It is less than twelve days til the twelve days of Christmas

Alright guys
I know christmas isn’t for another like whatever number of days
but i am already super in the spirit
and it reminded me
of a surreal and terrifying experience i had LAST christmas.
it was so surreal and terrifying
they wrote a song about it
in the past
in France in like the 1700s
this song is known only as
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
maybe you have heard it
but that’s okay
because i am in the business of telling you things you heard already

okay so last christmas we partied hard
we partied so hard we partied twelve times too long
and what normally would have been over and done with in 24 hours
lasted ALMOST TWO WEEKS
twelve days to be exact
and the whole time this chick just kept giving me presents
and these presents
well okay, first of all they were all like totally useless
and second of all
as the party progressed
and we all ingested a more and more startling melange of chemicals
these gifts underwent a thoroughly unreasonable GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION

so day 1 I got a tree
actually technically I did not get the tree
the tree came with the bird this chick got for me
a partridge, to be exact
and the tree had pears in it, which was pretty cool
we were all mega hungry by that point
so we chowed down on some pears and all was good

day two
more birds
not only did she give me another partridge
and another tree
she also gave me two bizarre genetic reptile-bird hybrids
called turtle-doves
they were sort of cute in an eldritch horror sort of way

DAY THREE
EVEN MORE BIRDS
so now I have three partridges
four reptile-pigeons
plus three obnoxious french chickens
all smoking their french chicken cigarettes
making snide comments about the interior decorating
everyone at the party was baffled
where was she getting all these birds, we asked
why did she think I liked birds
would it be cool if we killed and ate some of them
she did not answer our questions
nothing could stop her wild quest for birds
and that is why
on day four
I wake up to find myself the proud owner
of TWENTY WINGED CREATURES
AND FOUR PEAR TREES
GUYS
I AM NOT A BIG FAN OF TREES
I ACTUALLY REALLY HATE BIRDS
THEY ARE NATURE’S SOCIOPATHS
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO EXPLAIN ETHICS TO A PARROT
IT JUST STARES AT YOU WITH COLD LIFELESS EYES
WONDERING WHAT THE INSIDES OF YOUR BONES TASTE LIKE
at this point I have declared open season on these winged disasters
but no one at my party knows how to kill birds
and even less of the guests know what to do with a dead bird
plus they shut off my gas
cause i kept lighting it on fire just for laffs
and anyway it doesn’t even mater
because
SPOILER ALERT
THIS PSYCHOPATH LOVER OF MINE IS GOING TO GIVE ME AT LEAST TEN BIRDS
EVERY DAY
FOR THE NEXT EIGHT DAYS

so on day five I wake up in a cold sweat
I remove my sleep mask
crusted white with the shit of four different species of bird
and am STUNNED to discover that one of my hands
IS ENTIRELY DECKED OUT IN SWEET GOLD RINGS
I don’t know what prompted this sudden shift
from birds to treasure
but I am totally okay with it
I try to find the girl responsible
to thank her for the rings and maybe ask her to lay off on the birds
but she is nowhere to be found
because she is out pounding the pavement
searching for MORE BIRDS TO GIVE ME

SERIOUSLY
DAY SIX
SIX GEESE A-LAYING
so not only do I have to deal with these endless birds
I have to deal with their CHILDREN?
but it’s not all bad
because now I have rings for my other hand too
I look like a pimp, it’s amazing

BUT NOT SO AMAZING THAT DAY SEVEN CAN’T RUIN IT ALL
because on top of six more geese
and four more sparrows tweeting their asses off
and three more hens
and two more snakefinches
and another tree and another partridge
I am now the proud papa of SEVEN SWIMMING SWANS
this chick has plugged up my bathtub
my sink and my washing machine
all of them have become filthy sceptic swan playgrounds
and swans are fucking mean guys
they hiss and they bite
I cannot take a shower
I cannot wash my clothes or my dishes
which is getting to be a problem because remember
we have been partying for a solid week at this point
shit would be getting pretty crusty
even if it wasn’t completely blanketed in a thick layer of birdshit
plus with a total of fifteen rings on my fingers
it is getting hard to use my hands

DAY EIGHT
Oh thank god
Strippers
wait, these aren’t strippers
these are milkmaids
with muscley hands and a strong work ethic
AND THEY’VE BROUGHT THEIR COWS WITH THEM
OH GREAT
PUT YOUR COWS RIGHT THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM, LADIES
THEY WILL BE RIGHT AT HOME NEXT TO ALL THE HENS AND WHATEVER
but at least they’re keeping the party from being a total sausagefest
all the other ladies left around the fifth day of ceaseless bird poop
plus I couldn’t stop the milkmaids if I wanted to
my hands are now officially useless with all these rings on them
I look awesome though

DAY NINE
I will admit that it is nice
that after eight days of birdshit and farmwork
my mysterious lover has finally seen fit
to bring some legitimate dancing ladies up in here
BUT WHERE AM I GOING TO PUT THEM, HUH?
I HAVE SIXTEEN MILKMAIDS NOW
I COULD START A BUSINESS
OVID NASO’S BIRDSHIT AND MILK EMPORIUM
EXCEPT MY HANDS DON’T WORK AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK

DAY TEN
OKAY WHAT THE FUCK
WHERE DO YOU GO TO JUST BUY TEN BRITISH LORDS
AND WHY ARE THEY LEAPING
WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
THE WATER IS UNIFORMLY SATURATED WITH SWAN POOP
THE DANCING LADIES ARE TOO BUSY DANCING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
THE WHOLE LIVING ROOM IS A SOLID GREEN CLOUD OF COW METHANE
ALL THE GUESTS HAVE GONE
THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THEM IN MY BIRD-FILLED NIGHTMARE HOUSE

Day eleven
okay
i don’t even
she hired a troupe of flautists
i think they’re from the symphony
they are clustered on the back steps
gently serenading the swarm of birds perched in the pear trees
it is all very idyllic and i think my eyes are bleeding

Day twelve
Alright lady, the party’s over
I was cool when you got me a hundred and eighty-four birds
I was cool when you immobilized my hands with forty gold rings
I was cool when you forced me to host thirty-two cows and their maids
I was even cool when you forced me to host thirty british lords
all of whom are CLEARLY inbred, by the way
What I am not cool with
is that on top of the flautists and the drumline
and the snide hens and the dancers who won’t put out
is that those pear trees you got me
all twelve of them
are an INVASIVE FUCKING SPECIES
their roots are tearing up my foundation
and any day now my house is going to sink into the earth
taking this godforsaken farm circus with it
and good riddance
to you, and to it
i mean SHIT

…best christmas ever.

So the moral of the story
is you can certainly have too much of a good thing
but that is not unique to good things
you can also have way too many misbehaving animals
and musicians and royalty
and honestly
that is worse

THE END.

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Charlemagne is Heteroflexible

Here’s one I learned from Italo Calvino:

Okay so Charlemagne is this guy you may have heard of
he used to be the king of france or something
pretty great dude all around
you can play as him in Age of Empires 3 I think
BUT WHEN OUR STORY BEGINS
dude is being totally unreasonable about a hot chick

Now friends,
I know a hot chick is not an unusual thing to be unreasonable about
but dude is being SERIOUSLY unreasonable
like most dudes get a little stupid around bonafide hotness
but that stupidity generally only extends to hot chicks who are not corpses
but this chick we are talking about here
she has DIED
and Charlemagne is still swoonin’
he’s got her up in his bed
doing god knows what to her
and everyone is starting to get a little grossed out
ESPECIALLY the archbishop
because if you are the archbishop of a big kingdom like this
it is kind of a black mark against you
if your boss is a necrophiliac

But the archbishop has mad respect for Charlemagne
he figures that there’s gotta be something fishy going on
like magic or some shit
so he sneaks into Charlemagne’s room in the middle of the night
and he sticks his fist in the hot chick’s mouth
and what does he find under her tongue?
A MAGIC RING
DUH
but no sooner does the archbishop take it
then Charlemagne wakes up and falls INSTANTLY IN LOVE with the archbishop

So Charlemagne is dragging this archbishop around with him wherever he goes
they eat together
go hunting together
they sleep together
which is really the great thing about being a king, I think
is that a truly legit king can be as gay as he wants
and no one can really say shit about it

but finally the archbishop gets bored of all this affection and ass-sex
and he’s like dammit
what am I going to do with this ring
if I just leave it lying around
who knows what kind of twank is going to pick it up
but if I keep holding onto it I am looking at either death by exhaustion
or rectal prolapse
OH I KNOW
I’LL THROW IT INTO A LAKE

so he does
but all that does is make Charlemagne fall in love with the lake
and then he builds a chapel there and spends all his time there forever
and it’s really kind of a shitty place, so that sucks.

Alright so the moral of the story
is that if you find yourself falling in love with someone
stick your hand in their mouth real quick
just to make sure it’s legit.

THE END.

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In Which The Color Of This Dude’s Beard Is Not Actually Very Important

Yes guys it is after midnight
but guess what
I party HARD
so it’s still thursday in Ovidland
welcome to my world bitches
it is only slightly different from the world you are used to

anyway I owe today’s myth to the deft suggestion of swashbucking demolitions expert
CARLOS Q EXPLOSIONS
(the Q is for QUEXPLOSIONS)
it is about proper hair care

So Bluebeard right?

Turns out this dude is not a pirate at all
he’s just a really ugly dude
who thinks he’s punk rock just cause he put some dye in his beard
what’s more
this guy SUCKS at being married
he’s gone through seven wives like rolls of 1-ply toilet paper
by which i mean they all died
for no reason anyone can fathom
smallpox or hockey lung or the kissing virus or something
and now he’s coming up on number 8
but see here’s the problem:
he’s real ugly
we already covered this
but bluebeard has developed a foolproof strategy for picking up chicks
it is called being wealthy
so what he does is he just picks some chicks he’s into
and invites them to a crazy week-long coke party at his beach house
and at the end of that week he can just marry whoever the fuck he wants

SO HE DOES
he marries this one chick
and her sister gets to come live in the palace too
it’s awesome
and what makes it even more awesome
is after like a week of honeymooning
bluebeard is just like hey baby I’m going out of town for a while on business
here are all the keys to every room in my house
also my money vault and my gold hovercraft
have a party
have a thousand parties
but WHATEVER YOU DO
don’t use this key right here
see the one I’m pointing at?
this one
this one right here
don’t use it to unlock the closet on the second floor in the ballroom
the one with the do not open sign and the picture of the angry skull and crossbones
got it?
great
so I’m just going to leave all those keys with you now
and nothing bad will happen at all
toodles

so he leaves
and his wife indeed throws all the parties
she is chucking shindigs harder than a coke-addicted discus thrower
she is hurling hootenanies out of the goddamn windows so hard they shatter
and the razor sharp soiree shards cause the guests countless lacerations
but it’s okay
because they are pretty much just bleeding pure alcohol at that point anyway
but the whole time that these parties are going down
this chick can’t stop thinking about that fucking shitty door
and finally she’s just like ok whatever
I’m pretty fucked up right now and I can’t be held responsible for what i do
and I mean
he GAVE me the fucking key
what the hell did he think was going to happen
so she opens up the door and goes inside and OH FUCK WHAT IS THIS
i’ll tell you what it is
it is all of bluebeard’s DEAD EX-WIVES
HE MURDERED THEM AND PUT THEM IN A CLOSET
AND KEPT THEM THERE FOR YEARS PROBABLY
THEY MUST BE GETTING PRETTY RIPE BY NOW
NOT THAT IT MATTERS
BECAUSE REALLY THE MAIN PROBLEM IS JUST THAT HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF MURDER
I DON’T CARE HOW MINTY FRESH YOUR MURDERCLOSET SMELLS
IT IS STILL A GODDAMN MURDERCLOSET
THESE ARE WORDS TO LIVE BY

so obviously this chick just flips the fuck out
and in true horror movie fashion
she proceeds to drop the whole ring of keys and get it all covered in blood
and then she picks it up and GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE KEY TO THIS ROOM WAS ENCHANTED
SO THAT BLOOD WILL NEVER WASH OUT OF IT
and let me just say
that that is a TERRIBLE enchantment to put on the key to your bloodroom
but in this case it turns out to be pretty shrewd
because when Bluebeard gets home like a day later
he’s like WOMAN
WHY IS THERE BLOOD ON MY KEY
DID YOU GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO INTO THE BLOOD ROOM
NOW I HAVE TO PUT YOU IN THE BLOOD ROOM AGAIN
ONLY THIS TIME
WITH MORE BLOOD
and she’s like no wait
you can totally kill me for real
but just give me like 10 minutes of not dying
trust me it totally won’t backfire at all
and Bluebeard is like well alright
(PS I just mistyped Bluebeard as Bluebear and I think it is much better that way)

so she runs upstairs and finds her sister
and she’s like hey sister
yo sister
and her sister is like yeah?
and she’s like look out the window for me real quick
tell me if our bros are coming
I totally sent them an email yesterday about how my husband is gonna kill me
but I didn’t get a response so I dunno what’s up
and her sister is like nope
all I see is some grass
and some dust
and some OH WAIT
no, sorry, just some sheep
and then instead of coming up with some other plan for not dying
the lazy twank just keeps sitting there asking her sister about the window
until finally bluebeard is like ALRIGHT HONEY
TIME TO DIE
and she’s like NO NO GIMME LIKE 5 MORE SECONDS
and Bluebeard is like LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING WOMAN
MURDER DOES NOT HAVE A SNOOZE ALARM
and he’s totally about to stab her face off
when all of a sudden her two radical bros bust down the door
they are a dragoon and like a space wizard or something
and they kill the hell out of bluebeard
and then his wife inherits all his stuff and uses it to buy a diamond horse
and also a husband for her sister and some sweet new wizard boots for her bros
so everyone is happy except for bluebeard
who is dead
but honestly I don’t think that dude was ever happy

So the moral of the story
is that marrying dangerous psychopaths
is a great way to get rich quick

the end.

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Cats Solve Every Problem

sorry to people who are still waiting on shirts
i am scrambling to get the crossdressing ones screenprinted
and also to make the other ones people ordered
they’re coming
keep your pants on
it would be silly for you to spend all this time waiting for your shirt
only to be pantsless when it arrives
shirtcocking is frowned upon everywhere
also hopefully I will have some exciting shit to announce in the next few days
oh and also I wrote something really silly for this website
go read it and then stick around and maybe read other things there?

anyway today’s myth was brought to my attention by Vigilante/DJ
Dick “REEEEEEEEEMIXXXX” Batman
MONTHS AGO
it is from france

okay so there’s a king right

i mean of COURSE there’s a fucking king
maybe I should just save some fucking pixels
and only let you guys know when there ISN’T a king
I’m pretty sure if you just traveled a hundred years into the past ANYWHERE
it’d be KINGS ALL THE WAY DOWN
but anyway yeah there’s this king
he’s thinking it might be time to stop being king
and maybe let one of his sons be king
but all three of his sons are SOOOO TALENTED AND HANDSOME
that traditional rites of succession just go out the window
and instead the king’s heir is determined by who can find him the tiniest dog
remember this is france we’re talking about

so all three of his kids are like what the fuck
a dog?
they sell those in stores
why are we doing this?
oh yeah
to be KINGS
so they all take off in opposite directions
as is the custom on stupid quests like these
and then we focus on the youngest son because that seems to be the done thing

so the youngest son comes up with a really clever strategy
which is just to buy EVERY DOG HE FUCKING SEES
he’s just marching from city to city
leading a parade of piss, barking, and rabies
probably with the idea that if he just buys EVERY DOG
his bros won’t be able to buy any and he’ll win by default
but oh shit
this fairytale has been going on for like HALF A PAGE
and no one is in the fucking woods yet
LET’S FIX THAT
ok so this guy is in the woods now
it’s raining and it sucks
all his dogs are gone because what the fuck did he expect
but all of a sudden he finds a castle
and he’s like holy shitbed
I gotta get into that castle
so he knocks on the door
and I’ll give you three guesses who answers the door
actually I don’t know why I would even do that
I can’t hear your guesses because we are on the internet
but anyway you guessed wrong
the answer is hands
hands answer the door
yes
just a swarm of cousin Its
but without the hair
and instead of a person they are just a hand
man that would have been a good addition to the Adams Family
oh well
anyway these things are all hovering around the portcullis
all suggestively curling their index fingers
and our hero has NO PROBLEM WITH THIS AT ALL
he doesn’t even have a problem with it when the hands take him inside and UNDRESS HIM
but i guess his trust is rewarded with some pimp attire
and then he gets lead to a bigass dinner table
and at the end of the table
there are CATS
playing INSTRUMENTS
guys I am sorry
I know you came here for a myth and not a fucking NOVELTY CALENDAR
MUSICAL CATS 2011-2012
and the prince is like damn am I high or something because this shit is UNREAL
and then a bunch of other cats come out
and one of them is like this smokin white tabby
WEARING PEOPLE CLOTHES
and then there are other ones CARRYING SWORDS SOMEHOW
CATS DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS
DID SOMEONE GLUE SWORDS TO THESE CATS?
CATS WITH WEAPONS GLUED TO THEM 2011-2012
ok that’s a calendar I would actually buy

anyway the cat is all welcome to my weird castle full of nothing but cats and hands
I know you probably don’t want to eat dead rats so lemme get you some tasty grub
and BAM
there is some tasty grub
the prince is feeling pretty swell now
and then he passes out
and he wakes up next morning and it is time to go hunting

so he gets all gussied up and he goes outside
but the only horse they have for him to ride is a wooden horse
which he is pretty pissed off about understandably
I mean if they hadn’t squandered their horse budget on all these floating hands
they might actually have had some decent animals
but eventually he feels bad so he gets on the horse
and then I guess he sits on it motionlessly for hours while everyone else hunts
because WOOD CANNOT GALLOP

but wood horse or no
the prince has a pretty great time at the castle
the time he has is so great that he TOTALLY FORGETS ABOUT THE DOG HE’S SPOSED TO FIND
and he’s like oh shit what now
I gotta be back home in three days and I am dogless
and the cat queen is like don’t worry
I have a walnut
and the prince is like NO TIME FOR WALNUTS I MUST FIND DOGS
and the cat is like dude
there is a dog in this walnut
and the prince is like
that is astonishingly unlikely
but he listens to the walnut
and he hears a fucking dog in there
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I GUESS I BELIEVE YOU
and then he gets on the wooden horse
which apparently CAN move
and he rides home
and on the way some uglyass dog starts following him i guess
because then he meets up with his bros and they make fun of him
for his mangy dog and his wooden horse
now I dunno about you
but if someone rode up to me on a fucking AMBULATORY WOODEN HORSE
i would not be like hahaha your horse is wooden asshole
because chances are that asshole is a WIZARD
and his horse is a WIZARD HORSE
but I guess these princes know their little brother isn’t a wizard so it’s safe

anyway they all go into the throne room and show the king their dogs
and of course the youngest prince opens up his walnut and his dog wins
because he used magic to cheat whereas his brothers actually worked hard
but then PLOT TWIST
turns out the king is a powerhungry asshole who doesn’t want to give up his crown
plus he figures he can keep milking his kids for bizarre shit
so he’s like uhhh
well
great job everyone
but I’m REALLY having a hard time deciding
so how about you guys go find me a piece of muslin so fine
that it can pass through the eye of a needle
muslin I’m guessing is a kind of fabric you use
if you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about
anyway OFF THEY GO

so this time the youngest prince doesn’t waste any time buying up dogs
he just goes straight to the cat castle
the catstle?
KITTY CASTLE 2011-2012
but so he goes up to the cat queen and is like hey baby
got any superfine muslin?
and the queen is like DO I?
HERE
TAKE THIS WALNUT
and the prince is like does everything here come in walnuts?
and the cat is like not everything
just plot devices

but anyway the prince gets back to the kingdom
and his bros have some pretty fine muslin
but then he is like PREPARE TO GET SHOWN THE FUCK UP
so he cracks his walnut
and inside is a hazelnut
and inside that is a cherry pit
and inside that is a grain of wheat
and inside of that is a millet seed
and the prince is like what the fuck cat
did you spend decades genetically engineering a tree just to fuck with me?
is there a secret grove somewhere
just full of fuckyou trees?
but no
he cracks open the millet seed and inside is A WHOLE BUNCH OF MEGAFINE MUSLIN
it passes through all the needles
EVERY NEEDLE
but hey guess what
the king is still a powerhungry jackass
so he’s like HMM STILL DON’T WANNA NOT BE KING
HOW ABOUT WHOEVER BRINGS BACK THE HOTTEST CHICK GETS TO BE KING
MAYBE

so the prince is like man fuck this
and he goes and rides back to the cat
not even to get a princess
just to complain about what a dick his dad is being
and the cat is like pshaw son
i will get you the sexinest princess of all time
all you gotta do
is cut off my head and also my tail
then set them on fire
and the prince is like WHAT!!?
WHAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!
ok
so he cuts off her head and her tail and sets them on fire
and WHABAM
now she’s a FUCKING HOT AS HELL PRINCESS
because apparently she was raised by fairies
but then they got pissed off because she wanted to fuck some prince
(who coincidentally looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS PRINCE LOOKS)
instead of the king of the dwarves
who is the dude they WANTED her to marry
although I the dwarfking was really even interested
unless her vag was made of gold
but anyway then they go back to the kingdom
and the king is like aw man I don’t wanna be not king anymore
and the princess is like dude it’s fine
I’m so fucking rich
KINGDOMS FOR EVERYBODY
so the two older sons get kingdoms
and then there are still THREE FUCKING KINGDOMS left over for the youngest and her
which sort of begs the question
why did she not just buy herself an army of catwhores and cocaine
and forget all about curses and princes and whatever
but anyway everyone seems happy so that’s ok

so the moral of the story is
it’s totally cool to fuck animals
as long as you decapitate them first

the end.

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