Doing a Trick With Eyeballs

I couldn’t come up with a clever title for this story
(which was told in its original form by a Northern Cheyenne woman named Rachel Strange Owl)
because the original title is
“Doing a Trick with Eyeballs”
and just like that Apache story about a house full of vaginas
there’s not a lot I’m going to need to do to this one.

Okay so there’s this prick named Veeho
who is the quintessential try-hard piece of shit
like, if you’ve ever gotten picked up by a ride-sharing service
and your driver was trying way too hard to be your friend
laughing really loud at his own bad jokes
and being just a little racist
and you couldn’t wait to arrive at your destination
so you could stop smiling and nodding
and give him a four-star review and a passive-agressive comment
because maybe he means well and he’s trying so hard and this is his job
but also he’s incredibly slimy
well
that driver was Veeho.

So Veeho comes into an Indian village
desperately looking for a way to impress everyone
and he runs into this medicine man
and Veeho is like “HEY DUDE LOOK WHAT I CAN DO
YOU’VE GOT PRETTY DIRTY EARS
WHAT’S THAT YOU’VE GOT BACK THERE?
OH MY GOD IT’S A QUARTER HOLY SHIT”
and the medicine man is like “Bitch please
check this shit out:
YO EYEBALLS”
and his eyeballs are like “YEAH?”
and he’s like “GO HANG OUT IN THAT TREE OK?”
and his eyeballs are like “SURE”
and they fly out of his head and go hang out in a tree
it is fucking INSANE
and it looks PAINFUL
and then the medicine man is like “Ok eyeballs
I think we’ve made our point
come back into my eyesockets now”
and the eyeballs come back and burrow into his face
and Veeho is like “Oh
my
god
you have to show me how to do that”

Now when I first read this story
I’ll tell you what I thought was gonna happen
I thought the medicine man was just gonna say no
and Veeho was gonna punch him or something
and then problems
but the medicine man is just like “sure okay
i don’t need to have a monopoly on stupid eyeball tricks
boom
you can shoot out your eyeballs now
BUT
you can only do it 4 times per day
if you do it any more times
your eyeballs will get a taste for freedom
and they won’t come back.”

So Veeho is like “Shit yeah, i’m a freak now”
and he runs outside and he sees a fence
and he’s like “Eyeballs, jump over that fence”
and his eyeballs are like “Okay”
and Veeho is like “HAHA FUCK YOU FENCE”
and he summons his eyeballs back
and then he chucks them into a tree
and over a river
and onto a yak or whatever
the point is
he has very clearly exhausted his four uses for the day
and finally he gets to town
and he’s like “HEY GUYS I’M A WIZARD NOW
I CAN SHOOT OUT MY FUCKING EYEBALLS”
and everyone is like “bullshit, prove it”
and Veeho is like “Hmm
how many times have I shot out my eyeballs today?
four?
Nah, the first one was just practice
it can’t possibly count”
so he’s like “YO EYEBALLS, FLY INTO THAT TREE OVER THERE”
and his eyeballs are like “SURE WE LOVE TREES”
and everyone is like “WHOA THAT IS SO FUCKED UP
YOU SHOULD BE THE FRONT MAN FOR A METAL BAND”
but then Veeho is like “Okay eyeballs you can come back now”
but obviously they don’t
I mean come on
no eyeball wants to live inside a head that dumb
and then a bird comes and eats the eyeballs
which i guess the eyeballs find preferable to going back to Veeho
and everyone laughs at him and goes home.

so now he’s blind
and he’s wandering around bumping into shit
and he runs into a mouse
and he’s like “PLEASE MOUSE GIVE ME AN EYEBALL”
and the mouse is like “Yo dude my eyes are tiny, no way”
and Veeho is like “PLEASE”
and the mouse is like “Okay fine you can have one of my eye
I will straight up become a cyclops to shut you up.”
But the mouse is right
the eye is way too small
he can barely see a tiny point of light
but it’s better than nothing
so he keeps wandering around until he finds a buffalo
and he’s like “PLEASE BUFFALO GIVE ME AN EYEBALL”
and the buffalo is like “dude my eyes are like the size of your head”
but Veeho is like “PLEASE”
and the buffalo is like “FINE
I will actually disfigure myself just to make you go away”
so Veeho takes one of the buffalo’s eyes and stuffs it in his socket
but it’s way too big
and it makes everything look big
and that combined with the mouse eye gives him a WICKED headache
but at least he can see
so he staggers home
to his wife(?????)
and his wife looks at his ruined face
and is like “Hey maybe you should stop trying to impress everyone”
and Veeho is like “You know maybe you’re right”
and the story doesn’t explicitly say that Veeho’s wife leaves him
but I believe in happy endings.

So the moral of the story
obviously
is before you make any kind of magical pact
make sure you know how to count to at least 4
preferably higher.

The end.

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The Daughter of the Sun is HOT

Sup guys

Haven’t done a native american myth in a while
and this one comes with a rather lengthy introduction
so if you want to you can click here to skip to the story
anyway:

I have been thinking today
(I have done other things besides thinking, just to be clear
I have eaten food and taken dumps and stuff)
I have been thinking because this very insightful lady
posted a very insightful review of this website you are reading
and one of the critiques levied in this review
is that my mythology site
telling the myths I tell, in the particular way I tell them
runs the risk of cultural appropriation
(because I do things like lump all of africa into a single category
and call the lord of the chinese underworld “Chinese Satan.)
and also that I have an unfortunate tendency to slut-shame

Okay so
I’m a middle class cis white dude living in america
I am speedrunning life on basically the lowest difficulty setting there is
and with that difficulty setting comes the power
to offend a billion different kinds of people in a billion different unintentional ways
I mean shit
I didn’t even know what “slut-shaming” meant until a couple months ago
I could pretty much spend my whole life being a total dick and NEVER KNOW
if I didn’t have the internet

The point being
that I know there is this idea in humor
where if a joke offends you you should suck it up because fuck you
but you/I need to face the possibility
that I may be offending you because I have NO IDEA I’M BEING OFFENSIVE
I NEED TO BE TOLD
I am acting in good faith here
I like to think I have gotten more judicious with my words
and that I’m helping to spread knowledge and good times
and not prejudice and bullshit
so I really appreciate
when people let me know where my problems are at.

ANYWAY HERE’S A STORY ABOUT FRIENDZONE BOOBS

this story comes courtesy of the Tlingit people of the Pacific Northwest
mostly they hang out in Alaska
but not on reservations like most of the native dudes we fucked over
these dudes are majority shareholders in a corporation called Sealaska
with its tendrils all up in the lumber and injection-molded plastics businesses
and this corporation has purchased huge tracts of land for these dudes to live on

yeah i know
it sort of sounds like a sci-fi plot to me too
but this is what happens when you have a whole secret other america
populated by dudes and ladies who have spent LITERAL GENERATIONS
figuring out lifehacks for not getting totally buried under guns and hamburger wrappers
AND DESPITE THAT MONUMENAL TASK
these dudes have still found time to tell them some stories
so without further ado
ladies and gentlemen
I give you
the one and only
story by the Tlingit people of the Pacific northwest
entitled
summarily

THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN
SHIT YEAH

oh man sorry guys
I am going to have to tease all your cocks a little more
because the daughter of the sun doesn’t show up until the end of the story
and right now we are at the beginning
and at the beginning everybody sucks.

There’s this dude Sun Cloud
he has a cousin named Snow Flower
and being that this is a myth
he is of course all over that shit like zeus on cows
or cows on cows
or cows on your wife
but enough about cows

the problem for Sun Cloud is that Snow Flower is an even bigger cocktease than I am
I do not say this lightly my friends
I am like a fucking snakecharmer for cock
but this girl teases cock like a gradeschool bully in a men’s locker room
Sun Cloud’s all like “Hey girl wanna catch a movie?”
And Snow Flower’s like “Only if you do a million pushups and punch a bear in the nuts”
and then he goes and does those things
and comes back all sweaty and mutilated like “Okay, tits please”
and she’s just like “Hm.
Nah.”

So naturally Sun Cloud gets a little peeved
and the next time Snow Flower tells him to go out and do some ridiculous shit
he’s like “Look
I totally see what you’re doing and it is not going to fly”
and Snow Flower is like “Aw but if you just do one more thing I’ll totes slip you some tongue”
and Sun Cloud is like “OKAY SOUNDS PLAUSIBLE
WHAT SHALL I DO?”
and she’s like “Just get your hair cut, that’s all”
and Sun Cloud is like “Holy shit, that’s all?”

But then he remembers
that in his village
the only people with short hair are the SLAVES
and facial recognition is nobody’s strong suit
so naturally Sun Cloud is faced with a quandary
make himself indistinguishable from a SLAVE
or give up on trying to bone his cousin

…GUESS WHICH ONE HE CHOOSES
and the kicker is that he goes back over to her place
like “Hey I got rid of all my hair
so now it won’t get tangled in our mouths when we smooch
your hair will still probably do that though
so like, tie it back maybe?”
and Snow Flower is like “I AIN’T TYIN’ BACK SHIT
AND YOU BEST STEP BACK
CAUSE AIN’T NO WAY I’M HOOKING UP WITH A SLAVE”
so that’s a pretty decisive “no,” i think.

Obviously this does not make Sun Cloud happy
so he’s moping his way back home
when an old woman pops out of her house like DUDE
WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD
and he tells her EVERYTHING
LITERALLY EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU
minus a lot of the swears
and most of the good similes
and that long preamble at the beginning
but like, all the important parts
and the old woman is like CONGRATULATIONS
BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR STORY
YOU GET TO MARRY THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN
SHE’S STRAIGHT DOWN THAT ROAD OVER THERE, AT THE TOP OF THAT MOUNTAIN
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PICK THE RIGHT ONE
so of course Sun Cloud believes her
because remember
this is the dude who believed his untouchable cousin would marry him
if he just punched enough bears and got a haircut

So he follows the road
and he stops at the bottom of the mountain and he’s like man
I’m too scared to climb this mountain
but then he remembers that at the top of the mountain there are boobies
so he SUCKS IT UP
and at the top the gods are like CONGRATULATIONS SUN CLOUD
YOU HAVE REACHED THE TOP OF HOT CHICK MOUNTAIN
NOW IT’S TIME TO PLAY EVERYONE’S FAVORITE GAME:
WHICH OF THESE HOT CHICKS IS THE DAUGHTER OF THE SUN?
And there’s three hot chicks
so of course Sun Cloud picks the third one
because that’s how stories work
and he’s totally right and she’s like the sexiest ever
but also she’s just sort of a good person
and that is a rare thing in this world my friends
so Sun Cloud counts himself lucky to have found her
and meanwhile time passes and Snow Flower’s boobs get all saggy
and she doesn’t really have much else going for her so she dies cold and alone
while Sun Cloud and Sun Lady get to be president or something

So the moral of the story
is I know we’ve all done our time in the friendzone
believing with all of our shriveled black hearts
that if we just act real nice and bring lots of presents
we will eventually get to come out of the friend zone
and into what I like to call THE SEX ZONE
but that’s unrealistic guys, that just doesn’t happen
what DOES happen
is you tell your problems to a crazy old woman
and then you get to marry the SUN

the end

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Whiskey Jack and the Flying Butt

Guys this myth is totally real I swear
like I found it in a book and whatnot
yes I know the title is a little suspicious
but this is coming from the people who brought you the vagina house
so you’re gonna have to just go with it:

So Wisakedjak grows up in a pretty normal nuclear family.
I mean, normal inasmuch as he has one mom, one dad, and one little bro.
What is abnormal about this family
is that every day, the dad goes out hunting
and the mom goes down to the lake to get sexed up by snakes.
Now, it’s only a matter of time before Dad figures out what’s going on
probably because his wife keeps hissing during orgasm
if she even has orgasms
which is a legitimate question because what kind of sexually satisfied woman
goes out cruising for snake-booty
and then the other legitimate question
is where is the booty on a snake?
there is pretty much no part of a snake that you could call a butt
I mean i imagine poop comes out somewhere
unless they’re like hummingbirds
but my friends
there is a very large difference between a butt
and a BOOTY
so I guess my problem is
how do you objectively judge the sexiness of a particular snake?
are you just like “oh man
look at those cold lifeless eyes and skinny ineffectual tongue
hey cobra commander
why don’t you come on over here and pass some of my aromatic particles to your vomeronasal cavity
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
These are the sorts of thoughts that this woman’s husband does not have
because he is too busy freaking out that his wife is getting sexed up by snakes.

so what he does is he goes down to the lake when his wife’s not around
and he kills all the snakes, and chops them up
and makes them into soup and takes them back home and FEEDS THEM TO HIS WIFE.
Then he cuts off her head
tells his children to run away
and ASCENDS TO HEAVEN.
This is probably history’s most eventful divorce.

But apparently getting decaptiated didn’t used to kill you in ancient times.
Because what Momma does then, is she gets FURIOUS that her husband is leaving her
so she tears off her butt
and sends it flying after him to go bring him back
but her ass is too fat, so it can’t catch up with him
and meanwhile she sends her head rolling after her fleeing children
like “Come back, kids. I want to suckle you with my boobs.”
And the kids are like “You can’t fool us, you’re just a head.
Heads don’t have boobs!
We are babies! We know about boobs, ok”
Then they grab onto a heron and fly across a river
and the mom tries to do the same thing
but the heron just picks her up and drops her into the river, like a dick
and then she turns into sturgeon
which makes me a lot less excited about eating that kind of fish.

Anyway, Wisakedjak manages to calm his little brother down
after what is admittedly QUITE A FIASCO
and then he immediately abandons him to go kill a bunch of monsters
and while he is off doing that
his little brother turns into a wolf for some reason
and then gets kidnapped and skinned by water snakes
and his skin gets hung in the doorway of their tent.
Of course, when Wisakedjak hears about this he is none too pleased
so he uses all of his accumulated monster-killing skills to bust in and kill the chief of the water snakes
who then get REAL pissy and cause the world to flood
which is yet ANOTHER reason why that might have happened.

So the moral of the story
is that there is never a good reason to marry someone with a detachable butt.
It might seem neat
like, you might think you’ll be able to hide your drugs in there or something
but you’ve gotta plan ahead, my friend
for when you have to decapitate them for fornicating with snakes and then ascend to heaven.

The end.

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Jumping Mouse Has Crazy Healing Powers

So mice

we have them in my apartment
also my house
they eat things and it sucks
but imagine how much worse it would be if they could do this:

so one day this mouse gets fed up hearing all these fairy tales
about crazy mystical far off lands
and he’s like FUCK STORIES
I’m going to go to those far off lands MYSELF
so this mouse just picks a direction and starts walking

but almost immediately problems start happening
because like ten feet from the mouse’s house is a river
and mice suck at rivers
so he’s sitting there trying to figure out what to do
when a frog jumps out of the river like WHAT’S UP MOUUUUUSE
and the mouse is like uh
how do I cross this river?
and the frog is like oh, that’s easy
just swim
and the mouse is like oh … ok
and the frog is like why do you wanna cross the river anyway?
and the mouse is like well I am just trying to get to the magical fairytale kingdom
and the frog is like well that sounds reasonable
here:
let me give you
SUPERPOWERS
I HEREBY NAME YOU
JUMPING MOUSE
and ho-lee shit
this mouse suddenly has incredible frog jumps
superman leaps
man these are some hops you could brew beer with is what I am saying
and the mouse is like THANKS MAGIC FROG
and the frog is like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?
ANYWAY GOOD LUCK

so jumping mouse is jumping along
and he runs up on a buffalo that is passed out in the grass
and he’s like hey buffalo
what the fuck is wrong with you
and the buffalo is like dude
I totally went blind from drinking too much
and now I am so screwed
aaaaaaa
and jumping mouse is like dude it’s okay
don’t you know that I have BASICALLY NECROMANCY POWERS?
HERE
HAVE MY EYES
and he straight gives his eyes to the buffalo
and the buffalo is like HOLY SHIT THIS WORKS SOMEHOW
SORRY YOU’RE BLIND NOW LITTLE DUDE
LET ME GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE MOUNTAINS
I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM EAGLES
WHICH ARE THE GREATEST DANGER TO TRAVELING MICE
NOT THAT THERE ARE REALLY A LOT OF TRAVELING MICE
BUT WHATEVER DUDE
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE
so that is what the buffalo does
but then it turns out buffalos are useless and can’t climb mountains
so jumping mouse is left to crawl blindly up the rest of the way
and halfway up he just runs STRAIGHT INTO A WOLF
and instead of eating him
like a REAL WOLF
the wolf is like BOO HOO HOO I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL
and jumping mouse is like oh no problem dude
HAVE MINE
and the wolf is so grateful
that he CONTINUES TO FAIL TO EAT JUMPING MOUSE
and in fact gives him a ride to the bottom of the mountain
protecting him from terrifying eagles the entire way
not that jumping mouse can even really tell at this point
because he is BLIND AND CANNOT SMELL

so he’s down in the valley
which turns out to be the magic fairy kingdom lands
and suddenly he hears this creepy voice up in his ear
like congratulations jumping mouse
it is i
magic frog
apparently I knew a faster way to get here the whole time
but enough about me
it is time for you to JUMP JUMP JUMP
and jumping mouse is like seriously dude?
I am kind of mourning the loss of about half my senses
and the frog is like YOU ARE FORGETTING ABOUT THE SIXTH SENSE:
JUMPING
and so jumping mouse starts jumping
and then all of a sudden his arms turn into wings
and his sight comes back
and also his smell
and he is just soaring all the fuck over everywhere
and the frog is like CONGRATULATIONS JUMPING MOUSE
IN RETURN FOR YOUR GENEROSITY
YOU GET TO BE AN EAGLE
and Jumping Mouse is like whoa
i should probably get a different name huh?

So the moral of the story
is give away all your organs
and you can BECOME YOUR GREATEST ENEMY

The end

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Animals != Astronomical Bodies

Today’s myth comes from IDAHO
and also the sexy supple typing fingers of MEGAZORD “HOTT RADIATION” BURLESQUE
it is about workplace harassment

OKAY SO COYOTES
they are everywhere
and they eat your cats and shit in your gardens
no one likes coyotes
this is because when given the slightest opportunity
Coyotes pull shit like this:

so there’s this place in Idaho or Montana or something and it has no moon
everyone hates it
because how are they supposed to have sexy late night disco parties?
electricity has not been invented yet my friends
this is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO

so everyone gets together and they’re like fuck this
we need a MOON
then we can truly bone
ALL NIGHT LONG
without anyone hitting their face on the bedpost
and getting like a bloody nose or something
and then it’s totally a turnoff for some people
SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
okay, okay what do we have a lot of that we’re not using?
oh I know
ANIMALS
HEY ANIMALS
and the animals are like yo hey
and the people are like HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU CRAWLS UP THERE AND REFLECTS SUNLIGHT
AND THEN WE CAN TRULY BONE
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
NOT YOU AND US
US AND EACH OTHER
WHAT ARE WE, FREAKS?
OKAY NOW GO UP IN THE SKY NOW
and fox
who is dumb and eager to please
is like OKAY GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST SUN
so he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a ball
and he starts reflecting the FUCK out of that sun
but here’s the problem my friends
fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB
it’s like straight up daylight all over the place
everyone caught with their wangs out
totally embarrassed
and they’re like hey fox
sorry buddy
but we need a little more mood lighting for this vigorous boning
gonna need you to step down from the sky
and fox is like aww okay
and then raven is like OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE
NOTHING IS SEXIER
THAN BLACKLIGHT
so raven flies up there
and he balls himself up
but see
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting shit
and pretty soon everyone is banging their faces on bedposts again
and not in the good way
i’m sure there’s a good way for that to happen
but so yeah everyone wipes the blood off their faces and sexparts
and they’re like okay raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff
seriously dude this is no good
so raven slinks back down to earth all humiliated
cause at least fox only got fired for being GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move
he’s like GUYS
LOOK AT ME
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR
THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING
IS TOTALLY OKAY
and everyone is like well we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric
but okay sure

so coyote gets his ass up in the sky
and he curls into a ball
and it’s perfect
it’s great
everyone is boning up a storm
but not a literal storm
that would be bad and probably interrupt the boning
no this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits
it’s great
you should have been there
but then Coyote gets all bored
because as we have already established
this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his priveleged position up in the sky
to start snooping
he’s all peeping in lasses’ windows
like HEY
HEY EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE SEXTUPLE TWANK TWISTER
COME LOOK
and everyone comes and looks
and susan doesn’t even come at all
because a screaming moon is the biggest bonerkill
Coyote also uses his moon powers to prevent justified theft and cheat at cards
basically no one is happy about this
so they totally fire him

but he’s like HAHA
YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME
I’M THE PERFECT COLOR
HOO-RAH
and everyone is like uh
there are pretty much a ho-jillion animals with the same color fur as you
case in point: rabbit
and rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either
get up there, rabbit
so rabbit gets up there
and ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing
FOREVER
and that is why coyote is always howling at the moon
he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is maybe we should consider firing the moon
cause I bet we have the technology
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some fucking rabbit

THE END

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How About Some Subtlety, Apaches?

This myth was brought to my attention by furious drunken brawler extraordinaire
Miller “The Champagne of Dropkicks” Asswhuppensteinn
It is a coming of age story

So this is one of those myths where I almost don’t even need to retell it
I could just copy and paste it
maybe find and replace to swap all instances of “and” for “fucktits”
and i could pass it off as something I just made up

but so there’s this house full of vaginas, right?
yup
big ol’ house just stuffed full of vaginas
they have actually got vaginas hanging on the walls
thick as wallscrolls in an otaku’s cave
this is the quintessential tunaparty
tacofest
clambake
cervical circus
this place is lousy with vaginas is what I’m saying
but the lousiest vaginas of all
are these four girls
called the vagina girls
because as it turns out
they are actually just giant vaginas
giant shapeshifting vaginas that look like girls
oh also
there are no vaginas anywhere else on earth at this point
this place is essentially the fort knox of vagina
except the security team is actually just one guy
or actually a monster
named Kicking Monster
whose MO is to roll up on any poor asshole who enters the vicinity
and kick him INTO THE HOUSE
that is not how guards work usually
but hey
no one who gets kicked into the house ever leaves
so Kicking Monster must be doing something right

so this goes on for a while
and even despite kicking monster
dudes are lining up around the block to take a crack at this vagina house
because let me reiterate
this is a house full of vaginas
and not just a house
THE house
that would be like if someone took all the
well
uh
it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in a house
i don’t know how to make it any clearer than that

so dudes keep getting killed mysteriously
or at least disappearing
until finally this one badass rolls up
named Killer-Of-Enemies
I tell you, man
these Apaches cut right to the chase with their names
and Killer of enemies takes it upon himself to fix this vagina problem
so he kicks kicking monster in the nuts and he busts into the house
and here come the four beautiful vagina girls like OH MY GOD TAKE US NOW
WE LIKE SEX AND THAT’S NO LIE
and Killer-Of-Enemies is like hm
that is a tempting offer
but first I gotta ask you ladies
what happened to all the dudes who got kicked in here?
and the vagina girls are like oh
we ate them
with our vaginas
which are also our whole bodies
and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp teeth
that’s kind of what we do
and Killer-of-Enemies is like WHAT
THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA
look ladies
I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’
but first you gotta take these drugs I brought with me
and the vagina girls are like FREE DRUGS?
COUNT US IN
so Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour berries
which are actually just a ton of rohypnol and ecstacy
and also some kind of tooth-decaying powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth
and the vagina girls are like OH MY GOD THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD
and Killer-of-Enemies is like dang girl I ain’t even banged you yet
and then later he totally bangs them
right in their domesticated vaginas
and it’s great
everyone is very happy for him
and I guess he probably distributes the loose assorted vaginas amongst the people
and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina teeth or women’s rights ever again

so the moral of the story
is that people who live in vagina houses
should not get stoned

THE END
THE END.

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Even Native Americans Have Problems With Giants

so there’s these two bros

their names are Moose and Caribou
isn’t moose the name of one of the guys in Animal House?
that would make sense because a moose is an animal
BUT I DIGRESS

so moose and caribou decide to go fuck around in the nearby giant-infested woods
for no better reason than that there are woods nearby and there are giants in them
THIS IS HOW PROBLEMS GET STARTED GUYS
but apparently not this time
because this time the idiot twins have the good luck to run into this random lady
who is half giant and half Indian
and she is like hm
giants raped my mother
maybe I have a vested interest in helping these two bros fuck over some giants
so she sits them down and she’s like okay dudes
there are three giants up ahead and they are all TREMENDOUS TOOLCLOWNS
they are going to try and kill you IN A VARIETY OF WAYS
and all three of us know you are way too dumb to just not go into the woods
so here is where I totally bail your shit out

so the first giant is no big deal
I will just give you this box of dogs
yes, I said box of dogs
it is a tiny box full of tiny dogs
just rub your hands all over them and they will immediately become large and FURIOUS
and they will take out their fury on the nearest giant

GIANT TWO
he’s this rude crude totally gross dude with toads in his hair
giant poisonous toads
he is going to ask you to do him a solid and crush a toad for him
because he has toads on his head and they hurt
DO NOT CRUSH A TOAD FOR HIM, GUYS
THE TOADS ARE POISONOUS LIKE I SAID AND THEIR POISON WILL KILL YOU
instead, here is a handful of cranberries
break these cranberries over his head and it will sound like you popping a toad
and he will be satisfied by that because really he is a very lazy murderer

GIANT THREE
uh
well there’s really no trick to this one
just
I guess
here
here’s a knife
it’s magic
it can like
stab really good?
honestly you could just use this knife on everybody and it would be fine
anyway have fun

SO THEY DO
they kill the three giants exactly like she said they would
it is fairly unexciting
and once they’re done, what happens?
do they receive magical treasures and sweet promotional contracts for energy drinks?
NO, ASSHOLE
THEY GET NOTHING
THEY JUST ROMPED THROUGH A FOREST FULL OF KILLHUNGRY DICK GIANTS
AND THEIR PRIZE IS NOT HAVING HAD THEIR FACES TORN OFF
I think a lot less people would play DnD if that’s how it worked

but so naturally these two dudes are disappointed
they decide maybe it would be best if they split up
increase their odds of finding treasure and whatnot
and the rest of the story is pretty much just about moose

so moose is walking around and he meets this hot chick
but see the problem is that this chick’s mom is a witch
I do not mean that in a derogatory way
i mean her mom is an actual witch
like with magic and toads and shit
but Moose is all impatient to get his bone on with the witch’s daughter
so he just rolls up to her like HEY MISS WITCH CAN I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER?
and the witch is like SURE
YOU JUST GOTTA DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO FOR A WHILE
and Moose is like dur ok sounds reasonable

so the first night
he goes to sleep in the house
and the witch is like HERE LET ME GET YOU A BLANKET
LET ME GET YOU SEVEN THOUSAND BLANKETS
HAHA YOU WILL SMOTHER MY PLAN IS BRILLIANT
but Moose just cuts some airholes in the blanket
like you might do for a jar full of insects
and he’s totally fine
and for some reason the witch finds this ASTONISHING

so the next day she’s like HEY MOOSE
SEE THAT GIANT HEMLOCK TREE OUTSIDE?
BEAT IT WITH A STICK UNTIL ALL THE BARK FALLS OFF AND GIVES YOU A CONCUSSION
and Moose is like ok
i’m gonna go ahead and not do the concussion part though
because I like not having concussions
so he just uses some fancy dance moves and debarks that tree no problem

so now the witch is SUPER astonished
and she is like okay new plan
let’s go hang out on this far-off island for a while
oh oops I need to go back home and get my
uh
something
can you just hang out here indefinitely while I do that?
and moose is like duhh sure
but then she leaves and he’s like FUCK
SHE TOTALLY JUST STRANDED ME
WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING?
which is a good question
but it’s okay because he gets carried gandalf-style by some seagulls
and shows up back at the house like sup

so finally the old woman is like alright son
I didn’t wanna have to do this but you forced my hand
time for an all-out wrestling match on top of a rocky mountain cliff
no holds barred
may the best man win
and then moose breaks her spine because she is an OLD FUCKING WOMAN

so now that the witch is dead
Moose is totally free to marry her daughter
but oh shit
it turns out the daughter is also a witch
not in the magic and toads sense
she’s just really unpleasant
although in restrospect
that accurately describes the mom as well
I guess there was no magic after all
but yeah the only thing the daughter does that doesn’t piss Moose off
is fishing
she’s great at fishing
but then one day she falls through a hole in the ice and she’s gonna freeze to death
and she’s like HELP ME HUSBAND
HELP
and Moose is like hm
nah fuck it
and then she dies
and Moose is a swingin’ bachelor once more

so naturally after all that shit goes down
Moose has a pretty low opinion of like
other people
so he pretty much keeps to himself
meanwhile his bro is totally living it up with booze and whores
which is why caribou travel in groups and moose do not

so the moral of the story
is before you kill someone’s mom to be with somebody
make sure you are actually into that person first
otherwise you have to let them die in an icefishing accident and that is traumatic

THE END.

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MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER LESBIANS

Today’s myth comes courtesy of a book I found
in a place where the walls were all books
which I think we can all agree
is probably the best kind of place
it is about gay rights

so this chick named bear-skin woman
(which probably should have been a hint right out of the gate)
has this dream about some other chick called Double-Moon-Woman
(so named because her boobs are the size of planetary bodies)
and bearskin woman wakes up and she’s like holy shit that dream was hot
guess I’m a lesbian, huh?
so she goes into the woods and she finds herself a nice bear to settle down with
not a bear as in large hairy gay man
but a bear as in an actual goddamn grizzly bear
a ladybear, just to be clear
because I guess the same-sex dating prospects
in her small native american village
leave something to be desired

so bearskin lady and actual bear lady get along famously
that is until all bearskin lady’s dad and bros back in town hear about this
and become FURIOUS
because now their family is a total sausage fest
and the dad is like BEARS ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING
YOU KNOW
THE GREAT SPIRIT RESIDES WITHIN US ALL OR WHATEVER
I JUST DON’T WANT MY DAUGHTER MARRYING ONE, OK?
so they get together a lynch mob and they show up at the bear cave

but here is something that maybe slipped everybody’s mind:
YOU DON’T LYNCH BEARS
YOU GET MAULED BY BEARS
and guess what sugarpants
looks like bear-skin woman has turned into an actual bear BECAUSE OF SNOGGING SO HARD
so these guys expected a lynching
but instead they get TWO BEARS
needless to say it is a very bad day for a lot of dudes
and the dad and bros return home pretty disappointed

and after that whole violence fiasco
the two bears send a very politely worded letter to the town
all like hey guys we don’t want to cause any trouble
we just want to be allowed to enjoy our marital bliss
(bearital bliss)
in this cave peacefully
and hey
to sweeten the pot
we will even use our magical bear powers to make your farms and shit prosper
just don’t fuck with us
remember:
we are bears

and everybody finds this pretty reasonable
EXCEPT FOR THE DAD AND THE BROS
they’re like SO WE ALLOW LESBIANS TO MARRY
GREAT
WHAT’S NEXT?
ARE WE GONNA ALLOW PEOPLE TO MARRY ANIMALS?
WAIT
FUCK
OKAY ENOUGH POLITICS
TIME FOR VIOLENCE

so they sneak up to the bear cave
and they drop a ton of prickly pears out front
which are apparently a type of fruit that is only good for injuring people
kind of like coconuts
and then they are like WOOP WOOP WE’RE OUT HERE TO MURDER YOU
and the two bears come charging out
and get all these pears in their paws
and it hurts, sure
but guys
THESE ARE FUCKING BEARS
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
DID YOU EXPECT THEM TO FALL OVER AND SCRAMBLE FRANTICALLY FOR SOME TWEEZERS?
BEARS MOTHERFUCKER
UP IN YOUR GRILL

so these dudes are seeing these two huge bears bearing down on them
and they are like oh fuck we are so pooched
when suddenly their sister shows up
because apparently they have a sister
and she shoots an arrow STRAIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS
and they’re like what the hell sis
are you playing for the other team too?
except it’s not a regular arrow
it’s a TELEPORTING ARROW
THAT TELEPORTS EVERYONE IT PASSES
so it passes over all those dudes and teleports them to a slightly farther place
but the bears are STILL AFTER THEM
and also
everywhere their feet bleed
TREES GROW
and everywhere their claws dig into the ground
LAKES APPEAR
guys
even when these dames are murdering
they STILL HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON THE ECOSYSTEM
but so yeah at least the bros have a head start now
they end up running up this huge tree
and the two bear chicks sit down under it
just waiting for these dudes to fall asleep so they can be mauled
when HERE COMES THAT RANDOM SISTER AGAIN WITH HER TELEPORTING ARROWS
she stands in the middle of the tree
and just teleports one dude after another DIRECTLY INTO THE SKY
and then instead of them getting killed by gravity
they all turn into stars
and then she rides her bow
which – oh yeah – WAS ACTUALLY THE MOON THE WHOLE TIME
and goes up into the sky with them
and makes them all her bitches
and the two bear ladies live happily for a very long time
and then when they die they also get to be stars
and they spend the rest of eternity chasing their rascally bros across the sky

so the moral of the story
is lesbians have magic powers
that allow them to change shape and terraform vast tracts of land
you can do whatever you want with this information
but my advice is don’t fuck with lesbians
unless you are a lesbian
in which case probably spend some time thinking about what animal you wanna morph into
I suggest bears

THE END.

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She-Who-Lives-Alone is a pretty sad name for a little girl

Okay short myth today
but don’t worry
it is heartwarming as FUCK

alright so there’s this chick named “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
no she is not some kind of rad lone wolf chick
with a belt full of shells and nothing to lose
who don’t need no man and bites the heads off snakes
no no no
she’s this little-ass orphan chick
who is part of a tribe of Comanche indians somewhere in texas
see there’s a drought and her parents starved to death
and as a result her name is actually officially changed to “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
that’s fucked up
that’s like if I got my dick chopped off in a car accident
and so everyone decided to change my name to “He-Who-Ain’t-Got-No-Dick”
great guys
way to rub it in
like every time you need me to pass the salt and you’re like
HEY HE-WHO-AIN’T-GOT-NO-DICK COULD YOU PASS ME SOME FUCKING SALT PLEASE
like THANK YOU SIR I KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
EVERYONE KNOWS I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A SHORTER NICKNAME FOR ME
LIKE DICKSY OR SOMETHING
THAT AT LEAST SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A REAL NAME
FUCK
so yeah She-Who-Lives-Alone
fuck that

but anyway i mentioned there was a drought right?
yeah shit’s pretty fucked up
everyone is kind of worried that they are going to die
so worried in fact that a bunch of the elders go up to the top of a mountain
and they’re like OY
GREAT SPIRIT
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
WE KNOW YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON A WHOLE WAREHOUSE OF FUCKING RAIN
HOW ABOUT LOOSENING THE PURSE STRINGS A LITTLE BIT
and the Great Spirit is like sure dudes no problem
yall just gotta each set fire to your most prized posession
no biggie right
and the elders are like BUT GREAT SPIRIT
WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO THAT
WE HAVE ALREADY LOST LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS
THERE’S THIS ONE CHICK
WE HAD TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SHE-WHO-LIVES-ALONE
WE CALL HER ORPHANS MCGEE FOR SHORT
IT’S PRETTY SAD
WHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO SET FIRE TO A BUNCH OF OUR POSESSIONS ON TOP OF THAT?
and the great spirit is like oh man
this rain feels so good all over my divine radiance
and the elders are like OK POINT TAKEN
HEY EVERYONE WE MADE A FIRE
COME SET FIRE TO YOUR SHIT

so Orphans Mcgee is pretty conflicted over this
because on the one hand she wants there to be rain so that everybody doesn’t die
but on the other hand
she owns exactly one thing
and that is a doll her grandmother gave her
shortly before dying
just like everyone else in her family
and this doll is like top of the line
it’s got berry juice all over its face
and a bunch of blue feathers stapled to its head
it is a pretty sweet doll guys i’m not gonna lie
and Orphans Mcgee is lying in her tent thinking fuck
does the great spirit actually want this doll
like what the hell is he going to do with it
what do you need dolls for when you’re fucking omnipotent
but on the other hand
my spider sense tells me that the great spirit is a huge asshole
who just wants to see a bunch of shit catch on fire
I guess I’d better burn my only posession
otherwise we’re all gonna die

so she goes out to the fire in the middle of the night
and she’s like alright great spirit
you win
go fuck yourself
and she throws in her doll
and she hangs out by the fire all night
and when it dies down she throws some ashes in the air
and then she goes to bed

and when she wakes up in the morning THERE’S FLOWERS EVERYWHERE
MOTHERFUCKING BLUEBONNETS ALL OVER THE HILLS AND SHIT
and everyone is like OH SNAP THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT
I MEAN WE ASKED FOR RAIN BUT THIS IS COOL TOO I GUESS
and then somehow they figure out that this is all because of Orphans Mcgee
I guess because the flowers are the same color as her doll’s feathers
and they’re like ALRIGHT GIRL
YOU GET A NEW NAME
YOUR NEW NAME IS SHE-WHO-DEARLY-LOVES-HER-PEOPLE
NO MATTER THAT THE REST OF US PROBABLY SACRIFICED PRETTY VALUABLE SHIT
BECAUSE WE’RE NOT TINY FUCKING ORPHANS WHO ONLY OWN ONE THING
NAW GIRL THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO YOU
and She-who-dearly-loves-her-people is like well that’s great
but can I get a shorter name that is possible to use in daily conversation
and everyone’s like NOPE
and the girl is like ok
and then i assume everyone dies of thirst
because none of the versions I read say ANYTHING ABOUT RAIN

so the moral of the story
is it doesn’t matter if you’re Greek or Christian or Comanche
everyone can come together in the common knowledge
that god is a dick

THE END.

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Nanbozho sounds like the name of a very ethnic clown

okay so today’s myth is brought to you
at the bequest of a very special lady
she is so special that her name is Avalancha “The A is For Excellence” Raptorface
and she wants me to tell a myth about
rainbows?
HOLD ON
RAINBOWS?
ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME HERE RAPTORFACE?
fuck it whatever
I’m just going to have to make this simple uplifting myth
as METAL AS POSSIBLE

okay so there’s this motherfucker who calls himself Nanbozho
great job on having a shitty name asshole
every time i hear that name it is like someone is driving a unicycle into my dong
while honking the national anthem on a bike horn and pieing me in the face
WITH LIVE BEES
i don’t know guys I feel like maybe I’m trying too hard

anyway nanbozo is sitting in his idiot shack by this dumbshit waterfall
and one day he wakes up and he is like
THERE IS A PROBLEM
THESE FLOWERS ARE NOT ENOUGH COLORS
TIME TO MAKE EVERYTHING SOOOOOO PRETTTYYYYYY
seriously guys
what the fuck am I supposed to do
this is a myth about a guy PAINTING FLOWERS
and the end result is RAINBOWS
I’m sure if the Michigan indians had known about sparkle ponies and twinklebabies
those would be in here too
but anyway nanbozie grabs his special flower painting paints
and he goes out to paint the FUCK out of these flowers
which honestly are pretty drab
i mean they’re all just this kind of off-white
like an eggshell white
but leaning a little bit more towards beige
AHHH SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
NO
NO
I DON’T GIVE A SHAGGY SCREAMING FUCK ABOUT COLORS
okay but uh
so he’s painting the flowers
he paints all the violets violet
and the venus flytraps and the piranha plants he paints green and red
and the pansies he paints EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW
except there aren’t rainbows yet so I guess HE CAN’T DO THAT NOW CAN HE
but anyway this dude apparently has some kind of serious ocd
because he is painting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FLOWER
EVEN THE REALLY BORING ONES LIKE DAISIES
DAISIES ARE JUST WHITE WITH YELLOW IN THE MIDDLE
DID HE JUST RUN OUT OF IDEAS?
WAS HE GOING FOR SOME KIND OF NOVEAU MINIMALISM?
WHAT THE HELL IS NOVEAU MINIMALISM
DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS NOVEAU IF THIS IS A FUCKING CREATION MYTH?
anyway
enter: two asshole birds
they’re bluebirds
of course
not like they’re gonna be crows or dragons or anything
and these bluebirds are just having SUCH A GOOD TIME
THAT EVERYONE ELSE’S GOOD TIMES ARE AT RISK
like when you are in line at the supermarket
and you start moshing
except in this case
what these birds are doing
is repeatedly divebombing nanbizza’s paints
trying as hard as they can to punch each other in their little bluebird hearts
THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT BLUEBIRDS PLAY
but so yeah nanabobo is like HEY STOP THAT YOU CRAZY KIDS
GET OUTTA HERE
and the birds are like fuck fine
you sure are crabby for a dude who paints flowers
WE’RE LEAVING
and they leave
but not before getting totally covered in all manner of paint

so they leave and now suddenly they are the main fucking characters
yeah
these two dumbshit birds with no respect for personal space or property
these are our protagonists
so they’re all covered in paint so they’re like LET’S TAKE A SHOWER
TOO BAD SHOWERS HAVEN’T BEEN INVENTED YET
GUESS WE GOTTA USE WATERFALLS
so they go over to the waterfall
but then instead of taking a shower
they decide to just start dive bombing each other
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WATERFALL
now i don’t know about you guys
but i think watching two tiny birds get beat down by a fucking waterfall
would be HILARIOUS
unfortunately that is not what happens
what happens
is that all the paint gets washed off these fuckers
IN PERFECT SEQUENCE
forming

wait for it


A MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOWWWWWW

And nanbazilla looks up at the rainbow and he’s like
nice
RAINBOWS FOR EVERYBODY
and from then on everybody gets rainbows

so the moral of the story
is if you just go around throwing paint on animals
maybe god will run out of ideas for natural phenomena and just use your shit
and even if he doesn’t at least you get to throw paint on animals

THE END.

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