The Bible Took Out All the Coolest Shit About Solomon

Okay so this is the time of the month
where I tell a myth from a mythos recommended by my patreon backers
and this month I’m supposed to tell a story about like
Solomon or David or Saul
from the book of Samuel or the book of kings
or really anything judeochristian
but I started thinking
why are we always talking about “judeochristian” shit
and leaving out muslim shit?
like, isn’t muslim shit part of the same tradition?
isn’t the Qur’an the third book in the Monotheism Trilogy?
seriously, why aren’t we talking about “judeochristimuslim” mythology?
is it because that’s a super awkward portmanteu
or is this some more white people shit?
it’s definitely NOT because the Qur’an is boring
do you realize
there are fucking GENIES in the Qur’an???
SPOILER ALERT:
THERE ARE FUCKING GENIES IN THE QUR’AN
AND talking animals
AND all your favorite characters from the first two books
like David and Solomon
ESPECIALLY Solomon.

Now I know there are a lot of Solomon fans out there
so I’m bracing myself for a torrent of hatemail when I say:
Old Testament Solomon is kind of a boring chump.
Like, he threatens to chop ONE baby in half
and granted that’s pretty cool
but Old Testament god is routinely murdering HUNDREDS of babies at a go
he turns an entire city of people to slag for being gays
the bar for weird violence is pretty high is what I’m saying.
Other than that baby thing, Solomon is pretty skippable
he builds a temple
he has an army
the queen of sheba seems to think he’s pretty cool
but we don’t even get to see them bone
SNORE

MEANWHILE, over in the Qur’an
Solomon is a fucking boss
he can control the wind
he can talk to animals
he’s got genies on the fucking payroll
because oh yeah did I mention
THERE ARE FUCKING GENIES IN THE QUR’AN YOU GUYS
and all of this is because
(as the Old Testament will confirm)
when Solomon became king
God came up to him and was like “yo
I was friends with your dad
So I will give you any superpower you want
what superpower you want”
and Solomon is like “How about SUPER-WISDOM
so that I can always be a JUST AND RIGHTEOUS KING”
and God is like “WHAT A DOPE ANSWER
SO SELFLESS
SUCH KIND
HERE, HAVE ALL THESE OTHER SUPERPOWERS AS A BONUS”

And Solomon is truly very wise
even before he gets god-wisdom
like one time, Solomon and his dad are hanging out
and these two dudes come up to them
and one of them is like “That dude’s goats ate my vineyard
make him fix it”
and the other dude is like “nuh uh”
and Solomon’s first instinct is to chop the goats in half
but he thinks about it for a second
and then he’s like “okay check it out
vineyard dude, you own the goats now
and goat dude, you own the vineyard now
this will continue until the vineyard is fixed
now would someone please hurry up and invent the microphone
because I need to drop it.”
and everyone is like OH SHIT SUCH JUSTICE

And he is a genuinely nice dude too
like you know how he can understand animals?
well one time he’s about to step on some ants
and the ants are like “OH FUCK IT’S KING SOLOMON’S FOOT
FUCKING BOOK IT”
and Solomon hears them and he’s like “Oh damn
better watch were I step”
and then he walks carefully for the REST OF HIS LIFE
JUST SO HE WON’T FUCK UP ANY ANTS

Oh yeah and then later he dies
but he dies standing up, in front of all his genies and shit
and he is so full of fucking gravitas
he just stays standing
and everybody thinks he is just taking a really long dramatic pause
until god sends a termite to eat his staff
and he falls down
and everyone learns a valuable lesson about stroke awareness.

So the moral of the story
is why don’t they sell embossed boxed sets
of the Torah/New Testament/Qur’an
I would buy the hell out of that

the end

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Happy Massacre Day

What up dweebs
I hope your yesterday was good
and contained exactly the right amount of genital contact
based on your personal preferences
and also I hope you touched a butt
BUT ENOUGH SMALL TALK
it has come to my attention
that many of you don’t even know what yesterday was ABOUT
and NOT just because you all have drinking problems
so let me tell you what Valentine’s day is all about my friends
it is all about murder

Right so we’re in Ancient Rome
I know it doesn’t look like it
I know it looks like your computer
but stop fucking questioning every step of this process
i am trying to tell you a story and you are being very rude
anyway there’s this emperor named Claudius
and he’s got an army
but the army is like 85% weenies by volume
and he is trying to get them hyped to go die for him
so he’s like “hmm
what do some of the angriest shittiest dudes I know have in common?
A complete disregard for others …
possible glandular problems …
Segways, but I can’t afford to buy enough of those
OH I KNOW
THEY’RE ALL SINGLE
Okay from now on soldiers aren’t allowed to get married.
WAR:
SOLVED.”

It seems like this rule would make dudes just quit the army
thus ending war forever
but it is doubtful that Claudius had a noble endgame here
also military service was pretty mandatory
so instead of a bunch of blissed-out ex-soldiers getting their dicks touched
you have a bunch of pissed off soldiers glumly touching their own dicks
AND THAT’S WHERE SAINT VALENTINE COMES IN

Okay yeah I know what that sounds like
and no, Saint Val didn’t touch anybody’s dick
they used to disqualify you from sainthood for shit like that
I don’t know why
I for one would love a couple openly gay saints up in the pantheon
No, Valentine sees all these soldiers and their blued-up balls
and he’s like “THIS IS TOTALLY UNCOOL
YOUNG MEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED WHENEVER THEY WANT
ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE THEY GO OFF TO WAR
TO GET KILLED AND LEAVE THEIR TEENAGED BRIDES IN A WORLD OF PAIN
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE”
and it turns out it’s really easy to marry people to each other
so Valentine just does that a lot
becoming the Ancient Roman equivalent
of a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator
for lots of horny teens.

Obviously Claudius finds out about this
because even though the marriages are secret
what the fuck is the point of a secret marriage
so Claudius arrests Saint Valentine and is like “dude
could you stop marrying my soldiers to people all over the place?
also while you’re at it could you stop being Christian?
thaaaaanks”
and Valentine is like “What no”
and Claudius is like “Oh shit okay I guess go die then”

So Valentine’s in jail now
and he’s bored so he starts talking to his jailer
and it turns out the jailer has a daughter who is blind
and Saint Valentine is like “Oh dude that sucks
I’m gonna die soon and I have all these godbuxx saved up
so how about I just use those to cure your daughter’s blindness?”
and the jailer is like “Whoa, thanks dude!
I do not deserve this literally at all!
Anyway it’s morning now and we have to behead you
thanks for everything!”

But the V-man does one last thing before he dies:
he sends that daughter a nice card with some flowers
and he signs it “From Your Valentine”
which is a weirdly romantic thing for a saint to do
but I guess he figured he was about to die
so he might as well put it out there.

Yeah then he died
and everybody more or less forgot about him
until his holy day turned out to be a convenient excuse
to fuck each other’s brains out once a year
or shoot a bunch of rival bootleggers
depending on your profession.

Anyway the moral of the story is pretty obvious:
get a job guarding political prisoners
apparently the fringe benefits are amazing.

The end.

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Jesus is Back, and He’s … Surprisingly Chill About It

So last Friday Jesus died
oh wait I read that wrong
it was like 2000 years ago last Friday
still, it was a big deal
but then an even bigger-deal thing happened on Sunday
when Jesus abruptly stopped being dead.
It was such a big deal that people still have parties about it
let me tell you the story:

Okay so after they kill jesus
the roman soldiers take his body and put it in a cave
and then they put a big rock in front of the cave.
supposedly they do this in order to keep people out
because probably somebody is going to want to steal the body
but all true believers recognize the rock thing for what it is:
the setup for THE ULTIMATE MAGIC TRICK
seriously, how many times have you seen this shit in Vegas
the magician gets in a box or whatever
and then they open the box and …
shit, I don’t wanna drop any spoilers, hold on.

So Mary Magdalene and “some other Mary” show up to jesus’s tomb
(the other Mary being his mom)
to rub herbs on his dead body or some shit
and when they get there
ABRACADABRA
The stone has moved to the side
the guards are FREAKING THE HELL OUT
and Jesus
HAS VANISHED

Some angels are there to act as hype-men for this amazing trick
they’re like “JESUS IS ALIVE
YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD BUT BOY WERE YOU WRONG
PRETTY COOL HUH?”
and Mary Magdalene is like “Bullshit”
and jesus is like “Oh really Mary?
If that’s all bullshit, then how am I RIGHT BEHIND YOU?”
and Mary is like “OH MY GODDDDDDD”
and jesus is like “Hey
no swearing.”

So then the ladies head back home because there’s no body to rub herbs on
and Jesus shows up right in the middle of the road like “TADA”
and all the Maries are like “WHOAAAAAAAAA”
and Jesus is like “Yeah, pretty cool huh?
Hey, I’m gonna head over to Galilee and chill for a while
tell all my disciples to meet me over there.”
And then POOF
HE’S GONE.
EVERYONE IS STILL IMPRESSED.
Jesus is on some Chris Angel shit in this story, like for real
actually Chris Angel’s name is suspiciously biblical
slap a T on the end of that Chris and what do you get?
CONSPIRACY?
NOPE JUST A WEIRD STAGE NAME.

So on the way to Galilee Jesus sees some of his old bros
and they’re talking about his crucifixion
because they don’t have the internet so that is like their ONLY NEWS
and Jesus disguises himself and goes to ask them what’s up
and they’re like “Yeah Jesus died”
and Jesus is like “OR DID HE????
IT’S ME
CHECK IT OUT
I CAME BACK AFTER THREE DAYS LIKE THE PROPHECIES SAID
WATCH ME EAT BREAD TO PROVE I’M NOT A GHOST.”
Then he does basically the same thing to some of his other dudes
except they’re all fishing
(because they’re sad about him dying but they still have jobs and shit)
and he makes like WAY TOO MANY FISH appear in their nets
and then makes even more fish appear for them all to eat
and he lets them touch his body.
It seems like eating things and letting people touch his body
are like the two main things Jesus does to sell his awesome trick
it’s like when a magician shows you there’s nothing up his sleeve
or passes a hoop around himself to show there’s no wires
or pokes tiny holes in a condom so he can be your dad
maybe that’s just my personal experience with magicians
maybe I have a personal vendetta against magicians
I’m not ruling anything out

Anyway eventually jesus gets around to showing up in front of his 12 11 apostles
like “what up guys
I’m alive
wanna … eat some fish and bread with me?
You can touch me if you want.
Whatever, I’ve been doing this for a while, it’s kinda lost its luster”
and everyone is like “WHOOOAAAA COOOOOL”
except for this one dude, Thomas
who missed the invite and wasn’t there
so when all his bros tell him about Jesus being there
he thinks they’re pranking him
and Thomas HATES to get pranked
so he’s like “I won’t believe it unless Jesus shows up here right now
and lets me waggle my fingers around in all his wounds
to prove that he’s not just one of you assholes dressed up like jesus
and also I’m a little weird and I like to touch wounds okay?”
and Jesus shows up like “bam, I’m here
you wanna touch me, fine
touch all over my wounds
you wanna eat some bread with me?
I’m pretty full but I’ll do it I guess.”
and Thomas is like “HOLY SHIT YOU’RE REAL”
and Jesus is like “Okay first of all
no swearing
second of all yeah
I’m real
good job putting that together.
It would have been way cooler if you’d just believed, though
like everyone else is gonna have to from now on.
Anyway, I’m out
Jesus was here
tell your friends.”
and then he goes up to heaven to chill until the end times
or, according to later traditions
morphs into a rabbit and a bunch of colored eggs.
Believe whichever version you want
but only one gets you a basket full of candy.

The moral of the story
is that some people will go through a lot of trouble
just to freak out their friends
/usher in a philosophy of peace and forgiveness.

Whatever, happy easter.

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God is Good, But Not THAT Good

Here’s a story I found inside another story
written by a dude named T.H. White
(this is not the first time I have stolen a myth
from inside someone else’s book
in fact, it’s probably the reason you know about me.)
Anyway, this story is about how God is a capricious asshole
oh wait
THAT’S EVERY STORY.

Anyway in this story there are two dudes
one of them is a prophet named Elijah
and the other one is a Rabbi named Jachanan.
For some reason they are hitch-hiking across the middle east together
presumably because holy dudes have a lot of free time
and talking about god
is a great way to get people to let you crash on their couches.
So they show up at this poor dude’s house
and I mean this dude is seriously poor
he doesn’t have netflix or anything
just one cow, a wife, and a debilitating case of acute generosity.

Like for real
when this godly duo rolls up on casa de poverty
the poor guy runs out like “HOLY SHIT, VISITORS
HERE, DRINK ALL MY MILK
EAT ALL MY BUTTER
FUCK MY WIFE, I DON’T CARE.”
and Elijah is like “Wow man, thanks.”
Then in the morning, the dude’s cow dies.
Bummer.

There’s no reason to stay at a cowless house
especially if it doesn’t have netflix
so Elijah and Jachanan leave and keep on hitchin’
until they end up at this super rich dude’s house
and they’re like “Aww yeah
time to roll up on this dude’s posh-ass doorstep
hand him some leaflets
and spend the knight drinking caviar champagne in a jacuzzi made of blowjobs
dude I LOVE being religious.”
but the rich asshole who owns the house is like “RELIGION?
BAH HUMBUG.
YOU GUYS CAN SLEEP WITH MY HORSES”
and let me tell you
this dude’s horses do not sleep in a jacuzzi full of blowjobs
they sleep in a stable
and the stable
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE NETFLIX.
It’s the worst.

So in the morning, Elijah goes to the rich dude
and he’s like “Hey man,
thanks so much for sticking us in your shitty horse house
you know what?
I’m gonna do you a solid.
I’m going to hire a mason
at my own expense
to repair that crack in your wall over there.”
and the rich man is like “HELL YEAH, SCORE.”
And then they leave.

But Rabbi Jachanan is like “What the fuck, Elijah?
I’m tired and sore
I smell like horse shit
and I am WAY behind on all my shows
largely thanks to that asshole
and you are paying for his fucking home decorating?
Dude, what gives?
Why does this guy get a new wall
while the poor dude has to bury his cow?”
and Elijah is like “Shhhhhhh”
and he does that think where he presses one finger to Jachanan’s lips
and sorta smushes them in a gross way
long after the rabbi has stopped trying to talk
he just keeps rubbing his finger on those lips
like they are the world’s tiniest fleshiest violin
and his finger is the bow.
but then finally he’s like “Listen
That poor dude from before?
His wife was scheduled to die that night
but God was so grateful for his hospitality
he killed the dude’s cow instead.
And that rich dude’s wall
has a fucking treasure chest hidden inside it
if he fixed the wall himself, he’d find it.
He doesn’t deserve that treasure
so boom, I fixed the wall.”
And the rabbi is like “Okay
I mean, that’s a little better
but couldn’t god have just not killed the cow OR the wife?
why did one of them have to die?
Couldn’t he just kill the rich dude instead?
Couldn’t he kill the rich dude and then teleport the treasure out of his house
and into the poor guy’s house?
Is it possible
that God
is just really fucking lazy?”
and Elijah is like “Dude, not so loud!
The big man is a fucking psychopath
did you hear about what He did to Job?
don’t let Him hear you saying that shit!”
and Jachanan is like “Oh, ok, I get it.
I mean HAHA, GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AM I RIGHT”

So the moral of the story
is if somebody doesn’t let you crash at their sweet pad
just bust up all their walls with a hammer
even if you don’t find treasure
you will have fucked up their walls and that’s fun.

The end.

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The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is TOO HOT FOR THE BIBLE

So first off, quick announcement:
A collection of rad and well-monied individuals
have purchased enough of my book
to convince me to do a SHIRTLESS MYTH VIDEO for yall
so that will begin on Wednesday
and it will be the Oresteia
If you want to queue up another video myth after this one
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
(or if you don’t, click that link)

Anyway I’ve got a special treat for you today
it is called the Infancy Gospel of Thomas
and uh
it didn’t quite make it into the bible
now that I’ve read it, it’s easy to see why
it is because in this book
jesus comes off looking like King Asshole of the Fightin’ Assholes
lemme break it down for you:

So to start with, Jesus if 5 years old
5-year-old boys are automatically terrible people to begin with
they like to play this game called Punch Everyone
where no one wins and the rules are “Punch Everyone”
so now imagine you take a 5-year-old boy
and give him SUPERPOWERS
I have two words for you, my friends:
FUCK.

So one day Jesus is playing by the river with some pals
and he decides to SUBORN THE ENTIRE RIVER TO HIS WILL
he shapes it into like a weird sphere of pure water
which he uses to turn dirt into clay
and then he turns the clay into birds.
Oh, wow
this is actually pretty whimsical and cool
and not as bad as I made it sound at all

except that today is the sabbath
and you’re definitely not allowed to shape rivers with your mind on the Sabbath
God has already laid down all manner of crazy rules about that shit
so some of the kids go tell Joseph
(who is Jesus’s dad)
about what Jesus is doing
and Joseph runs down to the river like BOY
STOP USING MAGIC ON THE SABBATH DAY
GOD IS GONNA BE SUPER PISSED
and Jesus is like “fuck you you’re not my real dad”
and then the clay birds turn into real birds and fly away
and Joseph is like

This raises an interesting point
which is what a long-suffering sonofabitch Joseph is
he knows for a FACT that this kid is not his son
so either his wife cheated on him with superman
or his wife cheated on him with God
and either way he’s not no responsibility here
but he still sticks around
and assumes primary responsibility
for a five-year-old sociopath with superpowers
because, see, here’s what happens next:
some kid takes a stick and fucks up jesus’s water sphere
and jesus is like GET FUCKED
and the kid withers up and dies on the spot
and then pretty soon after that
Jesus is walking through town
and some kid bumps into his shoulder
and BAM
ANOTHER DEAD KID
GOD
HEY GOD, BUDDY
YOU DON’T GIVE POWER-WORD-KILL TO SOMEONE WITH NO CONCEPT OF RIGHT AND WRONG
I THOUGHT WE ALL KNEW THIS

so the kids’ parents are understandably pissed
and they go to Joseph like dude
you need to get your son to stop killing all our sons
and Joseph is like I KNOW

so Joseph goes to Jesus like Hey little buddy
you need to stop murdering children for no good reason
and Jesus is like okay
the children are all back alive now
but the people who told you to talk to me about killing children?
THEY’RE ALL BLIND NOW
SHABOOM

So then Joseph figures
that if his kid is old enough to strike people blind
he’s probably old enough to learn to read and write
so he sends him to school
but Jesus is just the biggest know-it-all in the class
and talks circles around the teacher
so much so that the teacher doesn’t even get past the letter “A”
before being like AUGH FUCK THIS
YOU KNOW WHAT DUDE?
YOU’RE JUST WAYYYY SMARTER THAN ME, OK?
I CAN’T FUCKING TEACH YOU SHIT
YOU WIN.

And Jesus thinks this is a pretty response i guess
because he un-blinds everybody he blinded

I’m gonna kind of skim over what happens next
because it all kind of amounts to the same thing
lotta people getting injured, and Jesus healing them without any problems
I guess because he’s starting to grow a conscience about all the kids he murdered.
I think my favorite one is the time where he’s playing on the roof
with a bunch of other kids
and one falls off and dies
because a roof is a dumb thing to play on
and the parents show up and are like JESUS
YOU MURDERED OUR KID, DIDN’T YOU
and Jesus is like nuh uh
and the parents are like JESUS
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?
YOU ARE LIKE THAT
BUT WITH MURDER INSTEAD OF CRYING
AND CHILDREN INSTEAD OF WOLVES
And jesus is like okay I know how to settle this
hey dead dude:
did I murder you?
and the dead kid is like NOPE. I DIED OF BEING A DUMB-ASS KID.
I think the best part of this story
is it’s not explicitly stated that jesus brings the kid back to life
so I like to think he just talked to him and let him stay dead
like a jerk

So anyway
after a lot of healing wounds and suchlike
Jesus finally goes back to school
but he doesn’t go to learn
he goes to TEACH.
Before anyone can start talking about grammar or the alphabet or whatever
this six-year-old kid walks up to the front
and there’s a book there
but he’s just like fuck that
and starts saying whatever’s on his mind
and everybody’s like OH MY GOD SO WISE
so that’s when everybody gives up on trying to teach him

There’s other stuff that happens too
but by this point Jesus has stopped murdering kids
and he’s generally just sort of being a disaffected tween
who doesn’t tell his parents where he’s going
or when he’s gonna be home
and then they find him in a church or something
teaching priests and doctors about religion
and Mary’s like Jesus!
we were worried sick about you!
and Jesus is like whatever mom
I am actually objectively holier-than-thou
you don’t own me
and everyone is like YEP
IT’S TRUE
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT
BECAUSE IF WE TRY THEN HE WILL STRIKE US BLIND

So that’s the infancy gospel of thomas
it’s sort of a clusterfuck
but the moral is clear:
if you’re good enough at murdering people
you don’t ever need to learn how to read

THE END.

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Joseph Smith is like John Smith but with a slightly less generic name

Hey guys I’m back
I just saw a really popular musical
see if you can guess which one

Okay so it’s 600 BC
there’s some jews hanging out in jerusalem
cause where else are they gonna hang out, right?
oh wait
how about AMERICA?
yeah see cause this prophet Lehi has a vision
where god is like DUDES
I MADE THIS GREAT PLACE CALLED AMERICA
IT’S JUST SITTING OVER THERE BETWEEN THE PACIFIC AND THE ATLANTIC
SERIOUSLY GUYS WHY ARE YOU NOT THERE YET
IT IS BUMMING ME OUT
I MEAN I MADE IT A LONG-ASS TIME AGO
AND IT’S JUST LANGUISHING OUT THERE
WOEFULLY UN-JEWED

so Lehi gets onto a boat with some bros and heads for america
because everyone has always known
that america is the place to be

but when they get to america, they notice a problem
it is the same problem that european colonists will notice
when they show up about 2 thousand years later
it is this:
America has abundant food and water
the deers and the antelopes are cavorting like hell
amber waves of grain all up ins
they’ve even got purple mountains
and where the fuck do you even find those, outside an acid trip?
AMERICA, THAT’S WHERE
but there is one thing that America seems to lack:
BRUTAL WARS
so the colonists are like shit
we better get on this

so they waste no time
they split up into two rival factions
the Nephites and the Lamanites
I think the Nephites are the good guys but I am too lazy to check
it seems to me like they’re all pretty sucky though
cause how are you gonna try and fight a war
after you already traveled like a million thousand miles together
that’s like if I wanted to punch you in the face
and i was like hey man
let’s fly to Singapore
and then when we got off the plane in singapore
I punched you in the fucking face
…okay you know what that would actually be hilarious

anyway they fight and fight
dudes die, it’s awesome
but this whole time the Nephites have been writing this shit down
in a book with golden pages
i dunno how they found the time to get all that gold
seems like they’re pretty busy fighting
but anyway they’re writing and fighting
fighting and writing
in a language that no one else in the history of anything has ever heard of
called “reformed Egyptian”
which
from what I can tell
is made up mostly of sideways boobs, exclamation points, and different versions of the letter T

but then all of a sudden
JESUS APPEARS
cause he just got killed
and he is taking a vacation in america
when he sees all these dudes fighting and he is like WHOAH
WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH
NO FIGHTING
and then he has to explain everything to them that he already explained to the other jews
just to get them up to date
and I guess maybe he makes up some other stuff about how you should have a ton of wives
and some other stuff he forgot to say the first time

but all good things must come to an end
Jesus goes to heaven
and everybody else dies
but not before making sure to bury their golden book under a hill in upstate new york
you know, for posterity

CUT TO 1832
some dude named Joe Smith is hanging out in his house in upstate new york
when all of a sudden God is like JOE
JOE!!!
THERE’S SOME GOLD PLATES IN THAT HILL OVER THERE
I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO GO DIG THEM UP SUDDENLY
GOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOOOOOE

so joe goes over to the hill and this angel appears like WHAT UP
I AM THE ANGEL MORONI
(Moroni is one of the guys who wrote the book with the gold plates
and also the last name of an italian mob boss played by Carl Weintraub on days of our lives
The Face of An Angel
COINCIDENCE?)
so Joe is pretty impressed
but then the Angel is like LISTEN UP KID
I GOT THESE PLATES FOR YOUSE
BUT YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ JACK SHIT TIL YOU SPEND FOUR YEARS COMING BACK HERE AND TAKING CLASSES WITH ME
CAPICE?
and that is exactly what happens

so Joseph finally digs up these golden plates
but like I said they’re in “Reformed Egyptian”
so it’s not like he can read it, right?
WRONG
clearly you have not heard of SEER STONES, my friends

here is how seer stones work:
step 1: take a rock
step 2: put the rock in a hat
step 3: put your face in the hat
step 4: TRANSLATION COMPLETE

I am not exaggerating
for several months Joseph Smith sits in his room
with his face inside a white stovepipe hat
shouting words at his scribe/investor Michael Harris
yes of course Joseph Smith needs investors
not like he could just sell pages from that golden book he found
that would be SACRILEGE

so this goes on for a couple months
with only one false start
which only happens because Michael Harris’s wife
(A confirmed FEMALE)
becomes suspicious of the fact that no one except Joe has seen the gold book
which he apparently doesn’t need to have in the house with him in order to translate
and which is written in a fake language
and is made out of gold and claims that ancient jews built boats and sailed to America
and so she has the audacity to ask to see the translation
and finally does
and then STEALS it
which makes Joe SO MAD
that he decides not to re-translate the part that she stole
and instead write a whole other part in 2 months
and then he has to get his buddy Harris to take out some more loans to get the book printed
but that doesn’t go so well
and Harris loses his house and his wife
which is okay because his wife pretty much sucked anyway

ANYWAY
people are somewhat reluctant to believe in a book
that was written by staring into a hat full of rocks for two months
but a lot of people are willing to make an exception
because it’s the true word of god/they are really bored
at which point the angel Moroni shows up in front of Joe again and is like YO KIDDO
I SEE YOU GOT A NICE THING GOING IN NEW YORK AND ALL
BUT THE TROUBLE WITH NEW YORK IS
IT IS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH LIKE ANCIENT JERUSALEM
BY WHICH I MEAN
DRY AS A BULLFROG’S COOTER AND WAYYY UNPOPULATED
ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU TO SALT LAKE CITY
except he’s way more cagey than that
and actually joseph dies on the way
and his buddy Bringham Young
who has a name like an evangelical pedophile
has to take over and lead them through the desert until everyone gets sick of wandering around
and is just like fuck it
this is where we live now
let’s wear white button down shirts and part our hair on the side
AND THAT’S WHERE MORMONS COME FROM

so the moral of the story is
give a man a fish
and he’ll eat for a day
give a man a hat full of rocks
and he’ll move to a place where there are no fish

THE END

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Mary Magdalene is the Sexiest Apostle

first off I wanna thank yall
for helping to make one of the most level-headed comment threads
ever to discuss sexism and cultural appropriation on the internet

good on ya

second of all i wanna thank yall
for making my book
ZEUS GRANTS STUPID WISHES
number twenty-two on Amazon’s Folklore and Mythology bestseller list
i would consider it a personal favor
if you guys could keep buying it
until it outranks at least one joseph campbell book

THIRD OF ALL
IT IS SAINT PATRICK’S DAY
AND I HAVE BRIEFLY EMERGED
FROM BENEATH A ROILING SEA OF GREENISH INTOXICANTS
TO TELL TO YOU A MYTH FOR YOU

so last year around this time I told y’all about saint patrick
and it would be pretty lame for me to try and tell the same myth twice
but it’s still saint patrick’s day
and i’m still irish
so I’m going to tell you about a different saint
MARY MOTHER O’ JESUS
wait shit wrong mary
I meant MARY MAGDELENE

so mary starts out life with all the hookups
her dad is basically like maximum rich
and when he dies she gets a whole sweet castle to herself
and her brother Lazarus gets like a good chunk of jerusalem
and her sister Martha gets some other shit
plus
Mary is married to this dude John the Evangelist
except when she marries him he is not an evangelist
she has better taste than that
but then this dude named Jesus comes along and he’s like hey john
ditch your wife and come hang with me
you’ll get to be a saint it will be RADDDDDDD

so John ditches Mary
and Mary is like ok then
it’s motherfuckin’ booze time

yes
for several years following her abrupt nonconsensual divorce
“Mary gave herself to all delights of the body”
which means that for several years
Castle Magdelene was basically the castle from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
except instead of blasting off into space after everyone gets shot with rayguns
it just stays RIGHT THE FUCK ON EARTH
and the party NEVER STOPS
and the whole time
mary’s sister Martha is being a good sister and managing her finances for her
so basically Mary’s life is 100% the ultimate best life

except I guess Mary doesn’t think so
cause she sells all her shit
and goes over to Jesus like hey bro
i have been getting fucked from all of the best possible angles for like 5 years
ever since you took away my lameass husband
but you know what sounds good right about now?
a life of chaste poverty
here
let me prove it to you by crying all over your feet

so she cries all over Jesus’s feet
she motorboats those feat with her tears
then she dries off the feet with her hair
then she feels kind of bad for just having like cried all over a dude’s feet
and then rubbing her hair all over those very same feet
so she tries to salvage the situation by rubbing some scented oils on that shit

and everyone is like what the fuck is going on
why is this slut getting all handsy with the feet of our god
but jesus is like guys
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
can’t you see that this chick is totally smokin’
I spend all day every day hanging out with TWELVE DUDES
while we discuss religion and shit
Apostles I Beseech Thee
Do Not Block Thy Savior’s Cock

cause here’s the thing about jesus
i don’t know if you’ve noticed
but I don’t think jesus was as down on sexytimes as people say
let’s look at facts
FACT: Jesus is a dude who will beat the shit out of you with ropes
if you try and loan some money inside a temple
but will stop a crowd of dudes from throwing rocks at a prostitute
this is because jesus understands
that people have groins as well as souls
and sometimes they need to rub those groins on other groins and that’s okay
THAT MY FRIENDS IS THE REAL GOOD NEWS

so Mary and Jesus bone
like a lot
ahem I’m sorry I mean Jesus ” mbraced her all in his love,
and made her right familiar with him.”
the sex thing is not explicity in the Golden Legend
but it’s totally in the Da Vinci code which is just as good.

anyway they hang out like all the time
and he brings her bro Lazarus back from the dead
(cause oh yeah that dude died)
and she’s the first person Jesus visits when HE comes back from the dead
and then she gets on a boat with some other holy dudes
almost all of whom have names that start with M
and they go to FRANCE

but here’s the problem with france
and it is a problem I have personal experience with:
people can be dicks in france
in fact no one in Marseilles will give this band of prophets a place to sleep
so they end up squatting under a porch that is attached to a temple

this turns out pretty well for them though
cause then when pagans come to worship at the temple
they can jump out from under the porch like SURPRISE GOSPELS
and they convert everyone and it’s awesome
and then this prince is sacrificing to all type of idols
to make his wife get preggo
and Mary busts into the wife’s room in the middle of the night
like BITCH DON’T BE PRAYIN TO NO PAGANS
and the wife tells the prince about that shit
and the prince is like okay fine well then make God impregnate my wife
and SHE DOES
(or maybe she just teaches them how to have sex the right way
she is after all a lady who knows how to sex)
and the prince and the princess are like oh shit
maybe there is something to this christianity business after all
but JUST TO MAKE SURE
let’s go on a long and dangerous boat ride to go hit up Saint Peter

so they get on a boat
and there’s a big storm and the wife dies during childbirth
and it’s only dudes on the ship and none of them have boobs
so they’re like what the fuck this baby is totally gonna starve
and the boat guys are gonna throw the wife overboard
but then they see an island with a mountain
and they’re like okay I guess we can just ditch her up on top of that mountain
along with the baby that’s gonna starve
so they do that and they go see saint peter
and nothing happens there because WHY DID THEY GO SEE SAINT PETER

so on the way back
TWO YEARS LATER
everyone’s pretty bummed
and they decide to stop over at corpse island
and holy shit there’s a kid there
running around on the beach totally not starved
and when he sees all the dudes he freaks out
and goes up on top of the mountain
and starts sucking dead mom tit
okay I’m no pediatrician
but i don’t think two-year-olds are supposed to breastfeed?
and even if they are I don’t think they should do it FROM CORPSES?!
but then the prince is like Hey Mary Magdelene
i like how you made my son not die
could you also do that with my wife?
and Mary is like yeah sure
and then the wife comes back to life
and everyone is christian as fuck forever
because that’s a pretty heavy experience to go through as a family

so after that Mary feels pretty good about her accomplishments
and decides to go starve her ass off in the desert
i don’t know why the fuck christianity is all about this starving your ass off business
when Buddha decides to attain enlightenment he gets to do it under a nice tree
next to a nice river
beset by the nice nice thousand armies of hell or whatever
but anyway Mary is there for a whole mess of years in that desert
even more years than she spent getting laid back in the day
and then some priest comes along and sees her getting carried around by angels and shit
and he goes over to her like yo
and she’s like hey give me some clothes dude
and he’s like aw man no more boob-lookin-at for me
but he gives her some clothes and they go to a church and then she dies

a bunch of other miracles happen too but fuck that shit I’m tired

so the moral of the story
is that you should get all your sex out of the way before joining the cloth
cause then you won’t be as tempted to pee on children
seriously how uncreative do you have to be
to get off on PEEING ON CHILDREN
there are hundreds of real, awesome things you can do with TOTALLY CONSENTING ADULTS
almost all of which are NOT PEE-RELATED
look
all i’m saying is
Mary Magdelene spent like her whole life getting called a slut
and yet she never peed on anybody’s kids
and she had magic powers that let her raise the dead
the roman catholic church has really gone downhill

THE END

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Jonah Has a Right To Be Pissed

I had a dream where Hunter S. Thompson dove into the ocean
to punch a giant shark in the eye again and again
and it reminded me of this myth
enjoy:

so there’s this dude Jonah
it’s not particularly clear who he is or where he’s from
he’s just another living canvas
for God’s continuous mural of divine jack-assery
so basically Jonah is minding his own business one day
and god shows up like JONAH
JONAH
THERE’S THIS CITY I DON’T LIKE CALLED NINEVEH
GO TELL THEM THEY’RE GONNA DIE
and Jonah is like Aw hellll no
i know how this story goes
you tell me to go fuck over this town
and then my wife disobeys some arbitrary rule you set
and turns into some kind of tasty breakfast seasoning
no
fuck this
i’m going to tahiti

so Jonah hops the first ship to tahiti
probably hoping to get out of God’s jurisdiction or something
but God is not like vampires
he can cross running water
so no sooner is Jonah on the boat
then god starts stirring up a WHOPPER of a storm
and all the sailors are losing their shit
or more accurately, tossing it overboard
and meanwhile Jonah is just taking a nap belowdecks
so the captain runs down and is like DUDE, JONAH
WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHY ARE YOU NAPPING
GET UP HERE AND TELL GOD TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN OR SOMETHING

So Jonah gets up on deck
and it turns out that what everyone is doing
is rolling dice to see whose fault this is
and Jonah rolls a natural one
so everyone is like “alright dude, you gotta fix this”
and Jonah is like Oh, well that’s easy
just throw me in the water and God will chill out
he can’t get over the fact that I wouldn’t yell at some dudes for him
and the sailors are all like Welp
okay!
and then they throw him into the water and the storm stops
the end

oh wait no there’s more stuff I lied
so Jonah is in the water
and God rents this MASSIVE FISH to go eat him
but it’s not very good at eating
so it just swallows him completely intact
along with enough air for him to survive for THREE DAYS
(click here for highly plausible evidence that this actually happened
SPOILERS: it’s because jesus said it happened)
and Jonah is sitting in there like Alright God
you got me, buddy
you’re pretty great
sending giant fish after dudes and causing storms and shit
I’ll totally go tell dudes they’re going to hell or whatever
really whatever you want as long as you let me out of this whale
and god is like ALRIGHT DUDE
PREPARE TO BE WHALE VOMIT
MY MERCY IS TRULY GREAT.

So Jonah figures he can’t escape this time
and instead goes straight to Nineveh
where he tells everyone they’re gonna die for their sins
and they should stop sinning all the time
and guess what?
EVERYONE LISTENS
IMMEDIATELY
they all stop eating and start wearing shitty clothes
including the king
who literally, when he hears the news
stands up
strips naked
puts on a burlap sack
and sits down in some dirt
and god is like NICE
ALL IS FORGIVEN

and Jonah is like …What?
You trapped me in the stomach of a sea animal
for THREE DAYS
to get me to yell at a city full of dudes who were just gonna convert anyway?
What the fuck, man?
And what’s even so great about not eating and wearing shitty clothes?
Why is that a thing you like?
And god is like OK I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
JUST SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND CHILL OUT
LET ME GROW A NICE PLANT OVER YOUR HEAD TO SHELTER YOU FROM THE SUN
and Jonah’s like Well that’s sort of a nice thing to-
PSYCHE, says god, GONNA MAKE WORMS EAT THAT SHIT TO DEATH WHILE YOU SLEEP
WHO’S THE GOD, MOTHERFUCKER? WHO?
and Jonah’s like Holy shit, man, what is your problem?
and God is like U MAD BRO?
and Jonah’s like Just kill me now, seriously
and God’s like NOPE.

So the moral of the story
is if you are trying to escape god
go by train.

THE END.

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Goliath gets Stoned

so first of all
this is kinda short notice
but if you live in Chicago
and you like running screaming through the night
being chased by people pretending to be evil robots
that’s happening tomorrow
It’s called Journey to the End of the Night
and you can learn about it here

Second of all
I am still working on making a new run of shirts
but the screen I use to print them just ripped
so I have to make a new one
so be patient

THIRD OF ALL
it’s BIBLE TIME.

So there’s these dudes called the Philistines, right
I have never bothered to look up what their deal is in Isaac Asimov’s Guide to the Bible
but from context clues
their deal seems to be running around threatening the children of Israel
and having way too much skin wrapped around their penises.
so obviously this is a foolproof recipe for total war
and as our story begins, the army of the Philistines
is facing off against the army of the Israelites
except instead of just hauling off and nuking the shit out of each other
like REAL armies would
these dudes just sit on their little hills staring at each other
until finally the Philistines are like FUCK THIS
and they send out GOLIATH

Goliath
is
real big
he has a chest the size of two chests
and each of his arms could have had a successful solo career as a refrigerator
he is essentially hulk hogan wrapped in a life vest made of biceps
this guy
is LARGE.

So Goliath is just standing out there like YO
ISRAELITES
GONNA MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU GUYS:
IF ANY ONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, WE WILL ALL SURRENDER TO YOU FOREVER
BUT IF I KILL ONE OF YOU INSTEAD, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
THOSE ARE THE RULES
and everyone I think can agree
those are terrible rules
so the Israelites are up on their hill like Oh shit what do we do

ENTER DAVID
he’s the youngest son of a dude named Jesse
(when did everyone in the bible start having super normal names?)
and whereas all his older bros got to go be soldiers
David was stuck herding all his dad’s sheep
but then one day his dad is like Yo David
go take this bag of sandwiches to your brothers and find out what’s up
like with the war and whatever
so OFF HE GOES

so David shows up with a bag of sandwiches and a head full of gumption
just in time to find the entire nation of israel pissing its pants over Goliath’s abs
and he’s like YO FUCK THIS
WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET THE NATION OF ISRAEL TO STOP PISSING ITSELF AROUND HERE
and everyone is like uh
maybe kill Goliath?
in fact, I hear whoever kills goliath gets a bunch of sweet prizes
like for example the daughter of our general, Saul
and also no taxes forever
and David is like NO TAXES?!
HOLY SHIT, LET’S DO THIS.

So he goes over to Saul and he’s like Yo
I hear you have a giant problem
and where I come from
they call me the Giant Solution
(they are referring to my penis)
and Saul is like PISH POSH MY LAD
you are way too young to kill that guy
and David is like no fuck that
look at that guy
look at his dick
it’s got way too much skin on it for him to be dangerous
his boy is just smothering under all that foreskin there
how can you be deadly with a smothered johnson?
and Saul is like HM YES I BELIEVE YOU ARE CORRECT
BUT STILL YOU ARE ONLY A BOY
and David is like no look:
whatever
as a shepherd, I routinely have to chase down bears and punch them until they die
[SERIOUSLY NO JOKE THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS]
and this guy should go down just as easy
because lions and bears have plenty skin round their members
and this guy has AT LEAST that much
and Saul is like HM YES I SEE YOUR POINT
BUT AT LEAST TAKE SOME ARMOR
and David is like Nah
when I make bad decisions I like to make them all the way.

So david goes out to fight Goliath
and Goliath is like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
and David is like this, my friend
is called a projectile weapon
and then he throws a rock at Goliath and Goliath dies before he can even get over there
and David is like Now THAT
is the power of a dick that can really breathe.

so the moral of the story
is that nothing beats rock
good ol’ rock.

But you know, that’s not actually the end of David’s adventures
or his strange relationship to dick skin
remind me to tell you about that some other time, though
I’m sleepy.

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This is a little late, but whatever

So back in crazy old-times ireland
there was this dude named patrick
pat for short
saint patrick for long
Maewyn Succat if you want to get technical
actually he didn’t start out in ireland
he started out in scotland or britain or something
but then he got kidnapped by pirates
beat the SHIT out of them
and then had a dream that was like “Hey saint patrick
you should go to ireland
they need more christianity in ireland”

So he asks the pope if that’s cool, and the pope is like “yeah ok”
so he goes to ireland and he starts converting the fuck out of some pagans
he does this thing where he goes to towns that need converting
and he jams his staff into the ground while he preaches
so that he will have his hands free for FURIOUS GESTICULATION
one time it takes so long for him to convert all the pagan dudes in this one village
that his staff grows roots and turns into a tree
that is a long time
like pretty much an improbably long time

anyway, cut to a while later
Saint Patrick is sitting on a hill getting his pray on
when all of a sudden a bunch of SNAKES show up
they’re like HISSSS WE ARE SNAKES WE DO NOT LIKE CHRISTIANITY
YOU MAY RECALL THAT ONE OF US TOTALLY FUCKED UP PARADISE
and Saint Patrick is like OH I REMEMBER ALL RIGHT
FUCK OFF, SNAKES
and they do
they fuck off so hard that they fuck off into the ocean and drown
and that is why to this day
ireland is 100% snake free
(as a side note
saint patrick is not the only mythical dude who liked to beat the shit out of snakes)

but guys
here is where science steps in and ruins everything
because according to all the ecologists on wikipedia
BLUH BLUH BLUH
WE ARE ECOLOGISTS
SNAKES NEVER EXISTED IN IRELAND EVER BECAUSE OF SCIENCE SHIT
whatever, scientists
are you really going to ruin this for me?
WHY CAN YOU NOT LET ME IMAGINE A RAD DUDE WHO CAN TELL SNAKES TO PISS OFF?
WHAT AM I HARMING BY IMAGINING THIS TOTALLY SWEET AND LEGIT SCENARIO?
GOD.

Okay so
the moral of the story
is that science is only good for three things:
robots, time travel and explosions

the end.

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