then you don’t have to carry FIVE FUCKING WEAPONS ALL THE TIME
but that is not the way prince five-weapons thinks
so he completes his training
and his sensei loads him down with FIVE WEAPONS
and he sets off to go tell his dad
KING ELEVEN-WEAPONS
(that’s not his name I made that up)
about his shiny new weapons.

But here’s the problem:
between the prince and his dad
there is this HUGE JANKY FOREST
and that forest is filled with a HUGE JANKY OGRE
named STICKY-HAIR
and everyone is like noooo don’t go in that forest man
there is an ogre in there and maybe you should go around
and prince five-weapons is like oh poppycock
have you guys not seen my FIVE WEAPONS?
My weapons:
There are five of them
not counting my two ENORMOUS TESTICLES
and why would you count those as weapons?
they are tender and unwieldy and probably the weakest point on my whole body
seriously
balls suck
it’s like if tanks came equipped with a big button on the front that fed the driver to bears

ANYWAY
Prince Five-weapons just recklesses his way into the forest
and pretty soon he runs up on Sticky-hair the ogre
and sticky hair is like dude
didn’t anyone tell you to go around these woods?
and prince five weapons is like ONLY BASICALLY EVERYONE I MET
BUT THEN FIVE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE ADVISED ME TO IGNORE THEM
THESE FRIENDS TO WHICH I REFER
THEY ARE MY WEAPONS
OBSERVE:

so he busts out his bow and arrow
and he shoots a ton of arrows at this ogre
but they all just get stuck in the ogre’s hair
as his name might imply
hey, why is this ogre’s hair sticky, anyway?
I mean, I guess you get pretty lonely being an ogre in the woods
seeing as you have to eat anyone even remotely friendable or bangable or friendbangable
and then when you get lonely…
but i do not want to think about this anymore

so five-weapons keeps shooting Stickypubes with arrows
but they all just stick to his hair
which makes me wonder why five-weapons keeps shooting at his hair
unless this dude is like
seriously hairy
riding the pube-bus to armenian island or some shit

so when it becomes clear how much the arrows plan is failing
the prince busts out his SWORD
and he starts beating that against the ogre
but his SWORD get stuck
so he tries his SPEAR
and then when that gets stuck
he tries his CLUB
and uh
yeah, that gets stuck too

so the demon is like HEY PRINCE FIVE-WEAPONS
LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF WEAPONS
AND IF YOU WERE COUNTING YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT YOU ONLY ACTUALLY HAVE 4 WEAPONS
and the prince is like DUDE
THE ARROWS AND THE BOW TOTALLY COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS
and the ogre is like DUDE, NO THEY DON’T
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH AN ARROWLESS BOW
OR SOME BOWLESS ARROWS?
THOSE ARE SOME WEAK SHIT MY FRIEND
AND PLUS IF THEY REALLY DID COUNT AS SEPARATE WEAPONS THEN EACH ARROW WOULD COUNT SEPARATELY
AND YOU WOULD HAVE LIKE FIFTY BAZILLION WEAPONS OR SOMETHING
and the prince is like OKAY OKAY FINE THE FIFTH WEAPON IS MY FISTS
HOW ABOUT THAT
HOW ABOUT MY FISTS

so he runs up and punches stickyhair right in his sticky hair
so his fist gets stuck
so he uses his other fist
duh
then he uses his foot and his other foot
and then his head
holy shit this is starting to sound a lot like another story I know

but anyway now Prince Five-weapons is dangling from this ogre’s disgustingly sticky belly
and he’s still flailing around like COME ON
BRING IT
and the ogre is like whoa
I’m an ogre
eating stupid people is what I DO
but I ain’t NEVER met a dude as stupid as this
HE MUST BE HIDING SOMETHING
HEY DUDE, WHAT GIVES?
AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF DYING?
and the prince is like UMMM
NO?
I mean when you think about it
everybody’s gotta die sometime
and getting smashed by a suspiciously tacky fantasy monster while I writhe on his stomach
is a pretty rad way to die
way better than old age or lupus
PLUS
did I not tell you?
I have a lightning bolt in my stomach
and if you eat me it will give you WICKED INDIGESTION
like, pretty much the wickedest indigestion you can get
I am talking broomstick and cackles
bubble bubble
toil and trouble
wicked
fucking
stomach cramps

and the ogre is like OH SHIT THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE
ALRIGHT DUDE
I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND BELIEVE YOU AND LET YOU GO
and the prince is like SWEET, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED
except honestly there was never any doubt
because what I forgot to tell you guys
is that prince five-weapons is actually THE BUDDHA IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION
yup
you just got tricked
you and everyone else
because I told this story wrong

but so yeah
now that he’s free, Buddha turns the ogre into a friendly ghost
who hangs out by the entrance to the forest and solicits donations
and everyone avoids eye contact with him and shoves their hands deep in their pockets

so the moral of the story
is that there is an invincible weapon inside all of us
that can overcome all enemies
it is called lying.

THE END.

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MONKEY KING

Okay so some guy recommended this myth to me
I forget his name
but it was probably something badass like Omar McPunchkittens
whatever
let’s talk about arrogant primates

So there’s this stone monkey
he hatched out of a stone egg
that’s normal
SO ANYWAY
this monkey becomes king of all the other monkeys
presumably because none of them want to have to try and punch him
seeing as he is made of STONE
so that’s pretty sweet
he finds them this secret cave under a waterfall and shit

BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS MONKEY
he’s like man
I’m made out of stone and I’m a king and everything
but you know what I’m NOT?
IMMORTAL
and the other monkeys are like dude
only sages and immortals and buddhas are immortal
and the monkey is like NOT A PROBLEM
IMMORTALITY AHOY

so he gets on a raft
which is a terrible dumb thing for a stone monkey to do
and then he sails for a long time until he finds some random sage
and in true kung-fu movie fashion
this sage dude has ol’ monkeytimes carry water and chop wood for 7 years
also he changes his name from ol’ monkeytimes to Wu K’ung
and then after seven years he’s like okay monkey guy
seems like you are serious about learning this shit
also you have done HELLA chores and I am pleased
so here
here are the 72 transformations of immortality
also a somersault that will carry you around the world
and Wu K’ung is like AWWW SHITTTT
dude lemme at least give you a couple bucks
to pay you back for all these sweet transformations
and the sage is like naw bro
just make sure to not use your powers for being an asshole
and the monkey is like oh haha sure okay

so he goes back to the other monkeys
and he has to save them from some demons or something
and then he’s like well shit
better get these dudes some weapons
so he does
and then he goes to the dragon king who lives underwater
and he’s like yo dude
i want a really great weapon
and the dragon king
who is FUCKING TERRIFIED of Wu K’ung
is like sure dude
have this 3,000 pound sword
(if you’re someplace that uses the metric system
I think that’s about 7 kilometers)
and Wu K’ung is all like NOPE
TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like ohhh shit
okay
here’s a 7,000 pound axe
and Wu K’ung is like NOPE
STILL TOO LIGHT
and the dragon king is like well uh okay
all we have is this huge iron bar that some guy used to make the oceans
and the monkey king is like PERFECT
I’LL TAKE IT
the staff is super huge
but it shrinks on command
and it also has its exact total weight written on it
which is like 13,000 pounds
and Wu K’ung is like hey guys
while I’m here
how about also some armor and sweet pimp clothes and fancy sandwiches?
and everyone is like sure okay dude just don’t hurt us

so the monkey king comes back to his monkeys
and they’re like DAMN BRO YOU LOOK AMAAAAAAZING
and he’s like uh yeah
I KNOW
NOW I AM GOING TO TAKE A NAP
TRY NOT TO GET BLINDED BY ALL MY SICK FINERY
so he falls asleep
and starts having this CRAZY dream
where demons are dragging him into hell
and he’s like whoa now FUCK THIS
and whips out his staff and brutally emasculates these demons
and then fancyswaggers right into the mouth of hell
into the inner sanctum or whatever
and he’s like HEY CHINESE SATAN
WHAT’S THIS ABOUT?
and chines satan is like uh
uh
lemme check the book that says when everyone is gonna die
oh
look
it says you’re gonna live to be like three hundred and-
FUCK THAT, says the monkey king
and he walks over to the book and he’s like lemme just fix that real quick
and just straight crosses his name out
and then crosses out the names of all his monkey pals
and then he goes back to earth and his monkeys are like yo dude where you been
and he’s like oh nowhere
just CUTTIN’ THROUGH THE RED TAPE OF HELL
LIKE MAYOR MCBADASS AT THE RIBBON-CUTTING FOR AWESOME ISLAND
WIELDING THOSE GIANT NOVELTY SCISSORS
LIKE A GUILLOTINE
OF JUSTICE

so word gets around
and everyone starts to get pretty worried about this dude
so finally they all go ask the Jade Emperor
who is like the king of heaven or something
if he can do something about this rambunctious monkey
so the Jade emperor invites Wu K’ung up to his place
and he’s like yo
monkey king
how would you like A ROYAL APPOINTMENT IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
and Wu K’ung is like FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION FOR MY AWESOME TALENTS
WHAT’S THE APPOINTMENT, KINGY-POO?
and the king is like
“Pi Ma Wen”
which means “Stable boy”
but apparently the monkey king doesn’t know chinese
so he goes ahead and does this shit job for TEN YEARS
until he finally realizes that his job
actually involves picking up literal shit
I don’t know why it took him ten years to realize this
but anyway he responds by breaking a bunch of shit and then going home
back to the monkeys
who are like DUDE
FUCK BEING A STABLEBOY
YOU SHOULD RUN FOR OFFICE
THE OFFICE OF “GREATEST SAGE EVER”
WE ARE NOT SURE THAT IS AN OFFICE
BECAUSE WE ARE ONLY MONKEYS
AND FRANKLY, EVEN OUR ABILITY TO SPEAK IS PRETTY REMARKABLE
BUT HEY MAN IT’S WORTH A SHOT
and Wu K’ung is like you know what
you’re right

so he makes this big banner that says he’s the greatest sage ever
and naturally this pisses heaven off
so the jade emperor sends some dudes to go fight him
along with like SEVERAL THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
but here is the problem:
the monkey king is like PRETTY MUCH INVINCIBLE
he can do crazy shit like pull out his hair and turn it into more of him
he can like
shoot lasers out of his face and multiply his arms and transmute flesh to fire
what I am saying is this guy’s power level is THROUGH THE ROOF
he makes short work of the armies
and then some other armies
and finally the jade emperor is like okay dude
you wanna be the greatest sage?
fine
that’s not even a thing
but check it out
we’ll even build you a fucking castle
and make you caretaker of a grove full of immortality peaches
and Wu K’ung is like OH MAN
I LOVE HOW MY NEGATIVE ACTIONS HAVE ONLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
then he busts into the peach orchard and eats like ALL THE PEACHES
even though he was immortal to begin with
so basically
what the fuck?

but so he eats a bunch of peaches
and he passes out in a peach tree
and these fairies come by to gather peaches for this sweet party
and they see that there are like NO PEACHES LEFT
and they wake up Wu K’ung
who has turned himself into a caterpillar for some reason
and he’s like WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
and they’re like uh
we were supposed to get peaches for this sweet party the queen is throwing
and Wu K’ung is like THE QUEEN’S THROWING A PARTY
AND I’M NOT INVITED?
BUUUUUULLLLSHIT
so he casts a spell on the fairies
(it doesn’t say what kind of spell
just any old spell
like maybe he set them on fire or bought them cotton candy
or just tattooed “STEAK” on all their foreheads
whatever)
and then he goes to the party
except he’s not content to just crash the party normal-style
no no no
he turns his hair into a PLAGUE OF SLUMBER-INDUCING LOCUSTS
then once everyone is asleep
he rolls in
gets PLASTERED
breaks a bunch of shit
including SEVERAL MORE ELIXIRS OF IMMORTALITY
(holy SHIT heaven is like oozing with this stuff)
and then he sobers up enough to realize he should probably get out of here
and he flies back down to earth and meets back up with his monkey bros
like DUDES I JUST TOTALLY CRASHED A PARTY
AND I STOLE ALL THEIR BOOZE AND BROUGHT IT HERE
SO WE CAN KEEP THIS PARTY GOING
ALL
NIGHT
LONG

but so then they wake up to find that perhaps they have partied TOO HARD?!
because now their mountain where they live is surrounded by EIGHTEEN NETS
and also EIGHTEEN MILLION THOUSAND ARMY DUDES
and also a whole pantheon full of PISSED-OFF GODS
but Wu K’ung is like it’s cool guys I got this
HIYAAAAAAAA
and BAM
he’s got SIX ARMS
EACH WITH A DIFFERENT CRAZY KIND OF WEAPON
like
he has so many arms
that about halfway through he runs out of real weapons to hold
and has to start making shit up
like KNIFE?
CHECK
AXE?
CHECK
CONSTANTLY OSCILLATING WHEEL OF FIRE?
CHECK?
but yeah
then he also bites off a bunch of his hairs and turns them into a tun of him
man male pattern baldness is gonna hit this guy HARD

but so the gods are STILL pissed off
I mean
if there is one surefire way to piss off gods
it is getting between them and their booze
so finally they pull out their ace in the hole
their ace in the hole is just some other god named Ehr-lang
which is not an intimidating name in any language
but actually he is a pretty formidable dude
his power level is substantial and all that
and what he does
which is actually pretty brilliant
is he grows like 10,000 feet tall
and then Wu K’ung is like OH IT’S ON BITCH
and he grows himself like ten thousand and ONE feet tall
and while they are busy godzilla-ing it up up there
all of Ehr-lang’s dudes just straight MASSACRE the other monkeys
and then the monkey king looks down and he’s like AW FUCK DUDE WHAT DID YOU DO
I THOUGHT I ERASED ALL THOSE GUYS OUT OF THE BOOK OF DEATH OR SOMETHING
and Ehr-lang is like WELL THEN MY FISTS MUST BE FOUNTAIN PENS
CAUSE I DONE PENCILED Y’ALL BACK IN FOR 11:00
WHICH IS RIGHT NOW
AND I GUESS I DIDN’T PENCIL YOU IN
BECAUSE MY FISTS ARE PENS
BUT ANYWAY THE IDEA IS I’MA KILL YOU
but by the time Ehr-lang is done backpedaling Wu K’ung has already run away
and turned into a bird
so it’s a good thing Ehr-lang has some kind of crazy GPS tracking device on him
he just starts chasing that bird like nobody’s business
by turning into ANOTHER BIRD
and this goes on for a while
with these two dudes shifting through basically every flavor of ornithological bullshit
and some snakes and fish and stuff also
and finally they just turn back into dudes
and start punching the hell out of each other
and the gods are watching like should we fix this?
yeah
we should fix this
so one guy throws this magic diamond ring at Wu K’ung
which knocks him out and then ties him up
this is a serious ring my friends
this is the kind of ring i would give as an engagement ring
because then if my fiancee tried to run away
BAM
ROPES AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS
I am just not very confident in my personal charisma is all ok?

but so the monkey king is like AWW NUTS
TOTALLY UNFAIR
and everyone else is like well
as long as we’re doing unfair things
why don’t we put this monkey in a pot
and MELT HIM so all his immortality comes out and we can maybe salvage it
and everyone is like THAT IS A GREAT IDEA
so they put him in a pot
and they set it on fire
and they leave him in there for FORTY-NINE DAYS
and then one guy opens it up to check on his ashes
and BOOM
OUT BUSTS THE MONKEY KING
like BITCHES
DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK UP IMMORTALITY IN THE DICTIONARY BEFORE YOU DID THIS?
IT MEANS I CAN’T DIE
IT’S NOT LIKE ONE OF THOSE BULLSHIT PARKING SIGNS
LIKE NO PARKING BEFORE TEN PM
THERE IS NO WORKAROUND
YOU CANNOT JUST KEEP CIRCLING THE BLOCK UNTIL MY IMMORTALITY DISSIPATES
NO MY FRIENDS
IMMORTALITY IS A SIGN THAT SAYS “NO DYING ANYTIME”
“MONDAY THROUGH SUNDAY”
“12AM TO 12AM”
“EVERY”
“DAMN”
“DAY”
so yeah basically the only thing anyone manages to accomplish by burning him
is turning his eyes a TOTALLY BADASS RED
so that’s when the gods are like fuck it
I’m out of ideas
somebody call buddha

so they manage to dig up buddha’s number
and he comes plummeting out of heaven like YO
MONKEY KING
LET’S HAVE US A CONVERSATION
and the monkey king is like sure okay what’s up
and the buddha is like dude
you’ve been being a real shack of tools these past several hundred years
and everyone would like you to stop
would you consider just chilling the fuck out?
and the monkey king is like dude
chill out?
I was just in a furnace for a month and a half
the only thing I am about to chill out is these beers I just stole from heaven
and buddha is like whoa whoa okay
a proposition then
if you can do a backflip out of my hand
you can go ahead and keep doing whatever you want
but if you can’t
I OWN you
and Wu K’ung is like psh WHAT?
your hand is like nine inches long
I can somersault AROUND THE WORLD
this is TRUE COMEDY, buddha
I accept your proposition

so buddha sticks out his hand
and Wu K’ung climbs on top of it
and he’s like ready
set
BACKFLIP
and he’s backflippin’ harder than a whole swimming pool full of breakdancers
until finally he stops
and he’s standing at the foot of these FIVE MASSIVE PILLARS
and he’s like HAH
I MUST BE IN SOME CRAZY ALIEN DIMENSION
LET ME MARK THIS PLACE FOR POSTERITY
so he carves his initials into one of the pillars
and then pisses on it for good measure
and then backflips back to where he started
and buddha’s like WHAT THE FUCK MAN
YOU JUST PISSED IN MY HAND
YOU LITERALLY JUST PISSED ALL OVER MY FUCKING HAND
HOLY SHIT DUDE
HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF BUDDHA’S INESCAPABLE PALM?
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?
and then buddha turns his hand into a mountain composed of a bunch of elements
and imprisons Wu K’ung under it for like several thousand years
with nothing to eat but iron pills
and nothing to drink but MOLTEN COPPER
until some sage decides he’s suffered enough
and releases him and gives him a new name
and they go searching for the mythic scriptures of buddhism
but THAT is a story for another time

so I think the moral of this story
is if you find yourself outmatched by a superior opponent
don’t fuck around
call Buddha FIRST

The end.

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No One Agrees Who The Hell Pan Gu Is

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT
TODAY IS BONUS DAY
it is bonus day because I give too little of a shit to pick one myth
and so instead I am going to tell you TWO CONFLICTING MYTHS ABOUT THE SAME DUDE
they are about personal hygiene and genetic modification respectively

okay so Pan Gu right?
apparently back in the day he was a dude living inside an egg
where was the egg, you ask?
probably in china
because that is where this myth is from
BZZ
WRONG
CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THIS STORY
THIS IS A CREATION MYTH
TRY TO KEEP UP
so yeah actually this egg is pretty much all there is anywhere
and inside the egg is all this cool shit
like lava and birds and mountains and shit
and also this dude Pan Gu like i said
but so even though Pan Gu literally has access to EVERYTHING THERE IS
he gets pretty bored inside this egg
and he’s like FUCK THIS
and he picks up an axe and breaks that fuckin’ egg in half LIKE A BOSS
then he proceeds to have an EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND-YEAR growth spurt
constantly holding the top of the egg balanced on his head in the process
which basically turns the top of the egg into the sky
and the bottom into the earth
it is very important that Pan Gu maintain proper posture because otherwise we’re all fucked
but so yeah then his beard turns into forests and shit
I think his bone marrow turns into rubies also
and something about his breath and wind and birds
whatever
this dude is basically everything
so you can kind of assume that if there is a thing
it probably came about as a result of one of Pan Gu’s bodily processes
but the best part is where humans come from
because apparently
humans are the lice coming off this dude’s corpse when he dies
yep
we are lice

so the moral of the story is
never bathe
because it is genocide

BUT GUYS THERE IS A DIFFERENT STORY ABOUT PAN GU THAT MAKES NO SENSE IN RELATION TO THIS ONE
in this one Pan Gu is a dog
owned by the Emperor of Heaven
Gao Xin
and Gao Xin is terrible at animals
so he keeps his dog inside a gourd on a plate in his house
i don’t even know if he pokes any air holes in the gourd
but anyway Gao Xin has an enemy named King Fang
which I think we can all agree is a great name for an enemy
and Gao Xin is like OKAY GUYS
WHOEVER KILLS KING FANG CAN BANG MY DAUGHTER
but despite the fact that his daughter is mega hottt
no one wants to go up against King Fang
because King Fang is a pretty rough and rowdy dude with a very intimidating name
but see Pan Gu the dog gets fed up with everybody’s sissynandering
and he just busts out of his gourd
runs over to king Fang’s house
and is like WOOF WOOF ASSHOLE
and King Fang is like oh look at the little puppy
NOW THAT GAO XIN’S DOG HAS ABANDONED HIM WE SHALL BE UNSTOPPABLE
but his evil monologue is cut short by Pan Gu removing Fang’s head with his teeth

so Pan Gu brings the head back to Gao Xin
and Gao Xin is like OH SNAP
NICE WORK DAWG
HAVE SOME MEAT
but the dog won’t eat anything at all
I guess he is kind of freaked out that he just BIT A MAN’S HEAD OFF
he doesn’t eat for 3 days and he just lies around like a chump
until finally Gao Xin’s daughter shows up like sup dawg
are you depressed because I don’t want to bang a dirty canine?
and the dog is like FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK
turns out all you gotta do is place me under a golden bell for seven days
and not look at me at all
and I will turn into a human
and Gao Xin’s daughter is like well that is convenient
good thing you can talk and are also magic
man being an animal in an ancient myth is great

so the chick puts the bell on the dog
but after like six days she gets worried
because i mean
chilling out under a golden bell is pretty pimp and all
but it is also a great way to starve to death
so she lifts up the bell to look at Pan Gu
but OH SHIT WHAT’S THIS
LOOKS LIKE THE TRANSFORMATION IS NOT COMPLETE
so he’s got the body of a human
but the head of a dog
like some kind of chinese minodogataur
and after that the magic won’t work
it’s like cooking rice or something
all the magic steam got let out so now he’s this weird thing forever

but the princess feels bad so she still marries him
but then she kind of doesn’t want to be seen with him
so they move to earth
and they live in hiding for the rest of their life
and Pan Gu wears a bag over his head during sex

so the moral of the story
is let sleeping dogs lie
so you can have sex with them and it won’t be gross

THE END

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Chang’e gets the short end of the immortality stick

a special internet thank you
to comics wizard Tom Siddell
for bringing this mythological personage to my attention with his internet comic

okay so you guys know about the sun right?

it’s this big ball of fire and explosions that flies around giving people cancer
but did you know there used to be TEN SUNS?
yeah
it SUCKED
it sucked so bad that Di Jun (aka Chinese Zeus)
(aka the father of all these rambunctious suns)
(get it? suns? sons? it’s brilliant)
had no idea what to do
so here’s what went down:

So there’s this really great archer named Hou Yi
and he’s chilling in his heavenly crib with his wife Chang’e
and all of a sudden the phone rings and it’s Di Jun
Hou Yi is like yo Di Jun my man what’s cookin’?
and Di Jun is like my friend the entire earth is cooking
you could fry an egg on a fucking glacier right about now
and it ain’t none of this sous vide bullshit or nothing
this is honest to goodness summer backyard barbecue
except instead of a big plate of watermelon on the back porch
everyone’s skin is melting off
can you solve this problem for me?
and Hou Yi is like you got it buddy

so Hou Yi grabs his trusty arrows and goes outside
and just kills nine out of the ten suns
and then he stares at the tenth sun real hard and he’s like
you best behave, sun
and the sun is like OK DUDE NO PROBLEM
and promptly dives underground and takes the subway home
and Hou Yi is like well that was easy
you’re welcome Di Jun
and Di Jun is like WHAT THE FUCK MAN YOU JUST KILLED 90% OF MY SUNS
I MEAN SONS
WELL I MEAN TECHNICALLY BOTH
and Hou Yi is like dude do you know who you called to solve your problem?
you called Hou Yi the immortal archer
what the fuck did you think was going to happen?
you know what they say:
when the only tool you have is a hammer
every problem starts to look like you can solve it by shooting your friend’s sons
until they explode and turn into mutant birds
(oh yeah, they totally turned into birds by the way)
um i think i may have mixed my metaphors a little bit
and Di Jun is like DAMN RIGHT YOU DID
I AM HEREBY REVOKING YOUR IMMORTALITY
ALSO:
YOUR WIFE’S IMMORTALITY
and Chang’e is like hey what the fuck
what did I do?

so now Hou Yi and Chang’e are both mortal
and Chang’e will NOT stop bitching about it
so finally Hou Yi is like GRR FINE
I will go get us some immortality
so he goes all the way the fuck to the west
and he finds Xiwangmu, the good witch of the west
who gives him a couple pills of immortality
and she’s like careful dude
this is some heavy shit
don’t take too much
and Hou Yi is like sure no problem
and then proceeds to go home and leave all the pills with his wife
while he goes out to shoot some things with arrows

so different tellers of this story ascribe different motivations to Chang’e here
some say she was a greedy twank who wanted all the immortality for herself
some say that there were some robbers and she took all the pills to spite them
some say she got hungry and confused
whatever
the point is Hou Yi isn’t gone for fifteen seconds
before all the pills are in his wife’s mouth
at which point she proceeds to have
THE ULTIMATE OVERDOSE

but instead of throwing up and then dying
which would be SILLY
Chang’e becomes TOO IMMORTAL
and apparently Immortality = buoyancy
so she floats to the moon
and her husband comes home and sees her floating to the moon
and he’s about to take out his bow and try to shoot her down
but everyone is all NO HOU YI
SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS BY SHOOTING THEM
and Hou Yi is like seriously?
fuck
and then his wife lives on the moon with a rabbit forever
and later another guy named Wu Gang gets sent there
he’s like Sisyphus except with a tree instead of a rock
and chopping it down instead of pushing it up a hill

so the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
unless you wanna wake up on the moon
with nothing but a rabbit and a deranged lumberjack to keep you company
take it from me

THE END.

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