Erysichthon Gotta Eat

I always love a good Greek myth
and today’s was brought to my attention
by long-time reader Ilya “Not Ilya of Murom” Lastname
and it is about an eating disorder

So you guys know about Demeter, right?
She’s the goddess of fertility and crops and whatnot
her daughter got stolen by the king of hell for sex reasons
it was a whole thing.
Anyway, being as she is in charge of fertility and crops and whatnot
it makes sense that Demeter would have an official forest dedicated to her
with a tree in it that is also dedicated to her
and covered in garlands and shit
one for each prayer she’s answered
so either she answers a lot of prayers
or everybody keeps falsely attributing their success to her
and then showering her tree in the ancient greek equivalent of macaroni pictures
in fact I’m not entirely convinced that Demeter likes these offerings
they seem like fancy trash to me
i don’t know how Demeter feels about littering
but I would wager she does not feel super great about it???
regardless, she does feel pretty attached to the actual tree
seeing as it is a literal extension of her body
which is why she is none too pleased
when this shitty king named Erysichthon decides to chop it down.

It is not at all clear why Erysichthon wants to do this
he doesn’t need the wood or anything
there’s no record of Demeter doing anything particularly shitty to him
maybe he just has really bad seasonal allergies
or he’s trying to erect a strip mall
or he just fucking hates trees
all totally understandable motivations
but Demeter doesn’t see it that way
she sees it the way where some rich asshole is carving up part of her body with an axe
so she makes the tree turn into flesh and start GUSHING BLOOD
and all Erysichthon’s guys are like “dude trees aren’t supposed to do that
this tree is CLEARLY haunted
why don’t we quit while we’re ahead
as in while we are not beset by vengeful ghosts”
but Erysichthon chops down the tree anyway
he gets blood everywhere
crushes a ton of other trees under its massive trunk
it’s a horrible waste
which is what makes it so metal.

Demeter obviously is not impressed by how metal this all is.
Instead she decides Erysichthon needs to get punished
and in the ancient Greek tradition
of punishments having fuck all to do with the crime
she decides to make him perpetually hungry.
Here’s the problem:
making people hungry is the exact opposite of what Demeter can do
she is straight up the goddess of feeding people
she is the concerned jewish mother of the Greek pantheon
so she has to ask Famine to do this thing for her
which is complicated by the fact
that Demeter and Famine are NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO HANG OUT
so Demeter has to send a go-between to the fucking Eurasian steppes
to find Famine on the tundra
with her ribs all exposed and her eyes all sunken
guts all visible through the skin
doing a photoshoot for Chanel
and the go-between is like “psst:
Demeter wants you to fuck a dude up.
Climb down his throat and shit a black hole in his stomach
please and thank you.”
and Famine is like “Sure whatever
I wasn’t doing anything this evening anyway.”

So Famine flies to Erysichthon’s house and gives him The Hunger
which is like if every food item in the world
was suddenly Subtraction Soup from the Phantom Tollbooth
everything he eats just makes him more hungry
he’s hoovering down food like a tyrannical Guy Fieri
he’s sitting at dinner like “mm this bucket of fried chicken is good
you know what it would go great with?
ELEVEN BUCKETS OF FRIED CHICKEN.”
He cleans out countless all-you-can-eat buffets
he even goes to Sizzler
his stomach is a void
his a mouth is a portal to the Other Side
he is Galactus
it’s super inconvenient

he sells everything he owns to buy more food
and then when he runs out of things to sell
he starts selling people
namely his daughter Mestra
he sells her into slavery for a cheesy crunch wrap from Taco Bell
but for some reason she doesn’t want to be sold into slavery
so she prays to Poseidon
who she boned once
and he’s like “Ugh, fine, you get one favor in exchange for riding my trident
boom:
you are now a shapeshifter”
so she turns into an old fisherman
and when the slaver shows up like “hey, have you seen any hot dames around here?”
she’s like “Uh nope. Just fish. I am a fisherman. Yes.”
and the slaver is like “oh well”
and Mestra is like SCORE

but she may have celebrated too soon
because when her dad finds out she can shapeshift
he’s like “SWEET
now I can sell you over and over again to different people
and you can shapeshift to escape
and I can use the money to buy BURGERS”
and Mestra is like “Well i guess you are the adult here”
so they do that for a while
until Erysichthon is like “You know, these burgers are great
you know what they would go great with?
MY OWN FLESH”
so he eats himself
and then his daughter is like “Fuck yeah no more slavery.”
Then she becomes Mystique and lives happily ever after.

The moral of the story
is don’t tell your dad you can shapeshift.

The end.

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THE BIRDS (but not the Hitchcock version) (but kind of the Hitchcock version)

I want you guys to know that there is no way I would tell this story
if I weren’t being forced to by my patreon backers
and the reason for this should be pretty clear:
it is a play written by Aristophanes
and it is called

THE BIRDS BY ARISTOPHANES

(adapted for internet by Fake Ovid Naso)

two assholes are wandering around in the wilderness
their names are Pisthetearus and Euelpides
which are such terrible names that they must belong to terrible people
and oh, what’s this, looks like I was right
these towering twanks are carrying birds around with them for some reason
why would they do that
I guess we’re about to find out, because this is when they start talking:

PISTHETEARUS: this bird is eating my fucking hand why did we buy these

EUELPIDES: to guide us to the land of the birds you idiot

PISTHETERUS: okay I guess I deserve that. I guess we are both big idiots

EUELPIDES: and to think, all we wanted to do was avoid all our legal responsibilities in Athens by finding a group of gullible birds to help us found our own city where we are kings

PISTHETEARUS: the struggle is real

suddenly the birds start going APESHIT
because there is a new bird here
and his name is TEREUS
you remember Tereus, of course
he is the one who raped his wife’s sister
and then cut out her tongue
and then the sisters killed his son and fed it to him
and they all turned into birds the end.
In this play, he’s a good guy!
also he lives with Procne
his wife who fed him his kids
I’m glad everything worked out for those two crazy lovebirds

TEREUS: what’s up guys what are you doing here what’s going on

EUELPIDES: we are running from the law

PISTHETEARUS: use your wings to help us find a dope city with no laws

TEREUS: ok well I have a few cities I could suggest …

EUELPIDES: those cities are all garbage

PISTHETEARUS: we will found a new city, a city of birds

TEREUS: we will?

EUELPIDES: yes

PISTHETEARUS: we’ll call it Nephelococcygia

EUELPIDES: it means “cloud cuckoo land”!

PISTHETEARUS: it’s what that level in Banjo Kazooie is named after!

TEREUS: sweet well i’ll summon all the birds I guess

he does this
oh god all the birds are here the stage is full of birds oh fuck

BIRDS: what the fuck why are these humans here we hate humans

SEE? WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME

TEREUS: no chill out these guys are cool

BIRDS: well since you are such a good judge of character we’ll hear them out

EUELPIDES: look guys, we all know birds are the most powerful force in the world. you eat all the bugs to ensure good crops, you tell omens, you shit on lame people we don’t like. you guys run the world

PISTHETEARUS: and it’s time yall started acting like it!

EUELPIDES and PISTHEATRUS are SPECIES TRAITORS

BIRDS: yeah you know what let’s build a city in the sky and demand tribute from everyone

TEREUS: I don’t see how this could go wrong!

IT FUCKING DOESN’T. ONE WEEK LATER EUELPIDES AND PISTHEATRUS HAVE WINGS AND ARE RECEIVING ENVOYS. They are actually trying to sacrifice a goat to consecrate the city rn but they keep getting interrupted

POET: Hello I am here to yell poems at you!

PISTHETEARUS: POETRY IS DEAD

Pisthetearus beats the poet until he goes away.

PROPHET: I’m a prophet and I’m here to say that if you don’t give me a bunch of food and booze BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN

PISTEATRUS: BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. TO YOU.

Pisthetearus beats the prophet until he goes away

METON: I am a famous math guy, here to do math on your city and help you efficiently plan your road system!

PISTHETEARUS: WHERE WE’RE GOING WE DON’T NEED ROADS. WE’RE BUILDING A CITY IN THE SKY YOU IDIOT

what do you think pisthetearus does.
a police inspector and a guy who makes decrees also show up
and also get beaten with sticks.
some time during this process Eulpides disappears
maybe he got sick of living in a city full of birds
maybe the secret police got him
I don’t know
I will believe literally any bad thing you tell me about birds.
anyway some dude shows up

SOME DUDE: yo the birds finished building the city wall

PISTHETEARUS: they what?

SOME DUDE: yeah they built a giant wall out of stone and I guess it floats in the sky

PISTHETEARUS: what how

SOME DUDE: I don’t know they used their wings and beaks and shit they’re fucking birds DID YOU NOT REALIZE WHO YOU WERE DEALING WITH

PISTHETEARUS: no no no this is great. see all we have to do now is send envoys to the humans and the gods telling them all that we are in charge now and all the sacrifices should go to us because we are birds

SOME DUDE: I don’t see how this could go wrong!

AND IT DOESN’T. The gods try to make a big deal out of it but the humans are super into the idea, probably because pisthetearus bribes them all with free wings. pretty soon Prometheus shows up

PISTHETEARUS: Yo! Prometheus!

PROMETHEUS: shh dude the gods don’t know I’m here. I just wanted to tell you that they’re all fucking starving up there because you’re jacking all their sacrifices and they’re gonna have to give into you soon. I’m on your side buddy

Prometheus what are you DOING an eagle literally eats your liver EVERY DAY Prometheus REMEMBER WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE

PROMETHEUS: alright I gotta go now but remember: all hail our new bird overlords

PISTHETEARUS: this is all suspiciously easy, almost as if a vast bird conspiracy anticipated my –

POSEIDON: NO TIME TO THINK CRITICALLY, GODS ARE HERE

HERCULES: I am another god who is here!

TRIBALLUS: I’m a racist caricature masquerading as a god! Besides these two expository sentences, I only speak gibberish!

PISTHETEARUS: Boys, boys, I know you all want to murder all birds in an epic cyclone of blood and thunder …

HERCULES: Yeah that sounds pretty good

yes come on finally

PISTHETEARUS: But what if I were to offer you some … FRIED CHICKEN INSTEAD?

HERCULES: fried chicken you say?

OH COME ON. COME THE FUCK ON HERCULES

PISTHETEARUS: yeah and all Zeus has to do is cede authority to the birds and let me marry the Director of Operations for all of Olympus

POSEIDON: That sounds like a bad deal

PISTHETEARUS: I’m sorry were you not listening to the part where I offered you FRIED CHICKEN?

HERCULES: He has a point, Poseidon

TRIBALLUS: BLUR BLUR BLUH BLUH BLUH!

POSEIDON: Okay fine, but only because Triballus put it so eloquently.

PISTHETEARUS: Hooray! I’m marrying a goddess and nothing bad happened!

BIRDS: EXCEPT THAT YOU HANDED CONTROL OF THE LAND, THE SEA, AND THE HEAVENS TO A MALIGNANT FORCE OF NATURE OLDER THAN THE GODS THEMSELVES. WE WILL RULE FOR A MILLION YEARS. YOU FOOL, YOU HAVE USHERED IN A NEW ERA: THE AGE OF FEATHER AND TALON.

PISTHETEARUS: Still totally worth it!

ALL: The moral of the story is if you give a bird a city pretty soon he is going to want dominion over all mankind!

THE END. I FUCKING WARNED YOU. DIDN’T I FUCKING WARN YOU?

god, fuck you Aristophanes.

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Hyppolitus, A Play About Sex Problems

Holy cow it’s been a long time since I did a greek myth
so
speaking of holy cows
here’s a story about the daughter of pasiphae
(Pasiphae fucked a holy cow)
this daughter’s name is Phaedra
and the play about her is appropriately titled:

HIPPOLYTUS BY EURIPIDES
(adapted for internet by Fake Ovid Naso)

All of the horrible shit that’s about to happen is happening in Athens, Greece, which is the city that Theseus is the king of. Theseus is on his third wife at this point, because he abandoned the first one (Ariadne) on an island and the second one (Hyppolita) killed herself at his wedding to his third wife (Phaedra). This play is not named after any of those people. It’s named after Theseus’s son from his second marriage: Hyppolitus. Aphrodite is here right now and she does not like Hyppolitus at all.

APHRODITE: Oh my god fuck Hyppolitus. Seriously, somebody please fuck Hyppolitus. That little sanctimonius piss merchant has made a pledge to Artemis that he won’t fuck no ladies no-how, and no matter how much poon I shovel his way, he sticks to his limp-ass guns. Well fine. If he’s not gonna get fucked the fun way, I’m gonna fuck him in the un-fun way. BOOM! Phaedra’s in love with him now. Have fun dealing with unstoppable stepmom lust, cricket-dick.

Aphrodite exits directly into the towering orgy that is her life. Then there’s a scene where Hyppolitus shows up at Athens and fails to pay respects to Aphrodite but we already know he’s a swaggerless eunuch so let’s skip to the good shit: here comes Phaedra and her horny nurse

NURSE: Ok seriously you need to eat something.

PHAEDRA: Nah I’m good.

NURSE: You have not eaten anything in like six days. I get that thin is in or whatever but you are going to fucking die and there is only a small subset of people in the kingdom who are into that shit.

PHAEDRA: Dying seems pretty cool.

NURSE: Clearly something is up right now and you need to tell me what it is

PHAEDRA: Promise you won’t freak out?

NURSE: I promise

PHAEDRA: I wanna sex up Hyppolitus

NURSE: OH WHAT THE FUCK

PHAEDRA: You just said you wouldn’t freak out!

NURSE: Yeah well you just said you wanna slap laps with your step-son so I guess it’s a pretty crazy night all around huh?

PHAEDRA: So you understand then. The only logical solution here is for me to kill myself. Every other solution involves having sex with my step-son.

NURSE: Okay calm down. Let’s think about this like rational people.

PHAEDRA: But we’re characters in a greek tragedy

NURSE: Oh yeah, shit. Tell you what: I can make a potion that will make you stop loving Hyppolitus, but first I need to get him to give you a token of his affection, so I’ll go explain the whole situation to him and it will all work out perfectly with no complications.

PHAEDRA: What a shitty plan

NURSE: Remember when you were gonna starve yourself to death because you like a boy?

PHAEDRA: Fine, do your thing.

Nurse goes into the castle to find Hyppolitus.

NURSE: Yo Hyppolitus I have something to tell you but first you have to pinkie swear not to tell anyone else

HYPPOLITUS: Sure, what’s up?

NURSE: I need you to fuck your step-mom.

HYPPOLITUS: Super not going to!

NURSE: Come on she’s technically not even related to you

HYPPOLITUS: One: it’s still creepy. Two: if it wasn’t creepy I still wouldn’t do it because I am a VIRGIN who HATES SEX.

NURSE: We’re talking about the chick your dad left your mom for. She’s obviously super hot.

HYPPOLITUS: That is HIGHLY UNCONVINCING.

NURSE: Her mom fucked a bull. She’s probably kinky!

HYPPOLITUS: God dammit if you hadn’t made me promise not to tell anyone about this I would SO BE TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS

NURSE: Well duh that’s why I made you promise.

HYPPOLITUS: UGH. GIRLS ARE SO GROSS. I’m going out hunting. When my dad gets back home you are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE.

Hyppolitus runs away. The Nurse goes outside to tell Phaedra she fucked up.

PHAEDRA: How’d it go?

NURSE: Not … great?

PHAEDRA: Shit. Guess I better go kill myself.

NURSE: Guess so.

Bummer. Theseus gets home a few minutes later and finds his wife’s corpse

THESEUS: Aw man not again. I just got this one! Hey, there’s a note attached to her: “Dear Theseus, Hyppolitus raped me and I was so ashamed about it that I killed myself. Love, your dead wife.” Aw, fuck! Hyppolitus, get in here!

HYPPOLITUS: Hey dad what’s upOH MY GOD PHAEDRA’S DEAD

THESEUS: Don’t act so surprised you sex criminal

HYPPOLITUS: But I didn’t … she came on to me!

THESEUS: Wow. Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?

HYPPOLITUS: Man I wish I could tell you more, but I sort of … promised not to?

THESEUS: Weak. You’re exiled. I hope you die. In fact, I’m gonna do better than hope. I’m gonna cash in one of my favors with Poseidon to actually make you die.

This all happens. Hyppolitus gets banished, and then Poseidon causes an earthquake and Hyppolitus’s horses freak out and drag him to death. It’s pretty brutal. Then, Artemis shows up!

ARTEMIS: Hey, sorry I’m late. You didn’t kill Hyppolitus yet, did you? Because he’s innocent. Totally innocent the whole time.

THESEUS: Oh. … Well shit.

ARTEMIS: I guess the moral of the story is …

ALL: Women are liars!

NURSE: Hey, is anybody worried that stories like these enable a culture of victim-blaming and rape denial?

ARTEMIS: THE END!

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The Sword Of Damocles is Hangin’ Over My Head (THAT AIN’T NO CRIME)

Today’s mega short myth brought to you by a guy who calls himself
CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
Some advice, captain:
NO ONE is immune to bears
that is sort of the entire point of bears
they made a movie about it, even.

Not being immune to bears is something Captain Bearproof has in common with the characters of this story
which has nothing to do with bears
but like I said
NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS.
Anyway this story is about a tyrant named Dionysis II
who takes over Syracuse
(in Sicily, not in New York)
just so he can party literally all the time.
Big D has a little pal named Damocles
and Damocles is straight up ENCHANTED
by the incessant opulence of Prince Di’s palace
so little D goes to big D and he’s like “Hey man
I love how you party all the time and give literally no shits about anyone else
like that one time when you fucked a rotating carousel of humans
powered by tireless slaves
who you then set on fire
in order to cook bacon you stole from orphans.
Basically, dude
I wanna be you.”
and Dionysis
who is just on TONS of shrooms right now
is like “OH YOU WANNA BE ME, HUH?
OKAY
SLAVES, BRING OUT A GOLDEN COUCH FOR DAMOCLES
BRING OUT THE DIAMOND CAVIAR AND THE COCAINE TUREEN
WHEEL THE BLOWJOB MACHINE ON OVER THERE
AND .. hmm, what else?
OH YEAH
SUSPEND AN INCREDIBLY SHARP SWORD DIRECTLY OVER HIS HEAD BY A SINGLE HORSE HAIR
MAN I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS.”

so Damocles sits down on this couch for some reason
and he tries to enjoy it, he really does
but the cocaine just makes him more paranoid
and he can barely feel the blowjob machine
and you can’t eat diamond caviar
it’s made of diamonds
no one can chew diamonds
just like NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS, CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
LISTEN TO ME
I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Anyway, after like 30 seconds Damocles is like “OKAY, OKAY
I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE COUCH ANYMORE
THIS SWORD IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT.”
and Dionysis is like “Ha HA! Just as I thought!
I hope you have learned a valuable lesson!”
and Damocles is like “What?
That life is fragile?
That for the powerful man, there is always danger?
That you shouldn’t ever sit under swords?”
and Dionysis is like “Well that too I guess
but mostly that you don’t get this rich by not being a huge asshole.
I mean it’s not like there’s a sword hanging over MY head.
The analogy is totally shitty.
I just did that to fuck with you.”
Then he probably kills everyone anyway.

The end!

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The Myth of Er

Hey so let me tell you a story that will convince you that my morality is law
it’s about a guy
his name is
er…
I mean Er
that’s what his name is.
We are Greek and that is a totally normal name to have.

Okay so Er dies.

No, assholes, that’s not the end.
Er dies and then he has this wild out of body experience
where he wakes up in a field surrounded by cosmic sphincters.
What I mean is
there is a hole in the sky and a hole in the ground
and dudes are coming out of these holes
and they are all high-fiving each other and pitching tents and passing 40s
like “Aw shit dogg I have not seen you in AGES
LITERAL AGES”
because see, these dudes have all been wandering through the afterlife
(that’s what this place is)
for the past THOUSAND YEARS
and they come back here after all that wandering
to get reborn.

Meanwhile new dudes are dying all the time
and showing up here
and getting sentenced by this wise dude on a podium
and then based on the sentencing
they either go through the hole in the ground or the hole in the sky
and walk through either hell or heaven
for ANOTHER THOUSAND YEARS
and during those thousand years
everything they did while they were alive gets done to them
TEN TIMES
(once every hundred years)
so if you stabbed a dude in the face
you get stabbed ten times
and if you gave a dude a blowjob
you get a blowjob ten times
but it’s only once per hundred years
so you’d better have given a lot more than one blowjob
I’ve got a dick you can use if you’re concerned.

Anyway, after the dudes finish their thousand year journeys
and chill out in this meadow for a week
they have to get up and go get reborn.
So Er walks with these dudes through the vault of heaven
which is just a big one of those solar system models you get at planetariums and shit
except each planet is getting straddled by a hot broad yodeling the same note forever
and the whole thing is on the lap of a giant babe named Necessity
and she has three daughters
but none of them are named Invention
and they are all sitting around on thrones
rapping about time.

But who are we to question the weird fetishes of the gods?
What’s important is that this is the room where dudes get reborn.
A guy comes out on stage and he’s like “Yo what up bitches I’m an oracle
I am here to guide you through your rebirth experience.
Line up and take a number
and I’ll drop all these possible lives in this big bucket
and you can come up one at a time and pick whichever one you want
BUT BEWARE
some of these lives are friggin’ sweet
but at least as many of them are tragically shitty
you might even get reincarnated as actual shit
we are not limiting it to human beings up in this afterlife
you can suffer through the next epoch as a mutant trout if that’s your thing
just don’t blame me for your dumb decision.
Alright, have fun.”

Dude is not kidding
There are all KINDS of lives in this lifebucket
there are lives full ruckus, riches, and rock concerts
there are lives full of sorrow and bees
and you would think everybody would spend some serious time choosing their life
but some dudes have been spoiled by too much awesome in their previous lives
like maybe they were a unicorn or a hercules or something
and those dudes just don’t know how to not make bad decisions
it’s not a skill they’ve developed.

EXAMPLE:
the very first dude comes up and picks a life where he gets to be dictator for life
but he should have read the EULA because it turns out he also has to eat his own kids
and he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK
WHY WOULD YOU PUT THIS ONE IN HERE?”
And the oracle is like “Sorry bro, no refunds”
so everyone else is a lot more careful after that.

And just like at an orgy or a Burger King
everybody’s gotta have it their way
some people want a life of hookers and cocaine
and some people want a life of slavery and nut-kicks
and in the end it doesn’t really matter what you choose
because the object of the game is to be virtuous as fuck no matter what
so you can get your dick sucked in heaven for a thousand years
although I still feel sorry for that first guy
because I can’t think of many ways to virtuously eat your kids
I guess you just gotta make sure to suck off as many people as possible
no matter what life you end up leading
which, again
I am happy to help with.

Anyway the line starts moving pretty fast
dudes are turning into carpenters and cows
and birds are turning into people.
WAIT
THERE ARE BIRDS HERE?
AND NOT JUST BIRDS
GHOST BIRDS
holy fuck-parade
the afterlife officially just became the number one worst place
and you’re telling me they can be people?
You’re telling me any of my friends might actually be birds?
Fuck, *I* might be a bird
Ah jeeze I think I’m gonna puke
let’s talk about something else.

Oh, there’s a lot of famous dudes in there getting reborn
like Odysseus and Ajax and Agamemnon and whatever
but don’t worry
pretty much all of them choose to be animals
because they are literally sick to death of people
Ajax decides to be awesome and turn into a fucking LION
but Odysseus, as usual, just HAS to be different.
He chooses to be a simple dude with an ordinary job
because he’s curious if he can find a way to fuck even THAT up.

After all the dudes have picked their lives
they go to the three chicks, who sew their new lives to their chests for them
and then everybody goes through a trapdoor under the model solar system
into a big shitty desert called the Plain of Forgetfulness
which has nothing in it except the fabled Rohypnol River
from which everybody is forced to drink until they forget their other lives
except for Er
(who really hasn’t done much in this story, even though it’s about him)
because someone’s gotta survive to tell everybody about this shit
I mean, that’s why he died in the first place
not like there’s a pretty much infinite supply of dead people to use for that purpose
they had to kill someone specifically to let them in on this.
So after all that walking and nonsense
Er wakes up just in time to keep from getting burned alive
because we are Greek and regular funerals are for weenies.

So yeah, the moral of the story is
… actually, this might take some explaining.
Hey Philosophy Bro? I’m tagging you in.

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I am not Spartacus

Yes there is one volume left in the Satyricon
but it’s fucking storming outside
and i don’t want lightning to interrupt my video
also I haven’t written one of these for a while
and I’m getting nostalgic for hitting enter a lot
Plus
PLUS
some artisan lightningmaster with an email account got ahold of me
and told me about this dude named Spartacus
and Spartacus is the type of dude who is SO INFINITELY RAD
that as soon as you hear about him
you have to drop everything and start writing a fucking myth

okay so Spartacus
he is so rad that he almost makes slavery worth it
ALMOST
but close only counts in horseshoes
and slavery is still really fucking terrible.
This is an opinion that Spartacus and I share!
which is why one day
after he’s been sold to a guy who just makes his slaves fight to the death
he gets a bunch of other slaves together and he’s like
“Guys
hey guys:
fuck this.”
and they’re all like “yeah ok”
and they steal a bunch of knives and bust out.

also part of the bust-out-of-prison party is Spartacus’s wife
nobody knows her name because history hates women
but we do know that she was hella schizophrenic
to the point where one day Spartacus wakes up with a snake around his head
and he’s like “AHH SHIT SNAKE ON MY HEAD”
and his wife is like “IT’S A SIGN YOU WILL BE CRUSHED BY A LARGER POWER”
which, first of all, duh
second of all
THERE’S A SNAKE ON HIS HEAD, FUCKING DO SOMETHING
but i guess love is a mystery

So spartacus and about 70 other dudes are roaming the countryside
using their shitty weapons to rob caravans and get better weapons
and they finally end up taking refuge on the lush slopes of Mt. Vesuvius
because yup
Spartacus is so metal that his idea of refuge is to camp on an ACTIVE FUCKING VOLCANO

Everyone is pretty impressed with how metal Spartacus is
so dudes (especially slave dudes) start flocking to their suicidally stupid camp
until there is a pretty big army there
and Rome is like “Oh fuck we better stop this”
except the thing about Rome
is that it is fighting wars basically EVERYWHERE at ALL TIMES
and so does not have a lot of resources to devote to fighting spunky slaves on a volcano
so they just send a couple dudes out to recruit any random dudes they can find
to go stand around the bottom of Vesuvius and starve Spartacus out

but dudes like Spartacus do not die of starvation
they mostly die of rocking too hard
or Fatal Red Meat Overdose
or jumping out of a helicopter to punch a pterodactyl and then riding its corpse into a volcano
so he’s not about to let the Romans starve him before he finds a helicopter and a pterodactyl
fuck no
instead he and his men grab a bunch of vines
make them into ropes
rappel down the steepest part of the mountain
and circle around behind the roman militia
effectively tarzanning their way up the romans’ asses.
So that goes pretty well for Spartacus
and everybody in a nine mile radius decides to join his army
basically as an excuse to stand next to him and hope some of his chest hair rubs off on them

Next time, the Romans decide to try a little harder
and actually manage to kill one of Spartacus’s commanders
and trap him in a valley between two pretty big armies
but they didn’t count on the fact that Spartacus is a fucking wizard
who can apparently produce horses out of nowhere
so he just straight tramples the army in front of him
steals all their stuff
and throws it at the other army, killing EVERYONE
and then he’s at the alps, ready to cross into Thrace and escape Rome for good!

But Spartacus is like “Fuck that
mountains are steep, and murder is awesome
let’s go back and murder more dudes until we get murdered instead”
actually nobody knows what he said at this point
because turning around and going back into the country that wants you dead
is a pretty inexplicable move
but i promise you this, at least:
it was not anything smart

so now Rome is really shitting itself
Spartacus has like 40,000 dudes
and he does not seem to be a reasonable man
so they swallow their pride and their morals
and they bust out Marcus Licinius Crassus

Crassus is what historians like to call a “completely shitty person”
He’s a rich nobleman
whose wealth is based on buying houses in neighborhoods that are on fire
as in CURRENTLY ON FIRE
as in he goes up to dudes who are fleeing their burning houses
and is like “Hey i’ll give you twenty bucks for that house”
and then he uses that money to hire armies wherever he goes
(which is sort of why Rome wants him
their armies all being tied up with their million other wars)
but the dudes he hires have no idea wtf they’re getting into
because Crassus is a fan of a disciplinary technique known as decimation
which is basically like a big game of duck duck goose
but with a club

Crassus fucking loves slavery
so he is dead set on making Spartacus dead
he chases Spartacus around for months
until finally Spartacus is just like fuck this
might as well die with my dick out

so he turns to face Crassus
gets off his horse
and fucking kills it
he’s like “If I win, I will get a ton more horses
if I lose, then that’s one less horse for everyone else
because fuck everyone else
let’s do murders.”
(Spartacus may or may not have been history’s greatest orator)

Predictably, Spartacus loses and dies
although nobody knows how exactly
because he was wearing pretty much the same armor as everyone else
and remember, HE KILLED HIS FUCKING HORSE
so probably he was either dumped in a big pit with the rest of his idiots
or else crucified on a big wooden plus sign with the rest of his idiots
either way
on the metal scale
at least a 6/10

so the moral of the story
is that if you’re leading a slave uprising
and you find yourself near an active volcano
don’t give up that prime position
if you go anywhere else
your death can only get less rad

the end

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The Satyricon is a Blitzkrieg of Boobs

Oh man, I totally needed those days off
I feel way better now
in fact, I feel awesome
yesterday I shaved my nut-hair for the first time ever
which actually was a harrowing experience
and I don’t recommend it to anyone
especially if you have nuts
but whatever, it’s almost summer
the birds are chirping
the flowers are secreting poison for my sinuses
and love is in the fucking air
here is a video about none of that:

As always, thanks for investing some of your precious time in my exuberant, hairless chest

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