I Guess It’s Not Surprising That HP Lovecraft Hates Colors

Yes yes I know
You are all itching for the next installment of Moby Dong
but right now I gotta take a quick break
and tell you a tale
from a mythos hand-selected by my patreon backers.
Don’t like it?
FUCKING SIGN UP FOR MY PATREON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Anyway yeah it’s Lovecraft time

I WASN’T ALWAYS A WEALTHY INTERNET CONTENT CREATOR, FRIENDS
many years ago I was a surveyor
I lived in Boston and I went around and surveyed shit
and this one time I had to go to this little village
near a town called Arkham
to plot out where to put a new reservoir
my job was very boring
this is one of the reasons I quit.

Another of the reasons I quit is that fuck Arkham
seriously, holy shit, never go to this place
bad shit happens there ALL THE TIME
like, example
this little village I had to go to
right over the hill from Arkham proper
was totally abandoned and spooky as fuck
it was abandoned, according to locals
because it was FUCKING CURSED
different people had tried to live there for a while
but it was too god damn spooky so they all left

Now, I figured this was bullshit
curses are bullshit
what am I,
a character in a short story written by a demented racist?
HAH
but it turns out this isn’t some ancient rumor about this place
turns out it got cursed in like
THE 80s
and in the center of this spooky god damn ghost town
is this huge chunk of gray-ass land with nothing on it
just dusty bullshit for like six acres
and a gross well
it’s super easy to survey, which is nice.

So obviously I have to check out these rumors
I don’t want my bosses building a reservoir on like
an ancient indian burial ground or something
nobody wants to drink ghosts
not even diluted ghosts
no ghosts are the kind of ghost I would want to drink
so I hit up basically the only dude crazy enough to still live here
this old dude named Ammi
like I said, he was the only dude still there
so I couldn’t pick someone with a less dumb name to talk to

Ammi’s like 80
so he was around for all the shit that happened 36 years ago
and according to him
it all started with
A METEOR
that landed on this dude Nahum Gardner’s farm
but this meteor didn’t wipe out all the dinosaurs
OR contain a baby superman
it just glowed faintly and shrank and was hot
so Nahum and his fam did what you normally do with shit like this:
they called some scientists
and the scientists did what they normally do in stories like this:
they were fucking useless
they bit off a chunk of this gooey rock
they bathed it in acid
they looked at it under a spectroscope
which showed them a color THEY HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE
and so were TOTALLY UNABLE TO DESCRIBE
like, did it not have a wavelength frequency?
How were these scientists content with “oh
we found a new color
nobody knows what it is”
WHERE IS THE FUCKING MATH ON THIS COLOR IS WHAT I’M SAYING

anyway
their sample shrinks and burns up their glassware and vanishes
so they have to go back to the farm to get more
and when they pry off a bigger chunk
they find this glass-type globe embedded in there
THE SAME INDESCRIBABLE COLOR AS THAT SPECTROGRAPH FROM BEFORE
so they do science to it
by which I mean some dude hits it with a hammer and it shatters
and they take no readings or analyze it in ANY WAY
and then they leave with their new rock chunk
and that night lightning strikes the meteor SIX TIMES
and then in the morning it’s gone
and the scientists continue to learn nothing
the end

OH WAIT NOT THE END
it looks like that meteor did something to the soil
because now Nahum Gardner’s trees are all fruiting
and the fruit is HUGE
which would be awesome if it didn’t all taste EVIL
INDESCRIBABLY EVIL

Oh and then it’s winter and his cabbages come in
and THEY’RE EVIL TOO
they’re HUGE and they are this INDESCRIBABLE color
(are you noticing a theme here?
I’m not sure this color is all that alien
I think everybody in this village is just terrible with words)

also all the little woodland creatures start mutating
their features and movements are all wrong
in a way no one can exactly put their finger on
and in the summer the farm swarms with insects
but these aren’t NORMAL insects
NO
they’re … different
… somehow

Some shit is pretty easy to describe though
like the fact that all the plants now GLOW IN THE DARK
or that the trees move even when there is NO WIND
(WHAT DO I KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT TREES)
And then the plants start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and then the animals start turning grey and crumbling to dust
and the whole time Ammi keeps visiting
and being like “Yo maybe you should move
or maybe like at least stop drinking from your well
you know
your well that is clearly evil?”
But then instead of moving away
Nahum’s wife goes crazy
so he locks her in the attic
and then one of his sons goes crazy
so he locks him in the attic too
then the well sets another one of his sons on fire
so he’s down to one son
but then I guess the well eats that one too
but it’s cool because Nahum thinks he’s still alive
because Nahum crazy too now

this is around when Ammi shows up
like “hey I brought some groceries and some OH FUCK”
and Nahum is like “Sup Ammi come chill with me by the fire”
and Ammi is like “Dude there is no fire your house is haunted
your house may actually just be a ghost at this point.
Gonna go upstairs because you probably forgot to feed your wife”
(oh yeah the first crazy son is also dead now)
so Ammi goes up to the wife’s room
and he opens the door and a vapor that is CLEARLY A GHOST comes out
but he’s too busy freaking out about the wife
who has decayed into grey dust
but is STILL MOVING.
Now, Ammi didn’t tell me this straight out
but I’m PRETTY SURE he beat Nahum’s wife to death
it was the right thing to do.

So by now Ammi’s freaking out obviously
he heads downstairs and Nahum is suddenly decayed as fuck too
and he’s like “AMMI IT WAS THE METEOR
THE METEOR POISONED THE WATER AND KILLED MY KIDS”
and Ammi is like “Yes, obviously
I have been telling you not to drink the water or live here
you are an idiot made of grey dust goodbye”
then he goes and gets the police
who insist on draining the evil well
and there’s dead bodies in there because what did you expect
or at least dead skeletons
and then all of a sudden the whole house starts glowing
and light starts shooting out of the well
IN A COLOR WHICH, EVEN NOW, NO ONE CAN IDENTIFY
YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD HAVE AT LEAST COME UP WITH A WORD FOR IT
OH WELL
anyway everybody runs away
and the trees all start raving pretty hard
and then the color goes to space
so this whole time
it was just a weird color that wanted to go to space
and murdered an entire family in the process
but some of it probably stayed in the well
which is why nothing grows in that big plot of land now
it’s all just grey dust
and a well
and the greyness might be growing like an inch a year too
who knows?

I sure as fuck don’t know
I don’t want to know anything more about this nightmare farm
as soon as Ammi was finished with his story
I went right back to Boston and quit my job
because fuck me if I’m working for a company
that wants to build a reservoir on top of SPACE GHOSTS.

The moral of the story I think
is that the middle of an unprecedented alien crisis
is the WORST time to abandon the scientific method.

The end.

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The Thing at the Doorstep Would be a Good Porn Title

Someone suggested I tell a myth about Shoggoths
and while Shoggoths are only tangentially involved in this story
I just said the word Shoggoth three times in three lines
and the funniest thing about Shoggoths is their name, so you’re welcome
(Shoggoth)

So
like all of lovecraft’s stories, this one begins with a disclaimer from the narrator:
DISCLAIMER:
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY IS MIND-SHATTERINGLY HORRIBLE
MY MIND IS SHATTERED
PROBABLY YOURS WILL BE TOO IF YOU READ THIS
SO UH
SORRY?

In fact the narrator (whose name is Dan, for what it’s worth)
has had his mind shattered to such a degree
that he just got home from shooting his best pal in the head SIX TIMES
his only regret?
THAT HE DID NOT ALSO SET THE BODY ON FIRE
so guys
this is your last chance
stop reading this story now
or else shoot your friends and maybe burn their bodies

yall still reading?
yeah
that’s because these disclaimers NEVER FUCKING WORK
SO ANYWAY

the friend that Dan just shot is named Edward
he’s eight years younger than Dan
and he’s been writing creepy-assed poetry since he was eight years old.
that was how old he was when he met Dan
who had such a DEEP NEED FOR CREEPY POETRY
that the two were bosom buddies from that point on
but there is a big difference between Ed and Dan
the difference is that while Dan is capable of doing normal people things
(going to school for architecture, getting married to a human, having human children)
Edward seems to only be capable of going to the local university
and reading creepy-assed books in the creepy-assed basement
he doesn’t even have any social skills to speak of
due to the fact that he spent basically 100% of his formative years with his mom
and thus never had to interact with any real people because moms don’t count
(sorry, mom)

but actually I exaggerated about the no social skills
it turns out Ed is just a late bloomer
about TWENTY YEARS late
as in, when he turns forty
(and his mom dies, which obviously does wonders for his social life
because moms are terrible and they will destroy you
{sorry mom})
he starts hanging out at the university
with the students
who are half his age.
I was about to say this was creepy behavior
but this is a guy who has lived and breathed creepy for forty-one years
and has a literature degree on top of that
so maybe it’s just performance art

except no
no it’s not
because Eddie falls genuinely, completely in love with this chick Asenath
who is clearly, irredeemably evil

first of all
her name
is ASENATH
when have you ever met someone named Asenath who wasn’t evil?
Come to think of it, when have you ever met someone named Asenath at all?
This should have immediately clued Edward in to the fact that he was in a Lovecraft story
which might have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Second of all
her dad is (was, cuz he’s dead) a notorious wizard from a town nobody likes
(because this is new england and and wizards are lower-class)
and his mom was a mysterious lady who never took off her veil
which means she’s probably an evil fish person or something
or else just a practicing muslim
which is even worse if you’re in a lovecraft story

finally
(and this is just a minor detail)
Asenath has demonstrated a startling ability to SWITCH BODIES WITH PEOPLE FOR NO REASON
also she can call up thunderstorms and make dogs bark at will
plus she’s constantly complaining about how she doesn’t have a man’s brain
and if she had a man’s brain (with all the magical powers men’s brains apparently possess
like the ability to get boners for no fucking reason
and the loss of the ability to reason when boners)
she could be an even better wizard than her dad
so not only is she a witch
but she’s a fucking BIGOT
like okay, I get it
the end of witch-burning was a big step forward for new england as a whole
but some people are just begging to get set on fire

That’s not what Edward thinks, though
he thinks Asenath is THE BEE’S KNEES
and you know what, he’s right
she IS the bee’s knees
that is, she is the the seemingly innocuous mechanism that allows STINGING INSECTS to WALK AROUND ON YOUR SKIN

because, see, as soon as they’re married
(oh yeah, they got married
because duh, why not marry an evil hypnotist)
Edward starts spending a lot less time hanging with his friend Dan
and a lot more time driving randomly around the countryside
with a look of EXTREME CONFIDENCE ON HIS FACE
which is weird, because Ed never learned how to drive
but I guess they didn’t need driver’s licenses back in the day so it’s cool

So Dan, being a highly intelligent gentleman
immediately guesses what the problem is
clearly the problem is that Ed is overly sweet on his sinister honey
and forgotten the immutable code of bros before hos
BUT THAT IS WRONG
THAT IS NOT WHAT HAS HAPPENED
actually what has happened is that Asenath
(SERIOUSLY, THAT NAME)
has been using her aforementioned BODY-SWITCHING POWERS
to repeatedly take over his body
and then use his man-brain to go meet with SHOGGOTHS
(there, I told you there were shoggoths
oh what, you want to know what shoggoths are?
fine okay
shoggoths are basically the kool-aid man
except instead of a glass body full of fruit punch
they have a gelatinous body covered in thousands of temporary eyes
and instead of busting through the walls of your house
and providing you with aforementioned fruit punch
they bust through the walls of your DIMENSION
and provide you with LIMITLESS HORROR
the analogy is perfect)

but one day Asenath goes too far
and she loses control of Ed while he’s out in some horrible woods
and Dan has to go pick him up
and Ed is like DUDE
MY WIFE HAS BEEN USING MY BODY FOR EVIL
and Dan is like ha ha bro you don’t gotta tell me
I know all about the birds and the bees
and Ed is like NO DAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
THAT BITCH IS THE BEE’S KNEES
and Dan is like haha i getcha I getcha
whatever you’re into
and Edward is like I AM NOT INTO THIS
I AM NOT INTO THIS AT ALLLLi mean hello Dan
it is I, Edward
definitely not Asenath controlling Edward’s body
pardon me while I steal your car and drive us back to my house
nothing to worry about
everything is normal
and Dan is like Phew
glad that everything is normal.

Dan
Dan, it’s me, the guy telling the story
everything is NOT normal, Dan
it is very obviously not normal
what’s it gonna take, buddy?
is Edward gonna have to murder his wife
and then bury her in the basement
and then go crazy so you have to put him in a mental hospital
and then get possessed by his now-dead wife
and trapped in his dead wife’s corpse
which he uses to dig himself out of the basement
call you on the phone unsuccessfully
and then write a long letter explaining all of this
and hand-deliver it to your door before collapsing in a pile of goo and organs?
IS THAT WHAT IT’S GONNA TAKE, DAN?
BECAUSE GOD HELP ME I WILL MAKE ALL OF THAT HAPPEN IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

turns out that’s exactly what it takes
and when Dan finally gets over being fucking terrified by the oozy corpse letter
he does the only reasonable thing
which is to go to the mental hospital
and shoot Ed like six times
and then come back home and write this story
to explain what he did
and ask that the city please set ed’s body on fire
to keep Asenath’s spirit
(which is actually her dad’s evil ghost)
from possessing anybody else

then I guess Dan sends his letter to the Arkham Daily Herald or whatever
and H.P. Lovecraft steals it and makes it into an award-winning short story

so the moral of the story
is that it’s only okay to be sexist if you’re a witch
and even then you’ll probably get shot

the end.

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Boats: an Elder God’s Only Weakness

Check the post below this for an announcement
or just say fuck it and read this instead

OK LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME HORRIBLE SHIT
because militant dominatrix Emilia “Kink Arrow” Von Sexx
wanted me to tell you about some other horrible shit
and this is my halfassed way of doing what she paid me to do
kind of

OKAY SO H.P. LOVECRAFT RIGHT

holy shit what the fuck is even WRONG with this guy
reading one paragraph of this cthulu shit
is roughly equivalent to TWELVE WEEKS IN VIETNAM
seriously i am getting flashbacks right now it’s terrible
but yeah ok i’m pretty sure you’ve all heard of this nameless horror cthulu
but like none of you have read the story that cthulu is actually fucking FROM
because you are all illiterate
because why the fuck else would you be reading my blog
SO HERE IS WHERE THIS WHOLE ELDER GODBEAST NONSENSE GOT STARTED

so there’s this dude and his granduncle dies
first of all who the fuck has a grand uncle
but second of all how does this dude have a granduncle who is so wicked sweet
this dude is like the ultimate crypto-archeologist
which basically means that whenever anyone digs up some shit they don’t understand
this is the dude they ask
AND NO ONE EVER DIGS UP SHIT THEY UNDERSTAND
but so this granduncle character dies
in a super suspicious way that involves a black dude
(fun fact: HP Lovecraft hates him some black people)
and he leaves all his crazy science bullshit to his grandnephew
and the grandnephew is rooting through all this shit in a super respectful manner
when he finds this weird-ass clay tablet with shit on it
that is not old AT ALL
and there is some writing with it
that is basically like HEY HEY HEY THIS WEIRD SCRAWNY-ASS SCULPTOR CAME IN HERE
WITH THIS FUCKING TABLET
AND HE WAS LIKE I MADE THIS IN A CREEPY DREAM
IT HAS A PICTURE OF A MONSTER ON IT
WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF AN OCTOPUS
A DRAGON
AND A FAT DUDE
SO OBVIOUSLY I GOT SUPER EXCITED AND ASKED HIM A TON OF QUESTIONS
that’s not all it says but i’m tired of writing in allcaps
it also says that this sculptor dude
whose name is wilcox
keeps having these creepy dreams where he hears shit yelling nonsense words
like cthulu and fhtagn
and then after a couple weeks he just goes off the fucking deepend
goes totally shithouse bonkers and starts passing out and gibbering
and yelling about some kind of mile-high hosebeast lumbering around causing problems
and then a few days later BAM he is suddenly cured and he has no memory of goin crazy
so that’s exciting/TERRIFYING

but our narrator (the grandnephew) does not give a cardboard FUCK
about this supernatural bullshit
he is pretty sure this wilcox guy just got messed up on sculpting fumes
and started making up crazy stories
so he goes ahead and reads MORE of his granduncle’s crazytime notes
and these ones are even MORE crazytimes
because they are talking about some cop called Inspector Legrasse
who showed up at this special archeologist nerd orgy in St. Louis
looking for any dudes who could help identify this creepy cthulu statue he found
when he was busting up a mega sinister occult love-in out in the bayou
and everyone is like WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE SHIT THIS IS
I MEAN
WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF ROCK THIS SHIT IS MADE OUT OF
WHAT IS THIS
SPACEROCK?
SATANROCK?
TELL US ABOUT THIS CRAZY OCCULT LOVE IN YOU BUSTED UP
WE ARE TIRED OF TALKING IN ALLCAPS

so Legrasse is like alright
basically some squatters showed up at the police station
like dudes there are some crazy assholes beating drums and setting off fireworks
like deep in the swamp
it’s seriously freaking us out
and i was like well fuck you that’s what you get for being squatters
but then i felt bad so we went and checked it out
oh also i think the drum dudes kidnapped some squatter dudes and maybe murdered them?
anyway I took 18 of my best dudes and we went looking for the guys with the drums
and we found them
on the edge of what is apparently an evil lake
full of like this huge white monster that eats dreams and shits deathterror
i mean no one has ever seen it but they know it’s there
presumably because they’re all FUCKING CRAZY
but anyway yeah there were a bunch of dudes dancing around by that lake
there was a ton of fire and dead bodies and also this statue
so naturally we shot half of them and took the rest of them to prison
because they were all blacks and mulattoes and you know how those guys are
(HP LOVECRAFT: HERO OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT?)
and uh they were all chanting this cthulu gibberish
i’m not even gonna bother to reproduce it here
basically it was something like
way down in R’lyeh evil sinister dead Cthulu is dreaming
i mean we tortured all those cultists and everything
and that’s all they’d fucking tell us
that and that there were all these elder beasts from space
sleeping underwater or something
and these cult dudes wanted to eventually release those guys
and basically ruin everything
pretty crazy right?
and the granduncle is like YES PRETTY CRAZY INDEED
BOY THAT’S REALLY GONNA FREAK ME OUT IN A FEW YEARS
WHEN SOME CRAZY SCULPTOR COMES AND TALKS TO ME ABOUT HIS DREAMS
yeah i dunno why we get fed these stories in reverse order either
just go with it ok

but so grandnephew Mcskeptic over here still doesn’t think this is AT ALL IMPORTANT
i mean he spends a little while trying to get famous
by finding out shit about this cult
but eventually he gets bored and moves on to some other shit
until ONE DAY he TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT finds a NEWSPAPER CLIPPING from AUSTRALIA
one of his rich asshole friends was using it to wrap some precious glassware
or some shit like that
and he just kind of smashes that glassware to the floor so he can READ THIS SHIT
there’s a photo of a little cthulu statue in there
and the article is basically like SOME DUDES FOUND A BOAT
THERE WAS ONE DEAD GUY AND ONE LIVING GUY ON IT
THE LIVING GUY HAD THIS STATUE AND IS PRETTY MUCH CRAZY AND WON’T EXPLAIN SHIT
THE END
and that is enough to motivate our hero to go to FUCKING AUSTRALIA

so he goes to australia
and tries to track down this boat guy
but everyone is like oh he moved back to his old house in Oslo, Norway
so TO OSLO WE GO
but oh shit
it turns out this boat dude DIED VERY RECENTLY
because he got hit on the head by a falling stack of papers
and then got helped up by some more black dudes
MAN THOSE BLACK DUDES SURE ARE CRAFTY AM I RIGHT LOVECRAFT?
but luckily boaty mcboat (whose real name is Johansen but i prefer boaty mcboat)
wrote a detailed account of his horrifying sea adventure
which is about how he and his crew set out on some ship
and then got attacked by another ship
crewed by black people who were SO EVIL that Johansen and his crew
COULDN’T HELP BUT BRUTALLY MURDER THEM
and then steal their ship (which is called the Alert
which is funny considering how easy those dudes were to murder)
and they realize that these dudes they killed were some kind of cult
cause they have like another evil cthulu statue in their ship
and then they sail towards some island that had an evil cthulu citadel poking out
which they spent a long time trying to figure out how to open
LIKE IDIOTS
oh by the way
fun fact
HP Lovecraft is a HUGE FAN OF ADJECTIVES
the more syllables the better
sometimes it can make reading his writing very difficult
but luckily i discovered a trick
which is that you can replace almost every single one of his adjectives
with “spooky”
without any loss of meaning
let’s try it on one of the paragraphs from the sailor’s account!
AHEM:

“I suppose that only a single mountain-top, the spooky, spooky citadel whereon spooky Cthulu was buried, actually emerged from the waters… Johansen and his men were awed by the spooky majesty of this spooky Babylon of spooky demons, and must have guessed without guidance that it was nothing of this or any other sane planet. Awe at the spooky size of the spooky stone blocks, at the spooky height of the spooky, spooky monolith, and at the spooky identity of the spooky statues and bas-reliefs with the spooky image found in the shrine on the Alert, is spookily visible in every line of the mate’s spooky description.”

SEE?
now just delete every instance of the word “spooky”
and watch this paragraph magically transform into PRETTY GOOD WRITING
but anyway
yeah after these idiots open up the citadel or whatever it is
Cthulu is like O HAI THER
and come lumbering out
along with a big black cloud of poison and insanity
two great things that go great together
and half the crew just instantly goes crazy/dies/is eaten by cthulu
another dude falls into a hole on the structure
that is only there
because the dude who built this shit
was SUCH A SHITTY ARCHITECT
that he BROKE GEOMETRY
like all the veticals are horizontals
and and the parallels are fucking
and what the fuck is a cosecant?
so yeah some dude falls like six degrees to bumfuck turnways
and so only Johansen and this one other dude even make it back to the boat
which is apparently a steam boat
cause they gotta get the steam up
and Cthulu is all GONNA GETCHA
GONNA GONNA GETCHA
and Johansen’s buddy looks back over his shoulder
and sees Cthulu
and INSTANTLY GOES FUCKING INSANE
and Johansen is like NO
FUCK THIS
and he SPINS THE BOAT AROUND
and just drives FULL SPEED AHEAD INTO CTHULU
JUST STRAIGHT THROUGH ITS FUCKING SQUIDFACE
and he basically just straight rips it in half
and it reforms on the other side
but then i guess it gets pretty sad
because instead of taking over the world and slowly fucking everyone to death
Cthulu just crawls back into its horrible deathpalace
and sinks back underwater
UNTIL NEXT TIME
oh yeah by the way this whole nonsense festival coincides precisely
with that painter’s fucked up dreams
and a bunch of other peoples’ fucked up dreams too actually
and some riots and some crazy people problems
and dudes killing themselves and stuff
so i guess the world didn’t get away with it COMPLETELY
there was some consequences i guess

but so then nephew mcnarratortimes
is like welp that’s the story of why everything is fucked forever
i kind of wish i was dead
that’s prolly gonna happen soon anyway
i better watch out for black dudes i guess
but man I just hope no one else finds out about this
that would be horrible for them
WAIT HOLD ON ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FIND OUT THIS SHIT
WHY DID YOU JUST PAINSTAKINGLY DETAIL IT OUT FOR ME
AND THEN PUBLISH IT IN A FUCKING BOOK
WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION PAID TO ALL THE CRUCIAL ADJECTIVES?
GREAT JOB PRICK
NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED

but anyway yeah
the moral of the story
is cthulu is coming
like for sure
but it’s not a big deal
because apparently cthulu can’t handle boats
and we have tons of those
this is perhaps the most potent argument for cruise ships

THE END.

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