Cry Me a River Why Don’t You?

Today’s myth comes courtesy of avenging super-angel
Gabriel “Celestial Heat Laser” Langston Hughes
it is about how when people are sad they turn into jerks

So there’s this hot chick

oh my god she is so hot
her left breast alone is completely off the Scoville scale
and her right breast is like getting slimed with a dumptruck full of magma
and taken all together
her perfect perfect body has the capacity to melt your face off
like you’re a nazi in raiders of the lost ark
except instead of your face it’s your penis
and instead of melting it
well I mean I think you can extrapolate
and if you don’t have a dick, you’ve still got problems
cause this chick’s red-hot gorgeosity cuts through heterosexuality LIKE BUTTER

so yeah she’s not ugly
and so as a result of her marked lack of ugliness
she is attracting guys left and right
like moths to a really hot chick
but whenever a guy tries to get up ons
she’s like EW GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH
I AM ONLY GOING TO MARRY THE HOTTEST DUDE AROUND

and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
here comes the hottest dude around
he is so hot
that the convection zone created above his head causes birds to burst into flame
melts clouds and heat-lances airplanes
he is the sole cause of global warming
this guy is a sexy, sexy disaster is what i’m saying
and not only that
he is a total badass
like he refuses to ride a horse that is not TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE
and if his horse ever becomes, like, sane or reasonable
he just gives that horse away and goes and ropes him THE MOST RIDICULOUS HORSE
also he’s rich
he’s a rancher or something
and in the immortal words of Mister Gabriel Langston Hughes,
he is canvassing for vaginas.

So Maria sees this hunk of white hot man magma
- or mangma as we call it in the biz –
and he not only melts her icy heart
he fucking VAPORIZES IT
and she’s like DAMN I NEED A NEW HEART
BETTER FIND ME A HUSBAND THAT CAN AFFORD HEART REPLACEMENT SURGERY
AND IS ALSO REALLY GODDAMN SEXY
RANCHER AHOYYYYYYYYYY

so Maria proceeds to win the Rancher’s heart by being a huge bitch
basically by ignoring him all the time and refusing his gifts
which has the paradoxical effect of making him fall TRIPLEBONERS IN LOVE WITH HER
and pull out ALL THE STOPS trying to get up ons
and then they get married
kind of out of spite, it sounds like
and they have a couple kids
but as time goes on
Rancher McHotpants seriously starts to lose interest in his bonerdacious wife
he starts disappearing for like months at a time
and when he comes home he only really wants to talk to his kids
he doesn’t even look at his wife’s sizzling body perfection
and finally ONE DAY
while Maria is out walking the kids
the Rancher pulls up next to them in a big fancy convertible carriage
along with a BRAND NEW MEGAHOT BABE
and he’s like hey children what’s up
gonna go ahead and keep ignoring your mom while talking to you
oops time’s up, gotta go bang my new wife
ZOOM

so now Maria is standing there
with all her kids
and she’s like you know what guys
fuck this
fuck ALL of this
and she drags all her kids down to the river
and just starts chucking them in
one after the other
maybe she is just trying to quench their budding hotness
before it causes any more problems
but honestly I think it is more likely that she is just trying to drown them
but no sooner has she thrown all her kids into the river
than she comes to her senses and is like OH FUCK MY KIDS ARE IN THE RIVER
WHAT DO I DOOOOO
and she starts trying to chase them down and catch them
but how the fuck does she expect to do that?

so yeah her kids die
and then she dies
and everyone buries her and it’s sad
except then the same night they bury her
everybody starts hearing this really obnoxious crying
and they see this woman in a white funeral gown running up and down the river
bawling her eyes out
except those aren’t regular tears
those are GHOST TEARS

so yeah, now Maria
AKA La Llorona
AKA Miss Cryingpants
hangs out by the river in New Mexico
and when she sees kids she does her best to chokeslam them and then steal them
presumably to replace her missing children
but also because that is just the kind of shit ghosts do

so the moral of the story is:
dudes
when you have just done everything in your power to piss off your wife
try not to leave her unsupervised with the children
while you go on a rowdy sexcapade with your new fling
and ladies
don’t cut off your children to spite your husband
he’s probably too busy with his rowdy sexcapade to even notice

THE END.

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